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mood |
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Dead |
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music |
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Solitude, by Evanescence |
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Although I've never had a hangover, after such a night, I think I'm having something of the sort. My head and eyes pound with a bad headache and my muscles were tense for so long they're pretty sore now, not to mention that I feel in a daze and that last night feels like a big blender full of bad happenings.
The afternoon was alright. We practiced like hell for 5 hours total in the cold, attempting to learn 'Never Can Say Goodbye'. By the end of practice we did have it down though, we were all pretty confident that we'd do alright. Brittany's mom was so nice, getting us matching tights and hot chocolate. I think we all were confident that we'd do well, perhaps a bit too confident at the time......
Then I went home to change and I got a suprisingly huge shock at the wrong time. My neighbor, Jackie, has a grandson, Jordan, who's one grade under me and we've known each other almost our whole lives. Jordan used to visit his grandmother more often, but doesn't much anymore, but it's still pleasant to see him. He was there yesterday, and I could only visit with him for a short time, while practicing drill in the backyard. It was great seeing my childhood friend again, we talked about wht we were doing with our lives (it was obvious with the drill uniform I was wearing what I was doing). I wish it could've lasted longer.
Then I was walking to Joey's when B picked me up and we went to Burger King and back to my house to get my scarf. B and K kept calling Jordan my boyfriend, and I kept telling them to stop. I've known Jordan ever since I was a little girl, and I could never see myself dating him. They kept asking whether he was hot and I was like "He's a brother to me, I can't answer that!" Then we kept driving past the Saunders house, trying to confuse Joey and Kelly. Didn't work too well though. At Joey's, we practiced more, finished eating, put on our make-up, and then headed off to what would be one of the wort nights of my life.
We got there, and the sheer size of the other drill teams starting intimidating the crap out of us. These other bands were larger, louder, and everyone looked more skilled. Kelly tried keeping us on track by drilling us on 'Never', but we were so scared and distracted that we couldn't get through anything. Then our band got there. By that time I was shivering really badly and feeling like I was going to be sick. I even started crying a little, but I kept it down to a minimum. People kept trying to warm me up, but I couldn't stop shaking. Then we paraded for a little while and went to sit down.
When we were sitting down, I got to see how great the other drill teams were. Lahser had an amazing drill team. Everyone was together, their moves were amazing, they were amazing. Then Walled Lake Northern's turn came up. They kicked my ass in soccer and they shamed me in drill as well. They were great, I could never compete with them. Our whole drill team was stunned by them. Finally our turn was coming up.
While walking to the grass to practice, I started getting real upset and cold, and started breathing deeply, but the cold was so piercing in my lungs that I kept having to take deeper and deeper breaths just to get a little amount of air and before I knew it, I was hypervenilating and gasping for breath. The whole drill team was looking freaked out but eventually I calmed down and tried running to warm myself up, at least then I could take a breath. Then we lined up for the show.....
I'm telling you now, people might say we did alright, but they're just being nice, because if anyone watched a video tape of us, they'd see how horribly we messed up, especially me. 'I Want You Back' went well, but we've known the first song forever. 'I'll be There' was pretty good also, just a little fine tuning is needed. Then we got to 'Never Can Say Goodbye'. The first part wasn't together at all, I got so nervous I was missing counts and couldn't concentrate. Then we started moving, and I was relying on the music to keep counts, but everything seemed so distant and far away. I don't even remember this, but apparently my flag was pointing the wrong way the entire time we were marching, if you could call it that. I was blanking on the flag movements, and forgetting to roll-step. When we got towards the quick part I remembered pieces of that but none of us were together. In our last march I did what I was supposed to do, knowing that there would be nobody together with me, if anyone did it at all. Then I froze completely, my body freezing up and my mind snapping back to a panicked reality. I looked behind me to see nobody else doing anything either, and seeing Kelly on the sideline made me feel like dirt for letting her down.
