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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2008.12.03  18.07 Spiritual Melanoma Car trouble today. Crazy ass day of being chauffered around by my Dad, borrowing money, getting car fixed, etc. Noodle poodle monkey butt. That's all I have to say about the work drama that's beginning to unfold. Strange times.. Still on the patch.. feeling sleepy and it's only 6pm. Should probably cook up some food.. That's about all. I just don't have the mental clarity to comment on stuff right now.

	2008.12.01  22.28 Tis the Season To Feel Groggy... I once again lacked the necessary discipline to get my ass out of bed when my alarm went off this morning. Note that I say "when my alarm went off" and not just "this morning" because I did in fact get up in the morning. It was a 1 hour improvement over Friday, so I shouldn't beat myself up too bad. I have a little thing to complete tomorrow morning (which I was planning on doing tonight, only to find that I need to get access). It's the bane of procrastinators that we sometimes require input from others at times when it's not available. I would like to have 24/7 service by an army of short women clad in spandex with lacy wings and a horrible Boston accent. But alas, I cannot have that. So I NEED to get up tomorrow morning to get this thing done "by tomorrow" Also on my plate for tomorrow is the thing that was to be done by "mid-day" today. Nearly finished. Will be done on the morrow for sure. Also hanging over my head is that crap I put off last month to do all this other stuff. Also hanging over my head is the fact that I have approximately 36 hours to pull about a thousand dollars out of my ass. I went to beg from my folks today right after work (instead of finishing up the thing) but got a vibe that it wasn't really a good time to do so, so I instead ate some leftovers and watched the first half of "Moliere" which my dad had taped. I remember liking Moliere, but I couldn't tell you what he wrote. I remember having seen at least one play of his at the Goodman way back when, but the title and plot and reasons that I liked it must have been stored in some of those brain cells that I've since destroyed. I still have loads of work, and it's been far too long since I've been paid for what I'm doing. I keep thinking that doing the little shit will get me immediate gain, and would have saved me by month's end, but the little shit is just too damn little to put me over the top. I need to complete and bill one of these medium jobs that keep getting delayed. I have 2 jobs for one client that are in progress, the one I need to finish tomorrow that was supposed to be done today (the other thing, the thing I was going to do tonight, is just another little chicken butt thing.. 1 billable hour.. yippee), and 2 unpleasant configuration/upgrade type things that are waiting in the wings. Oh yeah.. and also that other thing to finish for the guy who always pays his bills late... I should be putting in 12 hour days, but the quit smoking thing is leaving me sitting in my chair with no excuse to take a break, out of candies to suck on, and dying to get up.. and go out.. for a smoke or at least a stroll.. The freezing cold and snow makes strolling much less attractive. The shorter hours at the coffee shop at the beginning of the week make popping upstairs undoable after 2pm. Will be the same tomorrow. Wednesday I can work late and still get coffee.. but I need to haul ass like the dickens. Now, the dickens has been known to haul ass pretty well, but right now I'm not feeling like the dickens. I'm worrying that I can't bring in enough cash to make this whole business endeavor worthwhile and that the little shit things are eating me alive. I'm worrying that I can't afford christmas presents for anyone, that everywhere I look there's poverty and economic decline, that the things I have piled up are already nearly as big as the big things I had planned, which means plans are that much further in the future. I need a partner. I someone who can see this whole thing from an objective outside perspective without pissing on my vision or trying to shoehorn me into doing the less profitable things (like my former employer) because what I actually want to, and can do, is "a pain in the ass" . As money gets tighter and I get more desparate, I'm feeling less trusting and more paranoid.. if I'm not careful this can turn into a downward spiral of pushing everyone away and having no business at all. The time is NOW. It's "Wake up Puppet Boy! Now DANCE DANCE DANCE!"

	2008.11.29  00.55 Augustinos Rock N Roll Deli Had splendid meal this evening. Subs from Augies.. dems da bestest. Smoot poot and reboot. Bought patches.. I mean it.. tonight is my last smoking hurrah.. I was not called upon to carve the Turkey. Such is my unworthiness. But literally the job fell to the best bread winner. My nephew did the honors, and his having worked at a meat counter in a supermarket for awhile gave him special skills for the job. He hacked the thing up and got most of the meat off of it. Which was a hell of alot better than when I or my Mom do it. We cut only until the plate looks like it won't get empty. As a result, my doggie bag came pre-sliced, rather than random hunks... thanks mang. (I have found that women often tend to prefer random hunks.. but that's another matter entirely). My turd faced ennui of the other night has passed. I'm still buried in my work and focusing on staying focused and meeting demands of others for my time while maintaining my necessary downtime. This is really the essence of effectiveness that makes discipline possible.. beyond that I'll make sporadic attempts at discipline, but right now my work is cut out for me. With quitting smoking and all.. getting up on time is less of a priority for me. No matter what coffee shop lady says. I'm remembering when I was out of my gourd. My response to the suggestion that I need to discipline myself to get up in the morning every day would have been an immediate "Are you saying I need to be disciplined?" with a shit eating grin that would light up the sky. "Tyler's words coming out of my mouth" But alas, I am no longer that man. Instead I am somewhere in between. I'm not sure how else to say it. I am Rupert Tyler I am Spartacus I am Majesterio Apricut Blumfield I am Reginald P. Chickenfucker I am that who is called I AM. but really.. aren't we all?

