Sarah's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Sarah

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[22 Jul 2004|12:56am]
just updating for the hell of it.

so what is everyone up to?
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311 is bitchin' [05 Apr 2004|02:10pm]
[ mood | cranky ]
[ music | 311 - amber ]

for some reason, i totally forgot all about this journal.
well i live in the B-Ham now, and i rather like it. it will take some getting used to though. i get home sick, really quickly.
i am 200 miles from everything i know, andi live with a scuzz.
maybe he will grow on me? who knows really.
i am a teen who is pretty lost.
but i know what i want to do with my life now!
film film film!

let me know what you think?

1 thumbs up Thumbs up or down?

cake or death? [03 Feb 2004|03:08am]
-1- How long have we been friends?
-2- What did you think when we first met?
-3- Did you ever think about us in a different "light"?
-4- What could you make of our friendship?
-5- Do you see us being friends for a long time after now?
-6- If so, How long?
-7- How close do you think we are?
-8- Would you consider us best of friends?
-9- On a scale from 1-10 how is our bond/trust?
-10- How well do you know me?
-11- How well do I know you?
-12- What sayings and/or things do we have together?
-13- What is the thing that you love most about me?
-14- What do you hate most about me?
-15- Do you see any kind of future with us?
-16- What's the biggest thing you've ever told me?
-17- Do you ever talk bad about me...to your friends?
-18- What is so special about me that makes you want to be friends with me?
-19- Am I annoying? If so what is it?
-20- Will you always care for me no matter what?











be honest assholes. por favor?
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the HATE [27 Jan 2004|03:10am]
what have i done?

i think i lost someone that i cared for more than i thought i did.




why am i selfish? naive? confused?
but am i really any of those things?

no one knows me, except for a couple. they are what matters... though i havent seen either of them in a few months.

i need some sleep. it has been a while, and i work at noon.


i am more depressed than i have been since June. june god damnit.


you both mean so much to me.




mike and i are better off. i just have to keep thinking that. its true, i know it is. i am just going to miss him. in THAT way. he is the most attractive male that has ever shown interest in me. and if he doesnt want me.. who will?

i know it is silly for me to think like that right now. but it is how i feel.

that girl is so lucky... so very lucky... indeed.





he didnt think that my number was very high. but i think it is. very high indeed.


i need help. i need to not be alone in the loft all the time. that gives me more time to think. i hate it.



who wants to set me free?
anyone?


sorry for being emo. i am the HATE.
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All about Heidi and more.... [25 Jan 2004|04:18pm]
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | flogging molly - swagger ]

ok, so a few of you are having a hard time believing that i am a phone sex operator. or a few of you had no idea.

well it's true. sarah clams as we know her, is a phone sex operator. i work 4 hours a day, mainly 8pm to midnight, and i make 14 dollars an hour doing so. i log into an 1-888 number, and i give them my ID number. i sit there quietly, until an automated voice comes on, and says either, "Barely Legal" "Anything goes, make it long" "Black" "Domination" "TVTS" or "Teen Domination"

Barely Legal: my name is Heidi, I am 5'4'', blonde hair, green eyes, 110 lbs, 32B (but remember, I am still young, so I am still growing), a few freckles on my face. I go to an all girl catholic school, and i am alos captain of the cheerleading squad (which to me doesnt make sense as to why an all girl school has a football team, but it's their fantasy) and I also play tennis. I still live at home with my parents, and i am still in High School.

Anything Goes: I'm still Heidi, but i am 5'6'', and 130lbs, 25 years old, with 34C breasts. This is the line where the weirdo's come on. they want you to pretend they are your mothers, they want you to be their sisters, they want you to be a 12 year old neighbor that they have, they want anything, hense the name, anything goes. (my monitor Cindy once had a guy come on and ask her to be a dolphin. A DOLPHIN!! imagine a guy wackin off to old flipper reruns... ut whatever gets you off)

Black: i am charlotte, a mahogony colored skin female, 240 lbs, 42DD... but follows the same lines of anything goes.

