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.: Sunday, June 13th, 2004 :.
.: a comment once forgotten :.
"you don't know me, but i know brynne better than anyone. probably better than she knows her own self. and i can guarantee you that you're tearing her apart inside whether or not she lets you know. things that don't seem to matter to an ordinary person will matter a great deal to her. she's a very complicated girl. but she's only that way because a painful past has made her that way. but i have a feeling that you know very little of her past. you probably think she's a perfectly happy and perfectly normal girl. but if you look closely at her eyes when she doesn't know you're looking, you'll see more pain than you could ever imagine one person knowing.

she hides her hurt well and she needs somebody who is sensitive enough to see it and strong enough to handle it. so i suggest you really take some time to understand who she is deep down instead of "getting away" if you want to keep her around."


i guess i shouldve listened...GOD IM SUCH A FUCKING MORON
06:05 am

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.: im sorry :.
there is something i must say, to someone, and she knows who she is...
im sorry for everything i said to you that i shouldnt have
im sorry for not loving you the way i shouldve
im sorry that i could never get in good with your family
im sorry about how i couldnt take what i had into perspective
im sorry...overall im sorry that i ruined your life
i hope that you can at least find it in your heart to forgive me for what i did to you
please
ive been going over this in my head for the past 2 days
and youve made me realize this..
im not who im supposed to be
i dont like what i am
i just wish i hadnt fucked this up so you could be around to keep me straight
but i guess this is goodbye
so just remember

i did, do, and always will, love you
06:00 am

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.: Wednesday, April 28th, 2004 :.
.: Brynne :.
Its time for me to buckle down a bit and really watch out for what i do. I think to myself at nights if im doing things right and i dont think i am. I am not being who i was before and who i said i am. With the ex all i wanted was to make her happy but now i seem to be doing the opposite and not really caring. I dunno, maybe im just a moron. Who cares, the point is im going to make thing better in my life, all aspects, and hopefully never hurt anyone ever again. I love brynne and i dont know what i would do if i seriously fucked things up. I really need to get to know her and now im going to spend every second we have together to find that out. Hopefully i can because its not just one of those things that spark up a conversation. I want her to just spill out more then i know, i want to know every little thing about her, because that is what makes me happy...
22:19 pm

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.: Tuesday, April 27th, 2004 :.
.: gg to me :.
Just when i thought i had everything straight i fucked up something again. Although it was blown way out of proportion i still feel like shit. I shouldve just gone and stayed at school last night and nothing wouldve happened. I think that its not over and done with, the arguments that is. I know its still there in both our minds. I could barely sleep last night and what sleep i got was haunted by what i have done and how ive done things in the past. I have serious problem with doing things the right way. I look back and i see that i inadvertantly dont seem to care about what im not doing or who im not with. This isnt a good thing when it comes to relationships. In the past ive done the same thing. I now realize that i couldve changed things with the ex early on in the relationship or done better and things wouldnt have ended so bad or they wouldnt of ended at all. But im glad it ended cuz now i have Brynne :-). She is the best thing that has happened to me and i almost fucked it up seriously, but i still fucked it up. I feel really really bad right now and im still not sure if i can show my face to her right now. I hope that me and JR can just leave for all of sat, not give a shit, just leave. Get away from Chester, the wifes, work, parents, everything. Although i don't want to i think its about time we just got away from it all for a day. I just need one day where i have no cares at all and to know that when i get back there will be someone just waiting for me to come home to chester. I wish i could leave this place and go far away, its taken a toll on my mind but at the same time ive learned so much. I hate this, i hate feeling such attachment for something that sucks so bad. I love you brynne and im sorry and it sucks i might not see you this week...
17:58 pm


current mood: blank

current music: Lynryd Skynyrd - "Simple Man"

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.: Monday, April 26th, 2004 :.
.: Lynyrd Skynyrd "Simple Man" :.
Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.
Take your time... Don't live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and you'll find love,
And don't forget son,
There is someone up above.

