Monsieur Alaska's Journal

12:42AM

I am at home.

&at ease when I walk through that front door.

&now,

my hippie room is cleared &
my computer is hooked up to the net
I have a work space
&a place for my cat.
&I love it.


&it's nothing short of a
Mind Fuck-
Time so inanimate
[but a life before ours]
&a noose about my neck
A pageless scrapbook
my nostlgia's drug
& lead of my path
having not even existed//
&all for the moment
[that I am aware]
that I belong
right.here.
Seconds steady
go by
&still,
it's here I remain
[waiting for my body to tire]
til time leads me
to our bed
Where you lie
Where I last left you
Nodding off to sleep
from my lips
fingers
chest
palms
tracing every
you
[I could get hold of]
&into my lap
-from the grey
A [dis]postion
time has allowed
or plagued
or cursed
or gifted
or blessed//
20 hrs of day
It's the appreciation I just.don't.know.how.to.bestow.the patience you've shown
during long nights-
the conversations consisting of complaints&
the mundane of my new life-
lackluster
apathy
The rings below my eyes
the weightloss
&It's nothing short of a
Mind Fuck-
this room
&me&you&this job
&empty pack of cigarettes
&how much money they take from my paycheck
$2280 = 1680
&The demands
the expectations


This is why I gave that dream of owning my own cafe/bookstore up.

Work.

My first job, killed whatever aspiritions I had.

Maybe once all is settled in
Everyone is trained
&my laundry is done & finally hung up
&my prescriptions refilled
Mad at home
& a bearable routine emerges

[I can be home for dinner & give you that massage every night]

It's constantly on the tip of my tongue
[But I'm waiting]
Because,
as things have been going-
it's coming
&it will be perfect.

&for the first time in 4yrs, I trust again.

&It's where I begin to worry when openly, as this, spoken of.

I won't question the pages we stand on-

because there is a beauty radiated towards me
&me only
I can't help but ignore the monsters of doubt
within me
when you're so near//










where does time go

Comments: Rainy day .

7:52AM - All This World I Give to You

My hair is falling out in masses.
I dyed my hair again.
You know
To free myself of the salt & pepper look.

Bald is in.


Soooooooooo

Wonder why I suck at answering texts?
As I've always sucked at answering my phone

Well, let's try 80 hour work weeks.

It leaves me with little motivation to do anything but piss and smoke cigarettes

&sex.

I can never be too tired for that. At least with Cam[mmmmm]


Ma said last she checked I was at like $2600+ for two weeks.
No, I don't make that much.
I've been working that much to accumulate such a bulk.
5am-9pm.
XD

I hate my employees.
NONE HAVE ANY FUCKING COMMON SENSE
No one respects me 'cause of my age.
Fuck age, do they not realize I had power to hire them that I can easily fire them?
I'm having a staff meeting.
There will be an ultimatum, kids.

And Caroline, who has been here just as long as I have- who should be my right hand man by now-
IS WORTHLESS
"Stephanie where is this
Stephanie how do I do this
Stephanie we're out of this
Stephanie we need your help
Stephanie Stephanie Stephanie Stephanie"
Mother fuckers.
I am not omnipotent.
I can not do it all, though I am having to try!
God, that woman... if I could I would do some serious wicked awful things to her flesh.
firefirefirefire

My body wakes me up at 5.30am automatically anymore.
That's fucked I say.

I can't wait for this paycheck.

I can't wait to see their faces when I pull this through.

I'm 23 yrs old & I'm going to own this place.

Well, If I ever live passed all this micromanagement.
LET ME DO MY JOB LEAVE THE FUCKING STORE YOU'RE IN THE WAY JESUS

I have the most insane boss. No... really.
Ask my mom.
She works at the restaurant as their accountant.
She comes over to the store to help sometimes.

RadioHead and Trivium have never been better friends to me as they have been these days.
As well as the Pixies and Placebo.
&Cameron.
God, if not for him... the lot of you would have received invitations to my funeral a long time ago.
suicidesuicidesuicide

I could write how awesome he is to me for... an annoyingly long time in this bulletin...
I'll spare you.
Just know,

I'm a certain kind of a woman
& he's a different kind of man

&when we're together, I feel like a whole person.
Not some whack job trying to live in a world with other aliens.
My scars go invisible,
& I want to help myself-
for myself for a change.
Not someone else.
'cause when I'm happy
I can make someone else
just as happy times like
a million
eh?

I haven't seen one skullfuck of a person I've ever hung out with in my coffee shop.

IT'S A MOTHER FUCKING COFFEE SHOP IN GOTDAMN ORANGEBURG-YEAH KINDA BIG DEAL A PLACE TO HANG OUT BESIDES WALMART

GRAB A FUCKING BOOK YOU ILLITERATE FUCKS AND CHILL ON MY COMFY COUCHES WITH A FUCKING AWESOME CUP OF COFFEE AND GOOD MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND

Do you like being miserable?

Treat yourself.

I just got in a snickerdoodle coffee, lol
HEY don't judge me
There's a demand for it
besides,
it smells great.

Who's known me long enough to remember how I wanted to own my own coffee shop?
Anyone?
It's kind of nostalgic being manager here just for that fact,
Makes me want to pull out my old blue prints for "Tujours Volupte"

It would be so much easier if I could do things my way. Alas...

MICROMANAGED

We have breakfast sandwiches =D

Anyways.

Coffee&Cigarettes

Gaaahhhhh

I went to Cameron's grandmother's church something or other.
I met like, his entire family.
I had a great time.
Fooooooooooddddd

I like his grandma, she's like so laid back & doesn't give a fuck.
She's so cute ^.^

I was nervous as fuck.
I kept thinking she didn't like me.
I think Cam could feel I was all insecure
so he secretly spoke with her
&came back to me and said, "She really likes you.
She says you have personality..."

I'll end that quote so as not to offend anyone.

It made feel better and not so stand-offish to speak with her.
So I would march up to her & talk!

We went to her house after the shindig so I could meet Red, the dog.
It...
was so... fucking cute to see Cameron play with him.
I've never seen that side of him- with animals.
I'm getting him a dog soon if not for Christmas.

His mom & Joe came in yesterday to the store & brought me a birthday present O_O
I was surprised. That was only the second time meeting her.
First time was very brief at the old house.
Uhm.
I would bone Cam's mom.
Her ta-ta's are rockin'

They caught me at a hectic moment.
Just got out of a meeting and running around like crazy.
I'm sure I looked haggard.
&this stupid blond hair.
That I'm keeping for awhile 'cause it only cost me $125!
3 bleachings.
Black&Red are bitches to remove.
Remember this.

& now my hair is falling out in clumps 'cause I dyed it this morning to relieve myself
of that trailer park salt&pepper look.
YEH


My knuckles have been fucked lately.
I've come into this habit of beating the shit out of a wall
when overly stressed & super frustrated.
Sorry bathroom in Four Moons >.<
&I think it's about time I clean the blood splatter from Cameron's wall.

He's seen me come home and just plop in bed & cry.
My mom said she gets the same when overly tired and stressed- all weepy.
I don't even try to cry.
I can't stop it.
I'll have a conversation and tears just stream down my face.
It's fucked.

We're running away.

This Friday we're going to DT Columbia to stay at the Marriot for the weekend and party. The hotel has fucking three bars in it. Mini vacation. Bar hop all in the same vicinity without having to drive or be in public or on the streets. Then just crawl to the elevator and to the room. Great idea, yeah?
I'm trying to get Rachel & Mark to come. It was Rachel's idea. She has to come!


People are still calling me Courtney Love -_-

OH OH OH OH OH

CAMERON HAS OFFICIALLY ASKED ME TO MOVE INYAHYAHYAH

YEY! I can bring my cutlery over & we'll have a full set of silverware! lol

He's cleaned my hippie room so I can have a closet and smoke room. Just need to get my computer in there as well hangers for the closet.

Then my cat!
Mad is going to be so mad. He'll go into hiding & be a total douche to me. but I miss him & he must come.
Lydia needs a home... Mom is getting rid of her 'cause Max died & she wants all animals gone.
I would take her but that piss Mad off more. Or maybe comfort? Familiarity? He hates her but maybe he's just covering.
Anyways.. two cats here seems a bit much. Especially if I get a dog for mah buddah.

FUCKSHITDAMN
all I do is rant anymore.
bitch bitch bitch

holy fuck, we've watched some horror movies lately! over 20?
some seriously fucked.
Thanks Angie!
PETA are some sick fucks.


Kirisute Gomen?


Ahhhh

I'm 23 kids.
I keep forgetting and saying I'm 22 still.

Cameron woke me up and gave me presents in bed ^____^
A beautiful necklace & an awesome jacket that is so 60's w/ a hood [i lurve hoods >.<]
My sister got me some bad ass, Jack Sparrow boots.
"I hate your combat boots, so I got you some new ones."
These bitches are on some hot heels. Pictures? Ok, soon.

I wore them to the Keenan Wine Tasting & Five Course dinner Cam & I went to at Four Moons on my birthday, [Mike's present to me. $100 a ticket O_O] So much wine, so good, so buzzed.

The day before Cameron got to experience me & crab legs, lol. It's tradition to go eat crab legs for my birthday because it's only the best food ever. I attack some crab legs. SERIOUSLY my mom cracked all of Cameron's for him LOL LOL he sucked at it. She also drank a beer in mourning for the dog... yes, my mother drank a beer. I think it's the bad influence of Cameron. They bought beer together one day while I was working. WTF WTF

work time? No, but I'm going in anyways.
computer work I never get to do needs to get done.
PRETEND I'M NOT HERE TIL 10.30!
PISS OFF


aside from work... my insides are all fuzzy with this thing called 'happy'
It's plagued me.
&now I want his body so bad.
textexttexttext

Speaking of insides,

last night I kept having mini anxiety attacks for like 5 hours.
I hate it.
It feels so fucked.
I want to gut myself.


