Rachel's Blurty -- Entries

Rachel's Blurty Entries

Rachel

[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]

[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[22 Jun 2003|05:37pm]

[ mood | giggly ]

[ music | some gross panting on tv..someones dying ]

cassies here. her and trevin have the same shirt on. thats coolllllllll yes . its a midtown shirt with a red bat on it. they are even the same size...hm..coughcough

we're on our way out the door to go to the movies. uasdkl;fjdkljfsdjafkljsdlfjilsdjfklsdjfj dj great. trevins on his way to see armor for sleep and midtown...kabam...we wanted to go but we dont feel like calling Dragon (our taxi man) at rose city and we cant hitch a ride. i have to pee. its about time to...go? but i dont wanna gooo im rambling on. thank you leah i love you

have a nice night everyone..i know i will? or something....

cassie wants my sex!

[22 Jun 2003|01:06pm]

[ mood | indifferent ]

[ music | frail- finch ]

How can you be a slave to someone who's not even around? i hate being me. i have all this shit in my head and after i write i still feel confused, i cant get it out i need someone to sit down with me and actually listen to all of this; someone that actually cares; and maybe i'd feel a little better. but i hate bothering people

[22 Jun 2003|12:52pm]

[ mood | lsdkfjkl;asd ]

[ music | none ]

Almost 11 months spit out and the vomits still strong....

i miss you. but like it really matters anymore. you quoted "im never going to see you again." and you're probably right. last night at cassies i remembered all of our firsts, the first time we talked on the phone was at cassies. you never took off that bracelet. i told you i liked paperdoll by kittie and you called me back playing it, i feel like im going to throw up again. i wish i knew this was going to happen. my distraction has been stolen and youve been shoved back into my face. you cant survive without your bones, not when theyre gone. you make me so fucking pathetic and i hate myself for it. even cassies hugest master plan as she calls them couldnt fix this. you used to tell me how cool i was, now all you tell me is how much you fucking hate me, and i know you mean it. its been so fucking long since those cold winter nights when cassie would call with "good news." you hadnt called in so long, it was in december, and i thought it was tony. it was so fucking wonderful to hear your voice, i couldnt stop laughing, and you kept asking why but i never answered you. i was looking forward to school so much the next day, it was cancelled, then it was christmas break. you liked caroline. sometimes i think the perfect night would be if you kissed me, danced with me all night and then i went home and jumped. did you mean it the first time you said i love you? i remember, it was a friday night, or saturday morning, at 1 or soemthing...i was falling asleep so you said 'ok rachel im gonna let you go. i love you' and i was so fucking ecstatic.

obsessive, no..i just remember things. bye

[22 Jun 2003|12:46pm]

[ mood | lonely ]

[ music | thats just what you are- aimee man ]

i miss you so much

i dont even give a fuck who sees this anymore

[09 Jun 2003|05:57pm]

[ mood | excited ]

[ music | dying-hole ]

cassie is here...
we're about to go to trevins TALENT SHOW ahaha to see him, erik, and mike's band (up and atem) play ONE fucking song...oh well....
today is my birthday!! i got two cakes, a ton of cupcakes, some flowers out of the trash can, some cool cards, a gift certificate, and a kurt collage.....lenny was gonna rip it...bastard. i dont know what i got from my family yet.....budumdumdum phjshfisd

steven wasnt here___goddammit. i asked cassie if he was, and she said yeah...so much to my surprise when i got into homeroom..he wasnt. in flex lenny stole cassies notebook so i chased him into the potty for it. but then Immigrant Potato got it..gr. my neck itches. we were supposed to call beavo to get him a ride with cassie's pops, it never happened....7 days left..woohoo. the dance is on friday im flying solo...yeah man!!!

im not having a birthday party..who the fuck would i invite? thatd be a goddamn joke. cassie says shell come. yes. trevin met steven and his girlfriend at the movies on saturday night? ahaha .... i hope he didnt spill the beans and fuck anything for me,,,ill find out tonight. ..cross your fingers xD

*weird expression*
what the fuck was that cassie? god i hope she never does that in publicccccccc

lenny hit erin in the face today or something...how would he like it if i backhanded him in the face? jesus...him and his ridiculous satanic temper.
today in social studies there was this awful movie..with pigs getting killed and shit. and lenny yelled out I WANT A DEAD PIG...or something. and i wanted to hurt him. i never wanna eat bacon again :( but i probably will because its yummy. i respect people who are vegetarians, and admire them because quite frankly i could never do it. well i gotta go pee and hit the road im seein my friends yO!!!!!!!!

PEACE OUT BROTHA FROM ANOTHA MOTHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I LOVE YOU.

cassie says goodbye. wish her luck with her dear dear trevin
dear dear rachie.
yes it was me.
teeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
BILLS GONNA DIE!

[08 Jun 2003|10:30pm]

[ mood | blah ]

[ music | asshole- nirvana ]

i fucking hate when people tell me they're depressed. get the hell away. goodnight.

