Blurty for Brynja.

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Wednesday, March 5th, 2003

Time:6:28 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Ok. I don't know why I'm posting in this diary, I feel like it, I guess. I need to vent. ::sigh::

Okay. So.. I have a problem holding onto friends, due to my depression. I don't trust people, I'm not comfortable around people most of the time, and if someone starts getting too close to me, I'll do whatever it takes to push them away. This is why I had like.. two friends. Patty and Travis. It took years to get the relationship I have with them, due to the way I am. Okay.. having said that..

I started talking to this Erik kid from Oklahoma [NY at the time] about how he was moving to Minnesota - one city away from me. I'm thinking, 'cool, ok, we'll chat, MAYBE hang out a couple times, then pretty much remain computer buddies.'

So he moves up here, and Patty and I give him a tour of the area. He's in the backseat, quiet as all hell, and Patty and I are being our loud, obnoxious selves. After we dropped him off, I figured due to how he was, and how we were, that would prolly be the last time we ever saw him.

I was wrong. He ends up becoming like the third Muskateer to our little clan, and he hangs out with us all the time. That caught me by surprise. What shocked me even more is what I was feeling toward this guy. Complete comfort, complete trust, and the love and companionship it took me years to acquire with Patty.

Instead of pushing him away as I do to all new "friends" after a week or so, I found myself wanting to get even closer to him -- something I NEVER do. We had never hung out just the two of us, and I really wanted to because I wanted to see how I would feel then, and how we would interact on a one-on-one basis. So we made plans to see a movie.

Chris didn't understand why I would go see a movie with just Erik. Memories of being locked in that godforsaken Prescott House and being accused of being a whore over and over came back, and Chris finally went off on his "it's ok, you can have friends, I trust you" schpeel.

The night before "movie night" comes up, and Chris says some things to Erik that have the ability to sound angry and possibly threatening [Chris is psycho anyway]. Erik doesn't wanna start trouble or anything, so he suggests Patty comes to the movie with us, thus ruining my plans. So I say I don't feel like going anymore, and he says okay.

I become immediately depressed. Hurt that Erik would back down, pissed that Chris would sabatoge this friendship I was so incredibly happy to find. Meanwhile, I told Derek what was going on, and he said he'd take me to a movie, that he didn't care what Chris said. Derek went on to tell me how he thinks about me, how much he misses me and how much he likes me... this and that... and although his words cheered me up and made me feel not so worthless, they also left me even more confused.

I feel myself enter another depression slump. NOT good. The last one I had took months to get out of. All I wanted to do was cut myself. I needed to feel the blood spill down my arms, release the bad feelings - at least for a while. I wanted to find the courage to slash myself good enough to end life forever, but I know I couldn't do that to Patty. I just felt so miserable.. so lose.. so confused.. so I went to bed.

I ended up expression to Erik via IM on my phone that I was hurt. I wouldn't tell him why for a while, and he even ended up calling me. I couldn't bring myself to answer the phone [crying + phone talking = not cool], but between his calls and the IMs he was sending me, I was quite surprised to find out how much he seemed to care. It seems if you're upset, most guys will just blow it off if you don't go into detail or whatnot. The fact he kept pressing me made me feel a little better.. a little more worth something.. but I was still sad as hell so I went to bed before I did something stupid.

Next day.. I wake up.. feeling no better. Worse, if anything. Chris called me at work and I told him about everything and how upset I was. He went on about how he didn't mean anything threatening, how he was only trying to hang out with Erik and befriend him and all. Anyway, I was really upset and Chris wasn't making things better.. everything I asked him not to do or say, he'd do it or say it, and yeah. I ended the engagement. I told him to be grateful we still had a relationship at all, but he kept pushing, kept saying "the engagement's not off, it's not." Finally, I said, "Chris.. listen to what I say, and listen well. What I'm about to say stands, and nothing you say can change that. We're starting over from square one. We are not engaged. We are not going out. We are 'dating,' 'seeing each other,' whatever." He started bawling and begging me to change my mind, but I can't. I'm so not happy with him right now.. I'm so not happy with anything right now.. it took everything to ask Patty to Dennys tonight, cuz I know if I shell up in my room, I WILL do something stupid.

