| 10:44a |
On general lameness.
Can't believe I'm going to New York today.
I'm kind of excited. Kind of not.
I feel fat.
As much as I enjoy my friend's company, she's living it (the artsy dream), and I'm kind of not. She's acting and auditioning and all that. In 99% of things, I'm doing better, and I love my life, but there's that 1% of doubt and that twinge of regret that creeps into my soul and shakes me every time I go to the city and see her. Plus, she has tons of disposable money since she lives at home and pays zero bills, unlike me who, well, you guys know my situation...So it's like the rich, skinny, artsy city mouse is visited by the fat, poor, working slag country mouse. BOO.
Of course all of that is stupid, but it sucks because our interest in art is one of the main things we have in common, so we always end up talking about it, and I guess I could say it's not important to me, but then she'd feel like her dream was unimportant, and maybe she'd lose respect for me, and...blah, blah, blah, blah.
Of course I also feel fat, but that's never going to change, ever.
Whine, whine, whine.
Yesterday was productive. We watered alllll the plants ( we have close to 20), and they look all perky again, and we washed the couvair (duvet cover), and D and Bill put up the ceiling fan/light in the bedroom. It feels amaaaazing. Air circulation is a fantastic thing.
I didn't smoke again yesterday. My chest is feeling better already.
I put in anothier job application yesterday. I kind of wonder if I'll end up hating my next job as much as I hate this one. I probably will, but I figure I'll be happier just by making more money. Still, I think I'll hate work until:
A) I move to a field I like.IE: not government.
B) I start my own business
C) I start doing something creative.
I'll get back to you on that....
I think I should start writing my book.
They say the start of a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, but I think that single step is the hardest. After you've started, you've got momentum, but before you start, you have inertia.
I'll get back to you on that too.
I think it's fear of failure holding me back. If I write a book, and it's bad, well, it's bad. If I never wrote it, it could never be bad.
I am so lame.
Current Mood: lame
Current Music: material girl, madonna |