[08 Jun 2003|10:22pm]

[ music | another boy- midtown ]

i dont fucking want to go to school tomorrow i feel like shit.. its like 1025 and i just got dressed to go somewhere with my sister but now i feel too tired, maybe ill just go to bed. uasfhdslk.
countdown to my birthday: 1 hour and 33 minutes.

well actually thats not the countdown to my actual time of birth and stuff just to..the day i was born. saldfjkla. im going to dunkin donuts tomorrow. and i can get fatter. i miss steven :(

goodnight

[08 Jun 2003|10:11pm]

im not in a detail mood
fuck you

i feel like im going to vomit out my insides and i can barely keep my fucking eyes open but i can't sleep. i gave him it, i gave him the 6 page letter that i spent two weeks writing. daer. he was "sappy." "sad because i hurt her slash happy because she loves me." hm. kyles party was friday, things with me and steven were kind of like they were when we were together again. at the end steven said to himself "im going to regret this in the morning." (being with me, because of his girlfriend)we got around to talking however. he said he thinks he likes her but he knows he loves me, he will always care, he knows he will come back to me, he just doesnt know when, we've been through this so many times he thinks we should see other people....but basically that he will always love me and he will come back. or something.

i guess he is right. on and off for about 3 1/2 years? maybe we need to see other people, or maybe he just does. im not interested in seeing someone if i know it isn't going anywhere, so i guess i wont. i know people see that and think that i am just his backup, the one he falls back on when he has nothing. but its not like that, its just that we HAVE done this too many times and in order for this to work we need to spend some time apart....i still love him. i feel like shit. tomorrow im going to trevins talent show haha to see his band do a song. support. yay. its my birthday tomorrow too. great.

[08 Jun 2003|11:59am]

i have too much going on right now, i cant keep this thing up.
i guess ill update..maybe later in the week or something.

[04 Jun 2003|08:17pm]

[ mood | sdagsdahgsdfah ]

[ music | heaven tonight- hole ]

youve never been this far away before
________________________________

my head is fucking pounding and the thought of going to school tomorrow makes me extremely sick. i dont know if i really thought there was any point this time, if he was going to care, if anything was going to change. but it didnt.

as sldkfjkl;asdjgd. i feel dirty, i need to take a goddamn shower. bill asked leah to come with her to some pond at frank davis so they can 'be alone' and i get to FOLLOW THEM AT A SAFE DISTANCE. teehee :) i should be some kind of,,,badumdumdum PRIVATE EYE. wheeee!! suddenly im in a good mood

someone i thought was my friend, i found out yesterday isnt.

[04 Jun 2003|08:14pm]

[ mood | pessimistic ]

i spent so much time on your fucking letter and i know im throwing it out tonight. thanks anyway.

[01 Jun 2003|09:30pm]

[ mood | tired ]

[ music | nothing to gein- mudvayne ]

im tired of myself...

got in a big fight with trevin...it wasnt anyones fault i guess
*sighs* whatever.

whenever i yawn i feel like im going to throw up. which sucks because im really tired and i cant sleep.
asdkjgjkasdhgda fuck

[01 Jun 2003|09:01pm]

[ mood | listless ]

[ music | Everything, I- Lollipop Lust Kill *thank you leah!* ]

im fucking mad at myself for liking lenny for so long. i know he has his problems; but wtf that doesnt give him an excuse to be such a dicksmack. i reconsidered what i said about his changing, and realized that he never did change, he's always been like this. i can remember him making fun of erin a lot, and i guess i didnt think about what happened to make him suddenly hate her. now that ive started to see a different side of him, i realize he is a complete asshole, and that i cant miss the 'old him' because there was no old him, it was just a fake side of him because all he wants is sex. he is probably the same to people as he used to be to me and others, but eventually he will end up showing another side to them, too. and i dont see how he can call me a slut, hes the one that goes around trying to get in everyones goddamned pants. RAWR!!!!! i think i hate him. maybe when he finds someone that is right for him, a true nice side will come out. but until then, dasjkfjklasdhglash,.
bye

to you. [30 May 2003|10:40pm]

[ mood | sick ]

[ music | cocaine girl- nirvana ]

i know your with her right now, and i know im not even close to being on your mind. and why should i be; what would it do? only ruin your night. i honestly think i dont mean shit to you anymore, i have destroyed everything. you've been the same forever, and i just realized how i feel. unfortunately, you seem to have found someone new. well i guess now i know how i have made you feel so many times before. except i probably made you feel worse because i was such a goddamn bitch. but maybe it would be easier if you were mean to me. when you do things it makes it all worse, because when your gone, when i realize you really dont care, im just there to occupy you, it makes it hurt more, because i was naive and stupid enough to think it mattered. i hope you know how i feel when you prance happily by me with her, not even acknowledging my presence. im not asking for sympathy, im not trying to complain. that would be completely ridiculous after all i have done to you. how could i ask for you to want me back? who the fuck knows if you still like me. you quoted "you would always love me no matter what" but obviously im beginning to have my doubts, as im sure you did. sometimes i dont even know how i feel about you, but when it comes down to it, its always the same; i love you. but fuck it. it doesnt matter.

