Scalding Downpour's Blurty|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in
Scalding Downpour's Blurty:
|Saturday, November 15th, 2003|
'ts been a while
it's been a while since i type in this journal. i doubt that flower checks this one anymore. anyways, i think i am going to stop going after flower.... at least for a quite some time for now. it was a hard decision to make, but im gona follow through with it. things seem to be quite peachy for flower, and if she's happy, i'm happy. but although that eric seems to be noticing the crap he's doing, i still am ready for him in case he shows us that he was modeling another mask. if he does..... ooooh man, ima be so pissed. but i think its for real now... at least for now. anyways, last sunday, i met this very prety girl. of course i cant remember what she looks like, but i do remember she's very pretty. my grandmother was dying for me to meet her (prolly b/c she goes to a jehova's witnesses church), and i was like, "w/e i dont care", but she had to come over to do a project on the computer. when she came with my aunt and grandmother, i saw her and was like "holy god! this IS a joke, right?!?!?! my god! definately one for the princess category... that's the second one this year!" she is a girl from Venesuela. she speaks almost no english, so i have to talk to her in spanish. my spanish is far from perfect, but when i speak to her... its like, i dont mess up as often, and i speak faster. heh. she is very funny and she got me to dance in front of my mom. yea, i danced with her a merengue or a salse. not sure which one, maybe both. hehe. anyways, i danced with her in front of my mom. my mom hadnt seen me dance since i was extremely young, and i never wanted to in front of her, but i had to! i'm not gonna have the girl think i'm a bad sport! she's getting al her first impressions of me! i cant make myself look bad. her first name is Francheska. her full name, however, consists of 4 names. hah. quite funny. well, she isnt as prettier than flower. she is pretty in a slightly different way than flower, but all i remember of the way she looks is her light brown hair, her lips, and her stomach. vaguely i remember her cheeks, but that's it. anyways, she left me her project and I have to finish it. oh well. it sucks, but if i'm to kep any chances i have with her, than i better do that project Pronto!
Current Mood: thinking
|Saturday, November 1st, 2003|
damnit, i hate it when im thinking and then i get interrupted by something and then im screwed b/c i lose my train of thought. let's see... (trying to continue) but i havent lied to Flower besides just that thing when i denied being the one that james was talking about when he asked her if she had a boyfriend, and then said yes and asked who wanted to know, and then he said he couldnt tell. she asked me if i was the one he was talking about, and i wasnt sure if i should tell ehr because she might look at me in a bad way, seeing that i was "stubborn" and didnt give up. when i said that it wasnt me, she was dissappointed because "it was really bugging her that she didnt know who was after her". but i dont think it bothers ehr at all anymore. i bet she forgot about it a long time ago and i wonder if bringing it up will piss her off. well, i doubt it. its Flower :) she doesnt piss off that easily.heh. besides, she deserves to know. i felt horrible for lying to her. i dont think i'll ever do it again. i feel all bad and stuff. -sigh- aaaaaaaanyways, the party wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. i mean, it wasn really party anyways. its basically a neighbor-get-together-and-meet-eachother party. i live in a pretty new subdivision, and the people around us dont know eachother. my dad was making stupid comments before we went. i didnt wanna go, so he was saying "talk to all the people over there. you might meet new friends and you can play with them. maybe you'l meet a pretty girl that likes you." then i told him "you're such a dumbass!" and he says "well, that's right, you dont like girls. maybe you'll find a nice boy.....(keeps talking shit as i interrupt)"--"you know what? one of these days, im gonna turn gay on you, or pretend to be gay to see what the fuck you'll do! knowing you, you'll probably disown me, or take me in the car with you and drive around until you see an amblance, and when all the traffic stops for the ambulance, you'll kick me out of the door to get slammed by the speeding ambulance!" then he says, "i would never do th--" (interrupts again) "yea, it'll be easier to tie me to the train tracks!" then he says, "no i'll be disappointed but 'll still love you and.....(basically bullshit)." he doesnt know about flower. i wouldnt tell him about flower. i'm not sure if i'll ever end up with her. this is so hard. i'm at the edge right here, or so i feel im at the edge. i mean that, its like a game of tug of war. between flower and i lies a bottomless pit. she is pulling hard and im at the edge of the pit. i can fall in any second, because she can turn me down in an instant. for now, what i understand is that i have been set aside. i have no idea what flower feels for me. all i know is that flower knows that "i have everything she's ever wanted in a guy". yeah, it sound really good to me too, but it doesnt say a thing about how she feels about me. i believe she's holding back. if its something bad, like, something negative, then she isnt telling me because she doesnt want to hurt me, someone who she knows how he feels about ehr, but if she deos like me, then she's holding back because she still likes Shadow and she doesnt wanna cheat on him by telling if, or how much, me she likes me, and she also might not wanna tell me becasue she might think that telling me that she likes me will only make me approach her even more. anyways, my dad had told me, "why, do you have somethign better to do?" and im thinking in my head, "well, YEAH! i can do what i think about doing all day (even