[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Thursday, October 20th, 2005|
Alright, let's talk about this a little. Mike was using those magic fingers the other night, and BAM, it hit me like a fucking gunshot.
I think I might be getting into that dangerous territory where I'm content to just be his "friend" with benefits. He met Jen and Dana the other night, and it really made me happy that they all got along. The Krandels liked Mike, and Mike thought they were adorable.
|Friday, February 4th, 2005|
Yesterday, I could've kissed Brian. Both of them, actually. Brian Muller because he is so damn sweet(my tongue would've been down his throat, though) and Brian Tumulty because he is probably the best friend I have.(No, the tongue would've stayed in that time. He's gay.)
I have to work, meaning I miss Brian M. Again. I've only see him twice this week.
When I think about Brian M, things seem to wrong, but when I'm with him, I feel perfectly comfortable. Thing is, I need to get laid before I go out nwith him. He thinks I'm not a virgin--what a surprise! (Sorry babe--I just never got around to it!)
This is a confusing post. Reminiscent of How Stella Got Her Groove Back and Moulin Rouge, it seems we're an unlikely pair. He is 23 years older than me, BTW. Maybe I'll just go on a road trip or something that will last all summer and I won't have to deal with telling him no. But damn, I want to say yes.
|Thursday, January 27th, 2005|
A few things have happened this week that bear some importance in my life.
1. On Wednesday my cell phone finally came in the mail, and it is wonderful. It takes pictures, has internet access and a plethora of other cool features I will no doubt discover in time.
2. I took my English and gym final today. What a waste of time. I wish they would send our finals in the mail to us so we could send them in. I felt no reason to be in school for two hours. Tomorrow will be worse, only one hour.
3. After finals, we will head to Boaz's house to watch The Godfather II, then Star Wars.
And now, some complaints. I dearly love those. Hah!
1. At first I was happy I started my period today. I don't like waiting for it, being scared it will start when I'm on a bus or something. But by the time I took my Block B final, I was dying. For the next two hours, my uterus was shivering like a motherfucker. I wondered if it would be even more painful to be in labor, and I suddenly didn't want kids anymore. Then I fell asleep and when I woke up at 4:30, the pain was gone. Sadly though, it returned, despite the massive amounts of medication I took. I wonder if my mom would panic if I asked for birth control, seeing as how it practically eliminates a period altogether. Maybe I'll just wait until I'm 18.
2. I'm feeling sick and tired of myself and being lonely and HATING THE TWO ESSAYS I HAVE TO WRITE FOR MY STUPID CLASSES THAT DON'T EVEN MATTER BECAUSE I'M GOING TO CCAC.
3. I never see Belloma. She's either working or with Boaz. Damn 'gina, I need to talk to you.
But some good things also:
1. My period means I'm not pregnant. (also that I'm not having sex...but I'll worry about that when I find a new boytoy.)
2. Amanda just offered me a ride to school tomorrow morning. Yay!
3. My brother is letting me use his computer.
4. My cell phone is wonderful!
5. Next semester I have only one academic class.
6. I was the first person my Dad called on his brand new cell phone. How lucky!
7. I could potentially have an affair with my bus driver.
8. Gerard Butler is the SEXIEST MOTHERFUCKING MAN EVER! When I saw the Phantom, I almost creamed my pants. What a sexy, predatory man. If he was a whore in Pittsburgh, I would pick him up immediately.
9. I'm starting to feel better about myself already with this list.
10. Oh yay, the power of a happy list!
11. I have good friends. I need to see them more, but they are good.
12. I'm going to be hitting Gillian Goldberg tomorrow if she starts to be irritating during the movie. That is always a good thing to do, that woman takes herself too seriously.
13. Work is awesome. Jason, the hot man, hit on me a little. He asked when I was turning 18 after commenting on my hotness while reading a newspaper.
