blairbitch's Blurty
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in blairbitch's Blurty:

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    Saturday, December 29th, 2007
    7:15 pm
    happy christmas?

    How's this for a Merry Christmas, being told "I want you. You're the one I want" like five times on Christmas Day, and just days before that, being sung to across the oceans and continents with a song that he made:

    You're Beautiful 

    Verse1: Now that i hold you Now that i kiss you I felt,more,more and more closer to you Just want to make it simple Because i hate goodbye And i am just being me And i really want to try try...try my best You told me i can trust you I believe you can trust me too.. I know we are not suppose to be But i want you to see me for me Im a good guy i wont cheat and tell you lie. Just want to hold your hands And look at your eyes The way you make me feel i cant explain it. My feelings running wild, and i cant contain it. I just want you to see how your driving me crazy. But i dont want nothing in this world but to say your my baby..baby... And all i want to say Chorus:YOur so beautiful,your so beautiful..yeah... I know your wonderful,i know your wonderful..yeah... You make me smile,you make me smile When i see you smile. Verse2:I just want to hear your voice Dont worry i wont make any noise Your always there for me..yeah... I promise i'll be there for you Girl let me show you that i can treat you right. I would never try to play you or ever tell you lies.. My respect goes out to you,the way you make me feel This are my true feelings and i must keep it real..

    And repeat to chorus

     

    I didn't know whether to jump around like crazy or give him a good bop on the head for being late and taking so long. Now What should I do? 

    Wednesday, September 5th, 2007
    11:37 am
    maiba naman
    kahapon. Tambay kami sa may track oval, kumakain ng saba con hielo. Kwentuhan. Daldalan. Akalain mo, inabot kami ng tatlong oras? Habang inuubos ang malamig na meryenda, pinapanood ang mga naglalaro ng football at ang pagpalit ng kulay ng kalangitan (mula ube at rosas hanggang maging itim), nagsimulang lumitawang mga bituin. Ang usapan ay di basta usapang love-life ng bawat isa o ng kung sino-sino. Sa halip, ay ang pagiging frustrated sa buhay, sa tao, sa lipunan, sa sistema. Hindi naman sa nagpapakamiserable kami o nagmamagaling. Dun umikot ang usapan, "para maiba naman." Masaya pag-usapan ang mga mabababaw na bagay. Hindi naman sa hindi natin kayang abutin ang lebel ng usapang intelektwal o "profound". Madalas kasi, masyado na tayong pagod--sa acads, sa love life, sa buhay, sa lahat--kaya di na inaasam pang magsimula ng mga usapang matuturing na malalim o yung tipong mapapaisip ka tungkol sa buhay. Nakakapagod nga rin naman mag-isip. At kung sandali lang at madalang ang panahon na makasama ang mga kaibigan, karaniwan, nagpapaka-superficial na lang. Dahil nga pagod at gusto namang sumaya o makalimot sandali pag magkakasama. Isa pa, kaya tayo may lakas ng loob na maging mababaw at "superficial" pag kasama natin ang ating mga kaibigan ay dahil silanga ang kasama natin,ang mga taong tatanggapin ka pa rin, pagtitiyagaan, iintindihin ka, sa mga panahong ayaw mo mag-isip at gusto lang maging masaya sa pagiging mababaw.

    Currently Listening: Alamat ni Bulan - i can hear Regh singing in my mnd

    Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
    3:22 am
    damn

    sht. kay naman pala.  kaya namna pala lulubog-lilitaw ang kupal.

    Monday, July 23rd, 2007
    3:38 pm
    1 missed call

    Kahapon. Nananahimik ako. Halos wala pang tulog. Er, naka-idlip naman nung madaling araw pero nagigising-gising sa nakalatag na diyaryo sa sahig sa waiting area na (outdoors pala) kasama si tita.
    Pero ayun, nakauwi na'ko. Inaalog utak ko para gumana at tapusin yung report. Nang biglang lumitaw yung litrato namin sa cellphone ko na nasa tapat ko.

