Barbie... no, really's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Barbie... no, really

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I'd sell. My soul. My self-esteem a dollar at a time. For one chance. One kiss. One taste of you. [19 Jul 2004|10:51pm]
[ mood | not suicidal ]
[ music | old, burned cd with songs I dont remember ]

Everything I try to write I end up erasing. Because it is nothing. Nothing at all.

I want to do something. Anything. I want to break my arm. Or get stabbed. Not shot. I want someone to break into my house. I want to get bit by a spider. I want to get second-degree burns. I want to get in a car crash. I want to accidentally drink something poisonous. I want to crack my skull open. I want stitches. And scars. And bruises. Anything.

And this has nothing to do with anyone but myself.

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They called her princess because they always knew she'd be a servant. [07 Jun 2004|02:24am]
[ mood | bored out of my effin mind ]
[ music | Brand New on someone's xanga ]

Thirteen random things you like:
01) Music
02) Material possessions
03) Air Conditioning
04) Not washing my hair
05) Snow
06) Getting lost in movies
07) Obsessing over guys I have no chance with
08) My mommy
09) My new (not cell) phone... it is the greatest thing ever
10) Kanwal
11) Calling Kanwal “Kanwoo”
12) Or Kanwoosh
13) And Kanwoodles

Twelve movies:
01) Fight Club
02) American History X
03) Primal Fear (do you see the Ed Norton theme?)
04) The Lord of the Rings movies
05) The Harry Potter movies
06) Tombstone
07) Remember the Titans
08) While You Were Sleeping
09) Mean Girls (seriously funny)
10) Cruel Intentions
11) A Time to Kill
12) Anything with Colin Farrell I could watch over and over

Eleven good bands/artists:
01) Nine Inch Nails
02) Tool
03) A Perfect Circle
04) Sigur Ros
05) Brand New
07) Cursive
08) The Postal Service
09) Deadsy
10) Lifehouse
11) Dead Prez

Ten things about you ... physically:
01) Shortest in my family... 5’5 and a half, bi-hatch
02) Wannabe orange hair
03) Hazel-ish eyes... I swear they are not brown
04) Grossly out of shape
05) I have porn star moles
06) I wear boxers
07) Baggy pants make me happy
08) Always have nail polish
09) I honestly have no clue what I weigh
10) Make-up makes me pretty... sometimes

Nine good friends:
01) Kanwal
02) James
03) My mom
04) Kate could be if I pursued it
05) Ryan Santiago... kind of... before

Eight favorite foods/drinks:
01) Water
02) Gummy worms
03) Peanut butter
04) Smoothies are godlike!
05) Salsa
06) Fake Mexican (i.e. Taco Bell)
07) Enchiladas
08) Rice

Seven things you wear daily:
01) Pants
02) Shirt
03) Shoes
04) Bra -- I think I’m the only female who enjoys them
05) James’ essence
06) Boxers.... well, almost
07) Hair gel

Six things that annoy you:
01) That noise when you scrape a metal fork across your teeth... ugh
02) People who take being a teenager way too seriously
03) When the food on my plate intermingles... stay segregated, bitches
04) Hating a band for the soul reason that they became popular
05) That all the truly sexah men are way too old for me (except for the Harry Potter boys... yum)
06) Annoying people

Five things you touch everyday:
01) Hair
02) Bed
03) Water
04) Couch
05) Pathetically enough, not the phone

Four shows you watch:
01) That 70’s Show
02) The O.C.
03) Last Comic Standing (can’t wait until Tuesday)
04) Law and Order (Original and SVU... can’t stand the other one)

Three celebrities you have a crush on:
01) Tom DeLonge
02) Tom Felton (aka Draco Malfoy... he is a sexah beast)
03) Adam Brody

Two people on your buddy list/address book that you have kissed:
01) Ryan
02) Kanwal

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I wanna be stereotyped. I wanna be classified. [12 May 2004|03:25pm]
[ mood | giddy ]
[ music | Descendents - Suburban Home ]

I have been so happy the past two days. Kanwal got her license and it is so cool. She's driving her mom's van everywhere and it's nice. We feel so free. We keep on driving places. I've eaten so much fast food in the past 48 hours. It's great.

There was a semi-fight between Krystal and this other chick. It was great. The reason: the chick's hair. Seriously. So, I sit with a bunch of freshmen/really immature people during lunch, right? It's usually not bad because they are entertaining. But about a week ago, Mikey starts yelling at this girl because she died her hair orange, and come to find out, only him and I are allowed to dye our hair orange. Go figure. So, this other chicks she's friends with comes over and starts bitching at him. He's just like, "Yah, whatever, go fuck yourself." And she starts yelling. Then, Krystal starts yelling at her because she's just an angry person. And this is how it starts. So, today, Krystal's trying to find the chick to beat her up because she's been "talking shit." Hay-sus, it's just so effin funny. I mean, who does this? Who fights over hair color? It's so childish that it's entertaining.

Yesterday, Neal came to my work and it was great. He was highly amused by the coveyor belt, so Kanwal let him push the button. He's such a happy guy.

The guy who's like woah said hi to me, and it made me happy.

I get to slap people and be the recipient of a slap in my English class. It's gonna be great. Because violence sells, people.