I don't know. Okay. I'm done. ::breath::
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Friday, January 10th, 2003

Time:7:02 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Haven't updated this journal in a while.

Right now.. I want to get out of Chris's life. He is just causing me so much stress. I am no longer in love with him like I used to be. And he hangs up on me now. He ignores the phone when I call. After listening to me cry and watching me bleed and after he promised that he'd understand that I'm different and that he'd help me.

Bull fucking shit.

I like Derek. He's a great guy. Now I don't know what's going to come of it, but right now, I really don't care. I just like the fact I can go over there and we can hang out and I can be comfortable. And he makes me feel so much safer than Chris ever did. Maybe that's mainly cuz Chris is like.. my size, and Derek is actually a man's size.. haha. But I dunno.. I mean, Chris never holds me anymore, we don't kiss anymore.. I don't even want to kiss him. He calls me and says, "I just called to tell you I love you," and I'm like, "I'm busy. I'm playing pool." and he asks me to tell him I love him and I go off. There just aren't sparks anymore. The only thing I get on his end is the fact that he would do anything for me. And that's nice sometimes. But I dunno, I am just not happy. Not happy at all. Everyday, I get stressed cuz of it..

I'm also upset cuz I was going to go down there with [insert name here] tonight but I said I didn't want to. But [insert name here] wants to so she can smoke and it's like she doesn't care about my comfort level right there. She just wants to smoke and blow off this guy. But if she's high, she won't blow him off. She will get horniness off of her high, and I will get depression. Cuz she thinks that if I get high I will be happy, but she doesn't know that if you smoke when you're depressed, you get MORE depressed. And I was doing really well with not smoking so much.. but now that [insert name here] has started, I'll be back to doing it and I'm just so upset that I'm rambling and ugh. I need someone to come into my life that will swoop me away from this mess I've made.

Patty and I worry about Dani and Tom. Patty and I worry about the same things, and I love how we can have conversations about it, debates and intelligent arguements, about anything. I can't do that with Dani, cuz she's too opinionated and you cannot sway her. Don't get me wrong, I love that about her. I love how determined she gets and it's great to watch her debate. However, it's not fun to debate WITH her. It's fun to debate with Patty. It's fun to play pool with Patty. There are things I like doing with certain friends, and then other things I like doing with other friends.. if you understand.

Fun things to do with Dani: drive around aimlessly, go to minneapolis, sit online, run her errands, pimp in her car during the summer, pour feelings, go to mcds, stalk people, drink [sometimes]
Fun things to do with Patty: play pool, giggle and gossip, smoke, drink, play sims, watch movies, run our errands, come up with inside jokes, go to the mall

There's more, but I'm not thinking 100% right now.

Sometimes, I love Travis. Like.. LOVE him. I mean, I always love him. But sometimes I think I love him more than I do, just cuz I love him. I'm confusing. He's the best male friend a girl could ask for. He'll drop everything to help you, he's so comforting, and he's just so great. I could have dated him. I think I passed up a wonderful opportunity, but yet, I think had I taken it, we would never be the same kind of friends we are now.

I'm going to Prescott soon. I am not happy. Not happy at all. I would rather be... not here, but not in Prescott. Can I come to your house? I wish I could snap, and all my shit would be out of Prescott and at my house. I have a closet full of my stuff from when I lived there. Full of boxes and shit. And not only do I have to go to Prescott.. I have to drive. Fucking a.

I want to cry, I want to cry, I will not cry. I'm not supposed to cry. When you grow up, you do not cry.

*sob*
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Tuesday, December 24th, 2002

Subject:The cat is always sleeping on my dad.
Time:7:58 pm.
Mood: bored.
Okay.. Christmas is officially over. Here's what I got.

WHO FROM / GIFT

Chris / diamond ring, diamond necklace, DVD player
Travis / framed kitty pic, framed tiger pic, $10 gift card
Dani / cauldron pot, tarot bag, friends picture frame
Rob / $10; two scratchoff tickets
Uncle Eldy / coupon book for free carwashs... [he got me the same thing last year and I never used any. ;X]
Gramma / $35
Mom & Dad / gum, Reese's Pieces P&B cups, gum, Chicken Ramen soup, membership to AAA, a shirt that says "We'll Get Along Fine As Soon As You Learn To Worship Me," $40, and five scratchoff tickets.

