Courtney's Blurty

Subject:	crimson and clover
Time:	10:42 pm.
Mood:	groggy.
Music:	"Summer Days" by Do As Infinity.

I'm going to Destin for Spring Break w/ my Aunt Lynn! YAAAY! We're gonna get in some one-on-one time, LOL! I've just been in a really rocky mood lately. I have a friend who's really emotionally vulnerable, and dealing with that situation really gets me down b/c he never listens to me. And I've felt so stupid and out-of-touch with who I used to be. I used to feel smart, but I just don't anymore. But I guess that's good realizing I'm a retard, b/c I think I was probably getting an ego because of it. I also have another friend who has a friend who's moving and he's really heartbroken over it. Whoever reads this (Anna and/or Aunt Paula) please pray for him! LOL ... Anyway, I teared up when I was reading abt it on his LV. And I got really sad when writing my new poem "Calm Surrender".
"Calm Surrender"

I'm just lying here,
Listening to the rain
With just another moment to die.
I want to be warm in Your embrace,
Releasing a lifetime's worth of tension.
No more tears or gnashing of teeth-
All I want is to love You freely
When I've been lying lethargic in this bed far too long.
Everyone else has come and gone
But I have clung on
Caught in the midst of my dying breath.
I've never been so happy
Than at this minute,
Knowing I'm about to look my Love in the face;
Giving myself up
In this calm surrender.

March 8, 2004

Comments: The speaker of this poem is an old woman (old Courtney, perhaps?) who has outlived her family members and has nothing left to live for. She's dying all alone, but nothing, not even the fact that she's dying, bothers her-she's so excited to finally be with Jesus. Its how I feel sometimes-I just want to give him a big hug. I got teary-eyed several times while writing this poem ... LOL.

Anyway .. I've just felt kinda crappy. But I was in an awesome mood this weekend, b/c my friends' problems weren't weighing me down (b/c I play the psychiatrist) and I got to spend some time with my friend Clay. He makes me happy :). Especially when I've had a crappy week and we can just walk around the church and talk about rabid peacocks or the time we fell asleep on the couch together when we were little (awwe!) LOL .. He was defending me when this moron kept telling me how weird I was and making fun of me. And Seth and Megan actually missed me while they were at All State, and Megan thinks I'm pretty. Clay & Kim think I have a good singing voice, and that makes me feel good about myself. I've also decided to not down myself anymore. I've decided it was my devil trying to make me not appreciate what God has given me. It used to make me really depressed but I'm gonna really fight it off. Clay helped me realize it takes more effort to hate myself than to be OK with myself (sorry to keep talking abt him LOL) and he's right. So I'm not gonna do it anymore. If you hear me doing it, slap me. BTW .. I saw The Passion. Awesome. Cried the whole time. Love Jim Caviezel. I wanna watch The Count of Monte Christo. Ta ta for now.

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Subject:	not much up
Time:	7:35 pm.
Mood:	geeky.
Music:	"Elephant Love Medley" Moulin Rouge Soundtrack.

I went to a rock concert a couple weeks ago! WOO!! It was Disciple (a Christian rock band). It was so awesome .. I met the lead singer in the parking lot b4 the concert. Then I won an East West cd. Heh .. great stuff. Then there's been Sean's birthday party, and the youth group thing I brought Jay to so she could meet Clay and Clay didn't show, and I'm going to see The Passion next Sunday, and that's about it. I've started writing in my 'journal' recently, but there's nothing to write, really. I have a bunch of details about the whole 'Tasha ordeal' in there too, which is so funny. Well, that's it for now.

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Subject:	Musings and Maxims
Time:	9:39 pm.
Mood:	contemplative.
Music:	"Zombie" The Cranberries.

I just tried to write a poem, but, alas, to no avail. I made a new friend Chris!! HAHA!! He's really funny and intelligent and gave me a cameo role in his sprite comic LOL!! Anyway, I just made a few cool cd mixes named "Freddypillar" (from Freddy vs Jason), "Rabid Feather Boas", "The Caine Madness" (from Evolution) and "Orange Armpit Monkeys" (thanks Chris! LOL!). I've been able to use the internet in my room now and its awesome! We have a cordless router so we don't have to plug a million things up every time we wanna get on. I just feel like writing a poem, but I don't know what about. I want intelligence, fulfillment. I feel hungry and yearning for something, but I'm not sure exactly what .. and my music's making it worse. LOL .. music gets me so emotional! Then again .. so does LOTR. My friend Clay invited me to the 'great viewing' of all the extended LOTR movies when the last one comes out. I'm gonna cry! I told him I'm gonna be looking forward to this for the next year .. LOL. Well, that's about it for now. Ciao!