Protege Moi

Comments: 1 smile - Rainy day .

5:38PM - You can keep your black tongue [that I found at the mortuary]

I knew if I worded it right,

he would let me have a beer while I worked, putting inventory in.

Rolling Rock is by far my favorite beer.

I really wish I could be poetic, vague & enigmatic.
Write in my own language.

I've been so worn out. Mentally & Physically.

Work & Dr. J have me strung out.

Today has been... fuck. 4 interviews while trying to juggle checks & stupid employees & training for coffee on the expresso machine.

I have a new girl & hopefully she won't bail. We've had such bad luck lately. I worked with her before.

I bought Cameron & I a new coffee table... cause I fell&broke the other one, lol.
My Dr. J seems to like Cam. He says he's a smart guy, even though he doesn't know him-
from what I tell him about how Cameron reacts & the things he says about my flaws or whatever
you want to call them.
I always read Cam my homework.
Tonight... I have to reveal all my wrong doings in the past. Be an open book & see if he still accepts me
so I won't feel so horrible about myself & not deserving.
I also have to write letters to those I've done significant wrongs to that could be me making me feel like a horrible person.
I also have to write down all my self-loathing/worthless thoughts. &then be rational about them & write that down.
Oh, & raise meds mgs up.

....

Cameron & I carved pumpkins at mum's last night. It was awesome. I did my made-up jap-girl Romi making this face >.< and below it, it says NYAH!
Best part, cooked pumpkins seeds.

Work has seriously killed any creative & intellect strand in my body I may have had. My brain has no room for anything but work, cam & booze lol

OH! I'm going to be a Barista!
That's what they call cafe people, lol.
I guess. Gah.

I need another beer. CAMERON! -yeymmm-

Oh, Halloween party [pics on myspace] was insane. From what I remember.
Cameron took like 18 syringe jello shots, or Kurt Cobain, rather.
He lost his glasses & I lost my tiara.
We had a room out at BRP,
I woke up fully dressed & my fangs still in & Cameron in the opposite bed.
Woke up again & he was in bed with me.
We recollect nothing.
Him, from being intoxicated.
Me, klonopin + booze.
My shoes had dirt all over them & my knees are fucked, lol.

That's the beauty of being Courtney Love for Halloween. The more trashed you get, the more in character you are!

Really?
Really?
Still?
Shit talk?
Really?

Aaahhh lol

I just think of Cole's comment from a couple entries ago.

So, I've been a thrift store/salvation army queen as of late.
I've found treasures, yo.
I found Cameron this awesome, had to be hella expensive, wool sweater made in scotland.
I washed & dried it...
so now it's my sweater, lol.

I need to get to Cola to the Good Will on St. Andrews.
I always found money in the pockets of the pants I bought >.>

I'm so uniform anymore, textually.
In real life, I'm still the strange me.
But my blurty is... failing.
Maybe because I only get the chance to write when I'm at work
&I can't concentrate.

Did I mention the Whip It soundtrack is my addiction right now.
RDFTW

That's it.


Rolling Rock.


Cheers

Comments: 1 smile - Rainy day .

5:55PM - 3m0//&loving it.

&I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss.
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it.

Keep me&I'll mend you.

My world's hanging by three words
That I can't bear to say...


Can you keep a secret?


I'm in love.



Don't tell anyone.
[Especially him]


Only 6 months.
For Fuck sake's.

Baby, I'm afraid of a lot of things-
But I aint scared of lovin' you.
Baby, I know your afraid of a lot of things-
But don't be scared of love.

'Cause people will say all kinds of things-
That dont mean a damn to me.
'Cause all I see
Is whats in front of me
[&thats you]

Well, I've been dragged all over the place
I've taken hits time just don't erase
&Baby, I can see you've been fucked with, too-
But that don't mean your lovin' days are through

Well I maybe just be a fool
But I know you're just as cool
&cool kids
They belong together


When I'm stable long enough
I start to look around for love


"So give me your lips&just let me kiss 'em
&let's get messed up
&listen to probably the best mixtape I have"
-Butch Walker


Why'd you have to be so cute-
It's impossible to ignore you.
&Why'd you make me love you so much,
It's bad enough we get along so well.


Forget your scars
We'll forget mine
The hours change so fast
Oh, God, please make this last.




|Magnetic|
There’s static in our skin.

Comments: Rainy day .

6:24PM

Oh shit.


Good times, kids.
Good times.

That was a first for both of us...


All last weekend was le memorable.

So.

Mike's massive Halloween party is tomorrow at the Cinema.
It's Vampires Ball ["Real vampires don't sparkle," says the invitation which is a mini casket.]
Mom begged I wouldn't wear what I had planned with a partner in crime:::



So, who looks like that [beat up] on a normal basis anyways? Yes.
Courtney Love.

Cameron will be my Kurt Cobain.

Throw some [expensive] vampire teeth in & it's a-go, homies.

Now, you do realize- this means BLEACH
oh yes, fond memories.
Only this time,
I paid $125 to get it done
rather than letting my hand in expertise go to town on my head.

I love it. Mom hates it.
I have to go back in a week or so to get it finished.
Black&Red are little bastards to get out & bleach over, yeah?
So my roots are almost white and the rest if a pretty light yellow colour.
Love.

Can't wait to have sex with this new hair colour for some reason.
AH!

Wine was just brought to me from next door
-mmmmmtaste
It's an italian-
they know me too well.

Love my job.

Almost hired someone today who use to work at Coastal Coffee.
Too good to be true.
FUCK.

Staff please.

Fuck, I haven't been this blonde since... LIZZ! Preggo!
I love them... Izzy >.<

Anyways.
Pouring this wine in a glass & going home!
I've been driving Cameron's truck for the passed three days.
Next vehicle... I kinda want a truck now.
BIG TRUCK

Oh, UPDATE
now on 4 FOUR medications -_-
That's for a later post.

Comments: Rainy day .

12:31PM - [This steak sub is rocking my face]

The only draw back to this medicine is you black out when you drink
&wake up with vague memories.

Nonetheless,

from what I remember-

I laugh inside. &probably outwardly. I just can't feel it.

It was sarcastic
&you were too
&I think that constitutes
a moment.
Yes yes yeah sure, def. def.
I totally agree

In the event I go too far to self entertain-
well, actually
That's you're only warning.

I can't feel my knuckles on my right hands.
Swollen.
Swollen
&bloody
&scraped
&bruised.

Punch as if you're going through them.

Once again, I do not think Sway should be playing in the store.

The new Yeah yeah yeah's album is different than their norm
but it's
-fucking A-

Heads will roll


There was a lodge mentioned & it's ironic
It's where I took Cameron
That night-
[&those videos will be uploaded & posted FYI world]
[I fell in love with you Cameron!]
We made love.
As in,
he took his time with every inch of me.
Despite his fight earlier that night-
I think he knew he was ok
now that he was with me
in that room.
Besides, we were interrupted earlier by loud thuds & a screaching voice//
-camera rolling

&I am calm.
&I am happy.
&I thank you.

I miss mah luvvah bunneh =[
Drunk by 9am
In the woods
&vienna sausages

I told him about last night.
&now I'm hot for some reason.
It hurts to make a fist.

There's been so many moments it seemed super natural to just say 'I love you'
&my insides go crazy.
&I keep my mouth shut.
&I wait.

Love is so relative.

Whatever that means.

I still can't believe I fell on the coffee table, so SNL style//crash crash
Hilarity.
I love my bueno.
I'm taking a nap when I get home.

&I'm completely astonished at the word altruistic being used. Still.
To this day.
Amazed.

Fan Mail

Hmmphh....
this is probably gonna be more embarrasing to me **than it is gonna be to you but...
**sorry that my friends hate you so much that they have to call you up at all hours of the night just to disturb you & "your luvvah"
...i awoke to laughters "funny jokes" & "oh so hiliarious disturbances" of you & Cam
& *****if you didn't know, some people do have work in the morning & some rude messages aren't approved of. I don't have a problem with you Stephanie....just my friends. So get over yourself & do the best you can to make Cam happy. that's all I ask. &*** if you're so brave... as it seems... the way you leave such threatening messages... step up for once... ***didn't seem like you had such the guts to do it the night you were in the "man shack" when i stood up to you.... *** just hide out like before
howevever...you aren't shit to me & won't ever be. Like Cameron has already told me...**you'll never measure up to me. Second best is never good enough. live up to your name & live with you're pitiful insecurities
by the way....if i wanted Cameron.... ***i could have him whenever I wanted...
count on that, if not anything else......
If this means anything...
from what I've heard & the little I've seen..
**you're beautiful
***take this as a truce...b/c this will probably be the only chance you get...***
&this altruistic dispostion I'm showing is probably only b/c it's early in the morning...I'm tired...& I've just been woken up to some childish bullshit ***so feel so lucky.... otherwise.....I wouldn't be so subtle
grow up & stop feeling sorry for yourself
everybody hurts.
so ***GROW THE FUCK UP!
--------------
I don't want Cameron. He's yours now
& believe me when I say this............ he's your BEAUTIFUL DISASTER
I do still love him him & always will.
nothing you do or say will ever change that....same with him.
so please don't rub that in my face.
**I have no problem with you...like I said.
but if you bring him into it....
it's a whole different matter.
***so please just stop with the childish drama & give up.
***I don't have a problem with you as long as you do him right.
**TRUCE? that's all I ask
But Stephanie...**don't you EVER hurt him.
He deserves so much better than you or me.
But if it's you he wants, then it it's you he wants.
Just don't let him down.



