| HOPELESS |
[09 May 2003|10:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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DEAD |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Silence by Jars of Clay |
] |
I don't know what I've done to deserve this. I've tried my best to be the best daughter to my parents and to God and this is what I get for it. I'm at my lowest point right now...I've got no one to run to...it feels as if God has left me.
It seems like I never do anything right and I only bring displeasure to the people I love. What do I need to do so that I'd be worthy of their love??? What do I need to do to please them??? I feel so hopeless right now cause God has been really silent through all these...I wonder if He's still here...it feels like He's deserted me.
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| Something More |
[08 May 2003|10:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
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music |
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Everything by Life House |
] |
So what’s new? I’m going through one of my episodes again and as always I’m falling down a bottomless pit. I don’t see anyone running to catch me; they just stare, watching me fall helplessly to my doom. I tried to act as an adult but now it seems as if people are blaming me for trying too hard.
This task is too difficult for me. I hate the thought of having to be responsible for other people. I still don’t know how I can be responsible enough for other people when I’m barely being responsible for myself. I’m too weak, I don’t have the strength to guide other people to the path they should be treading. I haven’t even found my own path, I’m afraid I’d only mislead them.
I wish I can be somewhere else, someone else. I want to be in a place where nothing is expected of me. I want to go through life, try things without the fear of what other people may think of me, without the fear of not meeting people’s expectations. I admit, running away when my world starts shaking is cowardice but is it too much to beg for peace in my life? Is it too much to ask for security and love? I believe I’ve been a good daughter, don’t I deserve a happy life? Sometimes I find it hard to understand how God gives much to people who are not even trying to please Him through their lives? Why do some bad people get more blessings while those people who have been toiling hard for Him don’t get as much blessings? I’m sorry, I know it sounds like I’m doubting God’s love for His children but when you look around you just can’t help but notice these things. Perhaps God is getting tired of my whining, I feel wretched for complaining, God has blessed me with a comfortable life but I want more. I guess I really am a bad person, ungrateful despite God’s faithfulness, but God understands, I know He understands.
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| Soaked in Blood |
[03 May 2003|11:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Man Who Sold the World by Nirvana |
] |
I don't wanna grow up. Grown ups lose that certain spark that kids have...you know that spark that floods your mind with millions of bright ideas...that spark that allows you to see the bright side in everything...that spark that makes you believe that anything is possible and that spark the always reminds you to live life joyfully. Grown ups tend to be too preoccupied with their worries in life...they worry about everything, as a result they miss out on the little wonders that are happening before their eyes. I'm thankful cause God gave me the opportunity to work with young people. I'm grateful cause my kids remind me to remain childlike: kind, trusting, hopeful, and persistent. If only grown ups would possess these qualities...this world would definitely be a better world.
The Man Who Sold The World (Nirvana)
We passed upon the stair
We spoke of was and when
Although I wasn't there
He said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise
I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone
A long long time ago
Oh no, not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With The Man Who Sold The World
I laughed and shook his hand
And made my way back home
I searched for form and land
For years and years I roamed
I gazed a gazeless stare
At all the millions here
I must have died alone (Alt: I must have died along)
A long, long time ago
(x2)
Who knows?
Not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With the Man who Sold the World
I'm struggling with a weakness. For so long I've been trying to overcome this weakness but it's quite persistent. I've prayed so hard for God to take away this weakness but it haunts me like a demon...I always fall. I feel so wretched...I feel so filthy.
