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Alexis' Journal

12th March, 2005. 7:22 pm. I don't know.....

I am really confused...Raphi has lost 3 friends. One was his best friend for 9 years and was murdered and mutilated and stuff.. *God Bless Him* and his other one was run over and the most recent was pregnant and was mugged and stabbed to death... He's been really depressed. Every time we start being better about it all, someone else dies... and I don't know what to do anymore. When his best friend was killed, I talked to him and tried to encourage him and help him optimisticly and just be there for him for like 3 days. And I told him everything I could possibly think of that time. And now, when one dies... I can't think of anything to say and I feel so helpless and its horrible. And now whenever we get to talk, which is really rare anymore cuz he's in trouble or his parents wont let him talk or whatever, he's either depressed (making me depressed too usually) or we argue about something stupid. ANd I think it's mostly my fault because I'm being inconsiderate, selfcentered, and selfish bitch..... I don't know if I can handle all of this. I have my problems to think about plus his. And He kinds knows that cuz he doesnt ilke telling me these thigns cuz he doesnt want it to bother me and get me depressed. But I WANT to know because it would be horrible for him to be sad and me not know why. Plus him and I are like one, when one is bothered the other must be too.. or else I feel incomplete... I feel he is part of me now and a very important part.... And he keeps saying its all his fault and making himself more depressed over saying that when its not true! It was what was meant to happen and if he woudlnt have told them, then someone else woudl have or something. I cna't get him to understand that. I wish I could, id feel better. He says just hearing my voice and knowing I am there is enough, but I don't feel it is. I need to do more. And by feeling this way, that I dont wanna deal with it, I feel like i'm failing him. But i really am not. I just wanna do moer and i know i can't and that kills me. No matter what I do, i feel i am not doing enough. It's hard on me... and I don't think if anybody heard this, that they would understand. They would think i'm a selfish bitch who can't do anything for him and that i dont' love him. And thats sooo the opposite. I think its cuz i love him SO much that its hurting me so bad.... I don't know. I am afraid that he wont tell me anything anymore if he knew this... and I can't tell him. It'll kill me....
One day him and I were talking about our suicide attemps. I told him how i had tried to OD twice... which one i never wrote in here..... Well, I didn't tell him when the other one was, I didnt tell ANYBODY... I didn't even want to admit it to myself that I did that... It was the night Cody broke up with me. That night I learned just how much I loved him... and it almost killed me, literally... But I'm over him. Its just that, I miss talking to him and I feel like he doesnt trust me as much now that we're just friends and stuf.... come to think of it, he never sang to me! even after that dern petition! *pouts* *sigh* oh well. lol it's over now and Ill never hear it... And Raphi won't sing around me either, I don't care what it sounds like. I suck at singing worse i am sure. but i sing anyways... lol And Cody and Raphi don't care..... *sigh* finally, someone who takes me for me! lol
So, besides that...
Well, Kenny told me that Josh Gaven liked me.. I doubt that's true. I mean, i thought about it at one point but I know who he likes now so yeah. I really don't think he likes me, i like him as a friend though. He's cool.Kenny also said he thinks I should go out with Chris Walker.. ick.. He's realyl annoying and I don't really like him.I feel sorry that Christine B always steals his stuff though and scares him with fake rats. But Chrstines just as pathetic so whatever lol. But Kenny said he'll come to my party, yay!! I think I might SLIGHTLY, VERY SLIGHTLY if at all... like i said i'm not sure AT ALL but I think I might.. might... might have a small crush on Kenny. But I think it might be just that strong trust I have for him. I trust him a lot and he's a really good friend now. So I think its just me really learning more about him and trusting him with my feelings more. So I really don't think its a crush. I love my Raphi lol
Anyways...
Everybody Keeps saying DAN likes me! Soooo not cool! See, him and I were fighting cuz Deanna was gunna throw a pinecone at me cuz I was getting a song stuck in her head (i think it was my singing that got her not the song lol). So I ran up to Dan and said , "dan help. Deanna is gunna hit me!" and he said to Deanna "hit her hard" and walked away. I was mad and went to class. Well Thursday he tried to give me something and was talkign to me but i just walked around him and went to class, ignoring him completely. And then on the computer that night he said he tried to give me something but i wouldnt take it.. bla bla bla. well he said i hadda wait till the next day to see what it was. so, he gave it to me the next day. It was this anime picture with a person looking down saying "i'm sorry" and it was sooo cute! I think the thought was the best part, not just the picture he drew. Anyways.. yeah. Well Deanna and Raphi say he likes me. Raphi said cuz he was mysterious about what he was giving me and Deana says cuz he never drew anything for her when they were best friends and that he would go so far to come to my party. yeah, well.... I don't think so. lol. And Then I told Kenny that Deanna thought that he liked me and asked what he thought and he said "not anymore" and iwas like WHAT!?!?! he said "he used to.. i think" And i was like HFN!? Wow.. i was surprised.. but i don't know.. I think I might slightly like him, well, same feeling as I do Kenny. I doubt I like him, Just a weird feeling. I just like talking to him. I really don't think I like him. But its kinda cool to know He might like me, its kinda flattering. That someone NEAR me whose so popular and nice and cool would actually like me... weird. I'm not used to that stuff lol.
Knowing my Raphi loves me, is wonderful. He's so great, its super flattering that he loves me hehehe.
Anyways, I've been writing for like 25 minutes. I am talking to Brett and stuff.
OH! I ran Into my EX EX EX EX EX EX best friend Bri Hill today at wal-mart. She is such a stupid slut. I heard she was homeless now. But i doubt that, she's a freaking skinny ass slutting adolescent model. She gets quite a bit of money, probably from those side jobs she does too.. *cough* I mean... anyways. She is moving to Arizona cuz her mom is sick of FL supposidly. She gave me her phone number to call her, i got in the car and was like "like i'd call her" she bad mouthed me a lot in the past. thought at one point me and her were sooo close if one of us died, the other really would too. But its not that way anymore. She's a slut and probably gunna grow to be a prostitute.... i'm not sure if she'd sink quite soo low. But she made out with her bf at a party we went to though.. it was gross... anyways.... But she's unbelievably pretty though. She's so horrible though cuz she has no self confidence and thinks she is fat when she is i think 14 and weighs like 90 lbs!!! I mean, wtf?! I weigh 112 and I'm 13 (in 8 days). But whatever. She's pretty but dresses so its like... eew. To me at least, but guys are probably all over it, most likely cuz ALL GUYS are into that shit. and i refuse to date someone that likes that shit cuz if they do, ha! they can dream on cuz i'm definitly not their type. I mean, i dress baggy most of the time and wear make up which kinda looks good but.. anyways! and i wear glasses, cuz my contacts are the wrong prescription... oh well. And so yea, I'm not pretty, nor super skinny. but oh well, I don't care mostly... except i wish I looked better in a bathing suit... oh well... anyways. I like who I am internally. And stuff. So yeah... I'm not sure what else to type....
I'm listening to one of my favorite 10 songs, which happens to be a suicide song.. hmm! whats that tell ya!? lol anyways. I'm gunan go now. I think this is the longest entrie I have written but I have to keep it private for 3 reasons:
1: Its got stuff in here that I don't want anybody to know cuz it'll be taken wrong when it's all with the best of intentions, i swear!!!
2: Raphi would take it wrong about Kenny and Dan and stuff. But I love him more than anything and if he even doubts that... this entrie wouldn't help. But if he doubts that, I would freakin'......
3: The suicide thing, I don't want anybody to know that.....
4: It's the most personal entrie I've ever written, in anything. in a diary type journal or anything...
5: My journal caused problems before with Nick and Nikkii. she read that Nick and I cuddled and now im afriad of anybody reading this stuff... and by the way, we don't cuddle anymore cuzza that and I'm gunna DIE! *sigh*

