Faded Dream
Everything was Beautiful, And nothing hurt...


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Wednesday, April 4th, 2007
1:41 pm - A sun, a boy, a girl, a turtle, a cloud
Laying together silent in the grass.





-Naps-

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Sunday, April 1st, 2007
11:24 pm - We're beautiful.
Down the street
Where the others meet
You stood next to me
Fireworks
In the sky
Flying oh so high
In a poof they die
Blazing
And it all Seems funny now
I'm 29, I'm 35.
And it all Seems so distant now
I'm 62, Still alive.
Buzzing sounds
As I sit here now
Drinking in the dark
Quiet calm.
You use to laugh
Back when we were young
Now you're silent now, crazy.



I'm back. I'm back. I'm back.
Older
Bolder
Better
Stronger.

new and Improved.

I read my old postings and I read my recent ones on livejournal. Funny.


Here's to our passing days and how we always seem to intersect.

-Emmanuel

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Wednesday, May 12th, 2004
12:19 am - in my dream i see myself playing baseball besides a freeway, im tanned and im happy......
Like General Mac Arthur said in his farewell speech at West Point... "Roll on!"

either that or it was Winston Churchill... heh.



it's what is and what was and what will be.


In about two weeks we are going to go our seperate ways, all of us. Unless that way means us sticking together. Or in sticking together that means some of us falling apart. Or maybe a part of parts is what is needed to find how we would stick together?


of course.


I took the Chemical AP test today, I had zero fears and zero anxiety.

The day started with me waking up at 6 then falling asleep and waking up at 7, Nice I say. Nice. I get to school with really no regard for my attire and i just go in and take the test. I swear, i was the only guy there who finished 10 to 20 minutes before they called time, I also was the only guy not pulling out my hair for 3 hours, no sir, not I. I sat there twirling my hair and seeing which way was best for this test. hah.

Everyone was worried about the next portion during break, I was just worried about the cookies and how and when we would receive them.

Munch Munch...Munch Munch.


_______________________


It was raining today, how perfect, how perfectly perfect. It was beautiful.
Do you ever wonder why people seem to think that the rain is a terrible thing?
I wonder what is so bad about it, seriously.
The water feeds the plants, it gives the roses their color which give color to the cheeks of young lovers.
The rain are tears of joy....or pain, whichever, *smirk* it's not so bad.


It was raining as I walked to barnes and nobles to meet shawna up to pick up my record. I get there early and walk around and Ive never been in there before, it is this new one they built. I live so close and I have never been, so today i explored it, and it was big and beautiful. I somehow made it to the Computer Section of the store called "SecuritY" and basically i swear it is a coverup on really how to hack and that is funny, because a book literally taught me how to sniff out an IP through Wi Fi and then to spoof it.




Well I finally saw Shawna and she was meeting up with Claire, we ended up not really studying and just talking..that was cool.


It rained as i got home.
It rained.

Rain rain rain.......stay some more. Stay some more.





















let's count down the days to our destruction.

current mood: i'm like a cut daisy

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Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
10:39 pm - HOW THE FUCK YOU SPELLING FARE? It's ghetto slang fooooo
(CAPO 2ND FRET)

A (x02220)
Asus4 (x02230)
E (022100)
Esus4 (022200)
D (xx0232)
Dsus2 (xx0230)
F#m (244222)
Em (022000)

INTRO:

A___ A Asus4 E Esus4 D Dsus2 A Asus4



VERSE 1:

A E
look at the stars, look how they shine for you
Dsus2
and everything you do, yeah they were all yellow
A E
i came along, i wrote a song for you
Dsus2
and all the things you do and it was called yellow
A E Dsus2
and so i took my turn, oh what a thing to have done
A Asus4 A
and it was all yellow



CHORUS 1:

D F#m E D
and your ski-in, oh yeah your skin and bo-ones
F#m E D
turn i-into something beautifu-ul
F#m E D
and you kno-ow you know i love you so-o
Dsus2 (A)
you know i love you so-o


(A) Asus4 E Esus4 D Dsus2 A Asus4



VERSE 2:

A E
i swam across, i jumped across for you
Dsus2
oh what a thing to do, cos you were all yellow
A E
i drew a line, i drew a line for you
Dsus2
oh what a thing to do
A Asus4 A
and it was all yellow