	2008.11.27  01.18 Preep I'm in preeparation. Stuff to do on Friday. But .. tomorrow a fat fowl will feed us.. As the eldest male who isn't on oxygen with a slipped disc, I will probably be granted the honor of carving the dead bird. It will fill me with great pleasure to give my family the bird. In personal news, I fear I'm forgetting how to dance. Some guy came up to me while I was out on a smoke break. He was preparing to enjoy "the biggest bar day" as he called it. The day before Thanksgiving. He was on the prowl to score chicks. We chatted beefly about apartments and guys with beer (which I hope he was hallucinating..). I told him the place he was seeing people come out of with cups was a coffee shop, but he refused to relinquish the idea that there was a kegger in the apartment above the coffee shop. It was smelly and interesting to speak into a groping darkness apart from my own. The apartment where the kegger was being held in his mind, is actually a hallway with lots of hardwood. Old school 1917 style wooden hallway, with a row of small offices.. the last one, Number 22, being the place where I deliver my rent checks for the office I have in the basement. It makes me wonder.. one man's party is another man's place of business... and vice versa.. too many thoughts tonight.. Do I take too much pleasure in working out of a basement and getting good coffee throughout the day.. smoking like a fiend (which must end in 12 hours... I have 1 pack left and am broke). It also got me thinking about meeting people and going out to have fun. It's entirely off my radar. I'm struggling.. struggling to afford rent and food and get shit done while my former employer screws shit up and calls me in to fix it, making me out to be the hero, like I need to be delivered like a Thanksgiving Turkey in gray business favors to customers who either like working with me because I'm not him, or they don't know anything better than getting screwed and coerced into taking what he has to offer them. I'm almost, but not quite yet of the opinion that he's dicking with the mail server and sending email to these people in my name. My paranoia is high voltage nowadays.. I believe it has alot to do with crappy security and strange things.. things not in order... It's stress. Gaps in my awareness.. things that I do and then look the next day and see that they aren't done, or are only half done.. or have been mysteriously reverted to a version that was present before I did them. I'm completely uncertain how much is me spacing out and making mistakes and how much is actual threat. I hear people walking down my hallway.. and I don't know who they are or what they're doing down in the basement. I find things. Hair bands in the hallway.. a ring from a trade school in the bathroom... I fight the urge to believe that these things are left deliberately to test me or try to communicate with me. I've never even heard of the school it was from, so that was a good thing. If it had been some place I was familiar with I would have certainly been "in the zone" and flying that kite. This, and my work, really takes up all my consciousness. I chat with beefmeister and he's all "I'm looking for ladies" and my immediate reaction is that the notion is so foreign, like a live squid in your bowl of ice cream, and I just say "ah..", like, I understand, or that's cool, yeah, whatever dude. The social universe seems to be closing to me again, and it's all about business stress. Sure, it's true that I trust people much less than I did before.. like.. Normally you'd meet someone and they have a sort of null value, and that value is up for grabs whether it's good or bad, but These Days the depths of badness is such that it skews the null, and the potential badness far outweighs the potential goodness. And it's not just that the badness is worse than it was before, since I've experienced levels of untrustworthiness that I had not previously been aware of, but more to the point, that the goodness really isn't all that good. I've been thinking alot and in spite of my loneliness, the "throw me off balance" of living with the cats for 3 days is leading me to believe that maybe I don't want to live with anyone. Maybe I don't want anyone in my life. I enjoy visiting the parents regularly to watch TV, but it's primarily just to help them out if they need me to carry stuff, and to forget about work for a few hours. It's the forgetting about work that is the ultimate. Putting your cares away. A relationship would be like a second job, a continual work to be aware of and care about. And I have the habit of lying prone for extended periods of time while I sort out my head, just to cope and stay sane. How can I explain these things to someone who's foolish enough to fall for me without knowing this before hand? I struggle with insomnia and the coffee shop owner resents me because I come in late all the time... the things I do to keep from falling off the edge are the things that breed resentment from others. Like it's a fucking party.. like insomnia and sleeping in is some sort of luxury rather than a source of trouble and stress for me. Why did I even bother endeavoring to make these people a part of my life if they cause me pain and discomfort? Yes, there's the whole challenge and growth thing, but if that's just another straw on my loaded plate, how can I embrace it? At this point, I'm beyond being defensive and of low character in response to these things, yet I don't have the spare consciousness to really embrace change. So my response to everyone is "ah..." whatever, dude. And tomorrow.. I will thankful for what I have. That's the plan. Music: free tracks of reminiscent geist