    Huwat??

    Ilang sekundo lang yun. Dalawa yata.

    Calling... *blink*  *blink*

    At sa ilang sekundo na yun,
    sa pag-blink ng litratong 'yun na nagpapakita kung sino yung tumatawag,
    sa biglang pagkawala at pagtigil ng ring tone,
    nagulantang nanaman mundo ko.

     

    ***

    Kaarawan ngayon ng isang ekis. Yung nasa malayung-malayo.

    Yung biglang nagbago.

    Nung mga nakalipas na linggo, napapasip ako kung babatiin ko ba o hindi. Bakit hindi, e medyo maayos naman yata huling paguusap namin, pag-uusap na nagtapos na 'magkaibigan na lang' kami? 

    Pero bakit pa? May pakialam pa ba siya?

    Bakit pa, kung meron ng gagawa nun at babati sa kanya dun ngayon?

    Pero 'di din ako nakatiis. Nag-iwan din lang ako ng maikling mensahe sa page nya. Wala lang. Sinabi ko lang na sana masaya siya. Totoo naman eh. Ayun.

    E ano ngayon? Wala na lang yun. Bahala na.

    Currently Listening: 4 in the morning - Gwen Stefani

    Saturday, July 21st, 2007
    7:33 am
    fools like me

    Sometimes things life conspires, things coincide and you’re struck by how perfect the timing is—every freaking time.

    Then there’s this:

     
    “U don’t wanna let go coz
    u ‘feel’ that there’s sumthng sweet goin on
    between d 2 of u.
    sumthng beyond words.
    sumthng only ur heart understnds.
    U wait & wait…

    But still, nothing happnd, he’s still glued 2 d spot…
    problem is:
    u jst cnt walk away but
    u cnt stay either…”

     
    langyang forwarded message yan…

    Currently Listening: Fools like me - Lisa Loeb

    Sunday, July 15th, 2007
    12:12 pm
    who's intoxicated?
    Three nights ago, it was past midnight and I was trying to finish a post lab report when the chorus of “How to save a life” burst out of nowhere, derailing my trail of thought and diverting it to thinking about where it’s coming from. I looked at my phone, its screen light was blinking with an incoming call form an unknown number that’s too short to be a cellphone number. Who the hell?

     “Hello?” I asked as I answered the call, only to hear ticking like that of a timer at the other end. After a few seconds of asking the same thing over and over and not getting anything audible that may have come from the actuall human who made the call, I hung up. I looked at the number, a provincial code, and tried to recall what province the call might have come from. It hit me, even as I was thinking, “No way, no, no, no!” and “Not you again, but if it were you, you’d better call again so we could talk” at the same time.

     Then there was an incoming call again. My rational thinking and equilibrated state was gone within the first line of the song. A part of me wished that I was wrong about the caller’s identity. Of course, I was right. Damn it.

     “Hello?”

    <muffled sounds>

    “Who’s this?” (as if I was really unsure of who it might be)

    “Hi, it’s me.” <tick tick tick of that timer again.weird call connection>

    “Hey. So you still remember me,” (in my mind, what I was actually thinking was walangya ka, bakit ka pa tumatawag ngayon?)

    <muffled voices in the background>

    “Hey quit it,” <muffled voices>

    “Sorry, my… these two drunks are bothering me,” the caller drawled.

    “The what?”

    “Hi! So how are you? Are you doing ok?” words spoken too fast and too perky to be normal coming from him though he could be so hyper sometimes.

    “You’re weird. Are you drunk?”

    <undecipherable answer>

    “Hoy, ano ba? Bakit ka ganyan?”

    “Uhm, I’m kinda drunk,”

    “Duh, ano ba yan, bakit ka kasi uminom?”

    “Because I only have the guts to talk to you when I’m drunk,” the words could hardly come out smoothly. He’s too distracted, too drunk to simultaneously think and talk straight. Bwiset.

