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[24 Jun 2006|06:15pm] i worry about him and the recent changes he's making in his life. it's like they're all of a sudden. not only that, he's taking more chances and they can be life threatning. i wonder if he listens to othe people's warnings or brushes them off? either i'm being negative, or cynical, i'm just sensing something horrible coming up in the future. laugh with me

they'll never understand. [26 Apr 2006|09:18pm] [ music | Sebadoh - Willing To Wait ] sometimes it hurts too much. like i can feel it gut my stomach out. whatever "it" is... even right now, it can bring me to tears. it's the pain that i'm told to hush about. it's everything that i don't say that i want to say. it's a pain that never goes away no matter how much i can laugh during the day. no matter who's making me smile for the moment.. no matter what. it doesn't go away no matter how hard they try. laugh with me

could this be out of line? [23 Apr 2006|03:30pm] [ music | acceptance - so contagious ] Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected And I can tell that I've been moving in so slow Don't let it throw you off too far Cause I'll be running right behind you Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line) To say you're the only one breaking me down like this You're the only one I would take a shot on Keep me hanging on so contagiously Oohhh, when I'm around you I'm predictable Cause I believe in loving you at first sight I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to.. To take a hold of you Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line) To say you're the only one breaking me down like this You're the only one I would take a shot on Keep me hanging on so contagiously Oh you're everything I'm wanting Come to think of it, I'm aching On account of my transgression.. Will you welcome this confession? Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line) To say you're the only one breaking me down like this You're the only one I would take a shot on Keep me hanging on so contagiously laugh with me

a little one. [10 Jul 2005|10:28pm] [ music | sinead o conner - sacrifice ] what's been going on with me the past year: i don't live with my sister anymore. i say i was kicked out. she says i moved out. we've recently had a sit down, grown up talk to try to mend our differences. if anything came out of that talk, it was that we were able to communicate with respect for each other's viewpoint. i hardly get to see the kids anymore though. and that kills me. but i will be now since a bunch of family get togethers are coming up soon. i live with my mom and my step-dad, mike. things are pretty cool between all of us. i thought it might be a slow form of suffocation, and it still can get that way, but for the most part, i feel like i'm finally being "allowed" to be the person that i am without great expectations from anybody. what's been cool about this is how well mike and i get along. i used to fear him. now i see him as a buddy. i still don't work. i qualify for SSDI, which was just approved last month. i'll be getting a huge retroactive check soon, which mike is going to invest for me in some CD's or stock of some sort for my future (after i splurge a little). i'll also be getting a monthly check which i'll use to pay them rent, and also, start paying on my student loans and rebuilding my credit. i don't know how long i'll be living with mom, but i'm thinking it might be a while... unless a grant comes through for housing for me. and thank goodness, i finally get some type of insurance coverage with these benefits. i'll be serving on the board of directors for lifenet community behavioral healthcare as a consumer. i've been a candidate for this for a few months, but i still haven't heard when i officially start. my position with them will be as a voice for the ones receiving treatment. i'm hoping this will lead to other volunteer positions. in less than 2 weeks, it'll be the anniversary of my grandma's death. it's been a little emotional over here... say, maybe for about 2 weeks. but thank goodness, mom and i aren't as depressed as we used to be. sometimes, i think grandma led me here. we have a new puppy. it's a shih tzu, which we often refer to as "you little shit".. his real name is parker. i'm not sure how old he is, maybe 4 or 5 months. he sleeps in my room every night.. and just my luck, he snores and moans in his sleep. he really is a little shit and sometimes i wish he would be just like jack.. *misses* now that i have some breathing room, as far as money goes, i'm going to venture out creatively for me. i'll be getting a laptop (probably a mac) so i can write whenever and wherever i want. i'll be enrolling in some writing courses again. i'll also be enrolling in some photography courses since i did so well with that when i was in college. we just got me a digital camera today, but i'll be getting a more professional one when the time is right. the goal for me is to eventually sell my pictures.. or at least have them displayed somewhere. but i guess before i can plan ahead like that, i need to learn PSP and photoshop a little better. the way things "fall into place" always amazes me. you worry and worry over a situation and somehow solutions always come. just shows me how adaptable i am and how i'm always able to bend. but i'm thinking most people are like that. i'm reading "the perks of being a wallflower" right now. it reminds me of salinger's "catcher in the rye". 9 giggles| laugh with me

[09 Jun 2005|04:49pm] Every time I try to walk away Something makes me turn around and stay And I can't tell you why ~eagles