***things I found most amusing.

A round of applause.
&drinks on me.


Tonight will be Epic.
Lizz/Mark/Ro
Cameron put the shotgun away just in case, lol.

Roller fucking Derby!!!
Watch some bad ass bitches
knock one another around
-on wheeles-
Hell yes.
booze.
check.
grilongirl action
-of course-

Lizz&I can cuddle all night ^___^


there will be havoc

&a hunt.

Comments: 5 smiles - Rainy day .

4:23PM - You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day.

It's only because it's frustrating.

I know.
You don't

&it aggravates me.

This word 'childish'
I've seen it so much lately.
Overrated

If you didn't know, the 'in-word' is now hypocrit

&as I've said,

Or maybe I haven't.

It's only because of you beautiful... Only because of you.

I know
You don't
I want you to
I want you to
I want you to
but I care too much for him//

There's no need for words
or action
or suit
Only the simple attribute of...

Well,

we all haven't been honest, now have we?
&it's when there's only one being blamed-
You know
every other
party
is guilty.

&taking cronies down in lies
Do they know
Do they know
they are scapegoats for you've very own
personnal insecurities
&lack of control of yourself.

&I wonder how much she's around anymore.
The words cunt having breezed by.

Yes,

hypocrit is the new in word.

&Really, it's this whole having no control issue.
Give yourself a small percentage
only advantage to push me that one last inch to the edge.
But you in no way shape or form helped me there.

Being underestimated is now a talent,
I'm finding.

I like it.

Sorry for the blood spatter on the walls

"it keeps me at bay"

&you,
Does it make semse to say I'm giving in but prepared?
Prepared isn't wht eowrd I'm looking for
but,
no one knows what I'm sayihng anyways so please,
imply imply imply
imply
imply

&It's as if.... you want to be Gigantic to those you see weaker. Or lower. Or evnvious of.

Plague.

Albert Camus.

You are everything I've never been. Wanted to act. Yet those are things you bury in your tummy & make you feel as if you could die. But it subsides. You.Dont.Do.It.

&it's just the lies really & how degrading you make those whom you call family.

Underestimation.

I.Am.Stupid.


No intuition.


Analyzation- is my downfall.
&I've got every move, thought pattern, intention, lust-
pinpointed,
just in case.
You know.

Checkmate.

&I've found the art
&beauty
in being underestimated.
It's just the frustration part
I'm hung-up on
Let me finish this drink,
&everything's zen.

Maybe Sway by Cold Chamber shouldn't be playing in the store...

Klonopin says- meh.
Whiskey says- meh
Bloody knuckles say- meh
Zolofy says- meh

Yeah you grow out of this.
It's probably when I laughed the most.

-bed wetters-

WTF moments


We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.
- Stephen Colbert


I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut



It's almost disconnected.
&when, my body goes from me
&my control
I hear things
&I begin to care
&become selfish
&narscistic

I don't know which I want.
Which life.

Emotion
or
recluse on terms

right now

Oasis playing throughout the store

&Cameron camping

&his house to my lonesome

It would be so easy to walk
right out of here

If my mug was full agian//

&I said, "I need to weigh out if this baggage is worth taking on with the weight I carry already"

6 months Halloween

&I blame it on the smaller towns.

We need to run
You need to breathe in

I have Cameron psyched going to Chicago.
Just to exerience it.
Vacation it.
Take it in.
Look, chin up a like tourist.
iceskate outside in the park.
Ride the train, no cabs needed.
A real club.
Real pizza.
Real italian.
&my family... all around good times.
Aunt Gail is naughty with that blender.

If I can get time off.
Work fits in every conversation now at some point. Seriously.
It's me, you guys.
Me- responsible.
For everything.
For things I don't even know exist.
I'm tyring to be years ahead here.
Leave.Me.Be.

3 paychecks-
would be your gross pay.

Tonight will be strange.
I will unlock the door to what I've called home for awhile now.
&there will be no Gressette man turing to me with that goofy wide eyed look
Only a dim kitchen light...
&a lingering scent & an empty bed.

Until tomorrow.
Lizz.

Lizz.
Lizz.
Fits these weird shaped peices all in the wrong places but they feel good
&right
&comfortable
&we understand.
The bathroom floor.
The sharp edges.
The loss of mind.
&we can hold one another.

the.only.other.female.i.trust.

Fated past you thought paths would break.

My whiskey is gone.
There is a door to the bar in my store.
waltz waltz waltz
Hi, Richard.
Hi, Karla.

-smoke break-

Mom is worried.
It's... not funny...
I don't know what it is.
But after 22 years she's finally worried and determined to find help for me.
As if it's taken 9 years for her to realize it's not teenage angst
of a shitty personality.

Which, I understand the difficulty.
It comes.
It goes.
Passed off as a bad week.
Month.
Days.
Whatever.

"I think you just need to learn a way to cope."

mhm.
I have.
No new scars.
Blood is clean.

well.

Alcohol is relative.
It's social.
It's the Hills.
It's MTV.
It's KsE tour.
It's the weekend.
It's after work relief.

It's the mere fact-


well,

listen-

or rather, don't.

It passes. Maybe not completely.

but life's too short.
Fucking walk on.
Run.

I need to get out of here.

I think I'm going to burst,
something uncomfortable within me
something destructive
sometime tired
something

Oh, Stephanie-
Just Grow Up.

Completely shocked the only smile & laugh I would get today was from one of those-
doomed.
&taking anyone down with them as they can.
This is all they know.
Cheating & proclaiming love.
Running, returning
Lying
hiding
speaking
Unnerved, my favorite.

I need to get out of here.
Something's going to happen tonight.

Come play?

I bet you're pretty when you scream//

Cleaning house
Jim Beam
Oh, right- I need to pick up mixers on the way home.

I'm not editting. Drunk. Rxed.
A 671 one number just buzzed in.
Do you know what a party is?
Just invite me.
Or come share a glass of ZD.

Work has been weird today.
I'm going to clean&leave.




Hey, listen.

I put my pants on just like everyone else;
one leg at a time.
But when I get mine on-
I make gold records.

Comments: Rainy day .

10:27AM - Hello Time Bomb! I'm ready to go Off

No good
No good
No good

No fucking good
This is bad
I'm a fuck up
I'm a fucking dumbass

Emotion/emotion/emotion
Why can't it keep fucking quiet?

Can't say I'm anxious, though...

Doctor
Has me on some
pretty hard core stuff
now

Straterra a no go
&he won't let go of the welbutrin

Valium?
No, addictive past history
Something like it-
klonopin
&the storm comes to a calm

My vision slows
&coherently-
I don't care anymore.
Willing
Knowing
right & wrong

My head sways this&that
My body elevated
Arms to my side

&tears

streaming from my unblinking eyes on a face that is emotionless//

Anything you say,
I'm dying
Anything you don't do,
I'm dying

I'm in the bathroom hiding
My face under the pillow
Please please don't give myself away
Stop choking, stop moving
breathe
breathe
breathe

I'm a fuck up
I'm not worth a shit
I'm temporary
I'm too Goddamn emotional

I need to leave
I can't look at you
Please please please
don't look at me
Act as if I don't exist
Wrap your entire body around me//
I don't want
I can't let you see me like this
You're going to run
It's fucked
I'm fucked
You shouldn't have to deal with this, too.

I'm not worth the trouble.

You wouldn't understand.

Don't be mad.
It's not you. It's not you. It's not you!

I'm spent.

4 shots of whiskey
2 beam&cokes
1 beer
1 klonopin

Zombie.

"I'm worried about you.
I don't agree with this doctor, putting you on all these pills."

Doctor told me
Doctor told me
he can fix my chemical unbalance
But he can't fix me,
the way I think
&how I bring myself down.
I have to do that.
Pills pills pills
Are so my body won't work against me or encourage my
my fucked thoughts.

&as I lay in bed last night>
"I'm a fuck up
I'm a fuck up
I'm a fuck up
I'm a fuck up
I'm a fuck up
I'm a fuck up
I'm a fuck up
I'm a fuck up
I'm a fuck up
I'm a fuck up
I'm a fuck up"

He's not going to understand.
This isn't me.

I know it's going to come, sooner or later
I just never know when
Or how long it will last
A couple of days
a week
weeks
But when it comes,
I'm

d.e.s.p.o.n.d.a.n.t.
Distant
Paranoid
Insecure
Self-loathing
Paranoid
Insecure
Self-loathing
Paranoid
Insecure
Self-loathing


Please, be patient with me.
&just kiss me.
just kiss me.
[&say something that can't go wrong]

Hello, I'm Neurotic
Creating problems that don't exist
Don't believe me when I say it's alright
Let's go to my apartment
We'll pull the sheets up over our heads
Forget all reasons to go outside
Beats pulse, they're automatic
Locked inside of my apartment
Make confessions with the television on-
I'm fine

Comments: Rainy day .

5:25PM - In the Bathroom

With the Shower Running
&my Clothes on-
I Figured out that I Hate you All

Is it Depression or Disease?
Tell it to the millipedes...





I don't know why I never made the move.
I'm such a fucking coward.
I would give anything to be a poor fuck, living in a studio apt
in the ghetto of Chicago
Catching the 6am train
to 56th street
& walking 3 more blocks to work.
Alone.
Lonely.
&Lost in my head.