Domination: the guy calls, wanting to be dominated. He is my slave and I tell him what to do. a lot of guys call to be 'forced' to suck cock. or they want to be humiliated. this is the hardest one for me, because i dont have a domanearing personality.

tvts: i am a transvestite/transexual, which means i have a penis. yes indeed. a penis, but i use my normal voice, and i ask questions, such as, "have you ever been with a special lady like me?" it's hard for me too, because i dont know what it is like to have a penis.

teen domination: i follow the barely legal schtick, but the man is my sex slave, i am just 18 while i do it.

so that is my life. i get about 30-40 calls in a 4 hour time frame. and i get paid bonuses if I keep a guy on for 40 minutes. which i do about 4 times a night.

so what do you all think?

honest opinions please.

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chris frieboth is masturbating in my house!!! [24 Jan 2004|04:28pm]
today was... intersting.
i cant spell.

anywho...
things were um... ok i suppose. i worked for 4 hours tonight, like 8 to midnight. was pretty different from other nights.
chris freiboth came over and spent the whole day with me and jaime. it was nice. josh came over after work too, and we all went out to dinner to applebee's to see our favorite waiter man, Matt. twasa nice. and here we are, 2:30 in the morning, and chris is lying in the middle of the living room floor, and slowly scooting towards me, seductively, haha. and josh is sitting here next to me, and we are loving it. well i am. i had to work with these fuckers here too.

i think chris thought it was weird. he says i am good at it too. which i suppose is a compliment. it's nice to know that i have a fan.

I missed chris so much. it was nice to hear from him, and to hang out with him today. we all went to jack in the box at 2 in the morning. it was fun times. chris is stil the coolest ever. besides me, and josh and some other people.

i am wearing the chris frieboth beanie! i feel extra cool now. indeed. he is still so very funny. he will be here every night if jaime and i have anything to do with it.


i got like 30 guys off tonight. it was good. a good night it was...


chris is telling me about how he masturbates... it's pretty hot. haha. all the guys telling me about masturbation.

how much do i love chris and josh right now?
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[23 Jan 2004|01:46am]
when will the person who wants to hold me at 2am come into my life?


i need someone... anyone out there want to hug a chubby girl all night long?
-no?


thought so...









why am i so emo lately? i want love... and where can a girl like me find it?

not here, sitting alone in her new loft at 2am.



i think i will take a walk...


safety level=low... very low
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[23 Jan 2004|01:26am]
one more day in the life of a hungry clam...

an hour and thirty eight minutes into it, and already i am crying...
how much do i hate mary...

audience replies... "with 58% of your heart?"

-correct-


*gold star to everyone who participated*
Thumbs up or down?

no ball no chain no prison can keep [23 Jan 2004|01:02am]
flogging molly is sad, and i love it.

they make me moist i believe.

jaime is having sex right now, with a woman i hate... and i hate it. i hate hearing it, i hate a lot i guess...

man oh man. i am an angsty teen. i hate how mary makes her laugh, when jaime is nothing more than a fuck to her. mary isnt going to leave julie, ever, and i hate how mary fucks with jaime's head... and there is nothing i can do about it, but sit and listen to it, because jaime is her own person, and who am i anyway? some 19 year old hussy...

man oh man. angst away my lass...
there was a lot going on in the complex it seems... this evening anyway... all the tenants seemed to be really fucking loud for some reason... i am so hungry.
what am i ?
who am i going to end up being? i know nothing about myself anymore... nothing at all... but maybe that has something to do with the fact that maybe i am not supposed to know that much... i dunno. i don't want to feel lonely, and no matter the amount of affection i get from people, men, whomever... i always want more. ALWAYS. i never did with matt though. he was the love of my life... flowers, poems, just always there for me... and josh is the same... the exact same... but we aren't dating... are we? i dunno. i dunno what i want. i dunno if dating him would be the best idea... or if not dating him would... what do i need? i don't want to think that i need a guy to make me happy... even though saying that is totally against what i believe. i believe that love makes the world go round... as cheesy and untrue as it sounds... i believe it...
i dont believe it is orgasms with random people... not at all...

i want love. plain and simple... but i dont want to have it with someone that i could never hurt...
maybe thats why i am taking things so slowly with josh, because i know i will hurt him. i know in my heart that i will eventually break his... and it tears me up inside... it reallly does... i could be totally wrong, he could be the love of my life... becasue believe me, i want to love him so badly, i want a love that would last, and his would be it, but i cant do that to him, at all...

i'm afraid of what i already feel for him... i dont know why... maybe i am just too hungry... i think thats what it is. i love to eat, and i havent yet at all today...
wait, no, i had yucky uncooked steak, and some green beans... crap on that once for me. seriously. i need some food.

who loves me enough to take to go get some food?
anyone out there?


