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Monday, April 21st, 2003
| Time | Event |
| 12:14a | 'Was contemplative hours ago but now I'm depressed. I'm breaking down:( I feel so pathetic...there is this strong longing within me...it's so strong it actually hurts. I feel guilty cause i'm surrounded by wonderful people and yet I still feel so alone. I guess i'm longing for that special love...that love that I can call mine. I wanna know what it's like to look into another person's eyes and just know that that person loves despite my frailties. I wanna know what it's like to wake up in the morning and just know that eventhough things may get really crappy I'm assured that I'll still be ok because there's this somebody who would bring me that feeling of security. I'm pathetic:( Sometimes I wonder whether i'd ever find this "love" that I've been talking about...a part of me is really terrified at the thought that perhaps I won't...perhaps I'm just not good enough for anything beautiful...perhaps i don't deserve love:( Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: still Close Your Eyes by Jump Little Children |
| 11:54a | Still Sulking Idleness isn’t good for me. It just makes me think more about life and looking at how my life is doing it just makes me depressed. I should think less. I should stop what I’m doing right now cause writing down my thoughts makes me think too-hehe-well I’ll stop thinking after this entry. This sucks, I feel so un-lovable right now. I know I should stop worrying and instead I should try to keep myself busy that way I wouldn’t have time to reflect on my life-hehe- but I’ve got nothing else to do, I don’t feel like watching TV, don’t feel like reading the only thing I really want to do is sleep that way time passes by without me thinking about how pathetic I am, but too much sleep gives me headaches so that’s also not good. I guess I’d just stay in front of the computer, listen to “Close Your Eyes” over and over and over again, write down my thoughts, cry and then I’ll go to sleep when I’m tired. I wanna go to the mall, I need to buy a battery for my cell phone, I miss my 5510 I’ll be uploading all these depressing songs into my cell phone that way I can sulk and curse my life wherever I go-hehe! I wanna go to the beach!!! I only have two weeks left and I haven’t even seen the sea GRRRRRRRRRRR!!! I’m baaaaaaaaad. I’m attracted to this guy that I’m not supposed to be attracted to-why? Well let’s just say it’s forbidden. I promised myself I’d stop communicating with him because it’ll only make things complicated but yesterday I failed he texted me and I texted him back, now I’m going through that crazy phase of daydreaming about him again-I am baaaaaaaaad-somebody kill me!!! Current Mood:  melancholyCurrent Music: still "Close Your Eyes" |
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