Monsieur Alaska's Journal

2:28PM - Sink when you Get Close

Tie me to the Bedpost


Oiy vey
Oiy vey
Oiy vey, kids.

Did I break down to Mike? Yes. I'll admit it.
I have so many prejuduces against me.
- I'm a hella young manager
- I'm female
- I wasn't here when this place first opened

Does that give you right to condescend me? Oh no Sir.
Do you think I will join you in your piss contest? Not at all.
Just because Mike & I had the same ideas, it crawled up your ass because it wasn't you.
It wasn't you getting the attention.
It wasn't you with the ideas he liked.

-So you down me. Like I did something wrong changing your blueprints.

We were all brainstorming. Collectively.

fuck you.

-breathe-

Gah. Working with power hungry men, it's frustrating.

&oh so easily forgotten on the weekends.

It's not so much an intense look
It comes softly, wanting to speak
&content.
Above me, all over me
&your face in my hands
both our lips partly opened
&our breathing heavy
& we'll put our cheeks together
&move in rhythm
Slowly now
Intense then
-black out-
[You bring me to my knees]
I can't keep upright.

On the floor- &we are both out to win
& I do until
you cheat.
You can't pinch!
Still, I hold on tighter
Watching your face turn red
-UFC chokehold
-gets you everytime-
Inevitably, your mass overcomes
&I'm contorted in whichway ever
you could put me in.

I have the bruises to prove it

Sweet & annoying
Beautiful & tired
Charming & mean
Giving & rough

-The story of Us.

No, there won't be any regrets.
Even if in anger...
This is time well spent.

Even if I whimpered, I'm glad you didn't take me home.

"Do you like me?"
"I like you like you"
"Ditto"
"jolly good."

It'll be nice to be escorted to the Wine Gala with a handsome gentleman on my arm.
-The Tux & The Cocktail dress-


[Rest assured!]
I am the only one
like me//
Others can Fake it
But you
know what
you like
about me
&that cannot be Faked.


( Read more... )


I don't know how to explain the way my body
[gravitates to you]
The way I get shivers down to my lower back just by pressing up against you.
-&I hate it
Because that means
You've taken my gaurd down
It means-
You are capable of hurting me now
Even if I play cold & uncaring
My insides will squirm with discontent
&anxiety.

You've fought for me.
You've chased after me.
-You were willing to do anything-

&that means something to me.

I don't want to fall in love
I want to enjoy you
as much as possible
[This is the fun phase]
The honeymoon, if you will.
When nothing is too serious
& all is laidback.


&did you ever have to wonder?
Giving him up led him back to me




He's my boy so drunk he doesn't talk
&I'm his girl too sad to give a fuck

Comments: Rainy day .

1:02PM - Elton John, did ya know- [he's gay]

Oh.my.fuck. [It's like dejavu the way I keep seeing these things I've said being written again.] Hey hey hey hey hey bad drunks shouldn't try to communicate. Or use cell phones. Nonetheless, the rest of us had a fantastic time last night at Ian's. Oh. //let go- let go- there is beauty in the breakdown- It's really starting to piss me off y'know, when someone keeps bringing shit up like it's so inadvertantly. I'm not the only one ready to shut a mothafuckaaaa up. -You're the dumbass who brings a knife to the gun fight- It won't be a battle I feel good about winning when you're so pathetic. [The lot of you really] ntz ntz ntz Izzy's birthday today in Summahville. Pirate par-tay- eye patches-n-all. Lizz spent over 600 for this... What do you get a kid that is spoiled like that! He needs to be spoiled. He's only the best laid back chill awesome little dude ever. Happy birthday Izaac! Cameron&I will be taking shots in the bathroom lol booze-free party.[I think... My body feels like it's on X when you're through with me] What a great night despite. Ya'mean.


>>>EDIT<<<

This entry brought to you by my Blackberry!

It doesn't let me
space
like
this.
So it's all jumbled.

&for the record...

Comments: 1 smile - Rainy day .

3:28PM - Thundercats A-GO!

Dear Blurty,

Why is it the people who claim to loathe me most- feed off of me & my style =[

It's really annoying
&mostly creepy
To see how I write, the things I say & the symbols I use
all used in the same format in someone elses blog.
& For some odd reason, these people all go after my most loved band.
They all suddenly like Radiohead.

Writing is all I got, so I get kinda, I don't know- maniacal about it.


I've seen it happen- on count now- three[3] times.
BLURTY do you remember Leiren?!
Yeah yeah it's like that but with words instead of clothes/pictures/music.

Maybe you should go back on Private, friend.

wtf yo
get up off my grill
homes

le sigh

Mimicry is the sincerest form of flattery

I feel like taking a bow, raising up & cocking a pistol & yelling "Cock suckaaahhss!"
-insert "The Scat Man" song because I get background music for being teh awesome-

OH YOU GUYS
Despite this insane dizziness, I'm having a great sort of day.
I've been either Insanely nice or Insanely pretentious&mean to people today.


