Taj and his mom drove me home. It was fun.
Fuck earth science.
yeah. nothing has happened. Had a heartfelt talk with Charles. Everything is cool. He is being nice to me. He told me things hes never said before about the way he feels about me. Who knows what will happen.
All I ever write about is Charles. BLAH BLAH BLAH. hehe.
Like four people humped my leg today at school. It was a wonderful time. Yahoo. hahha.
The tables brokie. My head is going crazy. BAH BAH VAH said the little brown sheep. HAHAHAHAHA.
I love you
my cat got hit by a car. fuck. what the hell is up with that. this is shit. damn it. its been two days and i miss her like crazy. i just want to hold her.
why does he have to have a girl?? A married one? with a kid. I cant get this boy out of my head, hes always there. i just wanna see him one more time to be able to get over him. It isnt fair. Why do I fall for people I always cant have??
All i ever do is complain on this thing and i hate doing that.
On the plus side, Myles is talking to me lots and he is gonna come see me on monday or tuesday. im really excited. i havent seen him since july. And i saw a fucking rad concert with cassi and mischa yesterday. I loved it. He is so cool, with his white frame glasses and acid wash jean jacket. And to make everything better...he poked my boob hole. hahaha.
i guess life isnt that bad. I want to be kissed again though. For all you who know, there is nothing like kissing a man you know you love, and i miss that most of all. I havent kissed anybody and actually liked it for about a half a year, at least since myles kissed me. it blows. but i think ill live.
perhaps a concert tonight is in good order. I think so...hmm.
Everything seems to be running smoothly right now, but who knows. I just realized this morning how many mikes i know. Its so comfusing. People from now are not alowed to name their children micheal or christopher. Haha. that would be cool.
I got a doorbell for my room
its really annoying and pretty dumb but i figured, for like a few weeks it will still be cool. Its a pair of lips that you hang up insde your room and they light up and make a piercing ringing sound when you press the button which looks like a bottle of nail polish outside my door. It pretty fly...for a white guy...whooo.
i slept like a baby in my cozy flannel sheets last night...yum...
all in all its been an interesting week. Missy and me were fighting then not and we are very cool now. Im tired sick. Jt told me i have nice boobs. I went out, woo hoo. and two nasty nasty guys liked me. it was weird. i saw paul. saw mike. kieth didnt rmeber me. i met a guy who apparently i have met like 3 other times. Hes cool. saw other mike. Parents anniversary. Ayumis birthday.
I love IAN...hehe. there are you happy babe??
man. Myspace is like a DRUG. I need some drugs. fuck i asked kieth if he had BRACES? he asked me if i was on crack. I think maybe i was.
whoa, again, like so many times before, I am talking to Charles. God. so frustrating. Hes so loving and then......not. Hes kinda a pot head. just kinda. damn it. he wants me to call him now. fuck me.
(yes i did give in and call)
so much for being a useful part of the world. My friend cant even tell me things anymore because i dont understand her. my other friend is anoyed at me. Fuck trying. I can't win. maybe, i know, maybe im not meant to have people that trust me and like me at the same time. i fucking hate relationships.
if i dont talk, its not cuz i hate you or something, its cuz i fucking dont give a shit anymore. People are gonna have issues with me and who i am, and thats cool, cuz im not going to change for other people, becasue i am who i am. me
do you ever get that feeling that you are a big fat tag along? like the people you are with dont really like you, you just happen to be there? Thats how i feel alot lately. It fucking sucks a dick. I hate life, i hate my school. For the first tim in 3 days i am listening to something other than boy bands.
My parenst are out of town for a week and i cant wait to go to yumis.
I wonder how she is, whats he doing. Im worried lately for all my frineds. Ayumi, paul, mickey. Especially those three. I love you guys if you read this.
Offspring. Nypd blue. I want to grow up. To drive.
fuck fuck fuck.
