iwantketamine.

I want him to want to do things with me.

He almost didn't come to my sister's wedding with me because he had drugs to sell. He'd been promising me since May that he'd come.

We were going to Florida Columbus day weekend to see the Mercury Program, but since they have a new record label they're going to be touring nearer to us. I asked him to come back home with me that weekend then instead, but no. He's going to stay behind and sell drugs and try to get schoolwork done.

He's not going to get school work done.

A couple friends and I tripped last night. Because Raj wanted me to wait for him,I ended up dropping an hour after everyone, but had done K beforehand.

The K really fucked me up and I felt sick the whole acid trip. I slept pretty much all day today because I haven't felt good. I feel like i have acid running all through my blood stream and my chest. My heart won't stop pounding. I feel like it's going to break through my rib cage. I feel completely delirious.

And he's mad at me because I'm sick. Yes, it's my fault I'm sick. I shouldn't have taken K and acid last night. But he doesn't have to be mad at me for wanting to sleep. I feel like he's annoyed.

Idk. Maybe he's tired too. He told me he wants to come by later tonight but I just might not answer the phone because I don't want to have to deal with his shit about "what the fuck is wrong with you, why are being like this" etc etc.

I don't know but I'm mad at him.

"I'm hungry," Will said.

"Me too," said Lyra, though she was also feeling more than that, something subdued and pressing and half-happy and half-painful, so she wasn't quite sure what it was.

They unfolded the cloth and ate some bread and cheese. For some reason their hands were slow and clumsy, and they hardy tasted the food, although the bread was floury and crisp from the hot baking-stones, and the cheese was flaky and salty and very fresh.

Then Lyra took one of those little red fruits. With a fast-beating heart, she turned to him and said "Will..." And she lifted the fruit gently to his mouth.

She could see from his eyes that he knew at once what she meant, and that he was too joyful to speak. Her fingers were still at his lips, and he felt them tremble, and he put his own hand up to hold hers there, and neither of them could look; they were confused; they were brimming with happiness.

Like two moths clumsily bumping together, with no more weight than that, their lips touched. Then before they knew how it happened, they were clinging together, blindly pressing their faces toward each other.

I had to write this for my Intimate Relationships class.
It's kind of just Isis's album Oceanic in story form.

( the other )

So I guess just a bit of what's been going on.

Started classes on Tuesday. Mostly just going over the syllabus, repetitive statements from every single professor of what's going down this semester in classes, what's expected of us, blah blah blah your mom. My classes actually seem pretty interesting, once you get passed all the awkward introductions. Here's kind of a brief overview:
Logic and Critical Reasoning: This class seems like it will be fun, but I almost feel like it's going to be too easy. I've read some of the books we've been given and it's all really interesting, but I want challenge. Maybe it will get better as the year goes on.

Painting: Speaking of challenge, my art class this semester is definitely going to be that. I'm so excited. Amanda and I are going to buy white sheets and paint them/tie-dye them and hang them up in the suite.

Moral Reasoning: I have yet to take this class. I only had it on Wednesday, and the professor was sick so he went over the syllabus and then dismissed us with an assignment to read Plato's Apology. Again, doesn't look like so much of a challenging class.

Intimate Relationships: This class is going to be really interesting. We took this test at the beginning of the first class. It was a series of multiple choice questions, and you had to answer as a male or female. At the end of the test, we tallied up our scores. Everyone who got over 163 pts was said to have really great luck with relationships, 143-162 is okay luck, and below 142 was awful. Everyone in the class (over 100 of us) got below a 142. We asked the professor why, and he told us the test was made in 1939.

Also speaking of challenge, I bought a 40 bag of K.
I suck.

Poem I wrote to Raj:

I do fucked up things, I'm a fucked up human being.
Gotta keep my heart from singing, gotta keep the world from seeing.
I'm a hopeless mess, filled with stress,
Gotta world that's been by number painted, no one bought it so I guess I'm jaded.
You've got allure, of that there's no doubt, but it's not the first time I've wanted out.
This is my mistake, no one could match your make
And I'd be lying hard core, to say I wasn't dying to be yours.
But I'm living out a curse, I've taken a turn for the worse.
I don't know why I push people away, and it hurts so much to say
I want a clean goodbye from you, But I know I've gotta think all this through.
Three men in my life have wanted me for a wife.
I can't be convinced any of it's real, and trust me, I yearn so much to heal.
But I think I've gone too far down, my heart pounds in my ears as I start to drown.
I think I want to be saved, but I'm not too sure of anything these days.
Believe me and know what I say is true, my heart starts to hurt when I think of leaving you.
I'm just a confused little girl, living in my own fucked up world,
Re-living every day 4 years of hurt, of yearning for that same love that made me about to burst.
But my heart is tired now, I have yet to let myself recover from the blow
Of a true love who's true love wasn't me, of our baby whose green eyes I long to see.
I sewed up my heart, just in time for the stitches to be torn apart
By someone I trusted, and now again I have to be re-adjusted.
I've fallen in love too many times to count, not with the man but the potential that to which he could amount.
A victim of my optimism, I've given up on what you'd call this Great Love Schism.
I've mastered the art, of dealing with and slipping away without falling apart.
I know I'm not perfect, but with patience I promise I'm worth it.
My life is a movie minus the bad parts, fast-forward and rewind to skip everything that hurts.
I've got some good intentions that can be seen in you, but for now the only colour i see is my own dark blue.

Sent Ben a text asking him what was going on tonight and if he was with Ange & Shan, because neither of them were answering their phones.

He texts back with "Drunk", and then immediately after, Josh texts me and says "Me and Ben are together at kampersville, no twins."

It made me laugh. I wonder if he was mad I sent Ben a text and not him. He wanted me to stay with him tonight. Yeah fucking right. I refuse. He had all summer to see me. Just because I'm leaving on Monday, doesn't mean he gets to see me now after all this time.

Fucking dicks.

So Cindy didn't talk to me all day.

Coincidence?

Certainly not. Because unless my father told her everything, she has no reason to go from texting me non stop to not acknowledging my existence.

There is definitely something amiss, and I know that THEY know that I've caught them.

I hope this won't be like those TV shows though where she'll try to convince dad to murder me because I know too much. That would suck.

I found a poem that Cindy wrote to my father.

I confronted him today at work. he tried to deny it. But he knows I have him. I told him, "All my life, I've grown up with these stupid morals, in a stupid black and white world, where the black is really bad and the white is really good, and if i even put one toe into the black area I'd get into a ton of trouble. But now, I feel like throwing all of that out the window, because I found this last night. (thrust the poem at him). I don't know what's going on, but if you're seeing that whore, I'm ashamed to call you my father. And I suggest you get a lawyer, one that you haven't been screwing."

I walked out of the office. I could see it in his eyes.



I'm all alone. I'm sure that my mother is going to kill herself.

Everything is spiraling down. I need to escape. i need to find someone to make it all go away. I need a safe place.

I need to know what I can do to make everything better.

I don't want to go back to New York.

I'll miss the rodeos on Saturday nights, parties by the river, sitting on the hood of his car and watching the stars.

Trail riding, getting drunk, going to the beach. The hot weather that turns to ice when the sun sets. The green hills, the mountains that surround me like a mother's arms. Working at the florist, the cafe, the dress shop...taking care of my nieces and nephew. Making fun of the tourists. Andrew's arms. Josh's kisses. Setting my easel up outside on the days when it's too hot to do anything but paint.

I'm afraid if I leave, my mother will try to kill herself again. Dad will keep bringing home that stupid whore. That Tyler will get into trouble. I feel like I'm the only one that's even trying to hold this family together.

Part of me wants to leave so I can get away from all of that. All of the yelling. My mother curled up into a ball. But as soon as I go back to school, I will have new problems to deal with. Amanda's coke addiction, her love for Vinnie, her over-all dramatic and selfish existence. I'm sorry. That's mean. But I can't help it. No one wants to listen to me talk, but only for me to be there so they can complain.

I want to run away. I want to go to a place no one knows me. Somewhere I can walk with the confidence that I won't run in to Devon.


Josh is moving to Georgia I think.
Idk what I'll do if he does. I know I haven't seen him, and I barely talk to him, but just know that he's close makes me happy.
whatever. Maybe his moving will make me get over him.

I'm just exhausted. I can't take three jobs, taking care of my brother's kids, and all this emotional baggage that's being dumped on me. I want out.

Him: You're all confused and feeling dead and I don't know why. Our best memories are to be cherished. Do you think today we could maybe talk about the spectre of your past that's been driving your heart away from me?



I fail. The whole of the male gender would probably be greatly pleased if I stopped dating members of their species. I always do this.

I ordered 3 movies, Dark City, Eternal Sunshine, and The Orphanage.

They're all pretty incredible.