	2008.11.23  11.48 Work and Shit I've got projects now, that I need to get done. I'll probably be heading into the office a little later to work on them. Wiped my home machine and it was much much much needed. It is now responsive and seems to be free of the almost routine alerts from the security app. Had an incredibly terrible headache yesterday. Also horrible dreams friday night. Not nightmares, just expressions of malice toward me.. pretty much all night long. I'm almost certain it's related to my wife-beating brother, since I couldn't shake thinking about his horrible relationship mess and all the ways he's excacerbating the problems with his attitude. I sent him an email which simply said "If you treat people with respect, they'll treat you with respect" He responded, asking if I he had dissed me. I told him no, that it was just a general word of wisdom. I feel the need to talk to my therapist.. We've spent alot of time dismantling my kneejerk defense mechanisms so that I might actually live for a change, or again, or whatever, and now the forge in which they were created has returned. Only instead of my Dad being a butthole it's my brother. My other brother said that living with him was like returning to living with Mom and Dad when he was a kid many years ago. It's really nice that angry brother is miles and miles away, but he calls my parent's often. It's a pall on everything. He's a pall-bearer. That's what he is. Can't get hold of eldest brother, since he no longer has a phone. Perhaps I will write him a letter.

	2008.11.20  20.56 Tremendous I found this in a description for a USB flash drive on tiger direct. "The steady and dynamic figure of the flash drive and its reliability will upgraded your soul which is longing for kinetic energy." I had no idea that's what my soul was longing for... In other news I'm back to smoking.. Not sure if I posted this or not, but my old boss did some work and then called me in at the 11th hour to get it working.. The result being that I spent the better part of 2 days and the weekend dorking around with shit that's not what I do. Dealing with these types of headaches is the reason I quit. I didn't have time to do it, so instead I end up spending 3 times the amount the amount of time on it. It totally pissed me off and threw me off balance, so the smoothness of the thing I was going to use that time to plan for was pissed away on the pooch screw. The result being that it was a second pooch screw, almost as heinous as the first. To summarize... Friday - smoke free, accepted cats and rabbit Monday - irritated and zero down-time.. started smoking again because it was another horrible day of zero down-time and I was pissed Tuesday - cats returned home. Wednesday - finally got over to visit the folks and it was the first time I had a chance to relax since the previous week. Thursday, truly STRANGE problems, of the kind that can only be caused by gross incompetence or deliberate sabotage.. so it's been a bit of a pooch screw redux. So I lost.... a whole week pretty much... and my quit smoking plan was totally fucked. After this carton I will resume not smoking.

	2008.11.17  19.43 I thought I quit this job... My ex boss called me today. Something went wrong with something he did on Friday and he wanted me to help fix it. So instead of going to see a customer at his premises, I instead spent 3 extra hours at the office and got absolutely nothing done. Zilch. I'm totally pissed right now.. but oh well.. Cats are still here. Can't reach sister. Haven't eaten all day. Cooking a chicken with broccoli thing. It's day 3 of non-smoking and I actually cheated once, having found a stale cigarette in the back seat of my car. Did not buy a pack though. I have cash (for coffee) that could get me a pack, but I will not spend it. Walked by 2 people after work today, some dude who looked kind of familiar and a gorgeous woman in a green parka. My immediate thought? She must be a hooker, and that man is her pimp. Get them away from me!

	2008.11.16  14.28 Well it's been a few days... Seems like people have been injuring themselves or getting snowed in while I was gone.. er.. lazy. Big work week, it's good to be busy but sucks because getting paid won't come til later and I need cash now, but that's nothing new. honestly. 2 things are new. 1. While my sister's apartment is being sprayed for roaches, I'm hosting Mr. Tabby, Mr. Floppy, and Pheobe as honored guests. They are a Maine Coon Cat, a floppy eared rabbit, and a jet black cat. They did not spray on Friday like they were supposed to, so they are here until Monday. I have this horrible fear that the roaches have stowed away on the bag of cat food and will be infesting my apartment next. We'll see. 2. I'm finally quitting smoking. On the patch and it's been about 24 hours. 3. My sister, for a similar reason (abject poverty), is quitting drinking as well. Very odd and unexpected. She has been without beer since Thursday. Yes, the economy sucks.. but I invested in many packs of Big Red, a couple bags of Doritos (they were buy 1 get 1) and a lovely jar of dry roasted peanuts. We'll see how I do. Recent Excalamation: "God Damn My Anus!"

	2008.11.12  01.40 Margarine! My stash of Mac N Cheese is once more useful to me.

	2008.11.11  12.46 Still Disturbed I'm getting obsessed with my brother's stupidity. It's getting into my daily environment and upsetting me greatly. I want to send him an email telling him to not bother talking to me until he's completely cracked and has a full fledged psychotic break. I cannot stress enough the value of such an experience in gaining the proper perspective. Granted it comes with a cost.. a very high cost.. and that's just the meds. But it's totally worth it. I refuse to listen to anything about good and evil from someone who's never stared directly into the gates of hell.