    Then the line went dead, which left me quite confused. I tried to recall what I got form the conversation. I just heard his voice. He called. And he’s drunk. And he can’t talk to me when he isn’t?

    How to save a life..where did I go wrong…
    I pick up my phone.

    “Hey”

    “Hi! (him being perky) This is a call from Citel, is this Ms.C*?”

    “G*go, tigilan mo nga ‘ko, Bakti ka ganyan?” kaasar, pinagtitiripan pa’ko

    “So how are you?” (like we had just started the conversation, I started thinking that he’s gone mad)

    “I’m not ok”

    “Ha?” (does intoxication lead to not hearing well?)

    “I’m not ok. What’s going on?”

    <muffle sounds>

    “How are you?” (Grr,bingi yata eh)

    “Ano ba..”

    “Ok so I’m sorry, I haven’t been texting you or calling you for a long time,”
    (wow, nag-restart ba? Personality shift. biglang tumino? I hate talking to people who are drunk)

    “Er, yeah, so,”

    “I’m sorry…I’ve got some problems and emotional baggage,” (duh, no, really? I know, right?) then probably to his drinking buddies “hey stop that,” then the line went dead.

    Ok, sum of the last conversation (if that could actually pass as a converastion):
    1. he’s really drunk and because of that, he’s speaking English than he already does when he’s sober, 2. he said that he’s sorry. But that doesn’t really mean anything since he is currently drunk, 3. he now works in a call center?

    *beep*

    he texted me, saying one of his friends ended the call, that he’d call again an hour later, and that he hopes I’d still be awake then. Of course I’d still be awake. He’d just disrupted my quiet and uneventful night. I didn’t want to have to talk to him anymore, and yet there’s this part of me that still wanted to ask him stuff even though I knew I’d be getting answers from someone who’s smashed.

    <later…>
    "Hello?”

    “Hi! So how are you?”

    (damn it, I was hoping he’d be a bit sober and less drunk after an hour, but no)

    “You’ve asked me that before, and I’ve answered you,”

    “I know, I think this is the fifth time,”

    (wow, he can still count. That’s just great.)

    “Why are you calling me now? Why can’t you talk to me when you’re not drunk?”

    “Do you still have that CD I gave you last time?”

    “Yep, what about it?”

    (what’s that got to do with all this?)

    “Remember the song..(undecipherable words)…?)

    “Er, no…” (Because, honestly, even if I did understand what song he’s asking about, I wouldn’t remember—there are 93 songs in that CD. All I remember is that they’re all mush.)

    “It’s like my good bye song to you,”

    “What? What are you talking about?”

    “…emotional baggage…problems… and I’m sorry…I only have a few seconds left for this call,” (or something like that. He was rambling and those were the only words that I was able to make out. Anyway, if that’s what he was trying to say, then, duh, like I haven’t figured that out yet)

     *beep*

    And that’s it. Minutes later he texted again, saying he’d “tell me everything in person” (oh really? I wouldn’t count on it because he’s up and out there. Besides, his”baggage” might keep him from leaving that place,) and that I should take care of myself always. Toink. His voice and his ramblings were still playing in my head.

    The whole “I-only-find-guts-to-talk-to-you-when-I’m-drunk” thing is full of bull. Telephones, cellphones, PCs with internet connection, and other means of communication should not be anywhere near one’s choice of venue for a drinking spree. First, because you might regret a lot of things you might have said and/or done when you use these things to contact certain people since intoxication lowers or temporarily removes inhibitions. It makes people say things they do or don’t mean, simple things like ‘I’m sorry’ or the overused three words.

    Chugging down too many shots of rum, tequila, vodka, or any other poison of choice before trying to say things that you do mean but just can’t say it in your right state, totally ruins the whole idea of trying to be honest and putting it (yourself, your feelings, your guts and whatnot) out there.

    Because, second, a testimony or anything that comes spilling out of the mouth of a rambling drunk is as reliably truthful as the answers you get from a magic 8-ball. Or maybe not. But that’s just it, I can never be sure. Besides, slurred or rambled words, which, when tried to put together in an attempt to form a complete sentence, is too challenging to decipher at almost two in the morning even when my brain is wide awake.

