Samual Johnston's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Samual Johnston [ website | Welcome to Hell ] [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[23 Jun 2003|09:46am] [ mood | contemplative ] He's really back. I ran into him the other night. It was... awkward, to put it mildly. I don't think there are words to properly explain how awkward the whole thing was, and if there are, I can't find them. There were some harsh words, a little anger, frustration. But there was also smiles and laughs. At one point, I looked at him and it was like we were back in our room, like nothing had changed, when in reality, almost everything has changed. It was good to see him again, though, despite everything. If we can manage to get our friendship back, I would be more than happy about that. Now if only I could get my focus on other things back... post comment

[16 Jun 2003|08:01am] [ mood | sleepy ] *wakes up slowly, groaning as he opens his eyes, blinking and squinting against the sun shining in through the blinds covering the window, sits up and rubs his eyes before sliding gently out of the bed, stumbling into the bathroom* *comes back out a few moments later, his eyelids still heavy, looks at the time, snorts, walking back to the bed, sliding back under the covers* *mumbles* Fuck class. *settles on his side, wrapping an arm around her sleeping form, closing his eyes again* 1 comment|post comment

[13 Jun 2003|12:46pm] ( OOC for Brittany, I hope you see this ) 2 comments|post comment

[10 Jun 2003|10:39pm] [ mood | confused ] I think I'm losing my mind. Seriously. Either that or I'm seeing things. I was coming back to the campus after grabbing some dinner, and I swear I saw him walking around one of the buildings. It was sort of dark and I blinked a few times, staring. I caught a glimpse of his profile and god. He looked just like Embry. But it couldn't have been him. Embry left. I stood there until he was out of my sight range, and I just. Shit, I haven't been able to think straight since. What if it really was him? What if he's back? Damn. post comment

[04 Jun 2003|01:36am] [ mood | sleepy ] It's sort of weird being home. My dad went to graduation and then he, Brittany, and I came back here the next morning. The two of them get along pretty well, which is a relief. My sister is off at camp, and my mom has been doing whatever it is that she does all the time. The four of us had dinner together tonight. Things being awkward is putting it lightly, but at least mom was civil. I couldn't ask for much more than that from her. Part of me doesn't want to go back to Dover, despite how lovely my home life can be. *rolls eyes* I guess I miss the freedom. I miss the space. I feel so confined there, so restricted, and that drives me nuts. At least I'll still have Brit when we go back. She will make it worth it, even if she doesn't realize it. We were supposed to go back tomorrow, but maybe we can stay another day or two, as long as mom continues to leave me alone. I don't even want to think about that right now, though. I don't want to think about much of anything, really. *looks over at the sleeping form in his bed, smiling to himself* I'd much rather sleep. post comment

[29 May 2003|09:44pm] [ mood | buzzed ] He's gone. He just... left. This morning his stuff was here, and when I came back to the room after class, his side was empty, like he'd never really been there at all. I barely saw him over this past week or so, we barely spoke to each other. It was pretty clear that he was avoiding me. But I didn't think it would end like this. I didn't think it would come down to just leaving without even saying goodbye. *licks over his dry lips, sighing softly, glancing sideways at the bottle sitting next to him* He was the first friend I made here, and for a long time, he was my only friend. We clicked. We had a lot in common. I was able to talk to him about things like art in a way that I was never able to talk to anyone else before. No one else understood or cared, but he did because he loved it, too. I don't regret the decision that I made, but I do wish things could have been different. I wish we could have remained friends. I wish I could have gotten the chance to say goodbye. post comment

[27 May 2003|12:07pm] [ mood | mellow ] Prom was... eh. School dances never seem to be all that exciting to me, I don't care what they're called. Brit and I stayed for a little while, and then we bailed. I reserved a room for us at a nice hotel for the whole weekend. We came back to Dover yesterday afternoon, even though neither of us wanted to, since it was a holiday and no classes. This was probably the best weekend I've had in a really, really long time. Brittany is wonderful, amazing. It was really nice being able to spend that time with her uninterrupted. I feel like we really got to know each other better and we connected more, and I was sort of sad when we left that room. I can't even put into words right now how great it all was and how great she is. I just realized that I'm graduating this weekend. Well, I should be. Wow. 3 comments|post comment

[19 May 2003|10:00am] [ mood | awake ] Tux is being sent. Dinner reservations have been made. Hotel room has also been reserved. Looks like I'm going to prom. Yeah, I didn't see that one coming either. 1 comment|post comment

[17 May 2003|12:15am] [ mood | annoyed ] ( small ooc note for Brit-shaped ) post comment

[13 May 2003|09:37pm] It hasn't really been surprising that every time I've gone into my room today, it's been empty. I guess it's better that way... at least for now. I mean, we live together. We can't avoid each other forever, and it's not like I really want to. I just... don't want to see him hurt or upset and know that it's because of me. At least it's over now, and I'm glad it is. No more. Game over, as they've both said. I went with my heart, and it wasn't as easy as it probably should have been. But I did it and I don't regret it. I have a girlfriend. Wow. post comment

[09 May 2003|10:53am] [ mood | blah ] I'm skipping classes today. I just don't feel like going. I might end up going to my art class this afternoon, but eh. We'll see. I miss her. My dad called me yesterday for the first time since I've been here. He wanted to know when the school year ends so he would know when to send a car to pick me up. Send a car. Not come up here himself, but send a car. Yeah. Whatever. I wish I didn't have to go home. 1 comment|post comment

[05 May 2003|11:22pm] [ mood | confused ] So, now they both know about each other. Why did things have to turn into this? A competition. I'm nothing to compete over. Nothing. I'm not worth this. God, I wish I knew what to do. 5 comments|post comment

