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Another Broken Heart

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(Get Lost..)

Remember to breathe... [06 Sep 2003|12:41pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | Dashboard Confessional-Several Ways To Die Trying ]

I tried to post last week, really I did. And I was almost finished when my brother and sister in law decided to stop by for an unexpected visit. It sucked. They stayed here all weekend. So I didn't get much time to post.. But it sure has been a while. Things haven't been any better. Trust me i would love to post anything great and interesting in here.. There just isn't anything like that going on in my life.

School sucks. Of course. All I think about now is how I'm going to make it through 4 years at that damn school. The students there are RUTHLESS. No one cares about anyone but themselves. It's something I'm definitely going to have to get used to.. I got pulled out of French. Chris and Melody told me it was going to happen; I got put in Gifted Studies with them. It's now the only good class I have. We sit there, talk, race on the chairs with wheels, curse, eat, basically anything we want to do.. The teacher doesnt care. In fact, she joins us. I feel a little bad about leaving French. I had just started to make friends, I was given a nickname (shay shay.. Hey, I didnt say it was a good one), and I was starting to like a kid in there. Come to think of it, It's a wonderful thing I got pulled out when I did, if I had to see his colgate-white smile, bright eyes, and his perfectly spiked hair one more time during French conversation practices, I probably would've fallen deeper than I needed to. *phew*

I want to switch to a different English class. Up until this year, English was my favorite subject. I love to write crap. But my new teacher SUCKS. She is beyond rude.. She shouldn't even be teaching. And I can obviously tell she has it in for Walker student. The first day a group of us were in there, and she asked us what school we came from, she started acting meaner towards us than any other the kids. We got split up because 4 girls from Westridge keep making fun of us.. I don't see how splitting US up fixed the problem?.. Agh, she's just a bitch.

I need love. It's about time I just admit it. I see couples everywhere, and I think What am I doing wrong? Why can they do it... and I can't?.. It's a depressing thought. I'd do anything to find love. ANYTHING. Why is it that some people have guys/girls lined around the block just waiting to talk to them, and they're not even interested... But others spend so much time searching for anyone who understands and cares for them.. And they don't find a single person. It's not fair. And I'm starting to lose hope. I thought that maybe there was something there with Garvin.. But he's obviously not interested. Last week, he came over and we went the *farthest* we've ever gone.. It took a bit of courage for me to do what I did with him (especially since it was my first time doing that).. but because I (*cringes*) Love him, I did. Now I don't know if he was just doing it because he was bored, or because he actually feels the same. I feel used and ignored, and he couldn't care less. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend until the next day. Now I feel bad for the poor unsuspecting girl. This might just be the year I realize I don't need Garvin.

My grandmother is more than likely coming sometime this month... Must I say more?

Life does suck. Peter was right. All that time I spent trying to cheer him up, and talking like life was the best thing ever... Makes me sick just thinking about it. Egh. And I'm not going to be like one of those self-centered-woe-is-me-I'm-so-depressed-so-feel-sorry-for-me people. I know life sucks for EVERYONE. whethere they care to admit it or not. Everyone has something going on they wish they could erase.. or perhaps something in their past. Either way I know life isn't easy for anyone alive. But why do we bother anyway? We're eventually going to die, aren't we? Why do we suffer for so long to have everything we worked for come to an end? It's hopeless. No one wins. Money doesn't make the world go 'round, it's green paper. It means nothing to happiness, unless you're one of the shallow ones. Whatever. I don't really want to get into that right now.

So, I posted. Hopefully I will continue to do so. Until next time...

(1 Soul |+| Get Lost..)

sometimes all i really want to feel is love... [16 Aug 2003|05:03pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]
[ music | spongebob squarepants. ]

i feel bad for my blurty.i know it doesnt have feelings (of course), but i have been neglecting it..the previous post was not as detailed as i would've liked it to be..it was just an overview..but i guess i can post now about a few things.

back to the first day..it was very nerve-racking.i stepped out of the car with a feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me feel like i was going to puke.i saw garvin and the feeling didnt get any better..i got loads of butterflies.but i went and talked to him like normal.he looked beyond hott. ×yummy× is the only way to describe him...w0w..*clears throat*..anyway..yesterday (the 15th) was garvin's birthday.i was dissapointed when he didn't show up to school.but he came over in the afternoon :) shh.no one knows about that.i'd get in huge trouble if my mom found out that we were here with the whole house to ourselves.we had fun though..eek..i care for him so much...maybe too much?

i've decided not to drop french.i need a foreign language to pass so why not get it out of the way now?..i can always take BST later.

thelement started up wednesday.'bout time.wednesday nights are always the longest and most boring.it went pretty well..spent alot of time with peter and josh because hardly anyone went that night.garvin seemed to be in a good mood because he'd always smile at me.he took me home just because i didnt feel like having sam and patrick take me home late.he was talkative online (which he rarely ever is)..and he called me.he kept telling me he needed a girlfriend who cared for him like i did..i wonder if he expected me to say something (?) but i didn't know what to do.so i stayed quiet.i didnt ask him out, and he didnt ask me out..so i dont know..

i dont have the same feelings for carrie or peter as i had before..oh well, it's best since they both seemed like lost causes.