... guess not...

i want what they're eating... *points to jaime's room*

wait, no i forgot... loveless sex doesnt exist to me...






even if it IS oral...

i am a shmuck for love i suppose...

i hate me.


-fin-
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CLAM CALM CLAM CALM [19 Jan 2004|01:17pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | i picked Calm, cuz it looks like CLAM! ]

i haven't been doing anything lately, except sit back and wonder. wonder why i have treated people the way i have, why i treat people the way i do now. how unconvincing my lies were, and how convincing my truths are now. i am not who i used to be, and i always thought i was going to be the same. i think everyone does. i thought: "Man, oh man. i am going to love KORN forever, and I am ALWAYS going to be a rocker girl, blakuh blakuh blakuh." But, nope. i am this emo girl, who worries too much now. i am stressed about most things, and it bothers me. the person i became is a little bothersome to me. i know it isn't to other people. and i know that i make a few people happy once in a while. i dunno. i don't know what i am really talking about.
i wish i could read people a little better. i know that i am not easy to read, or anything, so i don't expect people to know me like a book of some sort. i just want the ability to know everything about everyone else. haha. man i am a mess lately. there is so much you can tell about someone through their eyes... even through my own eyes. not about someone else, but about me. i dunno. i can look into a mirror, and just stare myself in the eyes... and think a thought, then i can close my eyes, and think of a new emotion or idea, and look at my self and see a whole other person looking back at me. it's crazy. and i wish i could read other people. i do so very much. i have a sense of telepathy, and i never know when it will kick in. i am making NO sense WHATSOEVER.
so someone has a crush on me, if you keep up in my daily journal. i am curious as to who it is. i mean, (i say 'i mean' a lot) who would like me? who at all? i am not very spiffy. not spiffy at all. i believe i am pretty unattractive. i have never been able to make someone happier than shit before.


i will continue the ramblings later, i am on my way to red robin... FUCK YEAH!

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theeere fooooor me.... [18 Jan 2004|01:18pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | deviates - there for me ]

so, what have i been up to?

i broke it off with mike. i had to. i still care about him so m uch, but he just wasn't right for me. well, maybe he was... but it's the fact that he is so young, and i want what a 19 year old can't give me. especially a 19 year old doing the 9 hours a day at school thing, followed by the 8 hours at work thing. plus he needs his sleep too... and i just couldn't cause anymore stress to this poor kid.
i think i regret it, but thats only because i am feeling a little lonely. a lot of lonely, and i know i shouldn't. i have josh, who is so utterly amazing in every aspect... and then there is jaime... who i love dearly...

sheesh. i wish life was a little easier. but then again, life is supposed to be full of obstacles right? thats what makes us human. i want ot see a movie tonight. anyone with me?

preferrably ELF at the cheap theatre. just because it is set in NY. and i am a fan.

i miss josh.






dearly...

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come on beast man, take your furry fur off... [17 Jan 2004|02:12pm]
we signed the lease to our apartment yesterday and the manager gave us the keys 2 weeks early, so what did we do? we took all the boxes we have already had packed and moved them in. we were at the apartment until about 2 am. craziness. i know. it was so perfect though. i was deciding on where i will put my bed, and my posters, and everything. i know, i can be such a girl sometimes. i have to call quest today to set up a phone line. i think i will do that now. makes sense right? right.

i faxed in all of my ID and info to start my phone sex job. i am a little excited about it, let me tell you son... but all in all i think it will be a fun experience, and if i hate it, then i will quit. i'll have to. but i can sit on my ass at home, and jerk guys off with my voice, while playing TMNT on X-Box.

sweet deal.

joshmuthafuckinbenson is the greatest ever. but i am still reigning as the coolest ever.

sarahmuthafuckinclams...

that doesnt have a very good roll off the tongue feel to it. not at all.

guacafuckingmole.

heehahah i am tre cool.

adios
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why.. why'd you have to kick me when i'm high?? [14 Jan 2004|12:52am]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | propaghandi ]

being sweet is not in my genes i guess.