14. I'm going to Ireland in 6 months.
15. I'll have my license soon.
16. My mom is really pretty.
17. The cold weather isn't so bad, when you have good friends.
18. My work uniform is really cute. The more I think about it, the more I like it. It makes me seem a lot more older and dignified than I really am.
20. We're off school on Monday and Tuesday.
21. The new fashionable skirts for spring are my absolute favorites. Oh, heaven! Oh Joy, they are so lovely it makes me hurt with wanting.
22. I'm going to work tomrrow.
23. My wallet is nice and fat with Jeffersons, Lincolns, Washingtons and Harrisons(he's a 10, right?)
24. I'm wearing my ugliest, yet most comfortable pajamas.
25. My dogs really like me.
26. I am full of love for everything in the world right now except for the cold weather. Yeah, I hate that, but hating it makes me happy too.
27. Ireland exists.
28. My friends have the best love stories.
29. I just took a picture of myself smiling with my new camera phone.(score! I didn't even pay for it!)
30. I'm done with this list. Now I'm going to read it again to be even better.
|Thursday, November 18th, 2004|
There is a time and a place for everything--I believe that, it supports the idea of karma. I don't think this is my time to have sex, or my place. I'm happier being intact, enjoy things more when I'm not worried about what people think of me.
On the other hand, everyone I know practically is not a virgin. It's insane--people automatically assume that I'm not. Why? I flirt, I suppose. Too much? That's debateable.
However: I am done with it all. I will not worry about who it goes to, as long as I love them.
Zach Seleckman intrigues me. He really does. Today in gym, I was sort of lying down against the wall, and my knee was propped up. He sat next to me and leaned his arm on my knee and was tapping my leg sort of. I said, "Hey Zach, are you playing piano or something?"
He said, "Yeah," and it tickled as he played, so I laughed a bit and he said, "The music it makes if you laughing."
What kind of girl can REFUSE that? I asked him to watch Napoleon Dynamite with me sometime. He said yes. Zach has pretty eyes. He's taller than Jeff, but not as solid. Not nearly as solid, but that doesn't matter so much anymore.
|Thursday, September 16th, 2004|
The scent of autumn wafted into the house, winter would follow soon. The yearly cycle was a relief to the people of Marionville, Georgia. The huge houses would moan and sigh, protesting the weather, but soon they would fall silent and peaceful, adjusting as they always did. The homes were like the people: constant, old-fashioned and aloof.
Each of the thirty old plantation homes of Marionville was well over a hundred years old, one of the first settlements in the south after colonization. And they all came complete with a soft-spoken family, a cemetary and a family servant that devoted their lives to the family and home as if God had forced them to sign a contract of indentured servitude before they had even been born.
Lola was the large mulatto woman who had been patting the backs of colicky babies, sweeping dusty corners and looking away at the indiscreet(at least to her) comings and goings of the teenage children, visiting sweethearts.
She was also there when those same children married, listened to their lovemaking in the bedroom upstairs and when the young, frightened wives needed the hand of a mulatto to squeeze. In Marionville, a mulatto was the most comforting sight for the people when they were at their lowest. Often, they had been tended more by mulattos than their own mothers, who cried out for the same form of attention.
Lola was nearing her sixtieth birthday and had been brewing various poultices, potions and remedies for the family since she was ten years old.Her first Young Miss was now forty herself and beginning to feel old age, and the current Young Miss was about to become a Young Ma'am.
Simone Barbareaux was going to marry Thomas Colville in the morning, and Lola could hear Simone stirring upstairs. She would be slipping out to the barn now, where the stableboy lived. Peter was sixteen, and Simone had caught his eye a few months ago, trying to think of herself as a sweet coquette once more, and not a young lady about to be married to the love of her life.
LOoa sighed and shuffled into the kitchen, readying the brew that would render Miss Simone from becoming pregnant. She would serve it to her tomorrow morning in her tea, and none would be the wiser. Lola had a reputation to keep, and if Rosie down the road a few miles heard of Miss Simone being in the family way, Lola wouldn't have any ammunition against the younger and more resilient woman. Rosie was the daughter of the recently deceased Big Rose, a formidable woman who had been good friends with Lola's own mother.
