Craving Something Lost's Journal

Tuesday, May 31, 2005


Having a very pleasant day! Went to Fashion Bug and got some nice clothes for work, ran some other errands, and got ready to go back to work tomorrow. Extra hugs and taking with good friends are also great blessings. God is so good to me! He provides just when you don't know what you are going to do!! I am really looking forward to this summer...*big smile*.

Current mood: happy
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Saturday, May 21, 2005

11:30PM - Bittersweetness

I am back from California! Back home that is. A place I never thought I would be so glad to see. And next week it is back to my ever-wonderful home away from home, CURF! Although I wish I could have stayed here at home a little longer, I am so looking forward to being back in IL, living with Chrissi, working at the KCC, and hopefully, taking classes if I get my butt in gear and register. Life is good. I've been rather productive. I went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned, had lunch with Andrea, and packed for moving next weekend. This week I am going to visit a few more people, get my hair cut and colored, and go get my guitar restrung so that I can take it back to school with me. Tonight my mom invited a bunch of girls over to have a PMS party and we had a lot of fun. We watched Napolian Dynomyte (spelling?). OMG! That movie is so great!

I think I am going to go over to the dark side and start a Xanga. I said I never would, but few people use Blurty anymore and I want to be able to comment on other's journals and have one myself that I can let people read. Granted I could tell people about this one, there is just too much garbage in it from the past, and I would just rather keep in the past. I want to start fresh. But before I do, I just want to spill about California.

California. That was probably one of the most life-changing events of my life. A place where I felt more close to God than ever before, and at other times, so distant and out of place. I was embarrased all the time, and uncomfortable in my own skin, which is a terrible feeling. But yet, there were times where I was so happy and elated that I just wanted to scream. I was soooo happy the first couple months, and sooo sad the last two. It was one of the only experiences I ever had in my life where my emotions affected me physically, the good and the bad. All I can say, is that overall, it was a good experience, I do think I was meant to go, and I know that I learned a lot of lessons, which I will post later. It's so hard to build a life somewhere and then have to walk away. It was just hard. I think I am a lot stronger, though, because of it. I know I have a much stronger appreciation for my family, for home, and for my true friends, anyhow. Why do we want to be close to people who don't feel the same about us? Why do we bust our ass to hang on to things that were just never meant to be? I feel so jadded sometimes. I'm sick of trusting people, letting them into my life, only to have them blow me off. And I'm sick of screwing myself out of great relationships because I'm so gunshy and afraid to let the people who really care about me in. Like God. All I wanted was to keep the friendships that I had initially built there. I dont think things should have taken the turns that they did. I was hurt, and I did have a right to be taken back by some of the things that happened, because they were bogus. You cannot invite someone into your life and then drive them back out. But the need to be accepted is a horrifically powerful thing. We have all fallen because of it. When one is being held in high regard, especially in a living situation, they are not going to rock any boats. And to be fair, that includes me. I don't like confrontation anymore than the next person. Which is why I put up with a rediculous amount of shit. What I really want to do is sort out the good from the bad, and keep the good, because there really was a lot of it at first, and that is what I want to carry with me. While I don't want to be unrealistic and live in a "fantacy world", not acknowleging that things weren't always peachy, I would rather put those things behind me. There were some things that happened and did not happen that I can't seem to understand or accept, so I need to let them go. Things DID end on a good note, at least I think they did, and I guess if the feeling wasn't shared than it is no longer my concern. Again, I just need to let it go and move on. I need to remember the good times, the people who came into my life, the contacts I made, and the lessons I learned. Oh, how I met some wonderful people! And I had some good times! I saw some of the most beautiful places, I could never have even imagined. Most of all, I was reminded of God's infinate power and that nothing is too big for Him to do and give. I know now, in Him, I am loved, chosen, and purposeful!

Current mood: hopeful
Current music: Howie Day
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Saturday, April 30, 2005


This has been, by far, one of the most lesson-filled experiences of my life. And let me just say that most of these lessons have been more hard to learn than easy. Loneliness...comes in at a very close second to guilt, when it comes to the worst feeling in the world, that is. I just pray that I never have the power to keep someone from feeling like this, and fail to use it. I must say, however, that I know God never teaches us a powerful lesson without a purpose. He always knows when we need a reminder or a kick in the pants. And He really let me shine for awhile there. Not too many posts ago, I was rather on top of the world. I really was, and I know I'll be again. I felt that way because I was basking in God's power, in His love for me. Now I'm just basking in desire to get back home where I belong. Not just home as in CO, but home as in Chicago, the first place I knew I belonged, and accepted myself in my own skin. If that's not home, I don't know what is. Home is also where you feel needed. Where someone, somewhere wants your company. Where you can frump around, go to the bathroom and not be embarrased, not have to bargan for attention. You don't have to ask to be needed or present at home. You just are.