CHORUS 2:

D F#m E D
and your ski-in, oh yeah your skin and bo-ones
F#m E D
turn i-into something beautifu-ul
F#m E D
and you kno-ow for you i'd bleed myself dry
Dsus2 (A)
for you i'd bleed myself dry


(A) Asus4 E Esus4 D Dsus2 A Asus4



OUTRO:

A Asus4 E Esus4
it's true, look how they shine for you
D Dsus2
look how they shine for you
A Asus4
look how they shine for
E Esus4
look how they shine for you
D Dsus2
look how they shine for you

look how they shine
A Em
look at the stars, look how they shine for you
D
and all the things you do

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10:11 pm
why am i still here?

this online journal professing to the world my views and thoughts and secrets that aren't really so secret because they are put online. am i trying to keep a chronicle of my life so no one will forget me? or am i trying to keep a journal of my thoughts in hopes that someone will notice me?



I don't know.....


4 years there...4 years.

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Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
9:17 pm - I'm not sure anymore what this is even for...if there is anyone in the sun can you help me to understand?
I don't know where to start, I mean I do know where to start, but I don't know what to say. How much to say, how little to say..how much I want to write so I can remember this later, but then again I'll never forget right? Right?


I guess we could start with a monday...or skip the monday and goto tuesday...or just skip it all together and just leave it at that?

I'm still deciding...think mind...think think think...what do you think?..hmm.

Monday-

After the happenings of saturday, I figured I needed to speak the words that were in my head. So I waited out in the parking lot for her.

the sun was shining
the breeze was up
the construction workers at work to construct
but here i was feeling like i was going to deconstruct


It felt like forever, I sat on my bumper just waiting, head down, keys twirling, waiting.
Head up, Sunshine, keys on the cement.
Palms upward (need that tan), head down.
Just waiting....

She eventually came to her car, and we talked.
Talking...arguing? But when you speak your mind and raise your voice, isn't that still talking? Letting go the gates that hold back words restrained, and letting it all just flow, yes, that is talking....

We talked...and talked...and eventually we stopped.

The sun shone
I squinted because the sun shone
My skin was on fire; sun exposure does that
the wind blew and the sun hid behind a few clouds


Then I looked at her, looked her right in the eyes, I always thought they were blue, for some reason I always thought they were blue. blue... But they weren't, they were a shade of brown, not dark, not too light, but brown, a shade of it, and I stared at her right in the eyes, and for awhile, I didn't say anything. What is there to say? What is there to say when you stare at someone's eyes? I forgot everything, everything that i thought mattered, well it didn't....i just stared. I didn't know what to say anymore. I didn't want to say anything anymore. I just wanted to be. This was good, this moment of peace was good. *sigh* Oh god... but it was just a calm before the storm, it was the breath that is taken before you dive right back in.....

....we mixed words again, She asked me to tell her what is in my head...I tried to, i tried to spill it out, like some marble stuck in my throat, i tried to let it all out. I did. I put it all in front of her, to see...to show her everything that I had. I didn't have much, but i showed what i had. Like show-and-tell (I never had show and tell before...). *Sigh*

It was Calm again...the wind blew past my ears...you know the kind, the kind where you can't hear anymore, just a howl really fast, like distortion or something?,,and I stared at her again...I remember her telling me that I couldn't look her in the eyes. *smirk* That wasn't true, I just had to look down, to think about it all, because staring at her made me forget. And eventually it all died down inside of me, all this anxiety, this whatever-the-hel- we-would-call-it feeling, It all just disappeared.

I looked at her and said, "Tell your father I'm sorry....I'm sorry for calling late, I was writing my comencement speech and Just wanted your thoughts on things..."

She said, "Alright."

I asked," Did you already get the boutinere?"

She said," Yes it is on order..."

I looked away and nodded. My chin in my hands, I smiled staring at the intersection of Hudson Oaks and FM529. Why were we here like this? Why was it like this? Why did this have to be like this?

But even then, even then, I looked past it all, and remembered that time we went to rent my tux, and the times I would see her in the hallways and when I'd talk how I'd mumble because I'd forget what to say, and how I'd trip on my own shoes! I remembered it all...The soaking in the rain giving her an easter card...the struggle to find her house in the rain....the time I asked her to prom and remembered how it was raining and I was getting my oil checked.