    I hate how people just dive right back into my life just when I was starting to accept the fact that they’re already out of it, just when I have started getting used to them not being there. What makes it suck more is that I can still get so affected.

    So. Which one of us is intoxicated and who can be really called sober? 

    Currently Listening: call me when you're sober - amy lee

    Wednesday, July 11th, 2007
    1:07 am
    pangit.

    sa wakas, nabuksan ko rin Tabulas ko. Nung mga nakaraang linggo kasi, sa tuwing maglo-log-in ako ay sa page ng ibang tao ako napupunta. Weird dahil para bang ako nag-log-in gamit ang username at password niya, at napapasok ko ang account niya. buti na lang mabait ako't wala akong ginawang masama sa account niya. Wawa pa man din at mas bata sakin -_-'

    hay naku, may mga taong alam ko di na dapat iniisip, mga dapat kinakalimutan na dahil yun naman ang ginawa sakin, pero gustuhin ko man (at oo, gusto ko), di yun nangyayari. Naiisip ko pa rin halos araw araw kahit wala namang mga bagay o pangyayari sa paligid/araw ko na posibleng makapagpaalala sa kanya.

    Ayoko na. Napagod na ako.

    Ayoko na.

    Ayoko na. 

     

    Currently Listening: never again - kelly clarkson

    Monday, June 25th, 2007
    2:50 am
    in exchange for...

    I finally got to the Mall of Asia last Saturday. Kamusta naman, ngayon lang? It's too far for me to go to just to hang out or watch a movie on a procrastination/free day. But since papa's going for some business stuff, my sister and I tagged along. I wanted to explore the place. But my sister saw the ice skating rink and wanted to skate. I kept my mouth shut. I wasn't up for ice skating because the last time I did (in Mega mall years ago), I fell on my butt and it hurt for an hour or two. Imagine falling on your butt or on your face with a lot of people watching! gawd.

     

    I was able to stall by convincing my sister and our father to explore the place first. So we did. I felt like we were just going in circles and not really getting to explore the whole place. We soon got tired of walking around, and went back to the skating rink. It was inevitable, my facing my fear of falling on my butt in front of a lot of people. My sister said she'd feel silly going out there alone (well, not really alone since there were almost 50 or more other people in it), and Papa won't go. I pretty much had no choice. So I went skating with her, feeling nervous as I laced up my skates.

     

     

    Then we were on the ice! It felt ok, since I'd initially thought I'd go skidding down as soon as I stepped on the ice. We skated for an hour, and I didn't fall--we both didn't! yey!haha. Befor the hour ended, my hands were already a bit too cold for me to be able to text in my usual speed (duh, that's what staying on top of ice for almost an hour with only a cotton shirt and jeans on does to you.), and my feet hurt after. But it was hella fun). Wanna do it again!

     

    Oh, at the end of our long day, all I could think of was a list of “Some ways to kill your feet”:

    -explore the Mall of Asia

    -go ice skating for an hour in skates that pinch your toes, ankles, etc.

    -go walk some more after that

    -then go to Mega mall and walk its length back and forth till you get grumpy from fatigue and hunger.

    Haha.

    I was going to go to Pampanga for the weekend to perform in an Aeta village (with the performing group I belong to) to reach out and bring our kind of music to our brothers and sisters who are seemingly forgotten by the modern, busy world. I was planning on going without telling my father because I know he would say 'no' anyway if I asked (bad, I know, but that's how bad I wanted to come). But I walked away from the gig and gave up my slot when I couldn't contact my mom to ask for her permission (I'm asking her because I know she'd let me go, hehe) during rehearsal, and I also thought about my still pretty messy and busy acads sched, etc.