Miss Simone was coming down the stairs now. Lola backed into a corner and with one blink of her eyes, cast a veil around herself. Miss Simone poked her pretty dark head into the kitchen, and satisfied, ducked out of the backdoor, leaving it open a tad so she could come back inside without disturbing anyone.
Lola knew what Peter was doing, grooming Miss Simone's pretty gray mare, hoping she would come, pretending the mare's sleek withers were Simone's own thighs. Lola blinked again, and she could now see her reflection in the polished pots and pans hanging on the kitchen wall.
She sat down at the chair and began sorting her herbs. When that was done, she started a pot of water to boil. While waiting for the bubbles to appear, she cleared her mind and concentrated on Miss Simone.
Simmone crossed the yard silently, the chilly night making her hair stand on end. Peter stood in the doorway, waiting for her, she knew. She went to him, and offered her ahdn in supplication. Peter didn't speak, just pulled her inside.
Peter had tumbled a few girls in other towns before, but Simone had been the most beautiful and refined. Peter was a long, muscled boy who spoke more easily to horses than he did to his own kind, black or white. Peter was a mulatto, but could easily pass for white, which was how he had gotten this position. Lola in the house knew, but then Peter suspected she knew everything that went on in the Barbareaux home.
Simone kissed him delicately, and Peter felt swept away on a breeze of fifty thousand dazzling red and black butterflies. Simone was proportioned like her mare, Seabreeze. Short of limb, but delicate with wide set eyes. Simone was not as beautiful as she liked to think, but she was graceful and covered the distance between the house and the stable very quickly, much like her horse did the trails through the woods. They had made love inside the woods very many times, but Peter had never dared to penetrate her. She would be a virgin bride, because his death was certain if her husband suspected a mulatto stableboy had gotten to Simone before him.
Peter would tease her with his mouth and tongue, completely disappearing beneath her voluminous skirts. To the casual observer, Simone was lying on the ground, enjoying the cool forest and breathing a tad heavily from her ride.
Now, Simone grabbed his cock first, which she usually did not do. Simone was still a shy southern belle, but because Peter had been raised in a home where women were treasured and revered, he did not mind making her happy. "Peter, this is our last time. I want to know you."
"Shh, Miss Simone." He shushed her and gathered her hips to him, letting her feel his desire. Then he picked her up, hooking her legs around him. Their clothing would stay on, and Peter would make love to her. It wouldn't be the same, but an inexperienced girl such as she would be delighted with this new development in their love play.
"No, I want you. Not this false thing." Simone knelt and slid his trousers down, tracing his penis with her lovely fingernails. Peter moaned and wanted it depserately, but he had held himself this long, he could hold himself now.
"Miss Simone, my head for you not being a virgin on your wedding night, my darling. We must contain ourselves."
"Then I will come to you after he is finished. He will never know."
"You will be too sore."
"I'll never be sore for this. I've been waiting months, and I am an old lady as it is. Please."
"I am much younger than you, and will not have my body swinging from a tree for you. I'll leave tonight."
"You cannot, you'll never get far without a horse, and you'll be killed for horse theft as well as dishonoring a lady of my status." It occurred to Peter that she had known of his heritage all along, perhaps was the only one to know beside Lola. It then occurred to him that Simone was threatening him, and he was lost either way. Unless he took her with him, but left her a few towns ahead.
Then, Peter decided to please her and grant her wish. Simone cried for a long time after, until Peter took her in his arms and promised to take her with him after he left at dawn the next morning. It was then that she finished crying.
Lola woke from her reverie and shook her head. Her granddaughter Rennie was lying in bed. Rennie was more than ready to take care of the Barbareaux family. In fact, she was stronger than Lola now. Lola knew it was time. She packed her things and sat outside the stable until Simone and Peter were finished. Simone didn't see her outside, but Peter came out a few minutes later to sniff the autumn air.