[01 Jun 2005|05:34pm] [ music | good charlotte ] "Say Anything" Here I am on The phone again, and Awkward silence is On the other end I used to know the sound Of a smile in your voice But right now (right now) All I feel (All I feel) Is the pain of the fighting Starting up again All the things we talk about You know they stay on my mind On my mind All the things we laugh about They'll bring us through it every time After time after time Don't say a word I know you feel the same Just give me a sign Say anything, say anything Please don't walk away I know you wanna stay Just give me a sign Say anything, say anything Some say that Time changes Best friends can Become strangers But I don't want that No, not for you If you just stay with me, we can make it through So Here we are again The same old argument And now I'm wonderin' If things'll ever change, yeah When will you laugh again? Laugh like you did back when We'd make noise til 3 AM and the neighbors would complain All the things we talk about You know they stay on my mind On my mind All the things we laugh about They'll bring us through it every time After time after time Don't say a word I know you feel the same Just give me a sign Say anything, say anything Please don't walk away I know you wanna stay Just give me a sign Say anything, say anything I'm fallin' I'm fallin' I'm fallin' down I'm fallin' I'm fallin' I'm fallin' down Down Down Down Don't say a word I know you feel the same Just give me a sign Say anything, say anything Please don't walk away I know you wanna stay If you'll just give me a sign Say anything, say anything Don't say a word (Please don't leave) I know you feel the same Just give me a sign Say anything, say anything Please don't walk away (Please don't leave) I know you wanna stay Just give me a sign Say anything, say anything ~good charlotte

[01 Jun 2005|05:16pm] [ music | taking back sunday - your own disaster ] "Your Own Disaster" Just think of this and me as just a few of the many things to lie around to clutter up your shelves And I wish you weren't worth the wait because there's some thing's I'd like to say to you... And I don't think that you know what you've been missing 'Cause I don't think that you know what you've been missing And I dare you to forget the marks you left across my neck from those nights when we were both found at our best Now I could make this obvious, and you, you could deny me all in one breath you could shrug me off your shoulders... And I don't think that you know what you've been missing 'Cause I don't think that you know what you've been missing And I don't think that you know I said I don't think you know I said I don't think you know what your missing Hey, lush, have fun It's the weekend Hey, lush, have fun Hey, lush, have fun It's the weekend Hey, lush, have fun I don't think that you know what you've been missing I don't think that you know what you've been missing Just forget me it's that simple Just forget me it's that simple ~taking back sunday

[31 Aug 2004|09:46pm] i feel left out. i feel separated.. like "away" from others. i'm in the same room with them, it's not that "alone in a room full of people" feeling.. it's more like being painfully aware that i'm not on the same page as them... same page with anyone. i feel misplaced. 14 giggles| laugh with me

[26 Aug 2004|07:47pm] damn, julie chen. could you look any hotter? with the legs, the dress, the makeup, the eyes... hottt. trey is grounded again. he just got through with his other grounding yesterday. all he has to do is call. that's it. he'd get a 'yes', why doesn't he call? btw, i'm not the one doing the grounding or making the decision to do it, sis is. i'm tired of writing about others. i'm sick to my stomach. have been all day. i'm down again. depressed or something. lifeless. trey's reading up on me even more now - educating himself on depression and manic depression. he's looking out for me, i suppose. it brought tears to my eyes. but it also made me feel like a big pathetic emotional loser because... how sad.. my nephew is concerned about me. i don't know how to explain it. i don't want him to worry about me. i wish i could turn off my thoughts today. they're all crammed in my head.... it's overloading. worries, conversations, other people worrying, words, impressions, ideas, perceptions... it's been confusing lately. i want it all to stop. i hate this feeling i've been having lately. i guess this is the 'mixed state' people keep talking about. i've never really claimed it.. always claimed either the 'up' or the 'down'. this feels too confusing for me. i want it to stop.... because it's hurting on the inside. that's it. it's hurt. and nobody's hurt me. that's what gets me. i have no reason to be hurting. i just am. 3 giggles| laugh with me

[26 Aug 2004|01:53pm] i have 4 gmail invites. any takers? 6 giggles| laugh with me

[24 Aug 2004|03:26pm] i have my last game today. i'm glad. but it's hot, dammit. it's supposed to feel like 102*. great. i don't know why i don't like playing with this team. is it because they're all sarcastic with one another and have harsh attitudes? or is it really because they lose all the time or don't know how to play their positions? there's only a few that do.. and that's no fun. but, even i suck at whatever position i'm at. at least, the way i 'see' it. still, losing sucks.. even if it is just for fun. i've always played on winning softball teams. one year, we blew our chance to go to nationals in new york by one lousy run. but we were always in the top 3 at regionals. bleh. i think my attitude is more from the attitude of others. it's infectious, i guess. i didn't go to my psych appointment because i had a horrible night of sleeping. for about 2 weeks now, i've been waking up at 4am... and that's with me going to bed around midnight or so. you'd think i'd give a damn and go to the psych and fix that little problem.... but no, i wanted to sleep. he probably would've told me that it was all situational, which means no prescriptions for sleeping and no upping my mood stabilizer. he'd probably only up my AD, which i'm going to do on my own anyway. still, i'll reschedule that appointment as soon as possible. mom's having a horrible day again. i do not know what to say or how to act. there's a part of me that wants to just show up at her doorstep hoping to provide some kind of support and comfort. but then there's a part of me that thinks she might not want that, especially since she doesn't want to worry us. i told her i'd rather hear that she's having a rough day then not know at all. i wish she would go back Home and be with her sisters and brother. it's been a litle over a month since grandma passed and everybody is already avoiding getting in contact with one another. i knew this would happen. laugh with me