(Get Lost..)

the past few days [12 Aug 2003|10:57pm]
[ mood | chipper ]
[ music | TV ]

its been a while..but i've been busy.i'm sorry.school's started though..and yea this is just a sum up of everything from the last time i posted.


lets see..i went to church with brandon.all we did was sit, eat, and talk.thumbs up to that church. :) someone commented on how they were suprised i didnt melt when i walked in through the doors..i dont know what -that's- supposed to mean..but i found it pritty darn funny.(yes, i meant to spell pretty like that).

i got sick..it was crappy, of course.i dont think anyone enjoys being sick..and if anybody out there does..i bet they wouldve had a blast being me.i was puking, my stomach ached, my head was throbbing.horrible.

spent the last few days i had left of summer watching tv.my mom cancelled the internet for a while because i forgot to call my dad..what kind of fucked up reason is that?!..she came to her senses though, when she realized if she didnt keep the service, she'd never know if she got the jobs she applied to online.

billy elliot is now one of my favorite movies.it's hi-la-ri-ous for stupid reasons.i want to try and see it again before i have to take it back to the library.

and now..we're back to the present.school started.on the first day of school i woke up at 3 and couldnt get back to sleep..so that sucked..but it wasn't all i had hoped for, but than again that started happening once i left elementary.i met up with garvin at the front of the school, he looked lonely.lol.michael showed up not to soon after..and then..so did everyone else.stood in line for schedules for about an hour..and moved onto classes..we spent time listening to boring teachers drone on about school rules, classroom rules, dress code rules...rules rules rules.i started tuning them all out after first period lol.i think i was put in the (no offense) dumb science class.i think it's ms.raim's way of getting me back for hating her so openly.we played a matching game to find our seats..i felt like i was back in kindergarten.i suppose the only good thing about that class is that Danny (little jailbird) sits next to me and he's good for a few laughs.oui oui..i am now taking french!hoo ha!..i'm CONSIDERING dropping it for BST(?) i think it is..a class dedicated to doing stuff on the computer..and anyone who knows me..knows that that's my kind of class! which would explain why i got stuck with engineering tech.my favorite class though, (at this point in time) would have to be geometry.we listened to (kool) music..and not that classical crap every other teacher was playing.and we got to draw, and talk..a bit 1st grade..but hey, it's better than work :) .the first day of school wasnt so bad..i guess i just have to learn to stop complaining.

my mom let me drive home when she picked me up..ha..she still panics everytime i actually use the gas pedal..but i'm doing good.we went to the mall at cinemark and bought me some clothes.'bout time too!..and we also went to ross.i bought a real lava lamp! and not another cheap imitation.
i love my new lava lamp! too bad about what happened to it...

after we ate dinner and what not we went to target.my mom only wanted to spend time in the boys section looking for clothes for my brother because she was convinced i had enough clothes. :( not true...anyway..i took advantage of being there by picking up garvin's present and buying some yummy chocolate.and strangely enough, garvin's mom was our cashier.(it's her second job).i had a wonderful conversation with her about school and garvin (of course) and she told me about the *secrets* he has in store for him for his birthday...all i can say is, he's lucky.

finally came home at 7 and got to "relax"..though i dont think cleaning one's room is relaxing.hmph.got a bunch of calls from people wanting to talk about their first day..ah, there's nothing like the excitement of the first day of school.the only people who seemed to be online and able to talk were brandon, garvin, and james...woo..hoo...CRAP! the moment i plugged in my new lava lamp, the light bulb explodes.whoa, talk about bad luck.*sigh* i guess i'll have to buy a replacement bulb tomorrow.

second day of school, crap, so many days left.

it was back to the boringness of my horrible classes.the science teacher tried to do "brain excercises" with us.no lie.she was clapping and dancing and telling the class to get up and do them.1 person got up, and i think they only did it because they felt sorry for her.i was falling asleep in my seat.hopefully this class will be easy and i wont have to do much.

engineering technology is going well, we actually worked on something..not lame written work..but we had to work and find ways to move things across the floor with only 2 poles and rope.wee..it was fun-er than it sounds.lol.

bwa~ha~ha we started learning basic french.it's harder than i thought :( but i'm doing good..or so that lady tells me.andrew is getting his schedule changed.he was the only one i knew in that class, so yea..it'll be weird.

the global studies teacher seems to be trying too hard.he keeps stressing how much students can trust him..he kind of scares me though.thankfully lunch cuts through this class so i dont spend much time in there.

english.the one subject i was looking forward to, doesnt look like it'll be going well.the teacher turned out to be a bigger bitch than she came off as yesterday.now i'm dissapointed.the only people i know in that class that i'm willing to socialize with are anthoney and michael..i guess we got out of hand today because we are now in three different corners of the room.it's not my fault, we were just laughing, i didnt know there was anything wrong with that.

and we got to "goof off" once again in geometry.everyone in that class used to go to walker..so thats a little strange..(?)

w0w.i didnt do anything afterschool but take a nap.boring, but not really.lol.

i dont know if that will make sense..but oh well...gotsta go now.

(Get Lost..)