Mmm, I wonder how many times self-entertainment has got me into trouble.
I bought a jug of Sunny D for work & I've been Juno-ing that mother for a few days now.
That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet

wups. Edit later
I have an interview to do
ntz ntz


>>>

*I just did my first interview as manager! w00t.
I really like this girl & she's hot & so not shy.
&she laughed at my teabag joke so she's a keeper//

Me:: Dude, she's hot.
Ryan [resturant mgr]::: Ehh, she's good looking
Me:: I'd bone her.
Ryan:: ...

Y'know
I'm feeling Juno today.
Oh quote time

Juno MacGuff: Uhhh, I hate it when adults use the term "sexually active." What does it even mean? Am I gonna like deactivate some day or is it a permanent state of being?


Leah: But you know, boys have endured worse things for nookie.


Juno MacGuff: No, I heard you. I just, like, don't want to give the baby to a family that describes themselves as "wholesome". Well, I don't know, I just want something a little more edgier.
Leah: Okay, well what did you have in mind?
Juno MacGuff: I was thinking more, like, graphic designer... mid thirties, you know, with a cool Asian girlfriend who, like, dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar. But I don't want to be too particular.


Bren: Well, honey, doctors are sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream...

& my favorite convo in the movie::

Leah: Yo Yo Yiggady Yo.

Juno MacGuff: I'm at suicide risk.

Leah: Juno?

Juno MacGuff: No, it's Morgan Freeman. Do you have any bones that need collecting?

Leah: Only the one in my pants...

Juno MacGuff: I'm pregnant.

Leah: What? Honest to blog?

Juno MacGuff: Yeah. Yeah, it's Bleekers.

Leah: It's probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?

Juno MacGuff: No, this is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.

Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That's amazing...

Juno MacGuff: I don't know, I drank like, ten tons of Sunny D... Anyway dude, I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly cavalier.

Leah: Is this for real? Like, for real for real?

Juno MacGuff: Unfortunately, yes.

Leah: Oh my GOD. Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand!

Juno MacGuff: There we go. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.


[OHOH]
Wow this mood.
Fantastic.

I told Cameron I would bone the new girl.
Cameron:: Bone her with your finger.
Me:: With my tongue homo
Cameron:: Who's a homo
Me:: Homo says what?

Ah dizzy dizzy still.
Maybe the hangover
Maybe sickish

FUCK inventory Sunday.
Today, credit wine club.
Tomorrow Brad Hutto Catering thing.
Friday, wine give away
Everyday COFFEE SHOP STRESS PLANNING
&the fuckjerks at IGF sent me the applewood cheddar when I said no, no, no.
&I already ordered it from Atlanta.
That's awholelotta cheddah bebeh

There is heresay that Zeus wants to put me on salary...
mmmNOSIR.
Do you know what that means kids? They can work me like a dog & I still get paid the same.
Granted, I'll be making probably $35k a year.
As opposed to my $32.
[rich rich rich]
Suggah momma

I feel like my old self today & yesterday.
Which means I'm volatile so don't fuck with me//har har har

So, my old best friend from middle school til... eehh a few years ago
Had her baby
&it's strange to think of her as a mom.
Like,
really fecking strange.
Sincerely...
it's scary.
The poor kid [honestly]

LMAO
This just in

Old guy Mike Weeks wants to be my suggah daddeh yeah
Always pesters me
He just left
&his last words were
"Tell your boyfriend to get a life"
buwhaha

Weeks:: "I have a huge house & no one to live in it with me. & a lot of money to spend on no one"
This guy is bloody rich, too.
He tipped me $20 once.
[We don't do tips here.]
Whatevs/gas&cigs homie.

So seriously, this shit is getting to me.
Like my throat is fucking bleeding from words being taken from my bowels of creativity.

Mom had a good theory.
chyeah
That's suicide, I said!

OIY VEY

So, I bought this book of the world's best quotes- & it's hilarious&awesome&I'm ganking quotes
for epic BURNS

New Palahnuick book tonight, excitement.
I want to rape his literature.

I hate you aaaallllll
=]
nah, I love ya.
JAY
I wanna come hang in chucktown with you&Camtoe

Dude, I busted out the old chucks yesterday.
Take.me.back.
Fucking Cameron & Ryan drew & wrote all over them.
hot.
So yeah, I rocked 'em.
Cameron&I went to the bank to shoot pool
&unbeknownst- get drunk as well, lol.
That wasn't planned.
It was the tequilla.
I think... it was a FAKE IT'S A TRAP
it was horrible.
firefirefire.
Jose would have treated me better, always doesmmm

I am a picture
How do you want me?