Oh boy, the pre-sem guys are singing "How Great Thou Art" again...I can hear them out my window...they do that when they have a little too much fun...I have to say that I will miss them. It's just so humorous that it's never , ever a different's just "HGTA".

I shouldn't post when I'm irritable. I just feel hurt, and I need to vent...poor mom...she didn't hear from me as much when I lived with her as she has in the last two months. I called her the other night sobbing, and she had a house full of ladies from her sorority. So in short, she felt bad she had to let me go when I was upset, and I successfully made an ass out of myself in front of women I've known since I was a little kid.

I feel myself becoming more and more jaded everyday. I mean, I felt let down today, as I have many times before, but this time, I can't even say it really stung. It was just...normal. I wasn't even surprised. I really just don't f-ing matter. If I packed my shit right now and flew home...? Oh, that's right, I have a terrible never know when I'm going to fly off the handle. I guess that would have to be what happened then, eh? I wasn't hurt or let down by anything anyone else has's just that I'M so sensitive and unable to see what's REALLY going on. I think I am going to change my name to Violet. Violet from The Incredibles. She is also invisible.
Okay, I'm done. Must go.

Current mood: Jaded
Current music: Damien Rice
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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

2:49PM - Who'd of known?

Why are you quiet?
I have nothing to say
I don't know you

Fake smiles make me sick
Laughing when nothing is funny
This mask was put away
Maybe I'd just lost it

My eyes sting
Anger leaves my ears
Blood through my nose
My heart beats outloud

Another shower
I know why you can't see me
I'm safe


Water rains down my back
Tears against my face
I AM quiet

How can you take this away?
Don't you see this is my life?
My life
My family

If only for a season
It was you
It was them
Now it's you and them

Why are you quiet?
You have nothing to say
You don't know me
That's just the way it's going to be



Current mood: embarrassed
Current music: I'm with you~Avril Lavigne
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Thursday, April 7, 2005

1:21PM - If I only had a....

It's amazing how every new journey we take in life points to a new realization about the world, and even more so, ourselves. My newest realization...I crave courage. I've always longed to be more brave, more outgoing, and certainly, more spontainious. Some people are born with it...not so much the case with me. Anyhow, I went to the beach the other day with Laura and Andrea. I was down by the water, of course only allowing myself to go deep enough inward so that I could fight the force of the waves, and I was watching two little girls play. Listening to their conversation brought me back to my own childhood, as one of them was resistant to go in the water with the other. I was the resistant one. "Don't be afraid, you're not going to get hurt". Those were the same words spoken to me often, the words I wish I had listened to more. But I didn't have the courage to trust them, and neither did the scared little girl. She waddled back up to the beach, back to safety. For the first time, I didn't want to go with her. I wanted to jump in even further and let the waves knock me down. I wanted to taste the horrifically sickening salt water as it filled my mouth and made me gag. Maybe not. But I want to feel the freedom of the courage God allows us to indulge in, if only we are willing to trust Him. And I will.

The current is strong from what I've heard
It'll wisk you down the stream
But I never seem to have the time
So my toes just touch the water

Daydreamed on the bank again
I was swimming with the fish
And I thought this time that it may be true
But my toes just touch the water
My toes just touch the water

Walked a mile just to find the edge
Someplace low enough to step right in
Now I'm here and I can't begin to move

Spoiled sun up over me
It always has to have its way
And I know that the River's here to shelter me
But my toes just touch the water
My toes just touch the water
My toes just touch the water
~Nora Jones

Current mood: determined
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Tuesday, March 8, 2005


Upon changing all the she's to he's, in my case, this makes so much sense...

