||[12 Jan 2004|08:32pm]
the past couple days have been way awesome. mike brought over the trailer to the skate video they are making. i have seen that trailer like a billion times, but it is a lot better then it was last time i saw it. so they are trying.
saw Boosh at borders. thats always a plus. i miss him dearly.
i wish i could get a god damn background to work on this thing. no matter what, it doesnt seem to work, same with my live journal. maybe i am just a dunce. i rather highly doubt that.
so josh. josh is um... very great. me and all that grammar.
i think i may fuck up whatever happens though. either through moving too fast, which i dont want to do, or not acting at all. which i would very much like to do, but at this point in my life, is that what i want? i wish i knew what i wanted. sometimes i can be such a girl. which i hate.
my nose is KILLING me. god, i'm emo. i was elbowed in the nose by a miss jaime. yeah... HER. damn nabbit.
mike is a little concerned about the existence of josh...
but i have never met someone like him before, someone i connect with so well... yeah, he can be a little loud. ok, a lot of loud, but i used to be that way too. it apparently annoyed jaime, i think i was just too tired.
josh would treat me very well. and thats what i deserve. he is such a good guy, and a gentleman at that... but i'm still young... i dont know if i am ready to fall in love, because i can definitely see myself loving josh. he is everything i have been looking for... but i really dont think i am ready to make that move. i want to be friends first. i have never done that. i always rush into things so quickly. and they always some how end up getting ruined. and so because of that, i am a little weary of who i let into my life. i let quite a few gaurds down with mr. josh. i have never met a true sweetheart before. not since i have been home from new york. but something about him, he really doesn't act like he likes me. he does sweet things, but i dunno. maybe this is all in my head, and all he wants is like... a good fuck or something, hence the buying of dinners. i wish i could read men. they are just as difficult as women. for all i know, i could be making this into a bigger deal than what it really is.
i guess the only thing i can really do is sit here and drink out of my 2 liter of pepsi. Diet pepsi to be exact. i am too much of a winner for most of you.
i think i am having major self esteem issues. when jaime elbowed me last night, it made me cry, yes it hurt really fucking bad, but after the pain subsided, i could not stop, and she didnt know what to think. she asked if it was the pain, and i said 'no'. and she knew. she knows that i think i am hideous. that i hate the size of me. which i know has to do with my eating habits. i eat like a hog! i dont look fat, well morbidly obese... but i am not happy with myself. and it's my fault. i used to work out at the gym quite a bit, but you know... i fell off the wagon.
there are so many instances in my life where i can remember what is was like to be unappreciated. from when i was 18 months old and getting kicked off of decks, to earlier this week, involving Mike. i have been taken for granted so many times in my life, that maybe there really is no point in trying to make members of the opposite sex, happy. because it's not worth it. the pain, the heart ache. so why do i long for love so badly? because, it is the hardest emotion to understand. you see people killing for love, you see people wanting to die, for love. you see people surrounding themselves in this longing, this longing to have someone near. no matter what this person would do to them, or say to them... people become so unaware of their surroundings when there is love involved. they forget about what really matters... i dont even know what really matters to me anymore. i was replaced by brittany, so i never see jake anymore. i never get to see my boosh, and dont get me wrong at all, i am so happy for him. he is so happy, and in love, that it amazes me. i want that. i want what he has... but i know if i had it, it would end in a heart beat. sucks. i have no faith in love anymore. because i have gotten the rotten end of it, always. even lately.
i really dont know what i am ranting and raving about. i am not depressed. just a little disappointed with the way things are going in my life. and the way they are not. still sucking down the D.Pepsi... i am definitly too cool for most.
how much do i love the idea of making sketti at 3:30 am? i really do love it. happiness all around.
we ordered pizza, and for some reason i could only eat like 2 slices. does ANYONE know me?
oh wait, no, thats why i write on here, because no one i know, uses blurty. they are all sluts for livejournal. thanks for the new lingo josh.
so i applied for a phone sex operator position. i work from home. 4 hours a day, a nice little part time job indeed. but how to tell people what i do?
"HEY! guess what i do for a living?"
"i fuck your dad over the phone!"
yeah. real winner. but hey, i think it may be sorta fun. jaime said that if i like it, she will try it out. no harm in that... i can be sexy... when you arent looking at me.
i think Izzy (sgt. scruffy) is blind in one eye. it's all cloudy. suh weet.
jaime and i went to look at an INCREDIBLE apartment today, for all of those who ove the harmon lofts, wait until you see this penthouse. it is magnificent. oh my gawd. words cant describe it.
for some reason, i am a little unhappy right now. dont ask why. it could be the fact that i have done absoluelty NOTHING with my life. where as my pal daniel, he is 28 now, when he was 19, he didnt give a fuck. he didnt stay in high school, and he decided to hitch hike all over the country. and what am i doing? sitting here on a fucking ONLINE journal, instead of drawing, sketching, looking for work, anything. i am doing nothing. and i am so unhappy about it. i think that sitting alone at home is making me think too much and too often, which i know isnt a too bad of thing, but it is just... pathetic.
i am 19 years ols. i am more mature than some. but cant even compare to others. i want to be something special for some reason. i will not be happy with being mediocre. never. i want to be the best, and i obviously think that sitting on my ass will get me there.
absolutely stunning as a matter of fact.
i get to see mike tomorrow, since it is his day off. and he is trying to make up for a lot. which i like. i deserve it. he has been treating me like an asshole lately. i am too good to men. the ones i date and what not... like with chris, and gus... i was so amazing to.
lets see, i dont think there was a time that i have ever been single after 8th grade...
Daryl W. - July 1999-November 2000
Matt P. - December 2000-Febraury 2001
Matt P. - April 2001-June 2001
Matt J. - July 2001-February 2003
Jeremy H. February (2-3weeks)
Chris F. - February 2003-June 2003
Gustav IV - July 2003-Septrember 2003
Joshua - One Night in August 2003 (mistake/regret)
Dane - September 2003-October 2003
Mike - October 2003-who knows
what am i doing. none of you guys care. and thats fine. i lie a lot too. well i have lied to a few certain people, and i regret it. one or 2 in particular. maybe i am just a believer in love too often.
i have only truly loved 2 of those people, but i still deeply care for Gus still. i miss him as a friend, and we both know that the couple thing wasnt for us, due to him, liking men and all.
i think i will make another list:
Daryl: we still talk occasionally online, and the seldom few times that we actually will go and hang out
Matt P: We left on bad terms, and my friend, Liz, threw a grape at him, and he threatened to kill us.
Matt P.: He joined the air force or marines. i would really like to get ahold of him.
Matt j. : Still living in New York. Still the bestest friend i could ever ask for. we talk almost every other day.
Chris : He cheated on me, so we dont get along too well.
Gus: such an amazing guy. we just werent right for each other. I lack a penis.
Dane: dated for a little while. really great guy. still occasionally have lunch with him, and enjoy him.
Mike: the greatest guy to probably enter my life. i am a sucker for love, and for him. not too sure what is going on with us though. not sure what we are. he really doesnt deserve me though, and he knows it.
bah. i am going to go jack off.