I'm only working for 3 hours today...i don't even see the point of going to work, but at least it's not a 12 hour day today. Niice.

I'm settling in for the long winter months with all of the friends I can handle, and we'll toast this death of summer months and summer warmth and summer love.

So hanging out with Mike went well. We got some drinks and went and sat by the river and just talked and caught up. Walked around downtown, and made fun of the tourists commenting on our "quaint local countryside shopps". Pretty funny.

Took my parents to dinner.

I wish I could write something interesting that happened today but it's been pretty dull. I'm watching this movie called Dark City. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's pretty incredible.

That's about it I guess. The excitement in my life has pretty much boiled down to shopping at Cosco's for school.

This is the first day it hasn't rained since sometime in July.

I'm going out with Mike tonight. I don't really want to. Not because I don't like him or anything...i'm just fucking exhausted. I just looked at my calender, and I haven't had a day off since Jul 27th, including Sundays. Meh. I'm making money at least, and it'll be going to a good cause.

I feel like I don't have the right to complain about working because I'm the one who chose to work so much. I did think I'd be having days off though, I guess. Idk.

Anyways maybe I'll tell him I'm busy tonight...because technically I am...and I can't hang out with him too too long.

Uggh I'm horrible. I want to see him but I'm soo tired.

Haven't talked to Josh since Thursday. I'm okay with that. Part of me wants him to text me, part of him doesn't. Idk what I'll do if he does.

I work, I puke, I bang my head a couple of times, I carry the weight of my parent's failing marriage on my back, I carry the weight of everyone else's problems, I dream about them, and am awoken from those dreams by screaming babies.

Andrea and Shannon ditched me tonight. We made plans yesterday to go out to the mill because no one cards me there if I wear a shirt that's cut low enough (shh) and because tonight is my last friday home. Next week I'll be in Massachusetts, and the week after that I'm going back to school. But they decided to go North instead with one of their other friends (who they see all the fucking time). And then Shannon calls me and says "Oh I feel bad, let's hang out tomorrow night."

Which I can't, because I have a date (ugh) and they know this already.

So I hung out with Andrew. We went to a movie and then to Denny's with my brother. I had fun, but I had been really looking forward to being with my two best friends, ya know?

I can't wait to go back to school. My only problem will be making time to see all my friends. That's a nice feeling. I've never had so many friends.

This is my Josh song:

"We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States this year.

On one side, you have a pants wearing woman lawyer, married to a lawyer who can't keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary that they still haven't paid for yet, against a lawyer who states he is 'black' when it is documented that he is only 12% 'black', who goes to the wrong church, who has stated that he wants his countrymen to learn to speak Spanish rather than English, who refuses to put his hand over his heart and say the pledge of allegiance or wear the flag of the country he wants to run, who can't remember if there are 50 or 57 states in his own country, who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What in Lord's name are ye lads thinking over there in the colonies?"

I thought the Twilight series was going to be a stupid knock-off of Anne Rice, but I have to say, sadly, it's a pretty good book. I was never really a fan of Harry Potter (books and movies) and Lord of the Rings wasn't all that great to me either. It's not like I didn't give them a chance...Harry Potter I read up until the 6th book, but I only remember up until the 4th book and I think I've seen the first and 5th movies...Lord of the Rings I read in 6th grade, maybe now that I'm older I should read them again. But the Twilight series was pretty good, I never really put it down, not even to go to the bathroom haha. But the awesome plot line doesn't make up for Stephanie Meyer's bad grammar, spelling, sentence structure, and repetitive statements. I say she needs a better editing crew.

I'm even pretty psyched for the movie to come out...normally, I refuse to see movies based on books, but I've seen a couple trailors for it and it seems that it's going to be pretty close to home. Unlike Ella Enchanted. That was horrible.

Everyone wants to be listened too, but no one wants to listen. I've been the listener countless times for my friends, and occasionally when I've had something wrong, they'll say "wanna talk?" and then dismiss whatever I have to say and think of something else they want to talk about.

I've given up talking to anyone. Except Ange and Shan, because they listen. And I listen to them. I guess two people should be enough, but when we're 400 miles apart it's hard to talk to them.

I'm feeling very...not myself. I'm very energetic, I love life and i embrace it whole heartedly. I've never been one to become emotionally attached to anyone or anything. But lately I just feel so blah and apathetic. I feel numb. I don't know why I feel this way. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but lately that's how I feel. I've always been impatient, but not in the way that made me angry towards people...just impulsive.

Idk. I hope I get out of this funk.