[I won $10 total on the SOtickets.]

So I'm happy. Times are tough around here, and I got alot more than I thought I would. What made me happiest is that everyone really liked what I got them.

Supper at my gramma's was really nice. Good ham. Lol. Seren was ADORED. My uncle loves cats, and my gramma likes kitty, too. So yeah, she was pretty well behaved, too. It was pretty fun... everyone was teasing each other and shit.. well, my brother was teasing my gramma, like he always does.

But that's about all I have to say. Soooo... I shall post sometime later. Buhbye.
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Monday, December 23rd, 2002

Time:1:06 pm.
Mood: full.
I just got back from lunch. I was about five minutes late coming back!!! And INTENTIONALLY so.. kinda. Which is amazing.. cuz if you know me.. I HATE being late. Seriously. I fret hardcore if I'm late. And I was fretting this time, but McD's was PACKED, and I kept telling myself "I come in at least three minutes early each day, I never take any other breaks, I work nine hour days, they aren't getting many calls.." so I enjoyed my food and got back when I got back. And to no surprise - nobody cared.

I - am - a - rebel.

Chris ended up finding a ride so we went to McD's together. Told him to have a fluffy towel ready for me cuz when I got there, I'd be taking a hot shower. And while I was doing so, I wanted him to put my jammies in the dryer. He was making fun of me while I was listing the things I wanted.. it was funny. He was mocking me. Oh well. I'm sick because of HIM.

I finished "From the Corner Of His Eye" by Dean Koontz. Good book. Very good book. Dean is a god. I know understand the cover, and amazingly enough, I just noticed it's a kid standing in a tree. Wow. Kudos on my observation skills. *cheer*

...

i do not regret the decision I made last january. i do not wish things were different. but yet i do. where did he go, and why did he abandon me? he left me twice. i took him back each time he came and swept me off my feet. however, when I leave, he doesn't care if i come back. he's fine without me - and prolly better off. but 'god is smiling down on me.' what kind of fucking line is that? how could i have loved someone that said that? its like he's on some magical pedestal, comforting me cuz i can't live without him. but i can. i can and i am. nobody liked him. i couldn't even be myself with him. yet he was god to me. he was this cherub of fun and love and light. he'd sing bsb songs at the top of his lungs as he drove me aimlessly into the cities at night. he marveled me with his courage and his intellect. even when he made me feel stupid, i strived to be more like him.. to make him like me more. i tried to consume him. was it not love, but obsession? no.. it was love. a sick, strange, twisted, tormented love. that i don't understand. i may never understand it. ...and right now, i'm wearing his sweatshirt. it has a small stain i just noticed... and now that i think of it, our relationship prolly was stained in a similar fashion... i just never noticed it until now.



in fact...

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Time:10:48 am.
Mood: frustrated.
Music:93x, BAYBEE!.
Shaky hands guided the key towards the hole on the side of the steering wheel.. once, twice, three times before it finally slid into it's destination. She turned the key, and the car emitted a whiny sound, followed by true resentment for the girl sitting in the drivers seat. A size 7 foot pumped desperately at the gas as she cranked the key again. Same effect. The tears finally escaped.

She burst into tears. Frantic sobbing that started in bursts and ended in bloodcurdling screams. She needed to get away from the broken and battered house [that she pictured would resemble her soul, had it been visable] in front of her.

Frightened eyes shifted toward the bookbag she brought on overnights that sat expectantly in the passenger seat. She could almost see through it - envision the cheap bag of disposable razors that rested wherein. "Don't," she silently scolded herself. "You'll regret it."

She blinked - she swore that's all she did - and looked up at the window. There he stood with the most mortified expression on his face. The brown eyes that usually gazed at her with so much warmth now were wide, cold, almost bugging out of his head. His brow furrowed and she could hear him shriek from outside of the car. "THIS is how you show me you love me???"

She didn't understand. She had just been sitting here. Until she felt the stinging. She looked down and saw bright pink. Focusing, she noticed she gripped a razor tightly within her right hand. Where had that come from. But when her eyes moved toward her left wrist, she understood his horror....