This shit will fuck you up

Hokay.
Enough with this.
BLAH

Stephanie's Advice Corner
Amongst friends, when you go out expecting to get wasted-
keep your phone on lock-down where you cannot get to it
or you'll just forget it as the booze settles in your tummy.
Watch that 30mins! BLAM


Oh honey, honey
I love when FullMoon club memebers don't pick up their wine!
That's a btl of Turley, Clio & mmmmPaul Hobbs for meh.
That's roughly almost $200 in wine O_O
I almost feel wrong taking itnnnnaaaaaaahhhhh
ha




Hey baby, take a walk on the wild side.

Comments: 1 smile - Rainy day .

1:55PM - Is the silence deafening?

Just amazing.

My hands, they constantly shake.
My entire body feels off... anxious,
It trembles.

Doctor, what have you done to me?

Of course, I went the entire day without a cigarette with not one notion about it.
Yet,
I did not ask for that.

It takes two hands to put on make-up. One to apply, the other to hold that hand steady.
Sleep? I constantly wake up during the night. Atleast once for every hour.
However, I wake up early & I don't feel tired.

That's a good sign the medicine will work.

orly?

Walking helps, I found last night.

&this coffee shop.
hang.me.now.

I am a manager, not an interior designer.
Or architect.
Yet, I'm expected to have furniture & a basic layout for the coffee shop.
Ridiculous?
mhm.

I want to keep my job so I will try.

Of course, I have this inkling I will be working 12-15 hrs a day.
just.shoot.me.

For some reason, hiring help is pushed to the side. Thanks.
I'm so micromanaged it's fucking stupid.

In other words kids, wait in anticipation for the big move of Four Moons Wine & Gourmet [& Coffee!]
The coffee shop across from us closed. It's a much bigger space, so we're buying it.
We'll have couches & blahblhablah.

I have sorts of ideas. I want to get a projector & have one wall painted white & then have these old films playing on it all day in the background. Black&white, old french stuff etc. Here's looking to you kid.

I want to sell books too, the old classics. &magazines you can't get in stores.

I also want 4 other employees.

hmph.

Cameron&I totally depressed ourselves at NBT. We got to talking about life & living here & feeling stuck. & if what we're doing... well, it isn't what we want to do for the rest of our lives. We looked at each other like, "God, please let's change the topic." -insert MK-

I woke up super early this morning & walked into the living room only to see a naked Cam lying on the floor playing on the computer. It was one of the moments I had to question if I was still sleeping & having a vivid dream. But no, I was indeed awake. Good morning Sunshine!

It's been fun hanging out with that kid. The day we went to the zoo, we also went & got sushi at this new place on Harbinson. I cant exactly remember the conversation but I replied to something he said with, "Dude, I'm not even your girlfriend" to which he replied, "Well, you can be." I didn't reply.
He's def. won some of my trust back, but believe you me I am still on gaurd.
If he can crash one or two more walls, I think I might just have to give in.
[only time will tell]

I'm comfortable around him now. &it seems that should be means to worry.
Isn't it always?

But see, I don't worry anymore over this.
So it's nice to just be.
&the best thing in the world, is when I'm lying in bed next to him & he wraps his arm around me to drag me into him & just holds me until we fall asleep.
Sometimes, during the night I'll hide my face in his chest to sleep.
Sometimes, during the night I'll get super cold & shiver uncontrollably. Then I'll feel warm arms cover me & body heat sets in.
Or when I wake up because I hear a voice saying, "You're beautiful."
Or when I wake up to hands turning my face into a kiss.

It's these things that have me staying around.
'cause I think, yeah maybe, he likes me.
Going through all this trouble would seem like
a waste of time otherwise, eh?

I don't care how this turns out. The fact is, it happened.
&it was good.
real good

I can say confidently, that this endeavour will not be regretted-
No matter should we stop seeing one another.
He was a friend before he was a lover

A lot of stress & anxiety has been alleviated since I've stopped concerning myself with third parties or what-if's etc. Once again, I.can.just.be.

[gazpacho anyone?]
mmm


I've been losing weight like crazy. I can take my pants off without unbuttoning them XD My appetite has gone to shit. Even when I do eat, I'm not really hungry. Such is a side effect to Welbutrin// I was told I could quit smoking cold turkey after 8 days of taking it.
Once again, I did not ask for all that.
My cigarettes taste funny now.
Makes my tongue feel fucked.
Thanks, doc.

I'll be super pissed if all this weightloss takes a toll on my great NewYork boobs, lol.

I currently have bitchin' hair. Too bad red fades so quick =[
I think Cameron is waiting in anticipation for me to go back to my natural hair colour- Blonde.
[Ahem. That stays in Blurty, got it kids?]
Everytime I mention dying my hair he'll remark something about just letting my hair grow out.
Eww roots!
I would have to pay $80 to get my hair stripped again.
Besides, I'm waiting for my hair to be back it's normal length from years ago before I go back blonde.
Nostalgic.