"Boy, I'm going with you. You won't hurt my Miss Simone. I'm the best this family has, and I'm going to heal this hurt you two made." She told him, and Peter stared.
"I suppose you'll be the only one to be able to abort the baby, if there is one, and the only one to heal Miss Simone from the shame. We're going to marry in Atlanta. I'll get a job working at the racetrack."
"I was hoping you had a plan of some kind, cause I ain't been to Atlanta since I was sold up north to here when I was a girl. You should've ignored Miss Simone and went for Rennie, she was batting eyes at you." Lola sighed heavily. "Rennie is half white too, your children would've been better off than the ones you two will have."
Lola heard Miss Simone before she saw her. "Lola, what are you doing here?"
"Watching you, baby. I can't let you go so fast." Lola hugged her, banishing Miss Simone's shame. God forbid the poor thing realize how truly mixed up she was.
Dawn came faster than any of them thought, and they all set off in the cart Peter hitched up to the drafthorse gelding with two horses tethered behind. The October morning was colder than the one before, and it was then that Lola knew winter had fallen finally upon Marionville.
|Saturday, March 27th, 2004|
I think we're all beginning to realize that after high school, we won't be friends anymore. I need permanent friends my own age, I think. Amanda, Jeri, Boaz and Gill are definitely going away. Belloma and I are staying, but who knows? She will probably leave too. Fine. Fuckers, Pittsburgh is my place, and none of you belong to it more than I do.
In other news, Amanda is being a bitch because I told her to fucking call me back....And she said she would....So I'm stuck here, at my goddamn house, all dressed up with no place to go...and she hasn't called me back. It is now 5:20. How about you wanna bet she calls at like....7, 3 hours before I go to the show with my mom? Jesus Christ. What a wonderful fucking Saturday.
I want to go and play in the woods, however, it is now too late to do anything like that because Amanda is blowing me off. Maybe I'm getting too p/o about this, but I just....Everything has to revolve around her. She'll call with some bullshit about she went to Wal-Mart or some other place and she just expected me to wait. All. Damn. Day.
I HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS BECAUSE I GET P/O AND WHEN I CONFRONT HER ABOUT IT SHE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A MONSTER OR AN IDIOT FOR EVEN THINKING THAT I WAS INCONVENIENCED.
|Friday, February 20th, 2004|
Got my Governor's School rejection letter. So, yeah....I guess I suck. When I want to write, I think I write reasonably well. But when I don't want to, I can really sound awful. I wonder if this is what happened with Governor's school.
I wonder if my reluctance to waste my summer writing bullshit had anything to do with my rejection. Maybe I didn't try hard enough? But either way, I didn't get a fucking callback. Belloma and Gill did, I bet. But I fon't want to sound bitter about this, so I'm done talking about it forever starting.....
In other news, I'm on probation. The classes I'm in now are really going to help my GPA, I think. I need to at least get a 3.5. Better yet, a 4.0. That's my goal.
A 4.0 or bust. Or....I'll get kicked out of CAPA.
That's another thing that sucks. Cregan doesn't want kids who don't perform, and I suppose I don't perform very well. I could, if I really tried. But the thing is, in Spanish, I can't speak. I'm not good at speaking in Spanish. I should've dropped the damn class. I've taken 2 years, I don't need anymore. But I'm stuck now, I guess, because what else can I take?
Physics? Gym?(again)Word Processing? I cannot take Physics. I don't have the slightest clue as how to go about it. It didn't make sense, and Ms. Pearsall was a bitch.
I think things are really over with Jeff. He doesn't seem very motivated to call me, and I can't get motivated unless he shows some interest. I will not ruin his life or put him on a roller coaster anymore than I have already. I cannot explain to him that I've got a fear of sex(healthy, I think.) and I can't commit. Commitment scares the shit out of me because I feel old. And as if nothing will ever happen to me again. I like to kiss Jeff, I like to touch him and like the feeling of belonging to him--Just not the whole NO LOOKING NO TOUCHING!