Im sorry to everybody. Why do i have this knack for putting myself in weird situations.
my ittalian boy finally wrote. Hes so sweet.
How are you? I'm Alex,the boy that you met in Rome,the boy of the red rose,do you remember of me? I hope you have spent a
beautiful time with your family in my city and which one day
you' ll turn back so that I can see again the fantastic "deep blue" of
your eyes,and the shine of your smile.
Everything is ok in USA? Here yes,I've just started university and I haven't any problem. If you want, We can write e-mails so we can remain in contact.
So I will wait your answer,
BYE , BYE !!!
Taj is cute. I like him. He likes me, kinda. haha. how lame, kinda. He doesnt want a relationship. shit.
Ayumi suggested getting him drunk, pretending to be drunk myself, and then trying to mess around with him. haha.
she says its fullproof.
Joy FLIPPED out in the van today, back from the volley ball game. Im sick of people so badly.
I have to be in a car for a week
Concert tomorrow. Katia wants to come over after but she doesnt really have a ride there. I dont want anybody over really. Stressful. Damn.
i have to go. Charles is being nice. im lost. I like Taj. bah. but i think everybody knows anyhow, even him.
taj taj. i think i like him. damn boys.
friends are good. things are okey.
fallin is dead tired.
Ayumi attacked my cell phone with furry and colorful stickers.
Wish i could fly. wish i could play guitar or even just sing well. singing well is neat. everybody can do it but me. poo
christopher wants to fertilize me.
Im going out of my fucking mind, thank you very much. Does anybody read this fucking thing? probley not.
The disreguard of people at my school is pissing me off. im sure i do it all the time, but at least I try to think of things before I spit them out to the general public. Fucking damn.
I had a bad day. My friends think Im boy crazy and It fucking pisses me straight off. Boys can be your friends too or am I seriously wrong in saying this? I hope not. If you want to hang out with me, why dont you fucking invite me over. I invite myself over, nobody invites me which leads me to believe that I am a school friend. God dammit. Im a school friend. I wish I could crawl into a hole and live out the rest of my sorry exsistance in solitude. When nobody is around is the only time I really feel like "myself". Fuck. Im being all meloncoly and depressed. Shit. I wish I had a punching bag becasue I think it would be in pieces right now.
I am having issues with people, in general.
I think Im going to sit all by myslef tomorrow. YAY! Aloneness. It sounds so good right now. Fucker, im so heated right now. Im fucking Horny too. I would fuck anything that moved right about now.
Im so glad its friday. My nerves are telling me that its time to get away from school. AWAY away!
Away from school! yahoo.
-why ever should you sleep?
-becasue your eyelids get tired.
it just doesnt seem fair anymore. People are slipping away like water through my fingertips. Faces hitting pavement at thousands of miles per hour.
Georgia? why so fucking far? Colorado? I dont fucking know. Everybody is so far.
Myles is gone. Slipping away. He doesnt care for me like he did anymore. It hurts. I miss him already. Hes moving out. Im so scared. I feel like asking him to come live with me, but my parents would have a cow.
Why did they kick him out? It was a fucking bad idea. His life went downhill even more. Waldorf was good for him.
I feel like lately all i want to do is cry. Im all emotional. Everything upsets me, but tears never quite make it to the surface. I feel as though im holding back for the satisfaction of other people. People that will never quite understand my feelings, even if they try. Why do I still love charles? Becasue he still loves me. I feel like this is something serious that I should persue, even though i know the timing isnt quite right.
My mom made me feel so good when she told me that my dad and her met when she was 19. They didnt really become friends or even start dating until she was 27. 8 years. that made me feel like, i just need to be patient. I know i do. but it seems so perfect, right now. I want it so badly. it hurts.
charles' father died. i just found out.
i wanted to cry.
i talked to him for close to an hour. its been all summer since i last did.
why is it that the things that i really really want, like myles and charles are so difficult to reach?
yeah. Im here. Feeling kind of odd. Im confussed about Daniel. I had doubts about him, but I really don't want to have those. I like him, alot. But I don't kno what is wrong with me. I dont think that i can have a realationship without being scared.
