shattered mirror images aka ice blue's Blurty

I'll be damned. You ARE bisexual AFTER all!

You sees "31 Flavors" as the ideal place to work.

You can get unequivocally turned on by eating Cheese 'n Crackers -

taking the little sticks from the wrapper and sliding them into the cheese.

You are definitely a sexual glutton, taking as much as you can ;)

Are *You* Bisexual? Click Here to Find Out!

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	2004.05.28 22.30 beginnings of a dream from May 4rth... This is one of many entries that I hope to keep a documentation of. Day after my birthday I had a dream; of watching 'Finding Nemo' with someone very special. We began by just talking of the movie, and as they began to fall asleep, I reached over to cover them with a blanket. As my hand moved to pull the blanket over their chest, my hand was taken hold of, as a smile passed over their face. We held hands as the movie continued; every so often my laughter waking them. Towards the end, as I am such a sentimental fool, tears begin to well in my eyes, and I feel my hand squeezed tighter. I glance over, a bit embarrassed to be all teary; and a smile passes over their face. As we sit and watch the rest of the movie; sometimes chatting about a particular scene, sometimes in silence; I realize we are still holding hands. I smile secretly to myself at what a wonderful feeling this simple gesture brings, how warm my face feels, and that my palms are sweating a bit. After the movie, I go to turn it off; thinking that the gesture surely must have merely been out of affection; of friendship. As I return to sit, it seems they have fallen asleep again, so I again go to pull the blanket up - and not only is my hand grabbed again, but my face is inches within their lips. I gaze at beautiful eyes, unsure of what to do other than smile; and I am pulled into a very timid yet sensual kiss. We become so caught up in the kiss, it loses itself to passion. On May 5th, though we both are very shy; and I believe both of us were concerned of what the other thought - I finally spoke up and claimed that I did not regret the kiss. A look of relief passed over their face; also admitting that the kiss was not regretted either. We held hands again, glancing shyly at one another - until finally we broke the tension with another kiss. This lead to a very passionate make out session that ended with us making love. Ever since this dream, I have felt more a woman than I have in such a long time. I wake up smiling - my mind filled with the possibilities that one day this dream will be a reality. Mood: beautiful Music: Evanescence - My Immortal



	2004.05.28 17.07 More worries about my mom... I know I would regret if I did not attempt to even try to help my mother - that is why I am going through with making all the arrangements - including a slightly more expensive camper/trailer that will have two bedrooms (I say slightly, yet it will be much more than I originally had planned - a mimimum of $1,000 down and up to $100.oo more a month - the payments could last up to 15 years instead of 5-6 to pay it off) I cannot expect any help from her for the cost, nor for the property I would have to rent to put it on (thank goodness the property rent includes water and electricity) - in spite of all ths I worry more about her deteriorating health, my inability to drive (or even own a car for that matter) and her degrading mental state. She is prone to psychotic fuge states, wherein she can become very violent, verbally vicious - lasting anywhere from a few hours to a few days - and she has little to no memory afterwards. During her last one at her aunt's house, she took off in the middle of the night after going into a rage with her aunt, cursing(very unlike my mother) & paid for a cab to her home and took an overdose. Her symptoms are close to 'dementia'. I have been the victim of these attacks before; and although I know conciously she is not herself - it can be very draining; not to mention very painful to see someone you love turn into a complete stranger - but the things she says to hurt are usually very personal and push buttons on many levels. Her last visit down here a few years ago, I had to go to a friend's home for the day (she had accussed me of stealing her money & medication, that I was nothing but a theiving whore that seduced my own father who deserved to die, ect.) - upon my return she was thankfully asleep. The next morning she was herself again, knew exactly where her money & meds were; and had no recollection of the awful things she had said the day before. It was very trying for me to just let it go and move on as it never happened - her telling me I had seduced my father when he had molested, beaten & raped me from the age of 2 on through 10 when I was taken away haunted me - left me wondering if she truly felt that way deep down; as after I was taken away my father left her. The most recent one was just last March when my mother called me and told me I should become a 'professional call girl' while I still had decent looks - that way I could be independent - besides after so many years of 'practice' from a young age (with my father) I should be very good at pleasing men. That or I should just marry some old rich fart for the money as there is no such thing as love. She sounded almost like herself; and at first I just tried to expalin it was something I did not wish to do - she lost intrest in my explanation and hung up. A couple days later, after I had called one of our mutual friends (her neighbor); she called saying she had said no such thing, and if she hinted at anything about my decent looks - it was probably meant as a compliment. I know what to be expecting when she comes - when she is herself, she is a joy to have around (regardless of the constant pain she is in); she has a wonderful sense of humour and seems very proud of me to have not only survived all I have but to be the person I am now. Yet I fear that alter ego; so full of pessimism & hate, depressed by all & determined to have everyone else feel as miserable as she does. I worry that she will take an overdose if I leave her once she gets that way because I refuse to fight with her - it is useless after all to defend yourself, waste your energy on such an emotional conflict just to know that when it is over she will have no memory of the incident - and upon my return she will have hurt herself in some way having no-one else to inflict her wrath upon. I guess all I can do is be myself, think optimistically and look forward to the time I do get to enjoy with my mom. Possibly being with me may help in some way; I will have a garden & the climate here is much more condusive to her health - both physical & mental. Although this poem is a repeat from my last journal, I shall post it again - as it was my first thought when I came out of my coma last year: 'Becoming' Such a pleasure, burden to none Back to square one, no harm done Just a new decision, a subtle change On this or that, a futures arranged Swimming through the sultry breeze Lifting salty smells throughout me I leave myself open to all senses Consumed by pools of dew immense Limbs laced in silver golden glow Long feathery plumes where little nubs show My gaze drips over you - can you hear Enchantment of drums draws me near Hollow pound into pound never cease to attract I close slitted eyes - absorbed in fires of black I am reborn © October 24, 2003 Mood: contemplative Music: thoughts rushing through my mind...



