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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2003.10.02  17.43 Goodbye for now... This is officially my last entry in this journal. I'm getting a new journal. If you care to know what my new blurty is, just ask. I'm sick of this journal. Its not me. I've changed so much, and a lot has happened. I'm afraid I can't take it anymore. So, good bye, so long, dear friend. my new blurty is http://www.blurty.com/users/jmrocketeer/ Love Always, Jessica Mood: pissed off

	2003.09.30  21.47 I AM SO PISSED AT ERIC RIGHT NOW. I'LL POST CONVOS UP LATER. I'M SO PISSED!!! Mood: pissed off Music: Comfortable Liar -- Chevelle

	2003.09.29  20.05 I hate my life.... Where is the happy? I go through all this hell through five days of a week and then I have like two hours of happy. Its not worth it, damnit! Downstairs I hear the lonesome strum of an old guitar, in the hands of an middle aged woman. Her fingers are calloused from years of playing her heart out, and the wrinkles on her forgotten face express what life has taken her through. The song she plays is powerful, and deep. Profound, and motivating. Her blue eyes moisten, and she seals her eyes shut, as if sealing her emotions inside of her. Alone she sits, in a corner on a cold hard wooden stool, while the lights and laughter of the merry people swirl around her. The gayous laughing of the Latin people puts a smile to her face. A young woman sits next to her, and gazes up in admiration. Little does she know, this is to be the senoritas fate.... Sorry, jsut felt a surge of writing come upon me. It did happen though....like, ten minutes ago, except for the fate part. I want to learn to play guitar so badly. That, and speak Spanish fluently. Those are my dreams. I yearn for it more than anything in the world. More than love, more than friendship, more than companionship..... My life is shit. I feel like dying. What hurts the most, is that no one can make it better. I know of no such person who can.......well, theres one person......but he jsut doesn't know it yet.....or prolly ever will.....DAMNIT. I jsut went down again, and learned some stuff about guitars. I really really want to play, so badly. But not like the hard stuff, and the American stuff. I want the classic stuff, the good stuff. Well, that was the highlight of my day. Amy's right, I do pour myself out on these stupid little blurties. LOL My new friend Kira was randomnly reading blurties and she read mine. She told me that she felt like she already knew me, and was close to me. : ) I hate myself. I left my Biology book on the bus. I'm so stupid. I also lost my purse today. I had a good time in Biology. I'm starting to like Darryl more and more each day, but nothing more than a friend. Mrs. Berry is awesome! We learned the photosynthesis song. Its funny. Heh. Homeroom was ok. I saw Carrie, which was good. I got my report card, which was bad. You don't want to know what my grades are. My mom saw them, and started crying. Lit was alright. I felt really disorganized, as usual. Lunch SUCKED. Band SUCKED. Spanish SUCKED. Anthropology SUCKED. The six minutes between it and Geometry were pretty good though. I just wonder why Andrew is acting all friendly to me all of a sudden, when two weeks earlier, he hated my guts. The bus ride home was fun, that was also good. I couldn't reach anyone all day long except for Yari. No one loves me. : ( My blurty looks pretty cool. I just wish I knew how to make it all cool and stuff like other ppls. I asked, but no one would tell me. : ( Well, thats about it. My life sucks, and no one cares. Love Always (even tho i know ya'll dont love me back......) Jessica Mood: depressed Music: Tonight Not Again -- Jason Mraz

	2003.09.28  22.04 errgg...... Um, thanks you guys, but no thanks. Plz don't get anymore into this, plz. I'm already really embarresed about it, and you're not helping. At all. Plz, just, lets put this in the past, PLZ! Mood: aggravated Music: Are You Happy Now -- Michelle Branch

	2003.09.28  21.44 Peace at last...... This weekend was very emotional. Friday was fun. I went to Liz's house. I was tired tho. My mom yelled at me for falling asleep in Liz's house. Bleh. Saturday, I went to Bianka's party. I had a good time! I hope she likes her present, even tho it was outweighted by the DVDs which I hope I can enjoy them as well....*looks longingly towards Bianka* I hope Merrick and I can become better friends, cause she seems like a great person. Not to mention the convenience of us being friends...... Today I went to the mall and hung out w/ Eric. It was fun. ^_^ I have magic pants that disappear pennies! "What do you think you're doing, son?" "Thats not the complaint we got." Anyways, I'm feeling pretty good right now. Practically all weekend I was crying and crying and crying. I feel neutral right now. I changed the look of my blurty. I dont get this thingey at all. I'm so lost...... RynosRage75: ur nice, smart, beautiful and a great friend. y the hell wouldn't he like u? thats so sweet! thankies Ryan! Love Always, Jessica Mood: peaceful Music: Bigger Than My Body -- John Mayer

	2003.09.23  22.17 I feel like crap. Why can't just find someone who just.....understands? I mean, my locker was trashed. Who hates me that much? All signs point to Adrian, but I mean, why the hell would he do something like that? I thought he was smarter than that.... Am I alone in here Knew you were here Sister confirms suspicions And besides the note you left on my Bed where I help you so close Did you think I'd forget Couldn't be more of a mess For to rbeathe used to be another Way I'd take you in Well its time to wake up And seperate feelings That I keep falling into Each seem like good reasons But I feel a breakdown I dont care if it shows up I'm praying this for you Til its answered I'll sad Now it seems theres a choice That begin with a break So today know that never again Will I know you that way Am I alone in here? I'm so glad I bought that Chevelle CD. They sing exactly how I feel. And they don't sing the majority of it all slow and shit. Its all poewrful and loud and out there and moving and sad. I love it. It was hard to choose which song to put up, but I chose One Lonely Visitor, the softest song on the CD. I love it all, damnit. Love Always, Jessica Mood: depressed Music: Send The Pain Below -- Chevelle

