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[19 Apr 2003|03:53am] |
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yo, i have so much more interest in myself than strap on, right now, but lemme tell ya, some of those boys know what they are talking about
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[19 Apr 2003|03:32am] |
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so long ago, what i was going to say. back when maybe i wasn't so drunk. so poetic, what we have to think now that is. FUCK. i'm so angry about losing it. so much to say, nowhere to say it. doood. fuck off. get out of here. you don't belong here. neither do i...duh. FIT IN. SUCK IT UP. i'm sorry. i woke you up..
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[13 Apr 2003|03:01pm] |
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it's too warm in here. there are parts of me i just wanna fucking rip off. you could not comprehend the discomfort i am in. i wanna fucking run and yell and wrestle. i am burdoned right now till i can be comfortable. i could dig my nails into my skin and scream right now, except for all the effort that would take and the little productivity it would produce. this girl scratched me hardcore and i can't tell you how good it feels. i am not seen right now. i need to be not seen in a very different way. DUDE, let's blow this joint, fer realzzz. drive out here and let's get our crazy on. too fucking realz. i think maybe the hard sane parts have given up. word. lezgo.
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[12 Apr 2003|12:43am] |
this is me, baby. this is me being real. this is me being how it's gonna be. know that. know that i don't care anymore. know that when you cry, i feel akward. know that i am NOT here to comfort you now, kid. you know....
something else to say, i'm sure...maybe i'll edit later when i'm more drunk and self aware.
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[11 Apr 2003|02:15pm] |
yr making all the noise in my head out loud. and right now it is way too much for me to hear. fuck. such a fucking idiot. yr making me wanna rip out of here. in ways you don't even know. all these days go by, and there isn't so much as a feeling. get it out here. what would you do? where would you go? these people who's lives i know nothing about, make it real, make me think they are real. fucking proofread this shit, cos sometimes it comes so fast there's no telling what is actually being said. and i don't like this format. but it helps. it helps get the things out so quick. it helps when there is a format when you need one. and who doesn't have access. who doesn't wanna get down here?
something is block my view from reality. sometime hard and fast. something is blocking the feelings too. the hate, the smiles, the patheticness of it all, and especially the embarrassment. where'd that do. yr feeling it strong and hard somewhere, not here tho. sorry again about the miscommunication. we're trying hard to do something that isn't quite working right and will probably never work right. but be loose. it's cool.
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[09 Apr 2003|02:40am] |
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yo, this little window is too convienent for no thought thoughts. god, you don't know how i wanna rip through that screen and pull you into my bed. and i hate you for testing me. is that what yr doing. know that i am not coming to you on purpose, no matter how much it hurts. i am here, and i can live this. and i can live it fucking hard and fast and mean and all the things you don't even know. trust me kid you don't wanna know. you wanna pull down? kid, i don't wanna go. i don't even know you. i give so much. where'd it go? haha...maybe one day.
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[05 Apr 2003|01:34pm] |
inquiring minds want to know what to make of all this. you got this thing. when are they gonna know. when are they gonna think you aren't nuts. never. you know that. it maeks me not ever want to go home. THESE PEOPLE WILL NOT UNDERSTAND. this is something that YOU will have to understand. kid, you don't give the world the credit it deserves. nightlife is what this is all about. stuck behind some slow moving truck. they move slow cos they might tip over if they went any fast. LET ME TELL YOU HOW FUCKING DEEP YOU ARE. anger, dude. it's all about this shit. i would kick you in the face if i thought it would make things better. actually, somehow i know it would. less stress maybe. but, god, if i started, i don't know when i would stop.
pea ess - port angeles is not 'a little town north of seattle.' that shit is like the end of the fucking world. i have much respect.
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[04 Apr 2003|01:20am] |
'i'ma do this thing like it ain't done before.'
do you every find it alarming when people talk to you, just cos, like, they usually don't.
sometimes the train scares me when it rolls by here, cos i think it's a plane. the actual planes make me want to pee. i always think that some sort of bombing is just about to happen. cos if i owned a country a sure as hell woulda blowed us up by now. it is funny to thing that they would blow up little old p-town tho. it's not really worth it unless they're just looking to get rid of a mass quantity of dykes. have i mentioned i'm scared of everything, ever. for the past like week, i have convinced myself i am having a heart attack or something comparable. angina, maybe, i dunno. i'm pretty sure it's just that my chest is sore from trying to do some pathetic work out. but, my god, does it scare the fuck out of me.
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[04 Apr 2003|01:15am] |
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pea ess - if yr here could you let me know, thank ya.
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[04 Apr 2003|01:14am] |
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me and howard stern have a date tonite, so fuck ya'll.
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[02 Apr 2003|06:47pm] |
and the ball is rolling.
did you sense he was happy. thanks.
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[01 Apr 2003|10:33pm] |
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later for the home town. i don't belong here. i think i belonged here when i was littler. gotta have somewhere better to think....besides, these people are all funny looking...