Miracle~Vertical Horizon

It's taken much too long
To get it right
Would it be so wrong
To maybe find someone
A miracle

And all you really need
Is everything you could never be
And so you'd give it all
For a miracle

Is there a trace
Inside her (his) face
Of a lonely miracle
And so you wait
And lie awake
For a lonely miracle

You never really know
What it is
Not until it goes
And if it comes again
It's a miracle

But what you miss is love
In everything below and up above
And could she (he) bring it all
A miracle


All you wanted was a (miracle)
All you needed was a miracle
A miracle
And all you wanted was a (miracle)
All you needed was a miracle
A miracle

It's taken so long to get it right
Could it be so wrong
To maybe find someone
A miracle

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Monday, March 7, 2005

8:07PM - Denied Requests Create Abundant Blessings

What a week. What a month. I just got finished with Spring Break here in Cali. I decided it was silly to go home to Colorado this year, considering how I do live in California, and people generally come here for break rather than leave it. I went home with Laura to Costa Mesa, and then we spent the weekend in San Diego. It was nice to sleep in a bed that didn't creak, and also great to shower without tripping over a billion shampoo bottles on the floor. And as for San Diego...great place. It's so beautiful there, for more than one reason. Man, how blessed am I? I have an amazing roomate who lets me spend her break with her. I get to see the beautiful world that God created. I get to be happy.

I spent an hour talking to God the other night. I wish I did that every night. I should because I can't sleep. I'm scared all the time. I'm just scared. But God is truely my Counselor, and He is also my Father. And let me just say that sometimes, fathers say no to our requests, and I don't like it anymore when God says no to me than I do when my dad says no. I rarely ever thought that my dad's judgement was worth accepting, given the circumstances of our relationship, but with God, it's just the opposite. When He has plans for me, which almost always oppose my own, I know He's right, and I strive to accept them. I often times pray for God to let me know His will for me, but my greater prayer is that He would grant me the strength to accept what He does tell me. I want so many things, and sometimes I think I have it all figured out. My head is held high...high in the clouds. But then returns reality, and I am asked to forgo what I thought I wanted so much, and accept another plot. Now, as a human, as a sinner, I want to misbehave and break the rules, because I want to follow my own rules. But I don't have make my own rules, and I don't have to fail, because my amazing Father gives me guidence. Even though that guidence so often leaves me walking away from my own thoughts and ideas, it also leads me into an abundance of blessings that are bigger than the stretch of my imagination.

So thank you, my good and gracious Father!

Current mood: hungry
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Thursday, February 10, 2005


Home alone...I'm quite bored. I got back a little while ago from Laura's house. She had to go home so she could go to the doctor and see if the pain in her side is her appendix. That will suck if she is gone for a week recovering from surgery, *stucks lip out*. We are supposed to go down to San Diego Sunday, which I am really looking forward to. We're going to the other Laura's house and Andrea's coming to. I haven't been down there since I was seven, so it will be like going for the first time.

I had three tests today...except I only took two of them. It pretty much sucked, but I got out of taking the third bc I went with Laura. The best part about today is that I didn't have to work. I like my job and all, but I still enjoy having one day a week where I don't have to stop in there. What I really need to be doing is working on the mounds of homework I can literally see building up.

Last night Jessica and I had a study session in preperation for our Human Sexuality was a good time...*nods, lifting eyebrows*. Then afterwards, Laura and I went to Starbucks, where she informed me that they have chocolate milk with whipped cream on top. Now, why she withheld such vital information about the availability of such a tasty/cheap drink for so long, I don't know. But nevertheless, I enjoyed! And the other Laura found out today that she landed a job there, which hopefully means even more frequent trips there in the near future.

Now, one pathetic thing before I go. I rented Mommy Dearest the other day. I wasn't all that shocked. I have always been curious about that movie, because people raved that the mother was so appaulingly psychotic. She was, but I guess I've read or seen worse things. But I'm still glad I got to finally see it and make my own judgement on it.

Oh, and just for the record, the One Tree Hill Soundtrack rocks my world right now!

Current mood: bored
Current music: Everybody's Changing~Keane
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Thursday, February 3, 2005


So...I went shopping the other first Cali grocery store experience. And what did I learn? Things cost bank here! I have never seen a can of store-brand green beans cost a buck. Back home, we only pay like .$46, and that's the way it should be. As I walked down the other isles, I found that every flippin' thing in the store cost more than at home or in Chigago, and by a lot. So silly. Anyway, to make a long story short, I called my mom and complained, and I think I got hooked up with a care package, *big smile*.

