Date:	2003-06-25 10:10
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

Well, back from Brian's house...Back to the normal grind of every day life. When I'm with him...It's like the whole world stops, and there's only us. Lying in his arms...It's the closest thing I've ever come to complete bliss, bettered only by when we make love. God...I AM in love with him...And he thinks he might be in love with me...The fact that he's not sure makes it seem more...real than whatever Steve thinks he feels for me. Steve has told girls that he loves them before, but Brian hasn't...That tells me that he's in it more than just to waste some sperm. So Monday, June 22 was the first time I ever was eaten out by a guy, and the morning of the 23 was the first time I ever went down on a guy...I liked it...I wish Brian had felt more comfortable going down on me, because it was...amazing...And that was his first time he ever had done something like that! God...I love when he touches me...I've never been so wet in my entire life...I always thought I'd be uncomfortable taking my clothes off in front of a guy...But I wasn't at all...At first, I was a bit unsure that he wouldn't like what he saw, but evidently I was fucking wrong. I've definitely never had that sort of effect on a guy before. And I like it. But more than that...When we're together, it just feels...right. I hope this all works out...

Besides that, Steve and I fought last night, for the first time, and I think I was finally able to get him to see how I feel. And I think he's beginning to realize that my love for him is not the same as what he expresses for me. Which is good. Because I don't know if I'm really planning on continuing that relationship. I just don't know...I guess I should wait until July, but at the moment...I'm thinking that it's to Brian whom my heart really belong.

Date:	2003-06-05 21:58
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

June 3rd: I receive my first kiss.

Date:	2003-06-04 21:04
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed

Liebe ist auch schwierig verdammt. Ich weiß was ich mich selbst in nicht habe erhalten. Gut weiß ich.. Ich habe mich selbst in die schlimmste mögliche Lage, und ich keine Idee erhalten habe, wie auszusteigen davon, weil obwohl ich weiß daß ich davon aussteigen muß, will ich davon nicht aussteigen. Ich mache nicht oder KANN NICHT nur Müllhaufen Steve aus mehreren Gründen. 1 BIN) ich in Liebe mit ihm. 2 denke) ich wahrheitsgemäß, daß er BRAUCHT mich zu behalten von unter gehend, und ich ist ihn ein sehr wertvoller Freund den ich leicht nicht ersetzt bedenke denke. Aber würde ich zu mich selbst liegen, wenn ich gesagt habe, daß es leichtes Sehen sein wird, das ihn so oft wie Audrey Stu sieht, oder sogar überhaupt, außer wenn wir dort oben im Sommer sind. Und, wie daß ein Weg ist, auf eine Beziehung zu behalten? Ich bedeute, will ich jemanden, der mich liebt, aber ich will auch jemanden den ich mit wenigstens einer kleinen Frequenz kann sehen. Ich will jemanden, der TATSÄCHLICH mich halten kann, nicht nur in seinem Gemüt. Und dann gibt es Brian.. In ist Anbetracht, was zwischen uns gestern und heute weitergegangen ist, es nicht hart anzunehmen, daß er fortzusetzen dies wollen wird, wenigstens eine Weile. Die Frage wird, egal ob er wollen wird, es fortzusetzen, wenn er, zurück zu gehen, einzuschulen. Wenn er nicht macht, ist es alle gute. Ich könnte einen kleinen Sommer, irgendein wirkliches Streicheln, Geschlecht benutzen schleudert trocknet, was Sie. hat. Das Problem entsteht, wenn er die Beziehung lang Entfernung. fortsetzen will. Ich denke wenn das wird der Fall, und meine Beziehung mit Steve noch geht stark, dann ich errate ich werde brechen müssen es ab... daß,, . Im Augenblick, sowieso fühle ich ich mehr Pflichten zu Steve habe, selbst wenn ich wirklich lieber mit Brian WÄRE. Aber dann, wer weiß, was Brian einmal er machen wird, zurück zu BA geht? Er könnte leicht herum mit einem anderen Mädchen. anfangen herumspielend. Siehe, irgendwie ich WEISS, daß Steve nie das machen würde, aber ich bin nicht so sicher ungefähr Brian. Und noch muß ich jenes Ausgeben jener Zeit mit Brian. sagen. War, um das wenigste, zu sagen, erstaunlich, das. Er hat wirklich mich unbedingt vertraulich in mich selbst gemacht fühle. Ich bedeute, habe ich Selbst bewußt wirklich überhaupt. nicht gefühlt. Bedeute ich, als er zuerst versucht hat, meinen Bh abzunehmen, ich nein teilweise habe gesagt, weil ich nervös war, daß wenn DAS ist gekommen ab, was nächst kommen würde? Und, teilweise weil ich seine Eltern nicht gewollt habe, Laufen in mit mich bloß busiges zu kommen. Tatsächlich sind ich sehr sie nicht je geschehen bin überrascht hereinzukommen, während wir aus machten. Ich errate, daß das Gott Arbeiten für uns war. Gott, und durch das Ende.. Ich wollte WIRKLICH nicht verlassen, und, wenn ich Fahren morgen nicht gehabt habe, hätte ich Mutti gerufen und gefragte sie, wenn ich für ein kleines länger bleiben könnte, nur die zusätzliche Nacht, und irgendeine Entschuldigung hätte gefunden, es zu machen, wie ertönt den ich nicht nur für das Geschlecht machte will bleiben, das genau war, was es war. Gott. Ich kann nicht glauben, daß ich das TELEPHON von Mutti dort verlasse! Ich hoffe nur, daß sie es finden, erkennt, was es ist, und schickt es zu mir, wie ich ab, der in meiner E-mail zu Brian gefragt wird. Und ich kann nicht aufhalten, an zu denken, wie hart ich tatsächlich ihn. erhalten habe. Ich war... überrascht, das wenigste zu sagen, und, ihn Zuckung unter mir. zu fühlen. Mein Gott, das war der größte Anmacher von alles, ihn zu fühlen, mich begreift ein wenig dichteres, oder sein Atmen wird schwerer oder, ihn moan meinen Namen. zu haben. Ich werde daß für eine SEHR lange Zeit nicht vergessen. Und nächste Zeit, ich werden bestimmt sexy Unterwäsche bringen und ein TONNE mehr Polster, weil ich im Grunde ständig naß war, und meine zwei Polster könnten auf mit das behalten nicht. Aber es war so wert es.

