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Friday, April 30th, 2004
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10:54 pm - Can I be buried here among the dead, with room to honor me here in the end?
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For you,
I’d do anything just to make you happy,
Hear you tell me that you’re proud of me
For them,
I’d kill anything; cut the throats of babies
For them, break their hearts for they were them.
Waiting for you to say…I love you too.
>>>
Well this week has been interesting.......
Monday was my step-dad's birthday, and since I was broke I got him a card AT LEAST and thought it was fine, because the rest of the day seemed it..
Tuesday, everything was rough, and by 12:30 I was kicked off the job site by my step-dad so I got home and packed and left, went to Laurens and stayed there for the night
Wensday, my first morning w/o my family to bug me I went job hunting, got back and noticed Natalie, Lauren's Child, my god-daughter, was there with Lauren and Matt, so I played with Nattie til 5, then me and Matt went to his Grandma's to drop off his laundry, and get some food she bought for the house, then we picked up her meds and went back to the house and saw Kill Bill 2, good movie but NOT better then the first, we got back noticed Home Depot called the house but the other managers know NOTHING
Thursday, after much begging from my mom I came back here for thier LAST chance, but they know when I get some cash in my account and a job I'm gone, but came here and talked to them about what happened, but didn't want to be here, but oh well, and I wrote Karen an email...will explain....
Today, went to work, then to my sister's Spagetti Night, which was cheap price for food and watch little kids sing...too cute, got home and just chilled here, waiting for Karen to come online and read the email...
OK this email, is ALL truth...I wrote how ex-friends and family brainwashed me into thinking Karen was all wrong and shit...being at Lauren's she and Matt talked to me while I was thinking, and talking to them helped wash away the bullshit the ex-friends and family put in my head and made me realise I still Love Her, and I never truely did, I made some mistakes, we all do, but I feel like she is The One, I never felt about a girl as much as I feel for her, she is just an awesome person, I just hope she can give a guy like me one more chance, but my mistakes caused her some emotional damage and I doubt she'll want to take me back. If she doesn't take me back I'll have to just try to move on, I've been turning down dates and other girls and I wondered why, now I know, I miss Karen. I'll see what she thinks of what I wrote, maybe she'll agree with what i wrote, and I hope she does.....I really Love Her....Karen if you read this...it's NO lie, I Love You. Before I kept saying I didn't want a relationship and all that but now I do and its with you.....
Well I'm going to go lay down, HOPEING Karen understands what I wrote, but we'll see
Laaaaaaaaaaaaaates
OH yea Tiger Army in 12 days
<<<
In the seventh turning hour
Should the victims’ shadow fall
Will the irony grow hungry?
With victory and all sought for
We were one among the fence
One among the fence
current mood:  anxious
current music: In Keeping Secrets Of The Silent Earth 3 ~ Coheed & Cambria
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| Monday, April 5th, 2004
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11:30 pm - Nothing hurts my world, just affects the ones around me
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"I'll try," she said as he walked away.
"Try not to lose you."
Two vibrant hearts could change.
Nothing tears the being more than deception,
unmasked fear.
"I'll be here waiting" tested but secure.
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Well it's been awhile since I posted and not alot happened since then but some good things happened. Well business has sucked like always, I want a job where I can drive around and inspect workers instead of working but I guess we all have to start small and work up. Yep still single and no good news from Jaime...YET...but Alisha has been acting really different around me, so I don't know...maybe something will happen, you never know...OH same with Lauren, her ex has been being difficult and she's been comming to me ALOT, maybe our old flame is re-igniting...who knows?.....Took my Contractors Exam for Business and Law on March 6th, and failed, 74.9% need a 75% to pass and the fuckers don't round assholes, and took my second attempt last saturday, April 3rd, and now I'm waiting for my results. The exam felt easier, and the answers seemed to flow, I think the first time I had the thought about it being timed and I have a limited amount of time to find the answer , it's an open book test and the book is 900 pages. The second time I was more relaxed, drank some Green Tea, had a good breakfast, so maybe I did good.
I recently became sXe, Straight-Edge, and I've been edge for 1 week 2 days, it's hard but I'm Commited for Life, I feel good every morning, no hang-overs, no more groggy mornings from over smoking or over drinking.
I also started to be more ME and not what people like, so I dress almost the same, black band shirts, black pants not too baggy not too tight but just right, eyeliner, and nail-polish, which ever color I like but recently it's black with a red line in the middle......HAWT!!!!!!!!!! I WILL have pics soon, so relax, and I will have your cravings of ME, and ALL ME, so be ready to have a spare pair of pantys or boxers/briefs and pants because you WILL get wet from my hotttttnesssssssssss
That's all for now, until later....LATESSSSSSSSSSS
TIGER ARMY: 37-38 Days
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"I wish I could be the one,
the one who won't care at all
But being the one on the stand,
I know the way to go, no one's guiding me.