	2004.05.27 03.26 just an update... may everyone I've added to my friends list either remembers me or at least takes the chance to get to know me about before dismissing me... I went to Shana’s graduation – she was soooo proud! I gave her 18 roses – one for each year – although I had to help the poor girl at the counter arrange them… She had absolutely no idea what to do as far as arrangements went. She told me so; so I asked if I could help. I ended up behind the counter arranging the bouquet; in a vase no less. I was hoping for something wrapped in paper, yet we were short of time so I took what I could get. It was only as I left the store I realized she had broken one of the rose stems almost to nothing; but Shana was so happy to have them – once she got them she wished for all her friends to see them. That really made my night. I am sure from my last postings you remember Paul; the one whom had the affair with Jewel, and who’s ‘fuck – buddy’ asked about a foursome – well it seems he has had a crush on me for 4 years – since Jewel & Dale’s wedding. That is obviously what had Nancy – Jewel’s Maid of Honor - so jealous of me; although I had no idea of his thoughts. I was more intent on taking the photos of Jewel’s wedding. Well, since Jewel & I went to see him on the 13th ; he has been asking Jewel to have me go out on a date with me… I finally agreed as long as he understood I was not into any kissing, touching of any kind – that it was a “friend date” only. We could see a movie (I am willing to pay my own way), go to dinner (again ‘dutch’) or even go to The Bourbon Blues Club for dancing; but I am adamant about NO CASUAL SEX! I have been a woman that believes in the beauty of lovemaking, not a cheap thrill. It takes me so long to get comfortable to be able to actually get off with another – I am so into pleasing my partner I forget my own pleasure… After having a 7 year monogamous relationship – I can not think of just giving into my hormones – which trust me are raging about now! It has been so long since; I almost believe I will forget what to do with another person – as I have been pleasing myself for so long. Although I know this not to be true; I guess it’s as they say ‘like riding a bike’; I have just been my only comfort for so long I have no idea how to let a partner know how to please me. Ahhhh, I better get off this subject – I’m sure all get the idea…. My greatest fear lately is now that I am looking independence by buying my own camper/trailer; I have my mother coming down to move in by the end of the summer. I dread that this will cause extreme friction; as we are great when we are visiting for limited amounts of time – yet she and I are so set in our ways I worry we shall butt heads. I know if I do not even attempt to try to help her, I shall regret it – I could not live with myself (even though she gave me up for state custody at age 13) – I feel an obligation simply because of the person I am. I just have this sense of impending doom – every time I here from her she is depressed; she cannot do anything for herself, she cannot enjoy life – I worry my ‘new lease on life’ will be like living as a child and a caretaker. Is this wrong of me to think?!? I know she is very sick, yet she seems to have nothing but resentment for her condition & all that can do that she cannot. I shall send off with one of my poems, I hope it is well accepted: The World Within You Sitting here beside you for what seems the millionth time, gazing into your eyes. I see behind your shield and lose myself in your mysterious soul. Confusion runs rampant and colours swirl endlessly as if a silent whirlpool resides here. I feel the painful dampness of so many uncried tears, and the chill of your insecurities. Rejection hides away there along with bright flashes of agony that blur my vision. The suffering that pierces your heart and lives within makes itself known here, hanging in the air like heavy fog. Yes I do feel the pain of your yesterdays. Yet further, beyond this, lies a fiery spirit full of pride. I wrap myself in its warmth, gathering strength from the safety here. Oh how I wish you could see all the mystical beauty that reigns within you! Touching the very essence of you in such ways is magical; in ways I've never known. Even the music inside you radiates... I see sides of you unborn, so delicate and innocent to the world around. You often lower your eyes from mine, possibly from shame or fear. You don't have to cover your world within, I sense your vulnerability. But if you close your eyes to hide from me you'll only open them to me awaiting patiently for you. Siri~Lynn © November 17, 1988 Singing off for now; ice blue Mood: thoughtful Music: Ani Di Franco - Not a pretty girl



	2004.05.19 02.22 merely an update I called my neurologist for my appt., got June 1st which is a Tuesday – I certainly hope Jewel goes into work that day. I know it’s Dale’s day off, so I am hoping against hope that she wont take the day off as well. I could not decide on a screen saver, so I just made a slide show of not only my pictures (friends included); but of all the artwork I’ve found online & strangely enough all the icons got included as well. It makes for a very cool montage/collage that is personal to me… I need to call the bank about a loan – I hope that I am able to get one – I need it for my trailer/camper I plan to purchase. Mildred claims I should ask for 10,000; but I doubt with my income, no matter how ‘good’ my credit is, I still have slow credit – so I am expecting much less; if anything at all. I still have yet to call S.S.I. about my change of address into a new state – I know this may cause problems with my seeing my doctors in New Orleans… I finally have a couple of doctors I truly trust; they actually listen to me – talk with me instead of at me while walking away as many doctors who know they are good in their field do. This has me worried – should I call and tell them I am in another state; or do I attempt to find someone whom I could use the address of until I get settled into my own place…? I trimmed my plants today, as their leaves were still a bit wind burnt from the cold weather lasting so long. It was almost a useless effort, as when I awoke the next morning – the puppies had eaten them. That is now 4 plants of mine thus far. They are about 2 months old, and I understand teething – yet I made them teething toys (I took a bunch of mix-matched socks and braided & knotted them, works like a charm!) yet unfortunately the owner of the mother dog only feed them every so often, and when they get hungry – my plants are available. Since I have taken to feeding them – they sleep right by the front door or under my window as they can hear me at night when I leave it open. I am sorely tempted to keep one of them; she is sooo much like Tasia – yet I am concerned that Tasia may get jealous & uncomfortable with a puppy around – especially that she is turning 14 this Memorial Day. Not to mention, one of the things holding me back from having any kind of freedom in my social life is worrying about her – I have to get home to walk her; and ever since my coma she has severe separation anxiety. I have had offers to stay out with friends all night, or to go away for the weekend; and have had to refuse because I cannot just up & leave her. So as much as I am attached to this beautiful puppy, I believe I shall have to refuse (the hardest part is that I helped with her birth, and I was the first face she saw when her eyes opened. I know she would be a loyal, wonderful companion; yet if I am to have any type of social single life – I need it without strings attached. (heavy sigh) The puppies are so beautiful though, and getting sooo big!! Jennifer’s cat had kittens on April 25th, and it seems one may have some atrophy in her back legs. I am hoping she gets better as she gets older. The swallows babies have hatched, I saw a couple heads poking out to be fed just the other morning when I could not sleep. I was up until about 8 am, saw another gorgeous sunrise – and saw the girls off to school. Shana is going to graduate on the 21st , I am so happy for her. Her and Penny plan to go into the service together so they can do the buddy program (hopefully this will help them both get through) I wish them the best of luck, I have a feeling that Shana shall need it. I so miss my friends, Kelda & Jackie – they were my voice of reason, a link to my inner self I so desperately needed. I rarely get to talk to Kelda anymore; and Jackie I cannot even get a hold of as the last time I heard she was homeless. She was living with her sister; but her sister got arrested and Jackie was left to take care of her 3 children. Kelda, I miss your company, the things that could be made so simple by laughing about them. Jackie I miss your encouragement to find my voice, my heart; that I have long suppressed. I feel lost at times – I can find so many answers to others problems; yet none to my own. I find peace in my music, and the nature that surrounds me. I’ve been downloading songs; it takes so long because I am on dial up – so much different than my cable connection. I need to write more; re-new my short story, or even just poetry to get all of what I’m feeling out. Maybe I should look up others with similar interests, just to have others to talk with; I do so miss social contact. I am a city mouse out in bum fucked Egypt. I shall concentrate on this another day, I am too overwhelmed right now. All I can hope for now is that Steve (Dale & Jewel’s friend) does not come back; I swear if he tries to touch me again, I will not allow myself to be responsible for what I will do. Always and in all ways, Ice blue Mood: melancholy Music: Gitane Demone - Gloomy Sunday