Date:	2003-05-24 22:57
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

I'm so damn lonely I don't even know what to do. My writing is shit at the moment...And I know that I found out it's easiest to finish something if you just write your ass off, and then worry about everything else later, but what I'm turning out right now is such fucking shit I don't even want to see it on the computer screen, much less save it. The first novella was so EASY to write...I might just stick with editting that one for a while, and then I can decide whether I want to continue with this second idea, or start a new one. I'd delete this one right now, but I don't think I'm going to make a rational decision when I'm this tired. I really realized today how much Dan plays with me, and I very much doubt he even realizes it. he really does use me. I mean, one second I could swear he's in love with me, that he wants to be with me forever, and the next I could swear he doesn't give a fuck about me. One moment he can't stop talking to me, and the next I have to FORCE him to say ANYTHING, and then all I get are indifferent answers that are, anyway you look at them, conversation stoppers. God, I wish I could just fucking forget about him. I'm tossed around by him so much it's a wonder the bruises don't show up more often. Today was the first day of summer break, but it didn't feel like it. Maybe it's because it's a Saturday, so I'd have today off, anyway, or maybe it's because, despite the fact I hung around in my bathing suit all day, went to the pool, go a bit of sunburn, nobody really talked to me, not even online. I mean, Dan was far and away the worst, cause he was just ignoring me except when he was nagging me about sending him a picture...What I find amusing is that he doesn't want to TALK with me, but he still wants to fecking LOOK at me. Fuck that. I talked for a while with Christy, who said some very wise things where he is concerned. One of the things she told me was that if I wasn't going to tell him how much he was hurting me, then I didn't really have the right to be mad at him. And I can see that, and I even think she's right. I think i'm mostly mad at myself for falling so hard for him, and not being able to break away. I'd rather see myself hurt than him unhappy. I'd rather live for those rare moments when he treats me like he loves me than ask him to stop hurting during all the in between times and lose that. God..It's just that I'm so fucking lonely and I feel so inadequate most of the time. In fact, the only person who doesn't in some way hurt me or unfairly use me is Steve, and I've never met him, not once. I know that when I listen to him bitch, he'll repay me by listening to me, and he does his best to make me feel like I'm a special person without all the shit when he doesn't feel like doing that for me. And that's just the thing. He never feels like NOT doing it for me. He's spent HOURS before trying to convince me that I'm really a wonderful person, that I'm beautiful and that I deserve someone who totally loves me. Talking to him makes me feel so happy and ...peaceful. I know I don't have to be worried about anything when I'm talking to him, about sounding depressed or something because he'll figure it out whether I tell him or not, and then he'll do his best to help me. I can only hope that I understand him half as well as he understands me, and then I seem just as caring as he does to me. ...He's the kind of person I really want, and if I don't get to meet with him while we're in BA, I think I'll probably die. I won't even have a fucking computer so I can talk with him! ...So he's definitely one of the best people I know right now. Quite possibly THE best. Everyone else is either indifferent, using me, ignoring me, or fake. I came to that conclusion today, as well...I know a lot of fake people. All those people who said they wanted to do stuff with me over the summer...Yeah right. Liars. And Audrey's hasty 'We should do something together soon" right before she signed offline. She said she would be on later, and, well, she's on, without an away message of any sort, but she's not talking with me. I just keep thinking that it sounded really fake. And Dan's whole, "Let me be the judge of whether the picture's good or not" thing. Fuck him. I'm not going to humiliate myself any more for him by sending him bad pictures. I just refuse to. I'm not going to send him pictures when he doesn't even freaking TALK to me. And I understand that he's talking to other people, that I'm just a little smudge on his radar (excuse the pun), but nevertheless! I just wish that if he feels it's necessary to treat me like a whore, that he would at least have the desency to hold a good, long conversation with me. But I'm not going to bring it up with him, no matter how much it's hurting me, basically because I don't want things to go any more sour in that area than they already are. And...Well, damn it. All I want is someone to love me like I love him. Totally. I just want to find someone REAL that will hold me like he did that one night, and not judge me on what I seem to be before getting to know me. And if people MUST judge me first on my appearance...Why can't they ever get past seeing a carpet-munching dyke?! I just...I just don't know what to do. It seems like no matter what I try, I can't be feminine enough to be pretty and straight. It's like, somehow my having muscles automatically makes me a lesbian. Fuck men. Maybe I'll just become a lesbian out of spite. Then they will be the ones that fulfilled the prophesy, not me.