I think when my mom goes back to work I'll start inviting him over my house.
|Wednesday, February 11th, 2004|
I've made a conscious decision to end all of my journaling when high school is over. I need to be a person on my own, of independent means. I can't count on anything but myself, and I think LJ, DJ and Blurty are all babying culprits. Your friends support you, and you think you can count on those things as a way of saying something difficult.
I think of Jeff, and that makes me think of possibilities. Things I could have, but have decided not to have. Things I've wanted, but once I have them, I deny them. He is beautiful. JUst goddamn beautiful.
1. My mom loves him
2. Everyone else loves him
3. He is asuch a sweetheart.
4. I have fun with him.
5. I like how scratchy his stubble is against my cheeks.
6. I like cuddling with him, and being a part of something. I like the way I feel when I'm with him. Small, protected and lovely.
7. He is crying out for somebody to take care of him.
But do I want to do that? I cannot imagine Jeff being a real adult without someone to take care of him.
My mom met my dad in her junior year. She liked him, but nothing happened until she was about 19 or 20. They've been married almost 30 years.
He is stable. But now I think he doesn't want me. Or I think I don't want him. *Such is life*
*Oh my love
My Darling, I've hungered for your touch.
Alone, only time, and time goes by
*So slowly--and time can do so much
Are you still mine?
*I need your love
I need your love
God, speed your love
toooo the me!
*Lonely rivers flow
to the sea, to the sea.
To the open arms of the sea
Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me, wait for me
I'll be coming home, wait for me*
Whooooa, my love, my darling
*I've hungered, HUNGERED for your touch
Hold me tight*
And time goes by, so slowly, and time can do so much
are you still mine?
I need your love, come to me~
Oh, sentimental waxing of The Righteous Brothers.
And now, for Funny Valentine.
*My Funny Valentine
Sweet, comic valentine
You make me smile with my heart
*Your looks are laughable
Un photographable, yet you're my favorite work of art.
Is your figure less than Greek?
Is your mouth a little weak?
When you open it to speak, are you smart?
*But don't change a hair for me
Not if you care for me.
Stay little Valentine, stay!
*Each day is Valentine's day.
(that wasn't Jeff. that's for me. I feel ugly right now.)
|Monday, December 8th, 2003|
Ok, so Bo is telling me all about his sexual experience. It makes me kind of upset that ultra virgin Boaz is getting all of this ass before me. I guess I'd just better get a steppin on Jeff, right?
So, I gave my number to Gill to give to him tomorrow. My mom's being so old-fashioned. The whole, "Let him pursue you" thing is really lame. What I want to do is get really wasted and just start kissing him, because then I won't care about how my kissing performance is.
I really am very nervous about kissing. Kissing is the thing that gets people horny and weak in the knees. Kissing is the thing that, if good enough, leads to better things. Even Tara Walters has given a handjob, for Chrissakes. Everyone around me if having sex, everyone but me and Jeff. Yumm. He's so fine, we should really get it on.
It's making me really happy now that Amanda and I are on good terms again. I don't know what happened for a while, we just had to get away and chill. But now things are cool.
I should be working on my fiction and poetry re-writes for Governor's School and Scholastics....but at this point, I don't even care. Whatever. And I have journal entries due. Ms. Mo should really have all of our assignments due on the same day, you know?
Ok, I'm going to go now. But I'm going to say something else. Lately, I've been very sexual. Just...you know, leaking this sexual energy. And tonight at dance class, I swear to god, I felt like I could've been burned alive. I was so horny for some reason. I don't know why, but I was, and my God, it felt good. I was surrounded by these girls, and I was dancing, and dancing led to me remembering grinding with Jeff at semi...boy, I need some ass. Some serious ass. Just to make things a little easier.