So then we went to 'ABC'. I'm hoping people forgot about our failure with 'Never' because we did ok with 'ABC'. Little things like marching in place too long, I know I dragtoed too far back. But overall that was alright. When marching off the field, I could feel my eyes welling up, but I choked them back until off the field. My stomach was in knots, my head felt like it was swelling, and I was feeling horribly guilty and like I was a complete failure. Bailey was crying and I started feeling like I let my team down so by the time Chris and Danny came up to me, I was tearing up also. But I didn't want to cry in front of them. Chris and Kimmy tried cheering me up but I kind of yelled at them. At that point I was so pissed at myself I was shaking from the cold and the anger. I kept thinking to myself 'They all saw me, everyone saw me fail, everyone saw me screw up so badly, I should've never done this, I let everyone down...' and before I knew it, I was hyperventilating again. But this one was worse. Not only could I not get enough air, my head was spinning and I was getting dizzy. Bailey and Chris noticed and it's a good thing, otherwise I might've collapsed to the ground, I was holding onto my flag to keep myself from falling. I felt my eyes lock and I kept hearing Bailey and Chris telling me to clam down and I could feel them supporting my shoulders and back. I then heard Kathleen's voice, telling them to sit me down, but then I heard Bailey say 'She can't move'. At that point I couldn't. You know that weird, tingling feeling you get when your hands and feet fall asleep, kind of painful, kind of numb, kind of like a tickle, but you can't move until is subsides? That's how my hands and feet felt all of a sudden, and I felt that same feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I got scared and started breathing deeper and deeper. I started swaying but Bailey and Chris held me up. Chris kept telling me to calm down and it echoed in my head until my body listened to him, and I could feel my hands, feet, and stomach calming down. My head stopped spinning a little so my breathing slowed down a bit. I tried telling them I could walk, and I firmly believed I could, but I guess I was still swaying a little. Finally I was able to walk again and I noticed Kimmy there too.
Danny then told me I was 'quaking' and I was confused but then I realized how cold I was and that my teeth were chattering and my hands and arms were shaking back and forth from being so cold. So I walked around a little, talked a little to Kelly, then to Joey and Brittany and followed Brittany to some bleachers where everyone was now sitting. I sat next to Danny and Kathleen was on the other side of him and they kept poking each other. Kathleen was going to get up but Danny put his knee between her legs so she lost her balance and was sitting on Danny's lap. Kathleen was like 'Sarah, help me here!' But I told Danny that I've had her for four years, and that he can have her. Danny then commented again on my 'violent quaking' but I told him I as okay and then K's parents showed up. So she was talking to them and the wind picked up and I couldn't stand where I was sitting so I moved next to Chris and he was like 'You have to stop shaking so much' but I was freezing so he put his arm around me and tried warming me up for 20 minutes. I was so cold and worn out and emotionally unstable I almost fell asleep against him. But then we had to get up and line up again with all the other bands to get our awards but Chris was still holding me as we all walked to the grass to line up because I was still shivering. But he did help, I was considerably colder when I had to walk away from him to join the rest of the drill team.
So when the award ceremony was happening, I figured I might as well get people to laugh to warm them up, so I kept slapping my leg like Cheezamberger does and making random comments until Baily as ready to kill me because she was cracking up so much. Then it was off to Ram's Horn, where Carrie made a containter of cream explode which was amusing. I was still shivering a little at the restaurant so Chris and Bailey threw their coats on me. I also found out Danny's middle name, hee hee. Then on the ride home Bailey hit on this random guy, slowing down a few times so he could catch up on his bike. Low and behold it was Matt, and B was as shocked as Matt. So then B took off, and we were cracking up for her hitting on Matt. I came home, was too tired and too weak to shower, and fell into a deep sleep.
So now it's the next day and like I said, the aftermath of last night. I'm so glad that Kathleen invited me over to her house. All the cookie dough and chocolate chips we ate gave me a massive sugar surge, and cut me off from the pain I was feeling. We decided to save the cookies for drill practice, to kind of make up for how horrible we did. Then Jenn and Danny came over and we had a fun time on the trampoline until Jenn and I left. We listened to 'Just Drop Dead' and all the swearing I was singing felt good. I don't know if it was venting anger or the sugar, but singing the song made me feel a little better.
Now I'm home, still feeling awful, but trying to forget last night. I'm just glad I have good friends like Kathleen, Kimmy, Danny, Chris, Bailey, and Brittany to keep me from falling down, literally. THANKS EVERYONE!
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confused
numb
stressed
scared
