Ashley's Blurty
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Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in Ashley's Blurty:

    Monday, August 18th, 2003
    5:54 pm
    no more using on me or this diary
    I'm not using this anymore. my newest bf named critter dumped me. i'm crying. will and i broke up a while ago. bye

    Current Mood: crushed
    Saturday, August 16th, 2003
    12:59 pm
    "Maybe When"
    When u say that itz not fair, when u dont care, about what i wear, when u say u love me too, i know it must be true, i'm in love with u... Sometimes, i wonder why u stare at me, sometimes, i wonder what u see, do u see a little girl, caught all up in a big crazy world, do u see a made-up lady, thatz self-centered and very shady, do u see ur future wife, that u will stay with for all ur life... When u say that itz not fair, when u don't care, about what i wear, when u say u love me too, i know it must be true, i'm in love with u... Shaking slowly, Hurting mostly, in a room full of lost tears, along with so sad lost years, do u know how much i need, hugs and kisses to keep my speed, do u understand where i'm at, or do u believe me, as a matter of fact, do u know how i sit a home, crying severly, all alone... And when u say that itz not fair, when u don't care, about what i wear, when u say u love me too, i know it must be true, i'm in love with u... When i'm lost, and u know itz true, maybe then u can really say,"I love you too." Maybe when my eyes aren't wet, maybe before we even met, maybe my friends are just my pills, to keep me from being socially-ill, maybe when we got kids, maybe they'll be urs or maybe his, maybe when we wear the rings, and maybe then, u'll understand somethings....

    Current Mood: peaceful
    Current Music: the beat of this song i made outof sadness
    11:06 am
    "Losing Grip" By: Avril Lavigne
    Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby?
    right now I feel invisible to you like I'm not real.
    Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you?
    Why'd you turn away?
    Here's what I have to say...

    I was left to cry there
    Waitin' outside there
    Grinnin' with the lost stare,
    That's when I decided...

    Why should I care?
    Cause you weren't there,
    When I was scared,
    I was so alone.
    Yeah!You need to listen
    I'm startin' to trip,
    I'm losin' my grip
    And I'm in this thing alone.

    Am I just some chick you place beside you,
    to take somebody's place?
    When you turn around,
    can you recognize my face?
    You used to love me
    you used to hug me,
    but that wasn't the case,
    everything wasn't okay.

    I was left to cry there
    Waitin' outside there
    Grinnin' with the lost stare,
    That's when I decided...

    Why should I care?
    Cause you weren't there when I was scared,
    I was so alone.
    Yeah! You need to listen
    I'm startin' to trip
    I'm losing my grip
    and I'm in this thing alone.

    Crying out loud
    I'm crying out loud
    crying out loud
    I'm crying out loud.

    Open your eyes,
    open up wide.

    Why should I care?
    Cause you weren't there when I was scared
    I was so alone.

    Why should I care?
    Cause you weren't there when I was scared
    I was so alone.

    Why should I care?
    If you don't care
    then I don't care
    we're not going anywhere.

    Why should I care?
    Cause you weren't there when I was scared
    I was so alone.

    Why should I care?
    if you don't care
    then I don't care
    we're not going anywhere.

    Current Mood: lonely
    Current Music: "Left Behind" By: Slipknot
    Friday, August 15th, 2003
    10:04 pm
    My Heart
    Why does my heart do that same jump everytime i talk or see William!? My God! It's not that i don't like it. It's a rush but it getz really annoying after a while. When i think about himor talk to him or see him, my heart feels like itz floating and stuff. It pounds faster and jumps and bounces and i'm thinking,"My God, calm down." I don't get it. I never felt like this before though. With other guys, the feeling would stay for about 5 days and go away. I've had this feeling in my heart since like February but now itz like way more bouncy. It feels good but not when i'm alone cuz i have no one to hug and take it all out on. Is this what love feels like? If so, it's seriously heart-pounding. I don't get it. It might be love but who am i to say. I mean, it feels like i can almost fly if i tried. Right nowitz bouncy (not pounding but bouncy) and it feels like itz going up my throat and it's coming out saying,"I love you." I g2g bye