Just amazing.

everything.

y'know.

This is me for now. &this skin I'm in is kinda itchy.
Soon enough, it will shed & God knows what next.
Hellfire.

I've been having wicked day dreams. Literally wicked.
You would think I was an angry person,
the way I thought about grabbing someone by the hair
&smashing their face into a corner of a counter.
Continuously.
Or the way I thought about yanking someone out of their car
&slamming their hand in the door
&then rearranging their face with my fist.
This made me realize,
my Black-list is kinda extensive.
Y'know, for someone like me.

I would love to spit in someone's face right now. [lol wtf]

[gazpacho anyone?]

I left my beautiful Etnies in GA with mah family on Tybee Island =[
hmmm, knee high Chucks?
maybe.

-no we do not sell pommegranite syrup.

It's fucking cold in this store. What's the meaning of this!
&how the fuck could I've been conned into $213 worth of receipt paper!
Gah! Touche Telemarketer
w/ your lies, just devious.


TrueBlood tonight? Maybe? Hopefully?

ChecktheRed

Vanity while Cameron ab lounges lol

This made me go through my old photobucket waahhh
Fred&I were THE cutest, most adorable couple evah =D [ & photogenic] Good times!
http://s35.photobucket.com/albums/d168/_wicked_child/Four%20Month%20Anniversray/


Off is the direction inwhich you should go Fuck//

Comments: Rainy day .

2:24PM - Finish him//Flawless victory

You were my compass
Leading me to nowhere fast
Promises were lonely roads
I followed you down like a map





( Read more... )

Comments: Rainy day .

4:24PM - Strange Condition

Time is of no matter here//
Forget growing out of it.
I once thought I would.
I was just a rebellious, unhappy teenager.
I thrived off that shit.

I don't want it anymore.
I'm tired.






Disheartening diagnosis.

Well, actually-

there was no definite fucking diagnosis because I have so much going on ["apparently"] Doc doesn't know how to treat me.


So try this.


Fuck dude.
Really.

All this told me was I am the same as I have been since I was 13.
Nothing healed.
Nothing changed.
I just became a pro at supression.

&"apparently", that is unhealthy.


I'm told there will be homework.
&work in general.
Because there are things even medication cannot fix.

OK
Did you not hear a damn word I said about motivation?
That it practically does not exist?
That it takes deadlines & a gun to my head to get me to do anything?
That I would rather sleep for a fucking year
than have to keep my eyes open one more second?
Did you not hear, Doc.

& "apparently" I have a drinking problem.
I self medicate.
& "apparently" that too, is unhealthy.

I'm not pissed.
Really.
Kinda but unjustly.

I'm... disappointed.
I don't want to hear this shit.
Then why did I go?
I have no fucking clue.
I expected some immediate cure.
A miracle.

I'm kinda leaning towards forgetting I ever went and continue being unhappy in my skin & just repress&supress.

I'll deal with the bad times when they come.
When they hit like a fucking brick wall.

I'll make it out of this alive, I'm sure.

"Apparently" I have major self-esteem issues.

"Apparently" I have mild ADHD.

Suredly, I have manic depression.

HEY GUYS,

fun fun fun!

Doc asked if I sometimes do extreme things without thinking.
I got wide-eyed, "Why would you ask me that?"

Does he know I almost killed me & my friends?
Does he know I shanked a friend in the leg?
Does he know I kicked someone in the back at the bar because they wouldn't move?

>>Oh, it's all apart of your condition.

Does this just give me an excuse?

Why am I blurting this all out....

fuck.

I.am.Ok.


It just gets tight in here sometimes.
&I've learned to manage.
Sorry if it leaks out sometimes [speaking to a couple of you]
It happens.

Whatever.

Now...

do I go back?

I'm suppose to buy this book & read the first 49 pages repeatedly until I memorize it, lol.

Oh- & don't forget to take your meds.

Come on.

Forget I cried
This is a farce.
A crock of shit.

I need a drink.

[LOL that was a joke...]
LAUGH


Wii bowling tonight should take my mind off things.

I've decided- if this really is a decision- FUCK IT.

I have fun with him. We get along. Whatever happpens, I'll deal with it then.
Hey, this sounds like when we first met.
Square one- story of my fucking life.

I'm not getting excited about this.
Just going with it.
I'm curious, as I've said,
to see what happens.

I like him, so what the hell.

I'm 22, they will come
&they will go.

I hope he doesn't go too soon, though
Or rather, I hope I don't have to go too soon-
which totally relies on him.

Maybe, we won't have to go anywhere.
Whatever the fuck that means.
I'm just tired.
So fucking tired.

My psyche is worn out.

I just don't care anymore,
in general.

