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All That Jaz

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Weekend Update [05 Jul 2004|03:53am]
[ mood | frustrated ]
[ music | Keep Me in Your Heart for Awhile - Warren Zevon ]

Well, what's been going on? Hmm . . .

I got a 1260 on my SATs . . . 700 on my verbal, 560 on my math. Rad as Heaven. I tried to be modest, but I'm really happy/proud. What, you say? Yeah, I did want my verbal to be higher. That's how things go sometimes, I guess. Okay, I've been really bitchy about the verbal, and I shouldn't be; but I am going to take it again, just to see if it was "first time" jitters.

I learned how to play Texas Hold 'Em! Lurve it.

I went to Ohio Pyle today, discovering that water + my new white bathing suit = see-through mess from HELL.

I realized, after a few parties and AIM chats and such, how much I'm going to miss Alissa and Sam next year. Seriously. Definetly my two favorite people not in my immediate "hang out every Saturday" circle.

I've been having . . . issues, lately, I guess. With my beliefs, it kinda feels like, but I don't think that's what it is anymore. I'm quite confident in my beliefs, even if I doubt. I still believe. I just wish others would do the same *cough cough*. I mean, maybe I feel like I have my priorities wrong, or that there's too much going on for me to really be content right now. I always thought I worked better under pressure, but I'm doubting that now. I don't know, this sick strange darkness comes creeping on . . . so haunting every time. I don't really like hte song "I Miss You" so much as I love the lyrics. It just seems like they're so . . . eloquent, as much as a punk/rock song can be. Who doesn't love "we can live like Jack and Sally"? Beautiful. I wish I was that creative (if that's what you'd call it).

I also stay up SO late now. I need to totally adjust my sleep system.

And.

I've made a surprise for James when he gets home. So excited, am I! He's been in Wilkes-Barre for, ehh, about a week? He left Thursday, it's now Monday morning. He comes back Wednesday.

I didn't miss him overwhelmingly until today (err, yesterday. Sunday). I mean, I was okay. I knew he was coming back, I knew it was only a week, I kept myself busy. It didn't hurt. It does now. Suddenly two days seem so much longer than they did yesterday. I've missed people before . . . and my memory isn't good enough to compare one instance to another but . . . *sigh* It doesn't help that we had a fight yesterday (we got over it; okay, well, I didn't quite, but it's probably because I haven't talked to him) and we only talked for about 5 minutes today (Sunday). And, in retrospect, some pretty shitty things happened today (Sunday).

So, to wrap this up, I write a little message to him, whether I let him be the only viewer of my hush hush secret or not. I love you. I miss you. All night, my heart aches, wanting you so badly, wanting to talk to you . . . I'm being pretentious. I miss you, and I want you to come home, boyfriend.

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Things are, well, they are [16 Jun 2004|02:32pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Anachronism Girl - Dresden Dolls ]

FINALLY completed my six hours of driving with Frankenstein. Ugh. I, apparently, am the worst driver on the planet. Fun fun fun! Be afraid if you pass me on the road, I can't look at the speedometer and stay in my own lane, and I don't know how to reverse.

Anyway, I get to see my SATs Friday . . . oh Lordy, I am SO nervous. I got my report card; they fucked up my history grade and can't change it until fall :/ but I finally climbed above a 3.0 to a 3.3 this 9 weeks (and probably should be higher, actually). Everytime I tell my dad a college I like he looks at me like I just claimed to have multiple piercings and says: They're out of your league.

JULIA RAGE. JULIA . . . SMASH!

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Mary acts like she don't care [07 Jun 2004|11:14pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]
[ music | Southern Girl - Incubus ]

I have found 18 acceptable colleges.

All but four are private, all but two are under 20K. No joke. About 6 (roughly, I haven't looked at this as closely, though I should) won't reject me on the spot based on them high-falootin' standards. Fuck.

*sigh* I feel ill today, and I miss Sharutt. Lame? Yeah. Saw him yesterday, wanted him today. Stupid boyfriend addiction. Well, I think part of it might have been because I was by myself all day, but, y'know.

Tomorrow is doctor day! Boo.