Date:	2003-05-21 19:42
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

I don't know what to say. It's been a long time since I updated here. I need to write, something fictional, but all of my current projects don't hold any interest for me any more. Of course. I'm worried about my math final tomorrow, because I just suck at it...But it's just one of those things that I'm ready to blow off now because day after tomorrow is the last day of school and there's nothing more important to me right now than getting out of school. of course, I'd stay in school for another three years straight without any breaks if it meant seeing Dan again, but I guess that's not likely to happen any time soon, so I've got to bitch about something because I have a lot of energy right now, but I'm too tired to actually get up and go running, or even walking. Walking would probably just end up with me thinking even more than I already am right now, and that's really no good at all. So yeah. Dan says I think too much. He's so fucking right. I need to get over the whole thinking thing, because it's killing me. All I can think about his him and what I should be doing right now, and seeing Steve and what everybody else has but I somehow have managed to miss out on. God...How much am I missing! And it only hurt worse when everybody was like, "OMG! Jeanne got some guy's number!" as if she hasn't gotten a thousand numbers before this. How many numbers have I gotten? It'll be a much easier number to count to than hers, I promise. See, ready, here we go... ...See? That wasn't so bad, was it? Yep, that's right. Friggin NONE...But am I surprised? No, of course not. Nobody's ever called me hot (except the gay guys, and thanks guys, but, well...I think you understand). Oh, and sure, I get the 'You're beautiful on the inside' thing all the time. That makes it even worse. Like, 'Well, on the outside, you suck, so I know you have to be at least a little bit better on the inside...I mean, ANYTHING would be better.' Yeah. Thanks a lot. That's really what I need to hear in the depths of my depression and negatively-numbered self-esteem. What I really need is for some guy to shove me up against a wall (in a none-rapist way) kiss the living hell out of me and growl "You are so fucking beautiful" and then make passionate love to me. ...but I don't see that happening any time soon, do you? besides, the only person I would ever trust to do that with me is Dan, and...Well, we all know how that is going. ...I really need to stop dwelling on him. But, well, "I guess I can't remember to forget you." YEAH Momento! It's taken a swift second place in my favorite movies list, right behind a tie with Black Hawk Down and Bloody Sunday. Saw it tonight...Yeah...Painfully beautiful and just plain fucking amazing. I went running today...Third day in a row...I'm just going to keep cranking it out. It was probably 90-degrees out, and I didn't bring water with me, and when I went to the pool, it looked like it was closed or something...They're putting up a new fence. So I couldn't go to the pool, or into that area, where there is a water fountain, so I came home really dehydrated...still am, somewhat...drinking orange juice and eating a bagel...I know I'm going to end up feeling fat...Maybe I'll go for a walk later. I probably should. or a bike ride. Or skating...Something to work it off. If I walk, I might be able to work something out to write, but skating will get the best exercise...It's a toss-up, I guess. ...I need to have some sex...lol...No...I need someone to make sweet love to me all night long. ...Yeah, ha...I'm seriouslly sexually repressed. But that's really only a tiny bit of it. Anyway...I need to think...I'm gonna go for a walk.