When time soaked with blood turns its back,
I know it's hard to fall.
Confined in me was your heart
I know it's hurting you, but it's killing me."
current mood:  quixotic
current music: Unholy Confessions ~ Avenged Sevenfold
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| Friday, March 5th, 2004
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9:06 pm - Listen to the world out on the outside pressing in, are you ready on my mark?
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in your last hour stand
you'll notice the one that you had loved and dreams is here among the others
chase it's you I want but if I can't have her
then why should I spend any more time in a world that's going to end pretty soon?
I need you now more than I ever did
I'll hand myself over for you
this comlink's lost its frequency and I feel that we're coming home short
here take me instead I'd rather not see her off alone
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Before I start, Everyone pray for Davey for a quick and speedy recovery, the rest of the tour was cancelled, after mine, I got lucky, and Coheeds site said Davey has a cyst in his throat, but I'll wait til AFI's site confirms it, but I had one too and it took 9 months to fully heal, so I wish Davey a quick and speedy recovery, and I knew something bad happened when he did his scream AFTER the techno part in Death of Seasons that his voice is going, but didn't think it be this bad, but Davey finished strong even though, after DoS, God Called in Sick Today was the last song, those 2 songs were part of the encore.
Well the AFI show was Awesome, so much happened too much to mention some things to mention.....Met AFI, saw Coheed and Cambria tear it up, my second favorite band for like 6 months, saw Thursday suck it up, AFI tore the mutha down, moshed the whole time, got all of my injuries by idiotic Thursday fans, held Davey up during God Called In Sick Today, walked out with a dislocated knee from a crowd surfer, 3 bruised ribs, one broken rib, herniated disk in my back, loose tooth, and a nice gash on the top of my head, Thursday may suck, but their crowd rowdyness is fuckin awesome....here's my pics from the show:
My Coheed and Cambria kicking ass during Devil in Jersey City 
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scattered amongst the killing streets the children slate defense
is god's work to have us fail?
rivered blood streams out the dead as bodies foul the air
I'll make peace when this is done
in arms...we storm
slowly the streets begin to fill with new flesh bound to bone
armed and ready it begins again...
current mood:  sore
current music: Cuts Marked In The March Of Men ~ Coheed and Cambria
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| Wednesday, February 18th, 2004
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9:15 pm - Your hair, it's everywhere. Screaming infidelities, And taking its wear.
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Well As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you're making out
But as for me, I wish that I were anywhere with anyone
Making out.
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Well it's been awhile.........
ALOT has happened, I became Vice President of my parents company, which means I own half of a business that's picking up day by day, making good money, man so much to mention, makes you think I'm extremely happy right? WRONG!!!
Well the Saturday before Valentine's Day, I was gonna hang out with my good friend, Jamie, but when I went to get cigerettes, and saw her she was having a bad day, and I talked to her, then she said she wasn't in the mood to do stuff so I was thinking maybe next week. So I went and chilled with Alisha and her B/F Jeremy, and we watched Terminator 3, and at 10:42pm Jamie called and wanted me to come by to watch movies, so I was all like Hell Yes I'll go, so I went there but I thought why not go get a movie WITH HER, so it worked and we went together, and saw Ophelia, and she followed us back to Jamie's place, and we smoked some weed and we first watch Meet the Parents, and smoked more. After that, we put in South Park and Ophelia left and Adrienne, Jamie's Roomate, passed out so me and Jamie started joke fighting, which ended up with us being so close holding hands and cuddling. I was complimenting her on everything, and it wasn't the weed or anything that influenced the joke fighting, the closeness, the cuddling or the rest. While cuddling I thought she fell asleep, so I, being the helpless romantic that I am, I was stroking her face and kissing her forehead, but out of nowhere when my fingers went past her chin she grabbed my finger with her mouth and teased abit, and she knew I liked that, but alittle after that I said "Fuck It" in my head and made the first move and we ended up, making out for almost 2 hours straight, and funny thing is, as sexy as she is, I didn't want sex, not that early. At 4 am I finally got up and left telling her, if I could I would stay forever, as she walked me out, and I kissed her goodnight.