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Come what may . . . [06 Jun 2004|01:35am]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | Can't Get My Head Around You - Offspring ]

Well, I just got home from Sam's grad party afterparty; I guess I have a little headache, I dunno. Took my SATs this morning, for the first time . . . I know I nailed the verbal. And then, I started looking at colleges, which ended up being tres depressing. I want to be an English major like crazy, and I want to write; fuck that, I need to write. I need tough professors who know what they're talking about to push me into writing all the time. Now, schools that are renowned for their English departments, or have a majority of liberal arts/English majors, are generally old, private, universities; at least on the East coast. Private means tuition between 28K-40K and HIGH standards. All of the public schools that have great English departments are out of state, so tuition ends up being 30K.

Anyway, I found my dream school. Swarthmore College, which, on a scale of 100, is 98 on selectiveness. It's right outside of Philadelphia, is small (1400 enrollment), well known for liberalness and excellent liberal arts. 28K a year.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaay out of my 3.0 league . . .

Then there's Oberlin in Ohio, and . . . okay, that's about it that really looks perspective. Allegheny, where my dad went, appears to have a good English program? But I don't want to go where my dad went, and I don't want to settle . . . but a 3.0 is unlikely to woo admissions at "just below Ivy" schools, which are the only schools, as Teagarden puts it "on the cutting edge of writing."

Le sigh.

I want the best college for me, name and location, to just fall out of the sky and smack me in the head. Please. Pretty? With a cherry on top?

Going to see HP3 tomorrow with loverboy and his sister who I think dislikes me or is annoyed by my presence or somesuch. I, of course, adore her.

To sleep, perchance to dream? Ay, there's the rub!

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And in the night we'll wish this never ends. [04 Jun 2004|02:32am]
[ mood | loved ]
[ music | I Miss You - Blink 182 ]

I'm in love.

Do you remember the last time you were with someone that you just, seriously loved? Like, maybe it's because it's the beginning of the relationship or something . . . well, 3 months minus 10 days. But . . . oh this boy. I love him.

Not Alissa "love a new guy every week." Not even Julia "love every boyfriend to the end of the earth." (Except Donnie, let's make that abundantly clear.) I LOVE him. And I knew it from the fourth day and it just runs in my mind constantly when we're together. I'm just waiting for him to be ripped away for some reason, because nothing this wonderful, this perfect, could every happen to anyone and last. There are things I understand now that I never understood before. I understand the term "making love" as opposed to "fucking" or "having sexual relations" . . . it's just different. It's what you think after you've done something very sweaty and you're laying there and you're like . . . wow, I love him. I love him so much. How pretentious does that sound? Very, I guess . . . but, I don't know how to describe it. It's just this moment, and you're so tired, and you're so happy, and you're so in love with the person next to you, and you know it's not because of what just went down (ha ha, pun). It's just this moment of clarity, and he holds you against him, and though sweat's dripping off you in currents you're never uncomfortable, and you think: No one else will ever be able to make me this happy.

He does everything right. He's all I ever wanted. He's all I'll ever want, I hope.

I seriously want to marry this kid, I want to see his face every morning . . . I want him to hold me forever.

Shhhhhh, don't tell anyone.

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GOOOOOOOO---fuck! [12 Apr 2004|09:17pm]
[ mood | embarrassed ]
[ music | Fuck Her Gently - Tenacious D ]

My boyfriend and I tried to have sex.

Notice I said "tried" not "had sex."

Why so soon? One, my boyfriend and I passionately love each other; yeah I know, I need to add that cliche "but I REALLY mean it this time" here, but I do. I love him. He's rad in the raddest way. When I'm not around him, I feel nervous, mainly waiting for the axe to fall; when I am with him, it's heaven.
Also, over break, I was just laying there and I thought to myself: I'm ready. Why not? To hell with conventionalities and the like. I'm ready to fuck my boyfriend.

So, we were messing around for awhile, I was giving him head and dry humping him, etc. And I say: Let's do it now (I just bought condoms over the weekend, and I was planning on waiting until next weekend).

His penis decides to take a nap as soon as the condom goes on.