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| "All I Want is You" by U2 |
[02 May 2003|11:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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All I Want is You by U2 |
] |
Well today was one of those "woe is me days". I started the day looking for someone who would be kind enough to accompany me to the mall because my vacation is about to end and I think I've only gone to the mall twice or thrice which is actually a record cause being the mall rat that I am if I tell my close friends about it they'd probably think I've been sick or there's something really wrong with me. I was counting on my baby sis cause she's also a mall rat like me...surprisingly she turned me down because she doesn't have money...i told her I'd treat her to a movie and we'd have lunch or something...still she rejected my offer. I asked my mom if she wanted to go...after she saw how my sis turned me down she told me she'd go to the mall with me...but later on she decided not to go...she went out with my dad instead...i asked them where they were going cause i'd want to tag along...they didn't tell me:( I ended up talking to my one year old nephew...i asked him whether he wanted to go to the mall with me...he said yes...well actually im not sure whether that was a yes but most probably it was a yes cause he crawled towards me begging me to carry him...oh well i just wish i could take him but that wouldn't be a good idea...i'd only be torturing myself if i decide to go to the mall accompanied by a one year old kid:( Nobody wants me:( I ended up staying in my room all day watching anything interesting on TV:(
Late this afternoon we went to my aunt's birthday party. I hate going to parties like those...they serve as venues for my mom for her talk about how irresponsible I am as a daughter and an aunt. You see I have this nephew...he's the son of my cousin...his mom works in the hospital so his aunt is usually left to babysit him. Well my mom, my grandmother and aunts were talking to the girl (the aunt)...my mom started talking about how impress she was of her patience and love for her nephew. Then she started talking about how I can't babysit my nephews and how I can't handle household chores...I was just sitting a few seats away from her. My mom has this way of bringing me down in front of other people...she always has these comments about my looks or my job or how irresponsible I am...until now I don't understand why she says those things...each time she does that she breaks my heart. She wonders why sometimes...actually most of the time I don't feel comfortable around her...we usually end up shouting at each other...so I just decide to remain silent.
Right now I feel so alone. I know this sounds pathetic but deep inside me is a very strong longing to be LOVED. When we got home from the party I turned on the TV and watched the last part of the movie "How to Make an American Quilt." I've always liked that movie cause it's all about the different stories of love of the characters in the movie who were making the quilt and the stories never fail to make me feel good...tonight my reaction was different...i didn't just swoon and sigh...I cried. I cried so hard at the part where they showed the flashback of the love stories narrated in the early part of the movie...I cried so hard because I realized the there is a great possibility that I may never have a LOVE story of my own. God knows what i've been praying for. I know I've been talking about how I want to be rich and famous and all but to tell you frankly, what I really dream of is simple life filled with love. Thats all I really want...I don't care about being rich and famous...I just want to feel love:(
I should stop here...you're all probably getting sick of my cheesy speech*sighs* Well just wish me luck...I'll be going back to work this Monday...MY Spirit is willing but my body is still on vacation...hehe!
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| I'm gonna live my life like everyday's the last (can't cry hard enough) |
[30 Apr 2003|03:11pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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Can't Cry Hard Enough |
] |
I'm nearing the final days...time passes so quickly...if only I can do something to stop time but it's beyond my control. I don't wanna go...I don't wanna go...I DON'T WANNA GO BACK TO WORK!!! I just wanna lie around, stare at the ceiling and just have my mind go blank. I wanna wake up late and sleep late. I don't want to go back to work!!!
Yesterday I met with some of my co teachers, we tried to finalize our syllabus. It's finally confirmed...this coming school year is going to be HELL for me. You see I have a new boss...nobody likes the new boss...she doesn't have any friends...she's a SAD being! Lucky me...a year ago I had the pleasure of unravelling the mystery as to why she's friendless. She was my direct supervisor then, she was handling our year level. Well she has this thing about judging people...she doesn't like a lot of people...because of reasons that are sooooooooo juvenile. One time she spoke about this certain girl that she doesn't like just because she doesn't like the girl's face...and another time she spoke about this guy who made a mistake of calling her by her nickname and she got all bitchy towards him (poor creature...the guy i mean) so it really isn't a surprise as to why nobody likes her. Well she made the mistake of bad mouthing my friends...in my presence...just imagine the nerve!!! Well she's been telling me to not hang out with people like them (my friends....grrrrrrrr) You see my friends are kinda outspoken...they're very vocal about their opinions and this usually causes them trouble...when I look back I won't deny that if I tell you the entire story you'd think I'm stupid (so i won't tell you the entire story) but I'm proud to say that I stood up for my friends. I was able to make her feel that she can't mess with me so for the next two years she didn't mess with me...but she's been waiting to get back at me...well now is her time...she's now my BOSS. *gulp* This year she's getting back at me...I just discovered that she's giving me three lesson plan preparations this school year...I'll be teaching one first year class, one special english first year class and one second year class...I have three classes for which I would have to prepare three entirely different lessons day after day after day...I've had enough problems coming up with a single lesson for all my three classes but this coming year I need to prepare for three classes??? Heaven help me!!! She doesn't play fair...it's unprofessional of her to make me suffer for something I've done to her in the pass...she's taking it personally...it's not right...but she's doing it anyway...she's the BOSS. Well let's just hope God would give me the strength I need to survive this year.