[19 Aug 2004|01:52pm] it's raining. i'm in this mindset, which happens fairly often, that "everybody" is talking about me. this means everybody... even family. it happens... i'm backing up my computer because windows update is trying to send me SP2 and i've heard bad things about it. i've been at this since about 9am or earlier... reading up on it and such. anybody install it yet? and having problems? and not having problems? did you choose the firewall option? i'm directing this question to anyone that reads this.... anyone. have you heard anything about it thursday_next, say like from steven? it's starting to thunder. maybe i should turn the computer off..... 5 giggles| laugh with me

back [16 Aug 2004|01:49pm] summer is over. it's the first day of school. for me, this means more time to myself. hopefully, i'll also be able to get more things done. course, angie's home. she was supposed to go into work, but i guess ms. i'mtootiredbecauseidotoomuchontheweekends has something else in mind. sleep. it seems like she takes off the first couple of days off from work and not the last part of the week. and it seems to happen every couple of weeks. do you see a pattern mrs. bossman? i do. in other news, i'm feeling better. i was starting to feel a little better saturday afternoon. we went to mom's that day and had to get up early so trey could do some yard work for them, and within an hour of being there, i had to lay down. i was groggy and weak. but, you can't really lay down for a nap if everyone is in the house talking. my family talks a lot. there was lots of laughing and yapping and it was nice to hear. i had talked to mom friday evening and she was so down. she cried on the phone with me. she doesn't do that often. it was a 'grandma' day. i didn't cry. in fact, i talked her through some stuff. i needed that talk just as much as i needed to hear laughter in the air again. so, after laying down for about an hour, i got up and joined the group. i still felt a little sick so i wasn't as involved as i usually am, but that's ok. it was good to see mom. mike even told me that he loved me. wow. that caught me off guard. and angie brought brent to the house. mom told him, "hope to see you again." she never says that. yesterday, for the first part of the day, i was again, weak and groggy. but trey wanted to go hit some balls, so we went to the batting cages in the afternoon. i don't know why he's wanting to go do that all of a sudden, but hey, i'm not complaining. i did pretty well.. did better than the sunday before. while we were out riding around, the windows were down, the radio was loud and he was singing (out of tune).. he was loving it. and i was loving him for loving it. it reminded me of when he was smaller, like about 2 or 3. he was riding with me in my car. i put on my shades and he put on the extra pair of shades that i had. then, he looks around as much as he can because he was barely able to look out the windows. the music's on, we're stopped at a red light and then out of nowhere, he looks at me and says, "we're cool, huh?" that made me smile as much as i'm smiling right now. that kid. he's had 16 years of my life.... almost 17. when we got back home, we worked out chest. felt good to be pressing weights again. today, i'm back in the swing of things. you know, even though it's still summer, the weather has been pretty 'cool' for august, around here anyway. some of the leaves are even falling off the trees..... course, the trees just might need water.... but yeah, fall's coming. just about one more month of summer weather. 6 giggles| laugh with me

[12 Aug 2004|11:55am] it's 75* right now. this morning it was 59*. amazing. what happened while i was sleeping? it never fails..... whenever the weather is perfect like it has been the past few days, i'm either sick or "sick" again. i'm freezing. i was thinking last night.. what if there really isn't a God? what if our beliefs are all in vain.. that we 'deserve' somewhere better to go to.. that we 'deserve' some goodness that we didn't receive while we were alive.. that we're one of 'the chosen' because our faith was so strong... and everyone who was "bad" won't be there around us. .... i don't even know if i worded that right. but you know how it is at funerals.. "she's in a Good Place." well, for sure she's in a good place --> in our minds.. with the way we think of her. and for sure, she's under the ground... and that's it. that's it. that's where it stops. and if i were to die.. that would be it too. only i wouldn't be under the ground, hopefully i'd be cremated. and that would be it. no longer a part of this world, except for in the minds of those that loved me. that's all. i'm loopy. i'll probbaly look at this later and think "what the fuck was i trying to say?" and then i'll forget all about it. and that would be it. 7 giggles| laugh with me

