Haven't updated this journal in a while.
Right now.. I want to get out of Chris's life. He is just causing me so much stress. I am no longer in love with him like I used to be. And he hangs up on me now. He ignores the phone when I call. After listening to me cry and watching me bleed and after he promised that he'd understand that I'm different and that he'd help me.
Bull fucking shit.
I like Derek. He's a great guy. Now I don't know what's going to come of it, but right now, I really don't care. I just like the fact I can go over there and we can hang out and I can be comfortable. And he makes me feel so much safer than Chris ever did. Maybe that's mainly cuz Chris is like.. my size, and Derek is actually a man's size.. haha. But I dunno.. I mean, Chris never holds me anymore, we don't kiss anymore.. I don't even want to kiss him. He calls me and says, "I just called to tell you I love you," and I'm like, "I'm busy. I'm playing pool." and he asks me to tell him I love him and I go off. There just aren't sparks anymore. The only thing I get on his end is the fact that he would do anything for me. And that's nice sometimes. But I dunno, I am just not happy. Not happy at all. Everyday, I get stressed cuz of it..
I'm also upset cuz I was going to go down there with [insert name here] tonight but I said I didn't want to. But [insert name here] wants to so she can smoke and it's like she doesn't care about my comfort level right there. She just wants to smoke and blow off this guy. But if she's high, she won't blow him off. She will get horniness off of her high, and I will get depression. Cuz she thinks that if I get high I will be happy, but she doesn't know that if you smoke when you're depressed, you get MORE depressed. And I was doing really well with not smoking so much.. but now that [insert name here] has started, I'll be back to doing it and I'm just so upset that I'm rambling and ugh. I need someone to come into my life that will swoop me away from this mess I've made.
Patty and I worry about Dani and Tom. Patty and I worry about the same things, and I love how we can have conversations about it, debates and intelligent arguements, about anything. I can't do that with Dani, cuz she's too opinionated and you cannot sway her. Don't get me wrong, I love that about her. I love how determined she gets and it's great to watch her debate. However, it's not fun to debate WITH her. It's fun to debate with Patty. It's fun to play pool with Patty. There are things I like doing with certain friends, and then other things I like doing with other friends.. if you understand.
Fun things to do with Dani: drive around aimlessly, go to minneapolis, sit online, run her errands, pimp in her car during the summer, pour feelings, go to mcds, stalk people, drink [sometimes]
Fun things to do with Patty: play pool, giggle and gossip, smoke, drink, play sims, watch movies, run our errands, come up with inside jokes, go to the mall
There's more, but I'm not thinking 100% right now.
Sometimes, I love Travis. Like.. LOVE him. I mean, I always love him. But sometimes I think I love him more than I do, just cuz I love him. I'm confusing. He's the best male friend a girl could ask for. He'll drop everything to help you, he's so comforting, and he's just so great. I could have dated him. I think I passed up a wonderful opportunity, but yet, I think had I taken it, we would never be the same kind of friends we are now.
I'm going to Prescott soon. I am not happy. Not happy at all. I would rather be... not here, but not in Prescott. Can I come to your house? I wish I could snap, and all my shit would be out of Prescott and at my house. I have a closet full of my stuff from when I lived there. Full of boxes and shit. And not only do I have to go to Prescott.. I have to drive. Fucking a.
I want to cry, I want to cry, I will not cry. I'm not supposed to cry. When you grow up, you do not cry.
*sob* Current Mood: depressed