Let's go to the lighter side of life. I finally got the tan lines I've been dreaming of...hehe. Last Monday we went to the beach and it was soooooooooooo cool. At the last week of May we'll be going back to the beach...YIPEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
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| YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE |
[28 Apr 2003|01:08am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
] |
I'm still emotional today but I don't feel like talking about it cause it's just gonna spoil my excitement because WE'RE FINALLY GOING TO THE BEACH!!!! YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
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| Cathedrals (check this out by Jump Little Children) |
[27 Apr 2003|12:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
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music |
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Cathedrals |
] |
(Spent all day in church...that's why this is my title...hehe)
Had an interesting day...i witnessed my band members go against each other...had an interesting meeting with grown ups who are clueless about what they're doing and grown ups who do not trust my judgement...I sang my ass off to really high tunes and I had to comfort my friend who saw a ghost while we were having a band practice...interesting huh!?!
I'm tired but I don't want to go to sleep. I spent 8 hours in church practicing for the concert, attending meetings and practicing for tomorrow's service...I'm tired but I'm high:) One thing that really brings me joy these days is being with the youth of our church. Im the youth coordinator in our church but it's really cool cause they're not the only ones learning from me but I'm the one who has been learning a lot from them...I'm really excited about our group...I just pray that God would continually give me the strength to be strong for them cause the more time i spend with them the more a realize how big my responsibility is as their leader.
My sister and I are kinda pissed off after realizing that the leaders of our church do not trust our judgement as youth leaders. We've been planning for our fund raising concert for the past month...the entire group worked really hard in putting it together...we spent long hours planning for it...choosing the appropriate songs that we'll be performing in the show discussing the logistics and stuff now we get a memo from the council asking us to present to them all the songs we've chosen along with the lyrics out of their fear that we'd be incorporating songs that are not acceptable. It's just mind boggling...I'd understand if they'd ask us to report about the logistics and the program of the concert but I don't understand why they still have to take part in choosing the songs that we'll be performing when in fact it's our group's project...they don't know understand our target audience...they don't know the music they listen to...can't they trust our judgement??? We've been raised our Christians and we know our faith...it's a shame if they actually think that we'd do anything that would bring shame to our faith because we love our faith...we respect our church and more importantly our church...it just upsets me!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (roars loudly out of frustration) hehe!!!
On the lighter side...oh well...sort of lighter side...hehe. It's really scary...early this evening while we our band was happily practicing for tomorrow's praise and worship...we were actually goofing around...all of a sudden, our drummer who was earlier on in very playful mood all of a sudden turned white...I could see how uneasy she was and she was trying to tell me something that I couldn't understand cause we were singing and they were playing their instruments...apparently she saw a ghost at the back part of our church...it was really scary cause I saw how her expression changed...she was turned white in fear then she started crying. It was really freaky...hmmmm I guess I should end this entry cause I'm starting to get goosebumps all over...I should go to my room now...hehe! BOOOOOOO! (hehe! I'm scaring myself...hehe)
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| must be the heat |
[23 Apr 2003|10:34pm] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
] |
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music |
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Cathedrals by Jump, Little Children |
] |
Finally got the tan lines I've been wanting. Yesterday I spent the entire day at a resort a few blocks away from our house...it's not exactly how i imagined how i'd get my tan lines...i was hoping i'd get it while soaking under the sun on a beach with white sand by the the crystal blue sea...instead i got it in a kiddie pool which is 2 feet deep while watching over my two year old nephew...it was fun though...and heck i still got my tan lines...hehe! I'm looking forward to getting more defined tan lines when we go to the beach on monday...I'm soooooooo excited...I'd finally get to go to the beach!!!