I've also lost five pounds since last week. I've been eating a little healthier I guess. Jeff likes my calves, and I'll keep 'em nice, just for him. :)
|Saturday, December 6th, 2003|
God, oh God, oh God. Jeff makes me feel electric. I'm just humming with energy when I'm around him. I'm pretty sure he feels the same way, if not more so than me. Now, if I could just get the balls to kiss him, because I don't think he'll have them. He's only kissed two girls.
He's got these things going for him:
a. Nice arms
b. adorable face
c. awesome, awesome body
2)He likes Star Trek, alot.(me too!)
3) Jeff is one of the nicest people, second only to Boaz. He's so nice
I'm really scared. What if he doesn't want me sexually as much as I want him? What if he thinks I'm a bad kisser? What if I lose interest in him suddenly and break his heart? These things have happened previously to me, and I'm scared. Sometimes I just think he's too goddamn good for me. I need to call him. I haven't talked to him in two days.
We sympathized with one another over our "love" for Gill. He thought I was so pretty at semi. He just makes me feel so small and protected. At the dance, he gave my calves a massage and complimented them. Dancing does the body good, baby.
I need to shop for these things:
1)Secret gift exchange item
2)gift for cousins
3)A hoody at Dave and Barry's.
I'm outta here,going to Krystan's and then to the mall.
Please God, don't let me screw things up with Jeff. Please let him understand I'm insecure and not the "sex kitten" everyone else seems to think. Don't hurt me again. Don't hurt him, you ass. If you do, I'll kill you myself.
|Sunday, October 12th, 2003|
ok, so this is getting ridiculous
Boaz and Belloma need to just fuck. FUCK AND GET IT OVER WITH, FOR GOD'S SAKE. All right, I'm done. Well, not quite. It just makes me sick to my stomach the way they are.
We all played kick the can in Mellon park tonight, and I fell on my ass and slid down some brick steps. It feels like I just got fucked up the ass, actually. I can barely sit. THEN, I had this weird coughing/asthma attack on the way back to Bo's house because I had been running around too much. I also carried Isaac home most of the way.
I really need to find somebody for Fright Fest. Krystan and I are going this Friday, and we both decided we need guys for it. I especially, need someone to just vent all of my frustrations on. I just... I need someone to just throw up against a wall and attack.(Kiss) And they need to be completely pliant, and just willing to let me do my thing. And they need to be patient, because I am an inexperienced kisser and need some practice.
|Friday, October 10th, 2003|
hey hey let's go
Well, I got my first two hickies from girls. Belloma and Gill, namely. We were all goofing off in some park, and they decided to give each other hickies. I then asked for one from Gillian Goldberg, which was bold on my part, but at the same time a little desparate.
I don't like Gill in that sense anymore. I just think she's rull cute, and she's fun to be with.
Also: My Dad's 50th birthday party is on the day we get back from Stratford. Gill, Belloma, Amanda, Billy(Maybe?) and Emma Tripp(maybe) are coming. Jeri is working or taking her sister some place, and Boaz has to go to his parent's aniversary that night. Ok, doesn't it sound odd....wanting your kids around on the day you got married? I mean, my parents try to keep me as far away as possible on that day.
We were in the park today, and Belloma told Boaz that Amanda likes him. He was really shocked. Poor kid, he's all torn up, knowing that Bell, Manda and I are all half in love/lust with him. I wish I had never gotten upset about that, because at least he'd have a friend. Sometimes, I want Boaz and other times I don't. It's strange.
Bell was also down in his boxers most of the time. I felt weird...like if I wasn't there, they would have kissed a lot or something. He's definitely scared to death of her. Or, rather the things she could give him.
I want to be a gypsy for Halloween...But a sexy gypsy? I have to find a top that will be low cut enough for a gypsy. Or maybe, just a witch. Or, even a vampire. Vampires are looking pretty damn glamorous these days, because Kate Beckinsale is pretty hot in Underwworld.
