||alicia keys - if i ain't got you
when i woke up this morning, i was wondering why did i dream about lizbeth's dad? i still call him my brother-in-law. he's a good friend. he was helping in the dream. the night before that, i dreamed about my dad. i don't like "seeing him" so much lately. i hear he's having a hard time with the news of grandma. he is also very close to her and he treats her like a princess. you know, it's kind of ironic.. but it's through him that i learned how to treat and appreciate my mom, my aunts and my grandmas. he's really good at that stuff when it comes to women .. oh, except for when it comes to women he's involved with. so, he's pretty broken up over the news. he'll be seeing her in about 2 weeks. angie is also thinking about driving down there around the 2nd week of august. i think i might join her. mom might too. mom's doing ok. i talked to her today.. she sounded good. but i know that she needs the comfort of her sisters.
sooooo.... yes, i think about it often. i'm lucky to have some kind of project to be working on to occupy my time. but those times when i sit still.. those are the times when my eyes will fill with tears. whether i'm by myself or even in public. it happened on the way to my psych appointment.. three times. it happened at my psych's office.. twice. and it happened briefly while on the phone with mom. i feel like running.. running back, not running away.. running back Home. as selfish as it may seem, i want to be as close to her as possible... until the day comes to say goodbye. i thin it's selfish because more than likely, i'd probably just be in the way. shit, i want to move down there.. i just can't take this long distance crap.
when i first heard something was wrong, i questioned what my aunts were telling my mom. and from what they told mom, and what mom repeated back to me.. i went to karri with all of it. because at first they were saying the kidneys were affected then it was her gallbladder and that she was going to need non-invasive surgery. to me, that was a weird. how they were describing the situation was "off" for me. so, yeah, i emailed karri. and she was more than supportive and informative. i trust her. she's a good nurse. so, she offered more info on possibly how things must've went down. that was just with the info on the gallbladder. the next day, we heard it was cancer. and i don't feel so decieved, but i feel very strongly about being more in the know now.. about being around to help - not only with grandma, but also with my cousins. besides, they would definitely be helping me.
we have this tradition on this side of the family. my uncle is a professional photographer. so, when we were younger and through the years, there's always been pictures taken of all the children together. not only us, the cousins, but also grandma's children, the aunts and one uncle. and we're all lined up in the closest possible way to the original photo. my aunts had their photo taken last month while we were there. there's one of us cousins, all sitting on this half wall or ledge in the front of my aunt cecilia's house. i'm not sure of how many of us were sitting on it, but we were way young.. maybe i was five. i don't know. since then, the picture has been recreated, but we've never been able to have all the cousins there at one time. i was thinking about that today.. and shaking my head.. i don't want to take that picture and have it mark a day that i'm dreading. because i know that's when we'll all be there together. that would be one sad picture. i hope we can get it taken before then. maybe in august. the first pic was so happy.. so innocent.. we gush over it each time we see it.. "look at so and so.. look at me looking at so and so.." we all love each other so much. i've never come across a family like this side of the family. anyway, i don't want to take 'that picture' after she's gone.. or even too close to that day. i'm selfish that way.
i rambled. i was going to say that it's been on my mind all day.. that even "my obsession" hasn't been able to hold my attention. the obsession.. painting.. cooking.. nothing.
( so, let's get superficial. )