    So, doing what I'm supposed to do as a good daughter and student, I didn't go.  I was going to dop all my school work during the weekend. But I went mall hopping instead. Well, at least I did it with my family and I didn't have to lie to my father. I'm a bit sorry I didn't get to go to Pampanga--those who were there reported that the Pampanga audience were great as always--but I’m glad I went out of the house (even if it meant almost killing my feet. haha).

     

    Saturday, June 23rd, 2007
    5:28 am
    come out, come out wherever you are!

    It's been two weeks since the sem started, and nothing much has happened yet. Just me getting confused with all of my lab classes. I have five for this sem, two everyday, all requiring formal reports and post lab reports. Ngayon pa lang medyo hilo na ako! Kelangan na makapag-adjust at tumigil na sa bakasyon mode!

    At bagong sem na, wala pa ring cute guys sa school! Where are all the hotness? Dahil ba ang mga hot guys ay hindi good enough para makapasok? Bad. di naman siguro. Well, wala pa rin akong nakikita(Hmm..sa Eng'g kaya, merong bago?haha). Kahit sa mga freshies man lang. Kamusta naman?? One freshie girl, when signing up at our org booth, said, "Ate, wala ba talagang cute guys dito?" haha.

    Ay meron pala mga medyo cute lang pero...

    - di matangkad or...

    - sa malayo lang pala cute.haha.

    -Yung iba naman masyadong,er, coño, di ko kinakaya, nawawala tuloy pagkacute/hot nila.

    -he has an appendage(read:gf attached to his arm)

    -Or they turn out to be gay pala. heehee

     Oh well, I guess it's better this way. It's for my own good. There won't be any distractions this sem. I can focus on going crazy on my lab reports. Pero walang mga "ray of sunshine" moments from seeing some crushies.haha. As if I'd even have the time to walk around school, look for and oggle at a hot guy (if, by some miracle, I do see one), e I'd be cooped up in the labs nga.

    As for Lee, I don't know...nothing's happening. Maybe Laya's right--it was all just for the summer. Oh crumb. Screw summer affairs. Go on Nerd mode for a change. Love my labs! -_-

    So, no boys for this sem? Hmm... maybe I can make one from the petridishes and agar in the lab! haha

    Tuesday, May 29th, 2007
    1:13 pm
    what's going on?
    I'll be going home in a couple of days, and I'm going to meet up with... Ken.  I'm not entirely sure why we both want to, but that's it.  He said we're going to talk.  Ok then, I hope that when we do get to talk, some things will be clearer.
    Monday, May 21st, 2007
    5:58 pm
    Summer's over...
    Yep, it's really over.

    ...so is summer class--of peering through microscopes, and dissecting frogs and cockroaches, cutting them up and tracing blood vessels and oushing organs around.

    ...so is what I have, er, had, with jessie..yep, it's really over. And I'm ok. I'm ok with it now.
    Saturday, May 12th, 2007
    4:52 pm
    masaya siya

    oo, masaya sya. Kahit na ang unang linya sa shout out nya ay "My heart is really broken," ang huling linya naman ay "Maybe this time I'll get lucky".

    tngna. ang sakit pa rin pala. Bakit ganun?  Ang sakit. Ang sakit kasi alam kong masaya sya.  Masaya kahit inalis na nya ako sa buhay nya. 

    Yun naman ang gusto ko diba?  Na makitang masaya pa rin siya. Ang makitang lagi siyang nakangiti.  Pero putek, ang sakit.

    It's been raining for the past couple of days. And each time it does, I am reminded of him because he likes rain.