i have something to look forward to now.
the lease to our apartment, and if we get aproved or not. excitement all around.
i am in a bind. why is it that when mike is faced with competition, he finally decides to be fairly sweet? why? what was so wrong with me before that he couldn't express himself? i want someone to have and to hold whenever i need them. i understand he is in school. i am not that type of girl to make him lose out on education. i am not a dick. but he has done nothing wrong. he would never yell at me. never ever hit me. and never ever cheat on me. he just has things to work out. what is it about me, that i feel that i cant be happy. why do i do this to myself? all i hear is how he isnt right for me, but alli see from him is the fact that he is trying so damn hard... for being away at school and work for 14 hours a day, it isnt easy for either of us. but he wants me. even though he cant give me what I need. and he knows it. one thing i know is, the fact that when i see him, i get somewhat down. i feel that i always have to look beautiful, and can't have a mood swing every once in a while. I feel that he judges me. i dont know if that's good or bad. i don't. it has only been about 3 months, which isn't a long time at all, but i have a real attatchment to him. the sad thing is, that i know Josh will be there for me no matter what. as a friend, as a boyfriend.. which ever. where as if i were to leave mike, we wouldnt be friends. he would let us lose touch, and i dont think i can picture my life without him in it, and even josh. i dont want to picture my life withut him. josh is definitely someone with their head on their shoulders. and i love that about him. i care for him so much...
wednesday i get to see him and that should be fun.

thursday mike is coming over. we are going to watch once upona time in mexico. i think.



enough about boys.
i need to make this journal about no boys and about my own life. i need to stop thinking that i cant live without a man in my life.


it's hard to type lying down.

5 thumbs up Thumbs up or down?

who knows... [12 Jan 2004|08:32pm]
the past couple days have been way awesome. mike brought over the trailer to the skate video they are making. i have seen that trailer like a billion times, but it is a lot better then it was last time i saw it. so they are trying.

saw Boosh at borders. thats always a plus. i miss him dearly.

i wish i could get a god damn background to work on this thing. no matter what, it doesnt seem to work, same with my live journal. maybe i am just a dunce. i rather highly doubt that.

so josh. josh is um... very great. me and all that grammar.
i think i may fuck up whatever happens though. either through moving too fast, which i dont want to do, or not acting at all. which i would very much like to do, but at this point in my life, is that what i want? i wish i knew what i wanted. sometimes i can be such a girl. which i hate.

my nose is KILLING me. god, i'm emo. i was elbowed in the nose by a miss jaime. yeah... HER. damn nabbit.
mike is a little concerned about the existence of josh...
but i have never met someone like him before, someone i connect with so well... yeah, he can be a little loud. ok, a lot of loud, but i used to be that way too. it apparently annoyed jaime, i think i was just too tired.
josh would treat me very well. and thats what i deserve. he is such a good guy, and a gentleman at that... but i'm still young... i dont know if i am ready to fall in love, because i can definitely see myself loving josh. he is everything i have been looking for... but i really dont think i am ready to make that move. i want to be friends first. i have never done that. i always rush into things so quickly. and they always some how end up getting ruined. and so because of that, i am a little weary of who i let into my life. i let quite a few gaurds down with mr. josh. i have never met a true sweetheart before. not since i have been home from new york. but something about him, he really doesn't act like he likes me. he does sweet things, but i dunno. maybe this is all in my head, and all he wants is like... a good fuck or something, hence the buying of dinners. i wish i could read men. they are just as difficult as women. for all i know, i could be making this into a bigger deal than what it really is.
i guess the only thing i can really do is sit here and drink out of my 2 liter of pepsi. Diet pepsi to be exact. i am too much of a winner for most of you.

i think i am having major self esteem issues. when jaime elbowed me last night, it made me cry, yes it hurt really fucking bad, but after the pain subsided, i could not stop, and she didnt know what to think. she asked if it was the pain, and i said 'no'. and she knew. she knows that i think i am hideous. that i hate the size of me. which i know has to do with my eating habits. i eat like a hog! i dont look fat, well morbidly obese... but i am not happy with myself. and it's my fault. i used to work out at the gym quite a bit, but you know... i fell off the wagon.