I don't know where this will lead since, last weekend she had long awaited plans with friends and now her grandma is in ICU and may not make it, I really haven't seen her alot, but I hope something will happen. I mean I remember everything that night........when she smiled and we were really close "I love your smile, just looking at it it makes me feel like everything in the world is right, the same with youre eyes" and I also told her that I'm a helpless romantic at heart and that I'm not what everyone says I am.....a Sex-a-holic.......and she was like youre proving it tonight...meaning that I wasn't into sex that night. When I'm with her I'm different, more different then I was with Karen, and I think of Jamie everyday and everynight, but only time will tell
OH AFI Show in 15 days........and ALSO get to meet the band, I will have something to autograph if my dumbass forgets the camera...but if I have the camera I WILL post pics
Until then....Peace Out Y'all
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I'm missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you 're pretending.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Screaming Infidelities ~ Dashboard Confessional
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| Monday, January 26th, 2004
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8:33 pm - We'll make it up next time around, I'll pick you up and never put you down
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Well I'm dreaming 'bout a Cadillac
And a girl that I used to have
But I know that I could never go back
To the day we took a photograph
That I'm holdin' in my hand
I can't believe I messed it up so bad
If I get another chance
I'd never waste it yeah
I swear I'll be a better man
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Yea, as you can see I'm kinda depressed, but hey I'll be ok, still got friends, wish I had someone to talk to but hell, if no one cares here, I got some friends here, if thier busy I got a bottle, or a loaded 20 guage......NO NOT TO SHOOT MYSELF. The girl I like got back with her ex, but shit it makes me want her more, and I know I can't which kinda sucks, but ehhhh. Plus, the District Manager of my job cut alot of employees at my job, and others around, and guess what I'm one of them....but I've been on the job hunting prowl, and maybe be a dishwasher for a restaurant around here making HUGE business, Harpoon Harry's, the 24/7 club, so it's all good, I hope I get this job. Still happy that Alisha, the girl I like with her ex now, is comming to see AFI with me, alot can happen now til March. Also I made this Icon for my journal, don't ask for one took me a LONG time to make one. Well I'm gonna go lay down for a little, and then I'll come back for abit then go to bed and continue my job hunting....wish me luck guys....
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATES
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Now I'm thinkin' bout the good times
All the friends that I used to know
And they always said they'd have my back
But now I'm flyin' solo
All alone again I stand
I can't believe I messed it so bad
If I had another chance
I'd never waste it yeah
I'll try and be a better man
current mood: lonely
current music: Next Time Around ~ Lit
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| Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
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11:01 pm - Life goes by so fast You only want to do what you think is right. Close your eyes and then it's past
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Good times come and good times go,
I only wish the good times would last a little longer.
I think about the good times we had
And why they had to end.
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Today was a good day, went to work, busted my ass, came home picked up my sis and had a very special friend, Alisha, come over. She was at my house and we chilled and BSed alot, and then a little before my parents got home, we started joking and I felt something, like a connection. My parents got home and THEY LOVED HER, made it feel good, and she's comming with me to see AFI...completely awesome. Then we hung out and we went to Fisherman's Village, so she can apply for a job and we talked and shot some pool, and then we went to Kash N Karry and we went in, and people were looking because ALL of KnK knows me, and the way I FELT for Toni and they see me with Alisha.....and we did alot of touchy-feely type stuff, nothing too big, and we talked alot, like secrets, and I was talking to her, and played her a little song on the guitar...and she told me I'm the sweetest guy ever, it felt good, and we continued the touchyness.....only thing that sucked about it was her leaving it brought me down alittle, but I know I'll see her again. I hope something good happens between us. Besides that my days hasn't been too exciting. I wish EVERYDAY was like today. I should have went for a kiss but it's too early.....but I hope I can go for it at the right time....well I'm off to bed
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATES
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So I sit at the edge of my bed
I strum my guitar and I sing an outlaw love song.
Wonerin' 'bout what you're doin' now
And when you're comin' back.
current mood: happy
current music: Story of my Life ~ Social Distortion
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| Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
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9:54 pm - I won't offend, Or rock the boat, Just sex and drugs And rock and roll
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You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.
"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."
Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.
As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
HELL YES.....boredom shows who I am....I'm bored take a quiz and thiers my answer...and I am REALLY interested in phoenix....and soon I'll have it tattooed on my arm...FUCKIN-A
current mood: excited
current music: Pull My Strings ~ Dead Kennedys
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| Sunday, January 11th, 2004
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10:12 pm - Don't move, child gotta big black stick, There's six of us, babe so suck on my dick
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Tonight's the night that we got the truck
We're goin' downtown gonna beat up drunks
Your turn to drive I'll bring the beer
It's the late late shift to one to fear
And ride, ride how we ride
We ride, lowride
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Well, alot has happened in the past few days......partied alot, worked the same.....found out from a "friend" that my ex wants to get a restraining order on me....funny shit, then smoked some 'dro and my girl got my cell got her cell number, and called her, oh man it was brutal, but partied with friend's I haven't seen in a while, it was great...my little Busines and Law exam is comming up soon, and that means so is my tatt.....oh can't wait. Today mainly I just took my sister to the theaters, for some brother-sister time, and we saw Peter Pan...to tell you the truth...it was a good movie. Also got the new Offspring...awesome album, not the best but awesome. Met my girl at a pool hall, she's awesome, she IS punk rawk, I mean good mind, awesome body, even better sex...but we may not last because of our different thoughts on issues, music, and life. But hey we will surely be friends. Got my tickets for the AFI show in TECO arena ordered...so hell yea can't wait, and Karen if you truely like AFI I'll see you there won't I? Maybe not, because youre scared of mommy, and dumb shit like that. OH and my girl won't be there toots, my guest will be.........you'll see hehe...well I'm kinda drunk right now, and my baby is here watching Wildboyz so I'm going to go join her
LAAAAAAATES
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It's roundup time where the good whores meet
Gonna drag one screaming off the street
And ride, ride how we ride
Got a black uniform and a silver badge
Playin' cops for real, playin' cops for pay
Let's ride, lowride
current mood:  naughty
current music: Police Truck ~ Dead Kennedys
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| Sunday, January 4th, 2004
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10:09 pm - I'm about to drop my head's a mess the only salvation is I'll never see you again
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Blow the last candle out.