At least eight slashes.. done vertically, horizontally, diagonally... had been hastily carved on the sensitive part of her wrist. The blood bubbled to the surface, rolling down her pale skin in a most beautiful, yet horrific way. Another depression black-out, and her healing wrist was suddenly carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey - yet again.

She wasn't surprised when her right hand seemed to grow a mind of it's own and press the razor into her skin again. He stormed toward the house, and she felt lost. She needed help, but was far too stubborn to ask for it. Instead, she sent a text message to Dani. "i'm bleeding and i'm scared. chris doesn't care." The cold of December sunk into her veins, but the chill from her emptiness was all she could feel within her bones.

[not my best piece of work. i write fiction better than reality, but of course, you can tell that it was an exerpt from my weekend. my whole weekend is typed down a few entries. it's funny how neon life can be.. the razor was bright pink. the only bandaids i could find at my house are bright green. it's good that it's winter - i can wear long sleeves and not look suspicious. ole.]
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Time:9:40 am.
Mood: bitchy.
Best male in the world: Travis P. Hopkins.

Don't ask why. He is just wonderful. Cuz he's lil Travis. <3333

I'm at work. And I'm sick. My throat hurts. I'm lucky that the phones aren't too busy. After work, it's off to Prescott. To SHOWER. No, but I'm definitely gonna shower. Yanno when you get sick.. and you always feel like gross? Yeah, that's how I feel. So maybe I can shower off the sickness? No, but I'll try. And if Chris's dryer is working, I'll have him throw my pj's in there so when I get out of the shower, I have nice, warm, silken jammies to climb into. *swoon*

I cannot believe tomorrow is Xmas Eve. When I was a kid, I'd be home right now, sitting amongst the presents [back when we actually had a TREE, and not a two foot fiber-optic one.. *sigh*], begging to open one.. just one.. shaking them all [but not hard in case they were breakable]. I'd be SO excited I'd have goosebumps through tomorrow. But now.. I'm sitting here at work, feeling like this was any other Monday/Friday.

It's sad. I miss our trees on Christmas. I miss coloring eggs on Easter, and carving pumpkins on Halloween. We don't do any of that now. Cuz "it's for kids." I wish I was still a kid.

[I'm so glad they play 93x here.. *bobs head to Hoobastank*]

At least we still have some traditions. Going to gramma's on Xmas Eve. Minus grampa.. it's been 'minus grampa' for a few years now. But we still have patates corve. It's a really nasty looking Swedish sausage.. prolly spelt way wrong. But anyway.. I don't eat it. I don't like it. But everyone else does - and it's tradition to have it. Each year, it's threatened because it takes actual manual labor to make, and gramma's old. But my uncle helps her run the machine thing, and it sits on the table each Xmas Eve night. The night it disappears, I wll cry. Not because I eat it.. because it's one of the few traditions left.

So we eat dinner, open presents, watch TV, and go home. Where we proceed in opening more presents. There are no presents on Xmas Day. Santa is long dead. Xmas Day is just for going to my mom's side of the family... so, of course, I dread it. I'm such an outsider there. A few comments are made my way, but they're just as awkwardly asked as answered. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE some of the people on that side. Like my aunt Sandy.. she's awesome. My cousin Teresa is cool. But the thing is.. maybe it's cuz I'm shy, but nobody really talks to me much. Everyone else has some close bond with at least one other person.. except me. And I end up sitting there awkwardly. Even my cousins that are about my age don't really say much. Jennie's too good.. I dunno. Thank GOD I'm bringing Chris. He can keep me sane, just by me knowing that someone there feels just as awkward as I do.

We aren't getting many calls today, here at work. I got a repair call *UGH!* so I had to fill out the sheet [all wrong, may I add]. I HATE repair calls. I just had another one.. but thank GOD it was a customer that wanted credit, so I had to transfer it. Made me uber happy, lemme tell yah.

I'm waiting on two calls:
1) Chris to tell me if he's coming to see me on my lunch break
2) Volt to tell me numbers on my timecard

If #2 doesn't call, I will fax over my timecard not fully filled out and they will deal. I left a message - if they don't get back to me, that is NOT my fault. Hmpf.