[11 Aug 2004|11:36am] "holding on crushing myself" that's what i was saying when i woke up today. laugh with me

[30 Jul 2004|01:10pm] i'm incredibly sad... and i don't know how to make me.... i don't know when i'll be able to stop thinking about it. when the kids are around though, i'll put on a different face because i know they are watching to see how to act. both of them cried a lot at the funeral. they didn't even really know their great grandma, but after meeting everyone in the family.. after spending time with those that loved her... i think they were able to see what this woman meant to all of us.. and to see all of us sad made them sad. trey called it his "final realization" that she was gone. don't get me wrong, there were moments of happiness though. heck, when this side of the family gets together, we don't know how else to be. the rooms are filled with love.. filled with smiles, smiling eyes... laughing, giggling, teasing, hugging.. filled with kisses and tears. i need all of that right now.. maybe that's why i'm so down. the night we got back, i slept about 10 hours. last night, i slept about 13 hours and i know i could've slept longer. i had to make myself get out of bed and go for my 2 mile walk. but she's still everywhere... to everything that's being said, to every headline, to everything and anything, i want to add, "yeah, but my grandma's dead." i want to scream.. just yell and sob, "you were just here! i just saw you!" that's what makes it so hard for me. there's a part of me that wishes i hadn't seen her so soon. we later figured out that she must've started showing that she was sick when we were visiting just over a month ago. she would fall asleep right in the middle of chaos.. that and not eating much. we just figured it was due to old age and her being tired.. that's all. and then being a pallbearer has really affected me. next to getting and staying sober, that was the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life. i feel like that moment alone has already started to numb me. it feels like the little kid in me was told to go play somewhere else.. that now it's time to be a grown up. i know my sadness won't bring her back. and i'm glad that she's no longer in pain. i'm just having a really hard time with this. don't get me wrong.. well no, do get me wrong. i was going to say i've been happy go lucky here, but i haven't. the only time i was smiling was when i was back Home. i hardly talked or laughed on the trip back and i've hardly done the same now that we're settled back into routine. the dogs aren't even really making me smile... not even jack. 3 giggles| laugh with me

"take this to remember me by" [29 Jul 2004|04:28pm] i was a pallbearer at my grandma's funeral. all of us were her grandkids.. one from each of her child of hers. at first, they were asking firstborns to be the ones to carry her, but 3 of those were girls who weren't strong enough, including my sister. so it ended up being johnny, me, david, benjamin, daniel and fransico. it was the weirdest thing to be a part of but i was honored to be one of the ones carrying her.. just, i didn't want it to be to her grave. it wasn't as heavy as i had been warned but it was hard. it was hard holding all of my tears in. i didn't want everybody to see.... plus, there were so many cameras... even a couple of video cameras. everything was being documented. it was strange carrying her inside the church and people were flashing away. on the way out of the church, tears were strolling down my face, then i saw out of the corner of my eye, a video camera and i shut the tears off. i absolutely hated all the cameras being there. it was all very surreal... i can't get the moments out of my head. it was so quiet on the way to the cemetary. we had to ride in front of the hearse.. i thought we would be riding behind the limo. i didn't like not being able to watch the procession.. i wanted to do the watching and not be one of the ones being watched. inside the van, i was thinking "these gloves look like mickey mouse gloves on my hand." they were huge.. i guess because it's men who are usually the ones carrying the coffin. i had decided that i was going to put these gloves away in a very special place never to be touched again. but after we had brought her to her burial site, the people from the funeral home asked for the gloves and the boutonniere back. i couldn't believe it. what were they going to use them for? how rude. but what they ended up doing made me bawl like a baby. they placed the gloves at the head of the casket and arranged them to form a white cross. then, they placed the boutonnieres on top. i started sobbing. dad held onto me to try to give me comfort but i could hear him crying also. then they lowered her to her grave which took forever. i was thinking, "how low does she need to go down?" it was so quiet except for that clicking noise of the machine that lowers the casket. i'll never ever forget it. ..... grandma always wanted me to remember her. whenever i left her from a visit, she would give me something to remember her by.. even if it was a washcloth that i used while i was there.. it was given to me as i was on my way out the door, "hold onto this so you can remember me." "don't worry grandma, i won't ever forget you." it was always that way. my forearms were really sore the night of the funeral. there was a big knot on my right forearm. i was wondering what the hell did i bang into? since we were staying at my cousin sally's, i didn't put it past me that maybe i bumped into something in the middle of the night. then, while in the shower, i was looking at how big the knot was getting. i formed a fist and let me arm down to look at how big it was then i recognized the formation of my arm and fist. i had gotten the knot from carrying the casket. it must've banged onto the top of the casket while i was carrying it. and then i thought, "grandma left me something to remember her by." *shakes head* she always seems to have the last say so..... it still hurts. 1 giggle| laugh with me