[× Life is fragile and absurd ×] [01 Aug 2003|10:17pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | afi-the leaving song part II ]

Been too lazy to post lately.I am making a horrible habit of skipping days...i havent been up to much anyway..

on wednesday i went up to walker (my old middle school) and helped brandon and ms.english move table and fix books and what not.ms.english is the new librarian so she was moving all her stuff in there.it was as good as it got that day.

yesterday was possibly the worst day i've had in a while.i helped my mom look for jobs online..she's tired of her old one, and it's about time, too.our search was unsuccessful..we got a letter in the mail..and in two weeks we'll be getting $800..that comes as a relief because we really need it to pay bills..and go back-2-school shopping.at about 4 i went to sarah's.i knew i should've stayed home..i was stuck talking to kaley because sarah and garvin were making out the whole time..i dont know how many people want to actually spend their day watching the guy they've had a crush on for the longest time..kiss someone else..i'm not one of them.everytime sarah leaned in for a kiss, garvin shot a look at me.i dont know what he was thinking...looking at me isnt going to prevent me from seeing them.i tried to avoid his eyes though, it was awkward.they broke up today..which is stupid.he's stupid.she's stupid.agh!

my lave lamp meleted :( . i dont know how..but it almost started a fire! i'm surprised i wasnt burned to death in my sleep...a towel nearby wasnt so lucky though.it has wholes burned in it all over.

oakridge orientation the 7th.i'm hoping brandon will come down and go with me..the only problem will be getting a ride back to apopka for him.eh i dont know..i just dont want to go alone.teachers seem to think students who are alone want to meet everyone they just dont have the guts...i dont want to meet anyone..i'm fine, thanks.

yahoo messenger is the shizzney! lol..never thought i'd be using that phrase.

well i hear my mom yelling..that means my time online is done.later.

(1 Soul |+| Get Lost..)

Popeye's chicken is the Shizzney! [27 Jul 2003|10:16pm]
[ mood | grumpy ]
[ music | nothing but the tv ]

..if you've seen Little Nicky than you know what i'm talking about in the subject line.if you havent..well, go see it..Hi-la-ri-ous movie.

how does time fly by so quickly?..and why is it i can't find time to post?!!..not that it matters, because this blurty is boring enough to have me as the only reader...but of course, nothing's new.Stuck in my own little world where time obviously freezes.huh, i wish i were as interesting as all the other people who have blurtys,deadjournals,livejournals, whatever.then i might have something to write about.

since i can not recall the past few days..i'll sum up today.

once again i got up late because i decided that 6 in the morning is a good time to go to bed.(i cant resist late night tv).got my mom to drive me to the library.i had 4 to return and i still have plenty left to read.ehhh.my mom had her heart set on pizza, so we headed down to pizza hut.for some reason she was being a complete bitch and she stormed out of there before we even got to order.i'm not even sure what happened, but i stayed behind and apologized to the poor guy who was now giving us funny looks.we drove around for the longest time..and eventually we stopped at a different "Hut" and ordered there.i wasnt even in the mood for pizza anymore..my mom managed to ruin my whole day.is it wrong to say that i am actually ashamed of my mom?..i dont even care if it is, because i am.

we got back home.ate.watched tv.and all of a sudden my mom rushed over and started talking to me in thats fake voice she uses when she tries to pretend like nothing is ever wrong.she proclaimed that today would be the day i would start learning to drive.and guess what i got to do..thats right, back out of the driveway..i've done that before!! i didnt learn a single thing!i'm ready to drive somewhere..maybe around the block?i dont know but i definitely wanted to go farther than my own driveway.

hm.i was certain that i was going to save this blurty for something much deeper than a place to type up what i did on a daily basis..but that's all i have right now.i dont exactly have words to explain whats going on in my head..hopeless...i'm hopeless.

(Get Lost..)

It's a secret no one tells...One day it's heaven, one day it's hell. [21 Jul 2003|10:51pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]
[ music | .......... ]

eh..another boring day.i seem to be forgetting to post lately.oh well.not like i have anything to talk about.i have no idea why i have two journals..yet absolutely nothing to write about.

i got up late today because i've been staying up as long as i can at night.i probably shouldnt do that anymore, in the morning my body aches for some reason..

i might be going to the Trapt concert on the 3rd of August with Garvin.details are skeptical though.i'm not sure if i would rather go to that concert or Chevelle...the concert tix are sort of a birthday present for Garvin.jeez, i'm lame.

i got a phone call tonight..some girl was asking me if i was gay because her friend liked me.stupid things like this are starting to piss me off.

anyway..i'm gonna go now.i had nothing to post about in the first place but i thought i would come and let whoever the hell reads this thing that i am alive.alrighty then.bye.