This week I was lucky to get enough time to contact a good deal of my friends and see how they were doing. One thing that is important to me is that the people in my life understand how much they mean. I think it's the simple things that can remind a person of that, therefore, I am going to make every effort to make sure that they don't feel blown off. That's an awful feeling. I think at times we all forget that each person in our lives brings us something special and unique. I don't want my precious schedule to ever be priority over my family or my friends, like I have let it be in the past. I must add though, in all honesty, that I have been pondering how much one should keep reaching out to people who don't seem to reach back. I feel like in the past, I have let go of certain friendships because I felt discouraged. I felt like I was waisting my time, and theirs for that matter, trying to hang on to something that didn't hold the same meaning anymore. So, when do you reach the point where you just realize that you aren't as important to someone as they are to you, and that's the way it's going to be? And when you come to that realization, how do you handle it? To me, it seems rather selfish to ask to be given what you give. Afterall, is that how Christ taught us to love? No. Christ taught us to have patience, compassion, and grace. He taught us to humble ourselves. And futhermore, I can't stand the idea of giving up on something so important. I don't want to give up on my family. I don't want to give up on my friends. Most importantly, I don't want to give up on myself again. I just want to be on the same page like we were before, and I don't, DON'T want to be hurtful with my frustration. That solves nothing, and only causes regret. But hey, that's why I started writting in here again. You can't hurt a machine.

I just want to add that I have been feeling very close to God, and I don't want that to go away either. So I have started a habit of reading my Bible every moring over breakfast. It's so important to be in the Word, because it offers so much guidence and reassurance. Oh, and speaking of the roomie went out on a date with a Mormon the other night. He basically told her (a Catholic) that he didnt seriously date anyone outside of his religion. However, they went through with the date, and guess what he gave her as a gift? Come on...think outside the box...THE BOOK OF MORMAN! To say the least, she wasn't impressed, but nevertheless, it was quite entertaining to the rest of us. I'm actually interested in reading it. Not because I intend, in any way, to adopt its concepts, but I just want to know what they believe. I mean, there are a lot of Mormans out there, and I should know what they practice. I know where I stand. Hmmm...I don't know, though...maybe I would just make fun of it. Probably.

Current mood: contemplative
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Thursday, January 27, 2005

7:31PM - My Cup Overflows

I haven't written in this for ages. I was just thinking today that I should start writting in a journal again, seeing as how so much is happening lately. I really should have some record of it for memory's sake. So, here I am. I just want to say that God is wonderful beyond description. I really thought that He had given me all there was to give, that I had it all. But He had only shown me a preview. Now God has shown me that His grace and love are truely immeasurable. I'm happy...for the first time, maybe ever, I am honestly happy. Last semester was great. I just can't believe that was only the beginning. When I left CURF before Christmas break, I left thinking that my cup was full to the brim of blessings. Now, however, I just want to say that I know what it means to have your cup overflow with joy.

Now for the details on this most recent blessing. It is beautiful here! The sun shines, it's green, and mountains/hills surround the campus in the distance. The campus itself is up on a hill. We're only about 5 minutes from the ocean (which I've had the pleasure of visiting a couple times already)! The dorms here rock. I live in an appartment with three great girls. Do you know how bad I needed the experience of good roomates? Really bad. And now I have thatx3! The appartment consists of two bedrooms (two girls to a room), a living area, kitchen, and bathroom. I have to say that I was a little sad at first that there wouldn't be floor community because we don't live inside halls or clusters, but that turned out to be okay because everyone just comes out of their appartments and hangs outside, which is kind-of better. Which brings me to the point that It is wonderfully warm here. It's chilly at night, so I get to wear my hoodies that I love so much. But for the most part, you can hang outside whenever you want. Another interesting fact is that the dorms are co-ed. There is a room of four guys right next door. One of them plays the guitar really well. I love to just sit there and listen to him play since we can hear it in our appartment since he is right next to us. It sounds like he writes his own stuff too. I must say that the icing on the cake is that my roomie roomate loves to go out and about, and she lives close by, so she has introduced me to some new people and places. Best of all...she loves Starbucks! Yay! We probably go there too much, but that's okay.

I got a job too! In the mailroom, making pretty good money. CUI requires you to have workstudy in order to have a campus job, and luckily, I do. I like working there. My boss and fellow staff are really fun. The food is better here too, just for the record. No scary married guys hitting on you, no getting ripped off, or yelled at for getting your food to go w/o a "valid" excuse. It's just pretty damn good here all the way around!

Current mood: jubilant
Current music: Walk With Me~Caedmon's Call
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Tuesday, September 14, 2004

9:11PM - Mysterious ways, indeed...