we've been giving lots of random hugs lately [16 Jul 2004|03:17am] [ music | alicia keys - if i ain't got you ] when i woke up this morning, i was wondering why did i dream about lizbeth's dad? i still call him my brother-in-law. he's a good friend. he was helping in the dream. the night before that, i dreamed about my dad. i don't like "seeing him" so much lately. i hear he's having a hard time with the news of grandma. he is also very close to her and he treats her like a princess. you know, it's kind of ironic.. but it's through him that i learned how to treat and appreciate my mom, my aunts and my grandmas. he's really good at that stuff when it comes to women .. oh, except for when it comes to women he's involved with. so, he's pretty broken up over the news. he'll be seeing her in about 2 weeks. angie is also thinking about driving down there around the 2nd week of august. i think i might join her. mom might too. mom's doing ok. i talked to her today.. she sounded good. but i know that she needs the comfort of her sisters. sooooo.... yes, i think about it often. i'm lucky to have some kind of project to be working on to occupy my time. but those times when i sit still.. those are the times when my eyes will fill with tears. whether i'm by myself or even in public. it happened on the way to my psych appointment.. three times. it happened at my psych's office.. twice. and it happened briefly while on the phone with mom. i feel like running.. running back, not running away.. running back Home. as selfish as it may seem, i want to be as close to her as possible... until the day comes to say goodbye. i thin it's selfish because more than likely, i'd probably just be in the way. shit, i want to move down there.. i just can't take this long distance crap. when i first heard something was wrong, i questioned what my aunts were telling my mom. and from what they told mom, and what mom repeated back to me.. i went to karri with all of it. because at first they were saying the kidneys were affected then it was her gallbladder and that she was going to need non-invasive surgery. to me, that was a weird. how they were describing the situation was "off" for me. so, yeah, i emailed karri. and she was more than supportive and informative. i trust her. she's a good nurse. so, she offered more info on possibly how things must've went down. that was just with the info on the gallbladder. the next day, we heard it was cancer. and i don't feel so decieved, but i feel very strongly about being more in the know now.. about being around to help - not only with grandma, but also with my cousins. besides, they would definitely be helping me. we have this tradition on this side of the family. my uncle is a professional photographer. so, when we were younger and through the years, there's always been pictures taken of all the children together. not only us, the cousins, but also grandma's children, the aunts and one uncle. and we're all lined up in the closest possible way to the original photo. my aunts had their photo taken last month while we were there. there's one of us cousins, all sitting on this half wall or ledge in the front of my aunt cecilia's house. i'm not sure of how many of us were sitting on it, but we were way young.. maybe i was five. i don't know. since then, the picture has been recreated, but we've never been able to have all the cousins there at one time. i was thinking about that today.. and shaking my head.. i don't want to take that picture and have it mark a day that i'm dreading. because i know that's when we'll all be there together. that would be one sad picture. i hope we can get it taken before then. maybe in august. the first pic was so happy.. so innocent.. we gush over it each time we see it.. "look at so and so.. look at me looking at so and so.." we all love each other so much. i've never come across a family like this side of the family. anyway, i don't want to take 'that picture' after she's gone.. or even too close to that day. i'm selfish that way. i rambled. i was going to say that it's been on my mind all day.. that even "my obsession" hasn't been able to hold my attention. the obsession.. painting.. cooking.. nothing. ( so, let's get superficial. ) 8 giggles| laugh with me