(Chorus)
And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Won't you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

(Chorus)

Boy, don't you worry... you'll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try.
All I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

(Chorus)
22:59 pm

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.: Thursday, April 22nd, 2004 :.
.: Tim McGraw "Just to see you smile" :.
You always had an eye for things that glitteredBut I was far from bein' made of goldI don't know how but I scraped up the moneyI just never could quite tell you noJust like when you were leavin' AmarilloTakin’ that new job in TennesseeAnd I quit mine so we could be togetherI can't forget the way you looked at me Just to see you smileI'd do anythingThat you wanted me toAnd all is said and doneI'd never count the costIt's worth all that's lostJust to see you smile When you said time was all you really neededI walked away and let you have your spaceCuz leavin' didn't hurt me near as badlyAs the tears I saw rollin' down your faceAnd yesterday I knew just what you wantedWhen you came walkin' up to me with himSo I told you that I was happy for youAnd given the chance I’d lie again Just to see you smileI'd do anythingThat you wanted me toAnd all is said and doneI'd never count the costIt's worth all that's lostJust to see you smile I'd do anythingThat you wanted me toAnd all is said and doneI'd never count the costI'ts worth all that's lostJust to see you smile
21:19 pm


current music: Tim Mcgraw - tim mcgraw - don't take the gi

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.: SR-71 "Tomorrow" :.
Is it any wonder why I'm scared,
If I was a little younger would I
care,
feeling like the walls are growing stronger,
I don't know if this cage can hold me any longer

you never dreamed you'd have to love your life so guarded,
cause they'll find a way to make you feel discarded

I'm not afraid of tomorrow,
I'm only scared of myself,
feels like my insides are on fire, and I'm looking through the eyes of someone else

I never thought they'd want me to go even faster,
never thought I took my foot off the gas,
everybody loves to be in on the pressure,
but I know they're all waiting for the crash

you never dreamed you'd have to live your life so guarded,
cause they'll find a way to make you feel discarded,
things have changed you've become a complication,
can make it through another days
humiliation

I'm not afraid of tomorrow,
I only scared of myself,
feels like my insides are on fire and I'm looking through the eyes of someone else

someone else...

is it any wonder why the answer keeps me petrified ,
is it any wonder why ,
I'm scared.....
21:16 pm


current music: no artist - SR-71 - Tomorrow

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.: Wednesday, April 14th, 2004 :.
.: Judge me before you know me, then FUCK YOU!! :.
I swear to fucking god I hate immature people who act like they know someone and then treat them like shit both behind their back and to their face. One of these people I shall not name to save my life and the other is Brynne's sister. Seriously, WTF!?!?!?! I did not do a god damn thing to either of them and they hate me. Ok, so I am dating Brynne, get the fuck over it we want to be together. I am not an asshole, I do not treat woman with disrespect out of seriousness, and I will never break a girl's heart for no reason. People that go and judge others without finding out who they are should be wiped off the face of the Earth, or at least from within any kind of communication with me.

Now my favorite quotes:
"You don't fucking know me so don't fucking judge me"
"Life's a bitch, get over it!"
"If you need the security of taking drugs, then you probably still need the security of your mommy" - hahaha <3 that one, one of my favorite quotes from my old psychiatrist
"When life hands you lemons, throw them bitches back and say 'Make your own damn lemonade!'"
"Live life as if everday could be your last, live it to the fullest, take a chance, take every chance, never let anything pass you bye." The one i live by
09:12 am

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.: Its that time again eh? :.
Shit has been so fucking awesome lately. Who cares that I got fired or that I haven't been to school in quite a few days. I'm so fucking happy with Brynne, working at Quizno's, and being friends with JR again. Ok down to serious now.

I have to say this and I know she will see it but I just never am able to say this up front. But I found out something the other night that's kinda big in the relationship I am in right now and its making my mind go back and forth about how I feel non-stop. At some points it seems like I feel the same and others I don't quite feel that strong but still close. I can tell for sure that soon I will feel the same. I just need to spend more time with my "wife" as she's being called lately.