Let the wax harden
I wish I could stop crying.
I wish someone still loved me
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Wow, it's been awhile huh? sorry work, and no internet does that to you.
Man, alot has happened, met new awesome people, opened up a new side of me, actually two, an outlaw and a new age hippie, outlaw being that I'm like the bad boy but I have a heart, and should I say why a hippie? Also, had a short hook-up on New Years, haha I was drunk and hooked up with this chick on New Year's Eve and at New Year's Day around 8pm when I was sober, I found out she isn't for me, but I know the sex was great, but sex isn't all I want. OH also got into a fight with, and a mutal anger for my ex. We had a fight because I got mad because she was depressed because her "friends" wouldn't hang out with her. Then later I was supposed to appologize...go fuckin figure, I was concerned now I got to say sorry? Also she said I was being a jackass at her house, when I went there but her other friends were doing shit and I stayed very quiet, and at times it seemed like her friends wanted me around when Karen made the decision that I wanted to leave, shit they don't do anything exciting any fuckin ways, but oh well fuck it. I mean if this is supposed to hurt me it doesn't, I got SOOOOO many friends that are there for me and don't get depressed quick, and would do ANYTHING for me, I mean the girls I know all I got to say is "GO" and they will beat Karen's ass, but I didn't and won't because I fight my own battles with or without fists. Off that topic, I'm taking a Business and Law class, for me and to help my step-dad get his contractor's license. I'm going to see AFI play in Ft. Myers and since I'm DF I can bring a NON-DF friend to meet the band, if I'll have a camera I'll take loads of pictures but if I don't hell I'll have the memory, so far it's Me, Shawn, and his g/f Jen, and I'm trying to get one of my friends to go but we'll see what she says. Works been a blast, I'm making money to do almost nothing, more like 9 bucks an hour to drive, listen to music, and work out, it's awesome.
OH I also got rid of my long hair and trimmed it and put blonde tips and when I'm spiked all my friends say I look "fuckable" "hot" and mainly "drop dead gorgeous" I see I look better like this but not all of that, but I may have to, I've been getting hit on ALOT, well I'm gonna download some songs then I'll be catching some zzzzz's
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATES
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Happiness is an emotion I was born to this world without,
nothing pleases me. I cannot be satiated
Thru this toil I will breed my own distress and destroy my best hopes,
fuck up the only things I love.
I WATCHED MY DREAMS DIE.
current mood:  horny
current music: A Song For The Optimists ~ Atreyu
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| Sunday, October 12th, 2003
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7:45 pm - And I only got one weapon, it’s so plain for me to see, My only weapon I call, poetry
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And I don’t even know why
The truth seems like a lie
In my cell there is no sky
When I was arrested in Shanghai
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Yesterday was fairly fun, fuckin bullshit too. I cashed my $548.35 check and only took $120 for me to spend.
Well the day started with me babysitting my sister, and it was fine, until 4 when my parents got home nothing bad happened just cooked too, ate and left. I went to the mall to get new shoes, and some other shit, and Karen wanted to meet up and as you know I was mad with her, so I was hitting on one of the clerks and she comes waltzing in and gives me a hug and starts to act like everything is alright, and I ignored it, then we leave and she tries to hold my hand and I removed it and reminded her, and she starts giving me shit about it and I returned it too. So AGAIN she wants me to seem like an asshole, and she just leaves so I left, after I bought a new pair of Etnies, new Rancid CD AWESOME CD, and a new hat since my AFI one is getting dirty, and met up with Laurie.......
K. Let's start with this, which is why I'm pissed, well this and Karen, I met up with Laurie and her BF and talked to her and found out my now EX-friend, Shawn, ditched her and fucked some whore and did lines of coke and told her he's well respected and doesn't need her, that got me mad but not furious, so I went did my shopping and Karen's shit, I went out side pissed and saw Lori again and we talked and found out Shawn has been talking shit about all his "friends" calling me a fucking poser and shit, HOW THE FUCK AM I A POSER?!?!?!? my music interests changed but my clothing is the same, and Shawn's the fucking poser he's the one thinking he's Davey wearing eyeliner and shit.....after talking to Laurie, my friend which I haven't seen in a while, Lauren, called and I picked her up and we went and played pool and fuckin Shawn showed up after, and asked me if I was at the mall with Laurie and I said yea and he called her a cunt but I ignored him, then he came up again and showed me AFI on MTV2 like he's my friend he's lucky I didn't knock his ass out there and then. I mean my friends are leaving me, only friends I know I got is Lauren, Laurie, Matt, Jessica, Jaime, Ophelia, and Steve. But after pool we left and I was ready to kick his ass all night until.......