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Subject:	Story
Time:	9:43 pm.
Mood:	chipper.
Music:	"Remember.

I just decided to write a story! Thanks to Lacee who inspired me to begin writing again! LOL ... anyway, it's gonna be a romance/tragedy. I'll probably not even finish it, but it's a nice feeling. Here's a sample. This is when Devyn, the leading man, dies. He's shot by an arrow, but I don't know what the circumstances will be yet.

“May I a-ask something of you?” He coughed and sputtered, blood beginning to show at the corner of his mouth.
“Anything!” Ailla choked weakly, her voice feeling as if it was about to break.
“Let me r-rest my head in—in your lap.” He tried to smile as she repositioned him, deeply searching her eyes as he looked up at her. She could feel her heart breaking in her chest as she gently stroked his hair.
“I’m s-so sorry to be l-leaving you.”
“Don’t be sorry. You’ll never really leave me.” His eyes became desperate.
“Kiss me.” She closed her eyes, leaned in and kissed him. She could feel his shallow breaths on her cheek begin to slow, and they were so cold. Finally, they stopped and she was too afraid to let him go … then he really would be gone.
“I love you,” she whispered, holding him in her arms one last time, violently sobbing heart-felt tears onto his shoulder. She wanted to hold in his warmth; she wanted her love to make him live forever, but it couldn’t.

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!!

Characters so far: Ailla-leading lady
Devyn-leading man
Ryol-young prince
Argoel-witch

OK then ... I'll keep ya posted.

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Subject:	Story
Time:	9:43 pm.
Mood:	chipper.
Music:	"Remember.

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Subject:	High ho the dairy-O! The Farmer in the Dell!!
Time:	8:15 pm.
Mood:	complacent.
Music:	Golden Girls Reunion.

LOTR IS COMING OUT!! YEEEEAAAAHHHHH!! THIS IS SOOOO ::INSERT ADJECTIVE CURSE WORD HERE:: GREAT!! ::ANOTHER CURSE WORD:: I've been feeling all nervous and shaky today ... aack! Anyway, this girl who graduated from my school a couple years ago came and talked about her going to Amsterdam, Holland and working as a missionary there. It sounded really cool, b/c the Europeans love to write poetry and do other forms of arm, and do a lot of thinking and discussing stuff. YAY! I SO wanna go! They seem like cool intellectual people ... I wish they liked Americans more. LOL!! Anyway, this dude I used to like--I'm not getting into it!!--has no eyebrows! I saw him yesterday and HE HAS NO EYEBROWS!! I don't know if he lost a bet, or maybe they just fell out ... hell, maybe he just got razor-happy. BUT THEY ARE GONE!! And he looks BAAAD without them ... lol. Well ... that's it for me. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

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Subject:	...
Time:	1:13 pm.
Mood:	bitchy.
Music:	"Book of Dreams" Enya.

I am so sleepy right now! I'm in Typing at school.. Anyhoo, I started a new website [ www.geocities.com/a_poets_heart_4ever ] to put my poetry up on. Right now there's nothing on it, though, but I hope there will be soon. GUESS WHAT?! I'm going to go see Scary Movie 3 with Jay on Friday! Then I'm going to the annual Bush Halloween Bash with her and we're gonna hang out with some drunk and gay ppl!! LOL!! I'm gonna be Lydia from Beetlejuice [ the movie ] and Jay's gonna be Ghetto Girl. Actually, my lil cuz Grant [ the one with the 'pimp walk'] is gonna be Pimp Daddy. And the sad thing is... they're the most normal ppl on my Mom's side of the family. Everyone else plays head games and is retarded and cruel. But.. who cares? I'M trying not to. Well.. I'll update again later. Tootles!

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Subject:	Dusty bookshelves
Time:	1:09 pm.
Mood:	thoughtful.
Music:	midi of "Change the World".

Wo0ow!! I haven't updated in fooorever!! I finally wrote some more poems, but I don't have them with me right now because I'm in typing. LOL!! I learned that short comments on one's poetry is super because, without a little explanation, people have NO idea what you're talking about most of the time. Anyway, I turned the poems into Clay, this guy who goes to my church and asked me to be in this writing group with some of his friends who like to write poems and short stories. I was like.. YAAAAAY! I've started a little InuYasha fanfiction about this new girl who is friends with all the main guys (Inu, Miroku, and Koga) and hangs out with them all the time. Like me and my friends Seth, Sean and Aaron. Its gonna be ggrreeaatt!! LOL!! Oh, please visit my site that I'm updating [ www.geocities.com/theanimatrix3000 ], especially if you're a fan of InuYasha. Its soo super! It has a lot of music on it. Anyhoo, I must leave you. Ciao!