	2003.09.23  21.37 Kill me now, damnit. Today was awful. Dear god don't make me go through that hell again. I woke up, in desperate need of more sleep. I couldn't eat breakfast because my teeth were too sore. I watched the Inuyasha taping of last night, and found out that its reruns. I waited for forever for the bus. Luky and I talked some, which was a good thing. She has a boyfriend…..woo….*sigh* Shawn wasn't on the bus, so that made me sad. : ( I listened to the Chevelle CD the whole way and I lost a battery. *sigh* Lucky it was only a spare. I went to first period and we had a quiz. I think I did ok, but I secretly helped Chase on it, so our answers are basically the same, so it'd look like we cheated unless they're all right. Second period was very very boring. I read a note from Danielle and took a hard quiz and listened to a story. Boring. Third period was ok. Shawn and I had a little one on one talking until Tim came. I think that's one reason Eric hates me, but we're not there yet! *coughifanyonecarescough* I listened to Chevelle in the LGI and fell asleep on Cheryl's shoulder. Fourth period sucked. I learned that Taylor doesn't like Bianka, or "Perez" as he puts it. He says she's weird. Bianka is my Poopie, thank you very much. Eric got mad at me and I don't know a good enough reason. And I really really hate Taylor. Really. Fifth period, I took a mental break. I wrote notes in pink highlighter to Bianka, Yari, Shawn, and Eric. That was basically it. Sixth period, GAY. We learned about Egyyyypptt………woooo………no one cares about Egypt…………except Uncle Larry…………….-.-;; notes….and notes……and assignments…..and notes. I suck. I said evaporation when the answer was silt. Merrick got the millions of extra credit points. Well, I hope she needs them, cause if she doesn't, I'm going to be pissed. Oh wait, I already am, but not for that reason. @.@ Seventh period: I took another mental break. Eric didn't read my note. How nice. I had my head down on the desk and I got yelled at. We had partner work. I hated my partners. One is too commanding and dictator-like. The other agrees with everything the other says and is obsessed with Spongebob. Fun stuff. After school: I was kinda happy because I didn't need to take any books home. But noooo, ppl were in the way. Some kid with a cast on his arm smacked me in the face to get me outta the way. Ouch. Then there was ppl at Yari's locker too. So no such luck. Damnit. I had to carry everything home. I forgot to get my saxophone. Damnit! I got on the bus, and talked to Shawn basically the whole way. That was good. I likies Shawn. And whats his face didn't hit on me as much. Once Shawn got off the bus, he sat in Shawn's seat and said to me, "So, gurl, you all dressed up all nice fo' me?" I'm like, "No, but sure." He's like, "Aight, aight. I wanna suck you up thru a straw, gurl, you so hot." And then he made a slurping noise. How attractive. I'm like, "Heh, yeah." He complimented my goddamn pants, which I thought looked like something I would wear, not some dumb-ass black ghetto girl. I walked home with all those books on my back and those god awful boots. The second I came home, I fell on my bed and tried to sleep. No such luck. Godamnit. Then I got up, took off my boots (instant relief), took off that black fuzzy shirt I wore under my white one (more instant relief), and took off my socks (definite relief…I'm not a socks person…..). Then I started to type this. Other: I learned that someone trashed my locker this morning. Bianka told me that the door was wide open and there was my stuff on the ground and the balloon she gave me, too. Tim told me more about it. Bianka and he cleaned it up for me before I got there. *sigh* I bet it was Adrian. I'll have to look on my little list thingey, maybe they left a hint……………I'm thinking of quitting Jazz Band. I don't like it…………….. People are telling me that Merrick and I are sorta similar. Well, see, most of her closer friends aren't as close to me as they are to Merrick. So I dunno. Bianka told me we are, and she's both of our best friend. Then Eric told me that we are, and Shawn told me that we kinda are. *shrug* I guess that's for them to know and me to maybe one day find out. I need a foot massage. I have to call the following ppl: Eric Yari Danielle Liz Bianka Amy Han Keru And I think that's it. If I forget, then I'm sorry, call me 678 797 1797 Yeah, Eric and I worked things out, just got off the phone with him. Mom and I had a talk, too. Fun stuff, really. Not. Oh well. I took a long nap with weird dreams. I needed it, I feel much better. I took a huge pill which made my brace stop hurting. I'm still really tired, though. BTW, random compliments of the day: Bianka: I loved that shirt you were wearing today. Its hot, really! Carrie: You're awesome gurl! I so want ur jacket! Ryan: You're such a sweetie! I'm glad you know I exist, even though you will nvr read this…. Ben: You're awesome! And sexy. Heh. Thanks for being nice to me and telling Eric to be nice to me, too. ^_^ Alicia: You're the best! How come we weren't friends before? Shawn: Aww, you're cute! Eye loff ewe. Hope ur day gets better…………… Love Always, Jessica PS: PPL. Call me! It would be nice to get calls instead of making them! Mood: tired Music: Closure -- Chevelle

	2003.09.19  23.55 I love you Liz! I feel loved now! I'm new baggage! Yaaaay! Adrian:......die. Ok. I'm feeling a few tiny regrets now. I'm uber glad Eric and I are on better terms now, but the fact hat we're not going out anymore got to me. But see now, if I ever do break up with him, we can NEVER EVER be friends, nto can we go out again. Ouch. And see, when he called earlier, and we talked AS FRIENDS, it was alright. Ouch, regrets.....*sigh* Liz warned me about this. But I don't listen to people. Ever. Damnit, I'm stupid. Oscar never called me.....*tear* Ah well. Regreeeettss.....GODDAMNIT. Thank god its friday. Jesus christ.....took long enough. Alright, I regret alot of stuff I did last night on the phone...... Oh well......... I'm tired. I wish I coulda gone to ANime Club. Oh well..... GODDAMNIT REGRETS!!!!!!! I'm so tired, and so hungry. Someone, please, feed me, please.....please......i...need.......food..... Much Love Jessica Mood: disappointed Music: Creatures (For A While) -- 311

