Date:	2003-12-05 14:23
Subject:	SNOW DAY!
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	A few

I was gonna miss school today anyway to rest up for the SATs. But the snow adds points. It's *beautiful* out. And I'm so happy. I'm singing. I'm about to burst from happiness!!!

I baked sugar cookies.

I just went outside. In my slippers. They got soaked, my feet got wet and cold. And I stopped before going inside to look up and let the snow just fall on my face. Life is good.

Hmm. The snow just suddenly stopped. Which inititally got me down for a second there. But it won't. Because it will start again, and stop again, but there will always be good things.

I LOVE YOU!

Date:	2003-11-30 10:07
Subject:	Break over
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed

And school tomorrow. Last day of T-day break :( It was fun. A combination of doing nothing, watching DVDs all day, eating, driving, beginning to look at colleges, and playing family games. It was a lot of fun. And today is all do the hw :( And bake for those people i hate. Poo.

Dissapointed that break's over. Happy it was fun.

Date:	2003-11-27 15:50
Subject:	T-Day
Security:	Public
Mood:	rejected

*¶*JETSED *¶*

I was wondering how long that was gonna take. I'm not surprised. Maybe a little hurt though. Just a little though.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Date:	2003-11-22 11:45
Subject:	Yay mucis!
Security:	Public
Mood:	bouncy
Music:	Butthole Surfers- Pepper

Guess who learned all the words! Yay! Hehe

marky got with Sharon
sharon got sherice
she was sharin' sharon's outlook
on the topic of disease
mikey had a facial scar
and bobby was a racist
they were all in love with dyin'
they were doing it in texas
tommy played piano like a kid out in the rain
then he lost his leg in dallas
he was dancing with a train
they were all in love with dyin'
they were drinking from a fountain
that was pouring like an avalanche
coming down the mountain

i don't mind the sun sometimes
the images it shows
i can taste you on my lips
and smell you in my clothes
cinnamon and sugary and softly spoken lies
you never know just how you look through other people's eyes

some will die in hot pursiuts
in fiery auto crashes
some will die in hot pursuits
while sifting through my ashes
some will fall in love with life
and drink it from a fountain
that is pouring like an avalanche
coming down the mountain

i don't mind the sun sometimes
the images it shows
i can taste you on my lips
and smell you in my clothes
cinnamon and sugary and softly spoken lies
you never know just how you look through other people's eyes

another mikey took a knife
while arguing in traffic
flipper died a natural death
he caught a nasty virus
then there was the ever-present
football player rapist
they were all in love with dyin'
they were doing in it texas
pauly caught a bullet
but it only hit his leg
well it should have been a better shot
and got him in the head
they were all in love with dyin'
they were drinking from a fountain
that was pouring like an avalanche
coming down the mountain

i don't mind the sun sometimes
the images it shows
i can taste you on my lips
and smell you in my clothes
cinnamon and sugary and softly spoken lies
you never know just how you look through other people's eyes

--butthole surfers, pepper

This might be from Chicken Soup, I dunno. I got it as an e-mail a while back. But I like it anyway.


"One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his
books. I thought to myself, 'Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd.' I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, 'Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.' He looked at me and said, 'Hey thanks!' There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my
friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, 'Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!' He just laughed and handed me half the books.

Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to think
about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak.

Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, 'Hey, big guy, you'll be great!' He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. 'Thanks,' he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began.

'Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.' I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. 'Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.' I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile."

There was more, but it sounded like the cheesy crap that people add to fwds, so I cut it there.

Date:	2003-11-12 14:49
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry

There's this teacher I had last year. There were things I'd ask her for (grades, other stuff...) and she'd refuse, and I'd respect her for that, because she was being fair. She even said something like "[Grades] can't be based on who cries the most, or whose parents complain the most..." and dissapointed as I was, I respected her for being so fair. And she acutally seemed to care about me.