Oh and Chris, He's so sweet! He's Victoria's boyfriend and he is sooo sweet!!! He's calls me sweetie and I asked why, and he said cuz he thought I was sweet. He said i was his best friend and he says I am an angel and stuff.. i love it! He and I argued but finally i sent him my picture. And he cut it out, put it in his scrap book and drew an angel over it! its so sweet! But the funny thing is.. i don't like him like that. I am surprised. I think maybe cuzza Raphi, that I really am in complete, total, head over heels love adn I can't like anybody but him... i love a lot of people as good friends and siblings and stuff. but yeah. It's weird. But I miss talking to him, a lot . He hasn' t been on lately. i wonder where he is... i'm waiting for him... i'm also waiting for Cody, he told me to meet him on here today but he hasn't been on.
I was shopping for a few hours today too. I got new sneakers, Nike. And I got 2 new shirts, and a pair of pants. My shoes are awsome!! yay! we ate at chik-fil-a and McDonalds too lol. lunch and 2nd lunch lol! Yeah....
I wish Christina was here... i need her.. that or Tasha, I need one of them. I feel like i'm going to break down and cry till i can't cry anymore.... seriously... *sigh*
Well, My hands hurt so I'm going to go now. It's been about almost an hour since i started lol.
I'm gunna go now. Byes!

