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Monday, November 17th, 2003
3:15 pm - Eek
Heh, heh. I guess people do read these things. Ha!
I sat down with Ashley to assess our situation and to tell her what a bitch she was. Dear God.
Saturday, I went to a frat party. It was really fun actually, there was good music and pleanty of drinks and TONS of people. I met up with Ashley and left after a while. As we walked down the row I Graham came up in the convo. I met him after a vocal jazz concert and noticed that he was really cute and as I told this to ashley she told me about how he was the guy that she was planning to hook up with that night. She then said that she didn't want to and asked if I did. I was like, "sure, eventually" but by that time she was already on the phone:
"You know our plans tonight. Is is ok if I bring a hot blonde with me to join in?"
"Ahhh!" from me and I am sure Graham too.
She then told me that she would make him think he was getting both of us and then leave. I was pretty dunk so I went along with it. Why, why, why, why...
We got there and I had to be introduced to him again because he didn't remember me. We talked for a while and he displayed what a pretentious ass hole he is. Then He kissed Ashley and then me and took our shirts off and then Ashley said she would be right back and left. About 30 minutes later he asked where she was and I said I didn't Know. But afterward he figured it out and I felt horrible. Not only had we fucked this guy out of, first, Ashley, then a threesome I felt like a horrble unattractive bitch that can't get my own ass. Oi. He was nice though. Still...no sex, thank god.
Fuck it. I'm over it. It's really quite funny what we did to him. He's an asshole but a good kisser. Ashley didn't mean any harm and I don't think he minded even though he was disappointed. I think the thing that is really bugging me is that I don't know what I would have done if Ashley had stayed. Scary.
During our talk last night, I found out how very similar Ashley and I are. We both really don't know who we are so we change all the time. We chase a lot of tail, I think she does it with a little more grace and ease but how can't you when you make every guy in the room drool. Oi.
In reaction to the comment I recieved, I don't know how to take having this many boys in my life. I guess I am jsut like someone picking through a filing cabenet really fast. Opening each one a small crack to peek and knowing that each one so far isn't for her. Yeah, that is a really nice metaphor for being a ho. :)
I pulled my hamstring, damnit.

current mood: bitchy

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Monday, November 10th, 2003
9:24 pm - Flaky shit, man
Fuck 'im, fuck 'im right in the ear!
Ok so he never called. Saw his at a party that night and he waved at me and was being way nice but then I saw him sneeking out in a hurry, looking like he was trying not to be seen. Then Kevin showed up with, what I think is, his gf. Fucking A. After erasing Andy's # out of my phone, I called Ben for a kinda booty call but then we just ended up watching a movie and having a really weird tension at the end when we didn't want to make a move but if one of us did it would have been all over. Arg.
I found out today that Geof just got together with his gf. I glimmer of hope streaked across my evil mind. Just shut up Merrie. Lord.
Officially not a good boyness time for me!
P.S. I am starting to train for a Marathon. I am crazy in the head.

current mood: discontent
current music: Rhapsody Radio: #1

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9:24 pm - Flaky shit, man
Fuck 'im, fuck 'im right in the ear!
Ok so he never called. Saw his at a party that night and he waved at me and was being way nice but then I saw him sneeking out in a hurry, looking like he was trying not to be seen. Then Kevin showed up with, what I think is, his gf. Fucking A. After erasing Andy's # out of my phone, I called Ben for a kinda booty call but then we just ended up watching a movie and having a really weird tension at the end when we didn't want to make a move but if one of us did it would have been all over. Arg.
I found out today that Geof just got together with his gf. I glimmer of hope streaked across my evil mind. Just shut up Merrie. Lord.
Officially not a good boyness time for me!
P.S. I am starting to train for a Marathon. I am crazy in the head.

