05:55am 14/05/2003
  Brat and anyone else that has a blurty journal and doesn't have my new journal name, if I had you listed under my friend then I will be under your "Friend of" list in your info section. You can't miss my name. It's pretty obvious for me.  
To someone psycho   
01:56pm 13/05/2003
mood: pissed off
music: *dun dun FUCKING DUN!!!!!*
So? You read my journal OBSESSIVLY!!!! And you think I'm crazy?!! What the fuck. And I'm sorry you think that we haven't slept together, think what you want. I'm sorry he isn't being honest with you. That's not my problem if you can't believe what's staring you right in the eyes.

The ONLY reason I found your journal by the way is because I typed in Potsdam to see what people I knew had a journal that I didn't already know about and I saw your name and it made me remember your web site that I saw a while back with the same log name. I clicked on it and saw the little bit about "Woman A and B" and said okay what the fuck!

So you believe what you wish. Like I give a shit about you anyway.

For anyone that Reads this I will be changing my journal to something else so this person cannot find my journal again. I'll let anyone else that wants to know what it is, and I will no longer have it in my info, so just ask for the address.
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10:43am 13/05/2003
music: Darryl Worley-I Miss My Friend
Okay. I'm going to continue on the entry from this morning at 545. What I meant when I said that I think I made a mistake last night is that I went out and saw *him* and we had been fighting shortly before that. I mean, right after he got back for a cig break did he ask me to meet him and I did. I tried to say no because we had be fighting and you shouldn't sleep with someone that you are fighting with but he brought up some good points and coaxed me into it. I'm glad I went but not at the same time.

He's upset with me about something that he's heard from other people that heard from me first hand. He won't tell me what that thing is tho. And it is really bugging me. I told him I don't know and he doesn't believe that I don't but said that if I really DON"T know then there must be more to the story that he doesn't know. Which is simply not the case. I just really don't know what the hell he is refering to. He told me that my brother was one of the people that told him and I asked him this morning and he doesn't know what he told him it was so long ago. Apparently *he* confronted me about it a while ago but I denied whatever it was. but I don't remember what that was for the life of me. I've been trying to figure it out all day and I jsut can't. I wish I knew what it was so I could ease his mind. I'm guessing it is about a guy but I haven't been with any other guy for a long time. Not since that stupid stunt I pulled in december which I am still regreting.
10:24am 13/05/2003
mood: amused
HEY BARRITO!!!! *2x*

*wink* who'd we learn that from?...NOT GONNA TELL!!!!...I wanna learn the dance moves to that too.

Nothin much to say....cept Brat-that Playgirl was just WRONG. I don't understand HOW a guy could get in one of those with the package he was carryin! Yea he had the so called "sexiest eyes" but that doesn't make up for the little 2 inch pencil that was floppin around down there! And I was serious when it looked like he had one nut! I'll get the magazine to show you!! lol That's what I get for being upset infront of mary saturday night after she had gone to the sex shop!

*Pouts* I gotta work today....least I get to work with Brat. That's always a plus!

Brat and anyone else that was in the hall during gym..... "ALL I SAW WAS A BLUE THING FLYING AT MY FACE!"

^dare to guess what I was talking about? muahahaha^

Kayla walks with her butt stickin out whenever we are downtown or walking by a hott guy. *Kc and me walking around the cafeteria mocking her while she laughed telling us to stop* muahahaha I love pickin on people:-p Not to hurt their feelings dur, only when they know I'm joking.

Kayla and Kc....do you walk down the stairs or take the elevator? *wink*
05:46am 13/05/2003
mood: drained
music: Mandy Moore-Someday We'll Know
Well. Looks like I was MISTAKEN. And I apologize. Who I thought was her at the show was not. I never did really pay attention to what she looked like.

Last night was weird. I'm wondering if I should have done what I did. He was right tho. It did make me feel better. But it wasn't exactly morally right for what I usually believe.

Apparently everyone knows something about me that I don't or don't remember. I was informed that about 8 people heard something FROM ME about something and I don't know what it is. I guess it's about another guy because *he* said he confronted me on it before and asked me but I can't think of when he did about anything these past few months. But he said that I denied it but he believes everyone else seeing as how one of the sources is my brother. I think we will be having a little talk today about it. I want to know what everyone is saying behind my back.