	2003.09.17  22.04 Yeah, skip the parts in the tidlies, unless you have nothing else to do..... ~~ i'm pleased to announce my new me has begun. it's been a long process, especially amidst the schedule that i keep, missing sleep and washing my feet. foot care is the most important thing one should pay attention to when traveling. the japanese have it down. taking off your shoes is more than a tradition, it's a lifestyle. when i get my own home i'm going to instate the no shoe law. it's all about comfort really, the only way you'd be uncomfortable is if you haven't changed your socks in days, toca rivera. ~~~ ok, i was just told not to take anythign in my friends blurty seriously. *looks at previous entry* Oops. ~~~wow... i'm tearing up just thinking about it. no, nevermind, it's all the smoke in this internet cafe. makes you wonder, if they have smoking sections, couldn't they have peeing sections in pools?~~~ ~~~maybe it's time i get an assistant. simply to have a friend everywhere i go. someone to always agree with me and allow me to complain from time to time. maybe someone to massage my feet, feed me grapes or wave big banana leaves at my face. someone to give all the polaroids to and tell them to scan them. that's the only thing that bums me about the 'roids, is that it's not easy to get them on the site. i'd love to show you some of these pics. maybe i'll just publish a book in a few years and add some road journal entries to correspond with the images. "yea, great idea mraz," my assistant would say. "thanks friend, more bhudda's tears please."~~~ I'm posting all this shit that no one cares about up because no one even bothers to read my blurty anyways, so WHY THE HELL NOT?!?!?! I'm angered, hurt, adn sad right now. All the happy go bai bai. *sigh* I hate myself. I wish I could be happy like Bianka. Eye loff ewe, wooevr ewe ahr woo dusnt reed this aniwaiz. *sigh* Much Love, Jessica Mood: Sad, hurt, mad, and tired. Music: Seven Nation Army -- The White Stripes

	2003.09.17  21.48 Why is it that I actually am really truly content right now? Wow, I havent felt like this since......years! Its great! I feel unstressed, even though I know that once this mood is gone, its all going to come crashing down onto me. Life is going alright, I guess. I think and hope I'm getting closer to Shawn. I really hope he gets this Merrick thing straightened out. I see Merrick's POV, and I kinda agree with it, kinda don't. Of course I'm on Shawn's side, because I know him a trillion times more than I know Merrick. So yeah. I wish Bianka and I could be closer. *tear* I wish I actually had friends in my classes. What am I going to do about Pre AP WH and Geometry? I need help! And someone to whip me so I can actually get moving on my projects!! Oscar is supposed to call me Saturday. ^_^ I hope he does. Maybe Hugo will be around. He said I'd be surprised at Hugo's voice. *shrug* I wonder what they'll think of my voice......XD Sip4253: so hows life seamonkeyswrath: well, right now i feel ok, just tired, but once i snap out of it, its going to crush me like a large boulder falling on a tiny insecure ant seamonkeyswrath: i'm hungry.....but if i eat food, i shall gain weight.....and i'm alreayd chubby as it is! i dun need more chub.....oye, i'm so hungry. i dun eat like anything except whats force fed to me.......i think i have an eating disorder...... CandyChick61089: well you should hungry, then work out seamonkeyswrath: i dun have time! seamonkeyswrath: and where would i go? CandyChick61089: well um seamonkeyswrath: what would i do? CandyChick61089: run around the school! seamonkeyswrath: lol i shall try! seamonkeyswrath: hey babe MisterCriminy: hey sexy seamonkeyswrath: whats up? MisterCriminy: nothing here..just self loathing like usual seamonkeyswrath: aww, you should stop that. i really dun see why you loathe urself so much MisterCriminy: heh, you? seamonkeyswrath: lol, self loathing as well MisterCriminy: whats wrong? seamonkeyswrath: same odl complaints seamonkeyswrath: *old MisterCriminy: OH =\ So this is my life, huh? LOL I hate it so much! ^^;; Someone save meh! Kidnap me, I say, kidnap me! I just wish I could work out my insecurities right now. Then I might feel better. Oh darn, I wish I could have gotten Homecoming Court. NOT! Phew, I was so relieved when I learned I didn't make it! Can you imagine me in a dress? Inuyaaaaaaaaaashaaaa..........Inuyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaashaaaaaaaaaa..........I NEED MORE INUYASHA! GAAAH! *is addicted* I wish I could solve everyone's problems. Then I might feel better about myself. I wish I could be as happy as Bianka. She's always so happy. I wonder why. Is it because she has God in her life? Where's God in mine? ANd don't blame it on me, like everything else!! I wish people could just see that this is how I am, and accept me for it..... *sigh* I feel really bad. My friend is really depressed. I want to help him feel better, but I don't know what to do. Well, I'm going to go before I go back and change my mood to 'depressed' and delete the stuff I typed earlier. Mucho amor, Jessica Mood: content Music: Chevelle -- Send The Pain Below