Argh!! I hate being sick. It's like there's a feather stuck in my throat and it keeps tickling me. And I swallow to get rid of it, and I get struck with a lil jolt of pain, like an electric collar type effect. It's only 9:30 am.

I didn't talk to Derek much this weekend. Nix that - I didn't talk to Derek at all this weekend. Of course, I wasn't home. I did have the [alcohol-induced] courage to call him on Friday night but his phone is broken or something. I don't know what's going on. The Ouija board said nothing was going to happen, but just like TV, you can't believe everything a Ouija board tells you. But yeahh.. I dunno. He's good people.

Dani thinks he hates her now. Cuz Micah "hates" her. I know Micah doesn't hate her, they're going through a "time." Dani thinks they're over for good, but I'm not so sure. Prolly because she's been wrong every other time she's said it, which has been a few. They're so right for each other. They fight a lot, yes. That's cuz of Dani's depression and Micah's not wanting to grow up yet. Chris and I fight, too. We "end it for good," too. But it never sticks. Now, I'm not saying Dani and Micah will be together again someday. I have no right to say that. I just THINK that this "ending" will not be as final as they think. I just hope that throughout this, Dani can have a decent Xmas.. though I don't see how THAT is gonna happen either, being that she's stuck with her family in another state. Poor girl.

I don't have anything to say, but I don't have anything else to do, so I wanna keep writing. I kinda like sitting in a room with three guys. Even if they're quite a bit older than I am, I still get to learn what kind of things guys say. They don't censor their conversations much cuz of me, I'm just in my lil corner, typing away, apparently not paying attention. But I do listen, my ears are kept open. They bitch about women and money and things, just like girls do. Maybe we're not all so different... [except, of course, girls are better].

Someone just called, wanting help in programming something.. but they don't know what it's called. Well, gee, that really helps me out.

Dammit. They turned off the music. A good song was on. : (

Haha.. the guy that called didn't even have a Viking product. Dippy doo...

Dippy Doo... lollygagging... sometimes I miss my last job. Or maybe I just miss Norma, and listening to the conversations there. I don't miss Burdette and her snobby exterior. I don't miss Chris and his power-hungry decisions. I don't miss the kits, and I don't miss metering. Well.. sometimes I miss metering. And I miss Julie. They're right across the freeway. I *could* go say hi...

but I won't.

I DON'T miss Chris A. The girl I was friends with. I'm glad to be done with her. That sounds mean, and I don't know. She's a great person. But it's like.. I called her a friend, and she wasn't, and for some reason, I feel I've betrayed myself with that? I don't know.

I could finish my book today if I tried, I bet. But I won't.

I'm mad cuz I left my notebook with all my papers that help me understand this damn job in Prescott. *sigh* Ohhh well. They're talking like it will be dead today.. and it hasn't been too bad to this point. So we shall see how well I hold up.

Hum.. have I lost the January calendar, or is it with my papers in Prescott? Hmm.

Dani burnt me the Lifehouse CD and I've already lost it. *sigh* I will find it, though. She gave it to me when she first came over Friday and I was fighting with Chris. So when she gave it to me, my mind was elsewhere and I don't know where I set it down.

Chris is calling me. *rubs her neck* Ok. I answered it. Haha.. guess what. He's prolly not coming on my lunchbreak. I love how he gets my hopes up all the time and then kicks me down.

THIS is why I am not in a relationship. THIS is why I refuse to get married.

Men. I swear. They just don't care about anything but themselves. And when they DO try to care about something else... they pull stuff out of their ass to make the other person happy, even if it means they'll hafta kick them down in the end.

Ok. Moody and bitchy now. This entry must come to a close.

Ta.
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Sunday, December 22nd, 2002

Time:10:45 pm.
Mood: thoughtful.
THINGS THAT ARE GOOD
* I just noticed I have a copy of Cosmo*girl to read.. lmao
* I will have a paycheck coming in next weekend
* Chris gets paid Friday
* Christmas is coming up.. I get gifts! And I could afford to get people gifts!
* NEW YEARS IS APPROACHING!!!
* My hamster is cute.