current mood: discontent
current music: Rhapsody Radio: #1's

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Saturday, November 8th, 2003
8:44 pm - Well, a few things have happened...
Let's see. I was really horny on Tuesday and totally pulled a booty call the next night. Kevin and I got naked in the stairwell...hot. HMMMM. I asked him if he wanted to sleep with me and said "uh, I usually save that until I am in a relationship" Then changed it to "Maybe, you could just get me drunk" then to "ok maybe i don't have to be drunk." Still no sex but that is ok because last night I was over there hanging with Travis and a girl came over for Kevin. It was hillarious, actually! She came over and was acting all girlfriendy and he wa swayyy uncomfortable. Oh su funny.
I hooked up with Ben on Friday after Halloween drunkeness. Still no sex but that is ok because drunk sex is never very fun.
I saw Andy that night and that was the last time I have seen him. I tried to get together with him at the game but we were playing phone tag and then saw him with another girl. I got really discouraged after that. He didn't call me until I called him on Thursday. I said "this is it, if he doesn't pick up his phone. This is the last call he is ever getting." and he didn't pick up. He did call back later though. He said that we should do something tonight, but he still hasn't returned my message that I left him at 6. hmmm.
This boy shit sucks.
Oh! I think I met the man of my dreams tonight. An amazing actor and an amazing singer. Theater major that is on crew with me for the opera. He played Jud in Oklahoma and seriously made me cry when I saw it. I had dinner with him and Peter tonight and pretty much melted into my chair. My God. But, of course, he has a girlfriend. she is the director of the dance show and probably a huge theater person. Just like the pretty girl that came to see Kevin.
Arg. I should just stop looking for some one. Be content in not having to worry about it. But it is all I ever worry about is what guys think about me. I don't know why. Man, I just know I am going to obsessing about this Geofrey kid. Damnit

current mood: jealous

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Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
10:14 pm - 6 Months!!!
I want to just go next door and get Kevin alone and just tell him to ravage me right then and there. It has almost been 6 months since I last had sex. I am going insane. I Imed him and he signed off 8 seconds after. Damnit. Think he is avoiding me? Hell, I don't really care other than that I just want to hook up with him again.
Hmmmm. Nick Probst. Ben. Anyone!!!fuck me now!!!
Ashley said that mosty singers only get this way. Arg.

current mood: horny

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Monday, October 27th, 2003
9:32 pm - Ok, just an update.
Took my Music History midterm today. Wow, finally a taste of what I though college woule really be like. I haven't studied for a test so much in my entire life, and I still don't think I did that well. I hope I set the curve again though....hee hee.
This Andy kid: We went out the thursday after I had last written. It was amazing. All we did was walk around and sit on the beach and talk. Like I wished that one date, I mean disaster with Radu would have turned out. We ended up kissing and just holding eachother on the sand until like 3 in the morning. UGHGH. It was nice. That Saturday, I think, we stayed up late again watching Top Gun and kind of making out. But he refused to walk or even drive me home. That was a little dissappointing. He wanted to do something last week so I invited him to Kevin's play, but he didn't want to go. Who says a straight up no to a play? We ended up missingn eachother all night until it was too late to do anything on Thursday but we ended up going to a huge party which migrated here. When he left he kissed me goodnight. We actually made it out to do something on Friday. We went to sushi in Pasadena. I really shoudn't be making this big of a deal about it, but he didn't offer to pay. I don't know I guess I just got acustomed to the guy paying. But he did buy me yogurt.
My point is that with all of this he seems to be "lacking passion" as Adam put it on Saturday when he was giving me crap for not liking anyone. I think he hit it right on the nose as to why I don't seem to be falling for this guy. Even though he is extremely liberal, and sweet, and smart and all of the things I look for in a guy, he is so goddamned apathetic about everything. Oh, well, we shall see I guess.
Cynthia is going to kill me, and so is Chuck Hudson so I had better practice before I completely pass out.
Oh yeah, I think I have been gaining weight. I haven't been eating exactly like a bird lately and I dont' think running twice a week is doing anything. Man, just when I thought I had it under control I starte eating everything in sight again. I am jsut hungry all the time and I don't know what to do about it!

current mood: lethargic

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Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
1:22 pm - How funny how everying changes
I think myself into these odd hyperboles that make my moods swing like an underdog. Andy said he wasn't going to call until tonight...but it gave me time to think things over and I can't help feeling discouraged. Lord I am so psycho. Nothing has changed but my thoughts have done a 180. On Monday I wasa ll pumped about having 3 possibly 4 boys interested in me. Why that should make such a difference in the way I think about myself is beyond me, but it really does. Now I think about how the guys next door think I am this big idiot with no life, how Kevin thinks I am this emotional wreck. How Ben is completely neutral, how that Paul kid that I was going to call doesn't even remember me and how Andy must think that I am this crazy girl that is following him around. I know, well, at least I think, half of this is untrue but I can't help it how it affects my self esteem.
I am afraid of the dissapproval of males. It's fucked up! If I dont' have the approval of eery man in the room I feel like a pile of shit when, I know I shoudn't care. Why is it such a big deal? Why is every journal entry about guys? What the fuck is wrong with me???