I also had a long talk with Bell today. She thinks she's wasting time with David, and that being with a 16 year old isn't fair to him. She also says he likes to have lots of sex, and she doesn't oftentimes. We agreed that Boaz is just a catalyst for everyone's sexual tension. Bo is the most comfortable male besides David for her, and he's hot. Boaz is available all the time for me, which is good because I have a hard time getting to know people. amanda is just flat-out, plain in love with him. Which in my opinion, is retarded because she's his best friend and he could never like her like that.
Now I'm going to go shower and shave because I feel gross after rolling around in the park.
Would it be terrible of me to kiss Matt Baum? Or Gill? Or even Eric? That would be terribly forward of me, especially whenever I shouldn't. Yum.
Now, I'm off.
|Saturday, October 4th, 2003|
I've never been this disappointed in Belloma before. She's just a brazen hussy, I guess.
I really like Boaz. Or maybe I really like the attention he gives me because I don't get it from anyone else. I kind of deter that sort of thing, a force field, I guess. I cried when I got home today because Belloma was hanging all over Boaz. I cried because I couldn't believe she'd do that when she has David, and she knows that I have a crush on him. She even saw how I stopped talking and ignored everyone when she was on Bo. She's just too busy stirring up her own shit, like her OWN MOTHER said.
Treating him like her boyfriend, when she has one. David likes he plenty; Belloma should just get over herself and her ability to entrap any man she wants. If she's bored with David, why doesn't she follow her own advice and stay away from Boaz. Bo is never going to date any of us, Manda, me or her. He told me he just likes us all as friends.
He said today he was in love with us all in different ways, and he couldn't choose. Or didn't want to.
I'll choose for him. Stop fucking with my emotions, Boaz Baran Munro.
Rod Stewart is on AOL radio. It's "Have I Told You Lately". I wish I had somebody to share that with. I'd rather have someone to share that song with than anything else in the world right now. Well, besides someone giving me Ladyhawke on DVD.
I slept over Gill's on Friday after Sabbath dinner. My mom wasn't answering the phone, so Gill's mom offered her house. Gill was ok with it, I guess. I mean, she doesn't seem to like anybody very much because Emma's around.
|Thursday, October 2nd, 2003|
Ok, so I created this account in a burst of anger. I was having some privacy issues. But here, this is where I'll actually post some real thoughts.
Fletcher is being weird. I know he's this fragile person who doesn't know who he is. When we were drunk...God, here's what happened. We wanted to kiss so badly. He apologized for acting like he did when we almost dated. I said it was fine, I still loved him. We walked back and forth down Amanda's street, holding each other up. I knew he wanted to kiss, but I held him off. He'd have regretted it in the morning. We ended up sleeping in the same bed together, but not "together".
I held him on the sidewalk while he threw up, and consoled him as he cried about not knowing who he was. He's at College now, and it's a big change. I'll never see him again, unless he comes back to Pittsburrgh which is slim to nothing.
Gill: You are nothing but a learning experience. I loved you so intensely for about three weeks. I realized that you'll never be over Fugly Ugly, and my feelings dwindled. Now,I'm not sure I even like to be around you. You're so bitchy, and you focus in on one person at a time. I'll bet that if I died, you wouldn't blink. Oh yeah. The stupid chick that had a crush on me. She was my first real, honest to God crush on a girl. And I completely ruined it because I'm really dumb when it comes to liking people.
Amanda: I'm not sure what to say. I like you, but I'm not sure how. I can stand you, but not your mood swings. And you constantly talk about Boaz and the boys you like. Just, please, stop. You're self-centered and snobby.
Boaz: I really am developing a crush on you. You're just so...Boaz. Nice, considerate and even when you're pissed at somebody, you're patient and nice. I could see marrying you. We'd make a better couple than you and Amanda because she isn't very nice. She'd just worship you from a far, though she was completely devoted. I'd never be afraid to show my affection.
Belloma: You are the greatest girl I've ever known. you're always nice, and you're honest when things need to be said. I depend on that, it made me want to be friends with Amanda.