    Currently Listening: the falling rain

    3:31 pm
    ugh.
    Ang pangit magkasakit.  Pangit. Pangit.  Bukod sa pinapiharapn katawan ko at nakakadistract sa klase, nakaka-sira ng poise (e super konti na nga lang meron ako.haha).  Buti na lang talaga na di ako inatake bigla ng coughing fit nung lumapit sa table namin ni car yung isang ekis ko na ‘friend’ ko na para mangamusta.  Oo nga’t wala na akong romantic whatever dun, pero syempre yaw ko namang makita nya akong ultra-haggardness.  Dapat ang sagot sa “O, kamusta?” ay ”Heto, maganda pa rin! ” sabay ngiti ng mega-watt smile.  Wahaha.
    Pero ayun, haggard na nga sa pag-aral, dagdag pa yung sakit.  Ilang araw na na tatlong oras lang yata tulog ko dahil sa tuwing makukuha ko na ang tulog ko, ayun, coughing fit. Grr. Sino ba namang makakatulog ng matino? Plus, may katext pang boylet (matatawag nga ba syang ‘boylet’?) nung hanggang sumikat na ang araw. Hahaha. Yun yun eh.  Wala lang, di na rin lang naman ako makatulog, e di reply lang diba?

    Kagabi naman, ay hangggang kaninang madaling araw pala...Grey's Anatomy naman ang inatupag. Fine, katext ko pa rin si Kulantro hanggang bago mag alas kwatro ng madaling araw (nauna syang magtext nung midnight, nung naka apat na episodes nako), pero ayun, di yata kinaya at nakatulog. haha. Bakit ba naman kasi madaling araw magtext gusto makipagchikahan e di naman kaya?

    So ayun, Grey's Anatomy. Masaya.  Kaso nagulat ako kasi...naiyak ako sa ilang eksena. Mga eksena na di naman yata normally kaiyak-iyak.  haha. powtek.  Nagulat ako kasi bigal na lang ayan na ang tears. Kamusta naman? Buti na lang mag-isa na lang akong nanonood. Tnigilan ko na ang DVD nung makita kong medyo lumiliwanag na sa labas...Hayan na'ng araw. Tago! Tulog na! haha...

    Anim na oras.  Ganun kahaba tinulog ko.  Kulang pa nga eh.  Kaso may mga dapat gawin.  Hay naku.  Gusto ko pa magpaka-loka sa Grey's eh.

    Eleksyon na sa lunes.  Dahil dyan, long weekend ang lahat ng tao.  Bakasyon.  Dahil din dyan, nagkakagulo mga tao.  Boboto ba o hindi?  Kung oo.  Sino?  Sa ngayon, nagkakandarapa na ang mga kandidato sa pambobola at pagpapa-asa, este, pangangampanya.

    Exercise your right to vote! (sabay ganun eh no?haha)

    Currently Watching: Grey's Anatomy DVD
    Currently Listening: Love Hurts - Incubus

    Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
    4:17 am
    adik

    I've been texting almost nonstop with ... since noon yesterday. It's 4am now. I think he finally fell asleep. I'm still up finishing my bio plates due a cpuple of hours form now. Still not a wink of sleep in my system, my poor eyes, and all because of him.

    "adik sau" he said this afternoon. 

    "r u actually flirting with me?" I asked, busy with skinning the frog that was given to us for dissecting.

    "no"

    "riiight. alright then" ewan ko sa'yo, basta dapat nagfofocus ako sa palaka ko nun. But no, sa frog prince kuno ako naka-focus. hay naku.

    At ngayon, kamusta naman, ano'ng petsa na? Tigilan nya ako sa "u're not being used" (to get over somebody) na linya nya, at lalo sa linya nyang di siya nakikipaglandian. Yes, we're in different regions of the country, and no, we've been conversing through SMS the whole time, but I can tell when somebody wants to be just friends or more than that again.

    Monday, April 30th, 2007
    2:48 am
    one last

    On that day, it’s been a month since and then I was given a chance to talk with him again. A month has passed. A lot could’ve happened in 30 days. I didn’t know what I’d say when I’d hear his voice again. All I knew then was that I wanted to check on him, know for myself that he’s fine, he isn’t in any trouble or what not, and that he’s ok.

    That he’s ok without me.

    Why’d I even bother? Why do I still want to talk to him? Well, maybe it’s because I feel the same way when you’re giving away a pet or a favorite bracelet or something you value. You’re ok with parting with it, you accept that you probably won’t ever see or be with it again, but you just want to make sure that whatever you’ll be parting with will be fine with its new owner. So you check on it one last time, check that it’ll be fine without you, before you really let go.