I don't know. Maybe I will write in school today. Not sure. I have to work tonight so I won't be on much tonight but I'll try to get around to typing something.

*Te amo* :-/ Not that you believe me. You never believe me anymore
09:44pm 12/05/2003
mood: crappy
Got my computer today. I love it.

Why is it that thinking about him makes me feel as tho I could just die? I hate myself for letting myself get so rapped into him...or atleast not letting him really into my heart so that he knew just how much I really love him. I kept him at such a distance. And it may have seemed taht I didn't and that he was so close to me but he could have been closer. I could have let him in on so much more of me. But I was so scared. I mean, how childish is that? Not letting someone into your heart for fear of being hurt. Tho I'm sure he wouldn't believe when I say I kept him at a distance because of how close I actually DID let him get to me.

Ugh...whatever..it's over. Nothing I can do right? I've tried everything. Once he has his mind set there's no changing it...
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10:40am 12/05/2003
mood: cold
I'm probably not going to write much in this anymore. I don't quite know why. I just don't feel like telling everyone my sob story anymore and I don't usually ahve anything happy to say so there's no point. I'll prolly go back on my word cuz I change my mind about everything all the time apparently. And I'm not myself toward people and all this other shit. Well that's what everyone says anyway.

So I don't give a fuck about anything anymore. I could care less if I even graduate this June. Why must you ask? Because I have no one to please but myself and I don't care how I feel anymore.

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10:23am 12/05/2003
mood: blank
Got this from Brat's journal.....

[Four beverages you drink frequently]
1. Coke
2. Mountain Dew
3. Water
4. Orange Juice

[Four TV shows you liked when you were a little kid]
1. My Little Ponies
2. Care Bears
3. smurfs
4. Winnie the Pooh

[Four places to go in your area]
1. Jrecks
2. The Field’s
3. kinney's
4. Wal*Mart

[Four things to do when you're bored]
1. Check e-mail
2. Read Brat's journal...
3. Post an entry

[Four things that never fail to cheer you up]
1. Mary's PlayGirls...lol
2. Psychology Class *not the learning part...just the class*
3. Cheerleading
4. my cigs

[Four things you can't live without]
1. food
2. water
3. air
4. clothing

[About ten years ago *list three things*]
1. I was still a virgin
2. I never thought I would find someone that could stand me for longer than about 6 months *I did but that ended anyway*
3. I never thought I would be able to get out of my parents control range

[About four years ago *list three things*]
1. I was in 8th grade... *good one Brat*
2. I didn't know what REAL "love" was
3. I thought I was the shit *come to find out it was really the poopy kind that I was...prolly still am*

[about one year ago *list three things*]
1. I thought I had found someone to spend the rest of my life with
2. I thought I knew where my life was going
3. I didn't think I would quit cheerleading halfawy thru basketball season

1. I got yelled at by someone to leave them alone.
2. I lost someone very important to me
3. I realized someone that seems completely trustworthy can lie to you every day and you never knew
4. That people cheat and can cheat well
5. That love isn't all you think it is

[Seven things you love]
1. walking in the rain
2. swimming
3. drinking
4. my cigs
5. *someone*
6. my new computer
7. friends that are always there for you

[Seven things you dislike]
1. liars
2. cheats
3. people who always expect an apology from everyone over any little thing
4. shaving
5. thunder/lightening
6. preppy *Brat!...you know who I'm talkin bout!! lol*
7. Centofanti *the Mrs not Mr.- he's the shit!*

[Seven facts about you]
1. I get jealous very easily
2. I have a bad remper at most times
3. I work at McDonald's
4. I hate the snow
5. I love music *any kind mostly*
6. I am single *not sure if that's good or bad jts yet*
7. I hate the way I look
08:49pm 11/05/2003
mood: bitchy
music: *my voice yelling* FUCK OFF!!
So....I've cried mutiple times today and dad tried pretty much harassing me to figure out what was wrong. He figured out it was *him* that was upsetting me and kinda left it at that. He pissed me off tho cuz for a while he just wouldn't let it go. He was all like "you get mad at me for never lsitening to you and when I finally sit down and want to talk you won't".....well reality check. This is not something to talk about with my FATHER

I was lied to again by the way. He isn't moving. He's staying right where he is with HER. Told me that he said he was leaving to get me away from him. He won't let go of something from the past and I'm getting a little sick of him bringing it up every time hes angry with me. He tells me how I don't love him and don't give a shit and never have and I should stop putting up a front and be myself. Well, I am being myself as much as he won't sit down and realize it. He doesn't know that I love him with all my heart because he won't look into my eyes anymore and see what I have hiding in there.