And finally: On the subject of my sexuality and my religion. I'm Wiccan, and at least pagan of some type because I believe in worshipping nature. Not something so far off and demanding as the Christian version of God.
I prefer to believe in something more...likeable. I can understand worshipping a Goddess; everyone worships their mother in a way. It's easier to relate to women than men, I think.
And I know I really can't tell anyone, because they would really think I was a big dummy. Not to mention, being a witch still creates a hysteria scare. Belloma and everyone else has said on numerous times that being Wiccan was retarded.
I don't think it is. And I prefer Wicca over any religion because it really is just about doing good for yourself, and when you're ready, do good for others. Worship simply or elaborately, however you choose. I prefer to call the goddes, "Lady" and the God is "Lord". I think I need to figure out which set of deity I'm more comfortable with working.
And on my sexuality: I'm bisexual. I loved Gill, and I loved Uri. I like how neat and smooth and beautiful women are; I like how men smell, and the way their hands are so big and full of veins. I like how both of them make me feel. I like how they treat me, though, at the moment I'm developing a serious crush on Boaz. I just wish my best friend...or former best friend, however it is with me and Manda now would let him go. He wants something casual, and though I'd like it exclusive, why the hell shouldn't we be able to see other people? He's always asking me about getting a "date-date" for semi and prom.
These are the most beautiful lyrics I've ever heard.
It's nothing unusual.
Nothing strange, close to nothing at all.
The same old scenario:
the same old rain.
There's no explosions here.
It's something unusual;
somehting strange called from nothing at all.
I saw a space ship fly by your window.
Did you see it disappear?
Amie, come sit on my warmth.
And read me the story of old.
Tell it like you still believe,
at the end of the century is a change for you and me.
just a little older, that's all.
You know when you found it.
There's something I've learned.
Did you feel it when I take it away?
Something unusual, something strange.
Called from nothing at all.
I'm not a miracle,
you're not a saint.
Just another soldier on a road to nowhere.
Amie, come sit on my warmth.
Read me the story of old
tell it like you still believe
at the end of the century, there's a change for you and me.
Cheers Darlin-Gillian(except it should be lover girl)
Cheers darlin, here's to you and your lover boy.
Cheers darlin, I got years to wait around for you.
Cheers darlin', I got your wedding vows in you
cheers darlin', you gave me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away.
And I die, when you mention his name.
And I lie, I shoulda kissed you
when we were running in the rains.
What am I darlin?
What am I darlin'?
The boy you can fear as your biggest mistake.
Cheer's Darlin',Here's to you and your lover man,
Cheers Darlin;' I'll just hang around and eat from a can.
Cheer's Darlin', I got a ribbon of green on my guitar
Cheers Darlin' I got a beauty queen to sit not very far from me.
I die, when he goes round to take you home.
I'm too shy, I shoulda kissed you
when we were alone.
What am I, darlin?
Whisper in your ear, for a piece of your cake.
What am I, darlin?
I can feel my biggest mistake.
What am I??!
What am I??!!
I got years to wait, time to take.
Those are all by Damien Rice, BTW. I missed him when he was in Pittsburgh a few weeks ago.
I'm done updating. I can say now that I feel better about myself on a whole.
|Sunday, September 21st, 2003|
I was over Gill's yesterday with Manda. I wasn't happy really, until after The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys was over and we crawled into bed. Gill conked out on the couch, so me and Manda got her bed. After a few hours, I woke up because Gill crawled in between us. That made me really, reallly happy. Gillian Goldberg is someone I can aspire to, and who happens to be absolutely gorgeous. She's going to be a perfect writer, which makes me jealous and a little sad, actually.
The next day, I was with Boaz and Gill. We went to Bo's grandparents apartment, and had lots of fun with Yossi, who came back from school to see Isaac's Bar Mitvah.
P.S. Livejournals are retarded if people who you know in real life have you on their friends list. Because friends suck the big one when they read shit like that. Friends don't deserve to know what's going on in your life, unless it directly pertains to them.