	2004.05.13 23.40 Just a few thoughts... This past Wednesday I made one of my specialties – thick pork chops with brown sugar smothered in apple sauce – it almost has the flavor of Christmas ham and keeps the pork tender & juicy. Well, what to say - I am extremely drunk after abstaining for weeks now to get in this condition... The last time I was like this was when this certain friend of Jewel & Dale’s kept accosting me all night – worse than usual – he even walked in on me in the bathroom & tried to corner me. It got so bad I went outside to play with the puppies (Jennifer joined me) and he kept coming up behind me trying to grab my tits. The first couple of times I just slapped him to get him away from me – but the third time I punched him. Guess what his reaction was? “Ooooh, wanna wrestle, wild woman?” I was so flustered, poor Jennifer even tried to tell him he was being sick & rude (she is 14), I just felt frustrated that nothing I said or did seemed to affect how he was treating me. I am so glad he chose not to come by this week. That night after he left (pissed off because I ‘did not want to play’) was when I got so drunk I had a hangover that lasted all day. As far as the simple pleasures, I see many before me. I got to see Van Helsing this past Sunday - pretty decent movie if you can get over the improbability that a team of Transylvanian horses can jump a entire defunct bridge - yet I liked it all the same. Last night I had so much on my mind I did not get to sleep until after 4 am; I got to witness a beautimous sunrise. Today I went downtown for my annual check up with my OBGYN; and requested an entire follow up as my immunity seems to be waning - sores and bruises taking much longer to heal. I went to the lab where they drew four vials of blood (I wish to make sure my immunity is holding up under such stress.) The stress also seems to be affecting my sleeping – going 2-3 days w/o sleep; just to get 3-5 hours when I do. While I was downtown, I met up with many friends I'd not seen in a while - it felt good to socialize... I also helped an older tourist & his wife as he had a seizure that caused him to hit face first on the steps near Jackson Square... Many of the bystanders wished to give up - that is not in my vocabulary...the paramedics arrived 25 minutes later - not one cop showed although 5 people called 911. I felt for the tourists; they were visiting from Pennsylvania. I doubt they shall return here. Afterwards, a bit shaken from the stress of having a 54 year old man suffering with his wife near hysterics – yet I got them both into an ambulance headed for Tulane, allowing the woman to cry as I held her, convincing her that she was strong & she did the right thing. It had me missing my volunteering days…. I walked the shakes off that I allowed myself only after the ambulance left; met up with Jewel and went to dinner at the Alpine. It would have been nicer had I not been aware of the mule’s sore under her right shoulder & Jewel running off to make out with the owner of the restaurant As we left she insisted on kissing some other guy from the restaurant. Finally after exclaiming she really should get back to work, I was dropped off again at Jackson Square. Then I met an interesting young gentleman and got stoned on spoken word - until Jewel told me she was going back to the stables. Unfortunately that did not happen. She had planned to steal the carriage; especially when we met a couple of friends of hers. We ended up at O’Flahrty’s after many wrong turns (she was already drunk) and I had a coke while she drank a couple more; toasting to the ghost of Angelique in the courtyard. Then we proceeded to give Jenny & Paul a lift back to the Garden District. During the entire trip Cadillac (the mule) kept getting slower and slower – obviously in pain. I had to grab the reins several times so she did not run off the road; as Jewel was talking to the couple in the back – I was actually accused of being a terrible side seat driver! All Jewel said to my protests about the mule’s condition was that she was being stubborn and continued to whip her with the reins to have her go faster. It was unbearable, yet I felt completely helpless. Once we dropped them off and headed for the stables; it became even obvious to Jewel that the mule was suffering – she believed Cadillac would go faster once she was headed home to the stables. Once we get to the stables she saw the state of the wound – and put it off as she wasn’t working the next couple of days so she had time to heal, she got a message from Jenny who had forgotten her bag of new clothes in the carriage, and asked Jewel to drop them off on the way home. It was now mid-night – yet she was my ride back; therefore I could not refuse nor could I reason with her in her drunken state. I was hoping we were just going to drop them off but she wished to visit just a bit. We were there for over 2 hours. It took Jenny to say she was hoping for some sex if we ever were to leave. So Jewel, being true to her form, asked Jenny if she could kiss Paul before we left. Jenny then suggested a 4-some – I was not in the least interested and said in a couple hours I will have been up for 24 hours. At speeds over 80 – 90 miles an hour we sped home, me holding the bar above my seat feet braced on the floorboard. Once home I heated up some food for Jewel & myself and spent the next few hours in quiet, anxious reflection. I shall end here, before I write a novel. Always and in all ways, ice blue Mood: contemplative Music: Evanescence - Breathe No More



	2004.05.06 00.30 Just a few words... I had almost forgotten I had a blurty journal... as I have my live journal now (tatianalynn) until a friend wished me a Happy Birthday. I had another journal at LJ, yet it was discontinued - b/c of something I said about my ex. Unfortunately it was too true - and I believe it to be in line with child molestation (having been molested..) yet it was punishable by having my journal withdrawn. It esacpes me how someone can break the law so legally... yet the one whom shouts what's happenning takes the blame... Just for example, here is an exerpt from his sister... Date: 2004-04-06 00:20 Subject: What the fuck?! (pt. 2) Security: Public Mood: mind racing too fast! Music: norah jones, again. New album "Feels like home" Okay, so tonite, i caught a ride to wal-mart with my brother (whom i bribed with gas money) to get some last minute travel stuff. it took too long, as usual, but i actually got some cool dresses and shoes, and a crossword puzzle for the plane and stuff like that. (still freaked about that whole plane ride - plan b/get real drunk) We came home, and he dropped me off, and was going to pet my cat who lives outside, but it disturbed me that my kitten, who is usually quite scary around everyone else, let him come up and pet him without much fear. I encouraged my cat to be scared and run from my brother, without looking too obvious about it, and then thought to myself, "am i over-reacting?" NO!!!! I'm not!! And that's what's so scary! Now, if someone were known to molest children, i wouldn't let them around my kids. no way in hell! my brother is known to, um, molest animals in a sexual way. Fuck!! he's not getting anywhere around my animals!!! And boy, i knew all of this, and had heard about it before, but it hit me like a ton of bricks tonite. That i wasn't just being a worrywart, and overprotective, at all. even though it seems ridiculous to me, man, the guy's sick. i gotta watch the animals around him. Let this be known to all his future girlfriends, especially those who have pets, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!! okay, now, i got that out of my system a little. I'm in conflict with men. what's new? well, it's a little bit more hitting home this time. and of course, naturally, i never know what to do about it. so fuck it. don't do anything at all, right? i don't know. there are some fucked up people in the world, and i just don't understand them. unfortunately, i'm related to a few, and that embarasses me at times. but i feel obligated to do what i can to help and make up for their hatred/fucked up-ness. too bad. can't do more. my mind's racing, and i'm ending this here. till next time. monkie ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As I said, just a bit scary, yes? Until next time, ice blue