It's really pissing me off. The biggest thing now is I wanna know how long he's been with her behind my back because that means he's cheated on her mulitple times yet again. I'm so sick of this shit. Is it too much to ask to want to be with someone this much? I mean, I've made plenty of mistakes with this guy, I know that. But I've learned from them. I mean, I've even been working like a mad woman to control my anger for HIM. I've been faithful since the whole Josh thing.

And I had reason for that whole thing but I don't want to get into it. All I have to say about that is that *he* wouldn't commit and what the fuck was I supposed to do? Sit around like a puppy and hope that he would want to make it official? I realized I had made a mistake when I ended it with *him* and I tried to right it but he hasn't let it go. He hangs on everything that I do wrong and brings it up when hes angry with me so that he can make me feel like a jackass and turn it around so I"M the one apologizing and asking him to forgive ME. Fucked up huh?
01:40pm 11/05/2003
mood: crushed
music: Hopesfall - 'End of an Era'
So there was a show last night at the VFW. *He* played in one of his bands. He was amazing. I could barely take my eyes off him. The only flaw is that "she" was there. And he told me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore because he doesn't want to ruin my life. Told me he's going to turn into the same person that I despise the most. I don't believe it. I could care less if I live in a cardboard box! Love is something stronger and it shouldn't be compromised by 'could be's'.

I think he's leaving in 2 weeks. That's what he told me anyway. I don't want him to go but there is nothing I can do or say to make him stay. He's too stubborn to listen to anyone. And I mean ACTUALLY listen, not just hear what they say and forget about it.

I don't know where he is going..I just hope it isn't back to his parents. That's the worst thing for him. He would be better off here than back with his parents.

I just don't want to lose him. He's so important to me, I don't know what I'm going to do when he's gone. He told me once I get to college I'll move on and forget about him..I know that's not true. I could never forget someone like him. He's changed me so much over the past year and I am so grateful for it. I just wish it wasn't over.

I feel like crawling in a hole and never coming out. I know that everyone can see the pain that I have inside. My friends know that even when I'm laughing I'm really still dying inside. I just have ways of covering it up so that a lot of the time...I even fool myself..

but then I jump back into reality and realize that I've lost the one thing in my life that I truely care about. The one thing that made me get up in the morning, be able to look in the mirror and say...He thinks I'm beautiful, so it must be true. And I saw myself in a different light. But lately I look in the mirror and I just want to smash it, I just look so horrible. It makes me hate myself.

Imagin getting your intestines ripped out and thrown on the floor infront of you and your totally helpless. That's what I feel like right now.

But enough of my sob story...I'm going for a walk and smoke a cig. I think I need that right now. My cigarettes keep me some what sane.
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Lets try this again...   
10:43am 08/05/2003
mood: aggravated
One more entry because i keep forgetting things to say.

Shit I just forgot what it was!!!! DAMMIT!!



My computer has been ordered again. It has been built and is being tested now. Should be here hopefully by beginning of next week!!
10:40am 08/05/2003
mood: amused
And Jeff walked by the mock DWI yesterday..He told me how he wanted him and his friend to run out in the middle of the whole scene and freak out yelling "what happened to my friends!!..blah blah blah" lol I thought that was great. I told him he should have.

Just had to say that!
Concert tonight!   
10:28am 08/05/2003
mood: good
Marine dude was kinda cool in Intro today. Had me and brat fill out stuff to send to us...not that i'll really read it.

Concert tonight..auditorium 730...free..anyone that reads this should go. If you don't go to school there, then it is the first driveway into the school coming from the "main part" of town. It's the two glass doors that should be open right by the parking lot, you can't really miss it. I would love to see people there seeing as how it is only going to be the choirs tonight. Band/orchestra and all them were tuesday night. Sorry if you missed it! And if you happen to be curious...It's concert choir that I am in *2nd row up on the very left end*


Quotes of the day: *off of Becky's planner*

1 - "When the sex is good, It's beautiful. When the sex is bad, it's still pretty good!" - Definately true!