I agree with Sarah, everything is ugly.
Everyone, everything
all around
Ugly.

But I'm too tired to care.

&it does cheer me up to see him.
As much I hate to admit I have any sort of emotion towards him,
I do.
Not much, but enough to make me want to hang out.
It pisses me off I can't help but even think about giving this another shot.

I wish I hated people so much, I was a recluse.
&lived off the state's money.
With my cats.
Lots of cats.

Can you order groceries online?
BLAH

Comments: 2 smiles - Rainy day .

5:45PM - The antithesis of restraint

Uh God...


It's clockwork.

It's so fucking uniform.

It's my M.O.


[No one to blame but myself from here on out]

I'm disgusted
&I'm lusting

I'm pissed
&I'm flattered



Tell me-
How to completely disappear-


Why these pretty words? Why,
the time spent?
Why why
When you're just going to lie//


It's best you learn
[I want to fight, I want to fight-
I want to prove I'm right.]

Here I go again-
Ignoring my best intuitions

For all the suffering & sacrificing I've been through
to learn the things I have
To experience all the heartache
to make me who I am-
I.still.don't.listen

Instead I'm found,
stand-offish & cold
but still,
next to you.
Nonetheless.
However.
Although.


But you write such pretty words.
Love's no story book.
Love's an excuse to get hurt.
&to hurt-
do you like to hurt?
I do I do
[Then hurt me]


&it's not that I'm placing trust.
No.

This is a matter of-

my body feels amazing when it's against yours.
&I like to laugh
&I like to kiss
& it's comfortable.

//The safety of your vicinity


Fuck.fuck.fuck.


The intentions were wise
for a selfish means
&I am all about the destruction of myself


Emotional pain reminds me
I am capable
of healing
&
well fuck,

it helps me write.


Lay it on me, charming&devious.
I'm a glutton for torture.


Really,
I just want to sleep.
I want nothing to happen.


This is a set-up
&I am
happly to oblige.


What good is lying to prevent hurting someone?
That's the most fucked logic-
in the long run
It's going to hurt worse.
False hope.

Unless, you're keeping options open
Just.Incase.

Well then,


I call you a coward.


-Who's going to let go first-

[Let go]
-Let go-
There is _beauty in the
Breakdown


It's funny,
I could say all the same things.
I'm starting to like you-

Comments: Rainy day .

5:19PM - I feel like swimming in your apathy as a kind of parody

I'm impressed.


No, no- with me.

Thank you.


Listen, words can mean so much-
&so, so very little when trust-
well, it hardly exists.

&you say,
you can follow through.
&I hear,
"It's inconvenient right now."

&you say,
You're beautiful.
&I hear,
"you're convenient right now."

I'm not holding anything against anyone. Trust me.
Take advantage of this certain apathy that's-
not plagued me
but blessed me
these past few weeks.

Curious where this will lead.
If anywhere.

Curious if you'll work for what you gave up.


I've played with the thought of an email.
&quickly dimissed it with an overwhelming thought of-
uh, I don't really care.

But, I did tinker with some secret alliance we could form,
almost a lilith-fair type deal-
burn our bras
&fuck the male race over.
Don't mistake a vagina for weakness
&a tool to use at your disposal.

Honestly,
I just don't want to be involved.

The act of disappearing.
The process of forgetting.


&you.
Oh fucking you.
I'm just so curious.
&that alone is dangerous.


Advice Corner
You can't be in love with your fuck buddy.
It's grounds for disappointment & pain.
Try it. It's an experience if anything.

I should start doing that every entry.
Stephanie's Advice.
Learn from my mistakes, regrets & misery.

I looked into the Peace Co. today...
I got that itch.
Ad-fucking-venture.

Doing anything on my own seems a long shot with my current situations.
I couldn't even go to Chicago the passed two times.
Besides, I loved missionary work.

Fuck, I really miss Chicago

If I had any assurance- I would run like hell
&wouldn't even look back to tell all of you to go fuck yourselves.


>>I seemed to have wore out my welcome, of course-
I was just using you.
Not to be mean but because I needed you.
I apologize, oh so sincerely, for having put you out.
Really?
Cheer the fuck up.
&learn to say no
if I'm such a bother.

Tomorrow- it begins.
Tomorrow- the restrictions shed themselves&&
I'm sailing away.
Back into the comfort of my world,
shackle free
&I will rely on no one.
Wherever I may roam.
It won't be as reliable-
but it sure as hell gives me means.

If everyday is a glimmer of who you will eventually grow into-
I think I'm making progress. Little by fucking little.

I'll be 23 soon.
&I won't yours very long
with the demeanor & intentions
you choose.

Listen,

it will happen again.


I know.