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Subject:	I wrote a poem!! YAYNESS!!
Time:	8:00 pm.
Mood:	crazy.
Music:	"Star Wars in 30 Seconds" Weird Al.

I finally wrote a poem. I am so happy!! Its like a huge boulder in my path has been rolled away. I wrote another but this is the better one. I want you to think about this poem. It has deep meaning that won't be realized right away.

“Modern Society”

I can’t eat.
I can’t sleep.
Voices in my head—
I can hear them whisper
Sins I’ve never committed.
Alone and unconnected to God,
I can never please my fellow man.
They rip away my clothes, my thoughts, my body, my religion. [this line means that 'society' rips each of these away bit by bit]
Powerless, I become nothing but an empty shell of flesh and bone
To fill with animal instinct and a pre-programmed mindset.
There is no refuge—
No faith.
No God.
No hope.
Where have we squandered freedom?
Most importantly, what have we done with love—
The force that once set us free
But now suffocates us with flesh and blood.
Remember your origins—
Remember when you were free to think, to feel, to move.
When we were more than a naked body
Hiding in the darkness of our own ignorance.
More than a mannequin.
More than a statue.
More than Modern Society has made us.

9/3/03

Think "Minority Report"/Clones in "Star Wars: Episode Two".

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Subject:	::yawn::
Time:	7:29 pm.
Mood:	contemplative.
Music:	"Haunted" Evanescence [ my new fave song!! YAAAY!! ].

Looking at pictures of actors is depressing. Its like.. "No, you can't do that! You're MIIIIIINE!!" But then you remember.. NOOOO!! This person doen't know I'm alive!! ::smothers Mooney for comfort:: [ yeah.. eeh.. for those of you who live here.. Its Remus Lupin, not Justin. ::cough cough:: ] I've been trying to write another poem. I got as far as a line and a half.. I even put a kick ass tune to it, but I forgot it. ::cries:: Y'Know.. Evanescence lyrics kinda sound like my poetry.. if it was A LOT better.. AnYwAy.. my poem so far is, "Where were you when I woke up bleeding/In someone else's arms". It SORTA sounds like it means something else.. a select few of you will understand what I mean.. ::cough:: Maybis!! ::cough cough:: ::gasps with laughter:: It has a little bit of potential.. like that "razorblade in my apple" bit.. but I don't know. I haven't been able to write poetry lately. It makes me sad. Ok.. that's all for now.

A thousand bleeding roses you smell
Calling you to me

Hey.. the sickness is lifting after all.. LOL!!

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Subject:	::yawn::
Time:	7:29 pm.
Mood:	contemplative.
Music:	"Haunted" Evanescence [ my new fave somg!! YAAAY!! ].

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Subject:	"Are you serious?" "...Yes I am."
Time:	1:28 pm.
Mood:	lazy.
Music:	"Build Me Up Buttercup" Clay Aiken.

I wrote some more on my fanfic. Its later that day... I'll fill you in on the rest later.

------------
“Take this to Lupin and the others, Hedwig.” The snowy white owl cocked her head in answer. Harry hastily scribbled onto a scrap of paper, muttering to himself as he wrote. “Everything’s fine here. Take care of yourselves. See you soon, Harry.” Attaching the note to Hedwig’s outstretched leg, Harry opened the window and watched his owl disappear into the fading pink horizon. He crawled clumsily onto his tiny bed and fell quickly onto a paralyzing, deep sleep.

..::*::..::*::..::*::..::*::..::*::..

Drifting into darkness, Harry found himself in a horribly familiar place. His body was thin and misshapen, but strong. “Where is the boy, Sirius?” he asked in a snarling, raspy, snakelike voice that was not his own. “If you don’t tell me, I’ll just hurt you again.” Harry realized he was addressing a bloody heap of hair and robes, huddled at his feet.

“No,” it growled weakly.

“I can’t hear you, my friend,” said the disgustingly calm voice. Pointing his wand with one pale, spidery hand, he muttered, “Crucio,” and sent the heap into another fit of pain. Sirius screamed in agony.

“I SAID NO, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” He was thrown into a coughing fit, his body violently convulsing, The glittering in the walls seemed to shine even brighter whenever he made a loud noise.

“Now, now… we mustn’t call names.” Voldemort nudged the mass of robes with his foot. “We could play these games for an eternity. I have the time.” Sirius raised his head. His eyes were bloodshot, and his face scratched and smeared with dirt, but still it was laced with the remains of the handsome man he once was. Scowling, he spat blood onto Voldemort’s foot. “I am losing my patience with you. Now tell me where Harry Potter is, or I shall have to kill you.”