	2008.11.10  18.30 Persimmons busy busy busy. Good thing too.. I've been broke. Still busy and have no immediate win (several things going on, none of them ready to bill yet), but I will float by.. I think.. this month. If there's floating to do, I should get to it. I'm sick of living in filth, but haven't set aside any time to clean this place up. I'm lacking the will right now, after a full day's work. Tomorrow night at the parents.. maybe Wednesday evening I'll get a chance to do those dishes. I may buy margarine tomorrow. That would be nice. To have margarine again. I desperately need to quit smoking. I'm gearing up for it. Tomorrow I'll buy gum and snacks and stuff. I'm planning an early bed time today. I'm hoping tomorrow I can get in early and crank one of these buggers out to completion so I can bill it.

	2008.11.09  22.32 Admiral Chickenbinder Had a therapy session yesterday. I learned much about what was so devastating about my drop out from school.. and that was just a neat side-effect. Foremost was the discussion about how the success rate in relationships of all my siblings approaches zero. There are many reasons for that. Personal revalation is that my tentacles are just tattered fetters of fear.. and yet, I know well and do not underestimate the power of the dark side. Talked to my wife-beating brother for the first time since he's been.. expelled. It was really stupid. I tried to talk to him about thinking clearly.. but he equated that with some weird psuedo-christian shit about figuring out which "thoughts come from Satan and which from God" That really just hurts my head, because here's this whole tradition that veils truth, such that people may walk through it and learn something, and he's invoking it in defense of narrow rigid thinking and still refusing to see anything. I really hate his God. His God and all it's followers are surely damned and should be exterminated forthwith. I didn't tell him I'm the anti-christ.

	2008.11.08  03.36 Return to The Rote Sancitity of Normality and Tradition I was a bit too effluvial in my lamentations of lost pancakes. I did my mother a disservice by portraying her as weak and overly effected by this mundane debacle. Truth is, it didn't matter all that much. Truth is, I was in fact the most disappointed, and disappointed primarily in myself for not following the trail that led to the correct restaurant location. My need for inflexibility cost me a small amount of dough. So thankfully tonight was a typical Friday night of dinner, television, and dessert. Relaxing and ultimately vacuous. I had more relevant things to say, and a few more entertaining things to say, but right now it's really late and I should sleep. Gnight.

	2008.11.06  17.16 The exaggerated power of pancakes Went to bed really early last night to recoup from.. whatever the hell ennui had hold of me. Found a message on my cell this morning about 1 cent pancakes at Colonial today. Well I'll be.. happy. So I called my folks, who had left the message, and arranged to meet them at the restaurant for lunch. In typical fashion I stopped listening when I asked my Dad "the one on 64?" and he said "yes". It wasn't until I had been waiting for them for nearly half an hour that I vaguely recall something about Randall road. The "one across from the mall", must have referred to that derelict mall that has been closed for well over 10 years now. Since I was calling them from work, I completely neglected to put on my "translate this stuff into something that makes sense, in spite of any "yes" you hear" hat. It's a valuable skill that I've developed through a lifetime of practice.. one that served me well in my previous job, and one that I felt completely liberated no longer having to use every moment of every day at work. I got complacent, and it bit me in the ass. I also neglected to transfer my contacts from my other phone, so I didn't have their cell number. I learned that the pancake deal was only at the other.. AFTER sitting down and getting served coffee. I had already wasted time waiting and that combined with the awkwardness of paying for coffee and leaving, I decided to just sit tight and eat.. aw who am I kidding.. at the time I just wanted my fucking pancakes at any price. Literally. You want my soul? Here, take it! Just give me some goddamn pancakes!! Anyways, the debacle has come to dominate the afternoon, as I feel bad for my Mom, because she was so disappointed. And the beast of a thing is that this is just lame ass stress that could have been avoided, at a time when she's already pounded by my brother and sister-in-law.. So bleah on all that..

	2008.11.05  16.36 The Power of Hooplah As the election hooplah subsides, markets have resumed their downward spiral into oblivion. This doesn't effect me directly, because I've been out of stocks for over a year now. It does effect me indirectly, however, as I have a business to run. I'm finding that my scrape by from month to month on 1 or 2 decent sized projects could be turning into NOT even being close to scraping by, on 6 or 7 seven bitty projects. A good month gives me 2 big ones and maybe 2 or 3 little ones. November, which is looking like the shittiest month since June unless I get some more business in before month's end, will cover.. bills for the office... a bit of a paydown on my business debt, and leave me with approximately.. I'm guessing.. about $30 to pay myself. That should cover rent, food, gas, P.T., Credit card bill, and leave me with a nice down payment on a yacht. Yeah, no problem. The web site for my company is finally up. I'm prone to believing that everything I do is worthless crap, but I can't shake the feeling that the minimalist website I made for myself is, in fact, utter crap that will drive even current customers to look elsewhere. Lower dosage yeah, plus I missed taking them last night. It's only quarter to five, and I've been home since 4. I was waiting for emails, surveying my vast empire and counting my beans, and then I just couldn't take it anymore. By 4, with absolutely nothing happening since 3, my fucking brain started working and fucked up my entire day. The shit with my brother and my impending poverty.. (I thought I was already in poverty.. guess I was wrong)... got me feeling so miserable I had to leave. I'm going to cook dinner and spend the evening cleaning the apartment. I may give myself a haircut and do the rest of the dishes, etc. I have a therapy session (which I cannot afford) on Saturday, and I can't wait. So much bullshit, so many strange things. Which reminds me... I haven't even thought about my homework in weeks. I still need to do my list of activities for when I have only 30 days to live.