Fine. Fine. We work to rile it up again, and do so; everytime he tries to stick it in (he does so once successfully) it recoils, like a little kid being forced to enter an operahouse.

Fuck me. Please.

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STOP! Survey time! [09 Apr 2004|10:15am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | Hotel Yorba - the White Stripes ]

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: JZ
-- Birth date: 3-13
-- Birthplace: Mount Lebanon, PA
-- Current Location: RICHeyville, har har
-- Eye Color: Green with blue and brown
-- Hair Color: Brown
-- Height: 5'2
-- Righty or Lefty: Right handed, left politically
-- Zodiac Sign: Pisces

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Umm, Hungarian, Italian, Scotch-Irish, and English/British
-- The shoes you wore today: None yet, but looking at the weather, probably sandals or flip flops
-- Your weakness: Anxiety related ilnesses of the soul
-- Your fears: the future, death, suffocation/drowning
-- Your perfect pizza: Pierogie!
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: Write a book, have it published, become a well repsected bestseller and then relegated to reading lists of the future

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: okay (as No, okay, wait or No, freaking, no, okay)
-- Your thoughts first waking up: NO . . . MORE
-- Your best physical feature: Purdy eyes
-- Your bedtime: 11ish, 12ish, generally immediately after my curfew
-- Your most missed memory: PSC baby

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: Coke, preferably Diet Lime or Vanilla
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Umm, BK for the fries, McD's for everything else, Wendy's in the end
-- Single or group dates: Both, depending on the mood
-- Adidas or Nike: Derr, Doritos and soda
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: I hate ice tea
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla (yeah, a girl who doesn't like chocolate, eat it!)
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Both

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: Doesn't bother me
-- Cuss: Fuck fuck fuck, mother-motherfuck
-- Sing: AFI, Silver and Cold, and nearly any show tune (currently "16 Going on 17")
-- Daily Morning Ritual: Wake up, lay there for half an hour, brush teeth, put in contacts, get dressed, brush hair, do makeup, leave
-- Have a crush(s): No, just Ewan :)
-- Do you think you've been in love: a maybe leaning towards yes
-- Want to go to college: Yes, but I don't have any clue where yet, so that's hindering it
-- Like(d) high school: For the least part (as in, my friends), yes
-- Want to get married: Desperately
-- Believe in yourself: Sometimes yes, sometimes no
-- Get motion sickness: Ehh, I'm used to complicated movements ;)
-- Think you're attractive: Well, reasonably attractive, I think I have a nice personality.
-- Think you're a health freak: Ha ha ha ha ha
-- Get along with your parent(s): Ehh, don't really talk to them enough to know.
-- Like thunderstorms: Ehhhhhh
-- Play an instrument: Umm, no.

In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Nope
-- Done a drug: Nope
-- Had Sex: Nah, though now I can say I've actually had a few opportunities
-- Made Out: Mmmmmmm
-- Gone on a date: Oui oui!
-- Gone to the mall?: Confirmed
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: Not lately, due to shoveling anything else not tied to the floor into my mouth
-- Eaten sushi: No, I never developed a taste for it
-- Been on stage: Just a few days ago, actually
-- Been dumped: *crosses fingers* Did I screw up yet? (Response: Nope! Still do.)
-- Gone skating: HA HA HA, roller skating, woooo!
-- Made homemade cookies: No, maybe I'll do that today.
-- Gone skinny dipping: Nevah!
-- Dyed your hair: See above
-- Stolen anything: Just my music

LAYER SEVEN:
Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Oh, that horrifying night of strip poker with unattractive people . . .
-- If so, was it mixed company: Yeah, but one of them was gay.
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Le no.
-- Been caught "doing something": Somehow, no.
-- Been called a tease: Heheheheheheheh if you only knew.
-- Gotten beaten up: Nada
-- Changed who you were to fit in: Not recently

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: 25
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 4, right now. Bridget, Anna, Rachel, Jacob, Alexander, David, those are all at the top of my name list.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: Let's get married . . . in a big cathedral by a priest.
-- How do you want to die: Quietly and not painfully, or as a martyr. How glam.
-- Where you want to go to college: Fucked if I know.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: A writer, which is like growing up, but not really.
-- What country would you most like to visit: France