there are so many instances in my life where i can remember what is was like to be unappreciated. from when i was 18 months old and getting kicked off of decks, to earlier this week, involving Mike. i have been taken for granted so many times in my life, that maybe there really is no point in trying to make members of the opposite sex, happy. because it's not worth it. the pain, the heart ache. so why do i long for love so badly? because, it is the hardest emotion to understand. you see people killing for love, you see people wanting to die, for love. you see people surrounding themselves in this longing, this longing to have someone near. no matter what this person would do to them, or say to them... people become so unaware of their surroundings when there is love involved. they forget about what really matters... i dont even know what really matters to me anymore. i was replaced by brittany, so i never see jake anymore. i never get to see my boosh, and dont get me wrong at all, i am so happy for him. he is so happy, and in love, that it amazes me. i want that. i want what he has... but i know if i had it, it would end in a heart beat. sucks. i have no faith in love anymore. because i have gotten the rotten end of it, always. even lately.

i really dont know what i am ranting and raving about. i am not depressed. just a little disappointed with the way things are going in my life. and the way they are not. still sucking down the D.Pepsi... i am definitly too cool for most.

how much do i love the idea of making sketti at 3:30 am? i really do love it. happiness all around.
we ordered pizza, and for some reason i could only eat like 2 slices. does ANYONE know me?
oh wait, no, thats why i write on here, because no one i know, uses blurty. they are all sluts for livejournal. thanks for the new lingo josh.
so i applied for a phone sex operator position. i work from home. 4 hours a day, a nice little part time job indeed. but how to tell people what i do?
"HEY! guess what i do for a living?"
'...what?'
"i fuck your dad over the phone!"

yeah. real winner. but hey, i think it may be sorta fun. jaime said that if i like it, she will try it out. no harm in that... i can be sexy... when you arent looking at me.

i think Izzy (sgt. scruffy) is blind in one eye. it's all cloudy. suh weet.

jaime and i went to look at an INCREDIBLE apartment today, for all of those who ove the harmon lofts, wait until you see this penthouse. it is magnificent. oh my gawd. words cant describe it.

for some reason, i am a little unhappy right now. dont ask why. it could be the fact that i have done absoluelty NOTHING with my life. where as my pal daniel, he is 28 now, when he was 19, he didnt give a fuck. he didnt stay in high school, and he decided to hitch hike all over the country. and what am i doing? sitting here on a fucking ONLINE journal, instead of drawing, sketching, looking for work, anything. i am doing nothing. and i am so unhappy about it. i think that sitting alone at home is making me think too much and too often, which i know isnt a too bad of thing, but it is just... pathetic.

i am 19 years ols. i am more mature than some. but cant even compare to others. i want to be something special for some reason. i will not be happy with being mediocre. never. i want to be the best, and i obviously think that sitting on my ass will get me there.
fabulous.

absolutely stunning as a matter of fact.

i get to see mike tomorrow, since it is his day off. and he is trying to make up for a lot. which i like. i deserve it. he has been treating me like an asshole lately. i am too good to men. the ones i date and what not... like with chris, and gus... i was so amazing to.

lets see, i dont think there was a time that i have ever been single after 8th grade...
Daryl W. - July 1999-November 2000
Matt P. - December 2000-Febraury 2001
Matt P. - April 2001-June 2001
Matt J. - July 2001-February 2003
Jeremy H. February (2-3weeks)
Chris F. - February 2003-June 2003
Gustav IV - July 2003-Septrember 2003
Joshua - One Night in August 2003 (mistake/regret)
Dane - September 2003-October 2003
Mike - October 2003-who knows
_?_?_January 2004

what am i doing. none of you guys care. and thats fine. i lie a lot too. well i have lied to a few certain people, and i regret it. one or 2 in particular. maybe i am just a believer in love too often.
i have only truly loved 2 of those people, but i still deeply care for Gus still. i miss him as a friend, and we both know that the couple thing wasnt for us, due to him, liking men and all.

i think i will make another list:

Daryl: we still talk occasionally online, and the seldom few times that we actually will go and hang out
Matt P: We left on bad terms, and my friend, Liz, threw a grape at him, and he threatened to kill us.
Matt P.: He joined the air force or marines. i would really like to get ahold of him.
Matt j. : Still living in New York. Still the bestest friend i could ever ask for. we talk almost every other day.
Chris : He cheated on me, so we dont get along too well.
Gus: such an amazing guy. we just werent right for each other. I lack a penis.
Josh: MISTAKE
Dane: dated for a little while. really great guy. still occasionally have lunch with him, and enjoy him.
Mike: the greatest guy to probably enter my life. i am a sucker for love, and for him. not too sure what is going on with us though. not sure what we are. he really doesnt deserve me though, and he knows it.