(Get Lost..)

i know, i know..it's been a while. [18 Jul 2003|10:04pm]
[ mood | loved ]
[ music | thundering...o0! ]

so sorry for the lack of posts.i havent had much time to type up crap.well, i've had plenty of time..just haven't sat down and collected my thoughts in order to update.

my birthday came and went, and i was in the same crappy mood as always.why can nothing go my way?..why not even on my birthday?..i invited garvin to come over and maybe go see a movie.he was all up for it, until his *best friend* robert called and told him he was going to come over.so garvin declined my invite, and did not come to my house.brandon did however.we spent the day walking around the mall..and we saw bruce almighty.some nasty guy gave me his number, which i lost when i got home.at least i have a real reason for not calling him..even though i was going to make up an excuse anyway.he works at the mall..which is horrible.i hope i never see him again..and if i do, i hope he doesnt remember me!!..so my birthday didn't go as planned, but i suppose it went well.my dad called me and sung happy birthday to me.i was on the verge of tears when he talked to me.this man deserted us a while back, but he still remembers days of importance..well, they're important to us.i ×miss× him.

the last couple of days have been BORING.of course, the whole summer has been.i'm old enough now for a job, i'm just too fucking lazy.i want to get tickets to the Trapt concert, and this j-o-b option seems to be the only way i'll get the money in time.

<3 this made my day...

Garvin: u kno what?
Me: what
Garvin: ure the most generous person i no
Me: i am?
Garvin: yes
Me: thank you garvin :-)
Garvin: u always do things for other people
Garvin: :-)
Me: lol

w0w.i hope he was being truthful.maybe i'm more to him than some stupid girl that has a crush on him.*pouts*..i reeeeally hope so.

i hacked into Amber Kunt-ster's screen name last night.i hate her so bad.but i am the master!! that makes 6 screen names i've gotten into. :) i know what i want to be when i 'grow up'.

so..i dunno.i think i'm going to go.it's storming like crazy.and as much as i would love to stay here and type, i do not wish to be bar-b-qued..not tonight, at least.

(Get Lost..)

you're such a comfortable liar.. [14 Jul 2003|09:15pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | chevelle-comforable liar ]

ok.so things have been pretty weird lately.what makes me think things will ever be ok!?why did i believe that everything was going to go my way for once..and i was going to be happy!?i hate my high hopes..what the hell is wrong with me. :( maybe i should explain..

yesterday was my mom's birthday.hoorah for her.my brother and sister-in-law who i truely hate and despise, came over for a quaint little visit.heh, that sucked.they got me a cd for my birthday, let me pick it out.finally, something they did right.i got AFI. :)

they left late last night, but at least they left and didnt decide to stay for my birthday. *phew*. anyway..now im trying to find out what i want to do tomorrow.since we're too low on money right now, a party is out of the question.so my compromisable little heart is set on going to the movies and the mall.i know for sure brandon is coming, as long as his grandma is still bring him over.and i asked garvin, but i probably shouldnt.he said he would see if he could come but i know i was stupid to expect him to even consider it.i'm scared to IM him or call because i dont want to seem too desperate.ugh im so stupid.i'm just going to ignore him and then tomorrow just forget i even asked.i'm such an idiot.

now i feel weird.i was so happy when garvin was talking to me online..and when he said "luv u" right before i signed off.but the more i think about my stupidity of actually getting enough courage up to ask him to go to the movies makes me feel worse and worse.there are all these evil little butterflies in my stomach..not the good ones, but the ones that make it seem like i'm about to puke. :(

sorry, i cant finish posting.i'm shaking for some reason, and i'm not cold.my heart is beating somewhere in my throat.i feel emotionally and physically sick, and i have no idea why.i'll try and post tomorrow, on the horrible day, also known as my birthday.i'll be sure to invite you how horrible it was to not even get a phone call from garvin, the one i obviously still have so many feelings for, and what a crappy day it turns out to be.

(Get Lost..)

i could use a bunch of chocolate and a nice pair of comfy sweatpants. [12 Jul 2003|01:09pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | Foo Fighters-Low ]

egh.got my period today.i hate my monthly visitor..oi, words cant even express such hatred.i woke up at 7:30 with sharp, stabbing pains in my stomach.this wasnt at all plesant. one, because i had gone to sleep around 4 in the morning because i wanted so much to continue reading the fourth harry potter book (once again, i am aware of my total dorkiness) so waking up 3 hours later wasnt all that great.and two, those stomach cramps hurt like hell!it's things like this that make me wish i were a guy.

looking forward to another boring day.i cant stand how everyone on my buddy list has away messages that say something about going out with friends, or waiting for people to come over, and things of the sort.it pisses me off that i dont have that.so instead, while everyone has happy away messages about how they cant wait to meet up with their friends and "find hot guys at the mall" my away message simply says "dont worry about me.i'm just another teenage suicide statistic."..great isnt it? i thought of it myself, which was probably obvious.

brandon and i are talking again.finally, i hope he doesnt plan on exploding again anytime soon because i really need someone to talk to, desperately.

my mom was given the day off on my birthday.maybe it wont be as bad as i'm dreading.evern though i would much rather have friends to spend the day with, it looks as if i'll be going to the mall and the movies with my mom.*sigh*.

agh!! i hate garvin.i cant stand him!!..even though i know i love him with all my heart.jeez, talk about a love-hate relationship.he's such a "player".you have no idea how much i want to get on with my life!i do not enjoy any of this shit garvin is putting me through.i got on his screen name (shh. he doesnt know i remembered the password) and there were all these girls that imed him (me) saying "hey baby" or asking him if he liked them and all this other crap.in a way i feel horrible for all those other girls (even though i hate them for obviously getting along so well with garvin) because they too were stupid enough to fall for a guy like him.but no matter how many girls come forward and say that they feel in love with garvin..i know i was the dumbest on of all, and i fell so much deeper.Oi.

ok, well i think i have a handle on a joyful outlook on crap.even though i'm constantly torn down by shit, i'm done acting sorry for myself.everyone in life has hard times, eventually all blows over, right?

i found this little poem (i guess you can call it) in some girl's profile.i liked it...