[30 May 2003|10:11pm]

Lightening slicing the sky,
It is my skin.
My hopes crash down all around
Killing me.
I wish you were never found.
Searching within you took me,
What it meant,
What it meant.
Nothing to you
Triggering my descent.
The lightening crashes down;
The phone is dead.
It’s never you
But maybe it never was
Winter nights spent with you here
Next to you I was finally glad
To be with your arms
And your lips
And your teeth and your hair.
I actually thought you were there.
All around us the snow was falling and you took my hand
If only I’d have known I wasn’t going to land
I was going to crash violently
Just like the lightening
The lightening slicing the sky.

[30 May 2003|09:50pm]

[ mood | blah ]

[ music | sister, sister... ]

the one time i need to talk to someone
and no one is around. i feel like im going out of my goddamned mind, i feel sick constantly, and i cant stop throwing up. i have no one to talk to lately..i guess i shouldnt be complaining..
a lot of people have lots of...im not going to call them acquaintences, they're more than that...i guess "friends" but they can't actually >talk< to them. i dont have anything like that, i only have a few friends, all of whom i really talk to. but for the past week or so it seems different in a bad way. i wrote a letter to someone, but at the last minute shoved it in my pocket and walked away. as usual, i fucked up...maybe monday. james niceta just asked me to the dance. akfhkdsf. i wasnt rude and i didnt lie, i simply told him i dont know if im even going to go.
because i dont want to...it just seems pointless?

last night lenny IMed me, claiming that I, along with Cassie, have plans to break him and Stephanie up. I told him that wasnt true, that I didnt like him anymore and he said something along the lines of, "dont lie. you'll always like me. there's nothing you can do about it." at that point i told him to get it through his goddamned head that i dont fucking like him, and he proceeded to call me a slut. thats how most conversations go between us lately. ive been thinking im actually finally, over him, having liked him since the first day of 8th grade. but then something happened and it got me thinking, and i started feeling..sick, and wondering. how could i POSSIBLY still like someone who makes me feel so awful? i dont even think i like him at all, i just miss how he *used* to be, which is much different than he is now, which is just a complete asshole.

steven. not going so great. he claims i am ignorant and submissive,but still likes me? i dont even know if he does, but i think he COULD because he still hugs and talks to me a lot...but i know he likes allison mucho more. i just recently realized my feelings for him, i dont know what they were hidden behind but whatever. im guilty about how ive treated him in the past. ive written some poems for LA, i need to decide which to use. im gonna post them.

dananananaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa [30 May 2003|09:26pm]

[ mood | cynical ]

[ music | reasons to be beautiful- hole ]

Love hangs herself
With the bedsheets in her cell
Threw myself on fires for you
Ten good reasons to stay alive
Ten good reasons that I can't find

Oh, give me a reason to be beautiful
So sick in his body
So sick in his soul
Oh, give me one reason to be beautiful
Oh, and everything I am

Love hates you
I live my life in ruins for you
And for all your secrets kept
I squashed the blossom
Now the blossom's dead

Oh, give me a reason to be beautiful
So sick in his body
So sick in his soul
Oh, and I will make myself so beautiful
Oh, and everything I am

Miles and miles of perfect skin
I swear I do, I fit right in
My love burns through everything
I cannot breathe
Miles and miles of perfect sin
I swear, I said, I fit right in
I fit right in your perfect skin
I cannot breathe

Hey, baby, take it all the way down
Hey, baby, taste me anyway
Oh, you were born so pretty
Oh summerbabe, we'll never know
And fading like a rose

Give me a reason to be beautiful
So sick in his body
So sick in his soul
I'll give you my body
Just sell me your soul
Oh, and everything I am will be bought and sold
Oh, and everything I am will turn hard and cold

And they say in the end
You'll get better just like them
And they steal your heart away
When the fire goes out you better learn to fake
It's better to rise than fade away

Hey, you were right
Named a star for your eyes
Did you freeze?
Did you weep?
Turn to gold, baby, sleep

Hey, honey mine
I was there all the time
And I weep at your feet
And it rains and rains

download that song, now.
i recently found my bloodhound gang cd. i listened to it, and it reminded me of winter...december, january, a little bit of february. i feel seriousley sick now, and im not sure of anything anymore.

on a higher note,
today me and stacey went to this car wash thinger..and got in a fight with the hose
YAY it was fun. i feel really bad about what happened to her. i try not to think about it too much...thats all.

gr. [30 May 2003|09:16pm]

[ mood | lonely ]

[ music | rest in pieces- saliva ]

im so sick of people.. ditching me. making plans with me..and then going off and doing other shit with other people. hooray, im really loved, huh. i dont mean to complain; it just...meh...i dont know. im tired of being everyones second choice. the one friend i had that has never ditched me; i completely screwed over. im starting to feel shitty again, i can tell in a day or two it will be worse, and theres nothing i can do about it. im such a fucking hypocrite. or maybe i just dont realize how people feel til it happens to me. or something. it makes it worse if someone lies to you about it, id rather just have them tell me. i am not a very forgiving person.

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