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We are all the same person living different lives. [06 May 2004|08:56pm]
[ mood | numb ]

Today was so effin hard.

There was school stuff. But that's it.

I've been holding in the tears. I just don't want to start crying yet. Because I know I won't stop. So, I just have to get through a few more weeks and I'll have the whole summer to dwell on... well, everything. I keep on telling people that I don't want to talk about it. But it's not the talking that's hard. It's the silence that follows. Because then I think about it. I'm fine just as long as my mouth is running and my thoughts are diverted. I hate this.

Kate gave me a pity hug this morning. It made me feel worse. But I'm grateful for her attempt.

Loud, angry music is my saviour.

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Truth is - I'm never to blame. Truth is - I'm never in pain. Truth is I'm lying. I'm lying again. [29 Apr 2004|06:58pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | Tweaker - Truth Is ]

I hate drama. Not just drama, but teenage drama. It is so jewish.

So, there were things with James. Things that were made out to be larger then what they really were. Mild touching, grabbing, laying, hitting, slapping, biting, etc. For some crazy reason, I told Ryan. And let's just say he's a pretty jealous guy. Yah, things were bad. He was at James' house when we told him all of this. I was like, "Tell James to stop hitting me. And he bites me. And licks me. And..." Yah, I just kept on listing things. And James, being the great person he is, starts talking about how he put his hand there, then my hand was down here and so and so happening. And he was kidding. But Ryan didn't think it was all that funny because he didn't know how much of it was true. So, he left James' house really pissed. James went over to Ryan's to clear the air after we talked about how bad we felt for upsetting him. Then, Ryan came over to my house and we had an extensive conversation about how I love James like a brother and how nothing would ever ever happen between us. So things are good now. But they were pretty bad then.

And today.

James, Driver's Ed Ryan, my Ryan, and I were all at Dairy Queen drawing pictures of guys in miniskirts and whatnot, when James informs me that Kanwal had said that she didn't care about me anymore. Tear. We all started talking and it was pretty damn depressing. The crazy thing is that I'm not mad at her. Not even a little. I'm just frustrated. A lot. I know she's going through shit at home, and I just want to be there for her and make her feel better, but she's just pushing me away. I don't think I've done anything to deserve this falling out. I mean, things were really jewish for a while, but we were back on track. Things were going great. Even after her and Kate started hanging out again. I mean, I feel a little (read: a lot) left out when the three of us are together, but that situation doesn't occur often enough for it to be a big problem. I dunno. It makes me sad that she's sad. Especially when I can't hug her and tell her that it'll be all right. That in a year she can leave this place, and everything will be better. But, now I'm just not sure. I asked her to tell me what was bothering her because she's been different lately, and she said that I wouldn't understand. Then she tried changing the subject. And I said something about not being able to comprehend what she was talking about. That it was above me. I probably shouldn't have been bitchy about it. But, then we were talking and we got iced lattes and everything seemed semi like old times. I dunno. I'm just in a really confused place right now.

Wow that was a freaking long paragraph.

In better news, I got my Tweaker Cd. It is amazing. I was so happy when I saw the UPS guy. Pure goodness. It's signed and numbered and everything. I'm number 622 of 700. Yayness. Oh, it's funny because Clint Walsh signed it too, and it just looks like it says "clit" in big letters on my Cd. But that's what makes it great.

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Hotdogs are disgusting. [18 Apr 2004|08:30pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | Postal Service - Clark Gable ]

So, I made my blurty all pretty thanks to the inspiration of Joe Sorren. Joe Sorren being the artist whose work inspired Tweaker's The Attraction of All Things Uncertain. Tweaker being Chris Vrenna. Chris Vrenna being the drummer for Nine Inch Nails' Self Destruct Tour. Nine Inch Nails being the work of Trent Reznor. And Trent Reznor being the most talented man on the planet. Thus, Joe Sorren, being associated with Trent Reznor, is an amazing artist by my standards.

In other news, I have a mild sunburn and it is exceptionally god-awful. Pink is not my color by any means. I'm not really sure what my color is, but pink it is not.

I still haven't seen, let alone heard, from my beloved Ryan. I feel his love for me waning, and this is not a nice feeling. I feel tears in my future.

I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then, I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything. Don't be afraid to ask anything.

I was waiting for a cross-town train
In the london underground
When it struck me.
That I've been waiting since birth to find
A love that would look and sound like a movie.
So I changed my plans;
I rented a camera and a van,
And then I called you
"I need you to pretend that we are in love again,"
And you agreed to.

I want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real,
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd.

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I am not permanent [14 Apr 2004|08:57pm]
[ mood | scared ]
[ music | The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight ]

For all that care my new AIM s/n is jesuswasajeww.

I bought three Cds with my "clothes" money. Give Up by The Postal Service, The Ugly Organ by Cursive, and WWIII by KMFDM. I love all of them more than I can express. Especially Give Up. It just makes me happy.

Today is the worst day I've had in many many many days. Things have been making me happy lately, but today was just overpowered with sheer badness. I hate emotions.