Free from being hurt
by this depressing
place &
it's fucked up people
You can't believe in anything living here
So no one is happy
They fuck anything good up
Just for a little excitement in their lives.


It's the cold, I think.
It's me, I think.
bringing me _down




Fucking.A.

Downtown Columbia around noon
is the closest to home
I've felt in awhile.

& it was terribly depressing.
As if I need anything else
to remind me how
fucked at life I am.

People, jazzy looking folk
wandered the streets
in the District.
Homeless on the benches//
Coffee shops A-GO!
Di Pratos inviting
Traffic Hell
Stop.Go.Stop.Go

Placebo is my soundtrack.
My nonexistant city-life soundtrack
&I wanna shoot up.
I wanna get so geeked
So drunk
So high
My blood stops flowing//
Yet I move
&dance
&scream
&sing
&relate to the motions of the city streets
On the prowl-
Invitation in-hand
Gallery[champagne]
&little black dress
It's the Loft- the height
The mood in red/
Taxi wages
&one-night stands
&A Life Spinning
Out.Of.Control.

&still in the office by 8am.

As much as the city calls to be my home-
I believe it would be the very death of me.
The City calls to me to be my resting grounds
A trashed apartment my tombstone.
I hope Jack stashed the syringes
Made out like a fucking bandit-

Can someone shut the fuck up for a second & just
listen
to
me
sob
Let me ruin your shirt
&punch your walls
&drink your whiskey
&pass-out in your bed
&use your arms for a vest about me
&&please please, just play something perfect in the background-
I will need a soundtrack to this break down.

If I ever get there
If I ever get there
If I ever get there

Just don't look surprised
or scared
or disgusted

Take Me In//No Questions Asked

The Life I've Left behind me//Is A Cold One

The happiest, depressed
individual we ever
did see.

I cannot ask you to be my shelter
during these storms

I'm hoping you offer

&You think I'm worth it

&You would like
to have me around
for some time


You know,
I have no home anymore.
I have a room.
&A place to crash.

It's not so surreal as it is
inspiring
&motivating
to live out of a car
If I had to.

Winter is the season of Death.
According to our great authors of long ago.

Can I please bury my face into your skin until I cannot breathe?
&the world begins to spin
&I fall right back into you?
Can you please lie to me forever as much as our forever allows?
I want to be perfect for someone at least once in this lifetime
[Even it means you make me believe it's true]


Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson made a cd
&it's the best thing I've played in this store to date.
-It's one of those you put on repeat-



smuggle the sweetest in secrets


I'm rotten at keeping in touch
But I miss you very much

Comments: 3 smiles - Rainy day .

6:29PM - "If you find a girl like this, you hold on to her"

New.

[Skinny Little Bitch]



I've got more than enough Christmas merch organized.
Now for the undeniably arduous task of finding coffee products XD
Seriously. I just learned what an air-pot is.
I've got less than 2 1/2 weeks to find & order this shit.

WAH!

I don't know what's going on with me. Everytime I see Cameron, I want to jump his bones.
When I think about him during the day, I feel like I need to excuse myself for a moment to cool down.
Horomones?
Love?
Wtf?

I use to prefer a cookie over the physical act.
Now, I want to experiment with the two together >.>

He brings out the wild side in me.
Only, I'm not a bit bashful about it about it either. [Yes, I used only & either in the same sentence, blow me.]

My To-Do list gets longer everyday.
I keep finding something to add to it.

I drew a beer mug on the black board in the store we advertise things on to promote Oktoberfest [DAS BOOT!] on the 19th. Quite proud of it.
Of course, Mike see's it & grimaces at my awful artwork.
Apparently, it should have foam at the top and/or overflowing down the sides of the glass.
My argument was, a good beer pour has little to no head on it.
Mike's rebuttal, "Not during beerfest!"
-_-

boo him.

Oktobberfest should be funfunfun.
It's one of those occasions I get to drink mass amounts on the job.
It's during those times I enjoy working with people
&conversation is my friend.

Stranger Than Fiction is such a good movie >.<

It's almost heart stopping in fright when you're taking a shower, alone at home, listening to your favorite soundtrack Juno, when suddenly the music changes to Rammstein.
It's as if you're just waiting, naked, for the shower curtain to pull back & the man responsible for your murder will be standing there.

Or just your boyfriend who came home unexpectingly during work.

Mucho appreciated!

It's never boring around that house, that's for sure.
The two of us together- something's bound to happen.
Whether you're being tackled & wrestled with bondage tape & then hog-tied
Or you're sitting in the bathroom taking an innocent piss & suddenly you're being attacked.

If this boy ever leaves...

Well,

Let me just say

I've never been with a guy since Fred I felt could compare to him.

Cameron is exceeding my expectations & then some.

That says... a whole fuck of a lot.
If you can put Fred in the back seat- you're good.

Gotdamn...
Reckoner makes me want to cry.
Beautiful >.<

If I could go to another RadioHead concert... If I had balls, I would give them both away.

I'm going to save $2,000 just for Cameron's Christmas. Atleast try.
I want to get him something HUGE.
Something amazing.
Something to WOW him.
There's an excercise machine he wants that can go for up to $2,500.

I've never gotten a guy something major & expensive. I've only bought a lot that added up to over a couple hundred. That fucker deserves something absolutely gnarly in my book.

Closing time.

[You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here =D]




Kill Kitty

Comments: 1 smile - Rainy day .

5:24PM - "Just so you know, I can't wait to see you"

Help!

I'm really starting to feel like a Manager//

& I expected to be treated as your superior.

I may be half your age, missy
but I'll be damned if you don't get the boot
for not respecting me or neglecting my demands.

[Fucking rich bitch snobs]

Who never had to work a day in their life

Baby, I'm a restaurant whore-
you better believe you're going to have work to do.
I busted my ass since I was 16.
This job is so gotdamn easy.
I almost felt guilty for getting paid when I started here.
[Not these days! $$$$]
I get my shit together-
I organize your job
&you can't do it?
You're going to clock out right in my face?
Oh honey!
I already have your replacement + permission from my superiors!
Yeah, I move that quick.
First day fuck up, no mercy.

Here's you're ulitmatum-
I see a change within a very short amount of time
or your job is dangerously in jeopardy.
Saying the wrong thing is liable to get you fired
on.the.spot.

I already new this position was going to be a personal challenge because of my age.
I'm looked down on
Or not taken seirously
blah blah blah
Hey, I carry two knives, a wine key
& a tazer//
Don't think my attitude doesn't reflect the same.
You will be sorely mistaken.
& here's the clincher-
-I Back What I Say-

Not to mention//Baby is in good
[with all the right people]

It tends to help me in my favor when others fuck up
& I have to suffer the effect of it- in a very timely manner.

Yeah,

I def. feel like a manager now.

Oh boy!

I've never had a relationship go so smooth.
This is insane.
We get along- all the time.
We don't bicker or get in pety fights.

Cameron had a family issue that kept him awake.
He kept tossing and turning.
"Shweety, you're not going to be sleep are you?"
"Probably not..."
"Roll on your tummy ^_^"
"Why...?" -rolls over-
I lean in to his ear & say, "Because I'm going to rub your back until you do."
"You're a babydoll"

He still couldn't go to sleep, which I knew he was sorely upset.
If it's about grandma, he's a wreck.
So, I made him a whickey drink.
I grabbed a beer.
&I stayed with him until he could sleep.

This was after cleaning the flipped coffee table, lol.
I've never seen him that angry.
It was almost comedic.
If I ever get him that upset...
I'm afraid I'll laugh in his face
& kiss his cheek for being so adorably silly
yelling, cussing & hitting things like that.

I tended his wounded knuckles muah muah

The other morning, I got up at 6am.
Baked bacon while he was in the shower
& made him a BLT for breakfast.

Which, may have been a mistake with comments like,
"I'm waking you up every morning at 6 now!"
X_X

Payments will be hefty! I demand morning sex every AM!
&any kinky thing I want to do!

Well... that just won't work now will it if I get this anyways?

Hmm...

I'll have to think about this.
FOOD.

FAIRFOOD FOR LUNCH DELICIOUS
&there is no proper, pretty way to eat fair foodnumnumnum
I ate with dem Gressette boys
Pimp.

Tonight has been looked forward to all week.
Why? What's planned?
Nothing!
Well, one action is but then what!
I don't know!
I'm in charge!
What will we do!
Get Ian epicly drunk & push him down.
turtleturtle
-does that remind anyone else of Dana Carvey?-

That's the best we got so far, lol.

moowow. I've got NOTHING DONE TODAY
I've been training Jolynn, my new Jersey Girl.
GOTDAMN how good is it to work with someone that doesn't have a fucking twang.
I hate girl's southern accents. It's so obnoxious. -fap fap fap- NO
A normal voice! Yey!

She's jovial.

& has common sense.

& has my kind of humor.

Jolynn carting in a huge box- "What is it?"
Me- "I don't know... I don't remembering ordering anything so huge."
Just as I say that, Jolynn accidently knocks the box over & there on the bottom a tag says, "Jugs with Lids"

& we both die laughing.

I can't explain why it's funny. But it was, & she thought so too.
Jugs with lids, homie.

I finally found acceptable bagels for the coffee shop!
Oh how much torture it was going through all those bagel samples
-chyaaaaaa it was amazing creamcheese motha

I miss Cameron.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night & his back is to me.
I go wild.
His back is beautiful.
Is that weird?
I immediately cling to it & rub my face against it's softness.
Then I just get horney.
& dry hump, lol. I kid I kid-
but I will cop a feel. test me. MEOW

I think it's illegal how soft his ass is for a guy lmfao

aaahhhhhzee wonders.