Current mood: confused.

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1st March, 2005. 8:59 pm. Hiya!

I don't know what to write in here. But Raphi brought it to my attention that I haven't updated in a while. So I decided now might not be too bad of a time. Um... Lets see.. what to say...
Wel Today is Kyles birthday! Yay! I love Kyle so much, i miss tlkin' to him. He's still one of my best friends, I can't replace him ever. I hope he has a good birthday, he deserves it. I just talked to him on the phone. He said he had a good bday and stuff. I had to get off cuz i had like 4 beeps and stuff. I told him to call me tomorrow. He said he doesnt have anyone to call and i'm always on the phone and stuff. But i told him i'd get off for him cuz its soooo worth it just for him to call me. I miss him... i need change subject or i'll cry lol
Tasha is coming this weekend!!!! I am sooo happy! I miss Tasha a lot and i need her. We always give each other advice and i think i need it ... badly. *sigh* I just flat out miss her.....
I miss Cheyenne too.... I need her back! She started my outgoingness and now she's gone! *cries*
I'm cuddling with Nick! Yay! He really missed cuddling too! I know this sounds stupid but sometimes I feel like he doesn't love me just cuz he has a gf.. But I know he does. So it's like a war between what i know and what i feel. *sigh* It really sucks.

Raphi says that I've seemed depressed and stuff the past while. Well... I really guess i have been but i really don't know why. I been weird lately, i know. And i know a lot of stuff feels wrong and weird but i'm not sure what it is. But see last night i started cryin' again and i thought about it cuz i felt bad bout not givin Raphi and explanation. Well here's what i've come up with....
Somehow, i feel like Deanna lately. I know people around me who say they love me, I know they love me, i know they do and they always will as they say and promise. But sometimes, it's a fight against what i know and what i feel. Like sometimes I feel like nobody loves me and they're all acting like it but in my head, i KNOW they do. And so i get depressed because my body is fighting with itself and confusing me. *shakes head* I dont know. It's not that nobody tells me enough that they love me, its just that my stupid fucking head is screwed up. *sigh*
But i'm tired and i'm going to bed cuz, though the time its posted says it like 8, it took me like 3.5 hours to write this cuz i'm talkin' to lots of people and distractions so its 11:30 at night and I'm falling asleep.Dea's gunna be here tomorrow, yay! I had a fight with her but that's tomorrow's journal lol
I love you all so much, don't think you don't tell me you love me enough, because you do! My stupid heads just fucked up and i need a straight coat and a padded white fluffy room to live in. You can come visit me, I'll be waiting for you!
~*~Lexi loves you all~*~

Make Notes

24th February, 2005. 7:41 am. *sigh*

It's morning again unfortunatly. Deanna spent the night last night and mom said we couldnt be on the computer but we were anyways... oh well, i hadda tlk to my Raphi so i don't care how much trouble i get into. But she's comin' home with us again today so i can't be onthe computer or phone till at least 7pm. *sigh* I don't wanna have to go that long.... But I have to...
Last night Cody tried to cyber seduce Deanna. Deanna Locked me in the closet and was talkin' to Cody. Then Cody said "is Alexis anywhere near" Dea said no. He goes "lets make love" and crap like that... oi. I got soooo pissed off. He did a lot of that kind of talk. It makes me soo mad whn he does that. He apologized later and i forgave him because i was cussin' at him and he was feeling really bad he said and i could tell it really was. So i forgave him. But if he does it again, i'm gunna get soooooo freakin' mad.
Well, Mom's going to kick me out of her classroom in a minute so i have to get goin' cause i am on the super slow computer and it'll take like 2 minutes to post.
Update ya later
~*~I love ya Raphi*~*
~*~*Lexi*~*~

Current mood: amused.