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[27 Mar 2003|06:54pm] |
this minimalization is gonna wreck us. spill some havok and whatnot. think of others. think of others thinking of us. think of nothing left to think about. sorry.
don't sound so angsty. it's not within our reach. not good here. not healthy and all. bring us home and forget about what was said. forget about how we got here and the means necessary. cos nothing will jusitify it. trust me on this one.
i'm gonna yell one day. freak out. yell and scream about yr junk. about the albums that are familiar and remind us of a certian time. you wanna get through this with me? cry at me. tell me how it's wrong. cos it's all wrong. nothing would be right at this point. yr adopting something that we can't even buy anymore. yr leaking bullshit from every hole. ramble on. maybe we'll get somewhere today. maybe not...
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[22 Mar 2003|12:02pm] |
so this is home. and this is where i want to be. and i want to leave. and i want to drive. i want to see everything i can see there. i want to feel the ocean, my ocean, the one and only. they say that other one is pretty, but i think it is not. i think that oceans are nice when you can swim in them. i can swim in mine four months out of the year. you gotta go pretty far south to be able to swim in that one. i wanna see my cities. cities here are different and big and loud and different. but it's so angry here.
thing are feeling better up there. i'm gonna fix things. with chemicals and all kinds of crap, but i'm gonna fix them. things are gonna feel funny. i hope things feel like home. cos something's got to.
don't be scared. i'm gonna be alright, i think. except for maybe the dieing thing. that wouldn't be too soon. don't you worry yr pretty little head. when i feel better, you will feel better. we will be happier. i'm doing this with you in my heart. i hope you realize that. not that i could stop if it wasn't for you, but i feel safer with you by my side.
don't tell anybody our secret tho. they will learn when the time is right. later. when they have to know. not now, please. thanks.
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[12 Mar 2003|04:30pm] |
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whenever i get free time, my mind wanders. all i want to do is travel. i have previously thought that maybe not having a car would calm this desire. no. it does not happen. i want to the greyhound thing. i want to do it for a month. this summer. i want to spend all my time in the south. on an air conditioned bus. i want to sleep in bus stations. i want to be dumb and unsafe and i want someone to come with me. and then i want us to decide that we want to go our seperate ways. then maybe meet in mexico. i want to be dumb college kid that wastes all his money on traveling and peanuts and water to live. i wanna ride in this bus and i wanna not eat. i wanna watch the movies on the little screens. most of all, i don't want die. i want to learn how to read in a moving vehicle and not puke. i wanna not work. I WANT TO BE DUMB. suckers...
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[06 Mar 2003|08:39pm] |
sometime things lift and everything is clear for a second. yr such a cliche...
and we're so misleading with our pronouns.
everything feels good. something is coming together and falling apart and things feel like they are almost getting figured out. what i want to is if things will change. maybe there is just something wrong in general and i think this is what will fix it. maybe i'm just a fucking idiot who doesn't know any better and who thinks this is the cool thing to do. these things certainly are confusing...
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[06 Mar 2003|01:15am] |
dude, you fucking unleashed me. all i want is to make yr life miserable. all i want to do is wake you up in the morning with unnecessary noise. give you the dirtiest looks possible and make you uncomfortable. i wanna slam doors at you. i wanna ignore you. i want you to think that i'm doing it by accident and that i'm just that fucking ignorant. and when you say something about it, i'll fucking laugh. i'll laugh so hard. and i'll talk to you then. god knows how many months of ignore you, but i'll talk to you then and tell you i do it all on purpose. not that i think about it that much, but i know the things that bother you. i know how yr a fucking moron and refuse to sleep at night, so i'm purposefully loud in the morning. i know how sensitive you are, and i can't believe that i haven't flown off the handle yet, just to see you fucking break down.
i guess we all need something to look forward to...
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[01 Mar 2003|09:47pm] |
so much fucking distaste for you and all yr about. so much that will always remain unsaid. i hate the person you are. i dislike the people you surround yrself with. i dislike yr smell, yr laugh, yr voice, yr stupid hair. i haven't disliked someone this much since i lived at home with my mom and had to deal with her husband. all that aside, it's a familiar feeling, familial. haha. i feel good when i get out how much i hate you. i feel good when i tell people what a moron i think you are. i think something about all this makes me a bad person. deep down, there's something wrong with how much i dislike you. there is a cause. don't get me wrong. i have a very legitimate reason to want to spit on you. it's just that it's consuming a lot of my time. taking up a lot of brain space. i wish you had never come here...god, you don't know how much i wish that.. this is MY city...our city, mine and hers...who the fuck are you to even be here when no one wants you. it's not that they want you to leave, they just don't fucking care. but my opinion is strong and therefore and so on...fucking listen to me...
something feels so dangerous about all this. fun and silly and dangerous. this is just my love of hate and anger that's taking over. ignore me, we'll be landing momentarily.
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[28 Feb 2003|02:03pm] |
something's gonna blow up here. just a matter of time and distance. let's try to be far away. you know we're walking on eggshells because of you. i feel like a little kid living here.
there's something ugly in your face, every time you come in that door. something you hate about me. can't tell. don't tell. i don't want to know. i'm not even sure you do.
but it's cool cos i got the most co-dependant friend in the world keeping one eye open to look at me while he sleeps.
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[26 Feb 2003|12:53am] |
sometimes these things in my head feel so wrong. and we all know they're not. they're just the things that do it for you. and you've decided to share these things with someone else. just don't go crazy with it.
if i want to act on these things, could you tell me how. cos i'm not sure. these people want nothing to do with me. and i'm not necessarily sure i want anything to do with them...
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