Tessie's journal

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Sunday, February 2nd, 2003
1:03 am
i'm updating again. for no reason. i'm just bored. i'm just wondering... do i look happy? goodnight. i'm tired.

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1:00 am
i'm listening to music (full blast). it helps a little. you know what. don't even update a journal when you're sad. i mean it just makes me think of sad things again. and i get sad all over again. HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR again! beside everyone else but me is rocks. :) oh yea, i watched Never been kissed just now. i like the movie. it's nice.

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12:57 am
i feel insecure. i need someone to tell me that u don't hate me, and that i am not hateful. why do i feel that everyone hates me. even my darling mother. she hates me because i treat her like dirt (sometimes only!). it is not on purpose. i hate myself. i love my mother. my brother hates me. i hate him for hating me and treating me like mud.

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12:38 am - guess what?
I got myself a new journal! i'm feeling rather sad now (because i was being such an idiot just now to my mother and brother). whatever! I've always knew that i suck (a lot). I know they hate me, especially my father. Even my mother hates me a little. Argh. Am I such a hateful girl? Yes! I am! I know I am! I can't do anything. I am born like that. Like that (an idiot). How can I feel miserable on New Year. I don't know. I am not sad. I'm just... sad for a moment? I'll be happy later. yea i will. enough of sad crap. i suck larhh!!! i really do. okkkk enough.

today i went to my ah ma's house to pai nian as usual. my mother was hurrying me there. in the end we were the earliest to arrive! =/ I was so bored there as nobody was there except my grandparents + my aunt (she went to sleep) that i started doing my maths homework. And then some distant relatives came. I never know how to react! So my mother asked me to act guai and continue doing my homework. And so I did. And they gave me a red packet. And ate a little, drank a little, chat a little and went. it's just that kind of "drop by for exchange of red packet" thing, ya know? (haha fake slang whatever).

ok so later mymummyauntandme gambled. and my aunt described it as "pathetic". so my younger cousins came along and we played loh. what did we do... we basically walk around like idiots doing nothing. and then we decided to play badminto, then went to playground. yea quite sian. my older cousin was trying to take pictures of us using his digital camera. of coz i deleted all my photos.

and then we gambled a bit before dinner. wu liao 1... and i won 20cents?! haha pathetic lah. cuz i only join in when they want to stop already. so after dinner i was like playing simon says with my cousin and basically just wu liao-ing.

oh yah... my older cousin decorated my ah-ma's house until very nice! next time got noticeboard competition or what must ask him for ideas. really simple and nice.

what else what else... my father very idiotic ok! he was like saying "tessie... u are the most fortunate one. from primary 1 until now everyday also mummy fetch u to school". hello?! my school is how far from our house loh. from primary 1 and sec 4... my brother's school so damn near to our house (purposely don't move to new house at sembawang becoz of him). and he still need people to fetch! my school so far then don't need people to fetch one izzit?! and you knwo what. my cousins' school is just opposite their house! of coz walk there. he except my uncle to fetch his kids to school when it's opposite her house meh. idiot 1 leh... nv think 1. some more all my cousins (yes, all, really!) goes to primary school that are so freaking near their house. my cousins go to yu neng and min xin primary. beside my ahma's house loh! what shit is he talking about loh. and now my brother graduate from st gabriel sec sch, my father wants to shift to Sembawang. never spare a thought for me. how to go home from school?! take how many zillions years by bus? idiot.

whatever lah. i'm so pissed off at myself. i suck. my life suck. i know i suck. i just know it. i'll never grow up to be anyone. i'll never even grow up. i'm stupid. i'm idiotic. i'm irritating. nobody likes me. not even me. goodnight kids. i wish u a HAPPY HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR.

current mood: sad
current music: alkaline trio - stupid kid

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