The thing about being a chick is once a month you have the infamous period. Once you get past the cramps, cravings, bitchiness, short temper, and fear of blood soaking through your pants, you are left with a very vulnerable person. The worst part (aside from the cramps) is the unsurity that what you're feeling is real. The not knowing if everything is just being blown out of proportion. There's a voice in the back of your head telling you it's that time of the month and in a few days you will be back to your happy self, but you still feel all of these horrid feelings that make you want to ball your eyes out.

With that introduction, I will now tell all that I am feeling.

I feel alone. Not with my friends. But with my boyfriend. It's as though I'm not a part of his life but rather a piece that he just glued onto his existing life. It was great at first. There was the illusion of being a part of his life. But, it appears the boy didn't use super glue or hot glue. No, he used the cheapo elmer's glue you used in kindergarten that never lasts. Wow, what a crappy metaphor. I don't care. It fits.

I don't get to talk to him. Ever. Even when he had access to a phone, we didn't converse. Sure we would speak, but it's not the same. It's like there was this wall. We don't know each other. We never have. We know one another's favorite colors and the like, but nothing of importance. Just the basics. Just enough to pass off as an actual relationship. But we have no substance. Yes, we love each other. And yes, I do know that sounds fake coming from a 17 year old, but I feel it, and I believe he feels it. But that's it. I just think that there's more to it. There has to be. Because I don't feel real. I don't feel connected to him in the least. He is my boyfriend. I am his girlfriend. It's all just automatic. A fake reality. I'm making no sense. But these are my feelings, screwed up or not.

We never had a chance. Were we so naive to think this would work? That somehow we could be happy for ages and ages hence. There is no future. At all. In any reality. I've begun waiting for the end. I don't think it will come soon. But, just counting down the days. It's a sad sad feeling.

OR. Maybe I've gone completely crazy, and I will feel complete in a few days. Maybe this is just one of my stupid pity phases where I make everything out of be horrible, so people are nice. Or tell me differently. God, I hope so.

Smeared black ink... your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening to last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath where I am

I'll wear my badge... a vinyl sticker with big block letters adherent to my chest
That tells your new friends I am a visitor here...
I am not permanent
And the only thing keeping me dry is where I am

You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving

D.C. sleeps alone tonight

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If you ever said you miss me then don't say you never lied [12 Apr 2004|08:54pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]
[ music | Brand New - Jude Law and a Semester Abroad ]

Mall today. I had $200+ and I only bought one shirt. I suck at clothes shopping. So, now I have about $185 left because I bought Kanwal a Cd. There was lots of walking, but no buying. I disappoint myself sometimes.

BUT. Saturday was cool. Work was nice because it was just Kanwal and I. Well, there was Zach. But for minimal amounts. We didn't do anything. And I fear we will get bitched out. Again.

THEN. There was fair attendance. It was great. I actually went on rides and whatnot. I hate rides. But I didn't then. It was nice. Kanwal and I went on the Zipper. We were the first ones to get seated, so we had to wait an eternity for the actual ride to start. It was pure torture. Then, we started freaking out because it's an actual ride. A scary one. But to calm ourselves down, we started talking about Canada. We told ourselves that if we could get through this ride, then we could get through anything. And we ended up saying that we'd go through it for Canada. It was great. Then, the ride started. It was so much fun. We were upside down, and all our change fell out of our pockets. God, the ride was great.

We got off, and wanted to go again. But the second time sucked majorly. The bar across our laps was much looser, so we were sliding everywhere. Kanwal was hitting her head on the top, and I was banging my knees against the cage door. I was so freaked that it would just burst open. But, it didn't. A quarter fell out of Kanwal's pocket and hit her in the face. She says it hurts. And the cage cut my thumb. It was sad. We were so happy when it was over. Then, we went home.

We went on lesser rides. Most of them just lasted too long. We got bored a lot.

We counted how many people we knew from school (because we're cool like that). The grand total was 20... ourselves included. Damn we're losers. But we're losers together, so it makes it OK.

All in all, good times were had.

I haven't seen Ryan all spring break. It makes me loads of sad.

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And she defends it with a warped rationale. [31 Mar 2004|08:32pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]
[ music | Brand New - Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades ]

Today was. It just was.

Ryan wasn't there. I was sad on one hand. And I was studying for my Anal Geo test with the other hand, so it all worked out.

I actually cheated on my test. I never cheat. It's not as though I'm some great student who looks down upon people who do cheat. Go you and your balls. But I'm always too paranoid to cheat. I mean, a 60 is better than the zero you'd get for cheating, right? But it was Anal Geo, and there was just so much you needed to know. This one really smart chick, Melissa, even said she didn't know how to find the latus rectum... one of the basic things you need to find. So, I wrote it all down, and snuck a peek now and then. It's good to sit far away from Mr Gray's desk. Mostly because I loathe the man, and a close proximity to him would ensure my immediate downfall. And I get to cheat. It all works out. But we still have two more days of testing. Damn you Mr Gray and your three-day tests.

I was walking to F wing to get some chips, and Mr Collins called after Mr Gray. But, he actually called him Mr Gray. It was funny as hell, and kind of intimidating. Not even Mr Collins is secure enough around the guy to call him by his first name. Bobby *shudders* Come on man, you bargain for the goddamn contracts, you can call him Bobby. Poor Mr Collins. He used to swim naked, you know. In gym. The boys swam naked. Heh, Mr Collins. It's just funny. And I love you.