    But I didn’t get to talk to him, only to his brother who said that he won’t be home til the wee hours of the morning. That got me worried. Darn it. Why the hell do I still care? Oh. Right. The above mentioned reason. I’m not even sure if that makes sense.

    Saturday, March 31st, 2007
    10:45 pm
    no ordinary morning

    What if somebody from your past sent you a part of a Chicane song's lyrics that goes:

    Is there no light in your heart for me?
    You've closed your eyes, you no longer see

    There were no lies between me and you
    You said nothing of what you knew
    But there was still something in your eyes
    Left me helpless and paralyzed

    What are you supposed to feel?

    ***

    According to the comuter, I've been online for 02hours & 30minutes.  In that time duration, I've expreienced anger, sadness, disappointement, greatfullness, worry,happy-in-a-stupid-shallow-very-temporary-way, and pain--emphasis on pain--just by sitting here, infront of the computer, connected to the world through the world wide effing web.

    It is thanks to this that this guy who liked me (and I eventually liked back) found a way to still stay connected with me even though he's oceans away.  Now it is because of this that I found out that he's just there, within a 4feet radius of his brother who is online, completely capable of talking to me, but choosing NOT to simply because he does not want to and that hurts like hell.  The coward.  I've been treated like sh*t before.  But to be treated like this again like it's some sick cyle sucks big time.  But does he give a damn?  Obviously not. Wow. I can't believe I ever even liked this one in the first place.  I can hardly remember anymore becasue of this, what he's doing.  I just can't.

     I can do better. I deserve better. I know.  But even knowing that doesn't take the pain away, doesn't even lessen it.

    Monday, March 26th, 2007
    8:07 am
    perhaps if I was...

    There's something about Maria Mena's "Just a Little Bit" that hits me.

    just a little bit wiser<<--I wish
    just a little less needy<<--am I?don't think so. not really. am I?
    and maybe i'd get there
    <<--er, acads?pagiging US/CS? hahaha

     


    just a little bit pretty
    just a little more aware
    just a little bit thinner
    and maybe i'd get there
    <<---so manong Julio and Gel-o would stop calling me names -_-;

    hehe, ganun lng talaga sya magpakita ng pagmamahal sa kaibigan!

     


    clearly, clearly i remember
    hiking up my skirt
    and asking for your time
    <<--hike up my skirt? to be able to run better and catch up with somebody out there, i guess. but then, why should i run after somebody who's drifitng away and is distant right from the start?


     

    clearly, clearly i remember
    nervous if ever confronted
    and questioning myself
    <<--er, everyday phenomenon?haha, nah. not really. there are good days and bad days

     


    oh perhaps, perhaps if i got better<<--yeah
    perhaps if i challenged myself
    perhaps if i was...

    just a little bit stronger
    just a little bit wiser
    just a little less needy
    and maybe i'd get there


    clearly, clearly i remember
    days of useless crying
    and almost feeling dead
    <<--been there, done that...thankfully past that...if i have to go through that phase again, i hope it's for somebody deserving

     


    oh perhaps, perhaps if i was smaller
    perhaps i could control myself
    perhaps if i was...

    just a little bit stronger
    just a little bit wiser
    just a little less needy
    and maybe i'd get there

    just a little bit pretty
    just a little more aware
    just a little bit thinner
    and maybe i'd get there

    <<--yep, perhaps if I was...

    Currently Listening: Just a Little bit - Maria Mena

    Saturday, March 10th, 2007
    8:02 pm

    I was holed up in my room on a saturday afternoon, listening to the cd from a friend. I had asked him to download songs and burn a cd for me since he's on DSL and I'm not.hehe. Well, I had asked for John Legend's songs. But I didn't even know he had this song until I heard it. I thought, wow, this song's chorus is saying exactly what I want to say to somebody right now (except that mine's a 'he', of course). The chorus goes:

    Where did my baby go?

