So, I had yet another uneventful weekend. I'm not sure what time I left the room on Saturday, but I know that I didn't get back until at least 20 something hours later. I just wandered around mostly, finding random places to sit and drink, throwing myself a lovely pity party of one. When it got really late, or really early, I found one of those 24 hour shops. By then, I was pretty wasted and I had to piss like a race horse, so I went inside to thaw. There was an old guy working behind the counter that reminded me of my grandfather who passed away a couple years ago. He watched me for a minute and asked if I was in some sort of trouble or if I was lost. I simply shook my head and said, "if only it was that simple."
He directed me to the bathroom and I pissed and puked and felt pretty shitty when I came back out. The old man offered me a seat and a cup of hot coffee, which I accepted. The taste was really less than desirable, but I sipped at it anyway. He asked what I was doing out so late by myself, and I told him that I didn't really know why. I just couldn't stay still, couldn't be where I was supposed to be. Did I leave anyone behind that would be worried about me? No, I told him. No one would miss me.
I wasn't really looking for his sympathy, but he gave it to me anyway. We talked for a long time, and I don't know if it was the alcohol or just the conversation, but it almost felt like I was with my grandfather again. I had to stop myself a couple of times from calling him PawPaw.
I started getting into trouble after PawPaw died. I was closer to him than I am to either one of my parents, and I used to run away to his house all the time. He babied me, of course, because I was his first grandson, and no one ever did anything to hurt his grandkids. Even when I would get in trouble and he knew my parents were right, he would find a way to let me know that he was still on my side. And then he was gone, and I was left with no one on my side. I couldn't deal with that, so I freaked. Fucked myself up big time, and now I can't get out of that hole I've dug for myself.
Anyway. The old man gave me some food and shoo-ed me out when his shift was almost over. I thanked him and left. I don't really remember where I went after that. Everything else is just a blur, and the only thing that I can remember clearly is sitting in that shop. I do know, however, that I spent the rest of the day thinking about how PawPaw would be so disappointed in me if he could see me now, and that broke my heart.