My throat itches. Like a bitch. A bitch with crabs.

I'm becoming dependant upon Brand New. I was actually going through withdrawals during school. It was folly. I just needed to hear them. Just one song, man, just one song. Come on, hook me up. It was like that. Just like that. Only I wasn't talking to anyone. Or in my head. The words were a feeling. That I felt. Not that I heard. All in all, it wasn't like that at all. But just a little.

There's this guy and he's like whoa. And it's pissing me off.

Ryan said that he loved me the other morning. My response was, "Yah, that's nice." Who the hell says that? Me, that's who, we just went over it. Damn you're not so bright. Back to me. I didn't mean it in a bitchy sort of way. I just always say yah, that's nice. It's just what I say. Mostly because I like not listening to people but still playing an active role in the conversation. Then, Ryan had told James to tell me that he loves me because he wasn't at school. Again, my response, "Yah, that's nice." God, I suck. I suck hard. Hard and bad.

Freshmen need to stop having sex.

For the second time in my life I feel complete. And I don't want to ruin it. Normally, I would consider that blasphemy. The bastardization of Trent Reznor is not a nice thing. But, it's ok because I said it. And it's true.

I just can't stop listening to this song. It is my favorite for the time being. You will find my favorite part bolded. Enjoy.

Keep the noise low.
She doesn't wanna blow it.
Shake from head to toe
While your left hand does "the show me around"
Quickens your heartbeat.
It beats me straight into the ground.

You don't recover from a night like this.
A victim, still lying in bed, completely motionless.
A hand moves in the dark to a zipper.
Hear a boy bracing tight against sheets
Barely whisper, "This is so messed up."

Upon arrival the guests had all stared.
Dripping wet and clearly depressed,
He'd headed straight for the stairs.
No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch,
Unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships.

(Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.)

He keeps his hands low.
He doesn't wanna blow it.
He's wet from head to toe and
His eyes give her the up and the down.
His stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up.
But the body on the bed beckons forward
And he starts growing up.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe
You weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed
But now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

She hits the lights.
This doesn't seem quite fair.
Despite everything he learned from his friends,
He doesn't feel so prepared.
She's breathing quiet and smooth.
He is gasping for air.

"This is the first and last time," he says.
She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He's holding back from telling her
Exactly what it really feels like.

He is the lamb, she is the slaughter.
She's moving way too fast and all he wanted was to hold her.
Nothing that he tells her is really having an effect.
He whispers that he loves her,
But she's probably only looking for...

(Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.)

So much more than he could ever give.
A life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He waits for it to end
And for the aching in his guts to subside.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe
You weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed
But now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe
You weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed
But now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

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Through the mind we flee to space [24 Mar 2004|06:52pm]
[ mood | pleased ]
[ music | Deadsy - The Elements ]

There are no words to describe my new-found love for Deadsy. And by new-found, I mean found about three weeks ago. That's relatively new, right?

Report cards came out today. It goes like this:

1) Analytic Geometry 80B
2) Hons Gov't 91A
3) Sociology 100A (actually 102, but 100 is the highest you can get)
4) Spanish II 95A
5) English Hon III 85B
6) Chemistry 70C

So yah, not too shabby, if I do say so myself. And I do.

I am so excited about AP Psych next year. I was worried about not having an unweighted 3.0 (it's 2.968), but I talked to Mrs DiFranco (love that woman), and she said that she didn't care and signed my course selection sheet. Woot to the fucking maxx.

I'm still not 100% on my classes next year. I have an open slot that could be filled with anything. What I do have is:

English IIII Hons
AP Psych
Anthropology/History of Vietnam War

I don't know if I'm going to take Spanish III or Marine Science. Or Ecology. Or Anatomy/Physiology. I have no freakin clue. Or maybe French, just to get the dry basics for when (hopefully) Kanwal and I go to school in Canada. Dammit, I need to talk to my guidance councilor.

Kanwal and I went to sign-up for the SATs in May, and the chick said that we had to register online. We asked Mrs DiFranco, and she said that they probably just ran out of packets. I say she just didn't want to get off her fat ass. It sucks because I don't have a credit card. And my parents' is maxed out. Like, to the maxx. Grrrness. Mrs DiFranco assured us that she would check into it because not everyone has access to the internet or a credit card. Then she said that it was elitist. Mmmm that's the Mrs DiFranco I know that love. I get to have her twice next year. AP Psych and Anthropology. Complete bliss.

My birthday is on Sunday. Yay? Yah, not really. I just don't care this year.

Well beyond the mortal plane
Lies the place where one's life can be exchanged
No more conscience, no more pain
The now, the past, the future stay the same

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You're the four leaf clover that guides me through [18 Mar 2004|09:03pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | Deadsy - This Goodnight ]

I feel like crizzap. Like woah. To the maxx. Yah, that's right. But now it's the physical rather than the emotional. Always better that way. With the meds and suppression of pain, that is. So yah, things are actually better.

Things happened. Blah blah. Same school crap.

I got the highest grade on my Sociology test. Yay to that. I think that deserves a little worship. Come on, you know you want to bow down to me. Please?