	2004.04.15 02.38 Sorry I've taken soo long to update... please forgive me for not keeping up with you my friends; things have been difficult here... I shall not get into details - only to say that they are finally smoothing out. I am am more than a bit tipsy this evening - I have been drinking White Zinnfendel - not to mention a few passes have been made upon me in this last week. I have no idea what to do about it. Part of me says that I am single - yet another part of me knows this could go no farther than physical contact. Part of me abhors that - yet my hormones raging tells me to just let go and take advantage of the situation. I am just so much into commitment, getting to know someone befor I let myself loose on them; and actually being able to enjoy their affections... I know I would get nothing out of it if I did not feel some kind of commitment in return. Not just adoration of my body, or my willing to please - this comes natural to me when involved with anyone physically... I am more worried that I will end up feeling either unsatisfied by fufilling what I know they want (simply because of my willingness to please) yet feel short handed myself as I would never be so bold to ask for what I want. I need to know a person is devoted to my needs as well... and because of my background that takes time for me. I know my hormones are wreaking havok with me, as it will soon be ten months since I have been with anyone... and to be perfectly honest - the last person I was with completely shunned me after I finished pleasing him. It hurt so badly, to have him rush into another room after we had been so intamite(sp?) together to put on his clothes and leave the room - just to get re-dressed in another room... my last encounter had me feel sluttish, unwanted and looked down upon. I no way attribute this to how I shall view another man in my life - but as I said - having been celibate for 10 months just has me anxious that my insecurities will not resurface - regardless of all the wonderful compliments and sweet things said... As of now I have 2 suitors that are interested; yet I have been warned by friends that I reveal too much about myself. Yet this is how I am! I wish to hide nothing - yet at the same time worry about the shame they may see - not the strength I've gained from my experiences! How can I relate this without scaring anyone? I am whom I am, I can be no-one else... Yet I still wish for a soulmate. Someone I can look forward to a life of sharing who we are, and bettering ourselves.. Again, maybe I wish for too much. I still believe there is someone out there who shall accept my past has made me the woman I am; and accept me for all I have to offer and give. Perhaps I am being childish, holding on to dreams past that shall never be fufilled - I may never know the answers to these questions until I finally confront the one I wish to pursue a commitment with. Yet I shall always be a woman of commitment - that is why I did not take up on Mildred's offer to set me up - he was married - a definate no-no in my book. I could never enter a relationship with anyone already commited to someone else - I found out through a previous (and wonderful 7 year partnership) that monogamy was for me - I am not a sharing woman now. I may have been when I was much younger and had no idea of what monogamy held - but since I have found comfort in having someone that knew me so well that I need not say a word... there is no describing the paradise I felt for those many years. Knowing he could tell what was going on with me before I even knew - and I for him. That we grew stronger in one another & eventually there was hardly a need for words - a simple touch, just being there for one another - knowing when to draw close & when to let one another have space without a word spoken was ecstacy in many ways. Not to mention our love life - knowing when one another needed to be held, loved, carressed... without more that a glance between us - that was worth the wait endured. It was what I'd been craving my entire life - and wish for again... I could be shallow and have affairs - as I am single it poses no problem - yet I wish for more than just a hormonal fling - I wish for something lasting, something I can work with my signifigant other to help me build with them.. Again possibly I am asking to much - but as a Taurus I am terribly patient... So if it takes more than I hope for to have something I believe in happen - I believe I am willing to wait for it. Please, my friends, let me know if you believe I am putting too much thought in this - I really need to know. Yet for the first time in a long time I am being true to myself, my desires and my own needs. Always and in all ways, ice blue



	2003.11.11 00.30 Just a poem Mourning of a lunar eclipse Just stood 'neath a sky of cerrilan blue with stretched cotton clouds across the sky caught the moon bow in various hue as it passed the full moon by cool breeze to push them on their way blows my hair and caresses bare face inhale deeply the scent of stormy day that the morning dawns awaits to embrace the sound is still yet the air electric just the rustling of a thousand leaves the feel on my skin makes my heart quick amplified by the touch of sensuous breeze lunar light show with shapes above my head forjust right now I feel calm and clear the terror forgets for a moment instead there is nothing else but here pungent perfume of sweet olive and current hearing the song of trees and tempest the vision before me heaven sent to dream upon when I go to rest sad_sativa © 4:30 am November 9, 2003



	2003.10.09 04.02 Just another quiz... But a pretty accurate one! You Are An Navel Piercing Cute, trendy, and in kick ass shape. You're usually the first one to offer up body shots. Everyone fantasizes about where your other piercings might be. You are a total tease and proud of your killer abs. *What Piercing Are You?* More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva Mood: sore Music: should I stay or should I go?



	2003.09.26 05.22 Help I need advice! (may be x-posted in other journals) Current mood: curious Current music: the way Help! I need advice! I have looked the same for almost 19 years of my life. I spiral permed my hair once in 97-98, and 1 1/2 ago I dyed my hair (it was supposed to be light gold, but because of my dark red highlights; it turned more of an orange/red It has finally grown out some, yet I notice when I go out; I envy the diversity of others & their individual look. I rarely ever wear make up, barely pluck my eyebrows (I feel like a freak as everyone I know has these thin eyebrows, almost a pencil line and I have 'wild, bushy thick ones), have had one manicure (2 years ago) and the only thing I've ever had close to a makeover was when I tried to peroxide my hair and had to get an a-symetrical bob; shaved in back, long in front. That was about 18-19 years ago. I have looked pretty much the same since. When I go out I see all these fashions I wish I were bold enough to try, like if I could just do it for like a trial week or so (maybe somewhere no-one would know me - or better yet, being able to be among those I know and not even have them recognize me! Yet I know if I cut my hair, its gone, and if I dye it, it will stay for at least 6 months (thats how long the last one took to resemble anything close to healing, I still get these strange dreadlocks and mats at the very base of scalp to the ends and unfortunately see the line from the dye job.) It also seems my hair lost all the colours it used to have; you can see it in earlier pictures - at least 3 different highlights and the shade changed with the season., just not the shape. Now, just one colour & dull. I am very open minded, I have just had the no-nonsense approach to self presentation for so long - I do not wish to make a fool of myself. Well, if you've read this far, here are the pics thus far; here are the pics please be honest - not rude, just real. I really appreciate any tips, ideas, or suggestions. Thanks, ice blue I am not sure if I should go dark, like a deep burgandy/black or go for something playful like ice pink with platinum streaks - not to mention I have been this way for so long parts of me are crying out for a small adventure. I have argued with myself over this,"It can & will grow out" "Until then, for at least 6 months or more I am stuck with whatever I've done" "Yet what if what I do I like even more than I imagined, and I plan on keeping it?" "But am I not being an individual by being the way I am?" "But what if being what I am is not something I wish to be anymore, how can we know until we try?" and so on, blah blah... I have pics you can look at and see what I'm talking about, these have been taken over the course of 8-9 years; just so you get the idea. here are my pics Mood: curious Music: is it the way



	2003.09.06 23.13 I am very confused All of a sudden, I have lost the ability to post in my communities... Is this a singular problem, or is this happening to anyone else? Anyway, to all interested, I have finally figured out how to post my pics from Yahoo publicly! Kudos for me! So, to all interested, please go to the following link, damn I miss my communities!