I've really been ignoring this thing lately...too much to say and not enough time, I guess. Well, my mom had surgery today. They had to do plastic surgery again to fix another pressure wound...I won't give details unless you are particularly interested. However, I will share the big news. When the doctor was doing the surgery, he found, inside mom, 5 feet of medical packing material (gaws)! The &*(^%%^& who did her surgery for the same thing two years ago, apparently didn't remember to take that out. How can you not see 5 feet of gaws inside someone!?!?! Well, I'm actually not surprised. He was, for lack of better terms, an arrogant son-of-a-bitch. I'm so glad that they found that. Hopefully it will account for the many fevers and infections my mom had to endure over the past couple years. And above all, I am so thankful to God, because once again, He knew something we couldn't, and used His own ways to make things right. We were all so angry, particularly me, about her having to endure another surgery. I admit that I was mad at God. But after today, I know that this surgery was nothing short of a blessing, for if mom wouldn't have had this surgery, who knows if they ever would have known that she, literally, had a foreign flippin' object inside her.

Everything else is going good. I've been spending a lot of time with Chrissi, which has been a very positive and uplifting experience. I really need her friendship, and she among others, is another wonderful blessing in my life.

Current mood: surprised
Current music: Vertical Horizon
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Friday, August 13, 2004

8:57PM - Trials and Tribulations...

This has been a very busy's fair time! Wooo Whooo! Not really. I have, however, had the opportunity to help out my DCE and do some fieldwork because we have a booth there. We sell snow cones, which is a great fundraiser, and that takes a lot of preperation, so...
I also got to spend some time with Andrea, which is always so uplifting. It's nice to walk around and talk to people, seeing what everyone is up to. You also get to see which couples are still together, who got knocked up, etc. Okay, that was really mean...

On a less sunny note, I got in a tiff with mom last night (surprise. surprise), which of course resulted in nothing but hurt feelings. Then, I found out that someone I care about tried to commit suicide, again, and I don't know how to help him. His mom asked me to talk to him, which is how I found out he wasn't doing too good in the first place. Unfortunately, I don't think my attempt to reach out resulted in anything but awkwardness for both of us. I saw him last night, and he had huge cut marks all up and down his arms. I can't stop thinking about that...I mean, what can you say...what can you do? My only thought is that he most likely must have a shred of will to live if he is letting people see his cuts. If he didn't want to talk about it, why didn't he cover them up? It's like he is screaming, "Help me!" He just needs prayers, prayers like never before.

But now I must go to buy some of the things we need for our family thing tomorrow. It's kind of tradition for us all to get together and watch the fair parade together, then go have a picnic or something afterwards, so that is what we shall do.

Current mood: worried
Current music: Everybody Hurts by REM
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Saturday, August 7, 2004