Ryan has been great. As always. See, no matter how shitty things are, I can always rely on the fact that he is the greatest person I have the pleasure of being associated with. I even went so far as to say his greatness exceeded Trent Reznor. Gasp. That's right. Mr Reznor has stepped down from the almighty pedestal. Don't get me wrong, the man is my fucking god, but I have found someone that goes beyond holiness. Crazy isn't it?

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Wah-wah-wah [20 Feb 2004|07:28pm]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | Johnny Rivers - Tracks of My Tears ]

You know on The Little Mermaid where Sebastian is trying to get Eric to kiss Ariel and Scuttle tries to help by screeching? Yah, me neither. But, I have that noise stuck in my head. Quite enjoyable really.

I could not sleep last night. I was so cold. And anxious. About something. Or another. But this is not the time nor place to discuss that. So I won't. The point is I only got four hours of sleep. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was not enjoyable.

Lunch was rather nice. Everyone was happy and gay. And by gay I mean happy. So, that sentence should read: Everyone was happy and happy. Entiendas? Good. Delving into detail -- I felt nauseous, so we had fun with my vending machine Cheetos. James was trying to throw them in everyone's mouth. But his definition of mouth is anywhere, so yah, that was funny. Then, people from the other table started shouting at us because the seagulls were attacking to get the fallen Cheetos. But I don't think anyone but me noticed. It wasn't that big of a deal. I just felt like mentioning it so it looks like I actually wrote something in this paragraph. It is getting rather long and respectable. As paragraphs go, at least.

Dennis Hoffman as a 60-year old salesman is not fun to watch. He creeps me out. We're watching Death of a Salesman. And he is playing his character too much like Rain Man. The whole arm/hand thing. I dunno. It just rubs me the wrong way. Which would be vertically. I don't like being rubbed vertically. And that's what this play turned movie is doing to me. Dude, it's not even like it's a play adapted to take advatage of all the things you can do with a movie. It's a play turned movie/play hybrid. OK, so they have all the lighting and set advantages of a movie. And it's like a normal movie set. Except, there is no roof. Yah, I understand why they wouldn't have a roof for the play. But for the movie??? What the hell? There is no sense left in the world of men.

You know, my smile is my makeup I wear since my break-up with you.

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I don’t want no computer chip in my arm. I don't wanna die by a nuclear bomb. [18 Feb 2004|05:06pm]
[ mood | good ]
[ music | Dead Prez - Propaganda ]

Today was nice. The weather was really cold. Then it got sunny. That was sad. But it was still cold. So that was cool. But the sun. It was out. Not nice.

For the past two days, I haven't had any homework. Imagine that. It's been nice. I actually finished my Anal Geo during class. I get it -- for now. Next week I will be totally clueless... but for now, it's nice.

Mr Lancaster talked about homeless people all period. He has absolutely no sympathy for those who are stricken with poverty. He said something about how with all the programs offered, they have no excuses. And most of them choose to be homeless. What now? That makes about as much sense as something nonsensical. He's also adamantly against abortions. And pro religion in schools. Moderate my ass.

I drank all of my coffee in the morning as opposed to the half I usually imbibe. I had to piss like a mofo during 3rd and half of 4th period. Just thought you should know.

Somehow during our lab in Chemistry, I got potassium iodide all over my hand. Well, I think it's potassium iodide because it's all inky like iodine. So yah, it's not exactly coming off. And by not exactly I mean not at all. I've tried scrubbing it off with hot water and soap, but it's not working. And I swear it's spreading. James said that I'm Michael Jackson in reverse. Shriek.

For Valentine's Day, my parents got me a gnome. He rocks the hizzouse like woah. He's about 3 and a half inches tall, and I named him Misternomer. It was Misnomer, you know misgnomer -- yah. But then I started calling him Mis for short, and that just wasn't working for me. So, he's Misternomer. I've been planning on taking a picture of him and putting it up here, you know, finally doing something with that damn digital camera, but I'm lazy. So I haven't gotten around to it yet. Maybe later. Cross your fingers. It won't help me get over my coach potato-esque-ness or anything. I just like it when people do things that I tell them to. So, thank you for following orders.

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You know you are making me bleed? Why won't you listen to me? Look what it's doing to me. [12 Feb 2004|08:33pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | Gravity Kills - Falling ]

I was so pissed off this morning. I burnt this Cd two nights ago, and I tried to play it in my mom's car on the ride to school but it was too damp or something like that. It would pop out and "ERR" at me, so I would violently shove it back in. This went on for maybe five minutes, and I turned it over to look at the back and it's all scratched up. Then, we tried to get to Krispy Kreme, but there was this huge semi in the way, so I had to go in and order. Yah, it doesn't sound too bad now, but I'm not a morning person and I was about to hurt things.

During lunch, the guys were talking about chicks, and Jason said that he didn't like going out with them (us). Then, the kid whose name I don't know said that he hadn't gone out with anyone since summer. I said me too. James gave me this look like he pittied me. And he gave me a hug. About ten of them. He was just like, "That's so sad." I don't think it was so much that I haven't had a boyfriend in so long, as it was the fact that I haven't found anyone since Ryan. Yah, it made me sad. Tear. When James begged me to ask Kanwal to forgive him for being a bitch, he said that the thought of him losind Kanwal almosr made him feel as bad as Ryan felt when he lost me. Seriously, why would you say that? Do you want me to just start crying in the middle of lunch? I mean, James is cool as hell, but damn, sometimes he just makes me want to crawl in a hole and die.