So don't you worry you're little head.
This is just the beginning.
Don't wait around,
but that soldier will come
back from war
needing a familiar face admist
all the hell he got himself into.
&from your window,
you'll think he's a ghost.
No, no- you won't be sleeping alone that night.
&then,
the world calls again
&he will make his departure-
&something will seem very familiar to you.

It's up to you.
It was up to me.

Doesn't matter how smart a girl is//
Love
&needing to be wanted
makes us do some real
stupid things.

I would love to place blame.
But I broke my own heart.
Despite all the pretty nothings he whispered
The charming plans & dates
The love we made at night
&how softly he kissed my neck-
I knew better,
but ate it up & got myself high.

Guys,

they love to have their cake & eat it too
&they will put up with us just enough [w/ lies]
to get it.

&I served it on a silver platter.

Never again.

I've become to like myself just a little over the years to have some sort of dignity.
Stripped only a couple insecurities to show only a mist of respect.

I guess it doesn't much matter, though.
No guy will ever have such a hold on me as that kid did.
I honestly don't think anyone else in this world would have the patience he did with me.
&it certaintly does not hurt my feelings.


I'm happy.


&I can only be made happier.


By all means.

Comments: 3 smiles - Rainy day .

11:55AM - Amends.

Why is it guys always try to have their cake & eat it too?


Why is it girl's let them?

>>This is such a fucked situation, I still haven't stopped laughing.

I mean really

Neither of us can be mad,
so why can't you find this as funny as I do?

What is there to process?
&why is it I'm over it so quickly
& you seem to be having issues over something?
You're so funny.

So many questions. Mainly rhetorical.

Last night was unexpected yet I saw it coming.

I'm sorry if I'm coming off as a bitch.
I told you, I can be myself now.
The self that doesn't have to worry about you anymore.
But gosh, you're just too cool not to keep around as a friend.
We make a good pair of those, I think.





It feels real good to be back, kids, real good.



It's good to have an audience.
Hey guys!


I just don't care about anything anymore except work.

I've been feeling pretty damn free spirited.


I'll probably delete this here shortly. It's just out of place for blurty.


That was a hell of a ride!


Can I tell a secret?
I knew it wasn't going to work.
But I really did like him.
&I tried to fool myself. But you can never do that for too long.
He is a great guy, one of those that you know would take care of you
no matter what.
It seems we were from two very different worlds.
&he has a lot of baggage I'm just not willing to take on.
He was a great idea.

& not that he ever would,
but if he fought for me-
I'd take him back in a heart beat.

So it goes.

Comments: Rainy day .

4:12PM - RedFlag

I guess this is what they call a dead end//

From here on out, it'll all be redundant.


I feel crowded even when I'm alone.


A slip of appeal & a dimmering lust.
&it's a disaster.

Oh, I've got my thoughts.

Is it time to bail ship?
Let this one hit the rocks alone.
Surely,
I'll see this to the end.
Keep my M.O.

&off to the doctor with me.
Let's medicate baby.
Again.

&it only gets worse, y'know.
This does not heal with time.
But I've become so good at this supression deal,
let the monsters lie dormant.

They sink&swim until they find a way to shore.
&here we are,
back at square one.

The world's got me dizzy again.
You'd think after 22yrs. I'd be use to the spin.
&it only gets worse if I stay in one place.
So I'm always pacing around
or walking away.

My whole ideals in regards to hybernation-
I think it might hold an answer.

Today.
The anxiety got a bit more worse than usual.
So these pills they give me to sleep,
well,
they're an antidepressant/anxiety pill first & foremost.
down down down down
&now I feel
not anxious
but that good old zombie-like
motion.
Sqaure one.

It's hard to keep yourself hidden when these things want to overwhelm.
It's frustrating.
Hidden, well I mean from the person you're with everyday.
The person you don't want to see these problems.
Oh, they know about the institute & the doctors & the past.
But you never really know until you witness first hand, yeah?
New ball game.
&how much longer would you stay around?

How much longer are you staying around anyhow?


Bipolar means fucking easily influenced.
BAM.
Mood change.
Bam.
another.
BAM.
&so forth&so on.
I hate people have the unknown control over me.
I have to fight it.
Daily struggles.
Who doesn't have 'em?
Fuck, let's just add on to 'em.

I need a lawyer.
So someone will be on my side.
HA.

It's no mystery. So why the clues?

You are-

another Fred.

But Fred would have been home for a special dinner.
He would have made love to me afterwards.
&he would have held me.
&thought about someone else.

You see how these things work now?
People are good with games.

Oh, you have us all fooled.
But I'm not stupid.
Call it intuition.
Call it paranoia.

Suck it Trebeck

Comments: 2 smiles - Rainy day .

2:43PM

No more private.

I figure,

I've got nothing to hide.

It's been years, fuck it.
Blurty, be free!

Oh so much to write, for another time.







game on.

Comments: 4 smiles - Rainy day .

12:40PM

If it's not one thing, it's another.