Life is abstruse.Its funny how you can think you know someone and then realize you dont really know them at all...or how much you think someone cares about you one day, and then the next its as if you two never saw each other before..or like when two people want to be together but never seem to actually find each other, even if theyre right in front of them and see one another every day...but you know what the most disturbing part is?...its that some people find love without even trying and then theres others..who can never seem to find love at all and try looking, reaching, and waiting for what seems like forever

(Get Lost..)

..you're living like a disaster.. [10 Jul 2003|05:28pm]
[ mood | morose ]
[ music | jack off jill-strawberry gashes ]

so, no surprise.things in life have been moving down hill.i swear if i continue to have to put up with so much shit i'm going to be dead before i turn 18.

crystal's gone and opened her mouth, like i knew she eventually would.she told a whole bunch of people that i was "gay" and had asked her out..she even had the nerve to say she was never going to talk to me again!ugh!what she said isnt at all true.the little whore's probably just pissed that i said i'd never go out with her.i have no idea what to do about this situation.i wasnt planning on telling everyone i am bi just yet..maybe the fact that crystal's such a fucking liar will help me out.i'm glad that jessi and garvin came and told me what she said.fucking bitch.should i confront her and yell tell my throat is sore?should i just ignore her? i have no idea what i'm going to do.she's always talking shit but this is just beyond..agh! i dont know.i'm kind of scared because i'm not sure if people believed her or not.jeez, i used to hate her before..now i loathe her.

ok..so i've been talking to garvin a bit lately.i'm pleased.except that at times it seems he's kind of annoyed.this boy has given me so much heart ache and pain in the past i think i'm going to pull my self back, be content being olny friends, and maybe find someone else.heh.i shouldve realized what i needed to do, a while ago.

i dont know where my head's at right now.words fill my head but i cant find any to explain how i feel right now.

i've been having trouble sleeping lately.i lied awake in bed last night just thinking.i started crying.mainly because of this empty feeling that wont leave me.i feel lonlier than ever, and i wonder if anyone i know understands.i'm not going to be able to say "i need a friend" enough..until i have actually found one.no!better yet i need something to keep me busy for so long i wont notice how lonely and in desperate need of company i am.its the perfect solution..i cant get in fights with a hobby..its impossible for a hobby to be mad at me for something stupid!i'll fill my whole life with this one activity that nothing else will matter.now i wish i was good at something.but everything i try to do i successfully fail at.which is a wonderful way of looking at it...i successfully fail.perfect.

i remember when i went to tia's surprise birthday party..how happy and shocked she was that all her friends had shown up, showering her with gifts.everyone laughing, thrilled to be friends with the birthday girl..then i realize how different her birthday was from how mine's going to be.i have no friends who would want to come over.no one who'd be willing to spend their money on me..eh.i'll be lucky if my mom decides to buy me a gift.since she couldnt even get that day off.oh well, i have me,myself,and i to keep me company.oh, what a fun bunch.

i think..i'm going to go now.

(Get Lost..)

its like 10,000 spoons, when all you need is a knife. [08 Jul 2003|08:46pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | alanis morissette-isnt it ironic ]

my computer's being painfully slow.it's really beginning to annoy me.all i have is a bowl of cookiez n cream ice cream and a playlist full of depressing songs i know all too well.i've done nothing all day.didnt even get up enough energy to go to crystal's.oh well, she came over and ruined my day anyway.came and told me everything that happened yesterday while garvin was over there.how he and jessi just couldnt stay off each other and were kissing all day.it isn't fair.jessi is still going out with peter, and she's over there fooling with garvin.it's funny how those are the only 2 guys i like, and she can have them both.well, thats just my luck.and to think i felt sort of special while garvin looked right into my eyes.if only i had been aware of what he had done earlier.

i supposed everyone is right, garvin thinks of no one but himself, and he acts before thinking.no one knows how much better my life could be if i were to get over him more than i do.i hate having feelings for him, he knows it.yet he uses me for things.

right now i want nothing more than to go to my room and cry til my eyes are blood shot.its what i do.and if i try to deal with pain other than by crying, its through music.i just think i could feel so much more relief by crying, just for today.

anyway..i'm done for today..

