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| 10:16pm 24/06/2009 |
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Oh boy. Wasted so much time on Facebook once I got home. BTW, this picture does nothing to dissuade my vampire fetish: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=435808&id=508841877#/photo.php?pid=5984&id=508841877
Anyway. =^.^;;= Speaking of vampires, True Blood has started again. It's interesting. Lafayette is probably going to become a vampire. Bill Compton is of course having trouble babysitting his new fledging vampire, and Sookie is no help. Maybe you don't care. I have tomorrow (Thursday) off, so feel free to call whenever. I'm going to try to stay up tonight and maybe catch you. We'll see. Not that I have lots to tell you, I guess. I just miss your voice. |
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| 11:00am 24/06/2009 |
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Hey, I miss you. Hope you're doing okay. I would love a hug. I keep thinking about how you squeeze me tight until I can't breathe, and growl in my ear possessively, kissing me a little. (Not that you ever let me kiss you back! XP ) Haha, I hope I see you soon. I wish you would go to the hospital about your Lyme disease. It's only going to get more expensive the longer you wait, because you'll require more antibiotics. As it is, you'll likely be put on a four-week regimen of antibiotics at least and have to go the hospital every week. I can't stand to think of you getting sicker and sicker and no one caring, just because the symptoms aren't so bad yet. Ah, whatever. You're not going to listen to me about that anyway. :-/
Anyway, I should get back to work. Maybe I'll talk to you on the phone sometime today. Hope you're having fun with your job. I do miss you. |
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| 11:14am 21/06/2009 |
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You know, Blurty has a little program you can download and type entries into, so you don't have to go through the hassle of going through a web browser and logging in. Just a thought.
Also- you might want to ask, but I was told that medical insurances don't usually cover preexisting conditions, so I don't know if the military insurance you were thinking of will help with your leg or not. I mean, you probably want to have insurance anyway, but the thought worried me a little.
Anyway, I should be on my way to work soon. Hope you're having fun, whatever you're doing today. I miss you. Maybe I'll hear from you later. |
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| Grouchy. ow. |
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| 05:54am 20/06/2009 |
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5:30 AM and still in pain. Lovely. At least it's my legs and not my stomach now. I'm still a little bothered that he won't call me just because his friends show up late afternoon and keep him til late at night, which is apparently the only time he's awake to talk to people. My friends are used to me making five-minute phone calls in the midst of hang-out time, and they respect that. At least a call to say, "Hey, can't talk, but I didn't forget that I promised to call." Maybe I shouldn't have, if it didn't mean anything. His being busy really wouldn't be so bad, except that I keep indicating that I'm miserable and need to talk to someone, and that doesn't seem to affect anything. I've talked to Kiwi once or twice, being really upset about this whole move to Long Island, and now she's mad at Trey for not caring too. I mean, really? "I'm too busy hanging out with my friends and having fun to talk to you?" Not being a morning person includes from wakeup at 9 or 10 til 3 o'clock when people arrive? Even when I'm there in his face? Maybe Kiwi will call tomorrow and I'll be able to think of cheerful things.
If you like, don't pay any attention to this. It's almost 6 AM now, my legs are on fire despite months of this stupid medication, and I'm 200% grouchy. I need a little love, or attention, or something. This is way worse than college. At least there are people at college. None of this would be so bad if it was short-term, but I'm anticipating two months of being here, and at least two or three weeks before I can see anybody else, be it Trey or just my parents. And my birthday is in a week. Whatever. Now I'm just whining. |
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| City with no people |
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| 03:49pm 17/06/2009 |
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Cleaning my room today. Not that there's much to clean. Just transferred my clothes to a drawer. All fits in one, except for a few things that had to be hung up anyway. The room is empty. You can tell I'm staying here because I don't like to bother to make the bed, but that's all, really. I haven't eaten anything. I tend not to bother when I'm really lonely. I should eat something. I will eventually. Funny dreams last night. I had these pets, a baby mouse and a gerbil, and for some reason that I forget, they had to be in a little container of water for a minute while I did something important. There wasn't a lid; I thought they could swim for a minute. But then I looked down and they had gone bald and were sort of floating at the top. When I took them out and let them dry, they hardened. I couldn't tell for sure, but I guess I had killed them. There was another dream, too, that I was getting married, and everyone came to Watkinson, because it was going to be in the amphitheater. There were a lot of people making speeches and giving performances before the important part at the end, and for some reason, I was called away during one of the speeches. Something had gone wrong, and it was really important that I build a small boat. I was going as fast as I could, since I knew I had to be back down in the amphitheater for my own wedding in just half an hour or so. So I built this little rowboat very quickly, and it was a pretty decent rowboat, for someone's who's not a carpenter. I knew that I was running late, and the groom was probably standing around waiting for me at the altar, so I got in the boat and slid in it down the stairs to the amphitheater stage. What an entrance. But he just looked at me, disgusted that I made him wait, especially because he felt humiliated being forced to wait on stage like that in front of the audience, and called the whole thing off. I didn't know what to do. It wasn't even my fault.