The time later that day when i asked and I was in the kitchen, and I remember her leaving exactly 6 msgs, 6 ambiguous messages at exactly 10:31.....and how she said... "I'll talk to you tomorrow.." And How i Couldn't even think about anything else and How I had to call her at 10:50 to see what her answer was...


And how she drew it out.....made it seem like she was saying no, keeping me on my toes and almost making me fall over. How i laughed so hard because I didn't know what to say, because someone actually said yes to me for prom.

i'm crying i'm going to stop really quick...

And I remember how i drove with my knees and it scared her, but she tried to play it off as her wanting to drive, and she actually drove for me while i controlled the gas, and how I gave her the trust of our security in the car going 60 miles an hour...*smirk* trust.

And then my thoughts wandered back to the present, standing there with her looking at me, wind blowing her hair to her left, to my right, and how she never looked away, and how she kept rubbing her nose with her keys..and i wondered how we got to here. And why was I so sad, when I had such good memories....

___

I didn't mean to seem like i was trying so hard, to make it seem like i was going out on a limb. It's just what i naturally do, regardless of feelings, I'd stand in the rain, bake a cake, make a cheesy valentines with crayons, make a mixtape of all my favorite songs from the radio, write silly songs. I didn't do it just to try harder, i just did it because I wouldn't have done it any other way.....
___


...but I guess she didn't know that that was me, and not some guy trying so hard for something. I just did it naturally...but she didn't know. misunderstandings



She asked how I could just change manner so easily, how i could tell her to apologize to her father for me, how i could just smile and enjoy the moment..how i could just do that. How I could have such control over myself. Well, I just know myself...i know what i feel...

*sigh*


It was over. We decided that we would try to look past the fact and enjoy the moments...we would look past it all and just try, honestly try. I felt calm, and with a handshake and hug it was over and we left....at exactly 4:03 (i asked her for the time because i had practice at 5:30, ironically who would know that would be a marker?)

I drove home, windows down, switchfoot track 11 "24" on repeat.

I sat down at the kitchen table, let out a sigh, turned on the tv and ate my dinner at exactly 4:45 i was done, and I looked at my cell and realized She had left me a voice message. And So i listened...



......5 minutes seemed like forever and my heart beats seemed like drums and a smile crept on my face, a tragic smile....She was being real, she was real, she was being real....she was real. And i put down the cell and just stared at the kitchen wall. She really felt like she couldn't go with me. She couldn't go with me. She just couldn't. I thought nothing, nothing except she was being real, and that this was happening now...now at this moment.

I left for orchestra practice with a smile on my face, I was at peace.

___________



Things happened how they happened and I regret nothing of it. I do not regret anything except that maybe i should have waited in the air conditioning of my car.



I found another date that day too. After orchestra Practice I drove to Natalie's house and asked her to prom. She Said yes *Smirk* and then her father pulled up into the driveway and asked me to move my car because it was in his spot, and that secretly scared me silly and so i sort of drove away in fear that he didn't want me to be there. Heh...and that was that...that was that.




I know we will have a good time at prom. I'm excited.
(IN A WEIRD CHAIN OF EVENTS.....it turns out a friend i made like 2 or 3 years ago in summerschool is Natalie's older sister...talk about six degrees of seperation eh?)


Tuesday-School. sleep. sleep. sleep.


I have UIL tomorrow for orchestra, time to go lead the troops into battle and earn all 1's. Sweepstakes is ours, we will crush all.

luck...luck...i need luck.

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Thursday, April 8th, 2004
1:19 am - I would walk with you...then slowly slide my hand towards yours and hold it. Utterly perfect, love...
in the last three days I can safely say I've gotten about 6 hours of sleep. I am a xerox of a xerox of a xerox, and it is all bland.

I seem to be seeing in shades of tired and my hopelessness isn't easily ended.

I am a shell of a walking shell husked corn....no I am not on the cob.

...and i wrote that last night.

___________


Well I skipped school today, probably one of the first times since Kindergarten when I hid in my closet and pretended to have gotten on the bus and when my parents were eating breakfast i leaped out and said "Wee!".

But yes, I hadn't gotten sleep for the past three days almost and so this morning at exactly 1 am I rested my tired head and went and dozed. I woke up at 3 and seeing as it was three i thought to myself..."i could rush up and finish all the things before 7 and goto school a zombie yet again...or i could just close my eyes and sleep it all away..."