	2003.09.06 23.13 I am very confused All of a sudden, I have lost the ability to post in my communities... Is this a singular problem, or is this happening to anyone else? Anyway, to all interested, I have finally figured out how to post my pics from Yahoo publicly! Kudos for me! So, to all interested, please go to the following link, damn I miss my communities!



	2003.09.06 22.59 Okay people! I think I have this thingie licked (pardon the expression) I took the 'privacy thingie' off so hopefully, if you are interested, I have pictures to share now! (Aside from the blithering idiot who claimed I was fugly) Anyway, here goes: http://briefcase.yahoo.com/lazulus_eyes Tell me what you think (Please be kind!) Mood: anxious Music: Being Brave!



	2003.09.06 07.36 I uploaded some pics, more to come... http://briefcase.yahoo.com/lazulus_eyes Mood: sleepy Music: birds outside



	2003.09.24 20.27 an update Ok, I’ve been gone from my pc a while; so I’ll do my best to catch up. First of all, the biopsy was benign yet the healing process from this surgery is taking its time. The Wednesday before my appointment to remove the outer stitches there was an accident involving one of the neighbors vehicles and a very drugged out couple. The neighbors had parked on the street as there was no room in the driveway (BIG huge truck with trailer hitch) and I guess it was around 11:30 or so there was one huge crash, then another following seconds later. I got outside to see the other vehicle attempting to drive (his right front wheel had crashed sideways) showering sparks all down the road to a gravel driveway where he parked and ran off, abandoning his vehicle. It brought many of the neighbors out, many I am meeting for the first time, and we began talking waiting for police. After waiting a while, the next door neighbor’s son had followed the car and was there as the police searched the vehicle. The found at least a pound of pot, several tabs of acid, and a lot of heroin and a home made rig case, recently used. They found the girlfriend, hopelessly searching from car to car to get a ride away from the scene at the bar across the street. She had tracks all over her arms, and although she claimed she was 21 (she had no ID), she barely looked 17. I think the strangest feeling was happy to be getting to know my neighbors (although I apparently worked with one and she didn’t even recognize me, although she looked vaguely familiar to me) yet knowing that again it seems tragedy brings people together more than any good thing. This got me thinking. When you receive good news through the mail, phone, whatever – we seem content in the fact of whatever happiness there is and leave it alone, basically happy in our own world. Yet when tragedy strikes, we want to be there, included somehow. The term rubberneckers has been around so long its almost laughable, unless of course we get to see the body; then it is a mortifying feeling, and we personalize it. I have often wondered that people I know will send out 50 wedding invites, and 20 show for the wedding, with a few stragglers at the reception. Yet at times of strife, including funerals, it seems people come that were not even accounted for – just an up close and personal form of rubbernecking. What is it about human nature that seems to compel us to want to see the gore, that has us crowd around a fight that broke out in a bar or street; even when we know no-one involved? Reminds me of when I was in college, and a professor asked the same of a case involving a woman stabbed over 20-30 times right outside her apartment building as her neighbors looked on.. When asked later why not one of them had called 911; every one of them said they thought surely another neighbor must have, her screams were blood curdle ling. When asked why no-one stepped into help, to at least unlock the outside gate, the answer was the same. Of course, the woman died – and I wonder again what makes it so acceptable to do nothing, and foolish to get involved…? The next day I had one of the quickest doctor appointments ever; just removal of the outside stitches (I was warned that I had burst 2 of the inside stitches so I must take great care to be sedentary) and aside from that I’ve done my best, yet it seems now is when my ‘partner’ wishes to go out, meet friends, walk the quarter, go to places we cannot afford, ect. I will admit I was foolish enough to do a few things, like going out from 11:30- midnight until almost 5 am; going to eat out then sitting in an unairconditioned basement just hoping we could be having fun together. He says he needs to feel into things, be creative, to overload himself with obligations has him feel useful. We still sleep in separate rooms for the most part, he claims its my idea; yet it was to get his to just clean up a bit. I myself am looking at this more and more as a room mate situation, and finds it eases my mind. As long as my bills are paid, as long as I have food for Tasia (my puppy), myself, a roof and basic utilities – I’m cool – as long as there are no expectations of a relationship. I don’t know about most people; but to me it is the small things that make a relationship – and relationships would not be such a big deal (regardless of sex, creed, race, ect.) if there were no expectations. I know my problem in my own, is I have no idea what to expect nor can I expect anything. As my partner claims he is very new at healthy relationships (his own words – we’ve been together over a year, yet this is still new) – he has forgotten how to comfort, how to be observant, how to care for me when I need solace or even just to vent a particularly awful day. He claims he has no idea; when it was those very actions for over 8 months that had me fall for him. I could mention I had lost a favourite book; a few days later he had bought me a new copy. I claimed I loved Dr. Leo Buscaglia’s work; he went through all the libraries until he not only found them, but taped them for me as well – as many since Dr. Buscaglia’s death have either risen in price or are no longer available. Now I am lucky if he does notice I am unhappy, but instead of seeking out what it could be or just being there for me, he immediately gets defensive. I believe the best relationships are built upon the small things; a call to say I was thinking of you, a favourite book lost suddenly a gift of thoughtfulness, holding hands during times of bliss or stress, a sweet dreams kiss before bed, a connection that develops by not just finding out about yourself and your partner; but in watching each of you grow together as you experience all the things life has in store. This I have not felt for months; and for those whom have read previous posts I shall not bore you further. I just am beginning to wonder if there is others like myself; who have a good idea of who they are, wish to become and seem unsatisfied because what they were hoping for is slipping through their fingers. There is no relationship that withstand the loss of trust or confidence in it… scary thought. Well, I must go soak again, I feel like a mermaid! If anyone comes across this, I welcome any & all thoughts. I shall do my best to be openminded, as I am sure most of the ones whom have written me already are tired of my carrying on, lol. Until next time, ice blue Mood: melancholy Music: dust in the wind