bah. i am going to go jack off.
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i am aware now.... [05 Jan 2004|02:38pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]
[ music | coldplay - moses ]

i havent been up to much lately. we are moving pretty soopn, like in february or march. i am pretty excited i must say. i really am. to start all over and what not.

mike started his broadcasting class today. this new schedule thing sucks. he is in class from 9:00am to 3:30pm, and then he has to work every night from 5:00pm to close, which is usually around midnight.

so time with mike = 4:00pm to 4:50pm.

luckily he has friday off of work, so i will get to see him after 3:30. hopefully.

maybe this is what the relationship needs. we DO spend what seems to be every waking moment we have, together. we may get sick of each other. who knows though. i dont want to get comfortable with out having him around... and want to go back to being single... we'll see what life entails.

other than that... nothing has been going on. the moms are fighting an awful lot lately. which i am not a fan of. and um... i am still without a job. hooray for laziness. i need to get off of my ass i suppose.


oh well... i need to go to school or work, i am sooo bored of sitting on my ass and playing video games or working on the house.

for the past week i have been covered in paint, due to the fact that we are remodeling, FINALLY and painting seems to be my task of all tasks. at least i am not putting up drywall right? muha hahahah!

anywho, i miss talking to matt, and i was thinking, that since i am off of work right now, i should fly up to NY and visit him, we seem to be oin good terms, from the last time we talked. we'll see. i think i am going to call him and ask him about it later this week.

adios familia.

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comma oh gus... [23 Sep 2003|12:47am]
[ mood | crushed ]

well everyone. gus and i have parted ways. but not. he still believes that we can be in each others lives for years. i'm sorry, but he is not matt, or boosh for that matter. he could never be as important to me as those 2. he had his chance with me, and i may not be beautiful or stunning, but i had a lot to give. i would have given him the world if i could, but looking at it now, what did i have? nothing. he never treated me very well. and i would have done anything for him. we are seeing each other hopefully wednesday and thursday. it will be nice, to see how exactly we can be friends. i just want someone to actually give me what i can give them. what is so bad about me? why can't i find love? there's nothing wrong with me. there cant be. i am a snazzy catch, and any guy would be lucky to have me. is that what you all want to hear?

oh gus, to be in your arms tonight would be something so many have sought after. i had you for myself, and you couldn't do it. you had all of me for you and you didnt want it.

i will be ignored again, but i will stand by it. i will put up with it, because it's him. i know i couldn't do better than him. sorry.

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comma love adore you penguin [22 Sep 2003|09:38am]
[ mood | curious ]
[ music | boogie nights dvd ]

ahoy, now. this weekend with gus had some up's and downs, mainly because i felt as if i couldnt tell the truth to him. i really dont think i was ever in love with him. i do adore him, and want to be with him soooooo badly, but i rushed myself. i want to take it as is, i want to be friends who are also together. i want our friendship to grow before the relationship does. we are good together, we do have fun, and we are funny. we just need to get to know each other a bit better, and i need to get over the fact that he doesn't know i am not in love with him. i like how things are going right now with him and i. they are fun, they are not TOO serious, but we are still together, and we arent assholes. well, we are... i know i sure can be, and i know he sure can be. hehe. but i do want to be with him, that i know for sure. for definate sure. i guess him and i should really have a talk.

haha and for once it won't be about silly things that are going through my head. i think he should know though. we will be on the same level though, which is good. very good for the relationship i feel.

i have fun with him, and i think that maybe when i tell him... i will be able to have more fun around him and his friends. i will be able to act like myself, and not as much of a girlfriend.

yeah... i think i want to leave a voice mail for him, telling him this, or just wait until we can talk talk. hmmm.... or leave a voice mail... letting him know that i have been thinking, and that we need to talk... but let him know that it is nothing bad? i dunno.

i just feel that it will fix more things, him knowing this and whatnot.

i want this to work out.

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captain knowledge [19 Sep 2003|09:52am]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | nofx - clams have feelings too ]

well like i said, i am making this my "gus' journal... because seriously, i dont want to bitch all the time.
i was talking to my pal dereck online about the situation at hand, and well... this is what he had to say....