(Get Lost..)

cuz you're all i want, you're all i need, you are everything...everything [08 Jul 2003|11:32am]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | lifehouse-everything ]

i'm sorta pissed at my computer.last night i stayed on to type up a really long post, but when i pressed the "update journal" button..it all got deleted.pftt, that hasnt happened to me for a while.but moving on..i guess i should just post what i wouldve posted last night..

let's see, nothing new lately.of course not, that's been my whole summer.a long line of monotonous days.no different yesterday.i sat around and rotted my brain by watching too much tv.i'm not even sure what i was watching, now that i think about it.i was just staring at the screen.i got online quite early because my mom wanted me to look up someone on the white pages website.my mom's friend is suspicious that her husband is cheating on her.*sigh*.so of course i get stuck being the one to have to look up everything.my mom is going over there next sunday so they can call the supposed lover.lol.it's like some cheesy tv show gone wrong.

hell, yesterday i even read some of my harry potter book.i'll admit it, when it comes to harry potter, my dorky side takes over.i wouldnt be dumb enough to go around collecting the trading cards, or buying the little action sets..but i love the books.for some reason, i just love the books.

somewhere around 3 in the afternoon i saw garvin and robert walking past my house.my heart skipped a beat, to tell you the truth.i guess i wasnt as over garvin as i thought i was.i got all shaky, and clumsy just at the mere sight of him.i started sitting on the couch next to the window with hopes that i might catch him walking by again.he never did.i felt dissapointed.of course i wouldve given anything to have them come visit me, instead of someone else for a change.crystal lives right next door, why couldnt they just swing by on their way over to her house?at 8 i assumed garvin had left crystal's house, so i called her.carolyn, her sister answered the phone and told me that crystal was jumping on the trampoline..with garvin..she said it in a cocky little voice.ok, so it's no secret i like the boy.i slumped down in front of the computer and decided it'd be best just to try and forget about him because he obviously didnt want to come over.not long after, both garvin and crystal, along with carolyn and coleen, showed up at my door.i went from depressed to ecstatic in seconds, just because they were standing there (garvin in particular).they came inside for drinks and i couldnt have been happier.at around 9 we set out to walk around the neighborhood.my brother wanted to come, but he was obviously shooed away.we were a few houses down the block when crystal pulled out a pack of cigaretts.garvin kept offering me some, because he saw me eyeing them curiously.he said it took a strong-willed person to actually keep saying no..guess i wasnt as strong-willed as he thought, because i smoked one eventually.heh.peer pressure's a bitch.

when we got back my mom was driving quickly out of the driveway.the three of us ran to my house.my mom went driving around the block, searching for us.when she got back she started yelling at me.we all lied and said we had been at crystal's and not walking around the block.i got to sit there and take in the yelling, while garvin and crystal laughed.i realized later how much worse it couldve been if my mom had caught us smoking.phew.

waiting outside for garvin's dad to pick him up was the best 20 minutes of my whole summer.he sat next to me and we talked about various things.crystal was on the phone, on the other side of the car, so she wasnt bugging us.he now knows i still like him.i think a little hint he took was when he said one day he was going to rape me, and i replied with "it's not called rape if i'm willing".lol.after a while of a sort of soothing silence, he asked a question that really startled me.apparently, crystal told garvin that i had asked her out.that wasnt at all the case, she was asking me the night before, if i'd ever go out with her and i told her that no, i probably wouldnt.i wasnt going to lie to her.but she turned the story around.after i explained that much to garvin he asked if i was bi.i had told him before, but he's obviously a little forgetful.he didnt seem shocked or disgusted, he remained the same.i shouldve asked him what he thought of it (not that his opinion would have any influence,but just to know how he felt about the situation).when garvin's dad showed up, garvin surprised me and leaned in for a hug.i havent felt his arms around me in so long.i was happy, i think i really was.it just sucked that he had to leave.i guess i wasnt as sure as i thought i was about being over garvin.but i think now i can understand him and the relationship i have with him with more maturity.and if we dont end up together..eventually..i'll find someone.

so that was my day.i wish it would turn out the same today, but by the looks of it, garvin will be spending his day with tia, his ex-girlfriend.*sigh* i never stay happy for longer than a few hours.

so, today..i might as well get comfortable at home because it's where i'm staying.unless i go to crystal's and jump on the trampoline or something..maybe go swimming.eh.

(Get Lost..)

i live for loving you [06 Jul 2003|10:02pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | fuck..for once my house is silent ]

havent posted in a while.i know i should be writing in this thing more, for my own sake..i know no one reads this thing.hm.well lets see.i've been bored out of my fucking mind the past week, nothing to do.the only thing that keeps me hopeful is my birthday coming up.i shouldnt expect too much though, i know there isnt going to be anything out of the ordinary that day.my mom's working, my brother's going to be absorbed into playing his playstation.i have no more friends left..so basically, i'll be spending my day alone.

which is something that probably affected me more than i thought it would, losing the last real friend i thought i had.apparently, from what he told me, brandon had been bottling up tons of anger and hatred towards me.he was saying all this shit about how i always got mad at every single thing he did, which isnt at all true.i got angry when he never listened to me on the phone, yet expected me to listen to him, he wanted me to stay on top of everything, when he, himself, didnt care about what was going on.i did what any normal person would've done.shut up until i got mad.so the one time i tell him it bugs me when he does those things, he explodes.when i told him he was the only friend i had left, which was unfortunately true...he told me to stop being so "wishy washy"..ok.fine.it's not like i expected brandon to stay in touch when he moved to apopka, anyway.he'd find new friends, he'd move on, it just happened sooner than later.now i'm more alone then ever.

