Monday, August 29th, 2005

Time	Event
11:35a	This weekend's plan went down the drain. I spent all weekend pretty much recovering from Friday. I think I have a real drinking problem, and I think I finally scared myself enough that I'm going to actually do something about it. I don't drink at every opportunity. In fact, I try to drink as rarely as possible. I don't seek out alcohol. The thing is, that if I have more than three drinks (unless I need to drive home, or if I'm with my family or my boss or some type of work function) and if I'm able to have more, then I will probably drink so much that I'll black out for at least part of the evening. This doesn't happen at home so much; it usually happens at some crazy party or at some crazy night out with friends. Black outs probably occur between 1-3 times per month. I've tried limiting the amount of money I bring so that I don't drink so much, but that doesn't help because now people buy rounds, so the alcohol keeps coming. I've tried switching to drinks with less alcohol. That did not work. I've tried drinking more slowly, but that doesn't work after the third drink. I've told myself that there was no real problem, mainly because nothing bad had ever happened during any of these episodes. The thing was, I generally only drink with people I trust, good influences basically. Last night I ended up being wasted with someone I didn't trust at all, and I'm pretty sure some really bad things happened. Wasted doesn't really begin to describe it really, not that I remember...Actually, I don't remember most of the evening...I think this is probably my longest memory gap...from about 11pm-2:30? I have only the vaguest idea of what happened..My hand is all scratched up, and I'm missing a lot of skin on the bottom of my forearm, and my knees are bruised beyond recognition. The right side of my jaw hurts. My left foot is cut, and I feel like my right heel is bruised. I don't know what my fucking problem is. I despise weakness, and that's what this is: weakness. I start, and after a point, I just....can't...stop. I have no control. My false illusion of control was enabled by my being around good people, when in reality I'm just a loose cannon when I drink. I blame myself. This cannot ever happen ever again.I cannot lose control like that ever again. Ever. Current Mood: upset (4 thoughts | share your thoughts)
3:13p	I will rise above this. I will use this experience to fix a weakness that has been glaring for a long time. I will not crucify myself for what I cannot exactly remember, but I will bear the burden of what may have happened forever in silence. No one else should have to deal with this, and there's no point to discussing what can't be proven. There's no upside for me, only the possibility of loss. I will remember what I have learned: not everyone can be trusted. Some people are really irredeemably evil. I am not always safe. Others will not always be around to protect me. I am the only person who is truly responsible for me and for my safety. Thus far, I have not been responsible or safe. I have been lucky. I will emerge without scars, visible or otherwise. I don't know why I do it...I've asked myself a million times before...why I erase myself. Why I imbibe until there's nothing left. Why I can't stop until I'm gone....Why is it that I crave control so much, and then I destroy myself until I have none left...Why I hardly trust anyone, and then I reduce myself to the point where (whether they know it or not) I'm completely in the care of others (I've been told that when I black out, I seem eerily sober, at least in the beginning..) Sometimes the why doesn't matter. There is no why, only the consequence, only the result. Getting lost in the why only ensures that I stay mired in the small picture. I always get lost in the small picture. No more. It runs in my family, but that...is an excuse, even if it is true. I will not succumb to a family history. Up to this point, my drinking issue has only improved, but it has not disappeared. (There was a time in undergrad where I could easily drink half a liter of vodka in under two hours, and I did this....five days a week..) There is nothing cool about being able to drink any woman I know completely under the table. There is nothing glamorous about being able to drink as much as men more than twice my weight.There is nothing cool, healthy, or normal about blacking out almost every time I drink. The fact that I no longer throw up no matter how much I drink is not a good sign. It is not right to unknowingly give others so much responsibility or power. It is not right to worry others. I have too much to lose. All I want is to be happy, to stay happy. Current Mood: determined Current Music: Of a broken heart, zwan (7 thoughts | share your thoughts)

<< Previous Day

2005/08/29 [Calendar]

Next Day >>