And in other news, I made Mr Collins happy.

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Do your dreams come true like they say they do? [09 Feb 2004|08:18pm]
[ music | Hate Dept - California ]

My nails are blue and it makes me happy.

Kanwal has Psych now (lucky pakistani bastard) and she had to turn something into Mrs DiFranco. Well, I went with her after school, and it seems that Mrs DiFranco actually remembers me :) She told Kanwal that I was smart and she respects me. And there was something about how I could see things clearly but I didn't talk about them. I dunno. But Mrs DiFranco likes me. Wooot.

I got my interim on Friday and it looks something like this:

1) Anal Geo - 86
2) Hons.Gov't - 97
3) Sociology - 100
4) Spanish II - 99
5) Hons. Eng. III - 86
6) Chem - 53

So, if you just pretend that I don't have a sixth period, it looks pretty damn good. But only when we're pretending.

On Friday Kanwal and I went to the movies. We saw RotK again. Twas good... again.

There's this guy Carl and I guess he likes Kanwal. When we went outside to wait for my mom to come pick us up, we saw him. He practically forced her to sit on his lap, and she tried to get out of it by saying that my mom wouldn't like it. But then I, being the great friend that I am, cut in and said that my mom would probably congratulate him or something. Then, she said that her dad might drive by, but I came back with the fact that he was at work. It was so funny because she was trying her damnedest to get away from him, but I was just like here, take her. She threw me one of those I'm going to kill you looks. It was priceless. I take that back. It was worth $27.64.

Dude, at work, Kanwal threw coke at me. She was attempting to slide it across the table to me, but she lacks smoothness, and it just kind of went bah-loww. Twas all over my pants and my shirt. I was so freaking cold... and sticky. Not pleasant. But then it dried and I washed the sticky off with water. So, all was well.

I talked to Ryan last night and he said that we should hang out. It's so difficult because I talk to him online or something and it's the greatest thing, then I see him and avert my eyes almost instantly. It just hurts, you know? To see him there and whatnot. Grr, damn you high school heartache.

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I want to kill you. I want to blow you away. [03 Feb 2004|09:34pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | Poe - Angry Johnny ]

Mef.... xanga from yesterday:

I am so cold right now. Someone should tell Florida that it is Florida. I think it's going through some kind of identity crisis. Damn you Florida!

We actually got Analytic Geometry books. What a concept. I like them. They have many a greek letter. Trig only had like three. Damn you Trig!

Mr Collins tries to start fights in Sociology. He's like, "All Republicans are greedy bastards! Anyone disagree?" Yah, not really. But he tries to get people to argue all the same.

Dammit, I just spilt water all over my crotchal zone. Now, I'm really cold.

We had a fashion show in English. Everyone had to dress up in crap that represents who they are. I wore normal clothes and just put a bunch of band logos on an orange jacket. We had to write a description of what we were wearing to go along with it. I swore she said that it had to be a page long (double-spaced). So, I made it a page long. Evidently, only three other people heard that is should be that long. I had to stand up there with stripper music playing in the background waiting for Katrina to finish reading mine. She crucified the names of the bands. I even winced a bit. Other than that, it was perfect.

Kanwal and Kate went to the mall on Friday so that Kate could get her Valentine's Day shopping done. Who buys things on Valentine's Day? Anyway, they ran into James, and it got ugly. Kate and James were all over each other, leaving Kanwal feeling less than noticed. Which wouldn't be so bad, I mean they are going out- it's what you do, but Kate and Kanwal were supposed to be spending "quality time" together because they have been somewhat drifting apart. (Amen) So, Kanwal left to go do something with Amber, the only person who was acknowledging her existence, and when she got back, Kate and James were giving her the death stare. Later on, James was being a little bitch, and it made Kanwal uber sad. Then, Kate said she had a headache and just left Kanwal there to walk all the way home. Through the woods. At night. By the cemetary. All alone. Needless to say, Kanwal was a bit perterbed when she later saw Kate going to James' house instead of home to sleep off her headache. So, she called me and vented for awhile. I promised to kick James in the balls for being a little bitch. You know, the ususal. Damn this is getting long. SO, today at lunch James went on and on and on a little more about how he was such an asshole and about how sorry he was. He begged me to tell Kanwal of his repentance, and I did. Of course, she forgave him. And we can all breathe a sigh of relief that I finally finished telling the story.

Moving on- after school, Kanwal and I saw James. We went to give him hugs and say our hellos. When we were parting, he started to raise his hand to wave to us, when his hand barely grazed my breast. Oh my, he all but freaked out. He was like, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. It wasn't intentional. I didn't mean to," so on and so forth. It was funny. I just looked at him and said, "Sure, James, sure."

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Friendship must be earned and affection's not for sale [30 Jan 2004|07:03pm]
[ mood | worried ]
[ music | Covenant - Unforgiven ]

Too lazy to make a new entry for today. Plus, nothing is worth speaking of here. Here's my xanga entry from yesterday:

I have the worst headache ever. I dislike it.