Yesterday I saw "What a Girl Wants" with my sis and two of my cousins. It was a cool movie...Colin Firth was sooooooo DREAMY!!!...i want a man with a foreign accent...hehe! The movie was about a 17 year old girl who went to London to look for his real dad. The plot is not complicated...the movie is actually very simple but it struck me...really hard. In the movie there was a kid who's dreamed all her life to meet her real dad...I'm here wishing I never had a dad:( The thought of what my dad has done to my mom is just making me really weak...I no longer want to think about because each time I think about I want to die. Dad's are supposed to be perfect...oh ok...it's not possible for anyone to be perfect but they should at least try...right??? Awwww I know it's not right...I'm not perfect I know my dad would never be perfect...well I know he isn't I guess I just didn't think he'd be this flawed. My friends used to tell me how lucky I am to have a dad like my dad...he's been a perfect father...he's sacrificed a lot for us...I know he loves us, his daughters...but I think he's getting tired of my mom's issues in life. My mom's still on the drugs she's been taking for the past 6 years...her mood swings have been really unpredictable...scary even...I guess my dad's getting tired of her. Why should I be the one left in this mess???
I'm kinda heart broken right now...I suddenly had this realization that what I do as a teacher will all be in vain later on. I just realized that if you look at it what I do doesn't really matter to my students...in the end I'll be nothing but silly anecdotes during class reunions or something. I know it's selfish to expect more from what I do...I know I should just do my job...but I don't know...I guess I want to matter...I want to be recognized...I'm really pathetic...hehe...LOSER!!!
I want to elope...will somebody take me away from this place??? I want to join the circus or a travelling band...I wanna be some place else:(
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| Still Sulking |
[21 Apr 2003|11:54am] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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music |
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still "Close Your Eyes" |
] |
Idleness isn’t good for me. It just makes me think more about life and looking at how my life is doing it just makes me depressed. I should think less. I should stop what I’m doing right now cause writing down my thoughts makes me think too-hehe-well I’ll stop thinking after this entry. This sucks, I feel so un-lovable right now. I know I should stop worrying and instead I should try to keep myself busy that way I wouldn’t have time to reflect on my life-hehe- but I’ve got nothing else to do, I don’t feel like watching TV, don’t feel like reading the only thing I really want to do is sleep that way time passes by without me thinking about how pathetic I am, but too much sleep gives me headaches so that’s also not good. I guess I’d just stay in front of the computer, listen to “Close Your Eyes” over and over and over again, write down my thoughts, cry and then I’ll go to sleep when I’m tired.
I wanna go to the mall, I need to buy a battery for my cell phone, I miss my 5510 I’ll be uploading all these depressing songs into my cell phone that way I can sulk and curse my life wherever I go-hehe!
I wanna go to the beach!!! I only have two weeks left and I haven’t even seen the sea GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
I’m baaaaaaaaad. I’m attracted to this guy that I’m not supposed to be attracted to-why? Well let’s just say it’s forbidden. I promised myself I’d stop communicating with him because it’ll only make things complicated but yesterday I failed he texted me and I texted him back, now I’m going through that crazy phase of daydreaming about him again-I am baaaaaaaaad-somebody kill me!!!
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[21 Apr 2003|12:14am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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still Close Your Eyes by Jump Little Children |
] |
'Was contemplative hours ago but now I'm depressed. I'm breaking down:( I feel so pathetic...there is this strong longing within me...it's so strong it actually hurts. I feel guilty cause i'm surrounded by wonderful people and yet I still feel so alone. I guess i'm longing for that special love...that love that I can call mine. I wanna know what it's like to look into another person's eyes and just know that that person loves despite my frailties. I wanna know what it's like to wake up in the morning and just know that eventhough things may get really crappy I'm assured that I'll still be ok because there's this somebody who would bring me that feeling of security. I'm pathetic:( Sometimes I wonder whether i'd ever find this "love" that I've been talking about...a part of me is really terrified at the thought that perhaps I won't...perhaps I'm just not good enough for anything beautiful...perhaps i don't deserve love:(
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| Happy Easter! |
[20 Apr 2003|09:47pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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Close Your Eyes |
] |
Happy EASTER!!!