	2008.11.04  23.10 We seem to have change. We'll see how it goes. Part of me is a bit nervous about his foreign and economic policies, the other part thinks it's really fucking kick-ass cool that we finally have an african-american president. If you take all the leading politicians of that ethnicity, Obama is the best choice hands down.. I think this is going to work. Yeah, he's more progressive than I'd like, but what the hell. If we have to have a New Deal no matter who's in charge, better it be someone who's right on social issues. Throw away free-market capitalism and the GOP is left with.. well... not a hell of a lot. They aren't even as pro-second amendment as they used to be. They have maintained the same core base of supporters while slipping further and further away from those ideals. Which leaves them pretty much on a par with the Democrats. Oh yeah, except that they also have bible-thumping idiots in their core base.. which is at least several points off. I said in one of my more lucid moments that I would be happy-ish with either candidate. That's turning out to be true. Local election tallies have run the way they traditionally do around here, only moreso. The biggest, most corrupt crooks won by the largest margins. In some districts, people still vote out of fear.. or they cast ballots on behalf of the dead.. or for whoever signs their ghost payroll checks.. same difference. No Constitutional Convention in Illinois, so my plans to inject a clause stating that I am the sole arbiter of power for the entire cosmos won't be happening this time around. And it's just as well. I can remake my home state in my own image next time around. The ballot machines here had a little dial thing that reminded me a lot of that game Tempest. So I shot down as many things as I could before they ate me. I think I accidentally voted for Lyndon LaRouche. I found this particularly disturbing because he wasn't even on the ballot. Oh well.. McCain already delivered his capitulation speech. I wonder how many people are holding their breath, waiting for the coronation of the Emperor of the Western Hemisphere before they believe that it's actually happened. Not all polls are in, but it's looking like it pretty much was a done deal after all.

	2008.11.02  22.20 I will proudly be the first man executed. It seems that my initial attempts to register to vote have failed. I, unlike my "neighbors and friends" have yet to receive that silly little postcard that indicates the time and location for me to perform my civic duty. If they let us vote, we may vote them out of office, and then who would kill us? You answer me that mister. ID Theft alert indicated a change of address about the time I filed my voter registration. It also noted that my address was incomplete, listing only the apartment number. Now, I'm sure that would be enough for anyone who had visited my apartment before, but it certainly doesn't match any other records being so woefully inadequate. It's sad really.. in all my railing about distrust of government, fact is, I did trust them. More so than many others. I have hard copies of emails on file, duplicates of contracts and all sorts of backups to cover my ass should shit hit the fan. The one thing I didn't think I would need to photocopy was my voter registration form. So, unlike past elections where my candidate lost the primary or stood no chance of winning anyway, this time, I actually endeavored to vote. I made an effort above and beyond lamenting Steve Forbes defeat, above and beyond lying to my family and telling them I voted, an actual effort the likes of which I have not made since.. I don't remember when. I think I've only voted 2 or 3 times in my life. I have been thwarted by the enemy. Inaccurate data. The source of all evil in the world. And what is the cause of this data? It is THEM. I do not claim to able to put names on them or even understand why they are targeting me. More evidence, the most telling evidence I've had in regards to probable origins, arrived in my inbox today. Oh, it was assuredly mistake, sent to the wrong person with my name, but it's source remains in my mind as something mentioned offhand during.. during my stint of employment as a consultant downtown. A word to the wise.. if someone calls you up out of the blue offering you a job, when you've been unemployed for a long period of time, and are a bit paranoid, a bit too technical, and severely lacking in friends and social skills.. just say no. These are the biggest THEY. THEY (I think there may have been 3 distinct groups at play there.. but) are the most serious ones in terms of screwing with my head. Since then, there have been other THEYs that screwed with my head, a shady MoFo who shall remain nameless, a more frightening THEY than the big boys mentioned earlier. The several days (a week or 2?) of my employment there I do not recall very well. I mean that sincerely and vehemently, rather than offhandedly. Do you know what it's like to go into work, and find the entire day has slipped by in what seems like 10 minutes? To have your entire job be missing time, like in some Phillip K. Dick novel? And the parts you do remember involve threats, and things so.. off and frightening that you find one day that instead of going to work you park in a parking lot near by and pray with all your soul? There are so many THEY's, so many implanted keys for hypnosis... Oh yeah, and the relatively delightful job in retail that put me over the edge. It became my conclusion that they were looking for someone other than me, but someone whose BBS I had frequented in the bad old days (high school). These were the guys who slipped acid into my coffee. I think they may have been a cleanup crew, sent primarily to induce schizoid behavior such that I would be discredited. But thank the bulging penis of the great mole rat known as Eli Lilly Corporation.. They have concocted a dangerous chemical invention.. one that is destroying my circulatory system (with the help of coffee of cigarettes), but one which resurrected me from the dead. I have died and been resurrected. Should you worship me? I don't know.. but if you worship my cock I won't say no.. (unless you want money in return.). Anyway.. there was a point to all this.. and I think it had to do with deliberate disenfranchisement. One bit in the electoral machine. I may make little difference, but being denied my right as a citizen is a right irritating bitch. But it's really the least of my worries. Collect me as a number. If the numbers are high enough, observe it as a small hint as to what may actually be going on. Something you cannot deny is happening, but that you will never be close enough to the inner circle to ever really know exactly what it is. In that moment, that moment of incredulous fear, think on me, and take note that I FEEL LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME.