Trig test = me feeling like a complete moron. Go me.

Mr Collins tried to get me to join his church. He's not a Christian, so it's OK. He's a Unitarian. I guess thet're very liberal and their main belief is that everyone deserves respect and has dignity. The main goal is to grow spiritually. Doesn't sound too bad. Yesterday, we were going down the rows and saying what church that we went to, then it turned into what religion you were. So, today after class he was like, "You said you were agnostic yesterday. Have you ever heard of Unitarian or Universalism? Well, we basically believe that everyone has dignity and worth. We have members from all sorts of religions- Buddhists, Hindus. Most people say that we're too liberal, but it's an excellent support system. We have a great youth program. Just thought I'd tell you." Yah, it made me happy. Mmmmm, Mr Collins try to convert me more.

The other day I was freezing, so James gave me his jacket. Well, I didn't give it back yesterday because he said some bitch things to Kanwal. It was really cold today, and I felt bad. I took the jacket to school, and I was going to give it to him, but Kanwal was cold, so I gave it to her. Well, I found this mood ring in the bathroom at school this morning. Naturally, I took it. Hey man, free jewelry is free jewelry. I broke off the color changing plastic and scraped off the black stuff. It was all silver and shiny and pretty. To join two stories, James took it and said that he wouldn't give it back until he got his jacket. So, we're getting ready to leave lunch, and I told him to give me back my ring. He got down on one knee and handed it to me. It was cute. But then, he took it after school. I am without new-found ring. Bastard.

We had to make masks in English. Ms Chambliss made us choose from the non-violent activists we wrote our research paper on. I chose Gandhi because he has no hair, and I figured it would be relatively easy. Needless to say, I have no creativity whatsoever. I cut out brown construction paper and glued yarn on it. To make matters worse, we had to present the damn thing to the class. I went up and there and was like, "I'll just let you guys awe at my creativity for a second." Then, I said, "Uh, he has glasses and a felt mouth and a moustache. It's Gandhi." Then Ms Chambliss asked me why I chose Gandhi. And I said, without skipping a beat, "It was the sex appeal. Yep, definitely the sex appeal." Yah, Ms Chambliss enjoyed that one. She loves her animal magentism.

I don't know how many of you have watched Moby Dick, but this one kid, Jonathan, made a mask of Henry David Thoreau, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Abe Lincoln. Well, Jonathan could only find one bobbily eye, so Thoreau totally looked like Captain Ahab. Damn that was the funniest thing I have ever seen. I laughed so hard.

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Days away I still feel you touching me, changing me, and considerately killing me. [22 Jan 2004|08:28pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]
[ music | Tool - H. ]

Update? No.

Just kidding. Damn I'm hilarious. As I shoot myself.

Moving on. Kanwal and I fought about salad yesterday. Yes, that's correct, we have nothing better to do than fight over salad. OK, but she said that she wanted to start eating healthier while we were at Dairy Queen (after ordering a banana split- go figure). Not a bad plan, but she said something about us dying of heart attacks if we made poor eating choices for the next year because I had said that I have little control over my food intake- I eat what is available because if I pass up a burger due to no healthy alternatives, I will likely get dizzy and perhaps black out... it's happened before. Wow. Longest sentence ever written. Anyway, I tried to interject by saying that I'm sure we could start eating healthier once we went on to college and were the ones who were buying the food. But, she insisted that if we didn't start now, we would surely die an obesity-caused death. Yah, there was some yell-age, and we didn't speak the rest of the way home. Good times.

But, today was better. I had so much homework to do last night, and was content with it because I didn't have to work and had ample time to complete the aforementioned work. To make a boring story end quickly, I didn't do it. I take that back- I did English and half of Trig. So, I went to school today dreading all of my classes. But the goodness came. Mr Gray said he assigned us too many problems and would be lienent when grading our papers (Sympathy from Mr Gray? He must be dying.). Then, Mr Lancaster didn't check homework and gave us the answers anyway. I got to finish my Spanish homework before class, and I finished the Rosa Parks book for English that we took a test on today. So yah, woot to things working out.

We got to work with Zach tonight. It was lovely. I wore his jacket, so I have lingering Zack smell. It's nice. Plus, he used big words that made me melt. Mmmm smart guys who can have a discussion with you about guns/environmental issues/communism while Kanwal is screaming (emphasizing, she calls it) at you that you're wrong. He and his girlfriend were fighting and it made Kanwal and I sad. How dare she make our beloved Zack distraught. Damn her to the deep south. Yes, the deep south... where nobody should have to live.

Tool is god-like.

"As the walls come down
And as I look in your eyes,
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of those times I have died
And will die.
It's all right.
I don't mind.

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It's she who holds her tongue who gets the man [08 Jan 2004|08:21pm]
[ mood | sore ]
[ music | Little Mermaid - Poor Unfortunate Souls ]

Update? Yah, why the hell not?

OK, so things were great. Then school started. Need I say more? Well, I'm going to anyway, so say yes. Say it dammit! This isn't just idle chatter, people. I need responsiveness. And maybe medication of some sort.