Date:	2003-05-08 21:11
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	enthralled

So I wanted to spread the joy of my writing, so I got an account on fictionpress.com, which is great. I've been uploading some of my writing, Delamar's project, some poetry, some other stuff like that. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to see any of my stuff until 24 hours after it's posted, so that's a bit of a bitch, but it's the best I can do, and I can't really complain because I've been wanting a place where I can post my stuff, anyway, so I'm just happy about it. I want to start another story soon, but I don't know if I actually have the time or if I'm just fooling myself. Over the summer I will, though. And my play for Higgins is DEFINITELY going to be performed tomorrow, but I'm not nervous about it, any more. It's just one of those things where, once it becomes inevitable IN YOUR EYES (no matter how inevitable it was before), you just sort of start to shrug it off. I just have to remember the cane and glass tomorrow. I'm afraid I won't. Tonight I'll lay it all out.

Date:	2003-05-05 06:12
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake

I know, I know, it's been a while. Don't bust my ass, just sue me. There really hasn't been anything to report, and there still isn't, but I'm updating anyway, because I have the time. All I do any more is homework and think about Dan. I really want to see him again. I don't even know what the odds are. I guess it depends a lot on how busy he is, how much he wants to see ME, blah blah blah...There are a lot of factors there, and I just don't want to think about them right now. I get the car today, which is nice. And evidently KT is going to be leaving her house "early" so she can get to school at 0800, instead of 0810...Haha...I'll still be there with a ton of extra time, but I might leave here a few minutes early, anyway, just to be sure. Try, 0640 instead of 0645. lol...She's an okay kid, but she isn't very punctual. But then, I really have lost a ton of respect for her this year. Like, how she said she would never, EVER smoke pot, and then she starts doing it this year, and how she and Ed have sex (Ed, who's a soph while she's a senior...I just find that a little bit weird...I mean, it's one thing when a senior guy likes a sophomore girl...I mean, okay, so it's not that different...I get the feeling that no matter who is what age, the senior is still using the soph. I get the feeling that KT is only with Ed because she's about to leave for the big bad world, and she is far from ready and dating a soph somehow makes her farther away from leaving. Well, it doesn't, but she's disillusioned herself.) And then there's the whole Wylie thing...Wylie, who has been such a bitch to me, and basically everyone else except Whitney this year. Of course, people kept telling me and telling me, but I didn't even notice it until basically the Portland trip, when she didn't say two words to me, and she was always hanging out, whispering with Whitney. I'm not really blaming Whitney. Wylie's using Whitney, and she gets a power trip or something from that. Taunt pis. I'm just going to start ignoring her (Wylie), because she's been using me, too, and I haven't realized it until now. She's manipulated me into thinking that she's the greatest, she's a goddess among writers, or something to that affect. And now I'm really pissed off about it. So I'm just going to stop acting like I want to be all buddy-buddy with her, regardless of whether or not I actually don't.

So yeah, that's my feelings on all of this. Higgins today...We start performing our plays. I go Wednesday...Guess whose play hasn't been rehearsed at all? It sort of pisses me off that I got suckered into doing Serina's play instead of mine, because she doesn't go for quite a while yet, and I go day after tomorrow...But somehow her play got rehearsed and mine didn't. I think I'm only acting in one today (Wylie's), but I'm not sure.

Oh well, wish me luck :)

Date:	2003-05-01 05:44
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

Been a little while since I updated here. I've been trying to keep all my journals balanced. Well, no, not really. I haven't been updating the diaryland ones, but then, who does? Those are, by and large, shitty journals. If I want to create another missing journal, or something like that, I'll go there, but other than that, there's no real reason for me to keep up those two journals, because there's no one to read what I have there. That day-by-day missing journal, though, was a good idea.

Well, in first period today we're going to be practising our plays in Higgins. I don't even know who I want to have in mine. A whole bunch of people already have me in theirs, and obviously I can't ask ALL of those people to be in my play, because I only have four characters. I really wish there was a black Creative Writing sophomore guy. That would have been very convenient. But, sucks for me.

Did my Chem homework last night, even though I REALLY didn't want to. That makes me proud of myself. It's just that I basically had to do it, in case I did absolutely TERRIBLY on the test the other day. Ugh...This is NOT going to be a good quarter for my grades. No, it most certainly is not going to be. Well, if I don't do so hot at the end of this year (which is, thank the Almighty God above us, only 17 days away), I REALLY have to work at it next year, anyway, to make sure I can get scholarships

Date:	2003-04-24 06:07
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy
Music:	morning birds

First of all, I just have to get this out of my system.