	2003.09.14 02.12 I was just going to read a bit but after reading a few journal entries, and feeling lonely myself, I decided to get a buzz. Have no idea if good or bad right now, but fuck it. My friend Jewel is supposed to be over tomorrow, she said early. Karl is in his room fixing up his web page, and has another offer to do one (is it 'offer' when you get paid a deposit?) Anyway, my surgery went well as most people know - I was very much in pain Friday, as I had an appt. to see neurologist, he was pretty upset I did not call to rescedule, but my meds were really screwed up. I had one pharmacy telling me one thing, & him another, so he called from the office. I got to hear him argue on the phone which was kinda funny 'cause he is one of the sweetest guys, a real big teddy bear of a doctor and to hear him argue, I almost lost it when they went to put him on hold and he really got mad! He started talking about the valiency his patient is showing by showing up to his office 2 days after surgery to report problems with her meds, that he might have to drive me home himself; then he comes back in the room to tell me it isn't probably a good idea that I am laughing - doesn't that hurt, which had me laugh harder! Laughter is the best meds sometimes! Especially when the pain meds are shite!@ So, I am relearning an ol' found love for the loooong hot bubble bath. Oh!!! If I could only bring the keyboard in with me!! If I could write a poem, I swear the poem would be like a children's type sing along, soooo good! "Whose got the bubbles" kinda tune.... Speaking of which, does anyone have a good idea for bubble bath?!? Suave is the cheapest shite!!! Their shampoo lasts longer! I have been having fun as a mad scientist creating the ultimate in long lasting bubbles that smell good. This my mother claims goes back to my childhood... how can she remember every thing I EVER did as a kid, but cannot remember where her glasses are now?!? They are always on top her head, she never remembers that - but ask her childhood stories, she'll have you laughing on the floor; me shame faces is in the next room optimising what I can do to her now and still get away with.... Well, almost time for a bubble bath, my doctor requires two a day, and I save the last one for real late, as last night I almost fell asleep in the tub, if I didn't have the book I would have - I just kept worrying about the pages getting wet. The book is an anthology called 'Demon Sex'. Intriguing! I especially like one of the stories about Yao and Neko, best friends who wish to be lovers - it is called 'Hot Definition' (remembers now) The whols story is very hot indeed, than the ending... well you read it! Was bored and took a small quiz, no new info here! I'll be damned. You ARE bisexual AFTER all! You sees "31 Flavors" as the ideal place to work. You can get unequivocally turned on by eating Cheese 'n Crackers - taking the little sticks from the wrapper and sliding them into the cheese. You are definitely a sexual glutton, taking as much as you can ;) *Are You* Bisexual? Click Here to Find Out! More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva** Goodnight all, have a great morning! (Sundays were made for morning comics) Ice blue Mood: bouncy Music: running after Tasia my puppy! WHEEEEEE!



	2003.09.12 20.04 ARGH!!! tests this is so strange! I swear, if I had not read it from you, I'd have dismissed it as some drunk thing - but I am completely sober, have been for days now, and am still in a state of shock... You did say this last year you had tumours, one on your left ovary being baseball in size, and were stubborn about the pain as it built, yes?? When I was 27, they removed my left ovary for the same reason, I had been living with it approximately 8 months by the size, and they ripped the thing out of me, taking my ovary with it - claiming it was my fault having not seen a doctor. Hears the part where I wish I'd have known you then... This doctor, he not only blames me, but when my stitches burst, and I went back to him (2 days after my surgery) he tells my partner (in front of me, but not to me) to 'put a pad on it' and when we get home to 'give me some good sex, as that would keep me on my back for a while' No joke. I of course called to have him reported, and was told this was his 3rd report of abuse that she had heard of, and wished me to sign, as I did. I then find out NOTHING happened to this guy, as he accepts Medicare and works for small fees. I totally lost it, got a new doctor, and told the other to deliver my papers to said new doctor - which he still has refused, all these years later. I got so fed up I got a new female doctor, who is not only very cool, and excellent at her job; she is also the only doctor who is not in favour of a complete or partial hysterectomy because I have scarred tissue. Since I've been seeing her, she took me off all the birth control crap, as it was not only not necessary, it was damaging as it caused more frequent migraines. She is also pissed at the last doctor to have used surgery to hurt, as she puts it, because he refuses to send her no info on why the surgery was done, much less an answer as to why I'd need anything else removed. I found out I was being played in a 'medicare scam' that uses women as test subjects... let me explain. I am on Medicare & Medicaid because I am disabled. I did have a cyst on my left ovary, but the ovary could have been saved. Secondly, regardless of sex, no-one has any right to be treated with disdain and outright cruelty as this guy did. Thirdly, as I was on a state wide insurance that does not look closely at what care is being given to what clients; they overlooked any other possibility than what this doctor said as it was not questionable by other doctors. Now I am 32, short one ovary with this HUGE scar on my belly (looks like I had twins come through this hole, and not just an ovary) I am so glad to have found this great new doctor. I have heard nothing but praise about her, and I feel the same. I asked her why she took such a huge intrest in me; she tells me she had similar problems, but they ended up taking everything from her - they had given her a full scaled hysterectomy - for similar reasons. She was already in med school, so she just swiched intrests, and became an OBGYN instead of an orthopedic surgeon. Her nurse, that was so cool this last Wednesday, is from Canada; she says many nurses from her school came down here to practice, as Canada will not hire in-experienced nurses, but offer no ways of gaining said experience. I am soo glad things worked out for you as they did. Kudos that you have both and minimul scarring to boot. And and extra skol for you having all that you want working in your direction!!! I have a half brother and his wife, whom live in Denver, I've heard it is beautiful. He is a professor up there, but recently took time off to be with wife, as she is losing her fight with cancer. She is really cool as well, so I will genuinely will miss her & feel for Paul, my half brother. Your kitty sounds happy to have you, the ultimate in approval - cats can be so finiky! I better go soak some more as my pc is going on the blink again. I am just flabbergasted that you had so many similar things happen around the same age as I; I wonder if there is something in the water? snifs glass of water, shudders at thought I only raise this question, as my friend Jewel had the same (although she has three beautiful kids before they took everything) and my sister went through having one removed - told that cysts were her enemy as well. What is up with this cyst thing? maybe I am being a bit strange, it is just that so many women I know are having so much trouble, when I thought women were making so much progress in recent years health wise. Scary... Anyway, off to the boob tube for some needed vegging out. Oh, for a night with love movies and sappy prose & promise! 'What women want', with Mel Gibson sounds intriguing... ice blue Mood: bitchy Music: NO MUSIC< PC BAD!!!