Scared of what? Charles. Im scared of being hurt the way that he hurt me. And i don't even know why I was so hurt. Wow, I don't even realize how much I miss him, until I write in this damned thing.
Ray is a man whore. He has a spanish accent and a nipple ring. Why does he have a girlfriend and why do boyfriends and girlfriends exsist. I think that it should be free love, all the way.
Daniel payed his friend jason a dollar to leave us alone yesterday. It was his last dollar. I feel special.
I have strep, and I'm afraid that Daniel might as well. He asked me if i was making out with a cute foriegn boy. I wonder if i really do have strep or if its just a soar throat.
I spent today with my dad. It was fun. I bought Phish food. Yum.
Love you all.
Ps. If anybody EVER reads this thing, please comment to make me feel like somebody does go here. Tank oi.
i dont understand. Ehy can't I break myself from him? From charles? I dont understand. No matter what i do. I just keep wanting to talk to him. AHHHHHH. I hate this.
One by one
The ships gone sailing on
Okey, from this point on. Im not going to talk to him. Ill call him at the end of summer. YAHOO me. Then maybe he will be happy that i took time to call him.
Daniel told me that he misses me. God, i love this boy. What am I even doing talking to Charles? That is a terribly good question. I blocked him! yeah me. I will be strong.
Its been a long time since i have written. Some stuff has happened since i last wrote too.
I met Daniel. In case you don't know who im talking about, which i don't think is possible, then ill tell you who this is. Hes a guy i met about a week ago at TC's show in Davis. Yes, sadly he lives in Davis. And he nor I dirve, but im sure it will be fine. Anywhoo, hes really hot, and more importantly nice and he actually likes me. Yes, that may be a shock to your system, a BOY likes ME.
Anyway, I decided that I had to tell Myles about Daniel. And now, I havn't heard from Myles in almost a week. It makes me sad. Ahh. I feel so bad, like I've decieved him. I'm such a bitch.
Calvin kissed Jordan. She just told me. This makes me so happy. Im not sure why. They are so cute, and she was so happy with him. Seeing her get what she wants, and being happy, makes me happy too.
Over and out,
Blah BLAH BLAHHHHHHHH!
Anywhoo....Im feeling much less upset now.
Prom was a blast. I have never had that much fun at a dance. I danced my heart out and felt like i didnt care.
It was amazing.
well today started out really cool. Missy and I got our nails done and then we were headed towards Sarahs afterwards.
Everything was really cool and rad and neato and then Lili called me. She told me that Myles can't go to prom with me. she seemed really anal towards me too. I can't take this anymore.. What the fuck is with this. I knew this was gonna happen and i cant even take it.
Im sitting here listening to a depressing song, in my little dress. The strap is falling down, making me feel like a distressed little girl. My flowers on the crasage Noah's friend Thomas gave me out of pity, are wilting.I m tying not to cry because my make-up will run down my face. Maybe I should just cry and then run to Janis and tell her that she did this to me. Grr. I want to destroy something right now. Im doing everything i can too not sry right now but its not working becasue the first tear just ran down my cheek.
I miss charles like mad. I want him so bad. I don't understand why though. Maybe because of how safe I felt in his arms, how i felt he will always be with me. im so in love with him and it hurts. It hurts me to think of him with another girl. I want to cry my eyes out and run to him. I don't know if anyone can understand how I feel. I wish I could just tell him how much I loved him. I don't know what to do. I feel that perhaps he just wantsmy body, not me. And I don't understand why he would want it though. I feel so ugly, and stupid.
I cant deal with this anymore.
Im going out of my mind. Everyone is so happy and I am so sad. I want to die now.
But i dont think i shall. Ill wait and see if things get better.
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