THINGS THAT ARE BAD
* I owe my parents about $500
* I owe my bank at least $74
* I owe Sprint $120
* I have $0 [but refer to a few of the points made under 'things that are good']
* My brother's copy of my senior pic is on the desk next to me [I HATED my senior pix]
* Dani had a bad day and I don't even get to hear about it
* I have work tomorrow


oh. and i have decided... i am fat. i must stop being fat as soon as possible. lol. too bad that i hate exercise, yet i hlove food [to an extent]. if only i could change those around..
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Subject:My weekend. Long
Time:10:27 pm.
Mood: sick.
I bought a powerball ticket. I didn't win. Go fig'.

Okay.. my weekend...

Friday night. The Christmas party. I got to Prescott first, of course, I left right after work. And Chris and I started fighting right away.. and I'll be damned if I remember what it was about. But then Dani, Nate, Patty, and Sarah showed up and Chris was downstairs watching TV. Everyone hugged me and shit and I went down and was bitching at Chris.. blahblahblah. Then he hugged me and we all came upstairs. Exchanged gifts. I got this little "cauldron" looking wooden box.. with this really pretty blue rock stuff [she knew I wanted it], this little Tarot/herb crushed velvet bag with a butterfly [she knew I wanted it], and a friendship frame for a pic of me, Patty and Dani.. all from Dani. Chris got this little puzzle cube and a book called "Wicca For Men" from Dani.

Chris and Nate left for liquor.. then they came back and we all started playing our drinking game. Robbie and his girlfriend Laura showed up and watched. Umm.. Patty, Dani, Sarah and I were pretty drunk [and I only had one Smirnoff.. I think I was mostly drunk by association?]... Nate may have been, but I dunno. Chris ordered pizza and I like.. ate the whole thing. Lol. A lot of yelling. A little bit of truth or dare. Good times were had by all.

Then Patty, Nate, and Sarah left cuz Nate had work the next morning and Sarah had work at 11 that night [it was like 10 and she was so drunk. lmao.. she even peed her pants. i'm going to miss that girl]. So they left. Dani was like.. passing out, so she told me to wake her up when Travis got there.

Travis came. He gave Chris a Simpsons pictionary game and he gave me two framed pictures [a kitty and tigers] and a $10 gift card to Spencers. We got Dani's ass up and we all watched Slackers. Except I kept getting calls on my phone from this guy that was a friend of John's who was INSISTING he had met me. First he asked if I liked anal. I told him to fuck off and hung up. He kept calling back, and Dani bitched at him, and Travis acted like he was my boyfriend. Chris, who shoulda been the maddest of all, got on the phone and was like, "we're watching a movie.. can you call her back tomorrow?" I was like.. WTF?? Heh. But the guy.. "Josh Gunderson".. was like, "I'm sorry.. I just want to like.. take you to dinner and buy you flowers.." EVENTUALLY after Dani bitching enough, he left me alone. Meh. And then we all went to bed.

Ohhh.. before we went to bed. Chris gave me a promise ring. It's 10k gold and diamond and says "I LOVE YOU" on both sides.. it's pretty. [where did he get the money for all these diamonds he's been getting me lately...? hmmm. and it's all gold. he knows i don't like gold. but he knows i'm gonna like this stuff cuz he gave it to me.. lol. oy.]

Travis came in Saturday morning and got to see me put my pants on. LMAO. He left pretty early. Then Dani got up and we chilled awhile before Chris and I brought her home. Thennn... hmm. To my house. Chris started setting up the DVD player he got me for Xmas. Oh. The gas station was treating my card like shit and wouldn't pump gas. Chris is like, "I think you are out of money in your account." And I KNEW I wasn't. So we went to the bank, and it says -$74.24. FUCK WELLS FARGO! I know that's wrong. So I'm just gonna pay it off and close my account. And I just bought two boxes worth of checks. :(

Anyway.. this pissed me off, and Chris was bugging me, so I blew up at him. Sad. Um.. we went back to Prescott. I fell into such a heavy depression I couldn't concentrate or even speak. The second we got there, I went upstairs and cut myself. Shame shame. I just laid there with my wrist face upward so I wouldn't bleed on the bed. Chris came upstairs and was like, "WHAT DID YOU DO?" and he held me and I was like.. eh. I was silent for about an hour...