	2003.09.10 02.49 this is a repost for all friends who have me on there list I am off to have surgery in about 5 hours. It's just a one day surgery - yet the last time I had a cyst removed, andything that could happen did. Yet still I am optimistc & great faith in my doctor. I better go get some sleep, I have to be there for 8 am (ugh!) Agin, please cross fingers, toes,hair, ect; and I'll ty to udate tomorrow; until then, ice blue Mood: anxious Music: Tasia snoring at my feet



	2003.09.03 16.55 Goodness! I've looked over my entries, and this has got to be one of the most depressive states I've ever been in!!! My usual outlook is optimistic, seeing the glass half full, enjoying the small things in life from playing in my garden, to music, to reading a good book or writing poetry. My friends have all been concerned as I have not been my usual 'breath of sunshine' they are accustomed to. I know much of this has to do with the rape that happened this last April, my very strong sex drive, and a partner that in his own state of depression or whatever can offer little to no support or comfort. It is such a strange feeling to be so driven for sex; I honestly derived no pleasure except in the knowledge I could please my partner until the last few recent years. This has my whole world topsy turvy; I am a monogamous partner, always have been (unless said partner wished to experiment w/ 3-ways or 4 somes - which never turn out well from my experience as far as relationships go) - but to have such a strong drive that just the feel of air across my skin, clothing rubbing certain areas of my skin, or sun on erogenous parts of my body are a turn on... I have fantasies of exhibitionism, of being swept off my feet with kisses covering my body, caught up in delicious rapture... I'm sure you get the idea. {blush!} This is not at all like I am used to being, I guess because of what happened when I was younger with my father; but I've always been in control of such emotions or urges. Now, especially that I have a partner that before was so very willing & open minded I felt blessed to have found him & get to know him. Now he confesses that possibly he 'moved in with me too soon', I guess I can believe that, as he has little to no experience living with others (especially a partner) and has stated that he will help find me a place to rent from one of his friends (?!?) I guess all I'm trying to say is I am usually very upbeat, down to earth, maternal yet understanding, basically happy person. I just happened to start this journal after a real bad blow. Things are never as bad as they seem, everything passes in the end so whatever is troubling me at this moment I know eventually I will get past. I guess it just seems to be harder on me at this point as all my family is in Norway, and I am usually the counselour of my friends; who seem uncomfortable attempting to counsel a person they have known to overcome any obstacle in my path with either patience or seeking peaceful solutions. Also as I've stated my partner also met me when I was strong and resilient, so I guess I was a kind of maternal figure that he could speak with that could if not sympathize at least empathize anything he told me - so when I kinda crumbled, especially during the move, it probably just has him in an awkward position to be the rock I so need right now. I am very aware that the only person that can help me is myself - I was just hoping he would be here for me as I was there for him all those months before my will wilted. I know this is temporary, I guess I was just being hopeful that somehow he and I would make it through all this turmoil together, closer; with a bettter understanding of one another. Like the old saying goes, what does not kill you shall make you stronger; yet there is another that moving in with someone can either make or break a relationship - it looks as though this move broke what seemed so promising before. Whew! Well, now that that is out of my system, I think I'll go sit in my garden and reflect a bit. Mood: thoughtful Music: something on WTUL



	2003.09.01 22.29 What is causing this? Sept. 30th an argument ensued as I would not pay his part of the bills. He ended up locking me out of the apartment with no way to get in, except the way I chose which was to bust doen the door. He then called the cops which were sympathetic to my situation that he could ever be since we have become room mates. It was like since his name was the 'main' leaseholder, I was entitled no rights. The cops set him straight on that - even commenting that even tipsy I was not only smart & understanding, that I was a good woman and he should be grateful. One even commented that I was at my sexual peak; which is a completely new state for me. I am used to pleasing my partner - yet the pleasure I derived was seeing the look upon their face as I helped them reach exstacy. I had no feeling sexually until I was in my very late 20's; and now at 32, I am feeling intense about sexual gratification, much to my dismay... His entire family thinks it is his addiction to valium that has him so apathetic, yet I knew he was taking these before when I first was enjoying him almost 3 times daily for 8 months... now I am lucky if I can get his co-operation in just helping me get off at all. Seems like weeks go by, and I am begging for it. Yes, Karl. the 'controvirt', the 'soulice' has no want nor need for any stimulation except for this pc, unless you include porn & TV. I am at my wits end, does anyone have any suggestions? Please, I am willing to hear any advice at all. ice blue Mood: indescribable



	2003.09.01 22.05 at loss for excuses I am beginning to wonder at the point of it all I exist, yet do not live. I have friends, yet seem to be more a counselour than ones I can depend on. In my life I have made it through worse that this simply by sheer determination - that I would not let 'whatever' beat me; now all I do is wish to sleep, forever if possible. I remember what it was like living on the streets, at least then, as I stated, I was fighting to survive - now I stand for nothing - take up space - pollute the air in which others may need. Maybe I'd be better as a donar of my organs, as I myself am just wasting away. I feel trapped; between what I want, and my want for another. - this makes no-one happy. August 30th I was locked outside my home in nothing more than a tee shirt and undies; then when I bust the door in to get back inside - he called the cops on me. I did nothing to harm him - he claims to love, yet all I feel is a sense of obligation as I help with the bills. His family is worried that he is pulling away from me, they for some reason thought I could save him from his self destuctive behaviour. Now all I wish to show him is the ultimate in self destruction, I am sure that would scare him from the path he wishes to take. I have no need to expalin any of this; yet I feel the need to reach out - to feel anything... I am lost in my own misery, and all I wish is that he find happiness, as I know I do not have him happy. He asked me today if we are just to be friends, room mates? He sounded so hopeful... Perhaps that is what he wants, as I am losing intrest in what this life has to offer. Walking the thin line, to me the grass is greener anywhere else but feeling inadequate to someone I care for so much. I know the streets, yet am too old to work them; I have offers of staying elsewhere, but what is the use? No-one could love me for whom I am - my mother told me she thinks my ex and I were soul mates - yet if that is the case it shall have to be in another life. I am so tired of feeling alone, of being the burden, of being someone's obligation. There is no breath left. Mood: listless



	2003.09.01 21.18 I am not her I can never be anyone but myself but now I wish I were, for when her looks into my eyes I see he longs for her; I could dye my hair, colour my eyes wear clothes befitting of now, yet in my heart I realize it would not be enough somehow; I am confused by his actions that before I knew so well, yet I must not be the one he thought by his distance I can tell; I feel so alone in my own mind looking for some answer, yet the truth is plain to see I simply am not her. © Sept. 1st, 2003 Mood: lonely Music: I stand alone