At 1130pm we picked up Matt, and chilled with him and we smoked some hydro, man was I fucked up but I felt better, and we chilled for awhile then I dropped off Matt, and wanted to chill with Lauren but she was passed out, she looked so cute sleeping, so I dropped her off and went to John's and what a suprise MORE weed, but his shit lacked the radness of Lauren's 'dro so I left all fried got home looked at the news and layed down listening to rancid. And I passed out an awesome sleep
Talked to Karen's, from Canada, roomate and found out she awoke from her coma this morning and she may be ok, which is good, I hope for the best.
K, I'm off to talk to Jaime, about living with her, my ex Ophelia, Adrienne, and Jenny.....bad mix for me haha 4 girls ONE guy....haha well laaaaaaaaates
OH YEA my birthday is this Thursday I WANT GIFTS IF YOURE MY TRUE FRIEND
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Now, in a world of privilege I was not born
But, the devotion of freedom and liberty I was sworn
So, every emotion is studied, watched their control
Who gets paid, who gets disciplined, who gets born
So, transmitting beams my coordinates, anywhere on Earth
And, as radio waves, surveillance, satellite bursts
Open up your skull and let some knowledge come in
Ya, crack open the cranium and let awareness begin
current mood:  infuriated
current music: Arrested in Shanghai ~ Rancid
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| Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
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10:17 pm - I’ve been knocked out, beat down, black and blue. She’s not the one coming back for you
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Don’t worry about me I’m gonna make it alright
Got my enemies cross haired and in my sight
I take a bad situation gonna make it right
In the shadows of darkness I stand in the light
Ya see it’s my style and I’ll keep true
I had a bad year but I got through
I’ve been knocked out, beat down, black and blue
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Well work is getting better, I'm getting used to the weight to carry and the routes, and all the fun shit.
Me and my ex aren't talking, mainly me, I got mad at her for a reason I don't feel like explaining, I just got mad, and she said sorry, and call me childish but it'll be a while before I get over this, it's happened before and now it got to me bad, so it changed me too. I've became more aggressive pretty much being what I was put to be...an asshole, I can be nice if you deserve it but mainly I'm an asshole, so people better get used to it, if not then beware.
Yesterday was Karen's, from Cali, birthday I wished her a great birthday, and today was my manager's birthday, had fun poking fun at him, and he had fun poking fun with me, one of the reasons I love my job, that and the pay with my hours.
Karen, from Canada, is on my mind BADLY. She has stomach cancer, and now for two days she's been in a coma, why am I being hurt? It fucking sucks. Wish I can do something, but it's not in my hands, it's all in God's hands. and I pray that she'll be ok....She can't go, she has too much to live for.....I pray and I'll keep praying
Went back to the studio today and recorded a cover with my friend's band, Tiger Army's Under Saturn's Shadow and Moonlite Dreams, and I sang Davey's parts, Jeremy, the bassist, said I sang awesome and I also recorded a few background songs for them and produced 3 songs, I'm getting to the dream of working with music. My band is planning a performance sometime this month then we'll call it quits, the label folded so the album is no longer being released unless another label picks us up. I'll be ok, I will take a break then look for a new band....but hey it'll be all good. well I'm off for the night, gonna watch The Cubs game, I hope The Cubs make it to the World Series, even if they lose, if they win DAMN....right now it's 11-0 in the top of the 6th, so later y'all
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If I fall back down
You’re gonna help me back up again
If I fall back down
You’re gonna be my friend
current mood: sore
current music: Fall Back Down ~ Rancid
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| Friday, October 3rd, 2003
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10:41 pm - Some may call it child abuse I just call it bonding with you Dad.
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I've got an Ape Drape, yes I do
They're givin' em to anyone, and that means you
You can drive to Riverside and get one too
And then you'll have an Ape Drape like I do
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Yea, wow, I have no time for this. Work is crazy. It's driving me nuts, I mean early morning wake ups, big deliveries, unloading it myself, then back to the store to reload the van/truck for more orders, some painters help me unload but not many.
Today, wow, was hectic, got to work alittle late and had an OK order, went by quick because painters were helping, got back alittle winded, then reloaded a HUGE, 225 gallons, ALL in 5 gallon buckets and since people on construction are dicks ONE painter and I unloaded the van carried the paint about 50 feet, THEN up three flights of stairs, banged up my knee, and got completely tired, got back to the store 4 more times and with OK orders and small ones too, but that big order totally got me tired, and driving got me more tired and the small orders had heavy shit so wore me out more. then finally left and when I got home I had to go buy my dinner, and get movies, wore me out more....then I got home showered, played NFL Blitz for alittle then talked to Karen, my ex, and Jamie for alittle.