OH BLURTY!
I confessed.
My subconscience started that whole pushing him away thing because I was falling for him
&it caused this skirmish
&I just started crying
"I'm trying to push you away!"
"Why"
"Because I don't want to be here anymore!"
Yeah, that so came out wrong- his face was all WAAAAH?
So I ran away, lol
All dramatic like right
I sit on the bed
& I confessed.
"Cameron, I'm going to fall in love with you. It's like, only a matter of months. Maybe less. & now you're going to run. Run like you did last time wah wah wah wah" all that whiney bullshit

& I'll be damned if he wasn't freaked out.

I think I saw, like, a sigh of relief, lol.

like like like

OH GET THIS

Halloween

IRONY

I'm going to dye my hair back blonde. But that prep bleached blonde, yeah?
Borrow Mike's daughter's OP cheerleading outfit
& glitter my face up
& have the fucked huge bow in my pony tail
-with a noose around my neck-

Awesome, right?

Fuck a cheerleader, it will be fantastic.
Cameron wants to go as a rabbi buwhaha
Mike has a huge spectacular halloween party at the old movie theater
It will be groovy.
Plus we won't have to drive what with the awesome means of the Lunar shuttle! haha

Dude, we could totally have this kinky role playing sex.
The cheerleader & the rabbi.

I'm burning in hell


wow... today was a waste.
DO YOU COMPREHEND HOW MUCH WORK I HAVE TO DO
HOW MUCH ORDERING OF THINGS I HAVEN'T FOUND YET
PRICES COSTS MARGINS PROFITS SCHEDULES
I'VE NEVER USED EXCEL SO MUCH IN MY LIFE
Didn't know it was so useful.

Mike busted my chops for playing Zeppelin & the Doors in the store
Punk ass.
Called me a freaking hippie.
I called him a commi.
Bombing for peace is like bombing for virginity

Fuck your rap
Fuck you 104.7
103.9
Your country
your pop
&stick it up your fat ass
Like daddy when you were a wee one

>_>

wtf

These incoherent outbursts must stop.

I do it out loud too.
I don't think this is healthy.

The anxiety has been returning to it's home in my belly.
I've missed three doctor appts.
First one was their fault.
Second one, I had a meeting.
Third one- I was so fucking busy at work I forgot.

& I just haven't called back since.
I have another 'script so I'm good for awhile
but I don't feel it working anymore.
I think it was all psychosomatic.
Which really means I'm screwed, yey!
or the book is right -_-

OH CLOCK OUT TIME
PHASES MOON BAR FINE WINE HANDSOME LUVVAH MERRIMENT FOR ALL
YAH!



Heart, stop pounding
&come back down.
This high is
Cloud 9
&I'm use to the grey sky

Comments: Rainy day .

5:38PM - Happiness hit her like a Bullet to her Head

Respect is in the heart.
So that's where I'm gonna start.




I think I may have pushed someone's buttons...

LoL

Geez.

Collective Soul was fantastic!
It started raining when they came on & Cameron & I danced & spilled our beer & got wetwetwet.
Katie & Sharon were with us, or rather we rode with Katie so Cam&I could get wasted.
We took a cab back to her place later that night.
Apparently, I was offering the cabby $50 lol It was only $13

Oh boy oh boy
I saw Cameron tear up.
My heart dropped.
I've never... seen him emotional like that,
it was insane.

We were both heavily intoxicated
So, I won't take too much to heart
what he said
But it was...
I couldn't believe it.

I get the shivers when I think about it.

But I really hope that situation does not arise
For a very very very long time


He's the sweetest thing.



I told him what I wrote in my last entry
& he says, "I'll be hearing about it soon I'm sure"
I also told him I said that, too in the entry.
[Spies spies spies]
It's a track record, y'know?
I told him it felt amazing getting all that hate out
&he agreed.
Goodbye to you!

He said he wants to take me out to dinner tonight ^___^
I haven't been out to eat in a long time it seems like.
Last night doesn't count 'cause we just got an appetizer before the show.
30mg

Supanatureeell tonight!

I won't make you tell me what I've come to understand
You're a certain kind of woman, I'm a different kind of man


Alice in Chains putting out new music.
X_x
An important person in that factor is dead.
This should be interesting.

How do you do it? Make me feel like I do.


OH DUDEDUDEDUDEDUDE

So, I see Cameron take a picture of a bass he has mounted on the wall, right?
Well he sends it to me, like, 3 minutes after that.
It was a kinda funny picture because it was a close-up
of this damned thing with a gaping mouth.
So, I send it to my dad 'cause he loves to bass fish.
After doing so, I jump in the shower with Cameron.
He asks, "Did you get the picture?"
I said, "Yes, I sent it to mah daddeh."
His eyes bulge open & he repsonds, "WHAT you're kidding, right? Stephanie, tell me you're joking."
I'm confused. I'm like yeh I'm fo'shizzle..... why?
He says his penis was in the picture, lol.
I say it wasn't 'cause it was a freaking close up of the fish.
He begins to panic and says, "NOOOOO there was another picture below it!"
-insert me belly laughing so fucking hard I almost fall-
I'm like srsly?
He's like srsly.
I'm like no no, you're joking.
No no I'm not.
He finishes up & I hear from the living room, "OH GOD OH GOD HE RESPONDED"
Dad texts back, "That's cool, what's with the 2nd picture?"
LMAO
I can't stop laughing.
Cameron is mortified.
So, I text dad back, playing dumb.
"What 2nd picture? I sent a pic of zee fish"
Then I text OMG OMG I DIDN'T KNOW etc etc
&he says, "Is that a plastic worm? I've never used such a big lure to fish with."
O____O LMFAO
Cameron's about to die.
I say, yes dad... yes. It's a plastic worm.
&he says, "I will have to try that."
&I say to Cam, wanna go to dad's this weekend?
O_<
The next day, my dad goes fishing and sends me a picture of this huge bass he caught
&beneath it it says, "Here's a fish... & just a fish!"
Once again, Cameron freaks lol
I'm glad my dad has a sense of humor!
Oh fuck me stupid that was the most funny thing evah
I told Richard and he says, "So wait... let me get this straight. Your dad has seen Cameron's cock?"
buwhahaha
Yes Richard. Yes he has.
Glorious.


FIN.

Comments: Rainy day .

10:14PM - Girl, you just a no good Dick

He said to Her,

Go back to your hometown
Get your feet on the ground
&stop floating around

[I find a fatal flaw
In the logic of love
&go out of my head]

You love a sinking stone
That'll never elope
So get used to used to the lonesom
Girl, you must atone some
Don't leave me no phone number there



Oh, Insane!

I spent $130 at Mrs. Sherry's store today.
I have door cuffs =D
use your imagination

Plus pretty rose bondage tape, lol

&some interesting Candy.
&something... that will numb youMINDFUCK

Oiy Vey

Boys are so stupid sometimes.
They just don't think things through, y'know?
&it's crazy.
Just ask, yeah?

But let me just be blunt for a moment since no one else will!

Lacey Kendra Lingould
Go.Fuck.Yourself.

Your disillusionment must stop.

LET GO.
LET GO.

There is beauty in the Breakdown.

You fucking, stupid little kid.

For one, Please, stop waking us up in the middle of the night!
Christ on a pogo stick!

You break a barrier of apathy & my sight goes red.
Sometimes, I lie awake in bed at night
& scenario after scenario of a bloody encounter
passes my mind.
I've bashed your head against a brick house corner.
I've snatched you by the hair & placed your pretty face into the cement- over&over.
Oh, & yes, the curb stomp baby. It was beautiful.

I've sat ontop of you, held your face in my hands- spit
&carefully&repeatedly made each knuckle touch your nose, cheek, forehead, lips, chin.

I've seen you gag on your own blood.
I've seen you crawl away in terror
lingering on your last breath.
I've seen you burned in strategic
notches- Beautifully & Sadistically.

Oh honey honey
You've said yourself
I'm a crazy bitch.
Why oh why,
would you mess with an ex psych patient?
Knowlingly!

It's funny...

with such a past as mine

I could hurt you.

&sweety, jail is not where I would go.
I fear not a call to the cops.

They would handcuff my scarred & bruised wrists.
They would carry me 45 minutes away
To the solace of four white walls
With three square meals a day
with movies on the television
&medicate baby
Heavily.

Please, This is a Plea!
Test me.
Confront me with your Hate
Your fierce loathing for my existence-
Face me.
Talk your shit-
to my blue eyes.
Please.
Please.

I see you not as Cameron's ex girlfriend anymore.
I've told him the same.
You've made this personnal
By being an ignorrant, pathetic
&pitiful
Human Being.

He has nothing to do with this.
You are now a fucking degenerate fool
who has been unfortunate enough to cross my path
& piss me off to a severe depth of my patience.

&as I well know, my lovely&charming&smart
SaraH
will run, foot over stumbling foot
to inform you of this ATROCITY!

& you, dumb&vindictive
Will run, inturn, to Cameron
As if he'll give a shit.
As if he'll do a damn thing about it.
As if we won't lie in one another's arms
laughing & joking
at your trivial, dramatic shit.

I wish for nothing more towards you but to disappear.
As if you never existed.
Use google map for directions, yeah?
Find another lad to drunk text-
maybe one that will acknowledge you?

You are not an issue.
As much as you may be able to anger me,
it's nothing a kiss of brown eyes
cannot take off my mind, hm?

He's good at that.
Turning that frown upside down!
&it's not something I take for granted.
No, no.
I'll be damned, childomine
if the likes of you
will come between us.
&if you should- it will be his doing


Here's to you! Take this as flattery!
Take it as- I need to look into your life
to fulfil mine!
I know you're desperate & need to think this
to make your broken.little.heart
feel.that.much.better.