1:48PM - I stole this from Chrissy, because...that's right...I'm bored

1. Kissed your cousin: no-Sirry Bob.
2. Ran away: When I was my grandparents' house...of coarse I needed a ride, though.
3. Pictured your crush naked: Let's be serious, who hasn't?
4. skipped school: In highschool a lot...not so much at CURF, but sometimes
5. Broken someone's heart: I think so, unfortunately.
6. Been in love: Love? I try to be careful how I use that word. I don't think so.
7. Cried when someone died: Yes
8. Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: of course
9. Broken a bone: yes, my leg
10. Done something embarrassing: uncountable times
11. Done a drug: Nope
12. Cried in school: yes
13. Coke or Pepsi: Diet Pepsi, Regular Coke
14. Sprite or 7UP: 7UP
15. Girls or Guys: Girls for close friends, guys for dating (or friendship)
16. Flowers or Candy: Either one is sweet
17. Scruff or Clean shaved: oh, clean all the way
18. Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes probably
19. Bitchy or Slutty: neither...I hope
20. Tall or Short: Average...hopefully taller than me, but not too tall.
21. Pants or Shorts:pants
22. Night or Day: dusk, when it starts to turn into night
23. What do you notice first: the character and the eyes
24. Last person you slow danced with: I want to say some of my friends at prom
25. Worst Question To Ask: ARE YOU OKAY? Immediately after you see someone get hurt...the answer is obvious and it's annoying to the person in pain.
26. Showered: this morning.
27. Stepped outside: about 1/2 an hour ago to get something out of my vehicle.
29. Romantic memory: I guess my last date. It's been awhile.
30. Your Good Luck Charm: God.
31. Person You Hate Most: Satan.
32. Best Thing That Has Happened: Dropping Catholisism, joining a different church, and building a relationship with Christ, which ended up turning my whole life around.
33. On your desk: too much crap
34. Picture on your desktop: well, this is my parent's computer, so they have a picture of me, my sister, and the dog, laying on my bed. My computer has one of the stupid default pictures.
35. Color: dark blue, dark green, dark that order
36. Movie: ugh...I have so many...I'd have to say Major Payne is up there pretty far on the list
37. Artist: Kandinski
38. Cars: I love vintage cars...I really like my new Explorer...but I will never, never love a car as much as I loved my Duster!
39. Ice Cream: Cookie Dough Blizard from Dairy Queen, or Peanut Butter cup from Peterson's.
40. Season: autumn!
41. Breakfast Food: If I am awake in time, anything will do...Grandpa usually leaves me something for when I wake up. Isn't that sweet?
42. Makes you laugh the most: Teenage boys...especially my friend Bailey's brother. Such purverse senses of humor.
43. Makes you smile: my dog
44. Can make you feel better no matter what: Again, my dog...grandma, usually mom, and most of my friends.
45. Has A Crush On You: MUHAHAHAHAHA
46. Do You Have A Crush On Someone: I try to avoid that situation, these days.
47. Who Has it easier? ?? No one comes to mind
48. Gives you A Funny Feeling When You See Them: Old men who still live with their parents.
49. Sit by the phone waiting for a phone call all night: no. that's dumb/sad.
50. Save AIM conversations: on occassion
51. Save E-mails: If they are important or from someone special.
52. Forward secret E-mails: I try not to forward anything, too often.
53. Wish you were someone else: No one inparticular, I just want to be a better me.
54. Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: Um, not really, no.
55. Wear perfume: yes, Adidas for Women
56. Kiss: yeah
57. Cuddle: does holding hands count?
58. Go online for longer than eight hours at a time: sure i do, when i'm on it 24/7 at school.
59. Fallen for your best friend?: no
60. Made out with JUST a friend?: nope
61. Kissed two people in the same day?: nope
62. Had sex with two different people in the same day?: no
63. Been rejected: yep
64. Been in love?: no.
65. Been in lust?: sure
66. Used someone?: no
67. Been used?: To an extent.
68. Cheated on someone?: No way, Jose!
69. Been cheated on?: nope
70. Been kissed?: I have, but I thought we already went over this.
71. Done something you regret? oh yeah
72. You touched?: my mom
73. You talked to?: Grandma
74. You hugged?: Mom or Kelsee
75. You instant messaged?: Chrissy
76. You kissed?: well, in a friendly manner, my a romantic sense, Erik...but that was back in HS.
77. You yelled at?: mom
78. You thought about?: myself, probably
79. Who text messaged you?: nobody
80. Who broke your heart?: Um...let's go with Erik.
81. Who told you they loved you?: mom
82. Color your hair? I do it a lot...but havent yet this year.
83. Have tattoos?: nope
84. Have piercings?: just the ear lobes and one in the upper ear...I cant wear my earings though, because my body heals so fast that as soon as I take them out, the holes close. *snif*
85. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: no, i don't.
86. Own a webcam?: Negative
87. Own a thong?: LOL!!!!!!!
88. Ever get off the damn computer?: Yes when I am here, no when I'm at school.
89. Sprechen Sie Deutsch?: um, please and thank you...but I'm not even going to attempt to type that out in correct spelling.
90. Habla espanol?: A little, basic communication
91. Quack?: I do my little duck noise
92. Stolen anything?: yes
93. Smoke?: no
94. Schizophrenic?: which one of us?
95. Obsessive?: yeah, with some things
96. Compulsive?: I can be
97. Obsessive compulsive?: Not in a sick way, but I can't say no.
98. Panic?: on occation
99. Anxiety?: yes...more in some situations/places than others.
100. Depressed?: LALALALALALALALALA!!!!!

And that's the end of that...feel free to do it too.

Current mood: chipper
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Friday, July 30, 2004

9:43PM - A man named Keith...

I'm back from Florida. Yesterday, I went to see Keith Urban in concert in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Let me just say that it rocked my world. Now, I must say that there is a rather limited selection of the country music genre in which I consider to me art. However, that man can perform like no one I have ever seen in my life. He is an incredible musician, who happens to love God, which is also really cool. He even held prayer during the concert, which you don't see very often at all, at least not from secular artists.

