Janushka's Pudding Pie's Blurty

Dream Life Of Jessica Sfintu (A Much Needed Prayer)
My mother says I have so much clothes. That's a lie. She's not going to buy me any more clothes until I stab her in the heart and cover the walls with her blood and run off with her money and start my own strip club and make a fortune by selling kitty litter on the streets of New York while going on a cold blooded murder streak and bombing random buildings. Ok, thats not what she said, but she might as well have said that. Beeyatch. I just don't happen to like my current style, and i'm trying to subtly change it. My goal: Black, but not gothic. More like a Charlotte Russe style, but with less beige and pink.

School could be going better, but its not really under my control. Yes it is, I just want to make myself feel better.

Sometimes I wish I led a normal life. I wish my friends didn't go to Campbell. I wish I went to Campbell. I wish Amy, Han, Liz, Keru, Steph, Candace, An, and Mia all went to Sprayberry. I just wish magnet schools never existed (even though thats not everyones case). I just wish that all my friends were there with me. I wish I wasn't so alone all the time. I just wish things would go my way, just this once. Its just not fair. I need Amy, to tell all my problems to. I need Han, to put a smile on my face. I need Keru, to give me an extra push. I need Steph, to put a smile on my face. I need Candace, to give me something to look forward to in the day. I need Liz, to make my life more exciting. I need Mia, to make my life interesting. I need An, to add controversy. I need my friends. Sure, I have Bianka and Yari and Eric and Shawn and Danielle. But its different. Bianka is who I relate to the most, minus the religion thing, and if it weren't for her, my life would be a living hell. Yari knows just how to make me smile and keep me from being bored. Eric makes me feel like the most special person in the history of the world, excluding the times when he gets me all worked up for his own sick amusement. >.< And Shawn helps me by just being Shawn, what more to say. Danielle helps by making me feel loved, even when I'm not. I'm glad I have these people, but I need all those peope I mentioned previously. I feel like I'm missing huge chunks of myself. I cry every day under pressure. I can't face the world with only bits and peices of myself. I'm EXTREMLY co-dependent, sensitive, and in need of attention at all times.

Why do I feel like its my fault that everyone went their seperate ways?

One more night, one more wet spot on my pillow, warm from fresh tears.

The only escape is in my dreams. In my dreams, anything goes. In my dreams, my friends are all there. IN my dreams, everything is good.

Thus, this entry in entitled "Dream Life os Jessica Sfintu (A Much Needed Prayer)"

I really need my peices back, before they're lost forever. They might be useful in the real world.

If these are supposed to be the best years of my life, I hope I die an early death.

If the Real World is worse than this, life must be a living hell.

So help me God. I come to you at a time of need. I know I have wronged, I know I have sinned. I know I abandoned you. I deserve absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. Is this why you are making my life like this? Please God. Have mercy upon one. I am only human. A stupid ignorant one at that. But why must I pay like this? Why can't I be like Bianka? So faithful is her walk, so happy are her days. Must I change my beliefs, my way of life, the way I do things, just to be happy? Why can't I just be myself and still get all the things my so called equals have? Why does everything have to fall through when I try? And when I don't, why am I criticized? Why is everythign I do or say wrong in Your eyes? Why are you torturing me? You are like Rose, God. You know exactly what to do to make me cry. Timing is always wrong, something always goes askew, someone always hurts me. I try to toughen my exterior, and I'm too mean. I soften, and I'm too sensitive. Why can't I just find someone who will always be by my side, and who likes me for who I am? Where is this best friend who knows everything about me, and still loves me? I have Eric, yes, but thats different. I am grateful, but I need more. I need a best friend. I went through the exact same thing last year. I prayed to you for best friends, and I got them. But why did you take them away from me? What have I done wrong? Answer me, God! Answer me! I'm just another voice calling out! You say you love all! Why don't you love me?!

The Father, The Son, The Holy Spirit, Amen.

I jsut took a hot shower. I feel warm. I also feel the warm escaping my body. The wonderful, warmth departs my body, just as I let it devour me. The hair on my skin stands erect as chills caress my stiff backbone and send a rush of cold air throughout my bones. I breathe in warm air, and the heat rubs my skin in a playful manner, however, the cold that follows the comforting warmth is inevitable, though it feel as if it shall never come. I waste my time doing nothing significant with the heat, and I know all too well how much I shall miss it once it leaves me for good. As I let the cold envelop me whole, I swallow down two blood colored pills roughly the size of Arkansas, and let the need to lie down dic tate my body. My brain barely lets me type this as I patiently await for my cousin to get off the phone line. My mother said that the pills will make me feel relaxed. -Perhaps too relaxed- I thought to myself, feeling as lifeless as a mannequin with her strings cut off. Another small wet area appears under my cheek as tears well up and pour down once more. I gather up my strength to type this last message, knowing that I shoudl sleep, for tomorrow is yet another day, full of new doors to open, new corridors to explore. Or so they say. I type this in all my weariness, knowing all too well the saddening fact that no one gives a rat's ass about my solitary state of being. Its all in my head, am I right?

Sincerely,
Love Always,
Yours Truly,
Always and Forever,
Best Friends Forever,
Love,
Signed,

Jessica Sfintu

Love Always,

Jessica Sfintu

Current Mood: lethargic
Current Music: "Dream Life of Rand McNally" & "10,000 Motherfuckers"- Mraz