On a side note, Karen, the girl from Canada, has me extremely worried, usually when she leaves she lets me know, mad or not, but I was talking and she was writing, it said she was typing but an hour passed and NOTHING and it said the same, then she went offline and I asked her to email me letting me know if she's ok, but nothing. I don't care if people like her or not, I like her and I am worried....my phone is low on minutes so I won't be able to call her anytime soon which sucks but hopefully she's fine.
Well I'm gonna go talk to Karen for alittle more then I'm off to bed because I am dead tired
Laaaaaaates
OOOOOOOOOOOH.....my birthday is in 13 days, it's on the 16th, get me stuff hehe
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Make it like that famous country singer
Or that guy I saw last night on Jerry Springer
Clean me up but let me keep my edge,
In the day I like to keep it dignified
But at night you know I got another side
And I don't give a damn, cause I am what I am
Even if it's really really bad
current mood:  tired
current music: I've got an Ape Drape ~ The Vandals
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| Sunday, September 28th, 2003
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9:12 pm - The Blood is on your hands, Life Stealing MotherFuckers
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Well it's been awhile because of my job but ehhhhhhh....It's going good though.....but the week has been going good, I'm making 9 dollars an hour there, and I'm working mad hours. Saturday was not bad, it was ok, then I left to Karens and we hung out and Christina was there so we chilled as well, then we went to drop off Christina then we got some food, because I didn't eat for 4 days then. Then we just layed together, and then we...uhhhhhhhhhh....did some homework...*wink* and Karen had a tattoo done that day it looks awesome....at around 1am I had to leave because her mom was wanting to go to sleep so I left and when I did I called another Karen, the one from Canada, and I talked to her but it wasn't all jokes, she has stomach cancer, I can tell it's getting her....her voice sounds soooo weak, I mean I've woken her up and her voice being tired but this was beyond that....I don't want to lose anyone else, I've lost too many to death, either dieses(sp?), car wrecks, overdoses, or just other ways. Karen, my ex, and I share one death and it's still hard on us both.
Today was kinda shitty, had to work on my step-dad's boat, it wasn't that bad, but then he got drunk and wanted to go fishing and he knows I LOATHE fishing and he told me if I don't want to I don't have to, then later he was all, WE'RE GOING we'll be back around 11, and I was I have work, and he was acting like fishing was #1. I told him I don't want to then all shit broke loose, he told me to go fuck myself about 15 times, and he started dissing my boss, and he's an awesome person, calling him the Q-word then called me it too, I just looked at him and told him, in anger, if he's gay explain him being married to a WOMEN and has 2 kids, 7, and 3, and if I'm gay then why do you hear me going out and talking to women and me doing my flirts with girls, huh? and he tried to put me down more but it didn't work, so I stayed away, but he's been pissing me off, I just want to leave, I was hoping he kicks me out, so I can suprise him by leaving, and I know he'll be like, I said to leave but I didn't think he would. Well I have my job so money will come in then I'll move out and maybe move in with Karen, she's someone I trust being myself...other people I won't feel comfortable doing normal stuff, we're friends and all, but we know each other too, so it'll be just right. Well I'm gonna go on AOL and chat for abit then I'll be off to bed ready for work tomorrow....
Laaaaates
current mood:  indescribable
current music: Eviction Article ~ boysetsfire
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| Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003
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8:50 pm - this world is like a cage and i don't think it's fair and i don't even think that anybody cares it'l
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continue to be flying like an eagle to my destiny so can you feel me,
hell yeah can you feel me,
hell yeah if you feel me mother fucker then you say, hell yeah i'm livin' life in the fast lane
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Well my job has stopped me from updating this.....well what's up yall......my AIM is down....my job is going well.....Jake came by my house around 530, and he got the album, I told them Jake was to get it first....so the band came by my house and we listened and it was dope....never thought it do so good, so we are gonna send it back with comments and then our album will be sent and distributed.....I won't get a copy...cuz I don't want one....I know friends want to hear it...but I mean it'll be awesome to go to indy stores and hopefully see my CD it'll be awhile before it'll be out though.....we have a title too, Loyal to None, and Jake made me and the band and crew charms....they are rad...I use mine as a keychain...until I get a chain...then I'll wear it as a necklace.
I've thrown out my grudges to everyone, especially when an old neighbor and I bumped into each other...I mean life is too short for grudges, thank you Mrs. Hayward for that awesome quote, it is sooo true, and we talked and settled any problems, and we just pointed out that it's beef between my step-dad and him, not me..work is getting easy...knowing my way around...I mean around the store I know WELL and near my house but I deliver to places like 20 some miles from the store and the store is like 15 miles from home...but hey I'm getting used to it......well i'm gonna go make myself a pizza, lay down, hope AIM comes back, but til then I'm gonna lay down the later call my baby....Laaaaates
current mood: tired
current music: Livin It Up ~ limpbizkit..sorry the only song by them I like
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| Friday, September 19th, 2003
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10:17 pm - Radio, Radio, Radio.............