"So, basicly, you're staying with this guy, despite the fact that he may be gay, and he's hot for his ex, because you don't want to be alone. Is that right? Plus he doesn't hit you, I believe you said. I'll tell you honestly that is no reason to be in a relationship. Because I would not be mean to you. Sarcastic, yes, mean, no. You think breaking up is the best idea, but you can't because you don't want him to see you as a bitch. Do you honestly think your breaking up with him would break his heart? Doesn't sound like it to me. But to be with you, to be loved by you, I hope you know how much I or anyone else, would appreciate the opportunity. It looks like you'd sacrifice your happiness for the illusion of his love."

wow. i was speechless when i read that. no one has ever broken it down to a 't'

DereckMcF: What is the ultimate goal of a relationship?
No ONION 4 u: i dont even know anymore
DereckMcF: I'll tell you.
The ultimate goal of a relationship is to discover if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Is he that person?
No ONION 4 u: not at all, i suppose
DereckMcF: That's how you know if it's working or not.
DereckMcF: I know this is hard, but the longer you stay, the more of your life you waste and the more alone you'll feel, in the end.



this guy is too insightful for his own good.


gus, i still adore everything you do. you're robably the only person who i will ever let read this. ((robably isnt a real word, just so you know. dont moedl grammar after me))

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comma clams [18 Sep 2003|08:40am]
[ mood | curious ]
[ music | beck - midnight vultures ]

well, let's see, not too much going on in my life i guess. well there is... sort of. i just can't talk about it. sometimes, i just want to know. you know? haha. well i might as well just get to the point at hand.

have you ever had the feeling that you just are NOT good enough for someone? it is a depressing feeling mind you, so for those of you who never feel sad, congradulations. but today, and for the past week, i have had this feeling. that i am nto good enough for a certain person. he is wonderful. he has his down falls, but we all do. he has moments... where i just melt. where every little thing he does is so perfect... then there are the moments where the asshole wouldn't know if i died right in front of him. you see, he has a habit of ignoring me. and i have yet to know what to do. mainly because i became stupid, and fell in love with him.

i want a smile on my face constantly, and he used to do that for me... but then i met his ex. someone i know i will never amount up to. she is gorgeous, tall, lanky, fun, her personality is exactly like his, they have been so close for a bajillion years. they are still best friends to this day, and well... it's hard to be in the same room as them, because well... i clam up and don't have anything to say. i can't be as funny as i am when she is around, and he won't let me touch him when she is around.

i trust her more than i do him, because i have talked to her on the phone about it. she says she will never get back with him. not as long as she lives. which is understandable, they just dont work well together when they are a couple. happens to lots of folks i hear. well... i know he wants her back, it's blaintenly obvious. and i personally don't know what to think. i try not to think about it first off, because i can't be her for him. i only have myself to offer, and that doesnt seem to be doing the trick.

i don't like to be excluded from things that he lieks to do.

him and i weren't friends before we started dating. we met, and liked each other that same day. that seems to be how all my relationships start. the only "friends first" relationship i had, was with daryl. not my favorite of my 4 relationships, but it was good. a year and a half long, that was. then matt. matt and i dated... for about a year and a half too. but he was a "first day"guy. like chris and gus were too.

my relationships also seem to be getting shorter and shorter. i want a long-term one. because i fell in love with them. the idea of having someone care for you so much and for such a long period of time. always knowing that you will have that person there for you no matter what.

i realize that best friends are like that too, but it just seems different. your companion becomes your best friend... in a way.

i feel bad everytime i want to talk to gus about something that i am feeling bad about, because it seems as if it is all the time. i take up his time, and waste it. thats me. wastey mctime.

i do too much for him, it's not too much for me, but for him, i think he is tired of the whole "girlfriend" thing. the whole "couple" thing.
i want to be fun, which i think i am... i want to make him laugh, which i thought i did... i want to make him happy, which i feel i don't do. hense the fact that i am not leanne.

it seems as though no matter what i will never make him THAT happy.

i have to realize that i am not gorgeous, nor attractive in any sort of way, which many people find to be frustrating. i have such low self esteem, and gus doesnt really help that. he tries, which i commend him for.

... you know... he tries. he tries hard to make me happy, for the type of person he is, anyway... i just wish it was more on a continual basis.

i want infatuation. i want lust. i want love. i want gus.


(i rented Spun and Queer as Folk season 2; disc 1 from work)
i'm excited.

oooh, by the way.

my name is sarah, i live in tacoma wa, hopefully seattle or NYC soon... i live with housemates, we have a house. hense... "house mates" and i am usally the happy, daffy girl.

this post is not me. for all inquiring minds.

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