6:07AM
First of all, I just have to get this out of my system.
I HATE when people curse just because they think that makes them cool. I mean, I curse sometimes, but it's only when fuck or shit or damn is the only word that describes my emotions at the time, and I curse WAAAY more in my journal entries and when I'm IM-ing than I do out loud. I think it comes from the fact that I've just grown up in a household where you don't do that, so it's still kind of weird for me to curse outloud...Or, well, to say anything worse than the occassional damn or muttered fuck, but I really rarely ever say fuck out loud, and yet I do it all the time when I'm writing. It just feels weird to let my mouth form that word...It's very odd... But anyway, I'm off the beaten path. Back the point. I know a lot of people (especially my brother) who just curse because they think, since everyone else does it, that if THEY do it, it makes them like everyone else, and of COURSE that makes them cooler. haha...Yeah, RIGHT. Every time he curses, it sounds really fake and forced, like he's saying, "Look, what *I* can do!" and it just really gets on my nerves. At school, everyone curses, but it seems more natural. Coming out of my brother, who's only in sixth grade, it just sounds really stupid. And every time he curses, I just want to shove his face into something that will resist it and make him realize how stupid he sounds.
Anyway, I just had to rant about that for a moment.
Besides that, there's not too much to say, I guess. I mean, I could rant for EVER about that stoichiometry worksheet that Purcell gave us...Spelling it correctly without having to look is a testimony to how much I've already ranted about it, however, and I figure ranting even more about it will only be wasting finger-muscle energy, and why do that when it's not even light out?
I woke up at 0445 this morning to go running. Made me feel really good and proud of myself, especially after yesterday's overwhelming defeat by giving in and changing my alarm in the middle of the night, which resulted in my sleeping in and having only 25 minutes to get out the door. So I actually got up and got my fat ass out the door, which, I must admit, I almost didn't. but that was the hardest part, for the most part. Walked a while, then stretched, then ran for a while. Figured out how to get myself motivated enough to run longer than I think/thought I could...Just imagine what a Marine DI would say to me if he saw me. It wasn't pleasant, but it sure as hell worked. One moment I thought I was dying, and then I imagined these ferocious insults, and the next thing I realized, I was running twice as fast as I had been the moment before. So that's good to know. I'm doing it again tomorrow. I'm losing sleep, but gaining lung capacity and strength...Which is more important?
I don't think I posted this before, but it seems like a good time to put it in.
I've figured myself out. The weaker I grow emotionally/mentally, the stronger I force myself to grow physically. I have to say, the closer I get to melting down (and I'm getting pretty close) the stronger I'm getting, and the more fit. I need to take up the swimming thing, again, but it's starting to get difficult with all of these projects to do and exams to study for. I need to start on the Purcell thing (not the worksheet...the extra credit) because I'm going to suck ass on this test that's coming up. I'm staying after school to study on Monday, but God only knows how much that's going to do. Grrr....
Anyway, I still have school to get to (although mom's driving, so we don't have to leave until 0645), but I have to pack, and I'm starting to feel my leg muscles seizing (probably the first warnings of soon-to-come intense running soreness), so I'd better get up my lazy butt and start moving around.
However, before I go, I have to have one last rant about missing Dan, because I think I had another dream about him last night, although I certainly don't remember this one as well as I did the one night before last, so it must have not been so clear. ...That dream night before last however...Mon Dieu...That's the first time I've seen his face clearly in over half a year, which is really really sad, but it was wonderful to 'see' him again. I can only hope that some time during this summer, I'll get a chance to see him again, because after the summer, he goes to Japan, and then God only knows when I'll see him next. I remember him saying that I shouldn't worry about seeing him again, that I definitely will...But I want that time to be NOW, damn it...Or rather, for an extended time during the summer...It's better then, when I don't have school to worry about. I have this feeling that if/when I see him again, I'll be much more relaxed around him than I ever was. I mean, I'll actually be able to SPEAK without making a complete fool of myself. And I do so long to have a really long conversation with him where I can actually fecking (yes, I meant to put the 'e' there) HEAR him. *sigh* ...He's one of the most important people in my entire life, and yet I've only actually SEEN him twice...Oh, the irony.
Okay, well, I'm going to stop moaning about how alone I am, how much I love a man that I'm not allowed to love, and how much work I have to do this afternoon, and I'm going to go get ready for my day. I HATE A-days, but I'm hoping it'll be relatively easy. I'm going to talk to Jackson to see how the exam effects our grade, and if there's anything I can do to bring up my D + in the class...A D+ in physical fitness, all because I didn't dress out a couple of times (I thought that was only going to bring my grade down to a B), and we didn't have any bookwork to do...I need to see if there's ANY way for me to bring that up. *sigh* Life sucks, but I don't really care about that class...I only want the good grade to keep my GPA up...Despite all the groaning I sometimes do...I still like that 3.77.
busy