i'm not sure if i've commited the biggest mistake in telling crystal i'm bi.i suspect that she's bi, if not lez, herself.though she wont admit to it, she's asking girls out.i dont care anyway.i dont fancy her too much.she's loud and annoying and never gives me a second to breathe when she's around.thinking about people like her just makes me wish i could get locked in a room by myself for the rest of my life.i guess i dont really care anymore.tell the whole world..i'm bi...so?

i'm glad.i havent cried in a long time, even if there is so much crap that i could be feeling crappy about.well, i guess that's a bad thing.because eventually, eveyone breaks down.and i would much rather have it be when i'm behind closed doors.alone.in my room, than at school when someone directs a stupid comment at me and i cry..not because their words hurt me, but because it was the last thing i needed on top of everything.it's happened more than it had to at walker.i dont want to be seen like that at my new highschool.

my mom's been screaming so much these days.i wish i was strong enough to just tell her to shut up.being told i'm stupid,a mistake,a screw up,and so on..isnt my idea of a spirit lifter.i wonder where i put my bike..one day i'm going to leave home..and maybe never come back.i know people have told me i wouldnt ever dare..but no one knows..they have no idea how i feel.maybe i'm a bit melodramatic.but i dont care what people have to say anymore.it shouldnt matter since i'm going to try to get along without having to depend on someone.

(Get Lost..)

so give me all your fear.throw it all away.think about the good things no matter what they say. [01 Jul 2003|10:00pm]
[ mood | weird ]
[ music | Cradle Of Filth ]

i wish i was someone else, for just a day, so i could yell at myself for being such an idiot.for rambling on about the horrible things in life without giving thought to the good.i've gotten it before, and i'm sure to get it again.no worries though, i'm used to it.

i talked to a few of my friends from middle school.it's been a while.i realized how much i miss being with them..seeing them..just hanging out.we're never going to have that again.i'm glad that everything is going so well for everyone, even when it's not for me.they've made new friends.soon we wont even talk anymore.it's how it always happens.

last day of summer school, today.i wonder if its the last day i'll ever see peter again.he's been, in a way, so different lately.i caught him staring at me before school.i wonder if maybe..no.i shouldnt get my hopes up.he has a girlfriend, he wouldnt be interested.well, it's all the same to me..i bet we wont even have any classes together during the school year.

i got one kiss from carrie before the end of the day.i'm sure it's the last one.i should just move on.

i'm going to the mall tomorrow.my mom wants to spend time with me.i dont see why though, we always end up fighting.anyway..she wants to buy me some clothes.about time too, i've been living on 3 pairs of jeans and about 5 shirts.but i dont ask for more.we're low on money right now.

my body started aching today.not in a hurt way, but in a begging form.as weird as this may sound, i think my body is actually pleading to be cut.i want to cut.it's some psycho feeling i cant control.i joke around alot, but i actually think i'm insane for feeling this way about something i should be able to control..and i might just be in some desperate need of some help.maybe i can please my aches with a small cut..it doesnt even have to be deep..somewhere on stomach, or thigh..someplace where others cant see it..maybe i'll be able to sleep tonight if i just do it..

some how i know there's more to life than this...

(Get Lost..)

sometimes..i wish i was brave. i wish was stronger.i wish i could feel no pain.. [30 Jun 2003|09:12pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | Metallica-Sad But True ]

i think i'd be willing to give anything to have something interesting happen in my day.the days blur together in my mind because everything feels the same.nothing out of the ordinary ever happens.

because i'm a stupid dumb fuck, today was not the last day of summer school for me.dont get me wrong, my A is high enough to not have to show up tomorrow, but i'm a retard who's going anyway simply because i have nothing better to do.at least after tomorrow, i will be spending my days at home until school starts again in the fall.i am hoping things are much different from how they are now.i dont think i'd be able to get through a whole year of what i'm going through.i sat during lunch, just staring across the table.4 empty chairs faced me.i looked around the lunchroom and everyone had someone.as stupid as i may sound, i felt like crying.is there something wrong with me?why does everyone act so indifferent towards me?i complain too much, i suppose the thing i would have to do is walk up to someone, introduce myself, and make new friends.i'm too anti social for that..if people dont walk up to me i dont bother.maybe it doesnt matter.i'll have to get used to being alone sometime in life.i should just begin adjusting now.

i had a moment with carrie a bit after lunch.she's having trouble with her boyfriend.i didnt really have much to say, so i sat there thinking.acting as the friend who's there to listen.she said time and time again that she doesnt like him anymore.i couldnt help but to think within myself, how can someone change the way they feel so suddenly?i dont talk much to andrew, her boyfriend, but i can tell just by looking at him that he cares for her alot.i would love to have someone look at me in the way he looks at her, with such interest and concern.i guess i wouldnt know what it's like to be in her position, seeing how i've never had anyone feel that way about me.edwin began hitting on carrie the moment he heard her careless remark.i can't say i didnt feel a hint of jealousy, but i wasnt about to go and tell carrie how i feel about her.even though i think she already knows.