Silly me. Maybe I should have stayed home, driven my car around and gotten my license, worked at the bank with Kiwi. That would have been the smart thing to do. Probably would have made more money. Makes me want to go back to school, just so maybe I'd know a few people, and be able to get food without any trouble. I've been reading all morning. It's pretty good, of course. But I can't read all day alone like this. Talk about a city with no people. |
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| Whoo! New York! |
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| 06:25pm 14/06/2009 |
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So here I am, finally. Not under all the circumstances I had hoped, but I'm excited nonetheless. With any luck I'll hear when I start work soon and begin to learn my way around the city. My aunt and uncle have been great. Of course I'm expected to help out around the house while I'm here, cooking and cleaning and that sort of thing. Trey's not allowed upstairs or in the basement, and he can't stay overnight, but hopefully that won't be problematic. I expect it'll be just me and my computer chilling out most of the time, since my aunt and uncle are often busy. But they say they'll help me with anything I need, and I get to go out on walks and to various activities with them. Should be fun. Maybe I'll get to run into some friends eventually. I can't believe myself though- I went through all the trouble of taking my PS2 with me, and I find myself playing Chrono Trigger on my computer. Old school. XD I hope things are okay with Trey. I miss him a lot. I guess I shouldn't expect him to think of me so much while he's busy with his friends. I guess I'm just used to talking to him everyday and being one of his lifelines outside the military, hearing constantly how much he missed me and wanted a hug. It was nice to see him smile again. Not that I'm not still nervous about his Lyme disease, but there's not much left I can do.
I should call Lishy. If I don't call her back she'll probably think I'm avoiding her or that I don't like her.
Sort of tired. It's only 6ish, so I shouldn't be. Bah. Need to find something to do.
Edit: Haha, and three miles around the track with my relatives and my brain is still muttering "I hope he calls I hope he calls I hope he calls." You'd think I was five. |
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| 01:13pm 13/06/2009 |
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I feel like something's amiss. I call you up and we trade facts of our day. I'm on the verge of asking, "Are you mad at me?" "Are you okay?" "Can I help?" "Are you just tired?" "Do you still love me?" But I keep waiting for you to say something like, "Yeah, I'm kind of stressed, but I'm all right. I'm doing what I can. You're still important to me." We run out of interesting facts. You tell me you have to go do something. I don't say anything, in case you're about to say something. Nothing. Hang up. Maybe you're fine.
I talked to Phil yesterday. That's how I was able to finally get to sleep by 2 or 3. He complained to me about the same old problems in his life, and we laughed about the strange guys he's been dating. I have very silly friends. I like to surround myself with positive people. Even when things are a little dreary there's always something to smile about. People like Phil and Kiwi are great for my self-esteem, because they're always telling me how great I am, how weird and unique I am. I hope I can be like that too, and cheer up the people around me. |
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| Gah |
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| 09:17pm 12/06/2009 |
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I wish he'd at least talk more so I knew what he was thinking. If it was me, I'd be itching to get out of there and get going, so I'd have half a chance at getting into college and getting settled somewhere. It's so painful to care about someone who shows no outward signs of caring about himself. Even if you're not hungry, a person should eat healthy food. Especially with high blood pressure. As far as I can tell, he doesn't care that Lyme disease might cripple him, and is already guaranteed to permanently weaken him, given how long he's gone untreated. And now he's gone from putting off his move from last week, when I was there to help, to "whenever." I got a job in New York City first in the hopes of being a few miles away from him and maybe living with Kiwi, and then was willing to settle for being a few hours away from him and living with my aunt. Now I'll probably be sitting around awkwardly with my uncle and no transportation, wondering why I'm there.