	2008.11.02  12.50 What's in a name? Lucious P. Stankboner I forgot to relay that the evening with my sister the other night was relatively drama free. The unfortunate and terrible thing, is that my elderly parents, now more-so than my sister, are being caught in the middle of the wife-beater's divorce. Due to the restraining order and my brother's alienation of all his friends, they now have the painful and evil task of relaying messages from him to the in-laws and vice-versa. I hate it. I hate everything about it. Try as I might to remain "happy" and "nice", my life is dominated by the shit filled intestines of the underbelly. Once you've seen it for what it is, perpetual war is the only honorable course in life. I can't help thinking that more problems would have been prevented if I had ruthlessly lashed out at the proper people at the proper time, rather than giving the benefit of the doubt. And yet, what happiness can be found in a life like that? So I'm left accepting the unacceptable, until the point at which it becomes untenable. I must focus on running my life, wherever that may lead. The pain of the situation notwithstanding.

	2008.11.01  14.06 Names and Exclamations I've uttered the following exclamations recently: When running out of cigarettes: "Skunk Penis!" And when unable to locate my lighter after buying cigarettes: "Come on and fuck my mother!" I've also come up with the following name in my quest to think of what to rename myself: Mustafa Lemonjello Running Bear Wang That is all.

	2008.10.30  21.43 Universal Healthcare allows the state to decide who lives and who dies instead of the free market. Isn't that what politics is all about? Who gets to live and who gets to die? To speak is to lie. To lie is to collaborate. To collaborate is an act of war. We are all dying. Always. I'm prepared to fight.. soon.. I have more inaccurate data that I need to beg people to fix before it destroys my life. Again. And what the fuck is up with Sears? God damn them and all their hookers..

	2008.10.30  17.12 Etta James Yes, I heard Etta James on the college radio station on the way home. Soulful blues, and well.. it spoke to me. It sucks when you find yourself enjoying the blues. It can't possibly portend joy in life. Economy is blowing chunks. I think my favorite barrista had her hours cut because I only saw her once this week, and she was tasked with doing decorations or something, and not once worked the counter. The owners are doing all the work. Perhaps she's scheduled tomorrow. We'll see. It's been several weeks since I harassed my sister and drank her beer. I have a birthday gift for my niece that finally arrived (oh.. only about 4 days late for her birthday) that I need to give, so it's time. Tonight's the night. It will be the first time I visit since the revelations about Punch and Judy came to light. So it will be a slummy ghetto time of banter about drama and shit. I will have happy news though. I'm going to blow a few dollars (that I can't afford) on a six pack, so I won't have to drink her beer and drive her further into poverty. I paid myself a small amount yesterday, and bought groceries today. I'm nearly broke and am still without things like margarine, peanut butter, bread, etc. but at least I won't be forced to visit my parents even MORE often to avoid starving to death. The site for my business is ready to go up. All I need is about 15 minutes and some gumption. I'm hoping some miserable ramblings over the cheapest swill money can buy will grant me the necessary motivation.

	2008.10.29  23.28 Impact The continually annoying drama with my brother, and the mysterious reappearance of a tree person are disturbing me no end. She sends me messages and disturbs my tranquil emotional neutrality. Then dicks around changing profile stuff instead of composing replies. This is irritating. I find hurt and anger and trust issues.. that's what she's bringing out in me. Is this a challenge to my balance that I must deal with and learn from and rise above? Or is it just a big San Diego that will eat me if I'm not careful. What is it she seeks? I have more than my share of problems. The second to last thing I need in my life right now is my brother's messy marriage implosion getting shit on me. The absolute last thing I need in my life right now is to be forced to face someone who reminds me of my own issues with relationships. I really wish someone would publish a "Master List of Hookers" for the USA, so that I would know who's a hooker and who isn't. Instead I have to rely on intangible verbal cues.. and those types of things seriously fuck with my head. In other news I saw Anarchist Vapor Trails. Walking from my car to the office I looked up, and the vapor trails formed a very clear and large letter "A" with the ultra-extended cross-bar. I don't know exactly what this means, but it's clear that my low meds and the arboreal have deteriorated my dancing shoes to the point where I'm looking for meaning where there is none... and finding it in droves that I can't recall hours later. I can't seem to remove my tentacles either. I put them on for a purpose, and now that the purpose is ended, it's like, she appeared and my internal landscape has congealed and all things I had control of within myself have fused into a transparent cube and are stuck in place. Many of these things are comfortable delusions that I need to let go of once they've served their purpose. Some of them are uncomfortable delusions that I'm questioning of late. I suppose maybe being congealed is fortuitous for that endeavor. But it still hurts like a son of a bitch.