[29 Apr 2003|06:38pm] [ mood | distressed ] I can honestly say I've never felt like this before. I have never felt completely divided down the middle, almost torn in two. Half of me wants to go in one direction while the other half of me wants to go in another. And right now, put together, I just want to run, but I can't. Not from this. I don't know which way is the right way, which way would be the best way to go. They're both appealing in their own ways, and they're both pretty much completely different. The only thing they really have in common is that they've both made me feel human again. I just don't know what to do. 4 comments|post comment

[26 Apr 2003|05:23pm] [ mood | contemplative ] Yesterday was one of the best days I've had since I've been here. Most of it was spent with Brit. It seems like I'm with her more often than not these days. I just really enjoy her company, and she never fails at making me laugh. But there needs to be some serious thinking done and probably soon. Major things need to be figured out. Usually, I'm a hard ass and I speak my mind. I make it a point to tell the truth and not sugar coat things for anyone. If people get hurt by things that I have to say, then well, I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do about that, but I'm not going to flat out lie just for the sake of someone else. Not that I set out to hurt people or get off on hurting people because I don't. I don't know, it's hard to explain really. But now, right now, it seems like I care more about someone getting hurt or disappointed than I ever have before. And it's just really strange to me. Hmm. Yeah. Not really sure what I'm saying anymore there. My birthday was alright. Got a big fat deposit into my bank account from my dad because you know, money just makes everything all better. I think I want to get a tattoo. 4 comments|post comment

[23 Apr 2003|09:14pm] [ mood | high ] I went to the post office during lunch today and I am so glad that I did. I had a package waiting for me from an old friend back home. It's so great when people owe you favors and they have really good connections because man. Only good shit can come from that. He hooked me up rather nicely, even sent me a new and better fake ID. Happy birthday to me. 8 comments|post comment

[22 Apr 2003|12:55am] [ mood | indescribable ] I lay low for a couple of days, and it seems like everything has changed. What the hell. 2 comments|post comment

[17 Apr 2003|07:17pm] [ mood | pensive ] When I was thirteen, I had to have surgery on my lower back. I was a skater punk. I lived in my blades or on a board, and not to yank my own chain, but I was pretty damn good. It didn't take me long at all to learn the tricks, and at the skate park, I had my own little following. Not that I wanted one or anything, but they were just sort of there. I was skating on a half pipe where one of the older guys was teaching me about doing flips. I'm not even really sure what happened, but on my second try, all I remember is landing on my back on the edge of the ramp. That was probably one of the scariest moments of my life. I had surgery that night, and the doctors weren't sure if I would be paralized or not. It was one of those wait and see sort of things. Luckily, everything turned out okay, but I stopped skating after that. And that's when my addiction to pain killers started. Pretty sad, huh? It's also when art replaced skating as my biggest passion. My grandfather bought me this huge art set, one of the really fancy ones with a wooden case so I would have something to do while I was stuck in bed or on the couch. He knew that I loved to draw, and he wanted me to persue that, so I did. I want to go to art school when I graduate, but I've slacked off so much this year that I won't be able to pull my grades up enough to go next year. I'm hoping I'll be able to transfer to one, maybe in the middle of my freshman year or as a incoming sophomore. I just know that I've got to do something with myself or I'll never survive. It's just sort of sad that I don't have that much motivation to do anything about it. 12 comments|post comment

[15 Apr 2003|11:26am] [ mood | curious ] Is a kiss really just a kiss? 7 comments|post comment

[15 Apr 2003|01:13am] [ mood | sad ] So, I had yet another uneventful weekend. I'm not sure what time I left the room on Saturday, but I know that I didn't get back until at least 20 something hours later. I just wandered around mostly, finding random places to sit and drink, throwing myself a lovely pity party of one. When it got really late, or really early, I found one of those 24 hour shops. By then, I was pretty wasted and I had to piss like a race horse, so I went inside to thaw. There was an old guy working behind the counter that reminded me of my grandfather who passed away a couple years ago. He watched me for a minute and asked if I was in some sort of trouble or if I was lost. I simply shook my head and said, "if only it was that simple." He directed me to the bathroom and I pissed and puked and felt pretty shitty when I came back out. The old man offered me a seat and a cup of hot coffee, which I accepted. The taste was really less than desirable, but I sipped at it anyway. He asked what I was doing out so late by myself, and I told him that I didn't really know why. I just couldn't stay still, couldn't be where I was supposed to be. Did I leave anyone behind that would be worried about me? No, I told him. No one would miss me. I wasn't really looking for his sympathy, but he gave it to me anyway. We talked for a long time, and I don't know if it was the alcohol or just the conversation, but it almost felt like I was with my grandfather again. I had to stop myself a couple of times from calling him PawPaw. I started getting into trouble after PawPaw died. I was closer to him than I am to either one of my parents, and I used to run away to his house all the time. He babied me, of course, because I was his first grandson, and no one ever did anything to hurt his grandkids. Even when I would get in trouble and he knew my parents were right, he would find a way to let me know that he was still on my side. And then he was gone, and I was left with no one on my side. I couldn't deal with that, so I freaked. Fucked myself up big time, and now I can't get out of that hole I've dug for myself. Anyway. The old man gave me some food and shoo-ed me out when his shift was almost over. I thanked him and left. I don't really remember where I went after that. Everything else is just a blur, and the only thing that I can remember clearly is sitting in that shop. I do know, however, that I spent the rest of the day thinking about how PawPaw would be so disappointed in me if he could see me now, and that broke my heart. 4 comments|post comment

[13 Apr 2003|12:07pm] [ mood | pessimistic ] I can make it to gradutation, I can make it to graduation, I can make it to graduation, I can make it to graduation, I can make it to graduation, I can make it to graduation, I can make it to graduation, I can make it to graduation, I can make it to graduation... Can I? 6 comments|post comment

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