Make Notes

23rd February, 2005. 7:44 am. Yay.

Last night I talked to Raphi for, like, three hours! It was soo great! I was hyper and I couldn't stop laughing the whole time. At dinner mom made me sound like a retard. My cousin asked if I ever saw Shane and I said no, I go to a "special" school and was acting funny. And then mom said yeah she's in ExEd and is qualified to ride the short bus. And I started laughing sooo hard. I started to drool too cause i had just put food in my mouth when i started laughing. SO i covered my mouth so i didnt drool everywhere and laughed for like 10 minutes. Finally i stopped laughing and told why i covered my mouth and was laughing harder and everybody laughed at me lol.
But anyways.... I was in a beter mood last night and i think i got Raphi in a better mood too. He was edgy from his oral surgery and not eating or sleeping and having pain. I feel so bad for him. He can't eat or he'll break open the stiches. Its been like 6 days already since he's had anything but soup and milkshakes. So i decided, i'll have two or three things that i can eat for the next while (until he can eat again). I am not eating anything but those things until he can eat, too. *nods* yup. Thats my deal. And the bells going to ring and there is a fight outside so i better get going. I'll update later Not tonight though cause i cant get on the computer cause Dea is spending the night and mom doesnt want us to be unsociable.
~Keep racking up those brownie points, Raphi~

~*~*~Lexi~*~*~

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22nd February, 2005. 7:41 am. grrr

I didn't talk to Raphi ALL day yesterday! It's been 31 hours since I've talked to him and It sucks. I want to talk to him so bad... and I still have to wait another at least 9 hours till I even get the chance, if he got in trouble again it will be longer! Please Raphi, don't get in trouble again.....
Well anyways I only wrote this cause I really miss 'em and I had time before the bell rang and nothin's more important than talkin' or writin' about my sweetie. I'll update a good one later, maybe tonight when I'm tlkin' to Raphi. Oh well, bells goin' to ring.
~*~ I love Raphi ~*~

*~~*~~* Lexi *~~*~~*

Make Notes

22nd February, 2005. 7:41 am. grrr

I didn't talk to Raphi ALL day yesterday! It's been 31 hours since I've talked to him and It sucks. I want to talk to him so bad... and I still have to wait another at least 9 hours till I even get the chance, if he got in trouble again it will be longer! Please Raphi, don't get in trouble again.....
Well anyways I only wrote this cause I really miss 'em and I had time before the bell rang and nothin's more important than talkin' or writin' about my sweetie. I'll update a good one later, maybe tonight when I'm tlkin' to Raphi. Oh well, bells goin' to ring.
~*~ I love Raphi ~*~

*~~*~~* Lexi *~~*~~*

Make Notes

21st February, 2005. 9:34 pm. Well now..

Well all evening, including now, I have been totally free! Raphi got in trouble and couldnt talk. I can do whatever I want! I don't have to call Raphi and be on the phone all night!! I have all the time to do whatever I want! *sigh* But guess what i've been doing with all that time.... Sitting on my bed, staring at my phone, picking it up, dialing Raphi's number, setting it back down, and continue to stare at it, wishing i could call him. I did my homework after i did that for a while.... Then, i went back to my room and repeated the staring at the phone concept. I feel so empty and my day seems so meaningless when i don't talk to him. I got home today ready to call him and i didnt get to talk to him.. my day kinda went downhill from there. When i'd get on the computer, I'd be bored and have other things on my mind. I read Dea's journal, too. She said that she doesnt know if the people who say they love her, really do. And that it upsets her that she could be hurting people and not know it because it's an accident. And it kinda upsets me because i really love her, she's my best friend. And I'm really kinda worried about her. I'm glad she has Adam but i'm worried she's a little too obsessed. But for now, i'm going to let it go because she is happy when she talks to him. But it upset me when i read that. And then i was trying to get my mind off of that and not talking to Raphi and was watching TRL Awards praying SP won (Good Charlotte actually won...dammit) So that made me kinda sad. So then, some other stuff happened that seemed way worse then it actually was, they're so stupid they're not even worth writing about. And the only reason i was depressed is cause i haven't talked to Raphi.... i must talk to him soon before i feel worse...*sigh* but for now, i feel like crying. So thats what i'm going to do, go sit on my bed and cry in the dark........ Goodnight.