in my sleep), talk to flower! i can also type in my journal about flower; the next best thing. i would try to sleep and dream about her (i usually have her in at least one of my dreams every night for at least a brief moment), but what if i am alseep while she's online? that wuld be horrible. i can also play video games, but i'd probably stick around and see if she comes online." but of course, i didnt tel him that. im not mentioning flower oo much around him, b/c if he finds out i am crazy about her, then he, and my mom too, will see me fail once more, that is, if i do fail after all. im not telling my parents about girls who i am trying to get because in case i fail, then they wont see me fail; they'll see that nothing happened, that i never put effort into winning someone, and so i couldnt fail. its like a boxing match. you cant lose if you dont enter. anyways, Shadow appears to be getting his shit together as of now, but the key word remains as "appears", for he has pulled a mask that resembles this one before... but is it another mask? this time, he's even fooled me, but we will know in about..... i'd say........... in 3 weeks. yup yup yup. i'd say 3 weeks is about enough time to see if he is for real, or if he's full of more shit than one of them fertilizer trucks. man (jumping to something a little off topic), same thing happened with Lizzy; i had something planned ahead of time to say, something that i was just waiting to say, and when it came to the time when i could finally say it.. i forgot to say it! damn! well, in the "novel" that i wrote to her, i forgot to say something that i thought of when i heard her full name for the first time (just so you know, a "novel" is a joke that i have for when i type away for a long-ass time on AIM before i finally send what im typing). well, when i saw her, i was like, "wow, she's beautiful; definately one for the princess category..." and then when i heard her name, i misunerstood as i asked in verification, "Molly?" and i thought of the guinea pig my aunt i used to have called Molly (you couldnt tell its head from its butt). but it wasnt her name, and and she says, "Holly" and i then thoght "wow, pretty name too." then i heard her lst name one day when these yearbook picture proparazzi people came (or however you spell that), and they asked for her name. i was like "yay, im gonna hear her last name". i expected something unusual for some reason, but when she said, "Christian", i heard her full name and then thought, "Wow..... an absolutely beautiful name, and a face to match it perfectly." i kept thinking about that, and when i forgot to put it i the "nevel", i fel like crap. im like "great, its too late now". and its WAAAAY too late now. i mean, its like a joke. if you wait a second too late to crack it, it'll be pointless, powerless. i wonder if flower came on while i went to the "party" and to my grandma's house... oh well. oh, i went to Pinch-A-Penny today and Lizzy was there. i mean, she wasnt there first, but soon, the door opened and the little alarm "beep-beep" thing that beeps when the door opens grabbed my attention to the door. when i saw the girl there, i was like "w.. w.... wha.........what? i... iii-iiiis that liz?" and i looked a little harder. and i noticed it was. i was happy to see her. i went over there and hugged her. she said that she came b/c she saw me walking in and she cme by to say hi and how i been. she was apparently driving by. her mom was inthe passenger seat. her mom is such a good person. such a happy person. she makes the people around her happy. but it was unusual for her to do that. she must've had alot of free time or somethin'. i said "is that your mom out th... naw.. that's not your mo........ wait, it IS your mom!" and i went out to say hi to her. i knocked on the car door and she lowers the window. i give her a hug though the window and i think she thought i was gonna kiss her. i mean, i wish i would have. god knows that she loves me more than her daughter does. lol. well, that's a statement that i joke with, but may very much possibly be very true (notice i put alot of positives in that. lol). my dad said "that was unusual to do somehting likethat" and i was thinking the saaaame thing. then he says "her mom probably said 'YOU TURN HERE, AND GO OVER THERE RIGHT NOW AND SAY "HI" TO ROBERTO!" lol. that was funny. damn. its late. i gotta go to church tomorrow and its 1:32. oh, by the way, my first journal's username is "nakedflamingo". you might wanna check that out. well, i spent alot of time on this journal. i better lay it to rest. 'night
A second journal
this i s a second journal of mine. i had another one, but Flower discovered it. i mean, she found out that i knew that she knew about my journal. i got my best friend, Daniel (james), to tell her. i wanted ehr to see that i wasnt just typing that stuff in my journal just so she can hear it. i wanted to SHOW her that it is realy how i felt. she said "oh my god, i didnt know you felt that way about me" when i showed her my journal, but she had already known a little before hand. i wanted her to absorb it. and she did, for she knew about the journal, and she had to keep quiet about it. she couldn't talk to me about it. she couldnt comment nor make sudden decisions because if she said something to me, then "i would know" that she knew about the journal. james told her "dont tell roberto". you may think it was a dirty move, but hey, i think it was necessary for her to actually see how i felt. i mean, i definately didnt make ANYTHING up in the journal. theres' only one thing that i lied to her about. but it was somehting minor. im gonna tell her soon. i should, b/c my reason for lying to her was that i didnt want her to know that i was still going after her, knowing that she had a boyfriend. but im actively doing that very thing right nw, right under her nose, and she knows it. well, my parents are bitching at me to go to a shiity-ass0party now. gotta go.