i was unfortunate enough to witness Peter and Jessi's first kiss as a couple.i'm not sure if i actually feel the way i thought about Peter.when we walked home and he talked about Jessi, i felt so much more sure that the "friends line" would never be crossed.and right now i'm not sure if that actually matters or not.perhaps Peter was a desperate answer.i thought he could be the one who cared enough, but maybe he wasnt, and isnt going to be.and i'm not sure whether that bugs me or not.

everytime Garvin signs on, and my buddylists flashes, a rush goes through my head, through my stomach, even my heart.i want to IM him.i want to talk to him more than ever now.it'd be a worthless attempt if i did.i need to forget about him.put him out of my mind.it feels like years since we talked, but its been but a couple of weeks.i dont care..he's an asshole anyway.but i know that he doesnt mean to be.he just makes it too hard to feel anything for him.

i havent cut myself in a while.and i couldnt be any more proud of myself.the "Die" i carved into my leg is still fresh, and all too visible.i want to stop..and never resort to cutting again.but then what have i got left?

Am i the only one who takes the words "I love you" seriously?I hear girls saying it to random guys, guys using it as an excuse not to get slapped after they've made some rude comment about a girl, and crap like that. i cant even say "i love you" to my own friends..to me, those words me so much more than can imagined.For me to be able to spit those 3 words out i would have to feel strongly about that person..and i've only found one so far.i feel sick to my stomach if someone were to say it to me and expect it said back, when i dont feel that way..i guess i'm just weird that way..and take it way too seriously

i wish it were easy for me to put into words everything i feel..but what i want to say just doesnt come out the way i want it to.all this shit i've been through shouldve made me into a stronger person.but i'm afraid it's made me worse..weaker..maybe a bit fearful.i want to find a way to live my life thats to my liking.until then, i'm stuck like this..and i should probably try to make it the best i can...eh.

(Get Lost..)

time's moving forward.i'm getting bored laying on my back, i'm loosing track. [29 Jun 2003|10:57pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | Unwritten Law-Teenage Suicide ]

well let's see.things in life have been moving so slow.summer school isnt helping either.even though i am keeping busy, i'm a bit distraught.everyone is surrounded by friends, or aqquaintances they have to talk to.i have no one.i tend to have more time to myself to think of just how pathetic i am.and it wouldnt be so bad if i didnt feel sorry for myself.but i do..for some reason i do.i feel stupid in doing so because no one else cares about me.if i were to be gone tomorrow, no one's life would be affected..i dont even think anyone would notice.i remember when i used to mean something to people.my parents tried their hardest to keep up with me, i was always surrounded with friends, i even had a boyfriend now and then.but through time i've forgotten what it's like to be cared for.to be loved.i wonder if i've even experienced love myself.i've forgotten what having a real friend feels like.the one i could whisper secrets to, knowing theyd be safe.the one i'd get in trouble with because we would be inseparable..but i guess i've isolated myself.in my own way.and its only because no one understands me.and it makes sense that they dont because instead of taking the time to listen, everyone seems determined to talk only about themselves.

now let's see..the closest i think i've gotten to love is Garvin.i dont know what it was about him that i liked so much, and perhaps continue to.but it's stupid of me to care when all he's ever done is toy with my me.i believed his lies..and i fell.thinking about it now i realize how gullible and blind i was.i treated him the best i could and i got stepped on the whole time.he never hinted he cared, but i tried anyway.it would be even dumber of me to say that i hate him, because i, myself, know that isnt true.a small part of me still doesnt understand what he did, and continues to feel strongly about him.i dont know what it's going to take for me to completely comprehend all this.

i'm at a point in life where i'm as confused about love as i'll ever be.there's both, a guy and a girl, that i care about.but i'm so insecure i cant do anything about it.In Carrie's eyes, i'm invisible.She tends to look right past me in every situation.it wouldnt bug me so much if she didnt change her mind so often.she'll kiss me and only talk to me..but later on not even answer when i say hi.these desires to be with her are driving me insane, and even worse, the fact that she tends to deviate away from me so often...Then there's Peter.He's such a nice guy in every possible way.I can talk to him with ease, without worrying about putting on a front.It just worries me that i dont think he'll ever be able to look at me and see someone that could be more than a friend.He's so kind i dont know what to think.Maybe he was just raised that way, and its just in my head that everything he says is said specially to impress me.But why would he want to do that..it is me, after all.

Don't even ask about my parents..i wouldnt be able to answer even if i tried.The family fell apart so long ago.i can barely remember us being together.

Happiness was left in the past for me.The last sincere smile that spread across my face was long before i could remember.now i hide myself behind a mask.and behind it, there's nothing more than feelings of emptiness and loneliness...i'd give anything for someone to help me.

(Get Lost..)

if i dont make it known that i loved you all along... [29 Jun 2003|09:51pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | Our Lady Peace-4 am ]

i had to start over, with a new blurty.for some reason the other one just seemed so unsafe..not that this one is top secret and what not.of course, by getting a blurty, i am, in my own way, saying that my deadjournal is no longer useful to keep my inner most thoughts and things i cant tell anyone.but no matter.i will continue to post in my deadjournal..just not all i want to say.

so..this being the first post, i'm not going to bother about explaining today.i have many days where nothing happens, and i guess it'd be best if i didnt waste time and space posting about them.

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