Something about this world that just doesn't want you to be happy.
The world, you know, uses people to interfere.


The world just doesn't shut up
&it never stops.
A point to take note.

So, let's do us all a favor
&shut up sometimes.
&be happy for others.
Instead of being so hell bent on ruin.
I would like to commend you,
instead of having to ignore you.

Comments: Rainy day .

11:29PM - I'm burning like a bridge for your body

[I'm sinking like a stone in the sea]




I cannot be poetic at the moment.

But I can be blunt.

I couldn't sleep last night.
I was in cold sweats.

First night alone in my bed in a few days.

Now,

he's only a few feet away. .



&I think,

I will sleep heavy tonight.

Because,

I shouldn't be so insecure.

& I should only listen to my heart
[&my mother]


&when I listen to what matters-

I'm happy.

Who cares what they say?

You can't stop it.

I'll get my red flag, if there ever is one. [&the better for it now, than then.]

But for now,

Things are...

not perfect-

but just as close as.

"Better to have loved&lost"


than be miserable.

&I am far from.

It's time for bed... only 'cause
I hate wasting anymore time
not being next to him.


&I'm not ashamed.

Comments: 1 smile - Rainy day .

3:44PM - &the common ground I search for, falls from under me.

So this is life, eh?

I feel estranged from Blurty anymore. I was more or less carefree when I used to come here.
I remember when I first opened this up.

Nostalgic place to be.

Now, I'm working 40+hrs
Even on my days off,
it's a good chance I'm working
for no pay.

There's no time for imagination anymore.
A void of creativity.
I can't read. I can't write.
I can't paint.

Forfeit.

&a former life washes away.

Fuck, so much has changed.

So this is life, eh?


I wonder how much more life will change as I get older.
How many more times I'll find myself thinking,
"Fuck, so much has changed."


That's all.
I need to do some work.
Thank God inventory is over.

This transition into management is not easy.
Picking up where Summer left off.
Where she checked out mentally
&left all these loose ends I'm expected to find&tie.

Great, the spike to my earring is missing.

Comments: 7 smiles - Rainy day .

5:31PM - A boy so drunk he doesn't talk.

Not with Fred anymore.

&I AM the store manager.

Byyaaahhh.

I want to go dancing.
I want to go to the lake with Cameron.
I want to sleep.
I haven't done that shit in ages.
I want a great glass of wine.
I'll be doing that tonight.
Constant cabernet// look it up mmmmmmmm
I want to go to Canada in June.
But really, I want sleep.
&those arms around me.

Cologne is a drug.
&I like to get high.

SALO IS A FUCKING FANTASTIC FILM HOLY MOTHER OF THE LITTLE LAMBS
I wouldn't recommend you watch it, though.
It's not for the faint of heart.

Comments: 11 smiles - Rainy day .

4:26PM - We don't just heal, we destroy.

I can't write in blurty...

I am at work currently & thought I'd make a post of reason-of-absence.

I have no internet at home & that is only place I feel comfortable updating.
I can concentrate. Have a glass of wine. Listen to choice music & allow whatever emotion to consume me.
Were I to do that at work, it would all be okay except the most important part- letting my emotion manifest.
I would fear for my customers.

Blah blah blah
Training to make the step from assistant manager to store manager at FMW&G.
Intense.

I'm back with Fred.

My car wrecked but I have fixed it.

I got a raise.

I saw All That Remains & Killswitch Engage finally.

I drink a lot.
A lot of wine.

My ex-boyfriend from only a couple of months ago is already engaged to someone he's dated for a month.

Another ex from years ago is married.

I own nice shoes now.

I met Matt Frasca, a long time friend from Canada.

I had the cops called on me for completely not legit reasons.

I got my mom a job as the accountant for Four Moons since her entire department at the bank was laid-off.

I painted a picture. &used glass.

I've read over 8 books since my last post.

Chuck Palahnuik is now apart of my favorite authors.
This includes Kurt Vonnegut & Albert Camus.

I've let my hair grow out... -cringe-

I'm looking for a place to live & call home.

I don't want a room mate. It's settled.

Still smoking too many cigarettes.

Fantastic.


Cheers, kids.

Comments: 9 smiles - Rainy day .

5:46PM - It's a relative matter, Sonny. You're here, but my mind is gone.

It's hard to tell anymore what I want.

Peace, really.

It all kind of boils down to neither. The better or the worse of the two.
Better off betting nil.

Work has been somewhta chaotic today. Although, 8 bottles free wine makes the day a little more worth it.
I don't drink Chardonnay, but I'll take those $80 bottles.

Wouldn't you?

Christmad gifts.

scratch.

My state of mind lately has been quite novel.
Not really stressing.
Not happy.
Not upset.
Nothing really. Calm.
I'm not taking my meds either, so it's not a zombie crash feeling.
It's hard to explain.
Maybe because I'm exhausted right now.