	2008.10.28  18.12 Happy Days are Here Again... Stocks rebounded today on news that.. well.. that there wasn't any unusually bad news for a change. Will it last? Was that the bottom? I have yet to secure the goat entrails necessary for such a prediction. In other news, I dunno.. work is plodding along ploddingly.. still too busy to have worked on my own site at all.. I mean.. for want of a few hours.. and the will and fortitude to say "the public is welcome" Got a long winded whiny bitch email from my wife-beating brother. He's in a hotel now because his friend won't put him up. I can't blame them. He's such a whiny bitch. It's always me me me poor poor me, and that's the root of it. The root of all of it. When the lies and distortions start as covers for bad behavior motivated by poor poor me it just gets worse, and that fecal matter starts to get on others, and when they say "buck up, quit bitching and whining" it's all "oh.. you don't care about me, nobody cares about me" until he can use it as justification for stupid pointless rage. My plan for reprogramming borders on criminal.. in fact.. it would get me in serious trouble to actually do it.. so I'll settle for emailing him little prodding nuggets of wisdom. The Geneva Convention doesn't actually apply to civilians, but there are plenty of other laws that would. A small cave. A single bare light-bulb. Electrocution of the genitals. Several weeks of sleep deprivation. Administration of stimulants and hallucinogens. A steady feed of pornography on a large screen television. And very soft... almost like the television in the apartment next door.. suggestions to direct his frantic searching for meaning amid meaningless torture. It's a bit like the movie "V" isn't it? Indoctrination unto self-reliance, and acceptance of the things he cannot change. So anyways.. a bit of dark pondering before heading out to the solace of a home cooked meal with my parents.. with his parents.. hmm... Being Zen is the order of the day.

	2008.10.26  21.50 Alien biomechanical tentacles I've taken out my tentacles of nefarious power and are dusting them off. It's time for me to take my rightful place at the right hand of X and perform psychic surgery of my own. My brother, who shall henceforth be named Tyrannosaurus Logos, has been bailed out of jail and is looking forward to his anger management classes. This bothers me because it is indicative that his attitude has not been properly adjusted, as he does not seem to be bawling in despair, which means he has not let go of, or even questioned, the fundamental delusions which drive his will to power. I'm taking time to compose an email which may be of use towards his reprogramming, but want to think it through and cast the necessary glyphs very carefully. Annoying coincidence is the ad in my inbox from my Horoscopes selling a reading to help with "relationship problems" on the same day I got his reply. "Forward to a friend" it said. It is abundantly clear to me, having known him these many years, that he's doing the right thing solely because he was told to. No lasting good can come of that. But enough of that.. In my own personal metaphysical sphere, this incident came, not just at an inconvenient time, but at a time when my energies were well aligned and I had just recovered from a slagging funk that was depleting my efficacy for several weeks. Too much family shit this month.. not enough drive and focus. And as long as I'm pursuing power now, I might as well lead into a rant... Marriage, in it's inception, is a religious construct, and so any marriage sanctioned by any religion must be protected under the 1st amendment. If you buy that marriage is a secular, rather than a religious institution, then what, pray tell, does anyone's religion have to do with it? Gay Marriage exists, whether it's legally recognized or not, and any further deviation of the law from reality serves only to undermine The Law in general, and provides no real benefit, indeed, causes harm to, everyone in the society. The attempt to ban gay marriage is a stellar example of what politics is and what politics does. Politics is, as defined by me : The attempt by the few to dictate the lives of all. Many people today complain about partisan bickering, but the bickering is only worse today than it was in the past, because people have come to the realization that there is no ultimate source of legitimacy. Election fraud is a given in a nation that cannot even safeguard the most basic public records from error. In science, repeatability of experiments serves as a gauge of truth. Conditions in the real world can not be controlled as in a lab, so the fact of every political viewpoint is thus: 1. It has never been tried. Other factors have intervened in previous attempts. 2. It has never worked. No previous attempts at implementing a policy have succeeded, or at best, have had unwanted ancillary effects. The neotany of the electorate makes these facts less relevant, as political ideas are only marginally related to policy. That which is implemented, is implemented without the consent of the governed, and that which is promised, is mutated before delivery to fit the common agenda of the politician class. That being simply, to preserve the conditions and problems which allow the greatest political traction in an election cycle. What drives the electorate are psychological needs for belonging, for authority, for safety, etc. The manipulation technology used in commercial advertising (the same technology used by the Nazis) is also in use in political advertising. Generations have been indoctrinated to be good consumers, and these same people, who are used to being lied to and manipulated into buying products, are choosing their leaders based on the nebulous emotional characteristics portrayed by party and candidacy. Neotany of the electorate renders democracy meaningless, in the same way that specious, unenforced laws render The Law meaningless. All of this has been used as evidence that we have entered a "new era" or are "waking up from history". This futurism was another way in which the holocaust was sold to unsuspecting germans. When survivors tell you "It's happening again.. it's just starting, but it's happening again." I think we should listen. There simply are no new political ideas, they are just old ideas repackaged and resold under different names. So here are a few new names to whet your appetite for the "great and glorious" future. In Russia, they may pretend at democracy, but really they still only have a single party. That is the "Mafia controlled sex-slave rings funding former KGB agents for enforcement" party. We, however, are much luckier, in that we have a 2 party system. We have a choice between "Cults who have infiltrated the military industrial complex" party, or the "redistribution of wealth in such a manner that organized crime gets a percentage" party. Nevermind that a significant majority of elected officials on both sides of the aisle use their positions to line their own pockets and pursue personal vendettas against their enemies.. this is a "tried and true tradition for getting things done in Washington" as they say. Oh sweet sweet liberty.. Well my tentacles have been greased and lubed, so I now must return to my immediate life and use them to point words where they may do some good, instead of evil. But I fear these tentacles will seize control of my mind, and not allow me any peace until the people elect me "God Emperor of the Western Hemisphere". The pathetic human race should be so lucky.