Sirius was silent. “This is very unlike you, Sirius,” Voldemort said, sounding remotely surprised. “Risking your life instead of saving your own skin. You’ve changed a lot since you murdered all those people.”

“That’s bullshit, and you know it,” Sirius spat hatefully.

“Maybe so. I know so many things, so many liars… so many people to kill….”

“Shut the hell up! Kill me… get it over with. You know I won’t talk. I never have,” Sirius sputtered between clenched teeth. Voldemort stabbed his wand at Sirius, making his limp form fly across the room and slam into the shimmering wall.

“Tell me now, Sirius, or I might take you up on your offer.”

Sirius tried to stand, supporting himself against the wall. His weak legs trembled in pain. Voldemort watched as blood tricked from the corner of Sirius’ mouth and down into the hollows of his neck. Staring Voldemort in the eyes, Sirius oped his robes, exposing his scratched, beaten, but well-muscled chest. “Do it, then,” he growled, smiling. “Take your best shot.”

..::*::..::*::..::*::..::*::..::*::..

Harry awoke with a jerk. His eyes and throat stung, but he refused to cry. As he clutched at his burning scar, a horrible thought came to him. He’s mocking me. Sirius is dead, he knows that. I can feel it, he’s… happy. The filthy bastard’s making joke of me.

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Subject:	CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR HP&TOOTP!!
Time:	10:00 pm.
Mood:	crushed.
Music:	"Easier to Run" Linkin Park [ I know, Lacee.. ::sniffle:: ].

I cried for.. quite a long time after I read that Sirius died. I set a personal best for reading.. over 400 pages in one day!! That took me from when Harry snogged Cho to when his godfather bought the farm. I want to believe in the resurrected Sirius.. but right now I can't. Maybe JK will have a little heart before she stops writing the series. Until then.. the little bugger's on my list!! I started writing a torture fan fic... haven't named it yet but I thought I'd see what ya'll think of what I have...

---

"Hello?" He asked breathlessly, snatching up the telephone, annoyed that it would dare to interrupt his brooding over the events of the past few months. They had passed so quickly... So much had been lost in the rush...

"Hi... Harry."

"Cho?" He felt as if a bucket of ice water had been poured down his throat and was now drowning his insides. "Er... Hi. What's up?"

"Harry... I just wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you a lot over the summer... And I just... And I-I --"

Gripping the phone tighter in his nervousness, Harry stammered, "Ch-Cho? I-I can't hear you... The reception's bad... Cho, all I can hear are these strange clicking noises..."

..::*::....::*::..::*::..::*::..::*::..

Harry's eyelids fluttered. He found himself, not in the room with the telephone, but suffering another summer in Number Four, Privet Drive. The strange clicking noises were caused by Hedwig, who had been busily rapping her beak on the window pane. Opening the window and carefully removing a piece of parchment from her leg, he sat at his tiny desk and began to read.

"Harry --" it began. "Second day with no letter from you, mate. Remember, no reply by tomorrow and Mad Eye will be up there to kick some Muggle ass before you can say 'boggart.' Listen -- I know you're suffering, Harry. Don't remove yourself from us... We want to help you... We loved Sirius too."

At the very thought of the name, Harry's stomach clenched. He wanted to die. They couldn't understand... They were adults... They thought they could shelter him. That's one of the reasons Harry no longer had his godfather. The only thing that separated him from his sole relief was just beyond the curtain. Sirius held one of those voices now.

"Don't you realize," the letter continued, "that he loved you so much that he sacraficed himself to save you? And you were willing to die to keep him alive. Sirius wouldn't want you to waste his final gift to you by trying to drown yourself in remorse and anger. None of us want that, Harry."

A strange and painful lump rose in Harry's throat. "So.. It's about what YOU want, is it?!" he choked, a strange irony in his voice. "YOU WANTED TO KEEP ME IN THE DARK!!" Harry spat hatefully at the parchment, as if it could hear him. "It was enough... My parents... Cedric... S-Sirius..." The tears were so thick in his eyes that he could only see blurs of brown. He was shaking so badly that he felt he would pass out before he was able to sit down. Harry put his head in his hands, eyes dripping great tears onto the parchment. Finally, after all this terrible pain, he was able to cry. He sobbed uncontrollably, mourning all the hidden pain that had begun to resurface itself after the only man who could ever been a father to him had died.

"What would Sirius do?" Harry thought, after he had consoled himself enough to be able to think clearly.