Spend the weekend in the country side. Our church had our now yearly family retreat. It was fun...right now I find joy in hanging out with the young people of our church...they make me feel young:) hehe! Actually it's kinda weird...lately I've been hanging out with people who are 5-9 years younger than me...hmmm...I'm just wondering how I'm able to get along really well with these kids...it's either they're really matured for their age or I'm a retard...lol! I think I have the natural ability to deal with teenagers, they feel comfortable around me. I guess this is a God given ability and I'm glad that God's actually using me in ministering to these kids.
I'm in a contemplative mood right now. I guess it goes along with the Easter Spirit:) I've been thinking...I wondering how my life is going to turn out. I'm starting to panic...people my age are supposed to start putting everything in their lives in place...I'm afraid I'm all messed up right now. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know where I want to be...I feel so hopeless. I desperately need guidance right now. I've been busy trying to lead young people to the "right" path...I' don't know how I'd be able to do that when I haven't even found that "right" path. Blah! I feel tired sometimes...I wish someone would just take care of me:(
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| good day |
[14 Apr 2003|11:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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artistic also |
] |
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music |
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All I Want is You by U2 |
] |
I enjoyed this day:) We had lunch at an all-you-can-eat buffet japanese restaurant...my family totally adores japanese food so you can just imagine how happy we were stuffing our face with sushi and sashimi. After that my two favorite cousins Brian and Erika went to our house to hang out. Brian brought his new guitar and we jammed until 10 in the evening...Erika and I drew flowers and faeries on my bed...I'm planning on filling my bed up with drawings of flowers and faeries:) Feeling really artistic today...I think it's the sushi...hehe:)
My best friend sent me a text message on my phone this morning...in my last entry wrote about this guy who offered me an all expense paid trip to texas...well i met this guy on the net three years ago...we became good friends but after a year we became more than friends...i think...hehe...well he's been my confidante...he knows everything about me. He's been asking me to go visit him in texas but I've been too scared to actually accept his invitation eventhough I'm dying to get out of here...hehe...well the other night he offered it again, he knows I'm going through some tough time...I've been whining about how I'm getting tired of taking care of other people...well now he's asking me to give him a chance to take care of me....sweet huh...the sweetest thing actually...but I'm still scared...so I asked for advice from my best friend. She came up with an idea...she said she'd be willing to go with me so that it'd be more safe...I was really touched when she said that...I'm really blessed to have her as my friend...well now the only problem I'm left with is how to tell my parents about the trip...I'd have to tell them the truth...that's the only way I can do this...but I really don't know how to do it:( will somebody help me???
Remember the kid I was talking about in my past entry(the one I'm attracted to...hehe) well he sent me a message this morning...we started talking...*giggles* well nothing really...I just thought I'd write this down...hehe.
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[13 Apr 2003|10:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lonely |
] |
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music |
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Somewhere Out There (Our Lady Peace) |
] |
I'm not speaking as a teacher here...I'm speaking as a bum who does nothing but eat, sleep and watch TV...I'm on my summer vacation right now and I feel really guilty for having the kind of life that I have right now...hehe...I promise to be more productive next week...well I'll try:)
Things here at home are really crazy. I feel really awful cause I'm caught in the middle of things. I know I used to complain about having a very predictable and boring life so now God really shook things up...well actually he didn't just shake things up, he turned my world upside down...threw it around a couple of times perhaps and dipped it in cow crap...my world's a mess. My two sisters and my mom have been fighting for the past few days...my younger sister's pissed with my elder sister and vice versa....younger sis asked for mum's help ended up being reprimanded by mum...now she thinks mum hates her...mum thinks younger sister hates her...BLAH!!!! This morning I went to church alone just because they were all burning with hatred in their hearts...then I felt really awful for appearing all perfect and fine when in fact I've also burning with hatred in my heart since I discovered that my dad's having an affair with my god mother. He doesn't know I know...I know I should confront him tell him that I know but i'm really scared. I wouldn't want to listen to him explain things to me...I may have to face things that I can't deal with right now...it would make me more miserable...but I know I should talk to him about it before he sinks deeper into the hole he's been digging for himself.
