I need him...   
06:30pm 11/04/2004
 
mood: crushed
music: 40 below summer: Wither away
Today,Easter, is just about as gloomy as it can get. Last night was horrible. I cried myself to sleep and just thinking about Matt kills me inside. I was about to rip myself apart last night because it's my fault that I don't have Matt anymore. I shouldn't have let him go EVER, but it's just so hard to tell the fucking truth to anything anymore. I would do anything to get him back. He says he can't be with me right now...but he will be. I'm just so scared he'll find someone. He just doesn't know how much I need him right now...I feel dead inside, and yesterday when he kissed I felt alive..sooo alive, but now all I do is cry and its even worse then before. I don't want to be me anymore. I see now that this will never go away no matter how much it seems to go away i will always love him and it hurts so bad that he doesn't want to be with me when I need him the most. I guess when you really fall in love with someone it never goes away and seeing him yesterday just made everything worse. I know I need help before I really do kill myself..Crying like this hurts more then any wound. I haven't stopped hurting since last night and I don't think I'm going to...I'm hoping things get better. Hoping..that he will come back to me because i need him so.......
 
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Weird day   
08:38pm 10/04/2004
 
mood: confused
music: Lacuna coil:Self deception
Today was weird and it hurt at first.Jacquie and I hung with Jeremy and Matt. I was very sad, because I still love him. Inside it felt like he could never love me again. So I sort of hid away from everyone. Then he tried talking to me. I looked into his eyes and it hurt so much to feel that I couldn't have him. I went off and cried by myself for a minute or two. Then I decided that's not going to help anything...I needed to find out how he felt.Hahah.I went on top of the dumpster..and I guess maybe I'm a tad afraid of heights. I felt like I was going to fall, but Matt pulled me up. Then the trouble was getting down lol. Well, yeah Matt cought me and it really didn't look right, but I liked it...I mean what...lol. Yeah, and oh yeah I forgot about this little kid that wouldn't stop bothering us lmao! he threw a rock at jeremy.Well, I told Matt I had something to tell him but waited a little while cause i was scared of what he would say. I finally got the nerve to tell him. I told him to look at me and I said " I love you" then we got into the discussion of 'we cant live like this again' and I told him I can. I honestly love him and I don't think I ever stopped and I'll do anything to be with him. I started crying and he wiped away my tears and held me and that hurt even worse because i felt like i couldnt have him. I told him I needed him and he said he needed me too then there was some slight arguing. It was like 7:29 and Rich came.. I was still crying and Jacquie yelled that we had to go. I was still crying, but we looked into each others eyes and it felt so good to. Then, we kissed. I wanted to hold onto that kiss forever I didn't want to let go EVER but i had to go I held him tightly and told him i loved him and he said he loved me too...then I left with tears in my eyes but a smile on my face..I'm not sure as to what's going to happen.
 
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Bleh.   
08:18pm 04/04/2004
 
mood: depressed
music: Godsmack-Make me believe
Last night I slept over Jacquie's. We went to the movies, which was fun. Jeff Swordge was there. I broke my pants.Ha! I'm a loser.Ahem,anyway.When we got home we watched cabin fever. It was pretty freaky. I loved it, because well I love everything morbid.That was great. Then we started to watch American wedding but I got really tired and fell asleep. This morning I was awoken at 11:00. Jacquie was told she had to be at church by twelve. She didn't like that Idea too much. We went downstairs and ate doughnuts. I don't think I need them, with my fatness and whatnot. Then Jacquie had a huge arguement with Rich about going to church. Unfortunately, she lost. So,I went upstairs and got dressed and called my mom tto pick me up. On the way home I stopped at becky's to get my matches. She didn't have them. Joanna took them. I knew that was going to happen. So, I went home did a little bit of nothing. Then I decided I needed to have a cig. My day was pretty depressing already without knowing what else was in store. Since I had no lighter or matches I went to Brandon's because becky was there. I gave her a Cig and brandon too...He fucking threw his when there was a huge cut left. Look at him wasting my cigarettes that prick. We all smoked then went to my house. We ate mottzerella sticks and watched t.v..Then I decided I wanted them to leave so I could sit in my room and listen to my music. Interesting, I had a talk with Matt(Laux).Turns out he didn't cheat on me.I argued with him about me wanting to die. He said I should live. I guess we are friends now. I just wish I had more then a friend because I really need that right now.Then I stayed online for a little while and listened to music. Then I ate supper. Afterwords I called (some one). Which was probably the worst part of my day. I found out he doesn't like me. He still loves someone. Looks like I'm on my own and there's no one to be with. I can't help but be depressed my life is turning into a big black hole. Luckily I have Jacquie and my friends to comfort me. If not for them I would be six feet under. I wish I had someone....I can't live this life on my own.
 
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Today was fun.   
08:52pm 27/03/2004
  Today me and Jacquie got ice cream and ate it with no spoons haha they fell and then Jeremy and Cam showed up at morgan while we were there eeww! ahem Camel and Walrus.lmao...yeah then we got string cheese and soda haha we're such losers but we're cool because we just are lol. Then Alex came and then Tom and Ryan and we hung out for a little while and they threw the string cheese...then me and Tom hid from everyone that was interesting lol i got dirt all over my back and stuff and now i have mosquito bites like everywhere but oh well today was fun...good-night  
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