Chelsea's Blurty

stress
i have come to realize that i don't have nearly as much to do as aniticipated. originally thinking after missing class for several days due to the flu that it would be hard to catch up i soon realized that i just have left to do what was assigned previously. this was good news considering i have a lot on my mind. i am currenlty trying to manage my stress better. i am hoping that with a few adjustments i will be able to become healthier and my immune system will start to regenerate and i will be able to have more energy to put into creative outlets. i feel by stating my goals and redirecting my stress more constructively i will be fast on my way to recovering from a very stressful year. as the year comes to a close i feel the urge to start anew. to get a fresh start on things and begin with a positive outlook. i am generally a pretty optimistic person yet with things clogging the flow of my usual abilities it does start to take a toll on my outlook on current situations. i can't help but feel distant with my emotions. i worked so desperately hard recently to push them out and down and keep them suppressed as to make myself stronger and it only eats away at me. before long i feel almost as though i am rotting internally. it's a horrible thought to think of myself rotting inside from all of the junk i take in and don't manage. sounds so simple to just learn to relieve stress. stress. such a small word for the impact it causes. it's so much more than those six little letters that easily roll off your tongue. it's the very thing that makes small tasks so difficult. the holidays seem to send many over the edge. as though it's a slow climb to insanity and it reaches a peak when they can't find that perfect gift or their table settings are off. for me it's more chaotic. it goes from a pure manic state where i feel everything is going great and unbeatable, to uncertainty and distress which leads to a melancholly mind frame of questioning and anxiety. i am normal. yet i feel solitary in my emotions at times. i want to be understood and yet there is this part of me that doesn't want to convey the possiblities of being unable to handle what life is giving me. i have to tell myself they are just challenges and that i must learn from them regardless of outcome. it's simply not that easy. i try. it gets easier with time. religion is supposed to lead me yet i find in times of doubt i do not turn nearly as often to prayer and meditation as i should. i look away and inside. i was told that far to many of us situate our spirituality based on convienence vs. obedience. i am guilty of this. we all are. it's a world of fast paced exchanges. glimpses into the future of what can and cannot be obtained that determines the paths of many. yet i try to remain stable in the present and prepare for the future. i wish to reconnect with my spirituality on a level that i am able to not just check in and out of but walk with and talk with. doubt is toxic. it is my emotional, spiritual, and physical poison. it's internalized and released daily. a never ending drip of cortisol which eats my stability and rots my body. i fight this as long as my body can handle then it just gives up leaving me defenseless and unattached. i have the strength. i must anchor it. stop the slow drip of waste that seeps through the cracks of sanity. clean the dark places of my subconscious. remain consistent in the battle against self-doubt and anxiety. positive i remain. strong, i am perceived as. consistancy, a constant battle. spirituality carries me away. love intoxicates my senses. dreams cleanse my soul. nature feeds my mind. the future leads me blind.

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: ben fold