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when I got the music, i got a place to go
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Well I had my first day, I think I did great, and people commented on me and my workinghood, haha, it was hard at first but it got better, it was awesome....
Since I got home everyone is asking how I did?? But now I'm mellowing out with good music and some people....soon I will call my baby ;).......I am pretty tired...so I'm gonna go laydown....mellow through the night
current mood: mellow
current music: Radio (Rancid Cover) ~ NOFX
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| Thursday, September 18th, 2003
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10:53 pm - No Trust
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can be given freely, its' a valuable commodity, but obviously this is something you've never learned
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Well today was ok, worked, and then was FORCED to go fishing tomorrow until 530, when I got a job WITHOUT AN INTERVIEW....did an application 2 weeks ago, then got a call today asking if I can start tomorrow.....AWESOME...I now work at a paint store, hell it's a job, til then it was aggrivating with my step-dad being drunk...then my mom slapping me cuz she's a know-nothing BITCH
Last night, my dog ate too much and got REALLY sick, so I took him to the ER Vet...only for him to have surgery, because he not only ate too much but swallowed whole pieces, and had water so it exspanded, so his stomach grew and also food was goin up his throat and he was near choking to death, he's fine now.....Thank you Karen for being here for me, even though I never called, but you understood thank you so much it means ALOT to me.... Well I'm kinda nervous about my job, but I HOPE I'll do good...well gonna get some food and then I'll call my lil' Karebear....
Laaaaaaates
current mood: angry
current music: He Who Laughs Last... ~ AFI
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| Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
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11:27 pm - Here i am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded but i see through it all and see you
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what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy. oh well. apparently nothing. you don't see me. you don't see me at all.
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Yea I know it's been a week, but it's been a wierd week.....haven't been in the studio since tuesday, since ONE my main vocals are done and I do sound DIFFERENT, and TWO the label is going bad so it may fall before the album is complete but hey at least it's recorded IF we can get money I can BUY the recordings and have them done by other producers. I hung out with my ex Friday and we just hung out abit around the mall, a car show and the park, and we got in an heated conversation and I got mad and droped her off, and then I remembered she had my money when I got food, so I went back and then we talked and settled our, mainly mine, problem.
Well afterwards I went home and slept, then went to work on a saturday and got home around 4 and fell asleep and slept through the night...WIERD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The morning after that's when my problems started, working AGAIN on a sunday...my step-dad started bitching at me about everything....no paint, the shitty sprayer being clogged....and when I went to move the machine, HE WOULDN'T HELP...and before I was on a later on uneven ground and on the last rung, I could have fell but no help...but still I needed to move the pump and I asked if he could help pull the hose...AND HE STARTED PULLING IT LIKE A LOON, and I asked him to move it slow, and when he did my mom came to help move the pump, because it's heavy and there was a rise I had to pull it over, and he knocked her down HARD and it was MY FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry I didn't pull the hose that caused her fall, he got jokey again when my mom's pants ripped but it restarted.
Monday, he was bitching over nothing, and I told him "bitch all you want, if you touch me in ANYWAY...I'm packing my shit and leaveing for good" I've been kicked out of my house 6 times, but I was gone for an hour to 3, but once I left over night, but this time I will leave FOR GOOD...and if I do I guess it's Cali. Here I come, sorry if you care about me, but you can always come with me.
Today was perfectly fine til we got home at 730pm.....don't want to discuss it, but it's all mainly being that he thinks he is the first to do everything, or he should, but I did it first....and it's all verbal abuse
People wonder why I'm the way I am...NOW YOU KNOW
K, I'm off now to get ready and call Karen, be on later.....
Laaaates
current mood: depressed
current music: 3 Libras ~ A Perfect Circle
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| Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
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8:06 pm - Heartbreak incarnate, I'm nothing if not your memories please let me be your joy and your pain
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Well today was horrible, yesterday I took one of my 2 only days off and I went on the boat and got trashed, and was so gone, and I called Karen, my ex, and we talked til I was nearly asleep.
Today I helped my step-dad clean the boat then it was off to the studio, I didn't do too good, thoughts in my head and a hangover are BAD mixes for recording, but for some reason my ex was all I could think of, don't know why.