	2003.09.12  23.24 TGIF!!! whoa, this is cool. I now have this blurty thingey where it signs you on like AIM. Forgot what its called. But its cool. I didn't go to Mia's party. I'm going to call and lie and say that I couldn't go, but I really don't wanna. I mean, she didn't invite Amy.....I mean, sure, Keru will be there, but I dun even know about Han, and what about all her McKlesky friends? I mean, yeah. PLus, she's being all......bleh about it.... Got back from Yari's house. I had fun. But I'm not there yet. Today: Biology was fun. Chase is cool. And idiot, but he's cool. And he has interesting cheek cells. Apparently, we make a good lab team thingey....Lit was stupid as always. Lunch was all right, nuthin special. We voted for homecoming court, and like, 5 ppl voted for me. I'm like, 'psssht'..... Band was ok, but I think Ben Chabot, like, hates me now. Bleh. Spanish was ok, we took this easy test which I'm sure I aced. Anthropology would be so much cooler if all we did was listen to his lectures and take notes. That's my kind of class. I love listening to his lectures and learning stuff, and taking pass off tests, and stuff. But noooo. And then Geometry was good! What we're learning now is my kind of math. But all the preps are complaining about 'too much writing'. Bullshit. Then I went to anime club which was FUUUUUUN!!!! I watched Excel Saga. That has got to be the weirdest anime EVER. I LOVE IT!!! We had food, which was good, and we learned some Japanese. The only downside was that faggot ADRIAN. GODDAMNIT I WISH HE WOULD FUCK OFF!!! Anyways, after that I went to Yari's house and had a great time. I think she's beginning to become a nicer person. She's reconsidering judging all those people who dress "differently" and stuff. We talked a lot, and had lots of fun. I'm such a girl. Then I came home. I was thinking of calling people, then I realized, 'bleh whatever'. So I got online. No one's like, on.......but oh well. Anyways, I'm out, cya later! Mood: chipper Music: The Remedy -- Jason Mraz

	2003.09.10  22.13 Eye loff ewe! taotaome2: and if you are up to feeling very highly of yourself, many people have expressed an "extreme" or "moderate" missing of you taotaome2: they said " i miss her so much" and/or "she was so funny" when we were talking about you....well we only brought you up cause they were listing the ppl invited to Mia's party You people have no idea how better that makes me feel. I was pretty sure everyone at Campbell was going to forget me. I hear Keru is getting to be a little pushy again, and I wish I was there. I miss Keru and all her China-isms. Never thought I'd say that, but its true. Amy feels as if she can't really have her way for once, and if I were there, she'd have her way anytime she wanted. I wish Han was here, so I could figure out her secrets. And yeah, you know the story. Eye loff ewe! Mood: flirty Music: Bandages -- Hot Hot Heat

	2003.09.09  22.36 Thank Yous and Goodbyes Liz. I thank you. Your kind words are helping me through this. I've been stupid, but I try not to think that way. I apologize profusely for what I've done, and I hope I haven't done anything permanent. You'll get over me, I know it. I'm no one special. One day, you'll forget all about me, and you'll be a rich millionaire with a beautiful wife, watching me on the local news channel, still single and poor. You'll be rolling in a pile of money, thinking to yourself, "Jessica...Sfintu? Name sounds familiar........*shrug* Oh well," and continue rolling while your sexy wife does to you what I didn't do at the beach. Thank you Liz. You're there when I needed you. I can't thank you enough. Thank you Jason, for cheering me up. Thank you Hugo, for putting a smile on my face. Thank you Eric, for showing me what a bitch I am. Thank you everybody else, for being you and not me. It saved you a LOT of trouble. Thank you God, for not existing in my life. Where are you??? I'm going to go, and like, do something now.....something that will get my mind off of this. Good bye. <3 Alweiz, Jessica Mood: distressed Music: You Make Me High -- Jason Mraz

	2003.09.09  17.57 Sick of it! Yeah. Ok, I'm pissed. I think this time I ain't apologizing. Nor do I think I'll give amensty. I'm kind of sick of it, you know. I mean, when I do it, its awful, and I'm a bitch. I'm a whore now. Oh, yeah, let me tell ya. I'm seriously thinking of ending this. I mean, at some times, its wonderful. But at other times, it pisses me off. If I do end it, things will change. I've always been scared of change. But not this time. I mean, maybe, later on, I'll feel better about it, and I'll keep it going. And then to say that its all in my hands? No! I'm not the one in control! Don't put that responsibility on my hands! What more do you want from me?! Besides. I miss how it was before. I miss the freedom. seamonkeyswrath: hey The15thTemplar: hi seamonkeyswrath: sup seamonkeyswrath: ? The15thTemplar: nm u? seamonkeyswrath: i'm thinking about breaking up with eric seamonkeyswrath: but if i dont, dont tell him i said this The15thTemplar: y? The15thTemplar: i wont seamonkeyswrath: well, first off, when i get all pissed off when he irritates me with the same old stuff, its hilarious. yeah, when roles are reversed, I'm the one who's wrong. I'm the one who should apologize. seamonkeyswrath: second off, the fact that he pisses me off and thinks its funny! seamonkeyswrath: third, his jokes aren't funny! yeah, its really funny when he acts all jealous and mean and evil and stuff. seamonkeyswrath: hilarious i say The15thTemplar: o seamonkeyswrath: and i have like, no freedom! seamonkeyswrath: i talk to a friend more, he gets jealous The15thTemplar: im sorry seamonkeyswrath: i talk to him more, my friend gets jealous The15thTemplar: ask for some seamonkeyswrath: its ok, its not ur fault seamonkeyswrath: not to mention he's immature The15thTemplar: yea...and? seamonkeyswrath: he lays all the responsibilty on me seamonkeyswrath: lazy ass seamonkeyswrath: half the time he treats me like royalty, the other half like crap seamonkeyswrath: then he goes and says that i'm spoiled and ask too much of him The15thTemplar: ... The15thTemplar: o seamonkeyswrath: and i'm sick of it! What more can I say? but I'll probably forgive and forget anyways, me being the person I am. I'm not a bitch, I'm not a whore. <3 Alweiz Jessica Mood: infuriated Music: FOX 5 news in background