The first day he came back was perfect. He hugged me and kissed me and held my hand. And then afterwards he seemed so much less interested. I kept hugging and kissing him, but I never got to steal a kiss on the mouth unless it was at night and led to more. I left a message saying "I love you!" and asked, "Did you read it?" and all he said was "Yeah." I'm sure he's probably stressed, but if he is, he doesn't show it, except by being silent and not eating. I feel like I'm being annoying by caring, instead of helpful, which bothers me to no end. I don't know. I wish he would go to the doctor, at least, before he ends up on crutches, which I know now is not unrealistic.
I know it's not my life. But it's one I love, and I think that gives my opinion a little weight, perhaps. I hope he won't be mad if he reads this. But it's my journal, and I have to write these thoughts, whether or not he ends up reading them. |
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| For Trey |
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| 12:21pm 07/06/2009 |
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I love you!!! |
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| 12:10pm 08/05/2009 |
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Apparently Katrina is much stupider and unforgiving than I ever gave her credit for. They honestly think that Trey would come back, spend all his thousands of dollars, be unable to set aside three thousand for rent, and make everyone else pay his rent without caring. These were her major complaints: (1) Trey didn't pay his rent even though he was working more jobs than the people who were going to school. (As if he didn't have more bills than everybody too. Grr.) (2) He didn't seem to care that other people were paying his rent. (That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Of course he was upset about it.) (3) He's spent a lot of money on computer parts, so he won't have money left over for rent and bills. (Hmmm, let's see: $15,000- ~$5,000 = $10,000. WTF???)
And her final proof is that even Bill "caved to the logic????" What logic?!
It makes me sick that she won't even admit that she's made a mistake. They could have asked: "Do you want to be on the lease? Do you think you'll be here the whole year?" That would have been valid. But "OMFG, he's totally not going to pay rent even though he has at least $10,000" is the most idiotic thing I've heard. And that's genuinely what they're thinking. There goes all my respect for those people.
What makes me mad is that the moment she heard my voice, she immediately became defensive. She wouldn't let me explain the flaws in her logic, and anything I did say, no matter how clearly or obviously, she would gloss over, as if it didn't matter.
If she would just admit she's made a mistake, all of this might perhaps have been forgotten. The fact that she doesn't even want to be wrong shows a blatant disrespect for someone she insists she likes. |
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| 11:28pm 07/05/2009 |
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I'm so frustrated with this whole thing. In the first place, he shouldn't be on the lease just because he won't be there the whole year anyway. And I don't know what the heck happened that Bill kept insisting that everybody loves Trey, but apparently not everybody trusts him to keep up with rent?? That's stupid, he'll have plenty of money. And after all the extra money he's been paying, you'd think they'd feel themselves indebted for lowering their rent. It's not as if he hasn't been earning that money. I'm going to talk to Katrina tomorrow. I called her tonight but she said she was busy and that I could call in the morning. She didn't know who I was. That's disappointing, considering how nice she's always been to me.
I really want to stomp around, or swear or something. I don't know how these idiotic ideas get into people's heads. Because if they do like him so much, then it is just stupidity. I can't say I blame Trey for being mad and insulted, given those options.