Last weekend I went to Florida, and that was also great. I got to surprise Bailey, like I planned. The wedding was cute and we had a lot of fun hanging out the rest of the weekend. We went to the ocean a couple times, and we ate at the ever-famous Joe's Crab Shack. The real Joe's, which was right on the coast. Mmmm, mmmm. However, the best part was when I got the news that my mom was not going to have to stay in the hospital. That really bumped me up a few notches after last week. She's still going to have to have surgery, but she can have it later in the year, and can probably have it here in town, so she can recover at home, or at least close by. Mom also found out that she may be able to have another surgery, which could give her back some movement in her right hand. Both of her hands are paralyzed, but she can open and close her left hand, and with this surgery, she may be able to do the same with her right. It is amazing how much that little bit of extra mobility would help her, so I hope that happens eventually. And that's about it for news...

Wait a minute...something is missing...I forgot to bitch about something!?! Oh well, just this once.

Current mood: content
Current music: Somebody Like You by Keith Urban
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Sunday, July 18, 2004


I can't even choose a word to describe how awful this past week has been. Everything that could have come up, did. First, let's start with the more positive things. My dad called on Tuesday and told me that he found me a deal on a new vehicle. So now, I have a different (very nice I must admit) rig, and have to say good-bye to my faithful Duster. I am ever-so-sad to let her go, but of coarse grateful for an upgrade. Then, I found out that my best friend is getting married this weekend, and I was the only one who wasn't going to be able to go, as the wedding is in Florida. That made me feel like the biggest piece of shit friend ever, so after many hours of searching on the internet, I was lucky enough to find a ticket cheap enough to get down there. So, that will be my amazing adventure for the weekend. I hope to God that making that investment wasn't a mistake, but I felt like I needed to be there for her, despite the fact that I will live in poverty for the rest of the summer. Now, we must skip ahead to the hell that awaited shortly after....

My mom is in the hospital again. We made a whole year without another "incident", but I guess that wasn't long enough. She has another pressure wound, and may face surgery to correct it, which will put her in a rehab center for the rest of the summer. Here she is, about to move into her new beautiful home (which is still not done), and she gets this dumped on her. So today, I had to say good-bye to her, knowing that she may or may not be returning home at the end of the week, when they are done evaluating her. Now, I must admit, I have experienced an abundance of anger toward God and whoever else is around to be angry at, this week. I feel so helpless and sad. I am so tired of watching my family, and our lives at large, be drastically altered at the drop of a hat. I mean, this shit just happened this fucking week! But then again, the last few weeks have been hell too. We are all yelling at each other and using cruelty as our only defense. I just don't know if I can take this anymore...I am running out of hope, and nothing is looking up. I hate thinking like this, but seriously, I don't want to live like this. I would rather be dead than watch this happen to our lives. I know that sounds selfish, but then again, I think if something could just happen to me for once, then maybe God or Satan, or whoever is doing this, will leave my mom the fuck alone. I'm just...about at the end of my rope. And what the fuck can I do about it?

Current mood: Helpless as hell
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Sunday, July 11, 2004


I just want to say that this morning and last night were nice. Last night I got to visit Carmen and Lisa and spend some time catching up with them. This morning I went to church and sat next to an old friend I haven't talked to in awhile. We are going to do something together soon, so I am excited. Then when I was leaving, I got invited to go out to lunch with another friend and her boyfriend. I also found out that I may be able to go to Bailey's wedding after all, if finances permit...pftt. We will see about that. The icing on the cake, however, was when mom said that they want to get us moved into the new house by the end of the month. YAY! That definately makes my heart smile.

Current mood: chipper
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Thursday, July 8, 2004

7:01PM - Schizo!

Wow...looking back on these journal entries and the mood icons that go with them, one might very well think that I am a schizophrenic. By the way I seem to switch gears, I My appologies.

Current mood: amused
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I really need to start writing again...I miss it. I guess I can start with this.

I'm back from Chicago...huh. I had such a great time, though. We did a lot of really cool things and it was great bonding more with Brian, Sarah, and Chrissy. Now I am home, and am no longer employed. I should have known that having a good job which I liked and actually allowed me to save money, was too good to be true. The highlight of my day, however, was that I got to go to my Bible study and do some fieldwork at the church. I know that I go up and down about my feelings toward my future in ministry, but I love the way I feel about it when I am there helping Jennifer. She is so affirming and I think she kind of sees that I need an emotional boost when it comes to my ability to do church work. I actually feel a shed of hope for me yet, which is why I like to go over there. My Bible study is great's on being a Proverbs 31 woman. I was so glad when a friend from church who was leading it, mentioned it to me and gave me the opportunity to join. It is such a good time for spiritual nurture and fellowship, which is something I really need consistantly. I'm just so glad to be given so much grace from God, as wellas a daily opportunity to come back to Him, after turning from Him. God is so why do I keep forgetting Him? Hmmm....