I was entirely wrong. She does give people exceptions. I don't know what her problem with me is, but its something. So maybe she was trying to be fair, but now not only was she entirely UNfair, but she makes me feel like shit. And there's nothing I can do about it, cause she's not even my teacher anymore. And if I go in to say something, it won't resolve anything, cause I've been there done that, and it makes me feel crappier and more unresolved.

I can't live like this. She's the best teacher I've ever had, yet I regret everything I ever done regarding that class. One of my most regretful things I've done of all times. I wish she could know how terrible I feel. How much I hate myself for asking for the fucking grade. And how much I regret not working harder in that class. And also how much I hate her for what she did. For lying and being deceitful...making me think she did care the slightest bit, and for trusting her.

I wish I didn't open up so easily. I wish I could bury and bottle up my feelings. Block them from everyone else, and myself too.

"I don't regret the things I've done but those I did not do" No, I regret both. I regret everything.

And I hate everyone.

"Ok, I love you ___ and _____ and _______ because now some of my freinds have xanga's too and well, I LOVE YOU GUYS!"

She doesn't love me. She doesn't know I have my own little blurty here. Because this is where I can gossip where no one reading knows who I'm talking about. Where it won't wreak havoc and destroy friendships, god knows I do enough of that on my own. Sometimes I do wish I had more people read. But look at me. I have like three people reading, if that many, who don't know the ppl I'm talking about, and i STILL change names or block out names. I'm a private public person.

I wish this site wasn't so goddamn slow.

Well I gotta go now...gotta do lots of drugs...

...for psych, I mean. Do the unit notes on drugs, of course.

Lata.

Date:	2003-11-11 14:51
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried
Music:	Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright (Shrek Soundtrack)

Bitch.

Do you really care about their problems? Are you really worried?

Or are you just jealous?

-----------------------------------------------

I love this song:

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you'd let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me do you?
Remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

-----------------------------------------------

Kait's away message:

life sucks then u die, ive got the life sucks part down now how soon can i die?

Date:	2003-11-10 17:07
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	rejected

Suzie just called -- they're having asweet 16 party without me. A joint sweet 16 party. Surprise. Originally from 'the parents' until they all found out. And I'm not part of it. I'd never heard anything about it. In fact, she was calling because they might have forgotten to send me an invitation. But 100 people were invited. They just forgot me. They even registered a special sweet16 AOL email for rsvp-ing.

I *rreeeeaaaalllly* don't want to have to go to this shit.

I was gonna get al my hw done today. But I'm soo tired.

Date:	2003-11-05 20:06
Subject:	Worry
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely
Music:	Never Grow Old - The Cranberries

When you say things like that it makes me feel estranged. Because I don't want you to do this to yourself. I want you to forget about appearance and unhappiness. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I have to hear it from myself all the time, and hearing it from you is too much. That's not to say I don't want you to tell me, cause I definitely do. Maybe that's why it gets to me. It's like the more you tell me, the more I feel like you're hiding things from me. I want us both to be normal. So we can have fun like we used to, when nothing mattered, when we were carefree.

I hate myself for not being able to help others. What kind of friend am I? A friend who can't help a friend is no friend at all.

When it comes to me I do all the bad things that scare me when they come from your mouth. But hearing them from you is different. I do them cause I know I can't do things any other way. I want you to be happy though. I hope you find some guy who will make you so comfortably happy, so that you can wear sweats and a T shirt, eat a big bowl of ice cream, do wahtever you want, and still feel beautiful. And have him love you for that. Because you deserve that.

Why do you have to beat me at everything? You've always been better than me. I'm always losing. You are prettier, more fun, more talented, more popular than me, all the good things you've got better. But it's also the other way around. Like when you argue with a friend over who's got it worse, who's got *more* homework to do in a night, who's got it worse. You win there too. And it still makes me jealous. You have all the boyfriends, and are better than me in that respect, and then you've been more heartbroken, so you beat me tehre too. I'll keep that in mind one day - maybe it *is* better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all. At least you've been somewhere. At least you look/sound cooler. I don't mean that as shallow as the words are. All the issues you have -- we have -- you did first, and deeper...better. And it makes me the underdog. The loser.