Current mood: depressed.
Current music: Simple Plan (they didnt win TRL but they still have my heart.

Make Notes

20th February, 2005. 6:17 pm. Ello

WEll today i was realy bored even thought Dea and Amanda were here. Amanda went home around 3:20 or so. Dea's still here. We were taking quizzes and some of the ones were really really really really really really really really really really really really really really mean to me! My answers were like:

How's your kiss? - Boring
How Hott are you (1-10) - 1..eewww!
What is your stereotype and when? - prep in 2030
You on the couples match. - whore.

And this one was on another one but i don't remember what it was. But it said i'd loose my viginity when i am 24..... heh...... *blink* that's just so weird, i said i'm waiting till at least 20...

well anyway, SEE! THEY'RE SO MEAN TO ME! I got really bored and mad at them so i went to find some other personality tests and this one was nice, i like this one

Unique, mystical, insightful and beautiful You are a Snow sprite. Mysterious, and alluring you naturally attract people to you, your like a people magnet even though you most often wish to be alone. Your love for cold climates and snow has given you an insight into the beauty few see. While most see bland white you see a forest or blanket of sparkling white beauty. To you life is something precious and you intend to figure out its mysteries. You are very mature and don't waste your intelligence on childish games or people not worth your time which can make you seem arrogant at times but you are really just intent on saving your time for better things. Your soul is very beautiful if not a little shut up, you keep your emotions hidden from everyone and therefore they don't know what your capable of. You are a living fantasy.

Kinda true... anyways, i'm going to go eat and mess around with Nick.. update later...

I love you Raphi

*~*~*Lexi*~*~*

Make Notes

18th February, 2005. 10:31 pm. AHHHH!

Well I just called Cody not too long ago (like 15-20 minutes). He said he was watching a movie and stuff so i can call tomorrow. So i said okay. But see, he also said there was a lot of people who were going to call him tomorrow so he didnt know what time i should call. Wel he said Chelsea is one of them... oh yay. He said that she told him "they have to talk". And I know exactly what she is planning.
The other day, Chelsea asked Raphi if we were goin' out and Raphi said yes. She guessed right and Raphi told her, i'm not mad cause i don't really care. I love Raphi and i wasn't planning on keeping it secret TOO much longer. I just didn't think it was a good time to let people to knoe (the ones i didnt want to know). Well now that she knows she is going to tell Cody. I never even told her that Cody and I broke up in the first place, it's none of that bitch's God damn business anywho. So yeah, Cody doesn't know Raphi and i are dating but heh he will tomorrow....
I Don't want him to know! I mean, we have no chance of goin' back out and yea, i'm happy about that cause i really really really love Raphi and we both feel we're meant to be. And so i'm just not sure. I feel it might effect Cody and I's friendship and if it does, it'll kill me. I love Cody still as a friend. I feel he's one of my best friends, still. And well, i don't want anything to happen and i am sure it will if he knew.
So oh well i suppose. Cody said he might sign on later tonight to tell me when to call or something. I think it'll be best if i tell him before Bitch does. So *sigh* wish me luck, i don't want any pain cause for once, i was happy. I just hope to stay that way. (and i always will cause i have my sweetie ~and Amanda~ to be here with me)
*sigh* I NEED YOU, TASHA!!!!! PLEEEEASE COME SOON! I REALLY NEED YOUR ADVICE (and i know you need mine too hehehe)!!!!
Love you all so much!!!! You're the bestestestest ever!!!

~The newborn nickname~
~Lexi!~

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17th February, 2005. 4:25 pm. Bored...(free time)

Well i'm sitting here waiting for my sister to pick us up because my mom's in a meeting. My cuz is sittin' there trying to play a game on the other computer but it doesnt have any hahaha. Well i want to go home and talk to Raphi! grrr.... I'm getting kinda bored. g2g sis is here i think... byes

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