	2003.09.08  21.40 Dream Life Of Jessica Sfintu (A Much Needed Prayer) My mother says I have so much clothes. That's a lie. She's not going to buy me any more clothes until I stab her in the heart and cover the walls with her blood and run off with her money and start my own strip club and make a fortune by selling kitty litter on the streets of New York while going on a cold blooded murder streak and bombing random buildings. Ok, thats not what she said, but she might as well have said that. Beeyatch. I just don't happen to like my current style, and i'm trying to subtly change it. My goal: Black, but not gothic. More like a Charlotte Russe style, but with less beige and pink. School could be going better, but its not really under my control. Yes it is, I just want to make myself feel better. Sometimes I wish I led a normal life. I wish my friends didn't go to Campbell. I wish I went to Campbell. I wish Amy, Han, Liz, Keru, Steph, Candace, An, and Mia all went to Sprayberry. I just wish magnet schools never existed (even though thats not everyones case). I just wish that all my friends were there with me. I wish I wasn't so alone all the time. I just wish things would go my way, just this once. Its just not fair. I need Amy, to tell all my problems to. I need Han, to put a smile on my face. I need Keru, to give me an extra push. I need Steph, to put a smile on my face. I need Candace, to give me something to look forward to in the day. I need Liz, to make my life more exciting. I need Mia, to make my life interesting. I need An, to add controversy. I need my friends. Sure, I have Bianka and Yari and Eric and Shawn and Danielle. But its different. Bianka is who I relate to the most, minus the religion thing, and if it weren't for her, my life would be a living hell. Yari knows just how to make me smile and keep me from being bored. Eric makes me feel like the most special person in the history of the world, excluding the times when he gets me all worked up for his own sick amusement. >.< And Shawn helps me by just being Shawn, what more to say. Danielle helps by making me feel loved, even when I'm not. I'm glad I have these people, but I need all those peope I mentioned previously. I feel like I'm missing huge chunks of myself. I cry every day under pressure. I can't face the world with only bits and peices of myself. I'm EXTREMLY co-dependent, sensitive, and in need of attention at all times. Why do I feel like its my fault that everyone went their seperate ways? One more night, one more wet spot on my pillow, warm from fresh tears. The only escape is in my dreams. In my dreams, anything goes. In my dreams, my friends are all there. IN my dreams, everything is good. Thus, this entry in entitled "Dream Life os Jessica Sfintu (A Much Needed Prayer)" I really need my peices back, before they're lost forever. They might be useful in the real world. If these are supposed to be the best years of my life, I hope I die an early death. If the Real World is worse than this, life must be a living hell. So help me God. I come to you at a time of need. I know I have wronged, I know I have sinned. I know I abandoned you. I deserve absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. Is this why you are making my life like this? Please God. Have mercy upon one. I am only human. A stupid ignorant one at that. But why must I pay like this? Why can't I be like Bianka? So faithful is her walk, so happy are her days. Must I change my beliefs, my way of life, the way I do things, just to be happy? Why can't I just be myself and still get all the things my so called equals have? Why does everything have to fall through when I try? And when I don't, why am I criticized? Why is everythign I do or say wrong in Your eyes? Why are you torturing me? You are like Rose, God. You know exactly what to do to make me cry. Timing is always wrong, something always goes askew, someone always hurts me. I try to toughen my exterior, and I'm too mean. I soften, and I'm too sensitive. Why can't I just find someone who will always be by my side, and who likes me for who I am? Where is this best friend who knows everything about me, and still loves me? I have Eric, yes, but thats different. I am grateful, but I need more. I need a best friend. I went through the exact same thing last year. I prayed to you for best friends, and I got them. But why did you take them away from me? What have I done wrong? Answer me, God! Answer me! I'm just another voice calling out! You say you love all! Why don't you love me?! The Father, The Son, The Holy Spirit, Amen. I jsut took a hot shower. I feel warm. I also feel the warm escaping my body. The wonderful, warmth departs my body, just as I let it devour me. The hair on my skin stands erect as chills caress my stiff backbone and send a rush of cold air throughout my bones. I breathe in warm air, and the heat rubs my skin in a playful manner, however, the cold that follows the comforting warmth is inevitable, though it feel as if it shall never come. I waste my time doing nothing significant with the heat, and I know all too well how much I shall miss it once it leaves me for good. As I let the cold envelop me whole, I swallow down two blood colored pills roughly the size of Arkansas, and let the need to lie down dic tate my body. My brain barely lets me type this as I patiently await for my cousin to get off the phone line. My mother said that the pills will make me feel relaxed. -Perhaps too relaxed- I thought to myself, feeling as lifeless as a mannequin with her strings cut off. Another small wet area appears under my cheek as tears well up and pour down once more. I gather up my strength to type this last message, knowing that I shoudl sleep, for tomorrow is yet another day, full of new doors to open, new corridors to explore. Or so they say. I type this in all my weariness, knowing all too well the saddening fact that no one gives a rat's ass about my solitary state of being. Its all in my head, am I right? Sincerely, Love Always, Yours Truly, Always and Forever, Best Friends Forever, Love, Signed, Jessica Sfintu Love Always, Jessica Sfintu Mood: lethargic Music: "Dream Life of Rand McNally" & "10,000 Motherfuckers"- Mraz

	2003.09.02  23.24 To make a long story short: I hate myself right now, and I need someone to be right here, with me, right now. But no one's here. *sigh* Where's my shoulder to cry on? Mood: gloomy Music: The Boy's Gone -- Jason Mraz

	2003.08.28  22.46 Umm....hi? Today was pretty good. I was really happy all day long. Then I got loads of homework. >.< Working on project. Power went out for a little while. I'm going to the beach Monday, I want to go with Amy, but Yari wants to go. If I go with Yari, I'd feel uber fat, but if I go wiht someone normal sized like Amy, I'd feel more comfortable about going in a two piece...... I love you Amy! And Han! And Keru! And Bianka! And Eric! And whoever reads this! No one does, so whats the point! But its all good! Wait. Except for that one chik. Who totally dissed me in Candace's blurty. Who the hell does she think she is?!?!? Her Spanish is awful. I bet its Farzin. It sounds like something Farzin would do. Speaking of Satan, the one time I happened to write something really really mean about Farzin, Natalie rips it out of Yari's hands, reads it, and hands it to Farzin. I don't hate her, she hates me, now she more of a reason to hate me. But why should I care?!?! Maybe its like the whole Taylor thing. That faggot. Do NOT get me started on Taylor. I could diss him for hours on end. HE IS FUCKING GAY WITH MICHAEL RUDOLPH!!!!!!! Anyhow. I love you all!!! Except for Little Miss Anonymous......... Mood: rushed Music: 99x