You've got it good better than me, and you've got it bad better than me. You're just better. You'll always win.

And it leaves me in the middle...no where.

I'm sick of being ugly...of being nothing and no where. I'm the squishy middle part...indestinct. I can't pull off anything.

WAIT! Let me clear one thing up: DON'T let this impact you. Don't pity me. Don't not tell me things. Don't feel guilty. Or anything like thatas a result of this. It's MY fault. Don't blame yourself for being better. And don't hide things from me to make me feel better. It won't work; I'll find out and feel worse. PLEASE, I'm begging you don't hide things from me.

Entirely unrelated--

In english today we're reading this play and this guy cheats on his wife and gets the woman he's having an affair with pregnant. That used to scare me half to death. There was a time when I wouldnt even be writing this. Wouldn't be able to sleep because of it. Only a few know about it. Now I probably joke about it, cause that's the sick thing I do. But it occured to me in english today that I'd want a baby now. Maybe. Just...someone of mine. To love, and to love me.

Why am I so hard to be friends with? Will I ever be first on anyone's list? Will I ever be happy?

Date:	2003-11-04 12:18
Subject:	Friends
Security:	Public
Mood:	rejected

Why does everyone have friends but me? If everyone in the world were to pair off with one best friend, I'd be left alone. Everyone who I'd consider my friend has someone else they'd rather be with.

She told me she was going out, so I signed her in to class so she could leave. She didn't leave, she just hung aorund school with friends. Leaving me to wander around alone. She could have asked. But who would want me around?

I have no clothes. I'm ugly. And I have no personality. Check that - a bad personality. No personlity would be better. No wonder no one wants to be with me.

"So irritating, don't wanna be my friend no more...I wanna be somebody else..."

Date:	2003-11-03 18:44
Subject:	Life's options
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

I always thought I wanted to just go back and start over from like 2nd grade and make everything right this time. Like, know enough to not make the same mistakes, but know little enough to not be jaded and have the same stuck midset. Until I was informed that that would involve living it through...again. Going through 16 years in real time. That's so much. If I'm going to do that I may as well just go the 16 years foreward and see where that takes me.

That option down, another option down. Looks like I'm actually going to have to just live, if it could be called that.

--edited to add--

There's something disturbing about staying up all night. If you're not used to it, never done it before, are anyting like me, I don't advise it. But then if you're anything like me you'll do it anyway. But there's a whole new kind of emptiness when you realise that even without sleep...with all the time in a day, it's still not enough to fix things...time still runs out.

This is some country song tha I got from someone's away message. I like the words.

she only smokes when she drinks
she only drinks now and then
now and then when she's tired
of being let down by men
you can give her a light
but its not what you think
everybody knows
she only drinks alone
and she only smokes when she drinks

I also love that 3 doors down song "here without you"

I miss downloading music :( Forget the whole my parents said I can't thing. My internet upstairs doesn't work anyway :(

half days. should be catchin up on hw.

There are like 20 songs I wanna dl.

Date:	2003-11-02 12:50
Subject:	This week...
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

Sorry long time no write. I can't really detail what happened this week...it was crazy. So I won't even try going into that. Just putting something up here cause I haven't posted in a while. Not that you people have commented ::glare:: Well I'm off to do homework now. Have a nice day.

Date:	2003-10-28 00:46
Subject:	Homecoming weekend!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable
Music:	Pepper - Butthole Surfers in head

Okay yah it was like three days ago, but I'm writing about it (briefly) now.

I went over to *NEW* group of friend's house (not [Jen], [Alexis], [Kaylee], [Hannah], and [Suzie]) and we dressed full-out in our PJs (PJs, bathrobe, ducky slippers...I mean the works) and went to see Scary Movie 3 (and eat sandwiches first, actually). It was soooo fun! We got so many strange looks...buncha questions. One lady asked if it was a sorority thing. LOL!

