| the smoke alarm is going off and there's a ciggarette.. still burning |
[29 Dec 2003|11:59am] |
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music |
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i'm just a kid - simple plan |
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i slept over remy's last night. she left for florida today. me and clare were talking about it and we have to have a new years eve party at her house.. we probably won't but maybe we'll at least hang there with some people.
i was seriously thinking about running away yesterday but it's impossible. there's no way out of this fucking place.
today i smoked my first ciggarette within a year i think. at least 9 months. i totally forget why i stopped. ooh yea i remember. cause my shit ass friends that i told were mad at me and they actually said "you're going to die from lung cancer, and i'm not going to your funeral you anorexic goth." yeah they're horrible friends but i'd NEVER let them find out that i'm starting smoking again. i said i'd never start smoking again but yea..
an ups truck just pulled up to my driveway. awesome. maybe it's a present for me :] probably not though... i'm going to check........
it's from fucking barns & nobles for my sister.
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| i swear the happiest day of my life is the day that i die |
[25 Dec 2003|06:33pm] |
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mood |
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my sister was screaming about how horrible a person i am and my mom said not to say that about me and my sister went insane. then my sister left and i went downstairs and asked my mom if i really ruined christmas. she said "It looks that way". now shes begging my sister not to be mad at her. i hope i die. please god, i'm asking you to put me out of this misery. i hate my life. everyone hates me. i was looking in the mirror and just couldn't stand it and smashed my head into it. the weird thing is it doesn't hurt at all. i don't know if i'm beyond physical pain at this point. do people hurt themselves to try to increase the physical pain to lessen the mental pain? i don't know.
my mother just asked me if i wanted to eat with the family. i said, "You said that I ruined Christmas." she said, "You asked."
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| die young and save yourself |
[25 Dec 2003|06:17pm] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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the buzzing in my head |
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it's fucking christmas.
when i was little i wouldn't ever be happier than on christmas. now i'm looking at fucking pills on my desk. i'm thinking. i'm trying hard to figure out what to do. should i die young and save myself? i know i will. but should i die now and save myself. i've cried about 5 or 6 times today.
all i need to do is put the fucking pills in my mouth and take my fucking propel and drink it. oh fuck that. i got a better idea. my 'friends' gave me this shit called campari for my christmas present cause i'm a fucking drunk. its only 24% alc/vol but with caffine pills i'm sure it'd end the pain. why do i hurt so bad? i'm a 14 year old and it's fucking christmas. my sisters a fucking bitch. if i could discribe the things she says to hurt me you'd understand. wait.. wait.. no you wouldn't. cause you're a fucking computer screen. nothing else. yea like someones gonna read this. well no reason to fucking call the cops if you do. i'm putting away the pills and alcohol. happy? now everythings better!!! nothings wrong! isn't life great!
MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS.
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| this world is cold |
[23 Dec 2003|01:23am] |
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mood |
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music |
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so yesterday - hilary duff (SHUT UP) |
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i'm listening to hold on by good charlotte. i really like them. i think i might listen to one of their cds tonight. i really do like them. i hate how much shit they get. underneath everything.. their musics good. and no one can say otherwise.
i really like chocolate. i just ate the chocolate chanukah coins. they're really good. i got them for chanukah cause i'm half jewish :] but i feel really sick right now.. i'm gonna be sick for christmas.. i know it..
..don't stop searching
it's not over
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