    Current Mood: bouncy
    Current Music: "Kiss THis" By: Aaron Tippin
    7:24 pm
    My aunt susie got a new dog named megan. SHe's a puppy of of mini-doberman pincher. She's so cute!!! I love her so much! She likes to sleep on my neck and stomach. OMG! I still wanna jump on Will. LOL. He's just so cute! I just wanna sqeeze him! LOL. I wanna kiss him everywhere and hug him till my arms get tired! LOL. But thatz just me. G2G. Megan and i are gonna cuddle since "Sexy" (lol, william) aint here!!! haha! Bye

    Current Mood: relaxed
    Current Music: "Stacy's Mom"
    Thursday, August 14th, 2003
    5:20 pm
    Carry On Again
    Well i heard from Kristin that Will is flirting with other girls. Prolly. I guess i hate that. I don't know. Honestly i don't give a damn anymore, i have no control over that side of him. I know if i dumped him or he dumped me, i would go to no one for love. I don't know why but usually i have a list of back-ups. In this relationship i don't even have one. Well cody likes me but he's a lil too young and IMMATURE for me. Well i g2g. cody and i think Ian like me.

    Current Mood: rejected
    Current Music: "Falling Fast" By: Testament
    Wednesday, August 13th, 2003
    7:10 pm
    Sweet Time Staying Home
    I stayed home today for an eye appointment. My eyes were fucked up this morning but so far, my new contacts have worked good. I got soft lenses this time instead of hard. Well anywayz, i'm so in love with will. thatz all i can think about is him and his eyes and ass and everything else. Hez so hot.... And hez funny and sweet and everything i like and i love his arms! But ummmm lol anywayz, ummmmmm...... i can't help but want to kiss his neck. I never have but i'd like too. just kissing though. LOL. But i wouldnt know his reation. I think i'm gonna try that tomorrow in the lunch line! Letz see his reaction then! Oooh, but he might push me off and be like,"WHAT R U DOING!?" Heh. Maybe i shouldn't try it. But then again, naaaah, he'd pushed me off definitly. Well atleast thatz what i'm thinking. Heh. anywayz, MRS. RUTENBAR SUCKS!!! But if u go to my school, u prolly already thought and knew that! Heh. Well, i'm bored. I wanna french him at school. Oh Yeah! THat'd be Great! But i g2g, see ya!

    Current Mood: naughty
    Current Music: "Head On Collision" By: New Found Glory
    Tuesday, August 12th, 2003
    5:16 pm
    "Invisible Sometimes"
    Sometimes, all of u is here, sometimes not, sometimes i wonder, if u love me or not, do i love u, are u just another guy, are u something to show, or something to hide, am i just another girl to u, or am i ur future wife, am i something to keep, for the rest of ur life, Sometimes i feel like there's nothing to do, invisible, straight crazy for you, Invisible to the world, invisible to u, invisible to every place, i step into, but i'm willing to try, to keep my cheating life behind, I need a hug, miss me when ur gone, foolish enough to go along, with what u've told me baby, changing ur mind, every freaking day, sometimes i wonder, will we stay this way, hurt on the inside, happy on the out, invisible to u, until u start to shout, yelling in my face, or maybe just on the phone, i feel so lonely baby, all alone, u've shakin' every part of my life, my head is a mess, u wonder if i mean it baby, well just take a guess, dreams are something that never come true, not in my life baby, well not with u, i need a guy to tell me i'm worth his time, i'm worth every kiss, every freaking time, so hold me now, my heart is in last, shattered by tears, made out of glass...