	2003.08.27  21.15 The Remedy Today more than ever I wished Han, Amy, and Keru went to Sprayberry. Today we went on a field trip. To the museum. First we had to do those stupid essays. Then we left and I sat next to.......my buddy George on the bus. George in incisible, but has learned to accept that and ignore what other people say. Good for George! The museum was gay. Gay gay gay gay. I touched something I wasn't supposed to touch. I mean, dude, it didn't say PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH. But whatever. I ate Burger King. I actually ate something for lunch. It had onions in it. Blech. Anyways, I was reduced to talking to Ylaine which isn't a bad thing. Ylaine is very nice and you people shouldn't judge her before you get to know her. I mean, the tail thing is a little much, but she's cool. If you don't mind the huge breasts in a push-up bra.....O.o;; I talked a little to Travis, but not much. I mostly hung out with Emily, but she talked more with her friend Michelle, who thinks I'm a total perv just because of that comment on that statues boobs and the fact that the museun was full of porn. You shoulda seen the Costa Rican art. I mean, God had blessed those men down there, if you know what I mean. There were more penises in there then there are in a men's locker room. But it's all good. I love Costa Rica, *wink wink* I'm so damn horny right now......someone make it stop. *frustrated* BIG NEWS: I'm taking a poll on how many people like the song The Remedy by Jason Mraz. I love that song! It never gets old to my ears. I would shut up now, but no one reads these, so hell with it. The very first time I heard the song on star94, i scribbled down his name on my hand wiht an orange sharpie, knowing I had to download it. Then I slowly got obsessed with Jason Mraz. I downloaded tons of other songs, my favorites (not on the album) being Hey Love and 10,000 Mother Fuckers. Too bad he wouldn't play it at his concert, even though someone requested it, lol. *hyper hyper bounce bounce spaz spaz twitch twitch sugar sugar* No one sat with me on the bus ride home. I talked to Shawn. He said hi twice, but I had my earphones on so I didn't hear him. Then he tapped me and I jumped. Yeah. And stuff. Then I got home and got pretty far on Jak and Daxter and stuff. Yeah. I'm not horny anymore. Oh well, I'll still leave it as my mood. Hehhe. Love Always To whomever cares to read this Love yaz, Jessica Mood: horny Music: At The Stars -- Howie Day

	2003.08.25  21.59 .......*whistles* Denial..........I'm in deniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal........... HYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / // / / / / / / / / / / / / *kills self* blood tears carpet stains curbside prophet in the background lemonade ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly me *rekills self* *kills Hugo and all other people who make fun of my musical preferences (jason mraz)* Mood: uncomfortable Music: Shatterday--Vendetta Red

	2003.08.19  20.40 SOMEONE MAKE ME STOP WHINING, PLEASE, NOW, I REALLY REALLY WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH SO!! This world hates me. I swear. I don't know what I did to it. I jsut did SOMETHING bad enough as to get it furious at me. Ok, how am I pretty? I just don't see it. How am I that great? I don't see it. Why are people abandoning me? Why don't people care about me anymore? Why don't people care about me in the first place? Did I say something wrong? Was it something I did, or didn't do? Please tell me. I'll change. I want you to like me. I want to fit in. I want to be your friend. I know I mean nothing to you, but I want to. I always do something wrong, please tell me what it is, I won't do it again. I want to be your best friend. But no one gets it, do they? Why is everyone judging me? Why is everyone staring at me? And why is no one paying attention to me at the same time? I want to be heard, I want to be loved, I want to have friends, I don't want to be laughed at. I just want to be someone special. I just want people to like me. I'm weak like that. It's just not fair. I just wish I had a chance to be who I really am, and hang out with who I want to hang out with. Maybe the world is jsut spinning too fast for me. Maybe I should just sail to the edge of the world, and jump off. It might solve a lot of problems, and I'd bother less people. It would hurt people, but they'd move on. They'd forget I even existed. "Jessica.....who? You mean that annoying shy mexican girl with the wierd hair who hangs out with freaks?" I hear my name in the crowd. I turn my head. No one's talking to me. It makes me feel like a nobody. Probably cause I am one. An annoying little nobody who fucks everything up and is worthless. You think I like this life? This life of constant self-hatred? Who could love someone like me? I have yet to find this out. Who could love someone who whines as much as me? And how come whatever I try to do is wrong? I just don't get it.......can someone help me out here? Why does someone like me care about all these things? Mood: cynical Music: The Leaving Song Pt II- AFI

	2003.08.16  22.53 What a night. School. Bullshit. I want to drop out. Ha. I can only wish. must....resist.....urge...to set.....Yari up with......Julio!! *tears hair out of head* *kills Anthro teacher* HOW DARE YOU POST THAT UGLY PICTURE OF ME UP ON THE INTERNET! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! Anyhow. Today. I missed Yugioh this morning. Again. But I don't really like yugioh anymore. So what's the point. Whatever. Leave me alone. Went to the Dermatologist today. PAAAAIN! OWNESS! Then Dr. Rachal started talking about The Once and Future King and I'm all, "uuhhh-huuuh.........". Haha, yeah. Lots of phone usage. And stuff. ANd room cleaning. My blurty is so boring. Does anyone (besides Eric) actually read this on they're own, without me having to ask? No? Figures. Does anyone care (besides Eric)? No? Figures. I....want.......donut........*mouth waters* I went to see Hollywood Homicide with Eric. I had a wonderful time. ^_^ Now, he needs to get online!!! My god. I don't get it. How am I beautiful?! I don't see it. I'm literally crying right now, because Eric says I'm beautiful, and so do other people, but I don't see it! Why can't I see it?! Everywhere I go, I feel so ugly!! I'm so ugly........and don't argue with me unless you have proof that I'm not! I have plenty plenty plenty plenty plenty proof that I am fucking ugly. And I hate it so bad. Sooo bad. I'm gloomy. Cause I'm sad. Right now, i'm in agreeance with Shawn's last blurty entry, the one where everything sucks. Because it does. Especially me. Can I kill myself now? Please, someone, anyone, cheer me up, please......... Mood: gloomy Music: Chevelle - Send The Pain Below