CAN SOMEBODY TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS PLACE???
...well actually somebody offered me an all expense paid escape to texas but I'm too scared to actually accept the offer. I'm hopeless...I guess I'll never be able to leave this hell hole I'm in right now. I'm just thankful cause this hell hole isn't really that much of hell...it's really strange cause come to think of it I think I'm actually handling things well. I guess I've finally accepted that life sucks sometimes and all you have to do is wait for it to stop being sucky (is there such a word???)
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| babble |
[29 Mar 2003|11:24pm] |
School's finally over! Tomorrow's our graduation day and I'm so excited to go on my one month vacation. At this moment I really can't specify what I'm feeling...part of me is really excited and relieved because finally I'd get to loaf but part of me is really insecure cause I bought this really gorgeous dress for the graduation tomorrow but I doubt if it'd still look gorgeous on me...part of me is happy and part of me is depressed...this life is tiring:( I'm probably not making sense:(
Right now things are really strange...before our year end sessions ended the weirdest thing happened...I was voted as the secretary of our faculty club. man i don't know if they were really serious in giving me that position...man i don't even know how to organize my own stuff how the heck would I be able to organize other people's lives??? man i don't know what'd happen to me....well i'll try look at it at the bright side...i didn't think people liked me at work but the mere fact that i had a landslide victory over the people i was runnning against shows that they actually see me as somebody who can handle that position...COOL!
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| I'm in love |
[22 Mar 2003|05:05pm] |
Yesterday I had a hand in breaking my some of my students' hearts. We had our deliberations...we decided as to who would pass, who would take summer classes and who would have to go and look for another school. As a subject teacher you'd have a very easy time judging students...but being a class moderator the entire process of making a decision that would greatly affect the future of my kids is heart wrenching. Imagine, I had 17 students who had failing marks at the end of the school year only one of them was spared from taking the summer, 15 are required to take summer classes and one student will be asked to leave the school. What makes this worse is that I've witnessed how my boys worked their butts off just to pass all their subjects...it's just sad to know that it was not enough:( Sometimes I wonder are grades really valid measurements of what students learn in school?
***
One reason why I didn't want to become a teacher because ever since I was a kid the people around have always had this notion that teachers never marry. PEople say that teachers fall in love with their students that's why they tend to forget about themselves and it's usually too late before they find out that they've missed out on a lot of things in life. They say teachers grow old alone. Who would want to become a teacher with that kind of impression??? I'm starting to get scared because with the way things are going now in my life it looks like everything they've been saying is actually true. In my first year of teaching I told everyone that teaching is just going to be a temporary thing for me...I figured it'd be a good way to earn money...but I don't know what happened between then and now...right now I get this really unexplainable pleasurable feeling of fulfillment in what I'm doing. I've fallen in love with my students:(
***
I badly need a boyfriend! I spend most of my life at work...it's kinda ironic I'm surrounded by boys howcome I don't have a boyfriend...hehe...the answer is easy...I won't be finding my boyfriend at my work place because the boys around me are 9-10 years younger than I am!!! I feel so wretched sometimes...since their is a scarcity of boys my age in my work place I sometimes find myself being attracted to some of my students...it's pathetic really...and very dangerous...I can go to jail for this but man...can you blame me??? There are some guys in the faculty who are around my age but it's kinda sad that sometimes i meet students who are a lot younger these guys but are more matured than these co teachers of mine...man it really sucks!