LAYER NINE:
In a guy/girl..
-- Best eye color? Green; actually, this is inconsequential as long as the eyes are beautiful
-- Best hair color? Blond; again, inconsequential
-- Short or long hair: Short
-- Height: Taller, much
-- Best weight: Lean and cut
-- Best articles of clothing: Boxers :), Perry Ellis preferer
-- Best first date location: Somewhere casual and fun
-- Best first kiss location: Anywhere private

LAYER TEN:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: This survey has an obsession with drugs, doesn't it? None.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: Emily, Amy Po, Gordey, Jason, probably Sam, and Shabang.
-- Number of CDs that I own: 100, I believe
-- Number of piercings: None . . . YET
-- Number of tattoos: Not a one, thank you papa
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: A few, here and there
-- Number of scars on my body: A few little ones, mostly from falling down
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: Quite a few, but they're not coming to mind.

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We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year . . . oh how I wish you were here [08 Apr 2004|02:23pm]
[ mood | loved ]
[ music | None, listening to the TV babble on in the other room ]

Wow, okay, it's been awhile; my parents have this ban on me and the computer. They said they're going to put the 'net on my computer, but as of yet that has not happened because they hate me and ignore me.

The play just wrapped up, it was fabulous. Kent, Shabang, Jessizle, Sam, and Tasha ROCKED it HARD. I'm glad, but sad. Glad to have some time off, sad that it's over, again. We still have the official cast party to look forward to as soon as the marching band returns from Florida.

In other news, Brandon's lost his BDD status and is being nice to Sam again (yay!), Alissa broke up with Ryan and is now macking on Messer (SUPERYAY!), Gordey needs money for college like Robert Downey Jr. needs rehab (too much Vh1 today), and everyone else is super, thanks for asking.

Oh!

And I have a boyfriend. The King, Shabang. One month next Wednesday. Phew. He's in God-knows-where visiting his grandmother for Easter.

I miss him dreadfully, in my melodramatic teenage way (as evidenced with the Rob incident of yore).

He's wonderful, we're wonderful for each other.

I'm soooooooooo nervous. I'm so freaking ready for something to go wrong, but I know nothing will. But I am SO nervous. We had our first fight yesterday. It wasn't so much of a fight as I overreacted to something he didn't mean to do (he claims I didn't overeact) and it was just . . . :( I made him sad, he made me sad, and then we both felt sad for making the other one feel sad. It was so pathetic, but lovably pathetic. We're absolute losers. I heart him real big though. That's what makes me nervous.

Oikay, doritos are beckoning. Ciao.

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Just another girl, that wants to rule the world, at any time or place [07 Mar 2004|10:44am]
[ mood | pensive ]
[ music | Random MP3s, maybe the Grease sdtk ]

Hmmmmmm

Went out Sports Night shopping with the crew (Emily, Gordey, Amy Po, Bill, Tim, and Steve, or, in normal translation: Emmy, Gordey, Amy, Billiam, Tim, and Stevie) yesterday; bought the sweetest Wedding Dance dress you EVER saw, some stuff for leg routine, a tres cute upperclassman dance dress, found out I get a new cell phone TODAY (okay, not "new," my mom's old one). Also, got Sam the Outsiders on DayVayDay (hope it cheers her up after her asshole Big Daddy Dictator) and bought meself a Ewan McGregor movie (A Life Less Ordinary). Went to Ponderosa, and VOMITED YELLOW MOUSSE IN THE PARKING LOT TWICE! My massive tonsills from Planet 9 just couldn't take the thick lemony goodness.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch (Ponderosa) Amy invented a new game. You take a sip, say a word, and then say: Guess, and everyone has to guess what you're thinking of. Par example:

Tim: *sip* Biohazard. Guess.
Me: April's poontah!
Emily: Twinkies!
Amy: Weiners!
Bill: Lesbians!
Stevie: Food!
Gordey: Kenny Chesney!
Tim: No, thong.

Me: *sip* Leprechaun. Guess.
Emily: Shabang!
Amy: Scott!
Gordey: Ewan McGregor!
Tim: The Scopes Monkey Trial!
Bill: Lesbians!
Steve: Rainbows!
Me: No, Dion Sanders.