Umm... what did we do? I don't even know. We went to McD's. And.. rented "Ice Age" and "Corky Romano." Went to Ptaceks and bought Ramen and fruit rollups. Went back to his house.

Set up the VCR in his mom's room [his mom and stepdad are in Nebraska visiting Mark's parents] and we watched the aforementioned movies, Orange County, and Soul Survivors. And tried to drink this champagne that Chris's mom left for us.. but neither of us are big on champagne, I dun think. This Mike guy that's going to live there for a while came over, too. Soooo we watched movies. Um. Then we went upstairs and went to bed around 1 cuz I was passing out.

Sunday morning. God, my memory is bad. Oh. We ended up going to his aunts cuz she needed her vehicle push-started. Ok. Fine. So we get in the Suburban. SCARIEST vehicle ever. What a rattly, old, scary thing. It kept stopping. Like.. it would turn off. In the middle of the street. Ahhhhh. And it was COLD. There was no heat. And if there was, "it was too loud." So we get to his aunts house. To make a long story short, it took about 45 minutes. It was horrible. We got nowhere. And now I'm sick cuz I froze to death. By the time we got back to Prescott, I was PISSED. Sick, angry, cold, pissed. And it all escaladed into this huuuuuuuuge fight. I gave Chris his ring, bracelet, necklace back... and went to leave. My car wouldn't start, cuz it doesn't when it's cold. So I was in my car, crying. Hysterically. Screaming. I was so... just.. out of control. And I cut myself some more. And seriously. It's not good. It's horrible. My wrist is full of cuts and gashes and gross. I'm so upset with myself. And then I realized Chris had been watching. Yeahhhhh not good. I dunno. Eventually I went inside.. blah blah blah..

So it almost ended between us. We said our goodbyes and everything. Until Chris started begging for me back. He kept asking me to be his girlfriend, and I scolded him for pressuring me. So finally I guess we decided to stay as we are... not exclusively together, but whatever. But thennnnnnn we started fighting cuz he threw Dani in my face.

THAT got me going. I sat there, bawling, yelling for an hour, at least. He holds this grudge toward her due to our fights. See, I take everything out on Chris.. cuz I'm like 100% comfortable with him and nobody else. So I feel like I can yell at him and take everything out on him without him leaving me. I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying that's how it is. So I'm kinda wondering if that's how Dani is with me sometimes. Anyway. I was going off on him. Telling him how I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for Dani [which is very true], and telling him how highly she speaks of him. How SHE was the one that wanted to go to the jail when he was locked up, to go see him at the hospital. I went on and on and on, and by the end, he felt like shit. :/ But yeahhh... he was like, "invite her down, invite her down," but I knew that it wouldn't be good cuz a) she left the next morning and prolly needed her rest, and b) Chris and I were still rocky and prolly should be alone in case another fight broke loose.

Anywayyy.. we went and ate at DQ. Then came home and watched some Simpsons tape. Chris played with the Simpson Alarm Clock I gave him, too... he loves it so much, it's cute. And that Mike guy came back. We watched most of Jawbreaker, went upstairs and played with Bryn.. then I left.

I was going to stay there Xmas Eve.. but I'm staying there tomorrow night instead, cuz that's the last night Chris has the place [fairly] to himself. And then he'll drive to my house Xmas morning and come with me to my family's. Hohum.

So my legs still hurt from the Mark incident, and my wrist hurts from the Me-Being-Stupid incident, and my head/throat/ears hurt from the Suburban incident. I'm falling apart. Whee.
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Tuesday, December 10th, 2002

Time:12:24 pm.
I guess I'll update because I've already updated my LJ enough.

Hmmm.. I really dunno.

My kitty is here. I love it, cuz all my babies live in the Prescott house. So for one night, I gotta bring a baby to my MN house. So right now, he's sleeping on the couch. Good. Keeps him out of trouble.

Ehh.. that is all.
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Monday, December 9th, 2002

Time:1:22 pm.
Ok. Well, I'm now a definite journal whore. I have a deadjournal, ujournal, livejournal, and now.. a blurty. Haha. Ok. Well, I'm prolly not gonna write in this one much. Or maybe I'll just make it a less personal one. Hum...
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Blurty for Brynja.

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