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Subject:	::yawn::
Time:	10:05 am.
Mood:	weird.

I just got back from Jay's house. We went to FYE, and both of us noticed that the cashier [ who looks just like an older version of my cousin Austin ] wasn't exactly making eye contact when he said "Have a nice day!" I almost said, "Hey, dude.. SAY THAT TO MY FACE!!" We bought helium balloons at a party store and huffed the helium on the way home. Oh.. and when I spilled chocolate powder all over myself at Starbucks, I was like.. "Hey! I'm from Anniston! Waddya expect?! All these people think we're cool Georgia chicks, but we're not! We don't even have a Starbucks at the Quintard Mall.. we have "Grandma's Home Cookin'!! [ that CLOSED by the way ] And it's true, too.. we're so bad she's EVERYONE'S Grandmother!!"

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Subject:	Bits & Pieces
Time:	10:32 pm.
Mood:	contemplative.
Music:	Silence.

I tried for hours.. days to write a poem. This is all that left me. Enjoy.

"China Doll"

You were something I never asked to have.
I wish I had never seen your face.
Loving a shadow stole my life
And left my broken heart to bleed.
Save me from this shallow grave--
Return all my secrets back to me [unfinished]

[this is my favorite.. and, no.. I am not implying rape. STOP!! STOP THINKING THAT, YOU SICK-MINDED FOOL!!]
You found me new, and fresh, and pure--
A light that your fingers itched to break.
All by body was to you--
A china doll to smear with blood.

---

[Lemme explain the "razorblade in my apple". Its like.. you're like "OMG!! I have an apple! Its so perfect and prettyful and red & stuff!!" On the outside its seems fine, but once you sink your teeth into it enough it suts off have your tongue and you spend the rest of your life in ridicule & you talk like a snake. OK? Anna was like, "Ok. Uh.. that's kinda cool." And I was like, "Oh, what EVER. You think I'm so weird." Ok. I'll shut up now.]

Razorblade in my apple,
Roll with me in grass so green
I need your touch
To remind me of the girl I used to be.
I loved the way you made me feel,
Safe in the arms that held me as I fell asleep. [STOP IT!! STOP THE NASTY THOUGHTS!!]
Hold me close again.
If only I could feel you, smell you,

--- ending deleted for major suckage on donkey balls ---

---

[only finished one.. but not named.. I should call it "Anakin Skywalker-Complex"... j/k]

What is this longing in your eyes?
Should I dare to touch you,
To wipe your tears away?
Hand me your pain,
Or still my bleeding heart--
Lay me to sleep in a shallow grave,
More dignity than I could ever beg
For one so unworthy as the embodiment of your suffering.
Your blank stare is killing me inside
Slowly, like a poison that never pays its dues.
If only you knew how much I yearn
To smooth away the past--
To wash away the lifelessness of the warmth that once held me close.

--- needs work ---

No, Seth, I don't have a crush on anyone. No, Lacee, I'm not depressed. No, Anna, there really IS more that one.

Tootles!!

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Subject:	ba-ooooooooons!!
Time:	12:01 pm.
Mood:	lethargic.
Music:	Hercules..[dun dun.. Long ago, in a time of myth & legend..].

Yesterday I had surgery. Ucky!! LOL!! I've been lying around all day and I'm not feelin too hot. [ not b/c of the surgery, but b/c of bein' lethargic ]. Everyone's been really nice. Anna was really concerned, and she called while I was asleep. My Aunt and Uncle sent me balloons and a teddy bear, and they gave me ice cream and steak day before yesterday. Dad came over to see me, too, but he just fell asleep on my bed for 2 hours. LOL!! Thanks everybody... I really appreciate it. All I did was get a tooth exposed, but thank you so much for caring!!

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Subject:	Glass Menagerie
Time:	6:57 pm.
Mood:	exhausted.
Music:	Mom's exercise tape (various Godly harmony-fide songs).

Today was.. tiring. I carried heavy books (four floor-to ceiling bookcases full) from room to room, stacking them IN ORDER at mom's work. Yes, I worked for the government, volunteering without money or credit, only for 3 pieces of greasy pepperoni pizza. And a few chips. And a couple shots of Dr. Pepper (don't ask). Later, mom had to go to the gynecologist (dont ask.. I MEAN IT!!) b/c she is sick and I wrote this poem while I was waiting.

"Glass Menagerie"

Someone save me
I'm stuck in a tiny room
With a demon holding a glass baby over my head.
It sings to me
Torturing me down to my brittle bones
Sounds like country music
The wriggling, twisted form
Kicks at my head
Wailing, "Let me free!!"
My soul screams in harmony with it.

I hate country music.

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