And so it goes on! Funnest game ever, you just have no idea. So, we retreat to Emily's maison, and (I know, my French is showing) I start to bitch about how I like Shabang SO MUCH more than all the other ones (I really don't, he just appears to be a better person) and the group consensus, for once is: We would be really happy if you dated him and we would really like hanging out with him, he is not a bad guy and you two would make a very nice couple.

This is major, because I live and breathe by Amy, Gordey, Emily, Tim, and even Bill's opinions on major decisions. I know it's sad, but with something of that nature you have to trust your friends know who's an asshole and who's not, even when you don't, and no one's ever gotten such a nice review.

So, yeah, they all want me to ask him out, and I'm like NOOOO, for I fear rejection. Wish I was either less of a chicken or more desirable to the opposite sex.

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Get your hands off of my woman, motherfucker [06 Mar 2004|08:45am]
[ mood | lethargic ]
[ music | Toxic - Britney Spears ]

So, okay, yesterday, aside from some massive jealously concerning fucking Marissa getting a 97 on a paper and I getting a mere 95 (I refuse to admit that she is better than me in any aspect of English save studying for the objective tests; everything else, yes, English, NO) didn't really start until I went out with Sam and her friends to see Grease at Bentworth. Sam's friends: Jesse, Shabang, Cory, Alissa, Tasha. That's listed in least amount of sanity to most. First of all, she was 20 minutes late picking me up, and then we all went to see her boyfriend, Big Daddy Dictator. But, he wasn't home from work yet, so we left (this comes into play later). Then, we met up with Shabang and Alissa at the musical; this is after Cory dove into the front seat from the window and Jesse literally tried to pull him out, via window. Also, Cory is approximately a gazillion feet tall. I digress, Sam had friends in the musical, I knew people from Geek League in the musical, well, person that night, and all three of them were very good. Everyone else: very, painfully bad. It amazes me that [commercial break: green chuck taylors . . . *drool*] they sell out all four of their nights and our two night productions, audience put together, would not sell out. Anyway, many wisecracks made between Sam, Shabang, and I, much fun, had to police Jesse, on aisle, not to touch any of the cast. Corrected the grammar of a song, everyone groaned, good times. Anyway, if you know the story of Grease, you know Rizzo thinks she's pregnant because her period's a week late and when she was banging Kinnicky the condom broke. So, at the end, I swear to you, Rizzo kinda nuzzles Kinnicky and says, in the HAPPIEST, AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL VOICE EVER:
Hey, let's stop at the drugstore on the way home . . . I think my friend's coming over! *teehee*

I have been seen a fetal position quite like the one Shabang retreated into.

So, we go to Pizza Hut, somehow, since Sam's car is barely one step up from George, Matt Kinkus' infamous pimp mobile ("A door is ajar" "Shut the fuck up George"). And we're all sitting there, eating, having a good time, visiting with our friend Becca, who's waitressing. And Sam's cell phone rings. I say: Is it Daddy Dictator? She talks for a few minutes; it is him. She sounds angry, I obviously didn't hear his side of the convo, but she said things like (sounding very annoyed, and Sam really doesn't get her annoyed voice very often):
We stopped, you weren't there!
Well, I didn't know that's what you meant, I'm sorry!
Well, you're having your slumber party, what do you care if I'm out this late with my friends? <-- he's like, 21 and having two friends from work stay over at his house.
Shabang, Julia, Jesse, Cory, Tasha, and Alissa. <-- who was there.
Julia, Jesse, Cory, and Tasha. <-- who she had to take home.
Jesse and Cory. <-- I presume the guys she was taking home, for she did not mention Shabang.
Fine, I'll stop by after I take them home.
I'm sorry!

So, she was pretty grumpy for the rest of the time. He's a total dick to her, and apparently gets angry with her for hanging out with her guy friends (one of whom has a girlfriend, the rest of whom . . . just no, okay.) and basically has her whipped (wicha, wicha, Massar, Massar!). Bitches at her about EVERYTHING. I advise her to breakup with him. She seems to think she can't find anyone else, which is ridiculous, for she is awesome. But, I hope she dumps him; he's an ass and doesn't deserve the brand of cool that is my friend Sam.