[14 Jul 2004|08:48pm] this has been one hell of a weird day for me. i'm having a hard time thinking.. my feelings go back and forth from person to person. wondering, how does this person feel, how does the other person feel, what about this view, what about another view... just on and on... never taking time to really feel everything for myself. sure, i've been crying, but i think i'm crying more over how hurt my mom is. at least today anyway. yesterday, it was about the "no fair" thing.. no fair that we had to move away because dad had a good job that was paying him enough and promoting him everywhere.. no fair that i don't get to have as much time with grandma that my other cousins do or have had.. no fair that i'm sober now and have nothing to "take me away" anymore. it's no fair for a lot of things.. no fair, my grandma has too much life in her. i can't even imagine her laying down to sleep forever. i'm really concerned about mom. she's not answering her phone. maybe i can go see her tomorrow before my psych appointment. angie says mom was like this when grandpa died. i don't remember and i feel like a schmuck for not. see, i had other things to do.. like drinking and drugging and falling in love. i had laura to not only help me through it but also distract me from everything. now.... now i don't have a laura in my life. i haven't written about grandma before. not much that i remember anyway. i know that for the past 8-10 years or so, we've had a special bond. maybe she makes all the grandkids feel that way.. i don't know. but i feel special enough to claim it. when we're together, we talk about grandpa a lot. she tells me things and i listen. and i ask questions. forget about being polite, i want to know their story.. i want to imagine what they went through with their relationship and their family. i want to know her feelings and thoughts. i want to know. i don't think the others ask. she and i have the exact same hand size. exact. fingers and hand.. they're identical. if we put up our hands to match each other, everything's evenly matched. we found this out one day when we were holding hands when she was crying about grandpa. it was our own little claim to each other for a few years before we shared it with others. so ever since we found this out, whenever we see each other again, we always take time to hold hands again and compare and once again, feel like we just discovered it. i look at my hands now, and like other times before, i think to myself, "i have grandma's hands." it's a tender spot for me that feels a little raw right now. last night/this morning i didn't go to bed until about 4. woke up at 6, back to bed at 730, up again at 1130. it's been a quiet day. the tv hasn't been on once all day... even when trey's friends came over. it's been one of those days where i'll just sit still and think. lots of memories and lots of wonder going on... lots of love. i've been having a hard time eating. halfway through my meals, i'll think about how she can't stomach too much.. how she hasn't been able to eat that much for a year or so.. about how much pain she must've been in and yet didn't tell anyone... it sickens me to know that she probably was in a lot of pain when we were there visiting a month ago. i should've written about the trip.. i still can. i told myself that i wasn't going to do this.. write about her.. dwell on the situation in my journal. but now i figure, why the hell not. maybe it'll prevent me from going "down", maybe it'll prevent me from drinking and maybe it'll help me to be stronger for my family. maybe. but in a way, i hope i get superficial again..... it's been a long 24 hours. 3 giggles| laugh with me

[14 Jul 2004|03:50am] [ mood | sad, hurt, guilty, frail, lonely ] i found out today (actually yesterday) that my grandma has cancer. it's all over her insides. it's too far gone and they're not going to do chemotherapy. they will keep her in comfort at home. my aunts are taking turns watching over her and along the way, they will be hiring a nurse to take care of her at home rather than putting her in a hospital. the prognosis is 6 months. i have been crying on and off for the past 7 hours. it was my dad's birthday today (yesterday). this year was the first year that i totally forgot. we won our game 18-11. i didn't get to play second. i had to play right center. got on base twice, crossed the plate twice and screwed up twice. we finished painting lizbeth's room already. it looks good. i'm concerned about my mom. this is just awful news for her. she didn't handle her dad's death too well and i'm afraid this will hurt and haunt her even more. i don't want to cry around her, but i bet when i do see her next, i'll be bawling like the day that i was born. i'm so sad. all i want to do is go back Home and hold onto grandma while she rests her weary little body. 9 giggles| laugh with me

[12 Jul 2004|06:54pm] my grandma is in the hospital.

my "to do" post for shannon [12 Jul 2004|10:57am] i woke up late.. again. i'm having a hard time getting to sleep lately. it's been around 3-4 am for the past 4 or 5 days. the pills don't help anymore. first thing i'm going to do today is go for my walk. then back to make brunch for the kids. then start painting lizbeth's room. today it'll just be primer and then taping up the room after it dries. make a few phone calls.. don't forget. i need to call mom.. i haven't talked to her in a bit. in fact, we haven't been talking on the phone as much as we used to. i could dwell on that one, but i think it's been because i haven't put forth the effort. and i know anytime i do think about calling her, most of the time, the phone is in use. need to work out chest and shoulders. make dinner. throw the ball for a good 30 mins. maybe play basketball. and probably shower once or twice during this whole time. tomorrow, i'll start painting lizbeth's room. she wants it to be a dark blue and a dark brown. it'll go. i can "picture" what she wants and we already played with the colors and layout on the computer. then i have therapy at 4, then softball game at 630. i think the girl i had mentioned in my saturday night post might be there. i hope not. i'll probably end up playing for her aa group, though. hide and watch. hopefully, lizbeth's room will only take a week. i don't know how often i'll be on here. *rushes off* i'm a dork. trivia: did you know dork can mean 'penis'? yeah, we actually looked it up over here just because angie called lizbeth a dork. but i don't mean i'm a dork in that sense. i'm just your regular dork that's smart, goofy, stupid and cool all at the same time. the goofiness is showing the most right about now. *really rushes off now* don't analyze. don't ask any questions. i might lie. *smile* ok, now i'm really *gone* 1 giggle| laugh with me