Anyhow, I must be going...Andrea and I are going out tonight...not sure what we will do. But the cool thing about hanging out with Andrea is that we always manage to do something really fun and random, which makes for an interesting friendship. I will say one thing...I have been blessed with some incredible friends, and I am grateful for that. *Big smile*

Current mood: calm
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Friday, June 25, 2004

7:43PM - ...nothing more, nothing less

Can I just say that this week has royally sucked. Cause it really has. Monday was my birthday, and then it was all down-hill from there. Wednesday I worked my ass off, and ended up calling Carmen to come help me, because everyone and their mother decided to come eat dinner at RKJ's that night. Thursday I accomplished absolutely nothing. Then today, I had to go to the doctor (always great fun), my car died on me, and once again, I accomplished nothing. I hate weeks like this because all I want to do is sleep and be by myself. Then I'm crabby to everyone, which is totally unfair to them. Now, if that is not enough, everyone else in my family is in an equally shitty mood, because they are sick of this f-ing appartment. This place is always just a mess of crap, there is no place for anything, and there are samples of things for the house (flooring, paint colors, countertops, siding, etc.) everywhere. Furthermore, my sister is one of the most manipulative, lazy people I have ever encountered in my entire life. She is so useless, it's rediculous. She sits on her ass all day in front of the TV, and refuses to do anything, for anyone. My mom really needs some help from her to get things packed in the appartment for moving, and she won't don't do it. She always claims that she is "sick" when we need her. Hell, she won't even help my mom with the laundry or anything unless my mom begs her and basically barters with her, so she gets something out of it. I'm sorry, but that is rediculous. Kelsee is 10 years old. My mom is the parent and there should be no if, ands, or buts about it if she is asked to do something. Grrr...

I will say, however, that last Saturday was very nice. Me, mom, and Mike went up to Ft. Collins for my birthday/Father's Day. We went shopping and then we went out to Hibachi's for dinner. It is a really cool Japenise restaraunt where the table is a cooking station and a professional chef cooks the food in front of you. They are really fun and they kind of do a show with tricks and everything while they are cooking. Then, when you are done, they make you try to catch a piece of food in your mouth while they fling it at you with their spatula. My parents really liked it, so I was happy. It was so great spending the day with just the two of them...I loved it because it reminded me of the good old days when we were actually a family. A family with unconditional love and respect for one another.

But that day passed...and once again, feel like the crumbiest friend, daughter, sister, and overall human being. Seriously, I can be a worthless piece of shit sometimes, and that is what I have been this week...nothing more, nothing less.

Current mood: lonely
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Tuesday, June 15, 2004

7:16PM - It's Annoying...

I find it very interesting that my mother has such an interest in this journal of mine. I just had the third confrontation with her about why she isn't allowed to read this. It's not like I really have anything to hide in here...obviously, if I'm posting it online...but ya know, I do bitch about my family in here cause I can, and I don't care to have her reading it. I can just see it now..."What is that suppossed to mean" or, "I don't understand why you feel that way". Anyway, it's annoying. You know what else is annoying? Buying a plane ticket online. I must say, however, that I found an incredible deal. $181.00 round-trip, non-stop. Now granted it is a swamp jumper plane, it don't get much better than that. And who cares about names anyway? Not me, as long as it gets me from point A to point B in one piece. I am so excited to go to Chicago...I swear, as long as you dont mind riding in a more ghetto style plane, it is best to wait till about 2-3 weeks before flight for the best deals.

I hate tornados! The wheather here is so, so annoying. Every flippin' night of the week, we have either a t-storm warning or a tornado watch or warning. Then everyone here gets all wound up and is affraid for me to go anywhere cause they are so sure that I will never return. Actually, we had a hell of a storm last week. We had a tornado and it tore stuff up pretty good in some parts of town. And of course, of course, it decided to make it's appearence right as I was getting off of work. Trying to drive my little car home in that wind was...shitty...God and I bonded a lot. Heh, we bond a lot while I am driving.

This afternoon I did some fieldwork...that was fun. I sent out a bunch of post cards and did some odds and ends for Jennifer that she needed done before her trip tomorrow. Then I came home. And that's about it.

Current mood: Fine
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