| 11:50a |
Getting nervous.
Ok.
I suck.
But not that much.
A little though. I ordered two really cute spring, not super dressy, but not super casual dresses because all my dresses are just ridiculously formal, cocktail type dresses.
One is a black and white polka dot (tiny dots) silk wrap dress that would look awesome with my new black, wedge heels and a cute, chunky silver cuff and a killer bag. I could wear it to work or wherever. The other is a V neck, black silk dress with flutter sleeves. I'm seeing this with black kitten heel mules. Cute. Comfortable. Wear wherever. I'm just so over suits. I want cute, pretty dresses to wear to work.
I got what would have cost $293 for $110. That's good right?
Banana's got a sale going, and you can get an additional 15% off with the code SPRING2BR, but this code expires 5/5.
Plus, this is one of two elusive three pay check months, so yay? My Banana card and Amex card are both paid off, and all my others will be too, so there's no debt, just no...saving. Ok. No more shopping for the rest of the month. Really. I mean it.
I'm going to actually save some money.
Not just not go in debt.
I got compliments on my eyelashes yesterday. Skinny compliments would have been better, but I'll take what I can get.
My project seems like it might get off the ground. At this point, I don't care. I'm not presenting; I did all the written work. I really...I just want to wash my hands of it and not worry about it anymore. I'm so happy that I literally won't have to worry about school until August.
One thing I've been doing well lately is calling friends on the phone. I've been making an effort to keep in touch with people because I realized that I'm so bad about it, that I'll lose the in person friends that I do have, even if they are rarely in person anymore because they all live far away...
In other news, I'm really rather worried about my friend Bill, because he's crazy. He has always been crazy, but lately, he's crazier than usual. Now, lots of people are crazy, and lots of people are really crazy, but my friend I think is crazier than most in that he has some very real manifestations of mental illness. He can't pay his bills. His power has been turned off. He is in collections for his student loans. He lets his dog go the the bathroom all over the house, doesn't let the dog out, and doesn't clean the mess up. He has no food in his house. He is in debt up to his eyeballs. He's more depressed than usual. He says he wants to get rid of everything he owns. He wants to get rid of his dog. He says he'd like to check himself into a psychiatric center because it would be a change of pace and an improvement. He says no longer wishes to live, but he's too ambivalent and lazy to kill himself. He says if he ever loses his job, he will kill himself, but he so completely underperforms at this job, that it's a miracle that he has managed to keep it. D and I tried to talk to him to try to alleviate some of the things that are causing him anxiety. Because he's completely unable to manage his finances, we offered to help him make and keep a budget. We did once, and it worked well for several months. We offered to take him to the supermarket so he'd have food, but he started ranting about how he likes to eat out more, despite the fact that he can't afford it. He's depressed about his health and weight. He's diabetic and doesn't address that at all. He lives on bagels and cereal. I offered to help him to buy healthy food and make healthier food choices. He wasn't interested....we asked him what would help him or make him more happy, but he only sees things in black and white and only wants things that are impossible and won't even take any steps in the direction that would bring him happiness. Despite his complete inability to manage his finances, he wants to buy a house. Buying a house requires saving money for a down payment. If he got his finances in order, he might be able to do what would supposedly make him happy, but he refuses to make any attempts to get his money in order. I know you can't fix people, especially in cases like this, but...blargh. Of course I've already told him that I care, that he's great, that he's loved, that things can be turned around, blah, blah, blah, all the things that people tell depressed people...but we all know that nothing helps people who are depressed, particularly drivel like that, because when you're depressed you don't believe it; you don't see it. Hell, if you believed everything was doable and awesome and that you were loved and you cared, then you probably wouldn't be depressed! I know that much. While I don't suffer constant depression in the manner that he does, I have my bouts, and I know how it goes.
Advice? Thoughts? Direction?
On to other thoughts....
Ok. Here's what I actually ate yesterday, because everyone cares.
Bfast: salmon pattie
Lunch: greek salad !! ( I splurged! I didn't eat the pita though, and I didn't order chicken, and I didn't use any salad dressing, because...well...yeah.)
Snack: 5 strawberries
Dinner: 1 grilled, skinless chicken breast, baked beans, and 1 small burger on diet bread, with no cheese or anything fattening on it.
Bvgs: I had a few drinks. Not a lot, but 200-300 cals worth of drinks.
Bottom line: horrible fatty intake. Probably around 1500-1600.
Today, no drinks. I have filming tomorrow, and I'd rather die than be bloated. No drinks, no starch, no salt. Same for tomorrow. I'm feeling thin, but a skinny bloated girl on film is bad.
Today:
Bfast: 2 scrambled omega 3 eggs
Lunch: orange chicken fingers, a few fries
Snack: banana
Snack: orange
Dinner: slow cooked lean steak, carrots...I usually add potatoes here, but I'm freaked about the starch. I don't know!!! GAH!
Tomorrow:
Bfast: 2 scrambled omega 3 eggs
Lunch: orange
Snack: banana
Snack: orange
Dinner: salad with grilled chicken and tons of veggies (I cannot, will not be bloated in my dress.)
And now I am off to a lunch at a pub where I will eat and drink nothing, and people will yell at me! Fun! I gave in, but not completely. No beer, only water. I had a few small chicken fingers and like three french fries. |
| 4:49p |
eeek?!
Soooo....let's see. Tomorrow I get shot on film. I will exist in that manner for all eternity.
It is now time for me to have a tremendous panic attack.
And buy a girdle.
And get liposuction.
And turn into someone else.
And lose five million pounds.
Ok, so reasonably, I am tempted to buy a girdle. I don't even know why since the dress isn't tight in the waist at all. I am just insane. The idea of having my waist appear to be three inches smaller is awesome, even if it is a lie. I am insane.I want to though. Maybe I'll buy one after class. I am insane.
So tonight I need to:
1. Do a mask. Skin must look amazing.
2. Shower. Scrub off all my skin. Shave. Skin must be smooth and glowy.
3. Deep condition hair.
4. Apply that self gradual tanning lotion stuff, especially on my legs, which are pasty. Hopefully this will help to disguise the nasty bruise on my knee. Awesometastic! *sigh* I don't to apply actual self tanner, because if it turned out badly I would look even worse.
5. Tweeze and perfect brows.
6. Tomorrow, apply more of the gradual tan lotion stuff. Hopefully after two applications, I will have slightly more than zero color.
7. Surprisingly, my nails actually don't look like total crap, but I'll file them and do stuff just to make sure.
8. Drink a mega ton of water.
9. Eschew salt and alcohol.
10. Take an iron supp in hopes that the bruises will go away overnight..I took one last night, and they have faded, so maybe another?
11. Practice makeup for tomorrow?
Jesus. How am I supposed to do all this when I won't be home until 9pm because of this stupid class??? GAH! Let's face it: I'm going to be fat and pale and ugly and frumpy on film tomorrow. *Dies* |