I HATE when people curse just because they think that makes them cool. I mean, I curse sometimes, but it's only when fuck or shit or damn is the only word that describes my emotions at the time, and I curse WAAAY more in my journal entries and when I'm IM-ing than I do out loud. I think it comes from the fact that I've just grown up in a household where you don't do that, so it's still kind of weird for me to curse outloud...Or, well, to say anything worse than the occassional damn or muttered fuck, but I really rarely ever say fuck out loud, and yet I do it all the time when I'm writing. It just feels weird to let my mouth form that word...It's very odd... But anyway, I'm off the beaten path. Back the point. I know a lot of people (especially my brother) who just curse because they think, since everyone else does it, that if THEY do it, it makes them like everyone else, and of COURSE that makes them cooler. haha...Yeah, RIGHT. Every time he curses, it sounds really fake and forced, like he's saying, "Look, what *I* can do!" and it just really gets on my nerves. At school, everyone curses, but it seems more natural. Coming out of my brother, who's only in sixth grade, it just sounds really stupid. And every time he curses, I just want to shove his face into something that will resist it and make him realize how stupid he sounds.

Anyway, I just had to rant about that for a moment.

Besides that, there's not too much to say, I guess. I mean, I could rant for EVER about that stoichiometry worksheet that Purcell gave us...Spelling it correctly without having to look is a testimony to how much I've already ranted about it, however, and I figure ranting even more about it will only be wasting finger-muscle energy, and why do that when it's not even light out?

I woke up at 0445 this morning to go running. Made me feel really good and proud of myself, especially after yesterday's overwhelming defeat by giving in and changing my alarm in the middle of the night, which resulted in my sleeping in and having only 25 minutes to get out the door. So I actually got up and got my fat ass out the door, which, I must admit, I almost didn't. but that was the hardest part, for the most part. Walked a while, then stretched, then ran for a while. Figured out how to get myself motivated enough to run longer than I think/thought I could...Just imagine what a Marine DI would say to me if he saw me. It wasn't pleasant, but it sure as hell worked. One moment I thought I was dying, and then I imagined these ferocious insults, and the next thing I realized, I was running twice as fast as I had been the moment before. So that's good to know. I'm doing it again tomorrow. I'm losing sleep, but gaining lung capacity and strength...Which is more important?

I don't think I posted this before, but it seems like a good time to put it in.

I've figured myself out. The weaker I grow emotionally/mentally, the stronger I force myself to grow physically. I have to say, the closer I get to melting down (and I'm getting pretty close) the stronger I'm getting, and the more fit. I need to take up the swimming thing, again, but it's starting to get difficult with all of these projects to do and exams to study for. I need to start on the Purcell thing (not the worksheet...the extra credit) because I'm going to suck ass on this test that's coming up. I'm staying after school to study on Monday, but God only knows how much that's going to do. Grrr....

Anyway, I still have school to get to (although mom's driving, so we don't have to leave until 0645), but I have to pack, and I'm starting to feel my leg muscles seizing (probably the first warnings of soon-to-come intense running soreness), so I'd better get up my lazy butt and start moving around.

However, before I go, I have to have one last rant about missing Dan, because I think I had another dream about him last night, although I certainly don't remember this one as well as I did the one night before last, so it must have not been so clear. ...That dream night before last however...Mon Dieu...That's the first time I've seen his face clearly in over half a year, which is really really sad, but it was wonderful to 'see' him again. I can only hope that some time during this summer, I'll get a chance to see him again, because after the summer, he goes to Japan, and then God only knows when I'll see him next. I remember him saying that I shouldn't worry about seeing him again, that I definitely will...But I want that time to be NOW, damn it...Or rather, for an extended time during the summer...It's better then, when I don't have school to worry about. I have this feeling that if/when I see him again, I'll be much more relaxed around him than I ever was. I mean, I'll actually be able to SPEAK without making a complete fool of myself. And I do so long to have a really long conversation with him where I can actually fecking (yes, I meant to put the 'e' there) HEAR him. *sigh* ...He's one of the most important people in my entire life, and yet I've only actually SEEN him twice...Oh, the irony.