I decided to sleep it all away, nothing major is due and it is the end of the 5th six weeks anyways almost. So i closed my eyes and drifted.

My mom came home around 8 and called out in the house if i was home. I said in a muffled pillow-in-my-mouth-eyes-closed voice, "Yesss...."
She then went to my doorway and asked why i was still home. I told her that It was the end of the 5th six weeks, I didnt have anything major, and I was really tired and i needed to do alot of things and had too much work to do.

She left it at that and said alrighty. She understood, and I love her for it.
So i slept till 11, ate some ramen and then went to the library.


I then went to school and worked on WAS eco litterature.
Then i went home.

It was an emotionally filled day and somewhere inbetween i just cracked and opened up the floodgate of emotions I've kept inside of me for the past month or so.

I hate showing my fraility, i always thought i was strong.
tears fall and you feel free

______________

There is still hope of me pulling off cum laude.

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Monday, April 5th, 2004
4:29 am - someone like you could set things right between us....
I heard about your regrets
I heard that you were feeling sorry




I dont know what im feeling in my heart. It's a flurry of mixed emotions

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Monday, March 29th, 2004
4:28 pm
my day really was pretty shitty.


Aside from the stupid kids in the hallway running into me....

Aside from the racist driver on the way home yelling obscenities at me....

Aside from the fact that the money order I mailed off to the seller on ebay has the wrong Pay to the Order of....


My mother goes and washes my clothes, moves all my things around, and loses things that i have In my pocket...and thinks she is helping me.

It makes me upset and angry at the same time. Upset that I am mad at my mom trying to help me and screwing up...and angry that she didn't help at all, but went and did this without asking.

I didnt need any help.

I planned on cleaning my room today, but no, she wants to go in there and clean it, and I know she isn't just cleaning it...she is snooping.

so excuse my un poetic entry oh journal....

because sometimes poets stop writing and just think the world is a fucking worthless place.

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Sunday, March 21st, 2004
4:15 pm - i realize that if we're all speculating, then I guess no one can really be right.
you forget that the youngsters will only get older and we will only grow older.
and soon enough, we're the has beens, calling the shots of how things use to be
whereas the youth will inherit the earth.


_________________



I went to church and went through service.
They mentioned Stefano's name during our prayers.
"He was Catholic" I thought to myself.

And so another face leaves our common routine, and he is somehwere away from here.

After having a long talk with my father on the ride home from Austin, I realize that my connection to people really isn't so bad.

I realize that people can be real immature and still go on breathing through their mouths as if they haven't the faintest clue.

So I saw Sarah from Cali has a Livejournal now. Funny how she is way back there with things that happened so long ago. When i look back at how things were, i realize i opened my heart, my wound, and let her inside. She didn't realize I suppose how other people hurt, only what is in front of her. What is necessary to her. She hurt me real bad, real bad, and I don't think she realized that. Thinking I am some mellodramatic post teenage angst filled teenager, she didn't get it.

I somtimes wonder if I should blame her, blame her for thinking she couldn't hurt anyone, or thinking I wasn't as hurt as she thought I was.

Cuts, like the ones on trees, well they heal over time, though they have a rough dark spot where the wound use to be.

Seeing her post on Lora's Livejournal...well it just made me feel everything that was put away.

She was a nice girl upto a point, then rationality and logic and emotions get swirled, and I couldn't tell anymore what was anything.

reflecting back once again (like I do from time to time to time) I am happy she walked into my life and out of it, she taught me that attachment shouldn't run too deep, because most often than not, people are ignorant of their emotions and their capabilites of hurt

I'll find that person who realizes worth, and I'll share my world.

scars heal
but are there
to remind us
who gave them to us
and how to avoid them




_________________







As I sit and watch the snow
Fallin' down
I don't miss you at all
I hear children playin' laughin' so loud
I don't think of your smile

So if you never come to me
You'll stay a distant memory
Out my window I see lights going dark
Your dark eyes don't haunt me

And then I wonder who I am
Without the warm touch of your hand

And then I wonder who I am
Without the warm touch of your hand
As i sit and watch the snow
Fallin' down


I don't miss you at all

current music: Norah Jones

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