Moving on, I got to work with Zach today. Oh Zachary, how I love you. He is so great. It's one of those things where you can't explain it, and if you try, it lacks in greatness. Kind of like it diminishes if you talk about it. Or something. Awe at my articulateness.

So, I'm going to tell you a story. This is a rather funny story that will pleasure some of you more than others. You sadistic bastards. So, I like baggy pants... long, baggy pants that cover my shoes because ewww feet. Well, most of my pants rip at the bottom where I walk on them. One of my newer pairs of pants is at this stage and I just happen to be wearing said pants in this story. As it goes, I am wearing the pants that have a huge rip in the back, making a huge hole. So, I'm walking to Spanish like a good little girl, right? And I'm minding my own business when, out of no where, I fall flat on all fours. My foot got caught in my pants, and I went down. Oh my, it was funny. But, same as when I fell at work and pulled out a chunk of my hair, no one saw. Well, this one really loud black chick saw and was laughing her ass off. As was I, so it was OK. Damn, you should have been there. I told everyone. I have no humility. Well, I do, but it's moronic stuff that I'm not going to mention because it's humiliating. But yah, it was great fun.

OK, run down of new classes:

1) Analytic Geometry = Trig. Yes, it is the same exact class. Mr Gray is still my teacher, it is the same period, I have the same seat (Bjoern's still behind me), and we are even using the same book. No change whatsoever. Oh, other than about half of the kids have transferred out of the class. Lucky bastards. If there wasn't a sexy German kid, and there was another class I wanted to take, I would be out of there. But alas, it is not so.

2) Honors Government. Dude, I love this class. My teacher, Mr Lancaster, is the coolest (second to Mrs DiFranco, of course). He goes off on tangents like woah. He gave us a brief description of almost all the presidents that he has seen in his adult life. I like it.

3) Sociology. Now, this is the class that is replacing Psychology, so I must tread lightly. I like it. It's great because all we do is talk about social issues and whatnot. Plus, it's Mr Collins. There are 38 people in the class. And only 8 of them are guys. So, it's funny when one of them takes a non-feminist stand because they practically get jumped. I really like that class. It's no Psychology, but I can deal with it.

And that's it. All the rest are the same.

We're doing a research paper in English, and Ms Chambliss was talking about the importance of saving everything we do to disk, so if our computer crashes, we still have all our work. She was like, "All you have to do is go next door and offer sexual favors in exchange for use of their computer... money if that doesn't work. But the sexual favors usually work." Dude, Ms Chambliss rocks the hizzouse.

There's this chick, Krystal... maybe Crystal, but I like k's more. Anyway, she likes me. Evidently, a lot. She's the one that stole the Cd for me during x-mas break. Yah, I have no feelings on this issue right now.

There's more, but this is getting long and I need to type up that research paper. Plus, I'll have nothing to talk about during the weekend. That's all.

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And to all a goodnight... [31 Dec 2003|11:57pm]
[ mood | pleased ]
[ music | TV blarring in background ]

Hmmm, last entry of 2003. Who gives a fuck? I'm tired of people pretending that it makes a difference what year it is. I'm tired of people fooling themselves into thinking they somehow are getting a new start. As though everything from years gone past will magically dissolve when the clock strikes midnight. Give me a break you self-deceivers.

I finally saw Return of the King. I am in love with it... as with the rest of the movies. But, with this movie more so. It rocked the hizzouse, as Kanwal would say. So, it was Kanwal and me, and it was great. I told her Frodo was really dead when Shelob bit/stung him. I'm not sure what it's called when a spider does it.... I'll just say injected him with temporary-paralyzing venom to be on the safe side. Anyway, I didn't want her to feel assured that he was going to live because I cried when I read that part in the book, and I needed someone to share in my pain. I dunno. She hit me like twice when she found out he was alive. Dude, I was so very close to bawling my eyes out when Denethor told Faramir he wished that he'd (Faramir) have died instead of Boromir.... and by "so very close", I mean my eyes welled up with tears, but I wiped them away before any of them fell, so, technically, I didn't cry. It was so fucking sad. I mean, when reading the book, you don't see the look on the people's faces. I just wanted to hug him and tell him I was glad he was alive instead of Boromir. But then again, I'm a loser. And what the hell is with the Shire being all nice and green? I knew they would change that part. In the book hadn't the Shire been overrun by Orcs, and the hobbits had to oust them? I understand why they changed it... it was 3 and a half hours as is, but still. It's the principle of the matter. Just like cutting out Bill the pony. I loved that fucking pony! Damn screenwriters.... damn you all.

So, everything is amazing. This is the best way to end the year (even though it has no impact on the year to come or any of that other self-deceiving nonsense). Anyway, it seems like the whole Ryan/Kanwal/me saga is being put to rest..... FINALLY. It just feels so nice. It makes me feel warm. And safe.

OK, so Kate hates me. And her reasoning? I make her feel dead. She says I have unseeing eyes. Explanation: I don't acknowledge her, and it scares her. Wait, it gets better. She contemplates her existence because if no one notices her, how does she know that she's alive? Oh my. So, she needs me to validate her existence? It makes no sense. I laughed so hard when Kanwal told me all of this. I have unseeing eyes. lol. Good stuff, Kate, good stuff.

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