I was so hopeful. Had the whole bright future waiting for me. And then this thing comes up just to ruin it. I guess I'm being selfish. Maybe Trey would be happier at home, far away from me. I think I just wanted to hear that at least he would try, that he would keep an open mind, think of something with me, and if all that failed then at least he'd be missing me. Maybe he's tired of talking to me everyday. I know I never have anything interesting to say, and apparently I fail at being helpful when he's upset. I just get yelled at. I hate causing him more stress when I know he hardly sleeps and never has any fun. I know he's probably at the end of his rope. I shouldn't be demanding more of his attention. I'm so tired of all this. I just want things to be okay, so he can come back to civilization and relax and I can hug him and be happy. It's hard to stay positive for someone who's always angry and exhausted, even with his friends. I've run out of things to be excited for. He drove three or four hours out of his way after driving seven hours from Grove City, the second or third time we went to Hofstra, to pick me up. I never forgot that. If he came for a week a month over the course of the summer, though, that'd be like living in the city for a month. That would be so many hours of driving. And that's only if he doesn't have a job. One way or another I'll definitely have a job, so I can't drive all that way. I don't think anyone would trust me to drive that far by myself anyway. My thoughts are so disconnected. I can't think straight. Jesus. I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with having a boyfriend in the military. I knew. What was I supposed to do? Threaten to break up with him? I thought things were going to be okay, that things always turn out right eventually. He seemed a little better recently, when we were writing. And now I don't know. Even if he has to go home, I wish he'd give me some positive reassurance or something that maybe it wouldn't be so bad, just so I knew he was hoping to see me too, and not giving up because he doesn't care. For the life of me I can't cheer him up lately. It makes me so sad. I hope he's okay. I wish I knew what to do. He's probably going to read this. Maybe I shouldn't post this. I don't want to upset him. Whatever. This is my journal, not like a letter or anything. |
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| Die Zukunft ist immer hoffnungsvoll |
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| 09:50pm 28/04/2009 |
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In ein perfektes Welt wirst du nicht so traurig fühlen. Wann du zu mir l?ufst zurück, wird die Sonne und der Mond heller scheinen, und jedes klein Unglück wie nichts fühlen. Ich werde Abendessen bei deinen Haus haben, so oft wie wir können und wollen. Jeden Freitag darf ich bei deinen Haus bleiben. Zweimal die Woche werde ich in deinen Arme einschlafen, und zweimal die Woche werde ich auch da aufwachen. Wir können ins Kino oder ins Konzert ausgehen oder zu Hause ruhen. Ich werde dich umarmen, so oft wie ich will, und ich werde dich sicher fühlen machen, ?hnlich wie du immer mich hast. Und jedesmal, dass ich dich lasse, kann ich dir einen Kuss geben und ehrlich sagen: "Ich werde dich bald sehen." Ich liebe dich so sehr. Ich will nur dein L?cheln sehen und dein Herz schlagen fühlen. Ich freue mich auf diesen Zukunft.
(The ?'s are a's with umlauts. You can run it through a translator or I'll tell you what it says tomorrow.) |
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| 11:56am 24/04/2009 |
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Hey, sorry if I was grumpy yesterday. I hope you're doing okay over there and you're not falling asleep with your module. XP
I suppose I sort of lied when I said I've never been mad at you- but only because I've been feeling sort of lonely and upset that you've been away, not for any substantial reason. If I've been mad at you, it's only because I miss you and hate to see you miserable.
I wish I could talk to you during the day, when I feel a little more sensible. I'm always thinking of you, and what I would say to you. Not that I ever have anything interesting to say- I just like thinking of you. I guess it's silly.
It's a nice day out, at least. It's supposed to be in the 80s for the weekend, so I'm hoping the cherry and magnolia flowers will start to come out. The trees have had these little red buds on them for weeks; it makes me impatient.
Oh man. I wasted so much time last night after writing my German paper instead of going to bed. Was looking at all the awesome clothes I'll buy some day when I have oodles of money, so I can look like a real rivethead, and not some lazy schlub in second-hand clothing.
I'm very fond of this store, but the prices are totally ridiculous:
http://cryoflesh.com/shop/eclipse-top-p-602.html
http://cryoflesh.com/shop/cellion-top-p-666.html
http://cryoflesh.com/shop/wunderlust-pants-p-1339.html
http://cryoflesh.com/shop/devious-revenge-3018-p-812.html
Haha, this one kind of screams, "Tifa" : http://www.findcoolclothes.com/04492.html
Dude, since when can pearls be different colors? : http://shop.thebreastcancersite.com/store/item.do?itemId=33717&siteId=224&sourceId=224&sourceClass=StoreSearch&index=7
Some of these clothes are not very practical for wearing everyday, even if they're kinda cool: http://www.findcoolclothes.com/04192.html
I need to find some way to replace the lens in my goggles, too, or else find some cheap new goggles. Gah.
Yeah, so this post has been very materialistic, but sometimes fashion can be fun. Blegh, that sounds like such a girly thing to say. XP But there are rivets! And leather! And weird futuristic cuts! And sometimes random computer chips! Whee! |
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| 10:34pm 21/04/2009 |
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Hey, is there something wrong with your phone? I don't think you've gotten at least my last five or so text messages I've sent. I don't know if maybe your inbox is full? I called you at 7:30, too, right before I went to work, but you didn't pick up. I'm calling now I'm off work, but you aren't picking up, though you're probably asleep.