	2003.08.13  21.58 Smoothies and Inside-out pants. Woke up, got dressed, not thinking I would break the dress code. My hair felt softer than usual this morning. I hate my bangs. I straighten them like ten times each morning and they always curl five minutes outside waiting for the bus. DAMN YOU HUMIDITY AND CURLY HAIR!! I talked to Luky alot more. She's not as bad as I thought. Once Casey moves her book bag out of my locker, I'll share my locker with Luky because she can't find hers, and mine's in a pretty good location, school-wise. It still sucks though, my locker. Rode the bus. Shawn sat in front of me, but I was waaaay too tired to talk. I need more sleep. It would help me immensly. Got to school, talked to people, went to homeroom. Went to Biology. Learned that the guy who sits next to me, Darryl, is 18. He was so amazed that I was only 13. o.o;; Went to Lit. It was ok. We had to carry our books all the way back to our lockers. So I was walking all the way form the end of the 700 hall, all the wya up the stairs, past the commons, into a corner, getting lost along the way, adn then finally reaching my locker with no help whatsoever and the only sound i heard was my sandals flopping along the tiles. Fun. My muscles were aching. Good workout though. Burned some calories. My mother says I'm losing weight. I hope its true. Lunch time. Fun time. They gave us assigned seats at the LGI for Freshman Experience. I have yet to find out the goddamn point to that class. I spilled Smoothie all over myself. It took me like a second to realize what had happened. I hopped out of my chair and started screaming "oh my God". People turned. People stared. People laughed. I almost started crying before regaining self-control. I had to turn my hoodie and my pants inside out to not show the Smoothie. This day was turning out awful. Not to mention I had gotten my monthly visitor the previous day. o.o;; After that it wasn't that bad having dried up Smoothie rubbing against my leg. Pleasant. Then we had Band. Tim and I talked a lil bit. Taylor found out that I was going out with Eric. Whatever. Michael got some info wrong, which pissed me off. Eric was threatening Tim, and Tim seemed a little scared, but it's all good. Band sucks. I talked to Taylor a little bit. Eh. I see him like, everyone in Sprayberry. It's weird. Spanish. Eh. Didn't get my schedule changed yet, so I was tuck learning my numbers and multiplying in Spanish. If half of the Spanish class got triple detention, and one fourth got double, two got single, and the rest were good, how many detentions did Senora Price hand out today? Anthro: I hate hate hate that class! Simply put, it really sucks. Geometry. Dude, I must stop day dreaming, otherwise I'll fail! It's just so hard not to daydream in class! My god. It's so boring. ALmost missed the bus. Hate my locker, hate my school. Hate the Sophomores, Juniors, and Seniors. Hate the teachers. Hate the Nazi Principal. Hate the dress code, which I violated today, but does it look like I care. Came home. Did some organization. Adrian called, talked to him. Went to church. It wasn't so bad. I jsut need to bring a friend next time. Came home. Got online. The End. Love Always, Dorothy BTW, I can feel a strong magnetism, slowly pulling me away from the comforts I used to depend on in the eighth grade. I'm growing apart from people, and people are beginning to forget me. I feel a rut in the relationship with these people. I don't know what to do. Does it mean its time to move onto bigger and better things? Or does it mean I need to pay more attention to these people? I am making new friends, but I would love keeping my old, thank you very much. You people know who you are. And you probably aren't reading this anyways. Mood: mellow Music: Send The Pain Below by Chevelle

