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mood |
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 depressed |
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My moods. Severus, not home yet. God love him, he apparates to and from Hogwarts to be Home on the weekends with me. The distance is easily covered during the week with silent communications, and owls, but having him here, sarcastic, loving, scolding and caressing is far better.
It's been three years for us now. Living like this, and still there is so much we don't know about each other. Oh, there is nothing really BAD going on with me anyway. Not this time. I would slit my throat before I betrayed him and broke his heart. I am quite sure I am the first he has fully given himself to, heart and soul, and I will die before I betray that trust. The only secrets I keep from him are the fact I have been seeing a therapist in London for about a yeara now, and the amount of wine I consume while he is away. I take care to not deplete the Snape Cellars too much, a bottle here and there, he expects that. The rest I buy during the week, consume and dispose of the evidence. I was always good at hiding my addictions. At Home. At School. Both times. Here. I know it doesn't help, my therapist confirms this, so why do I do it? It's a harmless secret that I can keep.
So if my "secrets" are not bothering me, what is? I don't know. I have everything, and so many times, I feel empty. Void. Cold and just shut off from humanity. I suppose that is because I am half human at best, and half beast. I walk in both worlds and belong in neither? I suppose Severus felt, and still feels the same way. We are Creations of bad choices and a toxic enviroment. It's no surprise we ended up together and shunning the Marry and Breed route. I know I make pure breeding stock. I can't even raise myself.
But, My Saviour in Black will be home soon, we will snark, embrace, feast on the meal I have prepared for him, and then fall into each others touches and make love far into the night. At least I hope that is how it goes. I don't think I could handle it if he came home, announced he had things to do that couldn't wait, and shut himself away in the library. I would not be barred from joining him in there, but I know how he is when he "Works" no distractions, no matter how much me adores them, are welcomed.
It's only happened like that twice before, and I hope it doesn't occur again tonight. I wouldn't be able to handle it with my usual Devil-May-Care attitude, and leave him to his work. I would be angry, hurt and destructive. As to what I would destroy to vent myself, I cannot say. Most likely a part of myself.
Time to cook, more later.
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contemplative
amused