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: "Baby I Love U" By: J-Lo
    5:08 pm
    Scared of William, Kickin' The Fuck Outta Anthony
    well, today anthony put me in a head-lock and he was pressing on this part of my throat that made me stop breathing. I turned around and punched him in his chest and slapoped him! Curtis in class, grabbed my leg cuz Ian told him too. Ian's kinda cute but way too short! But anywayz, I slapped curtis on the face too. Me and gilbert are closer friends now. I am still in love with will even though he got mad at me today cuz i told critter to go beat anthony up instead of him and cuz i was walking away from him at lunch even though i thought he'd follow so we could hug and kiss and cuddle and whatever else. I got kinda sad when he wouldn't even look at me at lunch. I told Tad to move down a seat so i could sit next to will and talk. I tried to talk to him and he ignored me. Wouldn't even give me the light of day. I felt so gone. So invisible... It hurt. I'm calling Dustin right now but he's not answering............ring.........ring.............ring...........answering machine. Oh well, anywayz, I guess i'm scared of Will. Cuz with my other boyfriends, if they got mad at me, all hell would break loose. I would yell and hit and say things like,"Well fuck you!" to every single one of my ex's except Tad but tad never got mad at me. lol. He looked pretty depressed a lot. LOL. Itz different with Will, not a nice different either. I feel like i can't be seen by his eyes unless i pull his face towards me and say,"Look at me. I'm here."

    Current Mood: lonely
    Monday, August 11th, 2003
    6:25 pm
    8th Grade Sooner
    I might be going to 8th grade this year in the middle of school. I have the grades so far... I just gotta get really good gradez from now on. I don't wanna tell William though. He won't date me, i know... Well i g2g Byebye

    Current Mood: scared
    Current Music: "Jaded" By: GC
    Sunday, August 10th, 2003
    7:53 pm
    The Perfect Guy
    1: Treats me like one of the guys but still like a lady (openz doors for me and let's me go ahead of him.)
    2: Hugs me everyday.
    3: Kisses me everyday at school (lips, hands, etc.)
    4: Cuddles with me at every given moment.
    5: Treat me like a Princess.
    6: Never lie to me.
    7: Never treat me like a girly-girl (if u find a lizard or frog, let me hold it. LOL.)
    8: Hug me tight when hugging.
    9: Trust me.
    10: Never raise ur voice at me unless i have raised mine first.
    11: Never accuse me of something u don't know is true.
    12: Let me have my time with my guy friends.
    13: Keep In Touch Everyday (call me, e-mail me, etc.)
    14: Ur Momma must like me.
    15: Never say "i love you" unless u mean it.
    16: Don't hug my friendz that are girls. (Asia's ok.)
    17: Never call me fat unless u mean it. (LOL.)
    18: Never lie to me about ANYTHING.
    19: Gotta be a virgin.
    20: Love me for whatz inside.


    Current Mood: accomplished
    7:42 pm
    Shaking, yes... I still cannot believe the things hez done... I could never do something like that. Sometimes, i wonder, does he even give a damn about my opinion? Prolly not. I lovehim dearly. I don't really want him to know how much i love him. I want to feel like the one who doesn't need this relationship, ya know, like the boss or the "bigger man". I wanna be in charge but i'm so not saying that. Usually i like the guy being in charge and deciding when we do things but in this case, i think itz all upto me whether i wanna do any shit in his mind. Itz totally my choice, not his. i'm staying a virgin till marriage. I will not do anything like that with him until then. So, if he really wants to dothat in 8th grade,he better show me a god-damn ring. Like Chris and Heather (9th graderz now), in 8th grade, Chris purposed to her cuz they were going out for like 2 yrs. and they're still together now. I think thatz what i want. A love that i can keep forever and never let go. If William purposed to me in 8th grade (he would never do that), then i would fall head-over-heels for him. But i guess thatz justmy opinion of love....a fairy tale. I want a guy to hug me everyday and say he loves me infront of his friends, a guy who treats me like one of the guys but is still gentle with me. I'll prolly tell u my ideal guy later on. bye

    Current Mood: lonely
    Current Music: "Kiss Me" Six-Spence None The Richer
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