IRL [11 Jul 2004|02:29am] i try to get away. i try to enjoy my time. but soon enough i’ll hear something very familiar which leads me to thinking of you again. lost in the beats, lost in the words, staring off, listening to my thoughts, picturing you.... then i’ll be shot back to present by a voice close by and I look over looking for you, seeing her eyes staring blankly at me waiting for me to answer. reality slaps me awake. quick, change the song, put on something to make me move, to make me smile, others smile, singing out of tune and then another song comes on… “and I miss you and the things you do, the time we had, the good and bad, the day we met that I can't forget...” and it’s back to you once again. 7 giggles| laugh with me

[11 Jul 2004|12:16am] my god, i wanted to kiss this girl today.. and not one of those sweet kisses.. more like one of those "i want you" kisses. 2 giggles| laugh with me

[09 Jul 2004|01:45pm] i saw this posted in one of the gmail communities: I saw this posted on a message board on July 1: "Google has told its employees that there are enough beta testers now and that they will not give anymore invites past today. there is a 1/3 odds of getting an invite." i started up my account on the 25th and never received an invite code. that sucks. guess that'll show me to open my mouth before i receive any goods. but looks like some of you already received an invite anyway. i honestly haven't been too impressed with gmail yet, even though they're in the beta stage. i don't like how everything's grouped together, that's for sure. i dreamed of my dad -- again! fart knocker. i was trying to get away from his evil and judgemental ass. he was picking on me, wanting answers.. but he didn't get that i was trying to "succeed" by building a community from scratch. a community.. like a suburb.. or a town.. that's weird. i had a 'team of people' who were super suportive of me, but it was all up to me to bring things through. and because i was trying to talk to him and appease his ass, i was running around late and entered 'the testing room' late and i didn't have much time to take it. it was a timed test. i wasn't confident with the answers.. like i knew the answer, "it was on the tip of my tongue", but i couldn't think of it actually. i was wanting more time.. then i find out that the people giving the test were actually associated with him... like he turned out to be the administrator of giving out communities or something. that's pretty easy to interpret. softball starts this coming tuesday. i have no idea what position i'll be playing. i just know i have a jersey with the number 31. i asked for 13, but 31 will do. i don't think donald will be playing. i wish he was. but some buddies of his are, i think. so maybe he'll be there "rooting for the team" .. maybe. angie had lunch with him yesterday... him and two other guys. she was uncomfortable around him. she doesn't really like him and has no real reason why. he doesn't like her either. so, they're polite to each other. the only reason why she doesn't like him is because he and i used to be such good buddies. and the reason why he doesn't like her is because of how she used to be towards us. so, yeah... she's a skank and he's a ho. i hope i get to see him. so, maybe tonight i'll go to the batting cages. don't know for sure though.. might have company. i'd rather go to the batting cages. i'm an ass. 2 giggles| laugh with me

[07 Jul 2004|08:17pm] ( stupid shit running through my head ) fuck, i'm sick. since starting the lamictal, i haven't thought this way. i haven't even felt "down".. and i'm not so sure that i feel down right now. i just feel blah. just "there", but nowhere at all. it's been two months. and since then, i haven't started my period. i've gained some weight. i've broken out a bit. and i can't sleep through the night. and as far as sex goes, i'm not interested.. at all. i get bored quickly. that's not me. but, i haven't had periods of depression or crying spells. i haven't had fits of rage or intense feelings on the inside. and for the most part, i've been 'doing' more than 'thinking about doing'.. which is good because i'm so unmotivated. motivation. i hate that word. that's a dad word. there's more words that i assoicate with him.. like success, accomplishment, pride, lists, perfection.. there's more, but i'm blank right now. maybe i'll make a list of words that most would see as postive words, but for me, they're very negative. he's such a fart knocker. but back to my med. it's been ok so far. i've definitely had worse. just something about today.. it's really bugging me. i'm thinking i'll just go to bed.. dope up on some sleeping meds and waste away the rest of the night. god, i'm bored of myself. 3 giggles| laugh with me

[07 Jul 2004|03:49pm] i feel useless. wonder if i'm in some kind of denial stage. stage? maybe i've been in denial for quite some time. denial of... i cut my finger last night while making dinner. it was bloody. it reopened today. blood. i've been trying to accomplish some things, take care of some personal issues.. but i keep hitting a wall and i don't know how to get by. and nobody has the answers. i feel stuck. i know it's momentarily, but these days are killing me. i want a life i can be proud of again.... because right now, my shit really stinks. fuck me. 12 giggles| laugh with me