	2008.10.25  23.18 Sweet 16 ain't that peachy keen? My sister, who has a history of abusive relationships, has been a wreck all day regarding the stuff down in Florida. We postponed her daughter's celebration until next weekend. Personally I don't think we should negotiate with terrorists. I subscribe to the British school, where keeping a stiff upper lip and not allowing their infantile actions to garner extra attention or derail our plans is the order of the day. Can't adjust the emotions of family members though.. so I'm not in charge of official policy. The waves of psychic destruction emanating from that festering swamp of a state have crufted up the entire day. Also unfortunate, is the fact that I require a clear head to effectively do my job, so the work I would have liked to have gotten a head start on this weekend is not going to happen.. I guess my lip is just not stiff enough. I did send him an email though. I told him he has 2 options. 1) seek professional help or 2) commit seppuku for dishonoring our family. Since sending I learned that he's likely to get FREE anger management classes.. and that no one is willing to post his bond, which is just as well. He's under a restraining order until his court date, and no one is willing to take the chance that fuckhead won't try to violate it, so it's a nice luxurious cell for him until.. whenever. I didn't even listen.. I don't know or care when his court date is. Wait, not true. It's Monday. One thing of note, is that his wife is a deputy at the county jail. This means he's guilty of assaulting an officer. Pops and I speculated on whether or not they will "tune him up" as he put it, because of that. I expect other inmates who have consciences might "tune him up" as well. I don't have much faith in the anger management classes. I suspect it will take at least 5 years of regular and extensive psychotherapy to give him a proper exorcism. In my wiling away the time of sitting around in a funk, I'm wondering what would be a good strategy. To leverage his so-called belief system, or to crush it ruthlessly and force him to rethink it. I think the latter, but given that he's in the South, the former will probably be the order of the day. It was pointless to even say that.. I almost always favor ruthlessly crushing belief systems.. except in polite company. It really depends on my mood. Oh... it's time to post about a TV show. I've had this on my mind for awhile now and don't think I mentioned it. Fringe is surprisingly decent. My first thought was that it would be a lame-ass X-files rip-off, but it has enough difference to be it's own show. This comes to relevance in terms of the name game. Walter Bishop would be an excellent name for me, as the character is a man after my own heart. I think the show really keys into things that have been happening in this country and abroad. Not factually, but in a sort of zeitgeist way. I would say it was topical in the early to mid-nineties, but now is so off my radar that I no longer find that universe new and strange. Pockets and pools of ideas form and cluster in various areas, and it's entirely a matter of individual destiny if and when a person comes in contact with any given pool. The coming together of global financial regulators to address the global recession is a tipping point. It's the pre-cursor to unification of currencies, and eventually of government. The die is cast, it's adapt or perish. Many will not survive the collection of humanity into service of the Great Mole Rat. That's what Gitmo is for. Many more will survive, however. It's worth noting that the advice "Be as the lamb" is probably the most appropriate for survival. Interesting that at one point in history, it gets one nailed to a cross, and at another, anything else gets you nailed to a cross. The last shall be first and the first shall be last. I just wish I knew what was going on and what ideologies are seizing control. The only thing I'm sure of is that there are multiple paradigms and none of them seem to give the whole picture.