Anyway, as we left the parking lot, we had a little bumper car derby with Sam's and Shabang's cars . . . very Jackass-esque, very fun, lovely dent now officially in the side of Sam's car. A nice, nice night, minus the Big Daddy Dictator bullshit.

And soon, I am off to Mock Trial, and then, hopefully, shopping with Emily and crew. Or father and mother, but they're probably too busy. Blaaaaaaaarg.

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I want you to want me [04 Mar 2004|09:07pm]
[ mood | giddy ]
[ music | Silver and Cold - AFI ]

So, today was unextraordinary, except . . . drama club practice, with the guy I like, the King. So, yeah, okay, this guy really isn't anything special . . . at all. He's a good actor (obviously, he's the lead) it's adorable, he screws up the words and gets flustered and, yeah, just, very very cute. I needed a ride home, and it was either him or [commercial break: Prince Smarmy just messaged me! Boring conversation and I came off as an idiot, not good.] my friend who lives in the opposite direction. And, well, okay, we didn't really talk on the way home (I meant to ask him about this story about him, but I didn't remember) but he was very nice and . . . I don't know, I was just comfortable. I'm totally delirious, I'm sure, because I have delusions that he could like me; actually, I think he likes Sam, or Alissa, or boys, but I'd like him to like me. 'Nuff said.

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Boy you're just a stupid bitch and girl you're just a no good dick! [03 Mar 2004|07:22pm]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | Rich - the Yeah Yeah Yeahs ]

Okay, so, today was good and bad. Good in that all my practices after school were cancelled (mock trial and drama; I usually love drama, but drama was with the chorus tonight, and none of my friends are in the chorus), and good in the day in general, bad in one of my crappy friends. Okay, back in the day, I had, like, 4 or 5 gay porns on my computer, to show that I supported Gordey and that I am open-minded; seriously, they're unexciting save the fact that there's a higher quality of attractive males in it, but I digress. Anyway, I seriously downloaded these for my gay friend, and I only still have one (since it has the absolute funniest blow job in the ENTIRE world). Meanwhile, back the ranch, Amy Jo fucking tells her English class (full of Jesse, Alissa, Sam, Tom, and God knows who else) that:
1. I have a harddrive full of gay porn.
2. I forced her to watch said gay porn.
3. I sure love me some gay porn.

Lie, lie, and lie. Now, because aforementioned people are AWESOME, they just made fun of me about it and didn't really care, but they did spread it around to half the school, for they also have big mouthes. I tell them the truth, Amy Jo denies it, and AS SOON as she finishes eating runs off somewhere leaving her stuff behind (Jesse was going to stage a confrontation since he wants to make fun of me); about 10 minutes before the bell (20 minutes after she's left) I go upstairs with Sam and Shabang. When we come back 5 minutes later, she's sitting at my table, moodily playing with stuff on her binder. She does not look at me, nor say anything to me. Alissa says she was talking (either before I was there or whenever), but I guess she didn't say anything explosively pertinent, as Alissa never intimated what was said. SO. I want to confront the bitch, as it's not this instance that really bugs me (because, as I said, all my friends are cool) but the fact that she thinks it's fun/funny to talk shit and spread rumors/secrets of all her formerly close friends, who she acts like she's still close with, but talks about how much she hates us all. But the stupid whore likes to play herself off as suicidal and the product of this terrible home life when:
1. Her homelife is mild compared to many of her friends.
2. She overeacts a lot.
3. She loves attention like I love soda.

And I just can't take her! If she has a real problem and knows it, she needs to go to counseling. We will take her incognito if her parents have such a problem with it, oi.

So, that's my mindless rant of the day; later.

