10:57PM
I'm so damn lonely I don't even know what to do. My writing is shit at the moment...And I know that I found out it's easiest to finish something if you just write your ass off, and then worry about everything else later, but what I'm turning out right now is such fucking shit I don't even want to see it on the computer screen, much less save it. The first novella was so EASY to write...I might just stick with editting that one for a while, and then I can decide whether I want to continue with this second idea, or start a new one. I'd delete this one right now, but I don't think I'm going to make a rational decision when I'm this tired. I really realized today how much Dan plays with me, and I very much doubt he even realizes it. he really does use me. I mean, one second I could swear he's in love with me, that he wants to be with me forever, and the next I could swear he doesn't give a fuck about me. One moment he can't stop talking to me, and the next I have to FORCE him to say ANYTHING, and then all I get are indifferent answers that are, anyway you look at them, conversation stoppers. God, I wish I could just fucking forget about him. I'm tossed around by him so much it's a wonder the bruises don't show up more often. Today was the first day of summer break, but it didn't feel like it. Maybe it's because it's a Saturday, so I'd have today off, anyway, or maybe it's because, despite the fact I hung around in my bathing suit all day, went to the pool, go a bit of sunburn, nobody really talked to me, not even online. I mean, Dan was far and away the worst, cause he was just ignoring me except when he was nagging me about sending him a picture...What I find amusing is that he doesn't want to TALK with me, but he still wants to fecking LOOK at me. Fuck that. I talked for a while with Christy, who said some very wise things where he is concerned. One of the things she told me was that if I wasn't going to tell him how much he was hurting me, then I didn't really have the right to be mad at him. And I can see that, and I even think she's right. I think i'm mostly mad at myself for falling so hard for him, and not being able to break away. I'd rather see myself hurt than him unhappy. I'd rather live for those rare moments when he treats me like he loves me than ask him to stop hurting during all the in between times and lose that. God..It's just that I'm so fucking lonely and I feel so inadequate most of the time. In fact, the only person who doesn't in some way hurt me or unfairly use me is Steve, and I've never met him, not once. I know that when I listen to him bitch, he'll repay me by listening to me, and he does his best to make me feel like I'm a special person without all the shit when he doesn't feel like doing that for me. And that's just the thing. He never feels like NOT doing it for me. He's spent HOURS before trying to convince me that I'm really a wonderful person, that I'm beautiful and that I deserve someone who totally loves me. Talking to him makes me feel so happy and ...peaceful. I know I don't have to be worried about anything when I'm talking to him, about sounding depressed or something because he'll figure it out whether I tell him or not, and then he'll do his best to help me. I can only hope that I understand him half as well as he understands me, and then I seem just as caring as he does to me. ...He's the kind of person I really want, and if I don't get to meet with him while we're in BA, I think I'll probably die. I won't even have a fucking computer so I can talk with him! ...So he's definitely one of the best people I know right now. Quite possibly THE best. Everyone else is either indifferent, using me, ignoring me, or fake. I came to that conclusion today, as well...I know a lot of fake people. All those people who said they wanted to do stuff with me over the summer...Yeah right. Liars. And Audrey's hasty 'We should do something together soon" right before she signed offline. She said she would be on later, and, well, she's on, without an away message of any sort, but she's not talking with me. I just keep thinking that it sounded really fake. And Dan's whole, "Let me be the judge of whether the picture's good or not" thing. Fuck him. I'm not going to humiliate myself any more for him by sending him bad pictures. I just refuse to. I'm not going to send him pictures when he doesn't even freaking TALK to me. And I understand that he's talking to other people, that I'm just a little smudge on his radar (excuse the pun), but nevertheless! I just wish that if he feels it's necessary to treat me like a whore, that he would at least have the desency to hold a good, long conversation with me. But I'm not going to bring it up with him, no matter how much it's hurting me, basically because I don't want things to go any more sour in that area than they already are. And...Well, damn it. All I want is someone to love me like I love him. Totally. I just want to find someone REAL that will hold me like he did that one night, and not judge me on what I seem to be before getting to know me. And if people MUST judge me first on my appearance...Why can't they ever get past seeing a carpet-munching dyke?! I just...I just don't know what to do. It seems like no matter what I try, I can't be feminine enough to be pretty and straight. It's like, somehow my having muscles automatically makes me a lesbian. Fuck men. Maybe I'll just become a lesbian out of spite. Then they will be the ones that fulfilled the prophesy, not me.
depressed