Why am I like this? I mean I broke up with her, I hurt her, but yet I still worry and want to talk to her. I shouldn't be like this. Why am I? I mean I feel safe and happy with her. I mean I broke up with her because of my problems and I don't want to hurt her with these problems. If you wonder, and sweetie this is true, I still love her dearly, just these problems keep me from being with her, nothing but time can fix my problems, she is my everything to me, and I hate it that I care so much but my problems stop me, pisses me off. I want to get back with her but I'll be an asshole because of my feelings, not towards her, just life, and my mom would keep fucking with my life, I know I'm 20 but remember right now she employs me, and helps my finacial shit and food, and a roof, but I swear when I get my own place, and these problems are healed I will want to be back with her, I may date other people but my feelings will always be for her, my heart belongs to her, God I STILL Love Her...I shouldn't be like this like I said I, me, dumped her...I shouldn't feel this.
I called her a few times and got no answer and I can't find my phone because it fell somewhere in my car, and all I thinking is, is she ok? is she still alive, I mean she went through so much, but I pray she's ok....I'm SOOOOOOOO scared!!!!!!!
If I hurt someone or offended I'm sorry these are my feelings. Nothing can change it
Well I'm off to look for my phone, may take a while, then I'll be here to chat but til then
Laaaaaates
current mood: worried
current music: Synesthesia ~ AFI
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| Monday, September 8th, 2003
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8:46 pm - You better hope you fuckin' miss me if you see me drinkin' whiskey
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Well, I went to work for a few hours, easy shit.....then went back to the studio.
Yesterday spent the whole day there, did my vocals, and got the bass.......we only have like 50% of the shit done then.
Today, we just recorded some more and BSed......finished up guitars and bass, and I did some background vocals, and I am co-producer so I helped produce two songs...if they make the cut I don't know, we have recorded like 15 songs for a 5-9 song album...we'll see where this goes.
Ehhhhh today was ok, before the studio and a bit afterwards...work, I hate it, and after wards I just kicked back at home.
All the fun was in the studio, me and Jake played NCAA Gamebreaker, I schooled him, in Art 101...hehe...he was FSU and I was Northwestern, in a real game FSU would smoke NU....still love them though, but today I schooled him to an 70-0 score...thanks to my blitz, my safty got to the line and rushed the QB and sacked him, intercepted or blocked the pass....and we tackled the punter before he could even set up the power of the kick...I set up great positioning too...seem like an onside kick, but the nail the ball in the direction all my players were and then WHAM...then Jakes team NEVER passed the 20.....at one time he got to 4th and 24, at HIS 1 and went for a punt....SAFTEY....he kicked the ball we ran for a TD....we kicked, then tackled the returner, and he fumbled for another TD......it was PURE schooling.
Well I'm off to lay down...and maybe crash for the night...
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATES
current mood: energetic
current music: Tall Cans in the Air ~ The Transplants
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| Saturday, September 6th, 2003
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9:46 pm - But I still feel you, Despite your tombstone, so friend you must still walk among us,
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Well today went ok.....I spent most of my day in a studio....a RECORD STUDIO...cheap one...confused? My old band, Identity Crisis, have chosen to hook up to record at least ONE record....like a farwell record, maybe it'll keeps us together, people know to me, music is life. We got through preproduction, and got to record some drums and Guitar, not much? picture us from 11am-8pm in there and pre-production was like an hour, and we practiced some, and to see my vocal range, and wow my singing voice all mixed and shit is different, I sounded abit like Bert from The Used, but less annoying, people who hear this album will be suprised how I sound!!!!!!. Tomorrow we get to go through the rest of the guitar and drums, tomorrow start and finish bass in one day maybe the same times like today....it was fun today, I mean, we were kinda sad, because this was our first album since losing Vick, car accident, but we gained Jake, so me and Jake hung out and played some pool upstairs, yes this dude has a basement, so we BSed..me and Jake are bros, we just hung out and listened to the guys as they rocked their shit..Jack tears up the guitar, it will be kinda more like Hardcore, and Chris just created a riot and judgement day on the drums
See for this demo we wrote songs, but before we were a cover band, who wrote BARELY, I did but I also got addicted to herion but kicked it...Me and the band just chilled and had some sprite and vodka before we practiced, and we jammed out songs were:
Lost Souls-AFI
The Artist in the Ambulence-Thrice
Ruby SoHo-Rancid
The Leaving Song-AFI
Tall Cans-The Transplants
The funny ones at the end:
Right Thurr-Chingy....but as playing the guitar, bass, and drums, instead of the recorded shit, and I just rapped "punkish" as Steve, our producer, said
Ace of Spades-Motorhead
Well the last one isn't funny but a suprise that we could play it, shit, Jack learns his shit quick
If you wondering why I didn't say anything, well this is a private studio so I didn't want to say no to anyone, I knew it'd be a tiring day so "chillin after" won't happen.....super tired, and three it was a suprise
Well nothing else is new, just drinkin some Green Tea, eating Trolli Bright Octopuses, and listeing to AFI, K, I typed ALOT...I'll try to keep updating more and more about this, right now I'm gonna wait for Karen to get back also to have people talk to me.....k
Laaaates
current mood: high
current music: To Awake and Avenge The Dead ~ Thrice
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