     

    I wonder where she ran off to

     

    I miss my baby so

     

    I'm calling but I can't get through

     

    Please tell that girl if you meet her

     

    That someone's longing to see her

     

    Where did my baby go?

     

    I wish that she would get back soon (get back soon)

    Well, maybe I'm being dense or plain stupid right now, but I'll just be here for as long as I can. I'll wake up eventually, and do what's right for me, for everybody, then I'll continue to live, love, and learn.  Right now, I guess I haven't gotten to the 'learning ' part yet, but I'm getting there.

     

     

     

     

     

    Friday, March 9th, 2007
    1:12 pm
    Blast from the past II

    He was just the same. Except for the fact that he wasn’t as skinny anymore, everything about him was mostly the same as how I remember—still his hyper, talkative, self-depreciating, funny, mambobola self.  Being with him during those two hours was weird.  Weird because he was actually there with me, there in the place where, three or four years ago, I had wanted him to be.  It was almost surreal.  Why hadn’t this happened then?  What’s the point of this happening now?

     

    But no, I know he isn’t the same guy from four years back.  After everything that’s happened, I’ll never look at him, or think of him, the same way again.  He has changed, in one way or another, and so have I. 

    Still, in a weird way, there's something that's familiar, something that makes me think like we always seem to just pick up where we last left off like no time has lapsed.

     

    Grr...This is a weird part of my life I’m going through…

     

     

    Currently Listening: Will you ever learn - typecast

    1:05 pm
    every little thing

    So maybe you’ve found someone who’ll really be there for you the way I would have wanted to be.  Maybe she can give you what you’re looking for and what you deserve because she’s physically there.  I think it’s unfair—she has the upper hand because, unlike me, she doesn’t have an ocean or a couple of continents that separate her from you.  If you indeed have found her, it’s fine with me. 

    Really. 

    Since we haven’t really been able to spend real quality time together, forgetting you, letting go would be so easy.  I won’t see some place and be reminded of you because it was where we used to hang out, or stop from doing something or going somewhere because it was what we used to do or where we used to go.  Nothing much would change in my perception of some things or what not just because it would remind me too much of you.  You wouldn’t even be that big a loss in my everyday battles because you weren’t really that big a contribution to them anyway.  You were just…you were just a source of my everyday happiness.

    I just wish you’d be brave enough to tell me that you’ve found her. Just as I am trying to be strong enough to let you go.

     

    ***

    “I jst wnt 2 b w/ u, hear u talk , watch u smyl”

     

    It would have been really flattering, so kilig-inducing to be told this by somebody I liked back.  But, the thing is, I don’t.  Not anymore, at least.  I guess it’s too late now.  The damage has been done.  Two years earlier, hearing this would have made me happy.  But now…now, what I felt when you told me this was somewhere between annoyance and indifference. 

     

    I was annoyed because after all this time, after what you did, and everything that has happened in our individual lives and some events that stubbornly connect our lives, you still have the nerve to use your same old lines—same old lies—on me.  Do you think of me as your safety net, your plan B, that you always try to get back together with me or at least try to convince me that you still feel the same way, every time your present relationship doesn’t work?  Am I some sort of a security blanket for you? 

     

    ‘Go back to the start when everything seems to fail’ is that your mantra?

     

    Two years, give or take another.  I have moved on since then; I have let you go and have gone to love others after you (though all ended the same way, but that’s another story).  Why do you still ask to see me, to be with me?  How will you let go and outgrow me as I have done to you if you keep up with this?

    ***

    Darn it, this is the effect of having nothing to do (since I just had my exam earlier today, and I've submitted my papers that were due this week) on me.  Since I have nothing to do, there is silence in my brain and so the painful thoughts and memories come to haunt me.  There is a twisted reason why I like being swamped by schoolwork--it doesn't give me any chance to remember that I am hurting and all the cause of it.

    Currently Reading: Lolo Jose by A.L. Bantung
    Currently Listening: every little thing - dishwalla

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