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Worried kid [02 Mar 2004|09:16pm]
[ mood | worried ]
[ music | Velouria - the Pixies ]

So, okay, I found out (after drama when I sat and talked to my bud Sam for a bit) that my friend Kristy ran away from home yesterday at about 1 AM. We're not really uber-close; we used to be, but I had a bit of a falling out with she and Barb and Amy Jo this year, and the only one who seems to have recovered from it is Barb. But, we used to be close, and while a lot of her actions annoyed me and she wasn't my favorite person, I'm still worried for her. Apparently her real dad knows she's safe but, yeah . . . I fear she's with her boyfriend, in which case he could get in trouble since she's still a minor, despite being a senior. (unluckily for her, her birthday's in June)

Won my mock trial case, got best witness, getting a cell for my birthday :) Happy, but worried.

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Another beautiful March Day [02 Mar 2004|03:28pm]
[ mood | chipper ]
[ music | Baba O'Riley - the Who ]

Mmm, lovely day, despite constant headaches and sinus problems and wanting to vomit a good portion of the day.

High Points:

Flirted quite a bit with the King today, or tried to anyway. At least I talked to him.

It was my friend Sam's birthday, I made her the most awesome card, and we had a party in lunch. Also, another friend (the guy I used to like) gave up masturbation for a month and today was his last day without, so it was a party for him as well. Apparently, he has a huge penis.

This is the best part! Okay, I wrote an essay on "legalizing a law" for our practice PSSAs, and wrote about gay marriage (self-proclaimed Fag Hag); so, my English teacher and student teacher (Mama and Daddy, as I practically live in the English 11 room) think this essay is SO fucking good that they're sending it as a "letter to the editor" of the Post-Gazette and the Observer-Reporter. FUCKING SWEET! I've rarely been so proud of my work; I afear rebuttals though, or a scathing. And, maybe I'll sway some opinions, so that's always cool :)

Hmm . . . mock trial competition pretty soon, and then play practice :) Hope I don't pass out or anything, I'm so exhausted. Later.

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Wow, long time no type [01 Mar 2004|10:43pm]
[ mood | dorky ]
[ music | Pictures of Lily - the Who ]

So, it's been awhile. Rob dumped my ass like a crackbaby in a dumpster, about a month ago. And fuck did it hurt. Okay, lie, it still hurts; like, I still eye the phone around 10 waiting for him to call. And he never calls me anymore, for I am not as good as his preciousssssss Kayla. But I have my own fun.

Okay, no, I have my own wants here; wanting them is neither fun nor preciousssss. So, the one kid I've liked off and on since Homecoming (yeah, my best friend's date no less, how horrifyingly "My So-Called Life" esque) like, I don't think he's ever had a girlfriend, and he's seriously . . . I don't know; there is nothing we have in common (except what I have in common with all the other cool kids, and it's not like that gets me anywhere, their little cliques are so tightly wound that I can't squeeze in) and he's really funny, and I'll admit, cute in that dorky way I seem to attract myself to (dorky guys and smarmy guys, my curse) and, he seriously has a very adorable smile. He's beyond funny. He's the lead in the play, the King, and seriously, I thought he'd suck, but he's actually pretty good . . . he messes up words like he's dyslexic though. So, yeah, if anyone from school reads this they'll know who it is, but I'd still rather use a pseudonym, for my own peace of mind. I guess I'm going to Prom with him, as I asked him this morning, and he said "sure" like I wanted to copy his Physics homework or something.

And then there's Prince Smarmy. [commercial break: Rob just called me, and was an asshole in general, bitched at me for whinning and for using the "cute voice" he hates, that fuck.] I've liked him since . . . I don't know, some field trip earlier this year, one when I was still with Rob. God, I think he's gorgeous, like a punk/emo god. And he's deep, probably more than the former (or maybe he wants to be deep) and we have more in common and I've talked to him seriously more. (how horrifyingly bad are these sentences, seriously) But, he's often an asshole (the former is as well, but not to the drunken debauchery or backstabbing that Prince Smarmy is) . . . then again, I think Prince Smarmy is smarter, but also, not sure.

Fuck. Okay, well, this doesn't matter for I have come to accept that I will not have another boyfriend for the rest of High School. No one here is interested in me, as hard as that is for certain people to believe, and my history class induced daydreams are getting me nowhere. The King will never want me, the Prince will never want me, and I shouldn't even be thinking about "choosing" which one I like more. I'm always the little one, the Junior, outside looking in. I have my friends who I spend my weekends with, all 4 of them but . . . I want something else. Some variety.