I have a dream student. He's not really good looking but he's very intelligent. Whenever he speaks people really listen to him...sometimes I think he's more matured than I am. There was one time when I was in panic and he was the one acted like an adult...he calmed me down and told me that everything is going to be fine...he's 9 years younger than me but he has the mind of a guy who's 9 years older than me. We spoke once about his love life and he told me that he no longer wants to fall in love because he knows that he'll only get hurt...I don't know what happened to him that made him say that. It's sad...girls his age don't see the gold mine in him. You know what makes it more sad... girls like me spend their whole lives looking for gold mines like him. I envy the girl who'll win his heart.
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| "Am I living it right?" |
[20 Mar 2003|03:58pm] |
All the worries about war and death has got me thinking...am I living my life the way I should live it...am I making a difference in this world...am I just this insignificant speck of dust in this face of the earth? That was a lot of questions I know but I'm really wondering...if I die today would I be able to say that I've lived my life well?
For the past years I've been obssessed with this delusional thought that someday I'd be someone great...someone famous...a pop icon like Britney Spears perhaps or a singer/songwriter like Sheryl Crow....or maybe a witty writer like Jessica Zafra or an angsty poet like Emily Dickinson...I have all these dreams of greatness, no wonder I'm depressive cause looking at the rate I'm working towards this greatness it looks like the fulfillment of my dreams won't happen in this lifetime. I'm turning 25 this year...I'm a quarter of a century old and yet sometimes I feel as if I haven't really lived my life yet. Am I living this life right? If not, when and how will I start living?
I've been teaching for three years now. I've had around 350 students and I wonder...did they learn anything from me? I think the answer to this question is the basis of the answer to the previous question I brought up. I'm thinking...if only a quarter of my students would come up to me and tell me that I've made a difference in their lives and somehow I've taught them a lesson or two that's when I can finally say that I'm living my life right. IT'd mean that everything I've been working for is actually worth something. Am I making sense? Well now that the war has begun I think at a time like this making sense isn't really that important anymore...hehe.
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| The Pain is Back |
[19 Mar 2003|04:49pm] |
Ever since I was a kid I've always wanted to be a lawyer. For as far as I can remember whenever people ask what I'd want to be when I grow up I'd say "lawyer" without thinking. Everything I did was geared towards the fulfillment of that goal, then my last year in college came. My dad was driving me to school, I was half asleep as I always was each morning I go to school...he dropped the bomb. "Are you sure you want to be a lawyer?...I don't think you'd make a good lawyer" my blood rushed through my head when i heard my dad saying those words. I felt so betrayed, the one person who inspired me to pursue law is telling me that I'm not good enough for that career...I would have preferred if he decided to just stick a dagger into my heart that way he would have spared me from the pain I felt when he said those words. After that I became a teacher...hehe!
I never thought I'd become a teacher. I've always hated being in school, I remember when I was young, whenever I go to school I'd always feel this unexplainable pain in my tummy. At first, I thought it was just because I didn't want to go to school but I noticed that even on days when we would just pass by my school I'd still feel that pain in my stomach. THe thought of being in school had always been frightening for me....I really don't know what possessed me to go into this profession which requires me to go to school everyday.
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| The Teacher is in! |
[19 Mar 2003|12:01am] |
The school year just ended...I'm almost done with my work and I couldn't find anything to do so I decided to start an online journal.
Why did I put up this journal...well I should say that I'm an exhibitionist. Somehow I'm really obssessed with the thought of baring my soul to everyone. I may seem really shy and lacking confidence but deep inside of me there's a voice screaming for attention and besides I thought this would be cathartic for me. There will be days when I would really hate the world...this journal can be my sounding board:) Oh well I'm probably boring people to death by now with my babbling so I'd get this on.
What would be in this journal...I was thinking about coming up with a journal solely about my life as a teacher....whoooopeeee...how exciting! Who would want to hear about the life of a teacher...I guess nobody...but as a teacher let me assure you the teachers have the most interesting stories to tell...just imagine what it's like to encounter 100+ students....coming from different backgrounds...with totally different personalities...each with his own wants and needs...just imagine what kind of balancing act teachers do just to make sure that everyone of these student's needs are fulfilled. I know I'm a STAR in my own way...lol...my students are my audience and the classroom is my stage...each day I perform...so world watch me:)
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