Call me? Or reply here or something? |
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| 12:52am 21/04/2009 |
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So... Jenn's about to reveal the extent of her nerddom:
You know how I have that minor fixation for hands? I got the idea for that originally from Star Trek. Now, hear this one out before you call me completely crazy. It's a Vulcan thing that started with the actor Mark Lenard, who played Sarek, Spock's father that shows up from time to time. But every time that Sarek shows up to pester Spock, Spock's human mother is always by his side. Sarek's actor figured that he and his wife ought to have some way of showing affection, but that it should be something very discreet, since he's a Vulcan. Thus began the convention that Vulcans show affection by lightly touching fingers, instead of doing human things like hugging/kissing/holding hands. The scenes with the Vulcan "kisses" are very romantic, and always quietly understated. It's easy not to notice them.
Vulcans can't actually hold hands because they have very *sensitive* hands, of course. XD Who knows what would happen to them if they actually did what we do. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy, but I like hands in general, and there's something kind of hot about giving attention to a body part that is usually used to act and give, rather than receive. I suppose it's also vaguely sort of a trust thing, since you can taste all the dirt and germs on a person's hand, and have to not care. I like thinking of dipping your fingers in chocolate and licking and sucking them clean... =^.^;;= It's a lot easier to see the reaction on your face if I do something to your hands then if I do something elsewhere. Not that I don't like giving you attention in other places...
I don't know how I'll ever be able to keep my hands off you once I see you. I want to make you crazy, to experiment more with my mouth perhaps, or find ways to tease the rest of your body. I want to kiss you all over, your lips and face, neck, chest, shoulders, arms, legs, privates, stomach, back up to your neck and then to your lips again, just to make your skin tingle the way you make mine tingle. I'm so on edge these days- you have only to write about the buttons on your pants and I begin to shake already. I miss all of those things you've written about. I miss kissing you and holding you close. I miss feeling you moving inside me, and your perfect skin moving against mine, your heart pounding against my heart, your chest teasing my sensitive chest. I miss the look on your face, in the midst of all that, tired, lost, and awed and so in love. I can't help but kiss you when I see that look. I miss looking down and seeing us joined, not really able to process coherent thoughts, but shocked and awed at the incredible reality of each moment. I love to kiss you deeply and pull you so close, feeling that if we were any closer I might meld right into you, and you into me. I love the look on your face and the involuntary groans that escape your lips when I've done everything right, and your whole body tightens as if I've killed you with pleasure. I love to lie beneath you, just still and warm and slightly damp, protected under you, seeing and feeling your contentment, hugging you to keep you from going, talking with you softly. I could fall asleep like that, safe and warm and happy. Just to be with you, just to be close to you, is everything I need. |
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| 09:18pm 19/04/2009 |
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I miss you. Honestly, I don't care so much what we do when I see you, so long as I get to hug you and hold your hand and talk to you face-to-face for once. Just to have you with me, to know you're there. I need you. I have such a hard time caring about anything else these days, because I'm too emotionally tired. I wish I'd gotten to talk to you earlier. I get to be such as wreck at the end of the day. I want so badly to give you a hug every time you ask, to make everything better, when you sound tired or tell me your head hurts.
I'm so tired. I don't want to go to work tonight. I know it won't be bad. I just don't want to deal with people right now. Dammit, I'm really sick of crying all the time. I feel stupid. |
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| So helpless |
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| 11:07pm 17/04/2009 |
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If you're going to write me something crazy, then I've got to do one for you:
I had actually been thinking lately that it must be more difficult for you to be frustrated, because you can often actually physically tell. Even if I'm totally worked up, I'm never sure how much of it is just in my head, or if the rest of me is genuinely frustrated too. I kind of like that I can tell with you, though. I can't help but think of it sometimes, how nice it feels to have that proof of how wild I can make you, how nice it is to rub my body against yours as we kiss, just to feel you. What a strange adventure it was, getting to know that side of you. I remember being so nervous and excited, not really knowing what to do, trying to figure out how I was supposed to touch you that way. Haha, that was my aunt's birthday, wasn't it? You came and picked me up from my aunt's house, and when we got to your house I couldn't keep my hands off you. I like feeling the change in your body, knowing I can do that to you, knowing I can increase the effect. I like having my hands all over you, making you crazy. And the noises you make, and the things you say- I swear your voice alone can set me on fire. I hardly know what to do when you say things on the phone. I feel myself electrify a little, every time. I'm helpless. |
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