P. S. Time to bust my ass with some grind shoes.
00:12 am

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.: Saturday, March 27th, 2004 :.
.: "Don't Belong" - Cold :.
My mind takes you to where you need to be
Cure for your heartbreak to take away the pain
I could describe each mistake for you
Tattoo it on my tainted heart

[Chorus]
well I won't ever tell the world
that I don't belong
Please don't ever tell the world
That I don't belong
That I don't belong

Can you still feel me or did I slip away
A sick man, a monster, broken still today
I can't explain what happens to me
Caught in the game I've always starred
I could describe each mistake for you
Tattoo it on my tainted heart

[Chorus]

Well I won't ever change my ways
and I can't be strong
That I don't belong

and it's my own shame
I can't break your ways

[Chorus]

Well I won't ever change my ways
and I can't be strong
please don't ever tell the world
that I don't belong
that I don't belong
that I don't belong
01:46 am


current music: Smile Empty Soul - Silhouettes

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.: I DONT FUCKING KNOW :.
I feel like i'm being pulled in a million directions. Just when it seemed as if I was perfectly fine something changes or I feel different. I FUCKING HATE WHEN THIS HAPPENS. I cannot deal with change, even when it's good. I had a great afternoon with the best girl I have ever been with but something seems odd. I feel like there are a million things I need to say to her but I cannot find the words to say. She's the best thing that has ever entered my life. how can I feel weird about it, I guess I am not used to someone who actually doesn't care about who I should be and cares about who I am. And on top of all of it she just wants to be with me and it does not matter wtf we do. I guess you could say I am definitely scared of love, of being with someone who is good for me, because I've never had that. I cannot stop thinking of her, every second of everyday she's on my mind. I miss her when I am not around and that's hard to do with a full time job and school...

Next subject, after spending a great night with my baby I went to iChester to see who was up there hanging out. Who do I run into? None other then JR, definitely the best friend I have ever had. I still do not know what really happened to our friendship or if it will ever be the same. I hope that we can put the past behind us and never cross that shit again. It feels odd to be hanging out with him again. I really hope that we can be friends again...

I think I need to get away from everyone, everything, right now. I cannot think straight. Will someone please give me some guidance, someone help with. I cannot deal with shit like I used to be able to...
01:37 am


current mood: crappy

current music: 3 Doors Down - Here With out you

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.: Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004 :.
.: Custom "Hey Mister" :.
Hey Mister I really like your daughter,
I'd like to eat her like ice cream
maybe dip her in chocolate

Hey Mister on your way to work
in your Volvo, suit, and tie
We'll, be crawling in your bed soon
messing around, maybe getting high

It's not what ya did,
It's not what ya didn't
God gave her a perfect body
and now I'm all up in it.

It's not she's a tramp.
It's not she's not pure.
She just likes getting her fuck on,
and its good one of that i'm sure

Hey Mister I really like your daughter.
When I'm horny like thirsty
She's a bottle of water.

Hey Mister how'd it get so bad
You raised her so well
and now she's calling me dad
in the back seat naked of a new Volkswagen
the perfect little gift for high school graduation.

It's not what ya did,
It's not what ya didn't
God gave her a perfect body
and now I'm all up in it.

It's not she's a tramp.
It's not she's not pure.
She just likes getting her fuck on,
and its good one of that i'm sure

Nana na nana na,
Nana na nana na,
Nana na nana na,
ha hahaha ha ha haha

I eat all the food in your fridge
Call my friends around the world
Rack up your long distance too
Breakstands neutral drops
Wreck all your cars
Drink all the booze in your cheezy ass wet bar
Order stuff on your credit cards
Leave boogers in the skippy jar
Smoke your cigars
Answer the phone tell your boss you moved to mars
When you call in late from work tell your wife
You're at the titty bars

It's not what ya did,
It's not what ya didn't
God gave her a perfect body
and now I'm all up in it.

It's not she's a tramp.
It's not she's not pure.
She just likes getting her fuck on,
and its good one of that i'm sure

I can't lie I have to tell the truth
My commandments says I'm a total spoof
Your daughter's a freak
Your daughter's a pro
When i'm done with her
She'll do one of your bros

I hope I'll never have a daughter
I hope I'll never have a daughter
I hope I'll never have a daughter
I hope I'll never have a daughter

Nana na nana na,
Nana na nana na,
Nana na nana na,
Nana na nana naaaaaaaa!
22:52 pm

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.: Monday, March 22nd, 2004 :.
.: school soon durrrrrrr :.
I am about to leave for school so I decided to make a post.

I'm currently working on an AAS degree at ECPI, it seems pretty easy. Enough of that...