Fred took me to lunch today. I hadn't been to Fatz in sometime. Since the 'no smoking' law came into effect, I haven't really cared to.

The store is finally peaceful.
Christmas music softly playing in the background of all the aisles of gourmet
& me.
There is still a lot to be done,
but let me breathe for a second.

I really do love my job.
Summer & I ate cookies galore today. Cookies we will be selling.
We also ate cookie dough.
&wine.
&cheer, ha.

Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment. I have to get a biopsy due to some irregular cells.
Cancer?
Doubt it.
Hopefully then I can schedule my IUD appt. Hoping hoping hoping they let me get it considering I'm not a wed mother.
IUD = vaginally inserted 5 year birth control, for wondering minds.

Christmas is going to be here so sososo soon. I need to get shopping.
So much that needs to be paid for.
Bills.
&that $170 ticket...

I need to finish my painting. But my books have taken hold of my attention in my alone/home time.
I can't just read one book.
It's crazy.
It feels like so many lives are going on at once in my head.
Somewhere we meet.
But otherwise...

I have a box full of spices for Mike. I can't wait to give them to him. He'll be so happy. &then he'll cook&make my belly the happiest in the world. MMM-mmm

Goodnight kids.

Comments: 16 smiles - Rainy day .

1:21AM

A long day for a long tomorrow-

& with it 6'd5_321//

You're lying in bed, I'm sure.

You'd like I be there, I'm sure.

&youyouyouyou
still think there is a hold on me

I'm sure.

Well,

there is kid.
B/u/t
I know how to say no now
&walk on by
I take what I have
as enough
& not worry so much
Because I'm involved in worse
Could you cry?

I won't find out//
I like you laughing.


Red wine with a salmon dinner,
you shorten my breaths
&keep my intrigued
Will there be a game soon?
A lock-box
with a note,
"Fooled ya"

I question whether you have given up on that... Then again,
you said, "It will be when you have forgotten about it."

... I stay on my toes for another slit-wrist night of red dye
&a job not lost.

I like you.

I love you.

I love you, too.

But I don't like you so much. Kind of.

It's twisted.
&in the end, it will be a lesson for myself.

Oh, how exciting.

Hey Mister, will you be around?

Comments: Rainy day .

10:30AM - Birthday Special~

Fred's birthday tomorrow.
He'll finally be 18 & we can all forget how I took a kid's virginity, har har.
I couldn't find what I wanted for him.
So, I took the easy route.
He wants me to go to the strip club with him&the boys.
But eerrrr... I don't want to be the girl in the guys night out.

So Happy Birthday Love!
Here's to you on your day tomorrow.
To my never having to buy your smokes again =P

Fred is a funny sort.
To think I really know him still makes me question.
He's been brutally honest with me, cried with me.
I've seen him at his worst.
But on a day to day basis, he's closed.
Honestly though, if it's one thing I've learned from him is that there really isn't much thinking going on his head.
All the years of asking, "Tell me something."
It's a battle for him, heh.

It's nights when the spirits pulse our veins
&he wraps those gigantic arms about me
&tells me things he'd dare never confess to others
&softly whispers, "I love you Stephanie"
I know I have a love for life.

& not the love you marry, no sir.
But a love so fucking real&true
With depth drowning a world
&complete naked emotion.
You don't wed that love,
you hold on to it.
You treasure it in the secret most places of a soul.
&you hold it in cupped hands,
dazzling eyes
&admire it.
I doubt to ever find a love of this kind again.
Fred&I.

&that is our only explanation.
It's Fred&Stephanie.
It's Fred.
It's Stephanie.
We are a cirlce.

We've parted.
&danced
&fought
&fucked
&loved&laughed
&parted again
We've questioned the role of God in how we always remain in one another's lives
or come back//
We cannot rid of one another.

&who wants to?

Fred B. Hopkins
Heres&cheers to you//
I love you so sincerely

I think we finally understand one another now
Without my anger
&your weakness//

We can just love
&be comrades

2 1/2 years ago
"No matter who I'm dating, they will have to accept you Fred. Because I'm always going to cuddle with you like this.

It's funny...

How I've chosen you
&you've chosen me
over so many guys&girls.
How many have we broke up with
to run back to the other?

Yeah, it's funny.
Because it's you
&it's me.
Fred&Stephanie



Happy Birthday Monkeh
With all my love.

Comments: Rainy day .

2:53PM - Kiss me Kill me

We are the crowded scene of two//
&with love, lay the blinde eye.
One big circle, you&I
&with love, we meet again.

Daring&Skeptical
Lovely&Scarred
Eyes that hide in the night
&mine, with the day blue bright

It's a comfortable embrace, familiar
&haunting with a past
By some fair string
We've always been attached

Comments: Rainy day .