2 - "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." - I can vouch that that does NOT matter!!! Not that I know or anything *wink*, but it actually cures headaches!


Nothing else to really say at the moment...maybe more later...not sure yet.
06:27pm 07/05/2003
mood: indifferent
music: Darryl Worley- I miss my friend
Yea, today has been....weird. I've been happy, angry, and sad all at the same time.

For example...something happened this evening *not going to mention what* and I got furious but at the same time....I wasn't really surprised so I was calm and angry at the same time. It's really weird.

I just want to get out of this house so I can have more freedom. I mean, yea I'll be working soon but that's not freedom, that's me needing to make some moola.

Rhiannon....you think that "dead" guy was cold? *wink*....HOW THE FUCK DID THAT LITTLE DUDE LIFT THE DEAD GUY INTO THE HEARSE!!!?!!!

hehehe, the mock DWI was pretty awesome;-) I think the college students really thought there was an accident the way they kept stopping to watch, don't you Brat? muahahahahaa
10:49am 07/05/2003
  not take a poo...but shit, I have to go to class!!  
10:39am 07/05/2003
mood: contemplative
Just got back from that DWI thing over at state...it was aight. I thought some of the college students walking by were going to ahve a heart attack cuz I don't think they announced that it would be going on.

Rhiannon's step dad came over after it was over and asked how they did..She was honest lol...told him they stood around laughing and talking like they hadn't seen each other in years some of them. Because they were supposed to act like it was a real accident.

A worm crawled on my foot when I was standing outside. I almost barfed.

This whole DWI thing made me wonder about the accident that my cousin got into the summer that I moved to NY...8 years ago. Because he was driving down the road with his girlfriend *also my cheerleading coaches sister* and I guess, becasue I don't really remember everything about it, that a car flew down the road at them and he swerved to miss it and ran into a tree. He died and she was in the hospital for a while. But I'm wondering if the other car was under the influence. Like, I don't remember the time of day it happened or exactly when cept that it was in the summer because it was about 2 weeks or so after we got here. I had met him like 2 or 3 times I think, but I don't remember it. And I still don't recall what he looks like except for the picture down by the gym that has him on the award for playing 3 sports thru out high school.

But on to a more positive note. I might have a date for prom. I had asked Alan, my ex, a while back if he wanted to go *as friends of course* because there was only one other person that I would rather go with and I can't. But he told me he didn't have the money and he might now. So it's still up in the air right now. I can't wait to find out. I don't want to go to prom without a date, and I couldn't ask this one other person becasue he has a crush on me and I don't feel the same about him and don't want to give him the wrong impression

gtg shit!
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10:36pm 04/05/2003
mood: confused
I almost did something really stupid last night. I'm sure I would have had I not went outside to smoke and calm down.

Everything is just so fucked up right now. I'm not sure I will ever be happy with my life. I always find a way to screw things up.

Not going to school tomorrow. Going to massena instead..just cuz.....plus I need shoes for work and Ian needs pants I guess.

No idea what time I'll go to bed....it's still undecided. Maybe I won't go to bed....it's easier to get up in the morning if you didn't sleep..I don't think I could sleep even if I tried..too stressed out about something..not in the mood to discuss..plus I just don't want everyone knowing EVERYTHING about my life.
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02:02pm 04/05/2003
mood: blank
BAD night last night. Very bad.

Rhiannon....you were drunk lol and I printed the convo we had:-p
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04:57pm 03/05/2003
mood: cranky
music: Bring It On Soundtrack - U.G.L.Y
Haven't done anything today. I stayed up last night until 5 in the morning and slept til 130 so I've only been up a few hours. And I'll just waste my day sitting at home and hope that I can get out of the house tongiht.

ARG! So boring

Orientation tomorrow for McD....blah

11:02pm 01/05/2003
mood: content
Figured I might as well write something in here today.

Coffehouse went well. I got to go up to Gabes room and steal..I'm sorry.."swipe" yogurt.

My knee started acting up again for some ungodly reason. Weather change I spose. It's doing better now.

Nothing else really to say. la.