Take whatever you need, Lacey Lingould
To make yourself feel better
&empowering
&so much better than me.


PHEW

Now that that weight of months! is now lifted off my chest-

I'll never have to speak of it again.

I think I just needed to purge all those nasty thoughts I've had towards that country cunt.

EXHALE

I've been watching the Little Mermaid during this
&wowee

I'm content.

Mah bebeh is out with his friends having a good time
&I'm getting things done.

Tomorrow is Fall Out!
It has been brought back

& really, it shouldn't have been.

It's not in Finlay Park but at a bar
&the bands are SHIT.
Except Collective Soul.
That's all I wanna see.

I've decided, for my next car
I want a hatchback!

I found the most adorable, grey 2007 Hyundai Accent GS
Mine?
Cheap as fuck, too. What's wrong with it?! Catch?!

Dude, that seawitch use to trip me out >.>

So, I really really want to stun the fuck out of someone with my new tazer YKNOW
Like, I'm compelled to walk down shady allies in DT Cola just so some hobo will try to jump me & I can be all BLAMBLAMZAP on his dirty mug.
Or I could just get super drunk & taze Cameron.
but then I would I have to run. run Run run runr run for the hills & hide, lol.
Me&Angie use to taze one another with hers. Dude said mine would knock Cam on his arse, though. He tried selling me one he said I could 'play' with Cameron with. Chaaaa nah, "give me the other one, puh-leaze"
DESTRUCTION IS NICE
ahemInvaderZimmoment.

Anywho.
I have work to do!
Price 'dem break.sands.
$32G a yr is noyce.

Comments: Rainy day .

4:53PM - I'd show a Smile but I'm too Weak- I'd share with You could I only Speak

I, myself, am made entirely of flaws,
stitched together with good intentions.
- Augusten Burroughs




Introspection&I'm.Not.Ready.For.This.
I don't want to face myself//Not yet.


&now that the reality of things begin to form
[Instead of happier]
>>>An old friend is visiting with a vengeance.
Always univited.

&Really,

My only concerns lie within being able to hide her.
Keep her at bay long enough during the day so
That I can escape at night.

It's not something I really care for him to witness,
her in full blown glory.
Devastating &
unattractive

I am Destruction
&my own worst enemy.

You know,

maybe this is how the path to recovery is suppose start.
Rocky.
Once you acknowledge your demons,
they shine their brightest.
&it feels like 5 steps backwards into the negative.

That book-
hurts me to read.
It's made me an emotional wreck.

Adverse effects or
everything in it's right place?

Jealousy leads to untrusting,
I think.
I never really linked the two together until now.
&it's making me dizzy.

&worst of all,
it makes sense.

Goddamn, I hate being sad, lol.
That uncontrollable sad. That feeling of utter negativity.
Everything is all wrong.
I'm walking a thin line & could collapse into tears at any second.
Not, "Oh, my bf broke up with me" sad

Oh, it comes & goes.
Go go go go

It's been awhile.
I was just at my peak of being the happiest I've been in awhile this passed month. Of course I should crash&burn now.

This is my fault though, according to Dr. J.
I do this to myself with the way I think.
Well, shouldn't there be something out of my control programming me to think the way I do? Seratonin Doc! Chemicals!

I guess he means I can take control if I tried & worked for it.

Pill for motivation, please.

I've tinkered with the thought of demoting myself from Management.
&strongly encouraging Bossman to let me keep my pay as Assistant Manager
&raise Heather's pay since she's more experienced in sales&retail.

...

Just a thought I can quickly dismiss.
Work is going to get weird when Hetaher comes over.
I'm 22, she's 40+?
I'm the manager.
She runs her own store & qualifies beyond me.
-insert my insecurities of her looking down on me & watching my every move to see how good of a job I'm doing-

Wow, that was a mistake.



><><><><><><><><><

Wine Gala was amazing.
Cameron was so handsome.
A many a wine tasting
As well as beer =D
Great food,
and inside laughs.
Someday, I will have pictures of us all dressied up posted here.

I went on a clothes buying spree.
Like, a $250 kind of spree.
Outrageous for me, yeah?
I got $80 back, though, due to some loop holes the cashier filled me in on
-dealing with coupons-
A+
Since there was extra cash, I bought fuckjerk some clothes, too =D

I bought a Chicago-suited jacket.
It's beautiful
Heavy
Long
&black

||Get cold||

Cameron took my camera to his grandma's 'cause she wanted to see how adorable he was.
He told me she said I was 'right cute'
hahaha I still blush thinking about it.
Meeting her is... like of most importance to me.
I know how much she means to Cameron
&what regard he holds her in.
So when I do get to meet her, if I'm ever lucky enough,
it's going to be a big deal.
It will mean Cameron likes me enough to bring me around her,
that I'm worth holding onto
&that he wants me in familiarity of the family.
=D =D =D
AIY, that'll be a big step.


I thought she would be disappointed in Cameron
for being with a woman who has piercings
&tattoos. But she's cool with my additions!
He said she likes me already just by what he has said about me>
[nice things, really? awwah]
I'm a lady & not a bitch, lol.

Is this appoval in the making?

Wow, I'm making a big deal out of this LoL
I just hold high respect in certain areas.
Kinda old fashioned sometimes.

Oiy vey, last night was so awesome.
I could tell by the way he looked at me
&spoke to me-
He thought I was beautiful.
Hand in hand with a glass of wine,
we walked from table after table trying wine
[over 50 labels were there!]
Socializing when approached.
He introduced me to his boss from work
&a man who is good friends with his
grandmother.

More than half the bottles of wine there I sell in the store.
So it was a fortunate chance to try a good many of them
to have first hand knowledge for customers.

Arcadian "Sleepy Hollow" pinot noir was my favorite.
But the bottle I was most impressed with was the Zestos,
a blend of Tempranillo & Grenache.
It was a favorably [odd]sweet red, which I've never had or thought existed!
&I hate sweet wine, let alone basically all white wines.
It was different & caught me by surprise.
mmmm-mm



"You remember who I am"

bold.

I actually have a rotten taste in my mouth towards you.
Respect me...

You haven't changed so so much...
Same playbyplay.

Me, honey, I'm onto a new game.
It's called Life.
Objective- Acting like an adult
&being more mature about situations.
Taking responsibility.


&this is not a vain comment or an insult by any means, but-
I'm in a different league than you now.

Worlds apart.


Sometimes, when I don't know how to react in a [and/or any given] situation
I think my brain has a default reaction
which is either:
Inappropriate
Irrelevant
or awkward.

This makes working with the public & socializing, well, awkward for me. Sometimes.

!!!mahbebehcalledI'mreadytonuzzlehistummy&chest&neck&kisshisentireface!

Comments: Rainy day .

2:04PM - tonight was a night romance novelists kill to copy right

If I was a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I was a tree growing tall and green
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a river in the mountains tall,
The rumble of your water would be my call.
If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow
Just as long as you were with me, when the cold winds blow.

If you were a wink, I'd be a nod
If you were a seed, well I'd be a pod.
If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug
And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug

If you were the wood, I'd be the fire.
If you were the love, I'd be the desire.
If you were a castle, I'd be your moat,
And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float.

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.


"'Cause I like going for hikes&riding bikes
&playing video games in the middle of the night
&I'll stay up late&I wont even care
That we're getting up early to go to the state fair
I'm gonna ride the biggest ride, it'll be out of sight
Then I'll share an elephant ear with you if you'd like
Because we are alive so we've gotta live life
To the fullest you spin the bottle&I'll dim the lights
Four five six seven minutes in the closet."






Follow me into the sea
We'll drown together&immortalize you&me
Leave behind this lonely town
We're both better than this,
it's not worth being down


Lonely child you make me Happy
You take my Fears&set them Free
Every night you hold me Closer
Like two notes in harmony
Come spend your life with me

Lonely child be my lover
We'll make love in the morning light
Weave your magic spell around me
&come spend your life with me


Gonna get you while you sleep
Give you a dream you can keep
To yourself little mama gonna make you feel better

I'm your mystery man in a gold Lincoln
Ain't no reason to do any second thinkin'
About it child

Midnight ride I'm gonna shake ya
Midnight ride I'm gonna break ya
Midnight ride I'm gonna take you on a
Midnight ride

Meet you little girl back at my hotel
Between you&me we're really gonna give 'em hell

I got something mighty special up my sleeve
All you got to do is just say please




"Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, 'cause I might do something crazy, like believe it."



I wish you would
Come _pick me up
_Take me out
_Fuck me up
_Steal my records
_Screw all my friends
-They're all full of shit-
With a smile on your face
&then do it again.





For fuck's sake.
I'll be firing someone for the first time once I get my new employee.
Dudeface was suppose to come in at five.
He called in sick.
Out of two months, some shit has come up on Mondays atleast 10 times.
Fuck this.
So, now I'm stuck working an 11hr. shift.
Once again, I'm pushed well over 40hrs.
Money in the pocket, but one step closer to a salary pay >.<

WAHYAH! Mike came in =D I ran into him at the Bank earlier when I went to get lunch. Him & Jennifer are there now. Nyah!! I can't wait for Cameron to meet them. He & Mike are going to get along so well >.< Beer after work puhlease[!]

I ♥ my syringe pen t('.'t)



>>There have been anomalies, but let me tell you<<

-Only bitches smoke Marlboros-

Oiy Vey! I need a cigarette 10 kinds of terribly.


