maestra's Blurty

Something More
So what’s new? I’m going through one of my episodes again and as always I’m falling down a bottomless pit. I don’t see anyone running to catch me; they just stare, watching me fall helplessly to my doom. I tried to act as an adult but now it seems as if people are blaming me for trying too hard.
This task is too difficult for me. I hate the thought of having to be responsible for other people. I still don’t know how I can be responsible enough for other people when I’m barely being responsible for myself. I’m too weak, I don’t have the strength to guide other people to the path they should be treading. I haven’t even found my own path, I’m afraid I’d only mislead them.

I wish I can be somewhere else, someone else. I want to be in a place where nothing is expected of me. I want to go through life, try things without the fear of what other people may think of me, without the fear of not meeting people’s expectations. I admit, running away when my world starts shaking is cowardice but is it too much to beg for peace in my life? Is it too much to ask for security and love? I believe I’ve been a good daughter, don’t I deserve a happy life? Sometimes I find it hard to understand how God gives much to people who are not even trying to please Him through their lives? Why do some bad people get more blessings while those people who have been toiling hard for Him don’t get as much blessings? I’m sorry, I know it sounds like I’m doubting God’s love for His children but when you look around you just can’t help but notice these things. Perhaps God is getting tired of my whining, I feel wretched for complaining, God has blessed me with a comfortable life but I want more. I guess I really am a bad person, ungrateful despite God’s faithfulness, but God understands, I know He understands.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Everything by Life House