current mood: rejected
current music: Black Eyed Peas

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Sunday, October 12th, 2003
12:08 pm - Situation Evaluation:
So, Andy came over last night. I was tired, but stuck it out. Acutally he called me the moment I picked up the phone to call him to see if he was coming.
Yeah, definitely likin' this kid. He is so sweet. He seems really nervous around me though. I don't really know if he is really nervous or if it is just the way he acts. And I dont know if it is cute or kind of uninviting. Oh, well. He is a democrat so he gets the seal of aproval from Kim. Ha. He kissed me, nervously, but he kissed me. It was a lot sweeter than I am used to. I guess I am just used to those drunken hookups where people sort of attack eachother (the extreme being with Kevin) and I was taken aback by how much he just let it be. Just let us kiss. Weird, but nice.
I am really looking forward to getting to know him. Yay!

current mood: excited

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12:21 am - title
Went shopping today for a few hours with Ashley and had a lot of fun. Yay. Went to WR and Tracy said "when are you going to quit so we can start dating." Funny, because I have been planning to ask him out the day I leave. Heh heh. I still don't know if he is serious though. He looks so good lately. Damn.
Arnold is now the Governor. Fuck me in the goat ass. That's all I have to say about that.
Kevin spent the night last night... again. So much for not making out anymore huh? Pig fuck. He is so sweet but agressive in bed, damn I would really like to have sex with that boy. I hate it how all guys say that a girl can get laid whenever she wants. The last two guys that I have offered sex to have refused. What the fuck is up with that?
Andy is on his way over. I guess I should be pretty thankful about how many boys that I have hooked up with since I broke up with Wes. Andy might be #4. Tee hee.

current mood: sleepy
current music: Rhapsody Radio: Hip Hop station

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Friday, October 10th, 2003
3:43 pm - Dahhhh!
Ok, I am officially on hormone overload. I hung out with all guys (again) last night. I had a blast until one of them got in a fight and I almost choked on the cloud of testosterone. I have this idea of just making out with many boys one after another after another...aghghghgh. I can't still can't get Kevin off my mind but I think it is more the concept of him rather than who he is. I realized that I have a LOT of time on my hands when I am not with anyone. I still don't do my work but it is odd how much time I just end of on m y computer wnating a boy rather than doing my work. I am crazy.
I have been really rude to all of my gfs lately. Especially Hilary. I just keep making stupid joking coments that I realize were really rude and demeaning after I say them. Shit. I am crazy and a bitch.
Maybe I should go date Andy. and get married to the future rich Jewish businessman. He said, "I can't beleive you are a Democrat. There are so few around here. My mom actually said that I don't have to marry a jewish girl as long as she is a liberal." I think I should be scared or at least taken aback by that comment, but I am not. I thought it was actually really cute. God, I am getting old. Should marriage really be on my mind this much? Should I even be on the lookout for "the one?" Crazy, bitchy and old. Greeeat.
I am finding all these things about the libretto and lyrics of all these old songs. God, they are all true. All of that stupid shit about love. All those silly love songs. I need it. The cold, the hot, the pain, and the utter extasy. Can I please just like someone who likes me. Please?

current mood: discontent
current music: No Doubt: Return of Saturn

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Sunday, October 5th, 2003
2:43 pm - Another night
Had some real fun last night. Met a really hot tennnis player... my God he was cute. And I made out with Kevin again. So Frustrating. Last night he was supposed to meet me at the Scene Dock to watch "Good Thing" but he ditched out and didn't call me even though I was saving a whole row for him and his friends. I was kind of excited that he was being such and asshole. It was easier not to like him. But last night, he just kept calling me when ever we would get split up at parties and he even ditched his other friends to go with me. When we sat down to watch Mr. Show and we started kissing, I told him that I had better stop because I liked him. Did we stop? Of course not. But inbetween kisses, gropes, bites and everything else we got out that he truely is not interested in anything more than what we were doing at that very moment. I guess that is ok. But, after much indecision, I told him we had to stop and I guess that's it. If anything happens with this Paul kid maybe we we can start back up...heh heh. It does feel better now that I said it. I don't know why, I'm not gonna get any ass for a while, now. But I guess I just feel more relaxed about it. Honest.
The choir retreat was fun. .I hung out with Ashley a lot and got to know a really nice gay guy.
I missed work today...woops.
Got to do laundry.

current mood: restless
current music: Hip Hop station on Rhapsody

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Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
8:55 pm - boys
What the hell is wrong with them? Wes won't leave me alone and Kevin won't pay any attention. Ben is just about right but pretty much has a girlfriend. AHHHHH!
why do I think about this so much?
I should be thinking about my fugue or SOMETHING.
Well, I do think about what a horrible ass hole we have for a president. but in a journal. what really is there to write about?
Ok, I think I am going to do some work before I get too depressed.