[05 Jul 2004|11:03pm] it's been pretty busy over here. lots of faily stuff. heh. faily. i meant family. angie and i have been doing a lot together for once. shopping, taking trey to get his hair cut.. finally, his shag is gone. he looks so much cuter with his hair shorter - i think all boys do. butttt... he kept his sideburns. when he wears his hat, to me, he kinda looks like a Boy Toy. i haven't told him that he looks gay - and not meaning that in a derogatory sense.. just.. he looks really gay. yesterday, mom and mike came over. the purpose of them coming over was to replace the garbage disposal. trey helped mike do that since he's hurt his back again. then, steve, lizbeth's dad, dropped her off from "their weekend" and then the house was full of yesterday type of memories. it was fun.. lots of laughing. a mini reunion. my uncle is fine from heart surgery on friday. and my aunt cecilia from las cruces talked to my sis for a bit. i still haven't written about her from my trip. she's 65 and looks better than her 50 year old sister. she looks damn good. aunt cecilia was saying how thankful she was to me for talking to her son about drugs and mental illness. it's running in her family too. after everybody left, i took a nap cause i was damn sleepy. they went swimming. i hate swimming. public pools make me think about piss. then when they got home, trey and i cooked some din din. then it was off to see fireworks. i really don't like seeing them. never have. but this time, it was a little different. ang and lizbeth were in the truck watching. trey and i were outside with the dogs.. just shooting the bull. maybe that's why. i'm hanging onto these moments with him because soon, i won't have him anymore. i told him that i was not going to ruin his summer. and so far, i haven't. this med is working wonders. sometimes, i think to myself, better hurry and do everything that you love. who knows when this feeling is going to leave. who knows when you're going to start getting outrageously angry again.. or terribly depressed. live it up and enjoy. today, i asked ang if she wanted to go with me on my 2 mile walk.. and at first she said no, but then changed her mind. couldn't believe it. felt weird to be doing so much with her this weekend. we even went bowling. yeah.. bowling. we sucked. i think the highest score out of all of us was like 115. but we had fun. it's been a fun 4 days. i think she's been so involved with me recently because i told her how awful or guilty i've felt lately. i quit my job. 2 giggles| laugh with me

[03 Jul 2004|09:56pm] asleep in my bed i've done it again. so peacefully why can't i sleep like that around others? but i look over with regret more than with jealousy. why come over when i said not to? confused again with what i feel with what i'm doing to myself with what i might be doing to her with what might not be there tomorrow. don't tell her that you met somebody when you were out of town don't tell her how it felt when you said "hi" don't tell her how it felt when you touched her before "bye" don't tell her that you think of her more don't tell her that she's more beautiful don't tell her i guess i was smitten smitten by the curiousity smitten by the attention smitten by the flattery smitten by her physical looks just smitten i guess laugh with me

[02 Jul 2004|10:02pm] [ mood | proud ] when i woke up this morning, i woke up excited (not in that way, perverts) and "ready for the day".. i had a very active dream. it had to do with basketball, Indians, the American kind.. and my dad, too. again, i was trying to please or impress him.. trying to live out the dream he had for me. but it also was like a mystery dream. one that needed to be solved. lots of reds, oranges and browns throughout the dream.. and all of it took place at night. i know that i'm still trying to impress my dad even though i refuse to remain in contact with him. there's a need for this little girl to get his acceptance no matter what i do. i hate that. my asthma is kicking it up today. probably because i did some yardwork, but i think it's been building up ever since i went and got back from my trip. it's really dusty down there in southern new mexico. i had kidded my mom that if it was too hot to stay at grandma's that i was going to fake an asthma attack so that we could "room" somewhere else. i didn't have to fake anything. allergies and hacking came about pretty naturally. i always get so self-conscious around my aunts (and mom) when i start coughing. they have kids who have asthma too, and so right away, they start adjusting the air conditioner.. asking if i want water.. maybe some candy to suck on.. baby attention basically. it's something i love for anything else, but something i hate when it comes to my coughing. so anyway.. lots of wheezing and coughing today. i'm glad it didn't act up too much last night. shannon called and we talked for a good 2-3 hours. we haven't talked that long in a mighty long time and i had missed it. i remember when we used to do that all the time, right before bed time.. but things change and you get used to the changes. i think we both needed that chat. it felt good. it felt familiar. and finally, this time, i wasn't messed up in the head. not like i ever really way, like on drugs or alcohol.. but like, depressed or anxious or overwhelmed. this med change is incredible to me. i feel like i used to when i was younger. boy, how many times can i say that without making it sound so lame or old? i guess since it's such a relief to me, never. i got a new browser and i'm loving it. mozilla firefox. it has tabs like opera and the look of internet explorer. i got it because i was having so many problems seeing certain sites that i go to on a daily basis. once i started using mozilla - no longer any problems. download it people. use it. trey comes home tonight. i've missed him. so much. i've heard some author say something like every child craves a genuine and warm smile from the ones they love when they enter the room.. something like that. i can't find the quote or remember the name of the book it's from. anyway, i know i do that for him. i think i do it for lizbeth as well. mom does it for me every single time.. still. .... oh cool, he's here! ----- he really is awesome. 2 giggles| laugh with me

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