Okay, well, I'm going to stop moaning about how alone I am, how much I love a man that I'm not allowed to love, and how much work I have to do this afternoon, and I'm going to go get ready for my day. I HATE A-days, but I'm hoping it'll be relatively easy. I'm going to talk to Jackson to see how the exam effects our grade, and if there's anything I can do to bring up my D + in the class...A D+ in physical fitness, all because I didn't dress out a couple of times (I thought that was only going to bring my grade down to a B), and we didn't have any bookwork to do...I need to see if there's ANY way for me to bring that up. *sigh* Life sucks, but I don't really care about that class...I only want the good grade to keep my GPA up...Despite all the groaning I sometimes do...I still like that 3.77.

Date:	2003-04-21 08:56
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper

Well, today is the last day of "spring holiday," dammit, and it looks like I'll probably be spending a lot of the time doing nothing but homework. I think, however, that I will possibly also go to the beach today, seeing as I haven't yet, and it seems like that would be a smart thing to do, as the weather has been perfect for it all break. So I guess the plan is to do some homework now...Or, rather, when Mom's done her class, and then some homework in the evening. I guess I should, in a moment, actually go look at what homework still needs to be done. ...I guess I ALSO have to teach myself the chemistry thing, seeing as how there's going to be a test in two class periods, and I still don't know how to do it...I don't even know what they are trying to find!!!

Date:	2003-04-20 14:01
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

Today, so far, is a really good day. First of all, I'm not lethargic like I was Friday, and I'm not harried and depressed like I was yesterday. Second of all, I talked to Dan for a while last night...I know I've said this before, and I'm bound to say it again and again and again...But he really is the sweetest, most selfless man/person I know/have ever known, and I count myself truly lucky to have met him, even if he's caused me some of the most intense pain I've ever felt. Third of all, we just got back from some mountain biking, so that kicks some ass. I got dirty and....SWEATY!!!! I've never realized how good sweat can feel, especially after this winter, which was far too long and oft-times, far too cold. Mostly just way to long. It's a beautiful day. I'm totally ready for clear blue skies, and temeratures in the 90's. That's the best. It's what I really need right now.

I asked Bailey if she wanted to come to the pool with me, but she made an excuse...Yet AGAIN...How many times have I asked her that on this vacation? At least three, and each time, she makes up some excuse. How stupid...I mean, I really want to spend time with her, but I want to spend time OUTSIDE doing SOMETHING, not at a movie or something where I'm not getting any exercise, any sun, and taste of this wonderful weather (and yes, I know, being inside on the computer is not EXACTLY getting a taste of the weather, but at least I haven't trapped myself in a cave), and besides, at a movie, you can't exactly talk. Or, at least, you're not ENCOURAGED to talk, whereas outside, who gives a fuck?!

So, anyway...That's sort of pissed me off, but taunt pis. I think I'm going to pick up my sketchbook, go sit outside, and draw something. Maybe I'll go to the pool to draw something. There's homework to be done, yes, but that can definitely wait until tonight, when there's no sun to be felt.

Date:	2003-04-19 20:55
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

I've really discovered that we only see what we want to see, even if we know we are being blinded by our own selfish desires. I was stupid enough to think that maybe he felt something for me, and not even because I especially like him, but only because I've grown so desperate for someone to like me. And perhaps, yes, I would have gotten some sick, perverted pleasure from showing Summer that I could actually get a guy, but I guess that's not to be, either.

For a little while, that dream mom had of someone telling her that the reason I'm not having any highschool flings is because I'm too intuned to finding the guy I'm going to marry (even though I don't realize that I'm looking for that person yet), held me up. But whatever bit of truth I pretended to wring from that--a DREAM--has vanished long ago, and I'm more lonely than not.

I'm so selfish, I know, but I just can't help it any more. I'm lonely, and I yearn for more than a casual relationship that consists of a smile here or a few words there. I want what everyone else seems to have had at least once before me. Or at least I want answers. I want to know why I don't have it. I want to know what the fuck is wrong with me. I want to know what I said wrong, what look I give is so wrong. I want to have the answers that continually elude me. But it does not seem that I will even have that and so I must retreat to my bedroom and my dry erase board where I will continue to map out the rest of my life...Marines vs. Journalism vs. Journalism in the Marines.

I wish I could have that same reckless abandon sort of fun that everyone else seems to have. I wish I wasn't such a tight ass, I wish I could just stop giving a damn. But I'm always going to turn back to the things that no one else cares about, because that's all I have. School. My future. The Marines. Because that's all I have in my life, even though 2 out of 3 of those things I don't even have yet.

But we can't all have what we want, and we can't have all that we want.

And right now, all alone, listening to the sprinklers outside, I'm so jealous of Audrey that if there was anything left in me to cry, I would. But there isn't. So I'm just writing.