current mood: annoyed
current music: Oranger

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Sunday, September 28th, 2003
11:03 am - So frustrated
Why, Why Why! Why do I have to be stuck in this Highschool stupidness? I think about him constantly. He's not even THAT amazing. Maybe that is why I like him so much: he feels attainable...and he lives 30 ft. from me. GRRRRRR.
He and I watched a movie last night. Punch Drunk Love. It was really good, I don't think I liked it QUITE as much as he did but good none the less. Almost went to a party with him and it was a mistake that we didn't go. He was all up for going, had his jacket on and everything, and woudn't know anyone but me and I would have hadto stick with him the whole time...stupid me.
I went dancing on Friday. It was fun, but there was a lot of ugly people there, ha ha. I shook my booty hard, though. I am still feeling it! Whew.
I think I need a good fuck. All this hormonal overload on pining over this schmuck has got me worn down. I almosst had sex with Ben the last time we hooked up. He was here last night too. No, not for that purpose, but I get the feeling that he really likes me. It's wierd though. He is in this odd postiion with his "sort of" ex-gf 12,000 miles away and he works all the time. Cute as hell. Man, this sucks.
Hilary keeps leaving her shit everywhere. I never thought it would bug me but this is kind of ridiculous. Doesn't even flush the toilet. Dude! I gotta love her though. I don't think I have ever met someone so sweet.
Time to get ready to do some homework.

current mood: horny
current music: Liz Phair

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Monday, September 22nd, 2003
11:33 pm - Work, Mer, Work!
Ok, so instead of doing my homework, studying my music, or studying for this midterm that I am going to bomb on Wednesday, I talked to Kevin online for and hour and a half. Good ...and a lot of bad. Bad that I need to get so much shit done, good that he talked to me for that long, bad that I am starting to be like a little nerdy high school girl and think about him constantly. AHHH! "When is it gonna stop!" my Dear God I haven't liked someone in so long, this sucks. I didn't remember how much it sucked. I saw him at lunch today. Damn, he does get cuter every time I see him.
(Right now I have this picture of myself beating my head with my theory book) Enough! with the kevin talk.
Time for bed...shoot me please!

current mood: geeky
current music: my fugue

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Sunday, September 21st, 2003
7:34 pm - Down again
Well, this weekend hasn't turned out quite as fun but it is up there. I stayed up 'til 7AM makin' out with Ben. That was quite unexpected. But last night was a big dud.
I think this whole Kevin this is over. He really doesn't seem interested anymore and that is fine I guess.
I have come to the conlusion that I have no personality what so ever. I filled out this friendster thing and I didn't have any idea what to put on the "descibe yourself" section. I looked at other people's pictures and profiles and they are all so witty and funny and personal. And then there is me, just a smiley picture and some boring facts. This is the reason, I have concluded that I like hanging out with guys. I can always get them to hang out with me because I am a half way attractive girl and they like that....not me. In order to be friends with girls I would have to be entertaining in some way, have something to talk about or to do. With guys I can get by on just looking cute...sometimes. I don't know, maybe it is a stretch but it can't be that far from the truth.
Again, the thoughts of never having real friends comes to my mind again.

current mood: depressed

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Friday, September 19th, 2003
4:34 pm - Silly Love Songs
Just can't get over it. I just want to be in love again. That whole Wes thing was a disaster. NEVER AGAIN, MERRIE!!!! Yeah, right. I'll probably trick myself into marrying one of those poor schmucks that I don't love. I guess that would be better then marrying a person that I really love with all my heart, because their gonna be fucked up hardcore...just like Matt. ARG!
So frustrated...ok now to sleep!

current mood: sick
current music: Dashboard confessional

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Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
11:32 pm - single...oh, yeah. I had forgotten.
I forgot how lonely it can be to be single. I spent all that time thinking of being single and now all I do is pine for the day when I am in love. Why do I visualize so much that it hurts?
Kevin is sitting 20 feet away from me right now, not thinking of me or the possibilities that I hold. Not thinking of how I might be that one to get close to. Oh, well.
I talked to Matt last night for a couple of hours. That was pretty odd. It's always nice to be reminded of how fucked up he is. and, I guess it is nice to be thrown back to not missing him. I keep getting feelings that I haven't had since before the whole Matt debacle. Happiness, longing for love, goals, life. It's really weird...and nice.
Just went up to see Kathy. The only girl talk I have had for a long time.
Ah, getting back to normal. Back the way it was before guys would fuck everything up and turn everything out of wack. Still I have to admit that being out of wack if fun to say the least.
I just want to be in love again. I am getting desperate.
I just went over there to say hi. They were all sittin there saying that they don't want to drive an hour to fo to a party. And kevin walked in. It's so frustraiting that I am making theis into such a big ass deal. What a freak am I? But my heart didn't leap. I just stood there looking like an idiot like usual. arg.