Fuuuccckkk, I'm ready for mah bebehluvvah to pick me up.






She's beautiful as usual
||with bruises on her Ego||

Comments: Rainy day .

7:49AM - To You//Everything I Bestow

At work before 8am.

We carpooled! lol
The car I've been using is on life support//Dying.

A relaxing [short!] weekend.

Yesterday, I woke up 20 til ten. Started watching Dexter. Looked around.
&something posessed me at the early hour to clean.

First the living room.
Then, the kitchen AH!
I scrubbed the fridge & the cabinets. Finished dishes, dried 'em put 'em away.
Cleaned out the science projects in the fridge & reorganized.
-Muah!- lemoney fresh.

Cameron slept in til about 11. Wide eyed at the surroundings, I got kisses ^__^
I went grocery shopping while he got his hair cut later that evening. When I do this... I can't help myself & get more than I intend to. I can't shop for myself, finding shoes in Cola Satutrday was a FAIL. Anywho, I bought all sorts of candles & new coffee mugs fer us & breakfast stuff & milk & mixers & tea & peanut buttermmmmm.
We kinda sorta ate a lot yesterday o.O
Subs, hotdogs then chicken for dinner, lol.

Tomorrow is the OCTech wine Gala =D
I can't wait to wear my new cocktail dress. [just have to find fucking shooeeesss XD]
I might have to rape Cameron seeing him all decked out + his cologne jdbjasbfjsabjfbasMINE

This passed week & a half has been pretty hilarious. He loves to wrestle & fuck around = the millions of bruises on my legs. So, he's been paranoid about giving me more 'cause I have to wear a dress & Mike might go sadistic on him if he sees that & gets the wrong idea. When I start losing the battle, I'll just scream "BRUISES NO!!!!" & he stops. Buwhaha.

He was being so sweet last night. He woke up me up a couple times during the night by wrapping his arms around me & pulling me into him. I'd turn my head into him & feel his warm lips on my cheek. Muahbebeh

le sigh

Can anything this good last forever?

I've been trying to get better about being open & not trying to fix what upsets me on my own & not talking about it. I just don't like to get him involved but it wears on my attitude around him & he always knows when I'm not happeh. & he's been getting better about not getting mad that I'm mad, lol. He felt pretty bad 'cause of what I went through with Aaron, he doesn't want it to seem like that. I'll shell up & go slightly catatonic & no one wins! Bad memories >.<

Even if we've had to have talks 'cause someone was mad at the other, we still haven't really fought. We have talks. We don't yell. We may get an attitude but we don't insult one another. We just sit there until it's resolved & then one of us will stretch out our arms to the other & signal for them to come here! & we cuddle. Or have sex. Either way, it's a-go! lol

Fuck. Check this out.
A fucking uniform journal entry.
Damn being happy!

So, this book I'm having to read on prescription by Dr. Juneaja
It says that depression is not an illness.
It's a state of mind.
Whatever you feel is first a thought.
Your thoughts are a direct cause to what you will feel.
In other words, we depress ourselves.
He said, if I keep that in mind, I will see how immediately my mind will go to the negative during any situation. It's my first instinct. If there's a problem, I assume the worst & then my mood reflects that.
I don't disagree with this at all.

This whole thing isn't just going to talk to someone like it use to be. This guy...
I like him.
He's making me do homework.
I can see this is headed to some serious self-inflection.
Facing demons.
I'm kinda... not prepared for that. It's a scary thought.
Getting to the root of all my evils.
What if what is unveiled backfires & I become severly introverted?

I've asked Cameron as few times, out of insecurity, if it bothered him I'm not as healthy as the normal person.
Mentally & physically.
Of course, he always says no.
I suppose I would have figured out by now if it did.

I'm sure the whole, once my mood goes to shit 'cause of a dumbshit texting his phone or anything making me unhappy, it is near impossible to get me back in a good mood. I'm sure that bothers him. I mean, I'll get out of my funk eventually & if Cameron helps, it'll happen a lot sooner. But it sucks... I can be so fucking hyper & energetic & then suddenly BLAM -I flatline-

I'ma bring that up next session. Maybe. Bet it's just a mental thing, too.
UUUGGGHHHHH helping yourself is difficult.

I have to attempt shoe shopping agian today. Gala is tomorrow! I think we might get wasted! It's til 10pm! That's a lot of wine tasting! I better not buy major heels!

Monday night is TrueBlood night!
LW & Amber told us it's a two hour episode O_O luuuuvve

Work is making my happy... push to the back. GAH I don't know what to do. I'm gridlocked. I need prices motherfuckers! Where the fuck do you find a good danish?! Sticky buns?! Anyone?!
Instead of finding used, retro, funky furniture... we are now going to spend thousands on new funky furniture >.< That's what happens when you get a a rich jersey girl involved. MOO.
but hey! We have someone to open at 6am! It won't be me! Yah!


I came into the store this morning... & EVERYTHING has been reorganized. The shelves are all changed around. Nice. Keep the store looking different. THIS MEANS CAROLINE ACTUALLY DID WORK! woohoo.
I'm hungry...

We need a toaster. I could be eating bagels right now! I love samples!

My eyes are burning!


I keep thinking I will have to tell Cameron we need to not spend everyday together... that I need to distance myself...
I can see where I'm going at this pace.
I'm going to fall in love with him. &I think it's only a matter of months.
We're going on five months into this... too soon!
He makes not doing so very MUY MUY difficult.
I'll be damned if I say it first!
He&I had this conversation awhile ago, lol.

I am utterly attracted to him in every way possible.
It's hard to look at him & not want to melt into him.
When he touches me, I'm surrendered almost useless.
His soft, warm brown eyes, when they have me in view-
I have to look away & bury my face into his chest.
I can't help my hands that will wander his entire body.

I can't tell him any of this!
I mean, maybe I could, but fuck me
I'm scared to.

I don't like being emotionally vulnerable. Not anymore.
It's been so tabooed.
My insides go berserk when I think about being hurt again like I was with Fred.
Or Aaron. Or Mark.

I'm told, that's just a risk you have to take when it comes to this.
Otherwise, you could miss out on something great.

-_-

Catch22


I need to read that.

Cheerio lads

Comments: 1 smile - Rainy day .

5:04PM - 8Am medicate baby

&who'd of thought...

uhm.

Me!

&It will come down to a mutual civility which down the road maybe a little more and the only disrupting factor will be...

me.

&once again, I can be bad guy. I'm starting to accept that MO.
It's when I intentionally start acting as so....
is when you should worry.
&start putting that Plan B into effect.

&you only ever need a fucking plan B when you think the original plan isn't going to work out.

& I'm the pessimist.
The cynic.
The jaded.
The paranoid.

I want the whole fucking picture.
Don't give me your pathetic polaroid in compensation as if it's going to satisfy me.
With holding details & deviating from from the truth in some fashion of missed words is still a lie.
Can you agree?
Contorting the truth by excluding a little factor here&there to make it mean something other than-
hurts just as much. You know?

& don't get me wrong.
This is fiction.

My mind only thinks out of the box & gets creative when I think I'm being fucked. I could never be an artist unless I was in one of those relationships again. I should make a call.

Apologies. Apologies. Apologies.

To be great you must sacrifice yourself.
Compromise your stability.
& go off the deep end.
&once you do,
you can create.

It seems, if any strong emotion is evident when I wake up
I rarely have control over it.
That emotion will be exaggerated & over-dramatized.
& I could break faces.
This is as opposed to that same emotion arising after a few hours of being conscious. You know?

Any emotion.
I won't be specific.
But general.

& right now.


I'm ready to get out.


I'm ready to turn my back.


I'm ready to say fuck this.


I'm ready to let Plan B win.


I'm sick of the illusions I'm dealt.
Here take this for what it is
Believe it & deal.
Ignore the important details that are intentionally excluded.
For my well-being, yeah?
Or selfish intent.

Don't get me wrong.
This is fiction.


The truth is,

there is less between us on good terms
than there is between the bad terms in which that other foundation fell apart.
How fucked up, huh?
Ironic.
But, no one can say I didn't see it coming.


I can never be here completely, just fragments of myself
While the source of all those historic problems
Remains an entity to be a threat.
&it will always be a threat regardless of- anything.
Because of that other historic life.

& should it ever be requested of me
to cut those ties in which another life held me captive-
it would not be an issue.
It would not be a fucking issue.
Because it's nonexistent
There is no communication
There is no contact
& to cover my bases, I'll say very rarely.
&even then, that could be dropped to zero.


I hate the world today
&it's fucking people.
No one believes in anything anymore.
No one believes in morality.
Good intent.
Selflessness.
Loyalty.

Which is why I keep myself at bay.
Sort of.
I'm a moron
& tend to walk right into those disappointments I see right in front of me.
Moth to the flame?

I'm programmed for failure.
Not really.
But you would think so.
Not really.

I did say this was fiction, right?

Stick.to.your.guns.

For one moment,
I wish you would hold your stage

&say what you really mean.

No lies [all that is even considered a lie] Do I have to go over this again?

How does my head hold so much of this shit?
Where is it kept & how does it begin to flood out like this?


I'm told my mind has a filter in which it lets all the bad through & filters the good.

I could talk my way around that.
&say it's because of REASON.
RATIONALITY < what I'm told is irrational.
EXPERIENCE

& all I'm told in response is that's natural for a pessimist to say.
I see through a mole hole of shit
& no sunshine.

Fuck that.
I know something good when it happens or is going in the right direction.
I'm not disillusioned.

&your only excuse is, I wouldn't know any different.

Why is truth so hard to find?


