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Monday, August 8th, 2005

    Time Event
    9:54a
    I've been having this really...vivid dreams. It's been crazy. If I'm feeling bored enough later, I may detail them, but...well, I might.

    I got an A in my class! Wahoo! I now have a 3.77 gpa. Muahaha..

    I can't believe Peter Jennings died...I felt like that at leasted a nod..

    So the dress that I was afraid I'd have nowhere to wear? *Poof* Cocktail party invite! Score! I was so jazzed that I had a reason to wear it, and if fit like it was made for me. We were smoking wine-related cigarettes (we were all kind of wearing retro cool cocktail dresses so it was a very like 1960s cool sort thing...cocktail parties, old dresses, cigarettes (You can't smoke pretty much anywhere in NY anymore)), and they were saying how tiny I was and how envious they were. It was fabulous.

    In other fashion related news, I finally got myself jeans that fit. I've been looking homeless and frumpy in my baggy size fours, so I finally got a size two in jeans! Heaven!

    I've been doing really well with going to the gym. I got this tanning package because I couldn't stand being pale anymore, but now I have an extra excuse to hit the gym now...So I'm there all the time. That...and I'm tan, and I've always been a believer that tan fat is more attractive than white fat....I tried the fake and bake stuff, but I was just way too lazy to keep it up, and I wear sun screen all the rest of the time, and my job and the weather pretty much keep me out of the sun anyways, and if I end up looking old for being tan one or two months out of the year, then there's always botox....Muahahaha..Hopefully when I'm old they'll have something more effective and less gross than injecting botulism in people's faces, but until then...

    I think I need to start taking my iron more again. I've been bruising really easily lately, and I know I get enough of my other vitamins....grrr....

    Crap! It's almost time for D's press release!

    (share your thoughts)

    2:15p
    It smells like processed noodle pack/ Alfredo instant noodles up here. It reminds me of college, but not in a good way. Yuck. I never could understand how people could eat that processed crap.

    Tomorrow we have a team breakfast. There will be...bagels....and cream cheese...and doughnuts....and the fruit salad that I'm bringing. I hate these things. They're all going to yell at me and try to make me eat their empty starches! Gah! I know there will only be full fat cream cheese, and I can't be the weirdo to usurp the bagel person by bringing fat free cream cheese. Gah! So annoying. At least this time we're not making sausage and eggs as well...It could definitely be worse. I will not be able to get away with eating no starches, so I will have half of one bagel and eat most of the half, and I'll have tons of fruit salad, which will be comprised only of low cal fruits since I'm making it, and of course...coffee...

    At least I dodged today's team lunch invitation, saving myself much needed calories AND money. Go me : )

    My "special connection" is shorting out on me, and it's really not cool. I had the hardest time ever getting to sleep last night. The dreams did not help. I am feeling...markedly unrelaxed.

    I guess I should briefly go over what I did on break since I do it so seldom. Actually, I haven't been completely on vacation since 2002 I think. Anyhow, we went to Long Island to visit D's family and go to the beach and do fun summer stuff, and we had a really good time. I hadn't been to the beach in forever, since 02 in fact...it makes me realize how much I love the beach...you Floridians have it good (aside from the Hurricanes and a few other things)! It was nice though..even though D lost his glasses at the beach. He's such a smart boy...I really don't understand why he didn't pack contacts. *Shrugs*

    Our housemate still doesn't have a job. It's starting to piss me off.

    Yesterday D and I went to Saratoga Racetrack, and I basically broke even. I pretty much always do, which is pretty good considering that the house pretty much always wins, but kind of disappointing since I'm a megalomaniac and always expect or at least really, really want and hope to win. We got free t shirts, which are very ugly and very large. We go to Tshirt day every year, and so I have a large collection of very large, very new looking, very ugly Saratoga shirts.

    This is the most discombobulated post ever.

    While we were on the Island, (That's what the LIers (haha) call it. All people from LI are extremely fond of LI and band together. Non LIers make fun of this. Sometimes they call it Strong Island, and then they get made fun of even more. ) D's fam took us out to dinner TWICE. At one of the dinners, his fam knew the owner, and he kept giving us free food!! We said no appetizers, and he bought out a tray of fried calamari and a tray of baked clams....we said no wine, we got two bottles. We said no dessert, and he bought out an entire TRAY! Peanut butter pie, chocolate mouse, carrot cake, cheese cake, tartuffos, tiramisu, omg there was SO much dessert. I'm not even exaggerating. Then he packed a huge pizza box with pizza, calzones, cheese rolls, garlic knots, and broccoli knots. I could have died; for me it was a binge, not a binge in the classical, clinical I ate three pizzas, two bags of chips, a bag of hohos, and three cheeseburgers binge, but a binge for me. I felt horrible. I was so uncomfortable. I looked pregnant. I couldn't deal. I have determined...that I have no real gag reflex. I spent a good twenty minutes over the course of several attempts....I'm not sure if I waited too long, or if it just wasn't working or if I was just doing something wrong. Two fingers, three, all the way up to the topmost knuckles, with no real results except a really scratched up throat, a puffy face, red eyes, a messed up set of knuckles, and a feeling of excessive and unrelenting fullness. I deserved it. Hopefully this will help me to realize that I have no recourse, no free rides. I must pay.

    Today's plan:
    Bfast:1 ffy=100
    Lunch: 2 servings of chicken=250
    Dinner: Fish and salad=450
    Total=800

    And yes, it STILL smells liike those damned noodles!

    (2 thoughts | share your thoughts)

    4:21p
    I'm upset today. I think I'm just hormonal.

    I've felt a step off and useless.

    And upset. For no real reason.

    I read this girl's journal. She has real problems. I had several dreams last night. It's never a good sign for me when I remember my dreams. I generally have lucid dreams (meaning I can change and alter the outcomes conscientously), almost always in color, and almost always in third person. In one of my dreams she died. ..She hasn't updated today.

    The rest of them...if I explained them would just sound like some hellish James Joyce symbollic hallucination of horrible symbols and actions that make no sense...but in all of them I was...chased/fighting/driven/hunted. I woke up with a mental hangover.

    I feel like I've been using various things..substances...mechanisms... as a crutch.

    I'm not sure where I'm going with this.

    I think I'm just being self indulgent and hormonal and shall we say...unrelaxed...

    I feel like my life is in flux, and in the next few years I'll be completely different, and in five years, I'll be completely different from how I was five years before now. My life will be different, but in many ways, I'm betting that I'll feel the same, and my life...will be ...aging me. I think most people don't get much older than 25 at heart. Which is better? It doesn't matter. I can't imagine being...not young, being old, being unnattractive, but it will happen, and I'll still...feel young I think. I think I will still remember.I wonder what that mental divorce will be like.I can't imagine being...a mom. I can't imagine... having a family. I feel like I can only imagine my life a step or two ahead, but I know the ball is rolling; it's already been set in motion in some big disgusting, unstoppable human momentum life cycle machine, and that's....just...it, and I need to be fine with it.

    This is stupid. I think too much about things that don't matter, but at the same time matter so much, but they're a given so there's no point in thinking about them at all. What's the point in lamenting about eventualities?

    I want to be a man. Maybe not. They just have to work for things and people they never see, and they're measured by their wallets instead of their bodies, and I'm not sure if that's much better.

    There's always tea.

    Current Mood: Unnecessarily emotional
    Current Music: Seventeen seconds, The Cure

    (5 thoughts | share your thoughts)

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