current mood: nostalgic
current music: Dashboard confessional

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Sunday, September 14th, 2003
11:58 am - Summer is over
I haven't written in a long ass time because the internet has been down and fucking Conquest wouldn't fix it.
School has started and it is ok. It's kinda kicking my ass as usuall but at least I don't have anything to work on on the weekends yet! Last night was sooo much fun!
I went over to Amanda's to hang out with her, Jackson and a bunch of his friends. I think that is why it was so much fun last night: I was surrunded by hot guys all night long. We went to this huge ass party that took up a whole apartment complex and had 4 kegs. It was amazing. I met so many people and it was kind of a sausage fest. After that one got broken up. I went to another party with some of Jackson's friends (who were amazing dancers by the way) and met an incredible DJ and met up with tons of my own friends (including the boys next door).
I have to explain this also. Across the hall, 7 boys moved in. All of them are hellla cool and amazinglly fun so we hang out at parties all the time but oaugh! there is one of them that is incredibly hot and funny and I can't get over. He is from Tigard and knows all of my Bach fest friends from doing theater and stuff (that's his major). Hmmmm...I still smell like him. Last night was the third time that we have, well, made out. I never thought making out could be so much fun, but damn. He is so aggressive and fun about it...agh. At first I wasn't that interested but the more I see him the cuter he gets, and funnier and nicer and ...but he explained to me that he doesn't want to date anyone and I guess I shouldn't even consider dating my neighbor.
It hurts my feelings though, I can't help it. It's even worse than the desappointment I have with Ben. I started to like him and realized that I can't have him, but at least there was more of an excuse, not just the lack of will. Whatever, I need to just calm down. Thinking of how much fun I had last night, I definitly need to be single right now, but I still get the feeling that I ... I dunno...I'd love to be in love and be loved in return.
Grrrr. I am still thinking of Matt.
HEEE HEEE I went to bed last night at 6:10 AM!!!!

current mood: giddy
current music: Something Corperate

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Monday, August 18th, 2003
1:25 am - The third date.
Well, I am dating this guy named Radu. Interesting is the least of it. This is the Third date, where he, in turn, gets me enogh to drink to kiss him some while watching movies in my house...maybe I am making this a little bit more of a deal than it should be but I am really kind of confused about all of this.
I really do like him. He seems nice enough and I know he is a very talented musician. But really today was just kind of weird. We went to dinner, saw Harrison Ford and had a good time. then went to Santa Monica and had a weird time while he keeps explaining to me that he wants to walk somewhere with his beer and then dowtown SM where all we do is look for a place to buy beer or wine so we can continue to drink it out of paper cups and get tipsy. I say we shouldn't do that because I still have to drive and so we go to my place with all of my roomates where he finally makes a move, a rather large one, and says, "I wish we had a room. What? Is that too forward?" OI! that is all I have to say.
His body did surprize me though. He hides a rather nice one under all that baggy clothing. But then again, he wouldn't want to look GAY or anything. I really don't think we have anything in common. He sounds like the typical American and I have run out of questions to ask him about his harritige from Romania and his 2.5 years in Germany and building his career as a violinist. I feel like I know everything about this guy...yet again, he still doesn't know my favorite color. On top of that, he kind of lacks a sense of humor. Oh, well, maybe it will get better...or I am just getting myself into one of those situations AGAIN!
God, Wes is looking better and better all the time. Who'da thunk it?

current mood: curious

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Thursday, August 7th, 2003
10:52 pm - "Fuck Bush!"-Adam's favorite saying
I hate the president! I hate him so much and if he gets elected again I am going to move and that is a promise!
Wes needs to get the fuck out of my home. I am sick of his whining. I am sick of his moping. I am sick of his constant stupidity.
I made another date with Radu. The violinist from Juliard. Ah, so odd. I don't know if I really like him (which, from past experience is a very bad thing) but when I saw him he was a lot cuter than I remembered. Big shoulders and a deep as hell voice. Hmm. But definitely not what I need right now, that is fo' sho'.
I do need some ass though. I can tell Ben is freaking out about Katheryn being home, so that outlet is certainly out of order. I also have noticed myself doing that stupid kind of idealizing that I do and I think I am starting to like him a lot more than is healthy, so it is a good time for that shit to stop.
Hilary moved in today. I am so glad she is the sweet girl I knew her to be in the beginning. Yay. This is going to be fun I hope. Now all I have to worry about is Kim. Hmmmm. We shall see.
Gotta go get that annoying ass out of my home for good. Poor Wes.

current mood: annoyed
current music: Tool- on a mix from my sister

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