BRYNNE!!! Things are going great with her, I guess it's time for this little man to fall in love again eh? I don't care, I just love to spend time with her, even though it isn't as much as I wish it was. who cares, its great :-D. I got to go... Brynne rox my sox.
16:24 pm

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.: Wednesday, March 17th, 2004 :.
.: BRYNNE!!! :.
BRYNNE ROX!!!!! WOOOO...my brynne not yalls...shes so hott
21:08 pm

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.: Saturday, March 13th, 2004 :.
.: sick again today... :.
the past few days have sort of sucked in the fact that I have been sick. GRRRRRR... It's ok though cuz I am having so much fun with Brynnez0rz. She's so great and we seem to have something good going. I am totally honest with her and I hope that she is being the same way. There is nothing I cant tell her and she can tell me anything. I don't seem to have much to say other then I'm finally happy :-D.
12:51 pm


current mood: giggly

current music: A Jackie Chan Movie

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.: Monday, March 8th, 2004 :.
.: Dead on the money :.
Horoscope:
You may find that you are quite sure of yourself and solid about many things, except for one: your romantic relations with others. When it comes to this area of your life, you may be feeling a bit unsure and inadequate at this time, dear Leo. It could be that you are feeling rather indecisive about how to proceed. Although there is a strong urge to take charge and let the fire burn hotter, there is also a tendency to slow things down and let others take the lead. Figure out your own needs before you make long-term plans with others.


I hate when they come out right :-\
02:15 am


current music: Evanescence - Everybody's Fool

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.: I would say a great night has passed :.
After I finally got off work I got cleaned up and went to hang with Brynne. Before I left I was told that people know she likes me. I have to admit I feel that way, but I do not know if at this point I could sustain a relationship. On top of that, I do not know if I could be with someone 2 yrs and 6 months younger then me :-\. I do not know how she really feels because she has only come out to tell me that it is best to be friends. Her entries make me wonder about who she thinks I really am, and dale kids aren't helping. I yet again find myself in the midst of high school bullshit and it isn't either of our faults as far as I can tell. I just for once in my life would like to know exactly what should, needs to, or is going to happen. This seems like a form of Romeo and Juliet syndrome, damn. It seems impossible but, hopefully, the two sides of it want it to. Dammit, I go back and forth all day and all night on whether not this should've happened at all. Even a huge friendship out of this would be awesome. I still know that I could not just hide how I feel, not with the person I am today. Please god, just let me know what to do...
02:03 am


current mood: confused

current music: blink 182 - i miss you (real)

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.: What shall I do? :.
Things have seem to have changed, I hear things that make me feel different from what I have said in the past few nights, actions wander around my mind all night, what shall I do?

I know about how everyone feels about this, and how I feel about this. But no matter what I cannot change how I feel. This is seemingly tearing me apart inside. I hate to have feelings for someone I cannot have, what can I do?

I beat myself over and over about what is going on. I have found the girl that I have been looking to find for years. Too many things are in the way though. Part of that from me, what will I do?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
01:54 am


current music: Three Doors Down - The Road Im On

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.: My mind lies blank... :.
It seems that I am going in 5 directions at once,
I can't think straight,
I don't know what to feel,
I think about this every night,
I wake with these feelings,
This wondering is too hard to cope,
I cannot hide what is going on,
I cannot avoid this,
What I feel cannot be changed,
Who I am will not go away,
I am only human,
What can I do?
01:50 am


current music: Hoobastank - The Reason

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.: Friday, March 5th, 2004 :.
.: Wow, a girl that I could actually be around 24/7 and not want to be with, odd? :.
Tonight I went up to iChester to hang with Brynne and play some comp gamez0rs, had like the best night in a long ass time. The weird thing about it is that it was not to hang with a girl I want to be with. Brynne is actually someone I can withstand, she thinks I'm funny and cool (of course still a loser). I got bored playing games so I wanted to go cruise and asked if she wanted to go, so I went to get gas and we just drove around talking about relationships and our past. It has been so long since I've talked to someone like that. I wished we could just talk all night long like that. Yet again, it has nothing to do with us trying to get together or anything like that, which is totally the opposite of what I have done in the past. I think I found me another lil sister. It was going great, but when we stopped at the library to keep talking her mom called and knew she won't at iChester. Errrr, that damn Jondawg got her caught. LOL, its okay though cuz her parents don't want to kill me :-D. I hope we get to hang out more, she's so much fun to hang with. more later, maybe after my long ass day at worky...peace
23:09 pm


current music: Evanscence - Bring Me To Life

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