	2003.08.12  22.27 High school is bad for my health. o.o;; SCHOOL. SUCKS. BUTT. BIO: BORING LIT: BORING LUNCH: now, that period isn't as bad.... BAND: GET ME THE FUCK AWAY FROM TAYLOR!!!! SPANISH: Well, that class is soon to change..... ANTHRO: OMG, I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY! SOMEONE HELP ME KILL HIM NOW! GEOMETRY: I think I might actually like Math this year......but then again, first impressions are always lies...... HOMEROOM: Now, that class isn't that bad...... FRESHMAN EXPERIENCE: PLEASE, HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHAT THE POINT OF THAT CLASS IS! SCHOOL SUCKS. ITS NOT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT, BUT IT STILL SUCKS. I KNOW I HAVE IT TEN TIMES EASIER THAN SOME OTHER PEOPLE, BUT STILL. IT STILL SUCKS. I HAVE NO CLASSES WITH YARI, BIANKA, OR DANIELLE. I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO DANIELLE IN SO LONG, I GET THE FEELING WE AREN'T GOING TO BE THAT CLOSE THIS YEAR, WHICH I HOPE ISN'T WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. PEOPLE AREN'T LIKING ME. I TRY TO BE NICE, AND FRIENDLY, AND NOT SHY, BUT NO SUCH LUCK. I'M STILL ANTI-PEOPLE. NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR SAY, IT SEEMS TO BE THE WRONG THING. MY MOTHER IS SUPER MAD AT ME AND I HATE IT. I'M FORCED TO GO TO CHURCH NOW. I DON'T WANT THESE THINGS. I'M SO FRUSTRATED. I NEED HELP. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE THIS IS ALL GOOD, AND SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE THIS IS HELL. SOMEONE, PLEASE, TELL ME EVERYTHING WILL BE BETTER SOON ENOUGH. I KNOW I COULD HAVE THIS WORSE, BUT YOU KNOW ME. I TEND TO WHINE. I TEND TO NEED THINGS TO BE EASY FOR ME. I'M DAMN SPOILED. I'VE BEEN STARVING MYSELF FOR NO REASON. MY MOTHER HAS TO MAKE BREAKFAST FOR ME! AND THEN SHE BRINGS IT UP TO MY ROOM AND WATCHES ME EAT, JUST TO MAKE SURE I DO! I EAT LIKE NOTHING FOR LUNCH, BUT WHEN IT'S DINNER TIME, I EAT LIKE A PIG. I NEED HELP. A THERAPIST. A LIFE. YES, I KNOW, ITS NOT AS BAD AS I THINK IT IS, BUT I DON'T CARE. MY EYE IS TWITCHING UNCONTROLLABLY AND IT WONT STOP. I'M GOING BLIND. I'M ALWAYS LONELY. I HATE SCHOOL. SUMMER HAS SWALLOWED ME WHOLE AND REFUSES TO SPIT ME OUT. I KEEP THINKING THIS WILL ONLY LAST A FEW DAYS. THEN I REALIZE THAT I HAVE TO HAVE ALL THAT FOR A WHOLE SEMESTER IF NOT THE WHOLE YEAR, AND THEN IT FEELS REAL. TOO REAL. AND WHY DO I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE IS STARING AT ME?! WHY DO I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE IS JUDGING ME?! MAKE IT STOP! SOMEONE HELP ME! COMFORT ME! GAAAH! GODDAMNIT! I DON'T SEEM TO BE MAKING MANY NEW FRIENDS, AND THE PEOPLE I DO BECOME FRIENDS WITH, I SEEM TO DO SOMETIHNG WRONG. DAMNIT. I JUST WANT SCHOOL TO EEEEEEEND!!! I SEEM TO BE LOSING FRIENDS, LIKE BIANKA, AND DANIELLE AND STEPHANIE, AND YARI, AND OTHER PEOPLE THAT MY MIND HAS TURNED THE SWITCH OFF ABOUT. I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE SO ALONE ALL THE TIME. I CAN'T TAKE IT. THIS IS SO DIFFERENT, AND SO SCARY. MY GOD. Mood: frustrated Music: The Leaving Song by AFI

	2003.08.10  22.58 Into the Torture Chamber *cough* I mean, church. Today was ok. I woke up really early, then my mother woke me up a little later. I showered, got dressed, and fnished cleaning and redecorating my room. It looks much better and its ten times more spacier now. I can actually move my chair and spin around! Yipee! The only downside is that my bed is now against a wall. That sucks. I turn over, CRASH. Lump on my head tomorrow morning. Happened once in Mundelein, Illinois. Not fun. Of course I thought it was cool, but when I was younger, I thought the second graders were the coolest people ever. o.o;; My mother didn't like the outfit I was wearing, so she changed me into a mini skirt thingey. I couldn't stand it. So I changed my whole outfit later on. I called Eric and we talked for a long time. Then we went and picked him up from his house to go to the mall. I had fun. I don't think he did though. O.o;; I dragged him to Purrfect Place. He didn't like it. o.o;; Then we went walked around a lot. *nods* After that we went to church. See, I did something and the only way to repent for it is to regain my Christian beliefs. I think I'm going to just play along as if I am, even though I really don't believe in God. Sorry, God. Sorry, Christians. Sorry, Catholics. I just don't believe in it. Sometimes, I try to regain it, but I just can't do it. I don't know what I believe in, but I know its not God. o.o;; Anyhow, I had a good time. On the way back to Eric's house, I rested my head on his lap. It was really comfortable. ^_^ School tomorrow. Bleh. I need to remember a bunch of things. Like, my schedule, and my homeroom, and my locker. I always get like, the same numbers in my combination. It always has a 27, and/or a number in the 30's. *sigh* I guess its easier to memorize that way. But I still remember my old combinations, which is obviously pointless now. Anyhow, I'm looking forward to it, and then I'm not looking forward to it at the same time. Anyhow, I'm tired. So I'm going to bed. Much love to every single person who does or does not read this. Love always, Jessica PS: I really need to talk to Hugo if I haven't already. *sigh* Mood: loved Music: One (Japanese Version) by V6 featuring Shoo

	2003.08.08  22.02 uhh..... Today was pretty good. I woke up and I just lay in bed, thinking about my life. Then I got up, showered, got dressed, did my hair, did my nails, read a little bit of that goddamn book, got online, got offline, cleaned my room as best as I could, watched vh1, listened to music, called one of my old best friends, and then I went online again. Then Eric told me to call him, and I did, even though I still don't see the point in it because I saw him, like, twenty minutes. @.@ I was missing DBZ.....whatever. We went to the movies, and then whatever else happened I'm not going to say because that's really not anyone's business!!! Ok??!?!?! Nothing -bad- or whatever.......It's just not any of your business. Anyhow, I waited outside by myself for about ten minutes and then my mommy came. She doesn't like the idea of me actually having a life. She said to me on the way to the car, "Now, if your grades don't stay up, you won't be able to go to the movies, the mall, the waterpark, or anywhere you want to go, because school is the most important thing in your life. When you're out on your own, are your friends or your boyfriends going to be there for you? No. But you'll have your education." She thinks that just because it happened to her, it'll happen to me. Stupid bitch. We got in a huge argument so I left the car in a bad mood, but my mood changed for the better. *nods* Anyways, that was my day, not like anyone cares. So, talk to you people later! Love always, Jessica Mood: peaceful Music: Girls and Boys by Good Charlotte