	2003.08.30 06.00 I am doped up om meds.... I was drugged raped by 'an friend/room mate' that worked for the police down here (who also used to work at the rape crisis center in Illinois). He had been acting really strange around x-mas; then in mid April he supposedly recived deployment papers as he was also in National Guard. As he was really being cligy, then hostile, then apologetic - I figured it was best to go to my friend Jackie. I had a beer and a half (I am such a lightweight, ;P.) but helped to settlle my nerves. Yet I had to walk my puppy dog, so I took my half beer home, left it on the table. After walking Tasia; I was very hot & thirsty, so I finished what was left of the beer. Not 10-15 minutes later I felt nauseus & light headed and thought,"Oh shit, here comes a migraine" So I attempted to take a bath/shower to help; most times it does, but all I felt was out of it - I could not even stand to dry off! So I put on my full length terry coth robe (granny style!) and went towatch 'Southpark' I never saw the ending. Once I woke to terrible pain in my stomach; and saw him holding my legs up & apart - yet the room began to swim as I passed back out. I woke in my bed nude with no robe & no idea how I got there, then slowly most of it cme back. I tried the cops "not one of OUR kind would do that" Not to mention, he is a defender of this United States. All this happened on April 16th. So not only was I looking for a roommate situation; I also began to realize regardless of finances - I can never be competely independent. It looks as though I've written a novella, sorry. My doctor is worried about me; so I am on all this medication to ease my thoughts as I can go days without sleeping. One week I slept a total of 3 maybe 4 hours total... So, now in addition to the 120 soma (350 mg's) & 30 phenergan (25 mg's) I get a month for my atypical cluster migraines, I also get 60 xantac (300 mg's) for my poor stomach on all this crap, 120 valium (5 mg's), a sleep drug called 30 seroquel (100 mg's) & last but not least, an antidepressent called remeron (30 @ 30 mg's) every month. I got the sleep meds & antidepressent on Tuesday when I told him that to get even a few hours sleep, I'd take about 20 soma & 6-9 valiums, not to mention phenergan, which is for nausea, but has a sleep aid as well. Even on all that I'd get 4 hours at most of sleep. I have watched the sun rise the day get warmer until unbearably hot, then watch the sunset for days at a time, yet still be mentally flying. If it is crossing your mind do I take speed of any sort, the answer is no. I smoke weed, and all the pills listed above are 'depressents'; so I should be zonked out. My body gets all sore and exhausted, yet my mind continues to race. I have tried 'sleepy time teas', warm milk with honey, soothing baths, everything I can think of. What I fail to figure out is that on 4 somas & 4 valium plus phenergan I should be dead to the world, yet even in the small fits of sleep I do get, I have these oh so vivid dreams - one time to wake and found a poem I'd written, but have no memory of writing it. The only proof I have is that it is in my handwriting on my nightstand. Anyway, such is my life right now, I am assuming my doctor is wishing to keep me as placeated as possible until he can figure out what the hell is happening. Oh, did I mention lack of appetite? I eat about once a day, as the smell of food makes me grimace with nausea. The sad part of this, is I LOVE to cook. So, my doctor noticed I keep losing weight when I go to see him, but this is not voluntary on my part. I wish I were able to just chow down; I miss cooking my favourite meals and savouring what a good job I'd done. Now the idea of food is, eh. I know I have to eat, so around midnight I force down soup or whatever, and attempt sleep. I keep managing to disappoint myself. When I'd smoke weed, it would help, but New Orleans is in a dry spell - many are being locked up or killed over it - I refuse to take that chance. Well, I'm gonna go have a cigarette, I don't smoke in my home, I'm trying to quit anyway. Was doing great until April 16th. On the bright side, I have become very creative in my lucid states! I'll write more later. Until then I am on my meds for atypical cluster migraines with auras, and have been from one med to another as I switched docrors. This doctor I trust, it took him seeing me for 6-7 yers for me to be able to. I had said I wished to go to outpatient @ 'River Oaks'; yet he aid,"You are usually full of life, bubly, like a clean breath of sunshine." So, he is trying some new meds to get me stable before I go. Hence, all the meds listed - my doctor happens to believe it is only the depression & insecurity. I'll get by with little help with my friends. I have taken 6 seroquels & four vailums on an empty stomach, yet here it is 6am.. I need to eat. Mood: morose Music: the silent screams that lurk behind my eyes



	2003.08.29 20.20 I am going to create a second journal... I got the idea from one of my friends on here, since you can only have 10 friends listed, and I would have to lose some in order to add others - I think I shall make a sad_sativa2 for my communities. Sounds like a plan to me. My doctor is worried about me; so I am on all this medication to ease my thoughts as I can go days without sleeping. One week I slept a total of 3 maybe 4 hours total... So, now in addition to the 120 soma (350 mg's) & 30 phenergan (25 mg's) I get a month for my atypical cluster migraines, I also get 60 xantac (300 mg's) for my poor stomach on all this crap, 120 valium (5 mg's), a sleep drug called 30 seroquel (100 mg's) & last but not least, an antidepressent called remeron (30 @ 30 mg's) every month. I got the sleep meds & antidepressent on Tuesday when I told him that to get even a few hours sleep, I'd take about 20 soma & 6-9 valiums, not to mention phenergan, which is for nausea, but has a sleep aid as well. Even on all that I'd get 4 hours at most of sleep. I have watched the sun rise the day get warmer until unbearably hot, then watch the sunset for days at a time, yet still be mentally flying. If it is crossing your mind do I take speed of any sort, the answer is no. I smoke weed, and all the pills listed above are 'depressents'; so I should be zonked out. My body gets all sore and exhausted, yet my mind continues to race. I have tried 'sleepy time teas', warm milk with honey, soothing baths, everything I can think of. What I fail to figure out is that on 4 somas & 4 valium plus phenergan I should be dead to the world, yet even in the small fits of sleep I do get, I have these oh so vivid dreams - one time to wake and found a poem I'd written, but have no memory of writing it. The only proof I have is that it is in my handwriting on my nightstand. Anyway, such is my life right now, I am assuming my doctor is wishing to keep me as placeated as possible until he can figure out what the hell is happening. Oh, did I mention lack of appetite? I eat about once a day, as the smell of food makes me grimace with nausea. The sad part of this, is I LOVE to cook. So, my doctor noticed I keep losing weight when I go to see him, but this is not voluntary on my part. I wish I were able to just chow down; I miss cooking my favourite meals and savouring what a good job I'd done. Now the idea of food is, eh. I know I have to eat, so around midnight I force down soup or whatever, and attempt sleep. I keep managing to disappoint myself. When I'd smoke weed, it would help, but New Orleans is in a dry spell - many are being locked up or killed over it - I refuse to take that chance. Well, I'm gonna go have a cigarette, I don't smoke in my home, I'm trying to quit anyway. Was doing great until April 16th. On the bright side, I have become very creative in my lucid states! I'll write more later, gett hat second journal set up and such. Until then, sad_sativa aka ice blue Mood: indescribable Music: Projekt Sampler - When you're evil

You Are An Navel Piercing

I'll be damned. You ARE bisexual AFTER all!