Thursday I left their house as soon as possible because I didn't want to be near her and Stu because it depressed me too much. She didn't speak to me the entire time. I know she didn't realize it. I can't stand to look my friends in the eye when they're with their boyfriend/girlfriend because I'm too afraid that all I want to have will be so obviously slathered across my face, like lipstick when you hit a bump while you're in the car.

I hate being transparent. I hate being weak. I hate wanting to love so much.

Date:	2003-04-17 20:53
Subject:	shopping
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful

I'm looking for a t-shirt promoting the Corps that I won't be swimming in. Everything is Medium and up in MEN'S sizes...What I'm looking for is something a little smaller...Probably a kid's...Of which I've found a few, but only a very few, and I didn't really like any of them. I want something very plain, like gray with black lettering, that says "Semper Fi" (or fidelis) on it to counterattack Dan's AF shirt "Always First" ...Always first my ass ;) ...I love him, but you know what...Air Force...? tsk tsk....

Today was a shitty day, as any DA student will tell you. Scheduling was about as hellish as it can get, because we had to go through a regular day instead of being in arts area meetings all day long. Scheduling today wasn't getting into the classes, it was putting the classes in order, which meant shifting everything around and around and around until everything fit. Everything seemed to go okay for the Juniors, but once we got to the Sophs, everything was pushed back because it was taking so long, so lunch was postponed until 12 (instead of 11.35), and then the four lunchs were group together, A and B then C and D. And instead of just calling up the students in regular, normal alphabetical order, they had to make groups of 4 letters in alphabetical order, but then call those groups RANDOMLY. So you might have ABCD first, but then you would have WXYZ, then you would have JKLM, etc, etc. Well, finally around 11:30, R was finally called with three other letters. Well, and great, so I went there and immediately talked to Wetzel about getting changed out of AP Lang/Comp and into Journalism, and she said that if I could work my schedule out so that everything fit, she would change it. So I looked at the master class schedule (a sheet of paper with all the periods for the classes, on the flip side of which was the place for our final schedule), and everything fit. Yay!

Or...NOT.

See, evidently, everyone else wanted English III Honors the same period that I NEEDED to have it in order for my entire schedule to work, and that class had been filled up, or 'closed.' So I shifted everything around again to accomodate the new English class...Okay, it still works.

Or...NOT.

ANOTHER class was closed, so everything had to be shifted around AGAIN. Okay, it still works. Not what I wanted, but okay.

Or...NOT.

And on and on it went, for literally more than an hour and a half, I was stuck in the gym trying to work everything out. And it wouldn't work out. More and more classes were closing, and it seriously looked like I wasn't going to get to do all the classes I wanted to (specifically the classes that I am emotionally attached to: APUSH and Journalism). By the end, I was ready to cry, and only biting the inside of my lip kept me from doing so. (I ripped a muscle in my back several days ago, and being constantly on my feet for that long wasn't helping). (Later, Mom told me that when she walked past the gym when she was at school to pick me up, she saw a girl coming out of the gym in tears, and I have no doubt that the girl had just gotten so frustrated and stressed out that she broke down.) Mrs. Jones could tell, I know, and she was like (God bless her soul) "Make sure it's okay with Mrs. Kirkland, and then I'll sign you into this class" ("this class" happened to be one that was already filled out, but it was my only chance of getting my schedule to work out). And I did, and I got it all worked out!

Of course, by then, I literally couldn't BREATHE because my back was hurting so much, but did I care? Hell no! And Mom drove me home.

Then, after a little while of hanging out, mom and I started to clean out my closet (which hasn't been cleaned for AGES), so that I can get a dry erase board and start putting together plans for college and the military...basically my future. And because of all the dust and shit, I had the first real 'allergy attack' I've ever had in my long, sad history of allergies. And after a really long time, it didn't go away, so I went to the pool for a while, and now I'm really relaxed and looking for t-shirts.

The End.

Date:	2003-04-16 17:38
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

Another long day. I swam ten laps yesterday. My back has been killing me all day long, but I don't know if it's because of that or not. Well, and if it is, too bad, because I'm going to do another ten tonight, despite the fact that I have a ton of homework to do, along with some studying. I also wrote a very sucky play for extra credit in Higgins today, because I have a C+ in that class right now and I want it to look better than that on my progress report, since I'm probably going to have some other really sucky grades on there, like Chemistry and Allgebra II (of course...who couldn't foresee THAT one?) Actually, I don't feel like I'm doing well in any of my classes, which is rather ironic considering that I swore to myself and to Rochelle that this quarter I was going to get all A's (along with her...it's like dieting, you don't stick to it unless you have someone else doing it with you). Oh well...I'm hoping that once I see all the really bad grades on my progress report, I'll be like, "Oh, SHIT, I need to get working" and then I really will, nevermind that so far I actually HAVE been working on school at home, unlike I used to. I'm just hoping...