Some days, I'm just not happy with this life I'm living.
Not leading because I'm being dragged behind whatever I choose to tie myself to.

& today, it feels overwhelming.


Oh, give me a couple hours & all that will change. It's just a sickness.


>>>>EDIT<<<<


So maybe I lied.

Hours later & I'm still on the same track of thought only more provoked as some disturbing things have occured to me.

&I just want to say,

I love when people who 'care about me' defend me admist someone speaking ill about me.

Wait...

I wouldn't know what's that like.
It's always unacknowledged.


&the audacity of contact still remains.


So it goes.


I think it's ridiculous when people ask why I go cold so quick.
Why I don't try and hesitate before going numb.
Why I always assume the worst & run with it.

I am the product of my past relationships.

&no one's proved me wrong yet. No one's proved I shouldn't be this way anymore.
It's called a defense. & I keep having to put it on gaurd.

Because it's inevitable.
Hurt, I mean.
&I've found means to dodge this.
Somewhat.
At what sacrifice?
Well, that should be obvious, yeah?

The more you give, the more you lose.
From yourself maybe.
I don't know.

Apathy is setting in & the drive to write is dwindling.

Hopefully, I will be meeting an old friend for lunch.
Nostalgia is already setting in.
Especially with the cool weather coming in.
As much as I was ready for summer & the beach,
I'm ready for it to fuck off.
I didn't get to enjoy the beach much anyhow.
Or the regular summer festivities.

Days like today, I love work. Even if at the same time, it's the cause to most of my problems.




Conclusion
I don't do second best very well =[

I'm out to win.



Dear fuck me that's funny.
I told my mom the situation & her reply was,
Not cool!!!!!! That trouble making tramp! >blank blank blank< ... “man up” and tell the treasonous tramp to take a hike!"

Never ever have I thought my mom would use the word tramp O_O let alone Treasonous Tramp lmfao
I'ma let ma chow fight my battles from now on =D

Comments: Rainy day .

4:18PM - If these ideas are plans, then by God why aren't you dead?

Hypocrite

The word comes to mind.

Dissembler

Aswell.


I'm really not so shocked at the audacity of people anymore.
Everyday I lose a little more faith in humanity.
& their intelligence.
& their intentions.
& their cowardice.
& their immaturity.

& well, you know
My work here is done.
It was intentional,
you know
I wanted you to surmise the worst.
&based from assumptions,
your true colours shine.

& not that it told me anything new.
It's just... too easy.
& well, you know
self-entertainment.

I've been doing this for years, yeah Blurty?
Is it instinct to just pressume?
In all reality, I can go back years-
Read a few lines & think to myself,
"Who the fuck is this about? I don't remember. It could be atleast 3 people!"
Well, my intentions weren't to confuse myself. Alas.
Just readers, sometimes a specific name.

I had a good many angry with me.

Apparently, I still have that charm.
Which, you know
is exciting.

It's not all been striped away.

I am capable.
& I will manipulate-
where I see fit.


This reminds me of an entry from January 31st, 2008.
In regards to Angie.

It goes:

I run my mouth in the event to speak my distaste.
I.don't.care.for.you.
To flatter yourself thinking I care because I talk shit,
is it desperation for attention?
Listen,
Everyone of you are vulnerable to be spoken about in an unfriendly manner if you have given me reason to no longer show respect for you.
Alas, I could just stay silent.
But this is where self entertainment arises.
I will amuse myself at the cost of you.


Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy
Everything seems to come full circle
& our out of style is back again
Like bell-bottoms and wedges.

It's de-ja-vu of life circumstances.

I've come to a conclusion, kids.
Big Brother comes in more than one form
[other than a gov't eye]
Atleast, in theory.

It's that sick eel again, squirming about our stomachs
Addicted to knowing, wanting
& complaining
when the information is distasteful.

Maybe we should all pray for a blinde eye, eh?

Evidence is not flattery is not blame.
& I am no sycophant.

& it all comes back to that little flaw
of mood influenced issues
& the ressurection
of what was once enjoyable.

Unzip my body&
Take my _heart.
Because I need a beat
To give this tune.


That was a landmark,
I'd say
Last Night.
Once again,
I sink further into this.
&It's amazing,
How I let you in me
So Willingly
anymore
I'm at ease [with you]& find no
hesitation
to let you do with me
whatever you want
whenever
&however
&Even after the fact
there is no guilt
or discomfort//

Regardless,
Even though I think you're beautiful
&such the gentleman
Charming with good intentions
-I still put space between us.
Paranoia created over years
of fuck-overs
&bad relationships
&our prior history
I'm afraid of getting
hurt.


I still can't help but wonder
What's behind that look of his
When he's gazing down at me
As if about to speak-
A hint of... [admiration isn't the right word
But it's the first to come to mind]
In his expression & eyes
A look of heart's ease
&contentment.

I love it.


Overwhelming

from every direction
||Intensity||

&I cannot panic

[this is neither time nor place]


Breathe.

Comments: 4 smiles - Rainy day .

7:05PM - >>You put The Naive in Pathetic

&I could be your
Punkrock Princess
&You could be my
Garage Band King//

[You can tell me how
You just don't fit in
&How you're gonna be
Something]

>>If I could be your
FirstRealHeartache
I would do it
over again
I'll be your heroin


I've finally gained my appetite back.
It got kinda bad there for a good while.
I went from 122lbs to 105lbs in 4 weeks.
Now I'm back to 111lbs thanks to Cameron spoiling me with home cooked meals.
Tonight- Pot Roast =D


This is almost legendary in my book! I couldn't even imagine,
being so disrespectful & bothersome to Fred. [Maybe that's why we can still be friends? We loved one another so much that when we would break-up, broken-heartedly we would wish the other happiness & go our seperate ways.]
That's what a break-up is yeah?

&Love is not selfish.

I am in Awe
A hypothetical inquiry nervously asked
&My stomach dropped&filled with butterflies.
OH I KNOW THE ANSWER
Instead, I replied with a kiss on his forehead::
"We'll cross that bridge when we get there."

&that's just the point- we have to get there.
He obviously must think so?

I'm down if you're down!


le sigh


I'm so tired just from paperwork, computer work, & making calls after calls.
I can't wait for this all to be over & I'm settled in my very own CoffeeShop!
Slam Poetry readings
Club Member Tastings
Classic Movie Night
Friday wine tastings
Chai tea
Expresso
Bacon egg & cheese croissants
-bitchen'-

Getting there is tough. I have so much to do, I literally can't think any deeper that what pops into my head.

I still have the store open -_-
A lady called & said she was on her way so I'm staying open til she gets here...
Maybe I should start cleaning at least.

DAMN YOU EXCEL DAMNY OU T HELL!
Archnemisis... &I can't win!


So, I've been playing Pete Yorn, Yeah Yeah yeah's, Damien Rice & Bright Eyes in the store the passed couple of days. It makes working... a little less frustrating 'cause you can sing!



GAHFUCK this,
||I'm closing||

Current mood: ++[-]

Current music: Warrior//YYYeahs

Comments: Rainy day .

2:28PM - Sink when you Get Close

Tie me to the Bedpost


Oiy vey
Oiy vey
Oiy vey, kids.

Did I break down to Mike? Yes. I'll admit it.
I have so many prejuduces against me.
- I'm a hella young manager
- I'm female
- I wasn't here when this place first opened

Does that give you right to condescend me? Oh no Sir.
Do you think I will join you in your piss contest? Not at all.
Just because Mike & I had the same ideas, it crawled up your ass because it wasn't you.
It wasn't you getting the attention.
It wasn't you with the ideas he liked.

-So you down me. Like I did something wrong changing your blueprints.

We were all brainstorming. Collectively.

fuck you.

-breathe-

Gah. Working with power hungry men, it's frustrating.

&oh so easily forgotten on the weekends.

It's not so much an intense look
It comes softly, wanting to speak
&content.
Above me, all over me
&your face in my hands
both our lips partly opened
&our breathing heavy
& we'll put our cheeks together
&move in rhythm
Slowly now
Intense then
-black out-
[You bring me to my knees]
I can't keep upright.

On the floor- &we are both out to win
& I do until
you cheat.
You can't pinch!
Still, I hold on tighter
Watching your face turn red
-UFC chokehold
-gets you everytime-
Inevitably, your mass overcomes
&I'm contorted in whichway ever
you could put me in.

I have the bruises to prove it

Sweet & annoying
Beautiful & tired
Charming & mean
Giving & rough

-The story of Us.

No, there won't be any regrets.
Even if in anger...
This is time well spent.

Even if I whimpered, I'm glad you didn't take me home.

"Do you like me?"
"I like you like you"
"Ditto"
"jolly good."

It'll be nice to be escorted to the Wine Gala with a handsome gentleman on my arm.
-The Tux & The Cocktail dress-


[Rest assured!]
I am the only one
like me//
Others can Fake it
But you
know what
you like
about me
&that cannot be Faked.


( Read more... )


I don't know how to explain the way my body
[gravitates to you]
The way I get shivers down to my lower back just by pressing up against you.
-&I hate it
Because that means
You've taken my gaurd down
It means-
You are capable of hurting me now
Even if I play cold & uncaring
My insides will squirm with discontent
&anxiety.

You've fought for me.
You've chased after me.
-You were willing to do anything-

&that means something to me.

I don't want to fall in love
I want to enjoy you
as much as possible
[This is the fun phase]
The honeymoon, if you will.
When nothing is too serious
& all is laidback.


&did you ever have to wonder?
Giving him up led him back to me




He's my boy so drunk he doesn't talk
&I'm his girl too sad to give a fuck

Comments: Rainy day .