I love the word smarmy.

So, maybe I'll play with this thing again. Why not? It's a big hush hush secret . . .

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I miss him . . . [30 Nov 2003|12:40am]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | My boy toy's mix CDs ]

Okay, I am a loser. A big, honkin' loser. Do you know why I'm a loser? I miss this freaking guy! Okay, this guy, this freaking guy, I like, bitch at him all the time because I really hate him, I really do. Honestly, he's a total tool. He's never seen anything, he's never done anything, he has a boring dead-end existance. He's not particularily (sp?) funny, which is generally what I look for in a guy. His political views, in fact, his views on life, border on nazi-like and, frankly, repulse me. What we do agree on, our faith, we have entirely opposite views on (conservative vs. liberal, again).

I'm madly in love with him.

To that end, he might be even more in love with me than I am with him. He says he is, but I have trust issues (and he knows that).

I think we're madly in love, I'm not sure.

I haven't talked to him since Thursday; actually, that's not the entire truth. If I had, had heard from him, I would not be worrying that I somehow mystically pissed him off, or that he's in trouble, or dead, or something.

I miss him.

A lot.

And I don't know why, why I like him at all, and that really bothers me.

*sigh* angst angst angst

Googlism(s) of the Update:
julia is the antithesis of the ?sweet savage romance
rob is the kind of guy who drives the bridget joneses of this world shrieking to the nearest gallon container of double

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Happy Birthday Gordey-tiger! [07 Nov 2003|10:23pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | Lucky - Bif Naked ]

Hey, h to the appy b to the irthday to my dog, G to the ordey. Yo.

I have no idea why I'm making one of these things, as I certainly will never show it to more than pi living souls. Dead souls are cool though.

I'm depraving some Beatles fan of their handle!

So, I'm at a dilemma here, a pickle, but not really, because I don't really have to make a decision or anything, you now. Right, I like three guys. In ascending order:

Kid A, who I've had a crush on for three-some (ha ha ha) years. But a mild crush. He's a hottie, and perpetually single; smokes, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs. Is tres smart, but slackeresque and has some crappy friends. Doesn't go for me, I'm sure, because his best friend wanted us to date and nothing came of it. Kid A will here on be referred to as Angel (yeah, I live for Buffy, fuck you very much).

Kid B no longer exists. Opps. That's the throuble with existance. [I edited this for some unkown reason; rather funny, considering Kid B, at that time known as Doyle, is my current boyfriend]

Finally, we have Rob. Rob doesn't need a nickname, because he's just that spazgasmic; he is officially my boy toy, but I suppose we're sorta kinda not really "together." I adore Rob. Rob and I were a fabulous couple for our four days at NYLF, I love talking to Rob, and even the things that annoy me about Rob I love.

I've known Rob for two weeks (yes, everyone who knows me and my fevered hate for sentimentality is right to call me a hypocrite).

Rob is very hot, Rob is very smart, Rob is very polite, Rob is very nice, Rob is very fun.

Rob is very much in fucking Tennessee.

So, my unrest is merely within my brain; I obviously feel strongly about Rob, but, let's face it, long distance relationships bite the big one massively.

I got my pictures of the last day of NYLF, Halloween, and beyond back. I make one sweet ass pixie. The infamous "picture that I definitely remember taking that did not come out" was one of James trying to sleep on the floor of the group room on the last day. You'll have that, to quote Alissa.

Quote o' the Moment: "My children . . . you should know something . . . I'm packing." - Jesus, South Park

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It's gotten kinda lame now. [07 Nov 2003|12:27am]
[ mood | f to the rustrated, yo. ]
[ music | It's No Good - Chevelle ]

This is all for you Post, all for you. BUT I HAVE SHAME, so you might never see this.

Hey, you can alter the date on this.

Nifty.

Oh, wait, no, you can't!

Not nifty.

I'm up late writing an English paper on Jem Finch . . . I might as well turn it in late, as I'm going to get a B anyway, 'cause it kinda sucks.

And my eyes hurt.

Later.

Bitchez.

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