Then we went back to [Beth]s house and slept over. It was fun. I felt really like I was *really* repetitive...I am. I never say anything new. I'm like "that's great" "that sucks" "omg I have a story" "me me me" "blah blah blah" and thats like all you ever find me talking about. Oh wait. And of course "woe is me school sucks blah blah blah"

The next morning I went to my *LAST* Sunday SATprep! Unfortunately it sucked. I left nearly crying and feeling like shit. And not in a 'Imma miss it soo much way." In a "my teachers hate me and that girl thought I was shit for throwing the ball to her when she wasn't looking. You are a moron, Chica!" kind of way. SO I didn't do my homework. Until 11. And even then couldn't concentrate so much. SO I got up, ate a little, and rearranged all the magnets on the fridge. And finished hw around 3.

Which brings us to Monday - today. A lot went on. A LOT sucked. And I dont feel like talking about it. In short, Psych teacher is a fucking dick, Chica gets shy *really* easily and turned bright red, and Chica spills out her life story and regrets it muchly.

Now Chica has to write a 7 page research paper and do math hw. And remeber to bring my history book tomorrow, but I'm thinking the first two homework assignments I mentioned will be the more challenging, time consuming over the third, no?

Ew. And French teacher SUCKS.

I. Hate. School. And then some.

Date:	2003-10-25 07:57
Subject:	Homecoming
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful

Everyone's all excitipated about homecoming :( Makes me almost wanna be all like that too. I mean I really would have a shitass time, but still...if I wouldn't, it would be fun getting all ready and looking all pret- oh, wait. nevermind. scratch the pretty. But anyways. I think I will go to homecoming next year. Which means I gotta get crackin on the making friends thing so I"ll have a good time. Yikes...I've had this resolution before. Not the hc thing, the friend thing. Hmm...maybe I'll just hire friends next year. Like I'm gonna hire my promdate ;)

Date:	2003-10-24 14:57
Subject:	I was gonna title this the date, then realised it already says that...
Security:	Public
Mood:	guilty

...So I titled it that instead.

Today schol-wise, dread-wise, didn't go too badly.

Everything else-wise...

On a note less serious, less deep, something that I feel comfortable and can actually word:

[god, could i sound more like a 15 year old snob?]
So that's what she really thought of us...

You're not supposed to understand.

Sorry, let me clear up. That's not a you-don't-get-it. I'm just clarifying that no, I probably don't make sense right now.

Date:	2003-10-23 20:13
Subject:	And there is this burning, like there's always been
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	Motorcycle Drive By - Third Eye Blind

I wish tomorrow wouldn't come. I'm dreading it so bad. I wish I could miss school tomorrow too. But not only would my parents not let me, but I guess I know too that it's only putting that problem off, that it won't really accomplish what I want it too. It should though. I wish I could miss school forever.

I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive

Not that it's pathetic that I've made like four entries today, but this is sorta funny in a twisted way. And I can't very well share it with my family or leave it as an away message, so I thought I'd post it here:

http://carcino.gen.nz/images/image.php/0077eb0b/assistant.gif

Alrighty. Tha's all folks.

Oh, and a quote:

You can lead a blond through logic but you can't make them think.

Date:	2003-10-22 11:43
Subject:	In this Diary...
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed

It has come to my attention that some people have interesting-er of these blog thingies. And, like, some people are funny. Damn, zero for two's no fun!

I be home today, as in not in school. Feelin' like craaap.

Seriously, I wanna write a letter to the world that's like "Hell-lo!! I don't want *any* more work to worry about or any of this responsibility shit." You fucking only live once, right. So do it! Live! I can't multitask. So it's either work or play. And if school's giving me work, that means my life would be the former of those two. I think I'll go in tomorrow and inform all my teachers of their suckage.

Not.

Shyness/inhibition is another sucky quality. And when it comes to multitasking the shitty things, I manage to do just fine. Arrrgggh.