Janushka's Pudding Pie's Blurty

Absolutely Zero
You. You were a friend. You were a friend of mine I let you spend the night

You see how it was my fault. Of course it was mine.

I'm too hard at work. Have you ever heard of anything so absurd ever in your life.

I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Who am I to say this situation isn't great? It's my job to make the most of it

Of course I didn't know that it would happen to me. Not that easy.

Hey what's that you say? You're not blaming me for anything that's great

But I don't break that easy. Does it fade away?

So that's why I'm apologizing now for telling you I thought that we could make it

I just don't get enough to believe that we've both changed.

Who am I to say this situation isn't great? It's my time to make the most of it

How could I ever know that this would happen to me, not that easy, no

All along the fault is up for grabs why don't you have it

Well it's for sale go make your offer, I'll sell it for no less than what I bought it for

Pay no more than absolutely zero.

Well neither one of us deserves the blame because opportunities moved us away

And it's not an easy thing to learn to play a game that's made for two that's you and me

The rules remain a mystery. See it can be easy.

Who am I to say this situation isn't great? It's our time to make the most of it

How could we ever know that this would happen to me, not that easy, no

All along the fault is up for grabs and there you have it

Well it's for sale go make your offer, I'll sell it for no less than what I bought it for

Pay no more than absolutely zero.

Damnit, the truth hurts. I'm sick of running from the truth, but I can't stop. Last night, I cried for the first time since Rose left. I told myself to stop. I told myself that this irritates people even more. But it just made me cry more. Then I started yelling at myself. It didn't work. Then I consoled myself, but then I realized that that's really pitiful, which kept the tears falling. Then I tried ripping my hair out, but the pain didn't hepl in the slightest. The tears kept falling until the could fall no more. I wanted to hurt myself because I couldn't stop no matter what I tried. I wished that Amy or Han were there. Two of my best friends. How will I ever live without them in high school? I'll fall apart. I keep sneezing. Either that means I'm getting sick, or someone keeps thinking about me. I hope its the latter, unless its bad thoughts. I had a long and complicated dream last night, and I don't know everyone who was in it, but I know there was...stuff I don't want to talk about. I didn't cry in my dream, but I did feel like shit. In my dream, I watched all my friends do drugs, have sex, have fun together, laugh and laugh, talk enjoyably, etc, but I didn't fit in. I never did those things. The only things I did in my dream were things that made me feel bad. I don't get it. I might ask Hugo to help me interpret it. He's done one or two of my dreams before. *sigh* Right now, I just want to find a place where I fit in, don't feel so uneasy about myself, and have many friends and great times. As long as I can take Amy, Han, Keru, and Yari with me. OK, well, its either Keru or Yari, those two don't get along. I wish I had a therapist. Too bad they're all expensive. I was making a pros and cons list of myself last night, after I stopped crying. It evened out on quantity, but definitely not on quality. Makes me sad. Well, before I start a super mego long rant, I'll end this shorter one.

I leave tomorrow for Chicago. I don't know how long it will be until I get in touch with someone. I tihnk Yari is coming back when I leave, and I think that the band people are too. *shrugs*

I'm sorry to everyone who I have wronged, or did anything that you didn't like. I'll try to do better next time. I'm too open, that's my problem. I completely hate being an extrovert. It causes so many problems. I'm going to try to keep to myself from now on. It might make my life, and my friend's lives, much easier.

I want my Cookies!!

I'm wearing that hat again. It made me happy, then it made me cry.

Goddamn, I'm so confused, and there's not much for me to be confused about! I'm so disorganized!

Love always, though the feeling may not always be mutual,

Jessica.

PS: Pessimism isn't a bad thing. Constant optomism is, in my opinion. Not like my opinion matters anyway... People love me, right? Because sometimes it doesn't feel like it. I'm sorry if I need to know constantly that I'm love. Does it make me a bad person?

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Absolutely Zero by one of the greates singers of all time.