Friday, July 29th, 2005

Time	Event
11:19a	Omfg I understand why people obsess over these things and why people were always trying to get me to buy one. I love my iPod! This is like my cell-phone epiphenomenon...one of those rare moments where when you get something, and you actually wonder how you ever lived without it! No more silence! That's the good news. That and the presentation yesterday totally kicked ass. Nobody screwed up; in fact we did really well. Also, I was rocking my new size 2 suit that I ordered a month or so ago, and I was totally jazzed Bad news. I'm retaining water like a sponge, and I want to die! GAH! So disgusting. I went to the gym yesterday and did a core class, but I was disappointed because it was only fifteen minutes long! I ended up doing cardio and tanning (I gave up..I just can't be this pale anymore.), so I was happy. I was pretty good food-wise, but we went out drinking, and I stuck with low -cal bvs, but I still feel disgustingly fat. It's gross. I seriously can't stand it. I think I'm having the worst fat day in the history of the universe. Current Mood: excited Current Music: Seemed like the thing to do, Dinosaur Jr (7 thoughts | share your thoughts)
12:59p	Your Birthdate: November 8 Born on the 8th day of the month, you have a special gift for business, as you can conceive and plan on a grand scale. You have good executive skills and you're a good judge of values. You should try to own your own business, because you have such a strong desire to be in control. You are generally reliable when it comes to handling money; you can be trusted in this regard. Idealistic by nature, you are never too busy to spend some time on worthwhile causes, especially if managerial support are needed. There is much potential for material success associated with this number. What Does Your Birth Date Mean? How interesting and true, especially considering I'm getting my MBA and all that jazz.. Current Mood: okay (share your thoughts)
2:36p	So why do I do it? I guess that'a a pretty valid question when you put alot of effort into something. It's not that I hate myself. I don't. I have this horrible fear of..fat, a totally natural, unavoidable substance on the human body. It disgusts me. It horrifies me. Fat is ugly. If I am fat, then I am ugly. I can't be ugly. It may be shallow and vain, but there you have it. I care too much.Somehow this doesn't extend to other people as much with me...Other people can be a normal size, and while I won't think they're thin, I won't hate them for it in the same way that I'd hate myself for being fat.That's a pretty universal theme with me. I expect infinitely more from myself than I'd ever expect of anyone. I don't ask people for things. Not for help, not for money, nothing. I have no expectations. I can't be disappointed. I won't be held in anyone's debt, but I'll help people in whatever way they need..Healthy, right? Plus, being thin is completely within my control. It's an option. It's something I can do. I can't really change my appearance in any real way..my breast size, my height, etc, but it is within my power to be thin, so why wouldn't I do it? Why wouldn't anyone? Being fat to me, would be choosing to be fat, and I could never make that choice. Ever. There's no excuse for it unless there's a pregnancy involved. There are other things too.. The control aspect is obviously attractive. The concern thing is also pretty key. Being thin gets you attention and concern, and in a strange way, I really enjoy it. Plus, it's an obsession. It fills time. Anyone who has an ed knows this. You're always planning, thinking of how to trick your body into dropping another pound. What will you eat next? What will you eat tomorrow? How much have you eaten today? How many calories? When will I workout next? What will I do at the gym? Am I thinner than she is? How much do I weigh? It's an addiction. I fully admit that. There's also the competition, fuck you aspect. I like being the thinnest person in the room, in the elevator, wherever. I totally get a rise out of it. I like that my guy thinks I'm super hot. I like being able to wear whatever I want. I like being thin because I can flaunt it to all those people and shatter their stupid excuses about why they can't lose weight, a nice big fuck you. It's also a delicious secret. With me, no one really knows, and it's this thing that I do for myself, in spite of everyone. The clandestine nature of it is very...attractive as is the whole "walking the line" aspect, which kind of goes back to the whole control thing.. Plus, I'm definitely a goal oriented girl. I save money, then I buy something. Goal achieved. I study, and I get an A. Excellent. I continue an academic program, and I get a degree. Fantastic. I crunch the numbers, come up with a plan, follow the plan, and I lose weight. I lose enough weight, and I drop a size. Drop more weight,and people notice, and you get the elusive compliment that makes it all worth while...and then I know my hard work has paid off. Goal achieved. Current Mood: resolute Current Music: U2, Sometimes you can't make it on your own (4 thoughts | share your thoughts)

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