Anyway, I'm talking to Dan right now...He seriously is the most profound, most selfless person I know...He's so sweet...I want to marry him...Tough luck for me.

Date:	2003-04-15 18:36
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	lethargic
Music:	radio...music I really don't listen to

Yeah, so I'm not exactly doing a lot to fill this journal up...But nobody is reading it anyway, I think. Soon, my sister should be getting one, so that's pretty cool...She's having stupid troubles getting into Deadjournal... Parental Controls or something, nevermind that she's exactly the same control as I am. So the computer's fucked up...Taunt pis. So hopefully it'll let her onto blurty, and I'll find a livejournal code for her, too, so that she can join the REAL community of online-journalists. Fun, fun. It's very sad that my entire life is run by online journals. The only time people ever pay attention to me at all is when I make posts online. That's very sad.

Portland was very good...Go to my livejournal to see the details. www.livejournal.com/users/brandelwyn/

Wylie continues to ignore me whenever Whitney's around, as if she doesn't think Whitney will think she's cool if Whitney sees Wylie talking to me, which I'm pretty sure is shit, considering what Whitney said to me the other night after reading my livejournal entry that talked about it. But today, Wylie and I were walking out in the hall, and I was right in the middle of saying something, and then she just randomly peeled off and I realized it was because Whitney was near and she just walked off while I was saying something to go talk to Whitney. She didn't excuse herself or anything. I would have been pissed off enough if she had excused herself, but to just walk off like that...! Anyway, I always sort of got the feeling that I was only mild entertainment for Wylie, just someone to feel the silence when there was no one else. Like, I guess I never get/got the feeling that when I was talking I had her total attention...It was more like she was leaning away from me, just waiting for someone better to turn up. It makes me really sad, anyway, because I really like Wylie, and I wished I got the feeling that she thought me as good a friend as I think of her. But it never seems like that. And this time, it's not really something that I can just say 'taunt pis' to, because it's really important to me. grrr....

Talked to Dan yesterday...We spent a good amount of time talking about how I needed to relax and give myself more credit, and I was like, "I'll relax and give myself credit when I've actually accomplished something that deserves it." And he was like, "You HAVE accomplished stuff" and then he listed all these things that he considered to be accomplishments of mine. He really is incredibly sweet...I really wish I could be as close to him as I want to be. But I can't, can I?

And that's about it for right now. I should REALLY be doing homework, since I have a ton of it for tomorrow, AND I need to catch up on all the chemistry I missed while in Portland, but I really don't feel like doing it. well, I'm not a masochist for nothing, am I?

Date:	2003-04-08 19:32
Subject:	Reader's Digest version of my life and problems
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful
Music:	Gladiator

Well, I'm terrible new to this whole thing, but as I have been told, and as I can quite obviously see, this is definitely not any different from livejournal, of which I have on, nor from deadjournal, which I also have. I'm so glad I don't have to figure out anything different. Sadly, I have no life, and therefore, I have four online journals...it's really quite pathetic...Maybe if some guy decided I wasn't such a lesbian (I am so totally NOT a lesbian, though I certainly don't mind them) I would have a little bit better luck at love, or at least the dating game, but as it is, I've never kissed a guy, never even been asked out on a date, so my life really sucks right now. I guess I'll just have to wait on that whole thing. In the meantime, my life is totally devoted to school and the internet...Half my friends are away at war or are about to be, and the other half don't really pay attention to me any more. So, that sucks, as well.

The one good thing, apparently, in my life, is going to Portland, Oregon for a journalism conference tomorrow, which means I will miss Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of school. Bad news is, I probably won't be getting sleep for those days, either. Tomorrow I wake up at 0400 and "Sunday" when we get back, it'll be 0100, so really it will be early on Monday morning, and I have two tests that day. Guess who's going to be failing them? I'll probably be so exhausted by the end of the day that I'll just collapse before I finish the test. It's not a good outlook, but it's quite possible...I'm not used to getting only 4 hours of sleep. Why four? Because I have to wake up at 0500 to get to school. Doesn't that suck? I really think they should be paying me for this.

Anyway....I'm leaving, or at least waking up, in a few hours, and I don't yet have anything packed or ready. I need money too...So I'd better go. I obviously won't be updating for the next several days, but I'll be back here eventually to rant and rave. :)